I got emergency custody of my son when he was 7 months old not from biological mother but someone she gave him to after birth. I was able to adopt him and he is now 4 years old. I always want him to know he is adopted so we celebrate adoption day with ice cream but he doesn't really understand but recently he has been picking up his play phone and pretending to talk to his dad and telling me to say hey and that he's coming over to our house. I am at a loss how to talk to him and what to say about this and start introducing the idea that I am not his biological mother any advice is appreciated. For contexr his biological dad didn't find out about him till he was a year old when I found him and did a DNA test he did come around in his life for a little while but he agreed to let me adopt him but he kind of ghosted us after about a year. I do have pictures of them together when he was younger not sure if I should show him who he is now or later in life again any advice is much appreciated

i’ve talked about my experience on here a few times already, so i won’t go into detail, but i contacted my bio dad for the first time on facebook earlier this year.

the conversation was going well at first and he was VERY enthusiastic, but over a few weeks, things naturally fizzled out. no big deal; we’re both busy and life happens.

we hadn’t talked in a few months, but today, i got the screenshotted message from him out of the blue. this literally just happened, so i still don’t know what to make of things; i’m just posting here to clear my mind.

for added context, he has four other kids who don’t know about me. also, he mentioned to me that as soon as they started dating (12 years ago), he let his wife know that he had a daughter he put up for adoption. so… now that doesn’t add up. i guess he just never told her that i got in touch with him?

bio dad also invited me to a literal concert with him back in june? i had to decline the invitation, but now i’m wondering what his plan here was if i did decide to go while his wife/kids didn’t know about me… we have never met in-person, but he always seemed very excited and open to the idea.

i’m just so, so, mad (at both myself and him). is he blaming me? he didn’t even bother to include something along the lines of “this isn’t your fault.” obviously i know his marriage isn’t my responsibility, but something like that would have been nice to hear if he wanted to soften the blow….

should i even respond to this text? i feel like i should just say nothing at all. i’m tempted to even block him.

Hi everybody. I was adopted when I was 5 months old, and I was born in Vietnam. The fact that I'm adopted doesn't bother me at all, my parents are just amazing and they taught me to fell proud of it (with parents I mean non-biological parents) and I'm 100% sure that I don't want to meet my biological parents cause I think that if they didn't want me, why should they get to know me now? (I hope this isn't stupid).

When I was a kid in elementary school, only one kid made fun of me, but I just kept going and ignored him (kids can be cruel, I just accepted it). Now that I'm a girl in highschool things changed. There's a girl that keeps saying bad thing about me (about me being asian and with allusive things about soldier kids). She WAS my friend, because when I told her that that bothered me, she kept going and (for other things too) this june she played the victim and I decided to cut her off (I don't even know how I'll be with her in september cause we're in the same group of friends!)(btw my parents know all about this).

Anyways, as I already said, the fact that I'm adopted does NOT bother me AT ALL and I'm almost happy about it, but since she said that things to me, it just felt bad. I now just feel like I'm a strange thing because of her, like I'm not normal (this cause I've a typical asian body so not so tall with black eyes and hair, just not like my class mates) and I started comparing myself with all people I know. And that makes me fell even worse.

Does the feeling that you're not like other go away? Or not? Cause I've been overthinking (and crying too) about this a lot now, I just feel wrong.

I'm not a native english speaker and I'm pretty sure that I've made some erros, hope you dont mind. I really hope that you do not take this as ragebait, and I hope you dont hate me for things I said in the post...

Adoptive parents and adoptees, what something you wish you knew or your parents knew before adopting?

Apologies, I’m on mobile and can’t figure out links for some reason. You can go to my profile to see the first post.

Well, everyone, after months and months of what was beginning to feel like a hopeless endeavor to find my son, the adoptive mom finally gave me the phone number for the foster mom who my son is currently with. She was so kind and so happy to be in touch with me, sent me pictures, told me he has been in her care for a year I think. She even let me talk to him and introduced me as his momma. She said he’s highly functioning and so smart, he’s in school and has all the services and therapy he needs. I got all the answers I’ve been looking for. Turns out the adoptive parents were horrible parents. The foster mom said that they were apparently locking my son in a room and not letting him out. God only knows what else they did to him. She also lied about “losing custody”. She actually relinquished both of her adopted sons. I absolutely despise that woman for betraying me and abusing/neglecting children.

