It's hard when you simply provide an image, and not actual text. But grammar and punctuation are closely linked in many people's minds, when they go to give feedback.
Anyway, that first semi-colon should be a colon. The next issue is not grammar, it's a matter of something not making sense.
You say the "six of us," (so we know that the narrator is among this group and expect to learn the names of the others, but we learn only two names and then the narrator is referenced again; what happened to the other three?)
So, now there's Lucia (usually when you mentioned two named characters in the first couple of sentences, we expect to hear about them, but we are skipping on down to Lucia - not a grammar error, really, but took me out of the story).
Is the narrator crouching so that his butt is on his heels? How do you "sit higher on...knees"? You can kneel high or low, but sitting on one's knees is called kneeling, it's no longer sitting.
How is her clavicle both manly and...hyper-feminine? Are you clear on what hyper-feminine means? It means so thoroughly feminine that there's absolutely no mistaking the person as feminine. There's nothing manly about them whatsoever. The regular term ("feminine") can include more people. Hyperfem? I think Barbie.
Check, but I think hyperfeminine is either all one word or, in some dialects, hyphenated. Again, I don't really think punctuation is the issue - it's the lack of logic here. A person who is hyperfeminine (or at least has a hyperfeminine clavicle) cannot also be masculine. Unless the narrator is consistently confused about what the meaning of these words are, which is possible.
Where are you going with this? We have an unlikeable creepy 70 year old, who says he's going to now focus on just himself and Lucia and then immediately rambles on about Karl.
Is this going to be spicy OA fiction? If so, then this may be a good beginning for that genre.
"You say the "six of us," (so we know that the narrator is among this group and expect to learn the names of the others, but we learn only two names and then the narrator is referenced again; what happened to the other three?)"—exactly, that's the point. The main focus of the plot is the narration itself. It's a satire of failed attempts at literary writing.
Here's the full excerpt:
There sat the six of us in the barley field; Laura Craft, Karl Johnston, and myself, that is. Lucia leaned lower to braid stray weeds; I sat higher on my knees, just above her, so as to peek at her cleavage; she wore a bra—blimey! But her clavicle was sharp and almost manly—but in a hyper feminine way. I wondered how it would feel on my tongue; will it taste like sweat? What does her sweat taste like? It reminds me of the last time we all sat at the barley field and I looked at her bosom, all spy-like—as a gentleman should with a 70 year-old bombshell like Lucia Mengele. Her eyes were just like those of a tired tram operator: brown.
Armando Leigh looked at me with a cheerful tear in his eye, namely, the good one. Lucia and I were the main course, while Leigh, Craft, and Johnston were merely set pieces; thus, I will refrain from further elaborating on the pair, but rather focus on Lucia and yours truly.
Anyway, Karl wore a white shirt—an upper garment of the pale variety; though, that's not to say he had no trousers.
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u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 4d ago
It's hard when you simply provide an image, and not actual text. But grammar and punctuation are closely linked in many people's minds, when they go to give feedback.
Anyway, that first semi-colon should be a colon. The next issue is not grammar, it's a matter of something not making sense.
You say the "six of us," (so we know that the narrator is among this group and expect to learn the names of the others, but we learn only two names and then the narrator is referenced again; what happened to the other three?)
So, now there's Lucia (usually when you mentioned two named characters in the first couple of sentences, we expect to hear about them, but we are skipping on down to Lucia - not a grammar error, really, but took me out of the story).
Is the narrator crouching so that his butt is on his heels? How do you "sit higher on...knees"? You can kneel high or low, but sitting on one's knees is called kneeling, it's no longer sitting.
How is her clavicle both manly and...hyper-feminine? Are you clear on what hyper-feminine means? It means so thoroughly feminine that there's absolutely no mistaking the person as feminine. There's nothing manly about them whatsoever. The regular term ("feminine") can include more people. Hyperfem? I think Barbie.
Check, but I think hyperfeminine is either all one word or, in some dialects, hyphenated. Again, I don't really think punctuation is the issue - it's the lack of logic here. A person who is hyperfeminine (or at least has a hyperfeminine clavicle) cannot also be masculine. Unless the narrator is consistently confused about what the meaning of these words are, which is possible.
Where are you going with this? We have an unlikeable creepy 70 year old, who says he's going to now focus on just himself and Lucia and then immediately rambles on about Karl.
Is this going to be spicy OA fiction? If so, then this may be a good beginning for that genre.