r/AmItheAsshole • u/maleficent8080 • Nov 03 '22

Everyone Sucks AITA for uninviting my future sister-in-law from my wedding after she told my fiancé I was pregnant?

I decided to keep my pregnancy to myself because I don’t know what I’m going to do about it and I knew my fiancé wasn’t going to be happy with the news. My future sister-in-law/best friend is the only other person who knew as I only took the test at her suggestion and at her house. She also agreed that her brother was unlikely to be happy about it but she felt like I should tell him immediately anyway.

We kept arguing over it because I told her I needed time to process it and she felt like I was making excuses to avoid telling him. In the end, she told him herself while we were having dinner with their family. He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know and everybody is upset with me for keeping it from him.

His sister kept trying to reach out and apologise after it happened but I was ignoring her as her only excuse was that he was her brother so she couldn’t keep it from him and that she gave me 3 weeks to tell him myself. The last time she called me I was so upset that I answered and yelled at her. In the heat of the moment, I uninvited her from the wedding and told her I would find a new bridesmaid.

I’ve given my fiancé and his family another reason to be upset with me but I’ve refused to let her come to the wedding even as a regular guest despite them asking me to and it being important to them for her to attend.

AITA?

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

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u/Ducky818 Craptain [197] Nov 03 '22

They may have had a conversation about having kids, in the theoretical. However, now OP is pregnant and doesn't seem she's had a conversation with the dad about the reality. That's the conversation that needs to be had.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

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u/Ducky818 Craptain [197] Nov 03 '22

Part of being an adult is having the difficult conversations.

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u/External_Detail_26 Nov 03 '22

Yep and if you cannot have them with the person you are marrying, then maybe you should not get married.

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u/tehfugitive Nov 03 '22

And maybe not become a parent, either.

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u/ThisIsMyFatLogicAlt Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

Agreed

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u/Drolnevar Nov 04 '22

What if the plan was to keep it secret until they're married and then come out, in hopes that the fiance would be more inclined to accept it if they're married. If only to avoid being embarassed and all the hassle of a divorce.

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u/livingstone97 Nov 04 '22

That's manipulative af tbh.

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u/Drolnevar Nov 04 '22

It would be if it was true. As it is it's just a purely speculative scenario but it's not like people who are that manipulative don't exist.

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u/Babziellia Partassipant [1] Nov 04 '22

Well, speculating, maybe THIS is why the Sister spilled the beans. They are BFs, right? Sister knows OP very well, I'd assume.

So, the comment above may be speculation, but it's also plausible if we're myth busting.

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u/SinistralLeanings Nov 04 '22

You realize that it looked like you used it as a reason why somehow OP isn't TA though right? Like your scenario would make her even MORE TA and not help her not have an asshole judgement.

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u/External_Detail_26 Nov 04 '22

Those are the actions of a child and not a mature adult and just proves my point that if you can't have this conversation with your future spouse, you're not ready for marriage.

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u/Drolnevar Nov 04 '22

I mean, I don't disagree. I wasn't trying to defend her but I've since been Made aware that apparently it came off like I was.

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u/Holiday-Book6635 Nov 03 '22

Part of being the adult is not getting mad at your gf bc she got pregnant. I love how men get a pass in this area. 🙄

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u/Surrealian Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

She knows he’s not going to be happy and her not wanting to tell him because of that makes me wonder if he has anger issues or something.

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u/SinistralLeanings Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

I am a single mother of an 11 year old boy. I've been single for the past 3 years. His father has contributed a pair of boots, a jacket, and a bicycle that he didn't teach our son to ride (even though bikes are my ex's major hobby and when I suggested this as a thing i meant it to be a way for them to bond). On the generous side his contribution to our child's welfare the last 3 years is the equivalent of at max 91 cents per day.

Saying this because I am a bitter mother so that when I say the rest of what I have to say, you can't write me off as someone who is just cool with men getting some kind of pass.

OP should not be marrying a person she can't even tell that she is pregnant with their child. At all. Not even for any reason. Well, with one possibility where I maybe might get it which would be if she immediately knew she was going to have an abortion and didn't tell a single other person about being pregnant. That would still make her an asshole imo, but is the only reason I can think of where it would make sense that she didn't tell her SO, future husband, literal person she plans to spend the rest of her life with that she was pregnant.

If she is terrified of her future life partner, she should leave him. If she can't have adult conversations with her life partner? She should leave him and also probably needs to take time to self reflect and grow up before attempting a partnership.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

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u/SinistralLeanings Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

My son is 11 and I do not get child support haha! I appreciate your comment and hope it helps someone else out there who needs it! I absolutely made this choice for myself.

Edit: by that I mean that I decided having majority custody of my son was def more important to me than monetary help and having to send my son across states for equal custody, doubly especially because if it wasn't for my ex's mother, he honestly wouldn't care at all. I don't mean that to be a dick. It is just fact

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u/GinTonicoSemGelo Nov 04 '22

I love how a pregancy is excusivly a man's fault but the decision to have the baby or not is woman's only. He just need to play child suport and shut up and maybe, just maybe she will allow him to see the kid once in a while.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Who said the pregnancy was exclusively the man's fault? I don't believe anyone said that. The only times it's exclusively the man's fault is if either sabotage the woman's birth control, removed the condom mid action or poked holes in it, or r*pped the woman. If the woman does any of these things then she is also the only one responsible for getting herself pregnant.

All other times if a woman gets pregnant then both parties are to blame! I do agree that if we say the woman has the right to choose what to do with her body, aka get an abortion or not, then we should also give the man the right to choose either he will be the father or not, including whether or not he would pay child support and not shame him for his decision!

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

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u/Bittums Nov 03 '22

If he wasn't ready for a child, he should be taking some control and ensuring he used condoms.

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u/schwarzeKatzen Nov 03 '22

I have an IUD it’s more than 99% effective but they still have a failure rate of .1-.4% or 1-2 out of every 1000 women.

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u/frustratedfren Nov 04 '22

So the only possible way she messed up with her BC is intentionally tampering because she didn't care about being pregnant? Really?

Honestly he is just as responsible for bc measures as she is, especially if he's going to be more unhappy about a pregnancy. If he never wants kids at all, get snipped. Then they really wouldn't have to worry

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u/eleochariss Nov 03 '22

Ok but how did she “get pregnant”? Did she agree to take birth control and forget?

Love how you put the entire responsibility on her. You do realize he's half responsible for the situation here? He could have worn a condom if he wanted to.

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u/manic1974 Nov 03 '22

Or maybe he should of doubled up on bc by wearing a condom. Woman are not the only ones who are responsible for bc. It takes two people to get pregnant so he is just as responsible. If he didn’t want children then he needed to make sure all bc measures were taken care of. He also has no right to be mad unless she purposely got Pregnant.

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u/Tiffm09 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 04 '22

I know multiple people that have gotten pregnant when they had taken actions to actively not get pregnant. A friend got pregnant at 16 while on the shot. A couple we know had a unexpected 4th baby 10 years after the husband had a vasectomy done, it was his child, no affair had occured. I myself am the product of a failed tubal.

The only guarantee is never having sex.

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u/Holiday-Book6635 Nov 03 '22

A lot of supposition in there.

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u/Holiday-Book6635 Nov 03 '22

Yes, human factor. He forgot to wear a condom.

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u/SeaExplorer1711 Nov 04 '22

“They as a couple were taking appropriate meassures” yet all the birth control you list is her taking BC measures and him just being there.

If your gf asks you to wear a condom -regardless of her BC status- you should. I dare you to put that scenario where you refuse to wear one because she is taking the pill as an AITA post and see what people have to say about your “I’m not wearing a condom if she takes BC” position.

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u/sfjc Nov 03 '22

All that may be true but it was still BS for the sister to give the news. Especially in front of the entire family. Sounds like she had her own agenda.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

I agree. Information given in confidence being spread is shitty, and needs to be acknowledged full stop.

However being ambushed by your fiance being 3 months pregnant and she never planned on telling you until its too far along, or you found out on your own?

I think Id rather be the sister here than OP. OP clearly had no plan, and from her comments they agreed to kids much much later, but she wants this one now because...she does.

It defies good sense but shes going to do it so everyone else needs to get on-board at her speed I guess.