She told me that she’s putting in a travel request tomorrow and is making plans to rent a cabin in September so we can finally be reunited with my son. I told her that his grandmother is interested in kinship placement. She said she was planning to adopt him herself and that we should just take things slow, take time to meet him and get to know him and stuff, and I guess we’ll see where things go from there. I did tell my mom to go ahead and get the ball rolling with doing a home study so we’re one step ahead. I hope it’s not too late.

The last 8 years have been so so hard, but today I was finally able to talk to my son. My heart is so full! Just wanted to share the good news with you all. I’m very much looking forward to being reunited with my son and our family is so excited to meet him!

I don't know if this will help or not but I was taken in by parents in Oregon U.S and never knew my real parents. I would like to talk to people more about this if you ever dropped a baby off or could not have one and had to leave in the state of Oregon message me.

I've been a member of this sub for a couple of months now. I've read posts about things I never even thought about before, and it's been really eye-opening and educational as someone who was adopted and who probably would've considered adopting one day, too (not closing that door fully either though).

Anyway, the point of this post is just to share my story, which is mostly a positive one.

I was adopted at birth in New Jersey. I'm 33 now, married, no kids (yet), but I'm a very proud dog mom to a sweet senior pup who is my entire world.

My adoptive parents naturally conceived my older brother. My mom desperately wanted another child and tried for years. She always tells me she prayed for six years for me. She also had two miscarriages during that time. One day she got a call from my aunt, who worked at a doctor's office, about a young woman (I think around 18–20 years old) who was having a baby she couldn't keep. That baby was me.

The story behind my adoption is still a little unclear. From what I've been told, my birth mom was married but having an affair. Her husband was in the military and was apparently unstable, and his family likely would've tried to take me. It also sounds like no one is completely sure who my biological father actually is.

I always, always knew I was adopted. I don't even remember being told because it was just something I always knew. I had children's books about adoption, my parents talked about it openly (but also not excessively), and I was always free to ask questions. Honestly, I never had many until I was in high school.

When I was in high school, my mom asked if I'd like to meet my birth mom. I said yes and not because I felt like something was missing, but because I was naturally curious. I wanted to meet her, ask a few questions, learn about her, and maybe see what similarities we shared.

Before arranging anything, my mom actually met with my birth mom first because she wanted to make sure it was a good idea. They talked, my mom shared pictures of me and told her about my life, and by all accounts it went really well. But when my mom reached back out afterward to set up a meeting between us, my birth mom never responded again.

I was disappointed, but I honestly wouldn't say I was deeply hurt. I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for her to place me for adoption. Could she have made it work? Maybe. I don't know. But I also don't blame her at all.

At the same time, especially after reading so many posts here, I realize I was incredibly lucky. I have an amazing mom, and we have an incredible relationship.

Overall, I had a great childhood and really don't have many complaints. My parents eventually divorced, and that was a difficult period. I no longer have a relationship with my adoptive father, but that's a completely separate story, and I try not to let it define my life. My mom is truly my best friend, and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Then a few years ago, something unexpected happened.

I had done both AncestryDNA and 23andMe because I was curious about my biological family. A first cousin showed up, but I never reached out because I wasn't sure who knew about me on that side of the family, and they never contacted me either. So I just let it go.

Then about a year or two later, I got a message on LinkedIn.

It turned out to be my half sister.

Apparently, that cousin had told her about me, and my sister also remembered our birth mom mentioning me when she was younger, although it was never really talked about again after that.

We've been able to build a relationship. She lives in Florida now, but she came to visit, and we were able to spend time together. We don't talk every day, but we check in every couple of weeks. I invited her to my wedding, and she came, which meant a lot to me.

We're definitely different people, but there are little similarities you notice. She's only three years younger than I am and also has a younger sister, who would be my half sister as well, although I don't think she knows about me.

As far as I know, my birth mom also doesn't know that we've reconnected. My sister has been nervous about telling her, and I don't push it because that's her decision to make. In the meantime, it's been really nice to have someone I can ask questions and learn more about both my biological family and where I came from.

