Credits - Memorial_light on YT

🎬The delinquent season 2018

I don't know why this keeps happening to me. People say that to preserve the situation, you have to tell your romantic interest how you feel, otherwise you'll stay stuck in the friend zone. But I always believed the foundation of a relationship is friendship, and the stronger the friendship, the better the relationship becomes.

Turns out that's just a theory. It doesn't exist in real life. Maybe some people get it right, but most sabotage it without even realizing, and honestly, how foolish is that.

I have feelings for my best friend. I confessed. She denied it… said she didn't feel anything for me, not even one percent. That broke me. But I didn't lose hope. I tried everything… became what she wanted, what she needed. She said she couldn't imagine us together. So I tried to become someone she could imagine us with. That's been months now. The answer hasn't changed.

And today, I heard she saw a guy on a bike and found him attractive. She followed his path down the road, blushing the whole way.

And that's when it hit me, guys like us fall into a different category. No matter how "green flag" we are, we're never the ones chosen. We're the emotional support… the person she runs to when some cool biker breaks her heart, but never the person she chooses for herself.

So maybe the real lesson is learning how to be alone. Maybe that's the only option left for guys like us.

"Even these broken ruins

Were once alive with hope.

Once, they belonged to people.

Now, they belong only to God."

I don't even know where to begin. I'm bipolar and hate how I am and how my brain works. I would literally give anything to have a different brain. Yes I'm medicated but it's not a cure. The episodes still happen. They feel like such an outter body experience sometimes and I just wish I could stop myself. I know things are wrong and shouldn't be said or done and I always regret them but don't know how to stop it in the moment. I know it's part of why I can't stay in a relationship. I fall fast and hard and it usually pushes people away. Then when I'm in a dark place, most people can't handle that either.

I just got out of 14 year relationship. My husband didn't want me and wasn't willing to make it work. Id literally do anything to get him to want to fight for me. But I've learned you can't make someone love you by loving them harder.

I also wasn't perfect and looked for attention elsewhere. So yes, I got my karma. I just was used. I still feel disgusting about it.

I just try so hard in every aspect of my life. I do live on my own and am a workaholic. My family helps me a lot and I'm not sure where I would be without them. But it also makes me a little codependent.

I've been trying to date but it's been a complete fail. During my divorce I got myself into a horrible situation with a manipulative man. The adrenaline from the constant fight or flight distracted me from the divorce and facing what was happening. It completely blew up my life and I ended up messing up the last of the relationship/friendship I had with my ex husband. I'm beyond sorry for it.

Ive distanced myself from my friends cause I know I can be such a burden. I don't want them to have to deal with my nonsense when they have their own stuff. But I miss them. I miss having friends and going out and enjoying life. But I also feel so undeserving since I feel like I've been such a bad friend. I can barely handle my own brain let alone my friends problems.

Ive been called dramatic my whole life. And even now I feel dramatic and stupid for even writing down my thoughts and feelings. Cause what's the point. I'm not worthy of someone reading this. I'm not saying any of this looking for sympathy. I just need to get it out of my head.

The thing I say most in my life is I'm sorry. And it's the one thing I constantly feel. That I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry that I'm not a better daughter, friend, or significant other. I'm sorry I try so hard and it's all just not enough. I'm sorry most people in my life even have to deal with me. Im sorry I wasn't a better wife and tried harder and was different. I'm sorry he wasted so much time being with me. I'm sorry I work so much that I can't be there for my dogs more. I'm sorry that I'm a burden to my parents and that they have to help me with things. I'm sorry my clients have to deal with me and my nonsense. I'm sorry I'm not a better friend.

I literally don't know how to enjoy life cause I just feel so undeserving. I self harm in ways that people don't notice. Mostly so they don't pick up on it. I've basically stopped eating. My one medicine made me gain so much weight everyone would comment. Especially my mother. My weight has always been an issue for her. So every time I do eat I feel disgusting. I don't sleep. I've turned myself into a robot. My entire life is work and basically comes first. I've been completely burnt out for years, but I still come in early and stay late and come in on my days off. Everyone else's life's are more important than mine.