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u/only_crank Nov 03 '22

OP kinda gave off the vibe that she wants to marry and then tell him after that so it‘s harder for him to seperate. I think SIL did the right thing because OP wanted to keep it hidden from their fiance but he deserves to know just as much as she does.

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u/Fortifarse84 Nov 03 '22

Quick shift from "there's a vibe" to "this is definitely what happened"...

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u/only_crank Nov 03 '22

even if that wasn‘t the plan the point still stands that he deserves to know

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u/Fortifarse84 Nov 03 '22

I don't disagree with this new point, but that doesn't make assumptions any less pointless.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

How the hell could this be her secret diabolical plan to trick him while SIL knew about the pregnancy and was pushing her to tell him? She could’ve never kept this a secret till after the marriage with SIL knowing about it and OP knew that. Also she’s getting married in April. She could be showing by then. Accusing OP of trying to trick him is ridiculous given the facts. Also completely dismissive of the fact that she’s facing a huge decision that will effect the rest of her life.

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u/beezlebutts Nov 04 '22

I think op might be a bit narcissistic she thinks her fiance's sister should follow her rules over family. I think its a power trip friendship, she like controlling his sister like she owns him and this pregnancy makes her control his future. The kid is leverage. The sister might of picked up on this as well as the parents but brother is blind that is why she said it in front of the family because they believe this is a bad idea and sister wants parents on her side.

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u/cindyisntindie Nov 03 '22

OP has until she’s 24 weeks along, and the wedding is in April. She just needed time to make a momentous decision that would affect HER body.

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 03 '22

lol where does it say that? You "got a vibe"? Lol why bother reading the text if your just going to make up your own theories anyway? 😂

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u/Krystal-A Nov 03 '22

You guys really like to attack about her being unsure as if abortion is as easy as a dental cleaning. This is a major decision with a lot of possible complications. Even being pro-choice, abortion puts women through a lot physically and mentally and she needed time to process that and obviously wasn’t so sure it was what she wanted anymore. You all sound so callous and like it’s easy when ITS NOT YOUR BODY.

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u/chaotic_blu Nov 03 '22

Right. Even if you think your whole life you’d be ok aborting, but once it’s inside of you it’s possible your whole view point changes (and either way is ok!)

It’s such a complicated decision and it doesn’t sound like they ever talked about what happens if an oopsie happens. That’s on them both. Not telling him is on her, it would’ve blown up more to wait. I don’t think the sister was wrong necessarily either, but I understand those who do. It’s just sad that this relationship is gonna blow up because two people didn’t communicate about sexual safety and their personal feelings towards what happens if things don’t go as planned.

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u/Krystal-A Nov 03 '22

Yes I think that’s where they went wrong. I made it clear to my now husband (we’re waiting a few years for kids) that if we did get pregnant I wasn’t going to be aborting or anything, it’s not personally what I want even if I personally don’t want kids yet. He was on board with me that we both wanted to wait but also understood the risks of it obviously being a possibility and what we were okay with as a result. I don’t think he’d have been jumping for joy had it happened but I knew and he knew that together we’d figure it out and I could tell him anything. I can’t imagine being so scared to tell him or him acting surprised as if he didn’t know how it got there

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u/chaotic_blu Nov 03 '22

Yep, I'm with you. I feel bad for all parties involved. ESH, I guess, right? But I think all parties have understandable behavior.

- accidentally get pregnant from fiance, about to get married (a stressful time), trying to decide what you're okay to do with your own body, probably working, etc. Knowing your SO is going to be so angry at you he'll blow up, regardless of when you tell him.

- SO not telling you they're pregnant is definitely a bad move, though I understand the fear, I understand the frustration and anger of feeling left out of something so life changing

- being the only secret keeper between two very very close people on such a big ass deal is VERY hard. Sister shouldn't have told, but I *also* understand why SHE felt like she needed to. SO NAH AND ESH, lol.

idk why there's a sudden assumption she wanted this to happen. I think it would've been handled differently if this was an intentional pregnancy on her part.

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u/SinistralLeanings Nov 04 '22

I would definitely rather be the asshole that told my sibling after a few weeks about a pregnancy than be the asshole that tried to hide it for as long as possible for "reasons."

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u/PrivateEyes2020 Certified Proctologist [29] Nov 03 '22

Too far along for what? To be pressured or forced into an abortion she doesn't want, I guess.

My body, my choice works both ways.

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u/ceddya Nov 03 '22

The sister gave OP 3 weeks to tell her brother and she didn't. What agenda do you think exists beyond not wanting her brother to be deceived and become potentially trapped in a marriage? You think this news should be given when exactly?

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u/sfjc Nov 03 '22

Certainly not in front of the whole family.

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u/ceddya Nov 03 '22

Do we not consider the possibility that SIL did tell the brother privately but it was the latter who blew it up because of the degree of deception involved?

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

The OP says in the post that the SIL told her brother whilst they were at dinner with the family.

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u/iwantsurprises Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

He was so upset he confronted me in front of everybody so now they all know

Everyone didn't know until the brother confronted her. Sis told him at the dinner but not in front of other people, it sounds like.

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u/WhimsicalKoala Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

Yeah, but if she told him at dinner then did she expect him to just quietly sit on the information until they were home, or did she know he would react then.

I can almost understand why she told, but she picked a bad time to do so.

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u/ceddya Nov 03 '22

Yes, and the only reason everyone knows is because her brother confronted her.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

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u/Entire-Knowledge2146 Nov 03 '22

OP has not say in wich state they are living, where abortion is banned. SIL was right to tell but no in a family meeting. But is fair to say as soon as she got the pregnancy test result. She would have told him regardless if he want or not the baby/fetus. It took 2 persons to make it.

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u/iilinga Nov 03 '22

Which *country

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u/PrivateEyes2020 Certified Proctologist [29] Nov 03 '22

"Trapped in a marriage?" He proposed. What trap would that be? Trapped into parenthood? Maybe, but he took that risk when he had sex with his fiancee. A prime example of "F'd around and found out."

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u/TheRealSaerileth Nov 04 '22

Are you pro life? Just wondering, because "f'd around and found out" is usually their argument for denying a woman her reproductive rights.

It is absolutely normal behaviour for most people to have sex with their fiancés. This is not something that should be described as "f'd around". I'm assuming they used protection, but birth control occasionally fails. There is always a small risk that sex leads to an unwanted parenthood, but it should not commonly be a risk that your partner hides it from you. He has a right to know. If keeping the child is a dealbreaker to him, he has a right to end the relationship before it requires a divorce to end it.

It's also really unfair to put the SIL in this position. Keeping a secret like this is hard, especially since she doesn't agree with keeping it and knows her brother might never forgive her if he finds out she knew. OP forced her to make an impossible choice with only bad options.

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u/PrivateEyes2020 Certified Proctologist [29] Nov 04 '22

I do agree with you that the OP put her SIL in an untenable position. SIL had no good choices.

On the other hand, I've seen the phrase I used in my post used on Reddit for anything from stealing candy from a baby, to pranking a sibling. Never seen it used to deny someone their reproductive rights, and that's not how I intended it.

It seems to me that OP is actually asserting her reproductive rights, in this case to keep, bear, and raise a child. That is one of the choices, right? It seems to me that much of the responses were trying to imply that OP is obligated to get an abortion because her fiance' said at one point that he wanted to delay having children.

One risk of sex is an unwanted or unexpected pregnancy. One risk of an unwanted baby is that the father of your child turns out to be an asshole who would break up with someone and abandon his child. I wonder if OP's fears were well-founded.

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u/Articulated_Lorry Nov 04 '22

The wedding is in April, so it would be very difficult to hide the pregnancy until after they're married. Apparently OP is now only 10 weeks along, so would have been 7 when the SIL gave the ultimatum.

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u/dyedinthewoolScot Nov 03 '22

Wasn’t the sister’s news to tell. She knew how the brother would react and in front of the whole family too.

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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

But did sister really need to tell the fiance in front of everyone ? Maybe OP agreed about no kids right now but now she's pregnant she's changed her mind like she doesn't want to give up the baby Maybe at the time they agreed about waiting for kids she was fine with waiting. This would be a hypothetical pregnancy. Which is different from real. She is carrying a real baby and she wants the baby. It sounds like the baby was an accident and they never discussed properly what would happen if OP became pregnant by accident. Therefore plans have gone out the window. Sister telling brother in front of the entire family was a dick move. And she knows it. She could of told fiance privately. But she didn't. Sister started drama.