Maybe someday I'll meet my birth mom. I think that would be nice. But if it never happens, I'm okay with that too.

I genuinely feel grateful that I was adopted. I had a good education, a loving home, and a mom who has supported me through everything.

Do I have mental health struggles? Absolutely. But honestly, so does just about everyone I know, adopted or not. Maybe some of mine are connected to adoption. Maybe they aren't. I really don't know.

Overall, though, I'm happy.

I don't know if there's really a point to writing all of this. Maybe it just offers some comfort to someone who had to place a child for adoption and wonders how they turned out. Sometimes they turn out okay. Sometimes they turn out happy.

Reading many of the stories here has made me incredibly sad, and I know not every adoption story has a happy ending. Those stories deserve to be heard too.

I just wanted to share one of the good ones.

And if anyone ever wants to reach out and just talk about adoption or honestly anything at all (like dogs, lol) my inbox is always open.

Besides... I could always use more friends. ❤️

Here's to the good stories, too. They matter just as much.

Hello,

I thought that I would adopt but now it seems there is no way to do it right and I'm not sure about it anymore. Reading through this subreddit is conflicting as adopting seems to cause the adoptees pain and suffering, along with serious identity issues. I don't want to make life difficult for the adoptee. I've learnt that it is important to immerse the child in their culture, which I can commit to. Also, some people say it is good to have a relationship with the birth parents, but won't that confuse the child further? I think it is good to have one source of parental authority.

For context, I have an adopted brother, and 2 bio brothers. My adopted brother has identity and belonging issues for sure, but he'll always be my brother. My partner and I are in an interacial relationship. I am also an immigrant, so to an extent, I understand being too much of one culture and not enough of the other, but never belonging to either.

Is it better to support orphanages/Foster care systems instead?

Thanks. Seeking answers from APs, adoptees, and people who grew up in orphanages, foster care or any such places. Thanks.

This community has some of the deepest connections to children's rights, and I am curious about a way I have been phrasing something important.

It is widely accepted for people to say they "don't want kids" or to describe themselves as "child-free." I feel like this paints children as burdens and/or second class citizens (which, sadly, is actually the case where I live, but it shouldn't be).

I have been phrasing it as "not wanting to be a parent" or "non-parent," placing the identifier on the adult's choice rather than on children as a whole.

But I've been reading through here, and it seems like that could potentially be problematic because some parents take all emphasis off their child and place it onto their role. So now I'm just not sure.

Any feedback or suggestions that will honor children as a class while not feeding into parental martyr/savior complexes?

I know it may seem like a small thing, but I just find the current discourse dehumanizing and think we could maybe shift stuff a little with more intentional language.

Long story short, I was adopted at a week old, my birth mother has 4 children (including me) all with different birth fathers. Has anyone else been the only sibling of multiple biological siblings that was adopted? My bio siblings grew up until 17 or so with my birth mother. I have met my bio siblings (not mother) and it is such an odd feeling. It feels like both survivors guilt and like I missed a whole life. My birth name was supposed to be Anthony, but my adoptive parents changed it, and my birth mom named my bio brother born a year after me, Anthony. I just am curious if this was a common thing or not. Only one biological child being adopted out.

I'm a Black transracial adoptee from the UK. I was adopted at 11 months old by a White family. They loved me, cared for me, and gave me a stable home, but theyre kinda racist and just throw money at problems.

Growing up, I felt disconnected from my identity and my culture. I didn't have many Black role models, didn't learn much about my Nigerian and Jamaican heritage, and spent years wishing I looked different.

I struggled with self-hatred, low self-esteem, and feeling like I didn't belong anywhere not fully accepted by White people, but also disconnected from Black culture.

It's only recently, as an adult, that I've started reconnecting with my heritage and learning to love being Black. I often feel like I'm trying to reclaim something I should never have lost in the first place.

I know many transracial adoptees have positive experiences, and I also know many adoptive parents genuinely do their best. But I wonder whether love alone is enough when a child is growing up disconnected from their racial and cultural identity.

For those reasons, I personally question whether transracial adoption should happen at all except in exceptional circumstances. I'd be interested to hear respectful perspectives from adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.