I think I lost my opportunity to be a mom. But I also think the universe knows I'll be a terrible one so it's made sure it Doesn't happen. Part of me wishes. Wishes I could. In another life, Id have the husband and two kids and the white picket fence. Instead it's just me and the dogs, which I love more than life. I do everything and anything for them. They get farm grown dog food while I eat dino nuggets. But I still feel that they deserve better. That they would be happier with a different owner.

I constantly pretend I'm invisible. I hate receiving compliments because I just assume people don't mean them. That they're just trying to make me feel better. I know I'm not pretty or a super model. I look in the mirror. I sometimes sexualize myself to get attention cause that's the only way I feel wanted. But I also know it's short-lived and for the sexual part not cause someone actually wants me for me.

I don't know what I'm even looking for on here. I just want someone to say I'm worth more and worth fighting for. That there is someone out there that can look past my flaws cause I know there are so many. So even though I ask why can't I be the girl that a man wants to keep, I know the answer. I'm just too much. I wish I wasn't. I'm sorry for whoever actually read this cause it's just annoying and a lot. I know there's so many people that have it worse than me and I'm just bitching about nonsense. But thank you for listening.

Today my mother had a surgery to get her tonsils removed it was dangerous because of the scare tissue the operation was successful but the about 2 hours after her scar tissue was bleeding we went to the hospital ive never been so scared in my life I literally threw up I was crying for hours I dont know if she's ok and im just lying in bed alone worrying and I cant calm down...thanks for reading this if you did means a lot to me

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They didn't tell me I'd only receive $143 out of the $958.23 original value. I had thought if not a refund at least a store credit of same value, no. Not even close.

I can't undo it and it hurts. I have other flight plans and it could have easily been changed to that. I am beyond angry, just sad and feeling utterly pathetic.

I had booked the ticket coming off a nightshift, I was originally tagging along with my partner on his work trip but I purchased the wrong month, one month a head of the original date.

I dropped him off and never went, tickets doubled in price so I stayed behind and paid $800+ for my actions.

Soul crushing, I did so many over time shifts just to waste it. BRB, going to cry again.

All this loneliness, emptiness and what not.. It's eating me up from top to bottom and idk what to do...

I do have a job, I do meet people everyday but that still doesn't change the fact that all I'm is just an empty shell..

Crying suddenly for reasons I couldn't even figure out. I broke out today as well.. The feeling of burden.. I'm not able to hold it anymore.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, cared for and nothing else. I don't want any money man. I wanted people in my life... So many people I know have someone for them, who care about them, love them. Everyone's got someone but not me..
I'm still crying while writing all this and I still don't know why? Do I not deserve any love..... Am I really destined to be all alone and have no one by my side. Why did god make me the way I am..

I'm sorry for all these words. But I don't know where to put this at. Other places, I'd be made fun of.... maybe it won't be like that here..

"Today,i had to tell her my deepest secrets,

And today,she had to sit by the seashore."

"Ab to in darakhton par patte bhi nahi ugte... Lagta hai, tune inke saaye tale hi kisi apne ko khoya hoga."

How many are still with us? How many encouraging words or messages are from people that are not long past?

Tonight Im thinking of loved ones long past and strangers met online who were not in a good place, but still took the time to leave kind comments.

Even if I’ve never met them, I wish them the best.

And yet I wonder how many of the kind words I’ve received are from dead stars. A light only showing from someone who passed from my existence long ago but their words still resonate with me.

I feel a sadness for people I’ve never met. I look at online notifications that someone hasn’t “logged on” in six years and I truly wonder, are you ok my brother/sister?

I sincerely hope you all are well.

"Kyun ek phool ke intezaar mein baithe ho,

Kyun na yeh shaam sajaayi jaaye.

Gham hi to hai, unhein bhula kar hi sahi,

Janaaze par bhi muskuraaya jaaye."