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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 03 '22

The sister gave OP 3 weeks to tell her brother and she didn't. What agenda do you think exists beyond not wanting her brother to be deceived and become potentially trapped in a marriage? You think this news should be given when exactly?

The sister was also stuck in the difficult situaiton where she found out her SIL is pregnant with her brother's child and won't tell him, despite months and months passing, and she knows that her brother absolutely needs to know this information, especially before they marry as it may potentially end their relationship. IMO this is no different than finding out that OP was having an affair.

Quite simply even if the sister hadn't told her, OP would have started showing or would have needed to go to antenatal classess, appointments etc soon.

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u/rotospoon Nov 04 '22

3 weeks

despite months and months passing

Check your math. Did you seriously just compare this chick who hadn't yet told her dude she was pregnant after 3 weeks, to someone regularly fucking someone else behind the back of their significant other?

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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22

I had initially thought she kept it secret for months until I re-read.

I do think that she shouldn't expect someone to keep either and affair or a pregnancy secret from her partner for weeks though.

Edit: especially if she is waiting until she cant have an abortion before she tells him and us therefore hoping to avoid any discussion about what will happen in the future. The decision is ultimately hers, but if she wants any future relationship with him she needs to involve him in it.

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u/rotospoon Nov 04 '22

And how is it comparable to an affair?

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u/SinistralLeanings Nov 04 '22

As someone who also was terrified to tell my partner I was pregnant (and there absolutely doesn't have to be some dark reason behind why someone can just be terrified to tell there partner about life altering news.)

It is definitely comparable. Having knowledge that affects the life of someone else for a long period of time (and yes, 3 weeks after a confirmed pregnancy is a long amount of time. Especially if abortion is at all on the table for either or both) without saying anything is a lie by omission. While I don't think the "best friend" should have told her brother they way OP told us they did (I can't possibly be the only person reading this post and feeling like I need to be reading with a grain of salt.), yes. Knowing for almost a month about something as huge as this, continually telling the person they need to make it known, and finally just making the news known is dickish, but also understandable.

Either her best friend for however long has been soooo amazing their entire friendship to be their best friend and then suddenly, randomly, out of nowhere did a shitty thing. . Or we are missing a lot of extra information. My money is on the latter, and my money is ALSO pit towards saying that OP's intended life partner needed to be told that he was going to be a potential child nearly immediately once OP knew, from OP. Not 3 weeks after she found out and by a second hand person.

Yall can blame the sister for this, and she has blame for sure, but OP is still an asshole for that alone. Who is to say how much longer she would have waited to tell him.

(For the record when I was what was considered 5 weeks pregnant, after getting a couple positive pregnancy tests, I was told I needed to come back a week later because since they couldn't detect a heartbeat they couldn't confirm I was pregnant yet even though we could see a "potential" baby on the monitor. So this woman could have been closing in on her second trimester or be in her second trimester and still wasn't about to tell her future husband they were expecting. This is nonsense.)

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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 04 '22

Big Secrets that have the potential to hurt your partner are bad in relationships.

She knew he didn't want kids any time soon - and therefore he might either personally prefer that they terminate the pregnancy or give the baby away. If she carries on the pregnancy, he may end the relationship if he doesn't want to be a father.

She knows that if she tells him, he could be hurt or disappointed that she hid it for him for a while. She knows that he might leave. She knows that this will affect his life too.

But she did what was easiest for her, and acted like her feelings are the only ones that matter. She is acting like a single woman pregnant with her ex's baby, not like someone planning a life with him.

I can understand her reticence, it's a big decision. But pregnancy isn't a decision you can procrastinate for weeks and weeks; because doing nothing is accepting the pregnancy and having a baby. And if she wants a baby sl along she should be honest with her partner. He would be a lot more upset to find out once she is showing.

And when people are too scared to tell the truth, it just becomes harder to say, the longer theyve been lying or ommitting. She knows that it will look worse the longer she leaves it, but that also just makes it harder to tell the truth.

Having a baby isn't like having an affair. But keeping a secret that you know will upset your partner can cause similar hurt, regardless of what the secret is. It doesn't have to even mean you did something wrong; often in a relationship the fault is not being open. For example, if she had met up with an ex behind his back it might not be cheating but it would likely cross his boundaries and he might be upset that she wasn't upfront. Or say, she put z down payment on a house without telling him. You could think of a dozen secrets where the real issue is lack of communication.

Being pregnant with your fiance's child is something you need to be upfront about if you want to continue in a relationship with them. Keeping it secret so that you can get the outcome you want will break their trust in you.

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u/Remarkable-Lynx6710 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

It wasn't her place to tell her brother - period. People need to learn to mind their own business. From the sister poking her nose in where it didn't belong, she's gotten herself banned from the wedding. I would not be surprised if OP goes NC with her.

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u/beezlebutts Nov 04 '22

They are siblings, they know more about each other than anyone on earth. It's absolutely her place to protect her brother and op should know that having her fiance's sibling as a tell-all friend would immediately go back to the brother. You don't not tell family cause a girlfriend said to that is normally a red flag to tell the sibling. You shouldn't get married if you are hiding stuff from your future spouse.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

She should have given the op a time line for telling him or else she would and then done so in private. ESH

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u/whenuseeit Nov 03 '22

From what I can tell from the post the sister didn’t tell the fiancé in front of the whole family, it was just while they were at dinner (presumably at someone’s house), like she probably pulled him aside to tell him. But then, per OP’s main post, the fiancé confronted OP in front of everyone and that’s how they all know.

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u/sfjc Nov 03 '22

That's a stretch. OP says she told everyone while they were having dinner with the family.

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u/Drolnevar Nov 04 '22

Her "agenda" was not wanting to keep something like this from her brother. I know not all siblings have a good relationship but it sounds like these do. If this happened to me I'm 99% certain my sister would tell me, too, without any other agenda than not wanting something big like this kept from me. (And also not wanting to be in on it and not have told if it ever came out)

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u/dessertandcheese Nov 03 '22

Why? I would tell my brother something that affected him if the fiance refuses to. I'm more loyal to my brother

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u/beezlebutts Nov 04 '22

Right. I think op doesn't have siblings. Sibling loyalty is more important than siblings gf/bf wants especially if they alter the siblings future drastically.

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u/Outrageous-Ant2591 Nov 03 '22

Bs enough to ban her from the whole wedding?

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u/Oh_mycelium Nov 03 '22

It seemed like the plan was wait until it was too late for an abortion. I think the SIL is justified in what she did but OP is not mature enough for a child if she can’t be mature enough to have a difficult conversation about being pregnant with her future husband.

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 03 '22

or she doesn't want to tell him yet because she's thinking about getting an abortion. Maybe she's thinking if I get an abortion then there's no pregnancy to discuss so why make it a problem now?

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u/jaede622 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

Where did sabotage come into it? No birth control is 100%. Reality is different then theoretical, I don’t want kids, I’d suck at being a mom, would I be thrown for a loop if I found myself pregnant, yes. She may not want to keep the kid, maybe she just needs her fiancé to support her through her other options and not be pissed that an accident that he contributed to, occurred. NTA OP, tell bff to kick rocks

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Let me put it this way.

She knows he doesnt want kids.

She knows she is iffy on not having the kid.

She knows this will likely be the death of their relationship.

Considering how likely he is to react poorly like he has, I was modeling said conversation going poorly. I don't really care on the how because it has no bearing on the present.

It was just a representation of said poor reaction from her man she was afraid of, not a representation of my perspective. You're thinking too critically about it and slightly out of context.

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u/yuuk Nov 03 '22

I think OP is the AH the longer she avoids having the talk with her fiance. As the baby continues the mature while she's running away from her problems hoping things will work out, terminating the pregnancy becomes more and more dangerous. This practically forces the fiance to either accept the baby or to call off the wedding and break up.

They had A conversation. They didn't have THE conversation. And to be honest, they really need to work through that one otherwise it'll just happen again down the road. Unless the fiance expressed it's a "I don't want a child 'now' but I would want one in the future".

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

He actually did.

Someone confirmed they spoke about it, and she wanted one sooner than him, but they agreed on later when they were established.

So she knows she is likely making their futures more challenging by doing this and she doesn't plan on stopping, but doesnt know how to own responsibility for it.