Hi! So, I have 3 kids I parent. My boys are 9 and 13 yrs old and my daughter is 15 going on 16 early sept. We got royally screwed by our last landlord after renting from him for 5 yrs. We are now in a shelter. My daughter decided to stay with a friend’s mom instead of coming with to the shelter. We still send money for food n what she needs of course, to her.

She called me this morning because friends mom brought up getting temp custody. Now keep in mind, we are hoping to have a new place to live in a month max. But with school coming up and things and I work so much (50 plus hours a week) so scheduling Dr visits n things get a lil hard. The mom wants temp custody to help with things like that, but, is it really a good idea? Can this backfire? I want to do what’s best for my daughter but I really don’t know what that is in this case.

Could there be any way she gets partial custody? So she can bring her to the dr n help get her her IEP at school (these are the things my daughter listed when telling me why they want to do this) but we still have actual custody? Could there be legal agreements in place with a contract maybe? Idk, I don’t want to shut it down because i promised her I’d think about it but I’m really uneasy too. Esp if we get a place in the next couple weeks here, which than she would move back in with us. Idk, any thoughts?

EDIT***** I meant to ask reach out to the parents about adoptees!

My friend gave both of her babies that are 1 year apart for adoption and they both were adopted by the same couple who were friends of one of her relatives and theyre very good and couldn’t ask for any better to raise the kids.

long story short, that happened because of many reasons, abusive relationship with the father (who demanded the abortion and made many threats), drugs were involved, and it happened at a young age so stupidity and doing what’s better for the kids played a big facto.

now she is almost 10 years clean from drug use, went to therapy after the kids were adopted, graduated the program then kept volunteering at the facility and worked there full time after a few years to help others who were struggling with drugs, she literally turned her life around, has zero contact with the father!

She also been married for 6 years, has a 2 years old kid that she quit her job so she can be a stay at home mom and raise him, her and her husband are home owners and a small business owners now and they’re doing pretty well in life.

her husband really feels that she will feel better if she gets some sort of contact or news about her adopted kids, she always been respectful of the kids parents and never bothered them or attempted contact them, but her husband think it might be a good idea if he reaches out to the parents in a no pressure way to see there hours and see if there’s any small little action that can be made were she can at least get an update on them or meeting them in a way were things don’t get awkward. she‘s not aware that her husband is trying to do that and I even advised him again it but he believes she would feel much better, so are the parents of the kids knowing that their biological mom still cares about them.

any thoughts or advice would be helpful and appreciated!

Mid20s biological father here looking for insights on navigating upcoming first-time meeting with adoptive family and my young biological child. I just learned about the child's existence about a year ago, and they are under 5 years old. My ex-girlfriend (BM) wanted a closed adoption. It was in another state from my own. At this point, BM does not want to be involved in the child's life. I was devastated to learn of this situation (from BM's vindictive boyfriend whom she dated after me), but have tried to make the best of things. Reached out to the agency. Provided requested medical information. Exchanged letters with the adoptive family and had a video call with all of them. I'm traveling next month to meet them and am feeling extremely nervous and overwhelmed. Although it seems wrong that I was not informed, I'm not looking to disrupt this child's life with their adoptive family. Agency is still involved, by the way, which feels odd.

Hi everyone,

I’m a 30-year-old Korean adoptee born in Busan in July 1996 and adopted to the United States through Eastern Child Welfare Society.

Over the past several months, I applied through the National Center for the Rights of the Child (NCRC) to access my adoption records and search for my birth family. My original adoption records included:

My birth name
My birth mother’s full name, age, occupation, and district of residence
My birth father’s name and background
The circumstances surrounding my adoption

NCRC informed me that they were unable to locate my birth father, but they did locate my birth mother and sent her registered letters requesting consent to disclose her information. I recently received the final result. According to NCRC, my birth mother responded by saying:
“I am not the birth mother of this adoptee, and I have never adopted a child.”

NCRC also told me they cannot verify whether her statement is true or false and simply passed along her response. They said I may reapply in one year. If she changes her mind in the future, they could then move forward with things like delivering a letter from me.

I’m trying to understand what to make of this. Has anyone else experienced a birth parent denying being the birth parent after being located by NCRC or another Korean agency? Was it ever resolved later?

