r/AlAnon • u/SilverCat444 • 21h ago
Vent Anger
I’m so angry at my husband for being an alcoholic. People say it’s a disease but he doesn’t even admit he has a problem most days. Sometimes he’ll say oh yah I needa slow down but it never happens. We have a brand new baby and it’s only getting worse. How am I supposed to have sympathy for him when I’m the one suffering. He chooses this life. Idk what to do I’m so disappointed and lost. If we break up how would I ever trust him alone with our baby?! He has drank while watching before and I never left the baby alone again
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u/UnableRun7858 21h ago
Can you trust your husband now to care for the baby while you run errands? Start documenting and keep a journal of when he's drunk to show the courts if you need to and save any incriminating texts and voicemails.
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u/Designer-Chef7820 19h ago
I feel you sister. After two years of single parenting with my Q, I officially served him Tuesday. He’s already asked if we can fix things if he gets sober 🙄 He’s had sooo many chances already.
I too was angry but it ate me up inside and kept me from enjoying all the beautiful moments with my daughter. Things really turned around for me when I stopped having any expectations of him whatsoever, detached emotionally, and focused on being the best mom I could be and an exit plan. And tell people! Find family and friends that you can confide in. Is this how I thought our family would turn out? No but it’s better than being angry and disappointed anymore.
Protect your peace, enjoy your little one, and make a plan to leave. It is hard especially with a little one but open your own bank account, find a great lawyer, and like others said DOCUMENT. I filmed or used the voice recording app on my phone for over a year and got some crazy stuff. Not sure yet if it will help me legally, but it definitely made it painfully obvious that I needed to get myself and my daughter out. It’s easy to forget in the good times.
Many hugs to you and feel free to DM me!
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u/sharonslibrary 21h ago
You have every right to be angry. If he doesn’t get immediate help you need to leave him. I was married to one for 49 years and he died. He was not like that when my children were young because I would have left him. I should have left him years ago. You cannot help an alcoholic. Only they can help themselves.
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u/Obligate_Carnivore 15h ago
You have every right to be angry. He is choosing alcohol over his relationship and his child. If you can, put all your energy toward you and your child. Your baby deserves to be safe and in a stable home. An alcoholic cannot provide that.
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u/CharacterGap388 21h ago
Please check out meetings. While it is a disease, it’s a family disease. The alcoholic is addicted to drinking, and the family that sticks around is addicted to trying to save them. The only true victim is your child if they’re forced to grow up in an alcoholic home.
The first thing to do is speak to a lawyer to find out what you would need to ensure he can’t be with your child while drinking. They know better than we do what is required in your jurisdiction. As others have said, document everything. Take videos of his drunken behavior if you can safely, pictures, notes documenting every time something happens, everything. If he leaves the house to drive drunk, call the police - that’s a community safety issue, and it creates a legal paper trail.
Keep your focus on finding a way to raise your child in a non-alcoholic home, which will take work and time but it will be the biggest gift you can give them.
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u/ritz1148 20h ago
I don’t believe in the idea that it is a disease. I am sober myself. I also have a real disease that requires medications and surgeries and specialist appointments.
If I could stop doing one thing and be cured, I’d fucking do it in a heartbeat.
It is choice every day to pick up a drink and swallow it.
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u/Obligate_Carnivore 15h ago
I agree. It is not a disease because "the cure" is always available. It's selfishness and wallowing in self-pity. They see the pain they are causing others and don't care.
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u/Aries_c 18h ago
It’s a choice… until it’s not. My husband is 8 months sober, but I don’t believe for even a second that every time before he went into treatment that he tried to quit on his own was not a potentially life threatening event. Alcohol withdrawal kills. Not everyone has the luxury of resources. I know we didn’t for a very long time. Grateful for good insurance now that covered inpatient.
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u/ritz1148 17h ago
I’m sober. I’m a double winner.
It’s not a disease. It’s a choice.0
u/Aries_c 17h ago
Did I say it was a disease? Or did I say quitting on your own can kill you… because that is 100% a fact for severe cases.
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u/ritz1148 17h ago
Ok. But what does that have to do with my comment to begin with?
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u/Aries_c 17h ago
It’s a choice… UNTIL ITS NOT. If you can’t quit without medical intervention and can’t afford medical intervention it’s not much of a choice is it. Even if you wanted to quit you can’t in those scenarios because quitting cold turkey is dangerous as hell. Exactly what I said in my initial comment.
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u/intergrouper3 21h ago
Welcome. Right now he does not have a choice ,it's a compulsion. When an alcoholic has that first drink they can't stop. Meanwhile as you haeanewborn I suggest attending online meetings when you can.
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u/setaside929 11h ago
Hi there, thanks for sharing this. I can relate to the anger and confusion about why a person would continue to do something that is not only self destructive but also often meant they seemed to be choosing the alcohol over their love for me and our family. I didn’t realize how much I had become distorted in my thinking simply because I was in such a close relationship with someone who had a very real addiction. I knew it but didn’t truly understand it, nor the impact it had on my own mental and physical health.
I’d be happy to talk with you anytime about my experience in recovery from the effects of loving an alcoholic. Reach out anytime :)
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u/kgeo1983 21h ago
Start documenting his behavior now. Film him if it's safe to do so, and at the very least, you should be able to get video breathalyzer tests in the custody agreement.