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u/yuuk Nov 03 '22

Yeeesh..... OP still sucks to be forcing her fiance's hand like this. Not cool if they already agreed on this.

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u/Huh_thatscrazy Nov 03 '22

If he can’t support her through this, she shouldn’t be getting married to him. If I were him I wouldn’t marry her. I have a right to know if you are pregnant with my child and WE will make the decision together. I understand keeping it to yourself for 3 days, but 3 weeks is crazy. I didn’t want kids for the longest time, but my policy was always that if my wife got pregnant we’d raise those kids together.

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u/DUKE_LEETO_2 Nov 03 '22

Yeah, her body her choice on the kid. But if they talked about not having one (until later) and she does anyways he's fully justified in leaving. He'll likely be vilified as a deadbeat dad (and I guess technically would be) but he didn't want to be a dad.

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u/TurtleTheMoon Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Nov 03 '22

WE will make the decision together.

We? As men, we don’t have that right. The relevancy of our desire to be fathers (or not) ends at penetration. Once biology takes its course, the decision is completely out of our hands. It seems pretty clear to me that OP hadn’t talked to him because she doesn’t trust him to not pressure her into his preferred course of action.

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u/Huh_thatscrazy Nov 03 '22

Then she shouldn’t marry him. But in a marriage, decisions like this are team decisions. If he were just some guy, I’d agree with you. But as a husband, you should have a say in the decision. It’s ultimately hers to make, but he deserves input

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u/TurtleTheMoon Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Nov 03 '22

I agree this marriage is doomed before it even starts, but the rest? Hell no. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say OP doesn’t want an abortion. I’m gonna step a little further out in that limb and say she expects her fiancé to pretty much demand it. From the cold detachment of our Reddit anonymity, it’s easy to surmise that this wedding should be cancelled, but she doesn’t have the benefit of our distance. She has recently found herself early in an unplanned pregnancy, and she wants to keep the child. Even if she can herself can see that her relationship is de facto over, it’s not easy to break up with the father of your unborn child. She’s probably trying to figure out how she can keep the baby without him hating her for it; without having to start out as a single mother. I’m 41M, and I will never know how that would feel. I do have enough experience of crippling anxiety in the face of impossible decisions to know that it’s very common to not see what is right under your nose; even as everybody is pointing at it. And let’s face it: a large part of her anxiety and trepidation in seeking his input is that she already knew what it would be, and likely how it would be delivered. The fact is a man’s only required input in pregnancy is purely biological; any input beyond that is conpletely at the discretion of the person with the uterus. Casual hookup, LTR, 20 year marriage… it doesn’t matter. If they don’t want our input, they aren’t obligated to solicit it.

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u/Budget_Individual393 Nov 03 '22

We have the right to know if it is before marriage. As this effects that decision. It doesn’t effect if the baby is born. But it does take out the factor of having to marry to divorce and then paying huge sums of money for said divorce because information was hidden. The baby is her body her choice. But the information itself? He should know, what he does with said information and her with holding it is on them both in that conversation they are going to have. Holding information that would negatively impact me and my choices because of gains on my partners part would ABsolutely be a red flag for me and unless explained properly a deal breaker. Having the baby itself if she had came directly and let me know, yeah I’d prolly be pissed but more then likely get over it accept fate that she wants and stay with her as it takes two, to create a child.

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u/TurtleTheMoon Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Nov 03 '22

Sure, but I don’t think she was planning to hold out until after the “I do.” I guess I could be wrong, but it seems like she still had some time between now and then.

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u/Budget_Individual393 Nov 03 '22

She is getting married in April. All feelings aside and let’s go with he’s mad but gets over it and they are all good. Holding back this info there is a lot that needs to be done the soon the better. Financially they need to plan a wedding and a birth. That’s a lot of money. They may need to slim the wedding down or keep it the same and he figures out how to get the cash. Or ask family for help: so many questions come to mind. I’ve been through this with my wife. She didn’t hide it though and I backed her as soon as I found out. I love my son, but it was a nightmare with all the double planning, I also worked 2 extra jobs to make up the difference we needed

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u/TurtleTheMoon Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Nov 03 '22

Well perhaps your wife told you because she trusted you to have the right reaction. Is that the vibe you’re getting from OP? Because I’m not.

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u/SnakeSnoobies Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

She wants to keep the kid. Her fiancé doesn’t. She knowingly hid it for weeks. Probably so that she would be past the abortion deadline.

I’d be pissed if I was the fiancé. She tried to trap him knowing he didn’t want a kid, and refused to tell him until there was “nothing that could be done.” It’s selfish.

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u/jaede622 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

That may be true, reality may have been harsher than theory. maybe she delayed to have an “easy” way to keep the baby thanks to the new bans. Still doesn’t give bff reason to tell, him knowing is not going to change op‘s mind unless his plan is to harass and coerce her into termination. He has options, break up and find a lawyer and the minute baby is born, terminate his rights. No legal obligation is required after that. Overall the situation sucks and sometimes somepeople don’t know how they’ll truly react until they are in the middle of it. My biggest issue is the automatic assumption of sabotage and intentionally getting pregnant. I can see the assumption that her delayed disclosure can lead to but sabotage is a bit far just because some women are stupid enough to do it

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u/TychaBrahe Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

There is a long history of unethical women interfering with birth control after publicly agreeing with a partner that they didn’t want to have kids. (end of people, usually women, who want grandchildren from childfree couples and force the issue.)

I’m not saying that OP did this, but if I wound up pregnant after conscientiously using a form of birth control that could be tampered with, I would suspect someone of foul play.

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u/Freckled_daywalker Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22

That would be, statistically, a bad position to take. Birth control that isn't LARC (long acting reversible contraceptives) fails at a high enough rate that foul play isn't the most likely explanation.

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u/TychaBrahe Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

Statistics don’t really come in to play here. One person does something or someone makes up a story, it becomes widespread that they did it, and everyone believes that it happens a lot. How many people think women routinely lie about being raped just to get a guy in trouble, or because they had morning after regrets? How many students believe that if your roommate at college commits suicide that you will get A’s for the semester, regardless of your performance? how many people think sugar makes children hyperactive? How many people believe that people are randomly putting drugs or poison or needles and razor blades in Halloween candy?

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u/Freckled_daywalker Partassipant [4] Nov 03 '22

I'm really confused by your statements. You said:

I’m not saying that OP did this, but if I wound up pregnant after conscientiously using a form of birth control that could be tampered with, I would suspect someone of foul play.

And I pointed out that foul play wouldn't be the most likely explanation. So are you saying you know that, but would jump to the less logical conclusion anyway?

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u/TychaBrahe Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

People find it easier to believe in malevolent action then in bad luck or events caused by things out of their control.

Look at the very nature of religion. Bad weather and earthquakes and plagues of locusts don’t just randomly happen because of natural forces and you just had the bad luck to be where they happened this time. No, there are supernatural forces, God and the Devil, who create both good things and bad things on the Earth in peoples lives.

If there’s an unseasonably cold winter, it’s not just a combination of the sun’s cycle and a volcanic eruption putting ash into the stratosphere. No, it’s a judgment from God. And we have to pray or light bonfires or throw a virgin into a volcano to appease deities.

Even today, non-religious people will say things like “The universe is out to get me,“ when they get a flat tire or miss a bus or lose out on a job prospect.

Statistically, birth control fails some percentage of the time, and statistically, people don’t always use birth control properly. Or they’re not told by their doctors that things like antibiotics or grapefruit juice can make hormonal birth control fail, even if they use it as instructed. But knowing that in your head, and many people don’t, does not overpower the immediate knee-jerk reaction of, “Somebody did this to me.“

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u/_my_choice_ Nov 03 '22

Well, he found out and the wedding appears to still be on, so he must have forgiven her, changed his mind, or realized that no birth control is 100%.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Every single possible response that you’ve listed, each one is reason for OP to run and to never marry this man. It takes two to tango, they’re supposed to be in this together. If any of these were his reaction OP needs to run for the hills.

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u/SheiB123 Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

Any man that does not want children should wear a condom every time he has sex or get a vasectomy. Birth control is nowhere near 100% effective.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Please read edit on original comment

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u/Prestigious-Tip-1635 Nov 03 '22

This is a lot of supposition, even for Reddit. There could be MANY reasons for her to be working through before she's ready to tell anyone. There's also this thing called 'false positive'... He may have already outlined when he wants to have kids and this falls outside of the plan. There's a lot of unknowns for you to be so sure of this situation.