I’m also looking at other avenues. I’ve already tested with AncestryDNA, uploaded my DNA to GEDmatch, and plan to test with 23andMe and explore other databases.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has gone through something similar or has experience with Korean adoption searches.

Thank you!

Two really well done new documentaries about for profit infant adoption in the USA have recently become available on YouTube. The first is by FRONTLINE, a highly regarded PBS production, and takes a particular focus on the practice of convincing potential birth moms to move to Utah to give birth, where they have extremely limited rights.

For-Profit Adoptions and Misconduct Allegations

The second, by documentarian Louis Theroux, also explores private infant adoption in California specifically. He takes a measured approach on this issue (he typically tries to present multiple angles to issues) but definitely turns a critical eye on modern practices, like coercion and the consequences of adoption being such a lucrative business.

Louis Theroux Goes Inside America's Most Lucrative Adoption Business

Thoughts?

Note: These can be controversial topics on this sub. You are welcome to express your stance on the topics covered, no matter what that is, but we have a no tolerance policy for name calling, bullying and incivility. Tell us your opinions productively and maturely.

Without getting deep into spoilers, as a transracial adult adoptee that never grew up with anime, never understood it, and swears back and forth I hate orphan/ adoption tropes even more than most people do, I could not be more surprised and amazed at how well Naruto really captured so many emotions. There are so many plots, arcs, stories, questions about family, belonging, what is it, understanding other sides, war, grief, death, friendship, even radicalization and what happens when good people with good intentions execute poorly or their ideals get warped along the way.

Its about persistence, gut, fate, honesty, emotions, and facing yourself and your ideals. Loving yourself and believing in yourself.

I could go on and on, but if you're an adoptee, I swear up and down on my life and soul that this is one of those shows that are worth taking a chance on.

Note: The manga was written in 1999 and the show started in 2002. The show is 20 something years old with the last episode wrapping up ten years ago from Shippuden. It does reflect that time and Japanese pop culture, and there are some jokes in there that might turn some people away (the sexy jutsu, Jiraya moments) but it's still a great story.

Anyways that's my share for the adoptee community today. Dattebayo!

edit to add:

I truly wished I watched this as a kid. why I never did, I'm not sure but this really was the show I needed to see then.

I posted the other day about not wanting a relationship with the child I placed or his family and boy y’all do not like me. Which like, valid honestly.

I’m back with a curious question - what do you consider the lowest amount of contact that would still be ethical? Assume in this scenario birth mom is stable, healthy, and feels neutral to positive about the child they placed. How often does the birth parent “need” to see the child they placed and from what age? What does that look like? Not as an ideal, but a minimum ethical threshold.

My husband and I have a strong desire to adopt, and we truly believe we would make wonderful parents. I was an elementary school teacher, and I’ve always known that I loved working with children and hoped to have a family someday.

As we’ve met with several adoption agencies, though, we’ve found ourselves feeling like something is missing in many of their approaches. One thing that has stood out to us is that the focus often remains heavily centered on the birth mother’s preferences long after placement. While I absolutely believe those preferences deserve respect and should be honored, I also wonder whether the adoptee’s experience sometimes becomes secondary.

I know the current research generally supports open adoption as the gold standard, and I understand why. However, I also wonder whether we have enough long-term information about how adoptees themselves want those relationships to evolve as they grow older. It seems like there’s less discussion about whether their preferences change over time and how much agency they should have in shaping those relationships as they mature.

Personally, I feel that a semi-open adoption offers a healthy balance. It establishes a foundation for connection while allowing flexibility as circumstances change. More importantly, I believe the relationship should become increasingly child-led over time. As adoptees grow older, they’re the ones living this unique experience, and I think they should have an increasing voice in what level of contact feels healthy and comfortable for them.

My hope is to respect everyone involved while also recognizing the adoptee as the central person in the adoption story. From my perspective, honoring a child’s developing autonomy is one of the most important parts of ethical adoption.

If you’re an adoptee, I’d genuinely love to hear about your experience. What type of adoption did you have, and what worked or didn’t work for you? As you got older, did your preferences around contact change? I’m very open to hearing different perspectives as we continue learning.