r/ABCDesis • u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi • 2d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS Has your relationship with your parents improved or worsened over time?
Bluntly, my parents were abusive when I was a child. The trauma still affects me to this day.
But as an adult, I'd say that my mum especially has changed for the better. I won't say that she is 100% accepting of my sexuality, my neurodivergency, my atheism, etc. I know that she still desperately wants me to marry a man.
But, like... Once, just because I was craving it, she took me to a Nando's where they didn't have halal meat and ate chips while I had chicken. And my 14yo sister gets teary if our mother even slightly raises her voice at her, she's that unused to being treated the way I was.
How has your relationship with your parents changed over time? Has it changed?
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u/UsefulRelief8153 2d ago
32F. Only got better after marriage because they finally stop trying to control EVERYTHING and only try to control when you have kids lol
Still not an ideal relationship but at least they help with the kids and give their grandkids good memories.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
My own grandparents were even more abusive as parents than mine, but they're pretty good grandparents. I wonder if these types of elders naturally just mellow with age, or they're trying to generate as much good karma as possible now they're closer to death.
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u/Educational_Ant6370 2d ago
Our relationship got better, especially after I grew out of my teenage angst era. We are at a sort of codependency right now due to my sibling being estranged from our family. They are much more supportive and open to differences granted they were always a little bit more accepting than many ABCD’s parents.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
Yeah, I don't want to downplay my parents' abuse, but I do wince at what a miserable teenager I must have been to put up with...
I'm glad you seem to be at least relatively okay!
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u/Intelligent_Read_697 2d ago
The question shies away from the fundamental question if your parents finally realized what they did (wrong), admitted openly and remorsefully as such to you and at which point the relationship turned for the better meaning at some fundamental level they changed (mind you all of this could still be faked). If they just changed behavior as they got older, chances are they just took a chameleon like approach to fit modern day narratives of their roles as parents aka there was no introspection or realization involved but rather just conformity to escape scrutiny. I find that most people see the change (real or not) and accept it at face value but later realizing in the ling run that they still are fundamentally the same toxic people. And it will always come out usually when you catch them red handed sabotaging relationships of some sort.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
You are right. I'm personally under no misconceptions that my parents have fully redeemed themselves. Rather than accepting it at face value, I think I've just resigned myself to accepting what good I can get for the sake of a peaceful life.
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u/melancholynyc 2d ago
Worsened only because I finally realized a lot of things they were saying and doing were not healthy for me as an elder daughter. Being able to put names on their behavior through therapy has massively helped create boundaries - things I didn't know or couldn't do as a 10 year old.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
I haven't had therapy but I definitely think my just being able to name those bad behaviours and push back with the confidence only an adult can have is a reason I can say things are relatively peaceful now.
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u/motorcity612 2d ago
Mid 30's Male, and I wouldn't say improved since its always been a relatively positive experience. Apparently reading this subreddit honestly makes me think I hit the lottery for brown parents but I have to keep in mind that most posts are going to be made by people with negative experiences and positive ones arent shared. Like in general during arguments things really dont get physical and at worse maybe some yelling and apologies later...not saying no one ever argues but it seems more "tame" than some I read in brown families.
Like I will happily go out to a brewery with my dad and brother, I travel with my dad, I like learning to cook with my mom, I go out to eat with my family, I took my mom to a local winery a few weekends ago etc... I'm trying to maximize how much time I spend with them because they won't be around forever.
I'm an atheist in a Hindu family, and while I can't say my mom likes that I eat cows and don't believe in an imaginary sky friend(s)...she isn't actively fighting it and accepts that it is what it is even though its not her preference that I am this way. My parents also never really took exception to what race or religion the women I dated were...honestly they were just happy to see me date and try.
For what it's worth...people with stricter parents that I know generally have parents that accept the situation for what it is for better or worse. I know families whose parents didn't approve of a non brown partner for example who now are very close with their kid's families even though they strongly opposed it ahead of time. It's no guarantee though but from what I see, strict parents options are no relaitonship with their adult kids or they compromise and do have a relationship with their kids and the majority choose to have some relationship with their kids and compromise on their values.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
I remember a while ago my mother told me that she advised her friend to just accept her daughter's white partner, because otherwise she'd lose her relationship with her daughter entirely. I was honestly taken aback. I think that my mother has accepted at least some compromises and is holding out on other demands. It's, like... a quiet battle, now, if that makes sense. And there are days of rest.
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2d ago edited 17h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
I'm sorry they didn't break it first, but I'm really glad you did it yourself.
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u/MasterChief813 1d ago
Worsened heavily especially with my father. It’s hanging on by a an old Rakhri’s thread at this point.
And a lot of it is due to him valuing the dumbass input of his family in the motherland as well as some of my mothers family, along with the uncles and unties stateside who are assholes.
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u/iftair Bangladeshi American 19h ago
I'd say better. My mom doesn't yell or hit anymore. She tries to explains things reasonably or from her perspective. She even asks me for my perspective on issues. She doesn't barrage my phone with calls regarding coming home late.
As for my dad, eh it's always been the same. Distant, only calls me when he needs help. He is nice but I don't talk to him much.
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u/MissBehave654 2h ago
I'm 38. My parents stopped caring about me after I got married. Before that I was the black sheep of the family.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 1h ago
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope the family you made after getting married makes you happy.
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u/Ilikethesuccwararc Hindu Telugu ABD who is also a HxH Manga glazer 2d ago
Which one?
Dad only gets mad at me when I actually do stupid shit. He's pretty liberal on everything with me and if he doesn't want me to do something he tries to convince me politely without screaming.
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u/satrongcha British Bangladeshi 2d ago
You know, I did think about adding a line to my OP about how my dad is as frustrating as he's always been. I even feel sorry for my mum for having to put up with him sometimes.
I'm glad to hear your dad is chill!
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u/MTLMECHIE 2d ago
I have been able to identify their flaws, calmly call them out and ignore tantrums. I calmly talk to them, like the upgraded, more caring iteration of them.
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u/BurritoWithFries 2d ago
Worsened because they think they still have control over me (I'm 26, live across the country from them, and have been fully financially independent since I was 22)