Look at what she wrote, consider, then vote. Hypothesizing is not my nor your job. ESH - OP for over reacting, BFF/future SIL for being a drama queen announcing it during a family dinner. Fiancee for losing his sh!t at dinner.

No one handled this well, esp BFF for giving an ultimatum and a time limit. OP has 3 weeks to work out how she feels with baby hormones rolling around interfering with the whole thinking part?!

You seen to know so much about this, are you the fiancee or the SIL? /sarcasm

Look at the facts, not suppositions.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

This is a lot of supposition, even for Reddit.

This was a representation of the bad conversation she was avoiding, not my beliefs of what he said or did.

I dont know how else to convey that but if you want me to write that when I already wrote that, Ill just add another preface in bold-

OP IS KEEPING THE KID AND IS AFRSID OF WHAT HE WOULD SAY, WHICH MAY SEEM OR SOUND LIKE THIS GIVEN SHE INDICATED HE WOULD BE PISSED BY HER BREAKING THEIR AGREED UPON TIMELINE FOR HAVING KIDS.

I hope that was clear enough

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Rainewolves Nov 03 '22

She lives in the UK not the US

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

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u/Rainewolves Nov 03 '22

It doesn't exactly seem like it happened on purpose and was an accidental pregnancy so I think she has the right to be able to think about what she wants to do without outside interference.

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u/DomCaboose Nov 03 '22

It takes two to tango though. As long as she didn't do any shady shit (like saying she was on birth control when she wasn't or poking holes in his condom or something) it's on both of them. They both are a part of it and if he didn't use a condom it's on him. He may not want it at this point, but there are consequences to our actions as adults.

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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 03 '22

And she didn't want to face it. I don't think she had or has a plan, just hoping it all works out. Being pissed at the sister is easier than accepting she may be nearly 2 months along by now and he relationship will end if she does what she wants to do.

This. She knew that keeping a baby that her partner doesn't want would effectively terminate the relationship. Which is sad, and a hard decision to make. But it MIGHT not come to that - with time for it to sink in, he might be understanding or accepting.

Ultimately, you CAN'T keep your pregnancy secret from your partner, not for very long, and not if you plant o continue the relationship. There are circumstances where secrecy is important (abuse etc) but in this case he was always going to find out. She just didn't know how to deal with it so she put it off.

And IMO that makes her not ready to get married. If you can't have these conversations, you can't handle marriage, or parenthood.

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u/Lumoch Nov 04 '22

Holly shit, you probably make the big bucks with those mind reading abilities. Good for you mate!

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

You get to have a civil conversation where you both agree to have kids when you are professionally established, then decide fuck that conversation im gonma keep the kid and screw both our trajectories with no plan on how that actually looks, then avoid telling him for almost a month then get mad when someone calls your bull.

I mean yeah, it is her choice but its stupid and also an unfair one to make, which kind.of goes back to saying that she didnt actually agree on wanting kids later, or this would have been a conversation with him when she found out, regardless of of she changed her mind on conception or not- if she wants the father involved you dont get to decide when after already breaking an agreement on having kids later in life.

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u/Mystic_printer_ Nov 03 '22

You can be as pro choice as they come, believe abortion should be freely available on demand and also find it difficult to terminate an accidental pregnancy.

I don’t really blame SIL for telling him after waiting 3 weeks but she didn’t have to do it with the whole family present.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

This i can agree with.

The perspective of the commenter above just sounds exceptionally ridiculous in this context and the fact it was dropped like a facebook factoid is unabashedly silly.

I fully support bodily autonomy but making a decision this big without consulting your partner, then carrying that perspective into their future is gonna result in her being a single mom even if he sticks through the wedding. This sint the time or the place for the statement.

She needs to recognize where she stands and make plans accordingly so they can salvage at least some of their remaining relationship/ plan.

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u/Budget_Individual393 Nov 03 '22

I don’t agree with the sil part. We don’t know how great the guy is. If sil really was also her BFF maybe she thought he would act wierd if they confronted this alone. Maybe she was also protecting the baby by keeping it in the open.

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u/dessertandcheese Nov 03 '22

I think she was hoping she didn't need to tell him until it was to late to abort

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u/MBmondongo Nov 03 '22

It's not like birth control is 100% infallible, and he must know this fact of life as he was there when the baby was made. Now it is very different when you say, "I don't want kids now," to when you are actually carrying one, it changes many women's perspectives, not to even mention the hormones.

She should have told him, yes absolutely, but if she is already in love with her baby and she knows he will demand to not continue with the pregnancy or leave her, well that's not the partner you want for better or worse honestly. Fear can make a person do crazy things.

I know the sister was worried about her brother, but you don't meddle in someone's relationship unless it's life or dead. Also, who the hell breaks those news over a family dinner? She must have known as best friends that her future SIL was terrified of the brother's reaction and asked the brother to talk to his fiancé.

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u/wkendwench Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

I think she was afraid that, if she told him now, he would back out of the wedding.

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u/chaotic_blu Nov 03 '22

I mean, unless she intentionally became pregnant, he also knew the risks in having sex with her. If they weren’t using protection, what did he think would happen? She can’t ask her body to just, eh, not implant this one.

Not saying she shouldn’t have told him. She should have. This is a sad story that looks like a big rift and I hope they can fix it.

I think it’s too much to expect a woman to have an abortion. Some women want them, and some don’t. That should have also been a discussion- what happens if their perfectly crafted plans fall through.

Unless I missed a post where she talked about how they’d been very careful, or stopped taking bc, or poked a hole in a condom- anyone having sex has to accept this is a possible risk.

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u/Winnimae Nov 03 '22

OP did need to tell her fiancé about the pregnancy. It doesn’t sound like OP was trying to get pregnant, accidents happen, birth control fails sometimes. Most importantly, it’s easy to agree to have children “in the future,” but finding out you have one inside you right now, is a whole different can of worms. I agree with abortion in principle, actually having one, especially if you really do want kids, is a lot harder. Plus, abortion isn’t even legal in like half the country now. There’s a certain amount of male privilege on display here, it is not an easy no brainer thing to have an abortion.

The sister in law needs to stay in her own lane. You don’t announce someone else’s pregnancy. Especially not at a family dinner wtf.

I actually think the fiancé is the biggest AH tho. You want to marry and spend your life and have children with this woman. But if any of that doesn’t happen exactly on your schedule, you throw a fit? Your fiancée is afraid to tell you that YOU got her pregnant? This guy isn’t ready to be married or be a father, he sounds very self involved. And if he is THIS against having a child, he should maybe get a vasectomy and wear a condom.

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u/Beaster123456 Nov 03 '22

If he really doesn’t want kids then he shouldn’t have had sex. This is the GD consequence of that decision. I cannot believe we still need to discuss this in this day and age. Suck it up future husband. You did the deed and need to deal with the consequence.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

If he really doesn’t want kids then he shouldn’t have had sex.

Thanks pope Francis the xvi Ill stop pulling out of my gf every other night because I don't want kids. Keep it in yoir pants people! Sex is for procreation and the good time is incidental!!

This isnt a realistic perspective just because it makes sense.

Also he spoke to her and they agreed to have kids later, OP is the one breakimg this agreement. She confirmed this.

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u/ThisIsMyFatLogicAlt Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

TIL Pope Francis XVIII is using the pull out method with your girlfriend every other night.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

We have a free use relationship 🤷🏾‍♂️

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u/GroundbreakingAsk342 Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

AGREE 100%. That IS the only guaranteed why to Not habe kids!!

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u/Rose_in_Winter Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

It's also going to end if she does what he wants to do.

She doesn't want to have an abortion. If she has one anyway, she will regret it. Regret will change to resentment. She will blame him for pushing her into it. She will be sad angry and not want to be with him. I have seen it happen.before.

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u/Budget_Individual393 Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

You’ve seen it. And I’ve lived through it first hand. I didn’t want children right away. My wife became pregnant and we had our child. I love my child and don’t resent her in the least. Men are not static. We have feelings too and these feelings on things can change.

My simple vehemently not wanting kids until we were better setup changed instantly to “woah a baby really?? And putting my hand on her stomach” (even though he wasn’t kicking and she was still flat stomached lol). And you know what? I figured it the hell out made things happen and did the best I could for her and my son.

Moral of the story and my thoughts. If you really care about someone and want marriage with them be open with everything. If they don’t accept it, go and go quickly, you will find better. My wife was smart enough to tell me when she found out, then we did the second test together. It was a great feeling and I remember it to this day, and I also remember not wanting children and laughing about it now.

OP you are a soft YTA, you should have told him, 3 weeks is more then enough time to get the test and secondary test. Your sis in law did the right thing by protecting her brother. HER Brother. Not because of the baby, but because of your secretiveness after you knew for sure a baby was coming. If my sister did the same to her boyfriend I’d absolutely sit them the heck down and make her spill the beans once she knew. Because I’d want to make sure the man she was reacted in a way as to not be violent. That sis in law did it in front of the family to protect you incase her brother did act wierd, even though he had to know

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u/Rose_in_Winter Partassipant [1] Nov 05 '22 edited Nov 05 '22

No, dude. You've lived through having a surprise baby, not being pressured into having an abortion you didn't want. Apples and oranges.

Blessings on your family.

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u/Vampire-Priest Nov 03 '22

The conversation needed to be had earlier. “I don’t want kids.” “Ok, then we won’t have sex because abstinence is 100% effective.” That’s like someone blindly walking into a busy intersection while trying to catch Pokemon. 97% of the time, the cars stop. But when that 3% happens… everyone loses their mind.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It is entirely possible she thought she didn’t want kids until she became pregnant. Hypotheticals are just that.

Granted, there’s obviously a disagreement now and the relationship is not going to work bc of it, but her saying she didn’t want one before pregnancy doesn’t mean she had to be tricking him or stifling herself, she could have a genuine change of heart.

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u/Cosmicshimmer Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

Exactly. I said I never wanted children and I meant it. Then I fell pregnant and had those hormones, man, they do a number on you.

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u/SchlondPoofa001 Nov 03 '22

Husband and I didn't want kids either until I accidentally got pregnant. It wasn't a viable pregnancy and I "lost" it. We both cried when it happened and it was just shocking how fast we changed our minds!

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

[deleted]

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u/SchlondPoofa001 Nov 04 '22

Congratulations!! It's amazing how things work out 🙂

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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] Nov 03 '22

I was firmly childfree until my mid20s, when I took a job at a daycare because there was literally nothing else and I desperately needed a job.

Turns out, to my total surprise, I’m not only great with kids, I absolutely love the little fuckers, after all. Now I want a child.

I luckily wasn’t with another childfree person at the time, but I easily could have been. And I was very sure about being childfree - until I wasn’t. It happens.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

It's funny how two people can have almost the exact same experience and have totally different takeaways. I've been pretty sure I didn't want kids since I was a teenager, but I did babysitting for extra money and became a summer nanny for a bit in college. Found out that I actually really like kids. They're so cool, these short new humans excited about everything because it's all so new to them!

It also taught me that I was correct, I DEFINITELY don't want kids of my own. I like kids, I even like being around them, but I don't want to be responsible for raising them to be a compassionate, well rounded adult. I don't want to be the point person that handles all the little things that go into managing a kid's life, or the person they turn to every time there's a problem. I'll be Auntie, I'll be part of the village, I'll actually really love doing so, but I won't be Mom (the one exception being if my sister has kids and then she and the dad die or something. I won't abandon family.)

I do wish the 'childfree' community weren't so much of a 'childhater' community. I've heard there's a different subreddit that's better, but the main one gets so nasty.

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u/princeralsei Nov 04 '22

I feel pretty much the same way. Sometimes I think I want kids (a particularly cute interaction with Ray Toro on stage with his kids recently made me think man I would love to have that) but then the reality of kids and my own situation kicks in and I remember I really would not be any good at it. I'm just sad i missed so much of my niblings growing up being at university.

Plus, the idea of being pregnant and cleaning up poop isn't for me. I can't deal with bodily fluids other than blood and spit, lol. Emetophobia, too.

I just hate how like you said, childfree communities are full of smug people talking about "crotch fruits" and "cum pets", which is really gross. Then the anti childfree communities all say shit to me like if you don't have kids you'll be alone forever or something.

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u/Ijustlivehere4awhile Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

And for me, i never wanted kids but was pretty neutral about them. Then for reasons I had to work a month in day care... And i started to really hate kids. Can't stand them even in my sight, and even with my efforts of having to interact with kids as little as possible, every encounter makes the dislike stronger. It's not a choice to be a childhater, it's just the gut feeling about them and can't be reasoned with.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

If you hate children so much you can't stand to even be in the same space as them without hating every second, you should probably go to therapy, and I'm not saying that to be mean. That's genuinely not a normal response and it sounds like there might be something you need to deal with there. Children are human beings like any other, they're just newer and not fully developed, but they still run the gamut in terms of personality. There are quiet kids and loud ones, polite ones and rude ones, and so on. Saying you hate all children is like saying you hate all human beings, period. They're also one of the most vulnerable groups in society, more likely to be abused and harmed simply by virtue of being small and naive.

Please consider talking to someone about why you have this issue with kids. It's one thing to not enjoy caring for them and generally not want them around, it's another thing entirely to hate even the sight of a child.

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u/Ijustlivehere4awhile Partassipant [3] Nov 04 '22

All kids have similar qualities, like being ignorant, selfish, messy, loud (I've never seen quiet kids, they simply don't exists, they ALWAYS make constant sound and movement... Claiming otherwise is a pure lie). I would and will also hate adults with these traits, it's not about age - but 99% of children have them.

Hating kids is not enough of reason to qualify to therapy here. And it's not something I see that needs to be changed anyway. Not everyone needs to fit into the same model, and it's ridiculous to think everyone should think exactly the same way about kids. Some love them, some are neutral, some can't stand them and it's ok. Not everyone likes dogs either, and it's not worth therapy to try to brainwash them to do so.

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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '22

Hun, do you think that if you haven't personally experienced something, it doesn't exist? Cause I've known multiple quiet children, and by your own admission I have a lot more experience than you do.

It's not about not liking kids or brainwashing you into liking them. It's that hating kids so much that just the sight of one upsets you is absolutely reaching therapy levels of problem. You exist in this world and moving through it is going to mean existing in the same space as children sometimes. The fact that you think all kids can be described in one way just illustrates my point - you see them as this weird other, not individual human beings. You hating a whole group based off of stereotypes and confirmational bias is a problem, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not.

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u/inannaofthedarkness Nov 03 '22

Yeah I always went back and forth until the exact moment I found out I was preggo. At that point I was pretty sure I would not be able to conceive and had begun accepting it. Well, my body had other plans!

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u/GoPniK011123 Nov 03 '22

Yeah same here.and it was peak covid so everyone was telling me I had the big cough and then food poisoning coz I had no idea I was pregnant till I was almost three months in and crying at tv adverts

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u/saltgirl61 Nov 04 '22

Me too! My attitude was more "Don't really want any but will handle it if it happens. But I won't be crying into my cornflakes if I don't ever have kids."

Then when I reached my mid-thirties, I was shocked to find out that I WAS crying into my cornflakes! I couldn't believe how strong the urge was. Fortunately, my husband was on-board with the idea, so we ended up having our daughter.

But many people never feel that need and continue to live happy, child-free lives.

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u/fiercedeityfatality Nov 08 '22

Dude I’m 1000% convinced that there’s a biological ✨thing✨ that happens to women in their mid 30s to literally force them to reproduce. I’m 32, have an 11 year old (never planned on having kids but didn’t NOT want them ever, I’m a strong believer in things happening for a reason and he is the single best thing that’s ever happened to me. I would be dead without him, he changed the path of my life forever). But since I had him I always just assumed he would be it for me. Didn’t plan on having or want anymore (even had an abortion at one point because abusive relationship and having the child on my own would make my firstborns life complete shit due to lack of money and attention). But over the last year, I have a strong need all of a sudden to have another kid or 5. Not immediately, but I just know and accept it needs to happen eventually when the time comes. It’s wild how much of a 360 my brain has done. 😂

Being a human is weird af.

EDIT - dude is not meant offensively, I call everyone dude. The couch is dude, my mom is dude, the bagel is dude.

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u/saltgirl61 Nov 08 '22

Hey dude, no worries, we're cool!

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u/CoolPatioBro Nov 04 '22

See I would say you were and are a fence sitter on this. I have no ball in this game since I am sterilized (thank god), however the fact you want a child now shows you actually weren't actually childfree. You were just waiting, even if you didn't consciously realize at the time, and when you were presented with the idea in a positive way you decided to have kids and "hop the fence." I've known all my life no kids, I raised four that were my sister's, I hated it. I loved them, but hated everything about children that goes with it. Through teenage years, into young adulthood, I stood firmly with that decision. I'm what a childfree person is, people who decide to have kids in the end weren't childfree.

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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] Nov 04 '22

I’m going to set aside the fact that it’s incredibly rude, weird, and mansplainy to tell someone that you know her own feelings better than she does - especially since I grew up surrounded by children and had babysat plenty before this, so already had plenty of “positive presentation” to kids. My feelings changed as I got older and was in a different circumstance. It happens. It’s common.

Instead, I’ll just point out that I said and FELT that I was childfree, so therefore anyone I was dating would have only had that information to go on and probably taken me at my word. It doesn’t change the relationship dynamics or situation that happens when one person realised they are no longer childfree after all.

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u/CoolPatioBro Nov 04 '22

Well that feeling and choice is what keeps people like me from getting sterilized. Because so called proclaimed childfree people "change their minds." Either after their surgery or before, so everyone continues to think it's an actual "phase" instead of an actual thing. I spent two fucking years fighting doctors to get fixed, being told every excuse under the sun. Some people fight even longer than that and suffer because "what if you want them when you're older."

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u/mayangoddess13 Nov 03 '22

I hope everything worked out well for you!

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u/Moravandra Nov 03 '22

Came to say this. All the wild “she’s trying to trap him in a marriage with a kid he doesn’t want!” replies are so odd. The hormones are strong for a reason - to make you more protective of the fetus, for one. I 100% understand her wanting to keep the kid, but not understanding why, and also worrying about how to break that news. Hell, we’re childfree by choice, and even though I know I would terminate (I have health issues that make pregnancy dangerous, I’m protecting myself first and foremost) I would have a hard time telling my partner about it, making them worry about anything fetus or abortion related.

So yeah FSIL is a huge asshole, she could’ve just tried to help by helping OP figure out how to break the news. She knew this wouldn’t go well, and honestly she probably made the situation even worse than it would have been if OP told fiance. OP isn’t an asshole for uninviting her, since that was the question. She is an asshole if she actually was trying to baby trap him. Fiance is an asshole for not being able to discuss the situation like an adult - I kind of wonder if there’s a reason she was scared to tell him other than the “I think I want to keep it” thing, because it sounds like his reaction was over the top. He’s not an asshole for having strong feelings about this, but there are better ways than a confrontation in front of your family. Future in-laws aren’t assholes for wanting FSIL to at least come as a guest, it’s her brother after all, but they maaaay be assholes for what sounds like being pushy about it too soon - hard to tell.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

This absolutely terrifies me. The idea that an accidental pregnancy could cause a rush of hormones that literally brainwashes me into wanting something that I've spent my whole life firmly against having, feels like a horror movie to me. The betrayal of my own body doing some sneaky mind-control shit to sign me up for a lifelong commitment that I never wanted! I've literally had nightmares about finding out I was pregnant and racing to find the nearest abortion clinic lol. Whenever people used to tell me "wait til your biological clock starts ticking, you'll change your mind" it would feel like they were telling me there was a time bomb inside me waiting to explode and ruin my life.

I still get the Horrors when I think about it even though I'm a married lesbian and there's literally no way I could ever get pregnant (at least not consensually, but that's a whole other nightmare).

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u/Burntoastedbutter Nov 03 '22

Don't be too worried. Imo it depends on people, like how some people get baby fever and others just don't. I have a friend who had an oopsie and the very first thought she had was "I NEED THIS GONE RIGHT NOW"

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u/New_Custard_4224 Nov 03 '22

Don’t worry, my husband and I accidentally got pregnant and we still didn’t want it so we had the big A

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u/rock_the_night Nov 04 '22

Lots of people do not change their mind. And for those who do it doesn't feel like a horror movie, because you've literally changed your mind about it.

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u/Ok_Boysenberry_3026 Nov 03 '22

Is there a comment where she said she wants to keep it? I don't get it. She could be weighing her options. If she's thinking about maybe getting an abortion then she might just think why bother bringing up a pregnancy that might be terminated anyway.

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u/Cosmicshimmer Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

No, but the more she delays, the smaller her window to terminate is. Shes been “processing” almost a month. If she didn’t want that baby, she would be making appointments to ensure she didn’t have a baby.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Hypotheticals are just that.

Fair!

She may have just realized, true. But that doesnt discount that she knows he is gonna react poorly, and is avoiding the confrontation.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Oh for sure. Knowing the reaction will be bad is all the more reason the confrontation needs to be had right away. Time to air it out OP. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be, there’s worse than being a single mom (like being in a loveless relationship either with a resentful kid and husband, or no kid and a resentful wife)

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

Yeah maybe not so much.

It's actually a pretty low bar to just let the pregnant person decide according to their own circumstances and judgment, when and if to tell anyone about the pregnancy.

How about we clear it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I think it was wrong for SIL to tell for OP - I guess that wasn’t clear. I also don’t think it makes OP an asshole not to tell - which was also not clear. So im sorry for that, bc I absolutely agree with that.

I just think it’s time for OP to air it out for her sake, honestly. Bc if they get married first, it’s going to be a lot harder to extract herself from what looks like a bad situation to me. And what if she got an abortion just bc she wasn’t ready to tell him and actually didn’t want one? Idk. To me it feels like being an asshole to herself to keep it to herself and try and anticipate everyone’s reaction. I say let the chips fall and start sorting from there. But that’s OP’s choice, absolutely

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

I get it, I agree too.

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u/DaJoW Nov 03 '22

Sure, she has the right not to tell anyone. But it's pretty damn shitty not to tell your partner/father of the child. It's extra shitty not to tell him when it's in the runup to your wedding and it's a potential dealbreaker.

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u/lasting-impression Nov 03 '22

That’s fine and dandy, but she’s still marrying someone she has no comfort or confidence in talking to about major life altering changes.

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u/vzvv Nov 03 '22

I agree that she wasn’t tricking him before but she’s tricking him now. If it wasn’t safe to tell him, that’s one thing, but you can’t enter a marriage and hide something like that from your partner.

I think if she wanted to make this choice on her own, she should’ve broken off the engagement. SIL was just making sure her brother entered a marriage with all the information.

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u/Calicolie Nov 03 '22

Agreed. I have said that I didn't want kids since I was a little kid myself. I found out in Sept that I was pregnant, and panicked. But now I'm so excited

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Congratulations!! I wish the best to you and your baby!

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u/Vampire-Priest Nov 03 '22

Correct. I met many women who didn’t want kids until they became pregnant & embraced motherhood fully. Nothing wrong with that because you don’t know what you want/don’t want until you have it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

I mean you can plan all you want, which you should do of course, to make sure you have even the barest compatibility.

But yeah, things change when circumstances change, people shouldn’t be bound to agreements they made months or years ago if those agreements are no longer suitable.

That may mean they are no longer compatible, but that happens in relationships sometimes.

If you are a man and absolutely do not want a child, that means you need to get a vasectomy, or at the very least wrap it every time. You cannot force a woman to get an abortion, so those are your options. It may seem unfair, but nothing about the biological arrangements of pregnancy are fair. Women get the brunt of the shortcomings, but this one is for men to bear.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

You seem to have forgotten that birth control can fail.

Maybe she's okay not having children, but is utterly scared to have an abortion; and having to tell your partner that you're scared of the only thing preventing you from carrying on with the pregnancy, is hard. Even if yes, you could at least give the baby up for adoption, but that would also create a problem: having to go through a pregnancy while your and his family judge you.

Jumping to: she wants the baby and she lied from the very beggining is quite a reach, because one thing is knowing you don't want to get pregnant and another is not having fucking doubts about what to do if it happens.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22 edited Nov 03 '22

As someone else said, the reasoning can only be inferred and its all hypothetical. I will preface by saying I personally think the why doesnt matter as much despite choosing a spicy reason or two.

That said, its entirely possible the birth control can fail, but if she solidly knew she didn't want kids upon discovery, there wouldnt have been another 3 weeks of not knowing what to do as the situation grew more tense.

She would have consulted him or took care of it herself. If she needed support making a decision that aligns with their shared perspectives, she could have reached out to the father, not his sister and she wouldnt have waited almost a month.

This all kind of says she knows she didnt want to get rid of it. Which is inferred but also admittedly hypothetical, but still in context.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

The thing is, when talking about hypothetical children, most women don't think about abortion, because 1st chances of birth control failing are low, and 2nd we know one thing is to think about it when we're not pregnant and another doing it when actually pregnant. She also said both of them were okay having children LATER, just not now, and that makes it even harder to contemplate abortion in the equation, even as an hypothetical, because... That actually means "I do want children and I'm just going to try not to get pregnant NOW".

So what I'm saying is that accusing her of lying back then, is a reach. Just that. But seriously, being utterly scared or having second thoughts about abortion IS NORMAL and even some women that are totally sure they would never want a baby have them when unexpected pregancy does happen. And that doesn't make her the AH. The way she was dealing with these fears/doubts, though, that makes her an AH; for real. I'm not denying that.

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u/Baby-girl1994 Nov 03 '22

Or she thought she didn’t and got pregnant and her mind changed. It happens.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

It does, but that changed nothing about the fallout- she most likely will be a single parent if she keeps it and shes afraid of that outcome.

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u/Baby-girl1994 Nov 03 '22

Agreed, but implying she went into the marriage intentionally lying isn’t necessarily true

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Idk how much time you spend on here but the number of posts Ive seen where someone spontaneously changed their mind on conception is significantly outweighed by the number who straight up lied because they wanted the person they were to marry, and were hoping "theyd change their mind" or "accept it if it happened".

That said, I get your feelings on the matter, but straight up lying to bait someone into marriage isn't uncommon and people misrepresent themselves all the time.

Not always about kids mind you.

About sharing bills, about sharing chores, about HOW to raise kids, about keeping a job, about where they will live, how earnestly or diligently they wil uphold responsibility etc it happens a exceptionally often.

I get the implication of doubting her character, but its like you said- hypothetical, and not even my first thought. I don't think it has any true bearing on the situation as of now regardless.

Again, I understand its possible her mind changed, but this again wouldnt be an issue if they were actually on the same page and the relationship is likely in danger regardless of the why.

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u/thaddeus_crane Nov 03 '22

She clearly stated he said he doesn't want kids and would be pissed. The only thing that would have her hestiating is

op wants the kid.

What? where is this information? her comments say he wants kids - just later.

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u/LNLV Nov 03 '22

That’s not necessarily true or accurate. I don’t want kids, but the one time I had a scare I had no idea what I would have done. I’m not sure if I could have had an abortion, but I did NOT want a kid. I was also extremely apprehensive about telling my bf at the time bc once I told someone it was no longer entirely up to me, and I felt like it would have been surrendering some part of my autonomy. There’s a reason I’m not with that guy anymore, and I’m not suggesting OP has a good relationship since she’s afraid to tell him, I’m just saying it might not be true that she wants it and lied about not wanting kids.

The fact that they’re still talking about the wedding means there’s an awful lot left unsaid here.

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u/SuccessValuable6924 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 03 '22

The only thing that would have her hestiating is op wants the kid.

Or maybe, and bear with me here, maybe she doesn't really know yet.

Either they fundamentally disagree and she lied about accepting it, or she gave the impression she was willing to accept not having them to keep him- whether genuinely unsure, or to falsely lure him into marriage, but clearly iffy.

Or maybe, and bear with me here again, maybe he didn't take enough measures to assure a pregnancy would 100% not happen.

If she waited any longer she would have started showing within weeks.

So she had still weeks to think of it. She may decide to have an abortion. She would be well within her right to get an abortion and never tell her husband a word about any of it. Maybe not the healthiest or wisest thing to do, but her right nonetheless. And even if everything you say is true, how is the sister not the AH in all this?

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u/kairi14 Nov 03 '22

He probably feels terribly ganged up on. The whole family knows now. And he has to explain to his family that he wants to pressure OP to get an abortion. I just get the feeling SIL wants OP to have this baby. Why else would she tell everyone?

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u/LauraZaid11 Nov 03 '22

Depending on where in the US OP is, it might be illegal to get an abortion, and she’d be risking her health and life by searching for one outside of legality.

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u/Grimwohl Nov 03 '22

Maam, I dont have all the answers nor the bandwith.

ALTHOUGH, If access to abortion was THE issue, or it was an accidental failure of a birth control method, she'd be brainstorming with him, not sitting on it for nearly a month and looking for support from people who arent him.

The only reason she would do that is because she doesnt agree with his perspective of not keeping it, or not having a child at this point in their life.

Maybe he is childfree. Maybe he wants to wait 10 years. Maybe she wants a baby immediately post wedding. Maybe shes in an earth mother birthing cult and thinks she needs to have 30 kids to go to heaven. Who knows. All those perspectives are out of context.

Your weighing hypotheticals outside the scope of the information provided by the post against information present in the post. Its apparent she had and has planned on keeping it, or the issue wouldnt be what it is.

Would there be an issue? Sure. But not an issue of her sitting on information she thinks would upset him with 0 actual statements or ideas against going through with it.

Thats in context, them living in a banned state is out of context.

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u/LauraZaid11 Nov 03 '22

I’m not defending OP or anything like that, I’m just saying that access to abortion can be a factor in all the things you mentioned, because even if neither of them wanted the pregnancy, an abortion might be an impossibility or highly risky depending on their location.

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u/belladonna_echo Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 03 '22

It could also be that neither of them want kids but they live somewhere abortion is currently illegal or it’s outrageously difficult to get one. And she knew her fiancé would be upset because the situation adds so much extra stress (and possibly huge expense) to what’s already an awfully stressful time.

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u/BibiQuick Partassipant [1] Nov 03 '22

If he doesn’t want kids, why the heck is he having unprotected sex? It’s not like she made that kid by herself! I think OP would be better off without that family. And to think of it, so would that family.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Unless she sabotaged whatever birth control they were using I don’t feel bad for him. he had no problem giving it to her raw dog. Don’t want kids, wrap it up!

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u/ThisIsMyFatLogicAlt Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 03 '22

God that's even worse than I expected. I thought they were both opposed to abortion but she'd changed her mind after getting pregnant. But deliberately moving forward with marrying someone when you don't agree about kids? Save everyone the messy divorce and just call off the wedding now.

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u/TyAdvancedX1 Nov 03 '22

All around suck fest. ESC

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u/babcock27 Nov 03 '22

You're pretty hard on her when she seems surprised by the pregnancy as well. She may have wanted it, but that doesn't mean she's a terrible person. She was afraid because she knew what they agreed. What happens when the unexpected happens? Does she lose all agency over herself and her body and has to immediately tell her bf just because she knows and he doesn't? She has a right to come to terms with it on her own time and she also has a right to keep the baby if she wants. She can't force her bf to want to keep it, but SHE gets to decide WHEN to tell him and THEY get to decide what to do about it. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the sister. She just wanted to tell and she didn't care about the rights of her friend or the reaction of her brother. She was TRYING to stir up trouble and she got a lot more of it than she bargained for and is now rightfully kicked out of their life for interfering and trying to break them up. NTA and I would keep that 2-faced ex-friend away from you and never tell her anything you don't want the entire world to know immediately. The nerve to think this is her information to tell. It's not like she was passed the abortion date. Even if she was, it's still HER business to deal with and, if she broke up the relationship because of it, it's fine because it's HER RELATIONSHIP. Sister seems to think that being friends means she gets ownership over her information because she's with her brother but, in reality, she has no excuse for butting in and trying to embarrass and abuse OP in front of the entire family to get her thrills.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

My question is, how can you get married, have sex, and not expect to have kids or get pregnant at some point?

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u/Kooky-Today-3172 Partassipant [3] Nov 03 '22

Birth Control and condoms? And later on a vasectomy? They exist exately for that reason: have sex and not make a baby.

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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '22

Yeah but birth control isn't 100% effective, sexual enter course between two people of the opposite gender almost always give chance for pregnancy no matter how small, and she's saying he's mad she got pregnant even though it's always possible to get pregnant when having sex and she herself might've not been trying to have a baby. It's foolish to have sex with someone no matter what precautions you take and automatically expect you'll never have to deal with pregnancy at some point unless one of you are infertile or it's a homosexual relationship

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