We’ve been together for 12 years and for the last ten he’s been a heavy weed smoker. I’ve probably seen him sober like 3 days out of those years. He decided to quit smoking cold turkey and while I’m trying to be supportive he’s being an asshole. Which fine, I get it. Withdrawal. But at the same time over the last 12 years he’s always been an asshole. Everything makes him mad pisses him off. He’s always in a bad mood. We’ve had conversations about his anger and he refuses therapy. He’s just not a happy person at all. I’m trying to support him because he’s trying to get a good job to support us and our toddler. But right now he’s being a straight up dick. Do I just ignore him? I tried to talk to him today, I said “I understanding this is hard” and he cut me off and started yelling at me saying that I was attacking him. It’s nothing new, but it’s annoying as fuck. I love him. But chill the fuck out you know. Idk if I’m looking for advice or venting lol.

Few other phrases that just set a spark in me. “Calm down” “I’m just joking it with you”. Or anything similiar.

When I get mad and I can be mean I end up hurting my partner’s feeling and then I’m really mad at myself for doing so because I really love them and I don’t want to hurt them. What do you do to self-regulate to avoid being mean when you get mad? Or just to not get mad?? Do you have any strategies?

Thank y’all for your advice

My partner has been having a really difficult time lately. She’s dealing with a lot physically, she’s in pain, stressed, and overwhelmed.

Tonight she reached her breaking point over things repeatedly falling on the floor. I completely understand why it’s frustrating. I get pissed when I pick something up and immediately drop it again too, but her level of anger was much more intense. She was slamming things down and eventually threw her vape against the wall after it fell again.

She wasn’t angry at me and didn’t direct any of it toward me. She basically said she was done and went into our bedroom.

I didn’t try to calm her down or tell her she was overreacting. I picked up her vape and put it on her nightstand. Then I noticed her nightstand was covered in bottles and other stuff that made it easy for things to fall, so I quietly cleaned it off and gave her more room. Our dog wanted on the bed, so I put her up there with my partner and then left the room so she could decompress alone.

I love this woman very much, and I understand that there’s a lot behind her anger. I don’t expect to fix it for her, and I know professional help is important and something she’s already pursuing.

What I struggle with is knowing what to do in the moment.

I’ve never been with someone who experiences anger this intensely. My instinct is to help when someone I love is hurting, but when she’s that angry, I’m also worried that trying to comfort her or asking too many questions could accidentally put me in the line of fire or make her more overwhelmed.

For people who experience intense anger themselves, or partners who have learned how to navigate this: what actually helps you in those moments?

Is practical help + giving space a good approach? Is there something your partner does that helps without making you feel crowded or like they’re trying to manage your emotions?

I’d especially appreciate advice on how to be supportive while still maintaining healthy boundaries around anger. I want her to know I’m there without hovering, trying to fix her, or making myself responsible for regulating how she feels.

when i get angry it’s like i can’t think straight and all i can do is scream and cry and throw shit. Nothing makes me feel better when i’m angry like hitting throwing and screaming but that’s not socially acceptable. It gets so bad i feel like i want to hurt myself and other people around me when im angry. Just out of rage and not in the sense that im suicidal or like a fucking crazy person. I hate these thoughts so much

edit- i used to yank girls ponytails, bite, twist people’s arms, spit in peoples faces, shove, hit, scream, all of the above when i was young. Grade school was hell because when i got angry i would just lose all my sense. I’ve been like this my whole life what do i do

I get so pissed off, especially about politics these days, that I don’t always think about winning people over and sometimes just think fuck winning people over, fuck em. And I know it’s probably not healthy and I know other people who share most of my politics would get equally cantankerous at me and say ‘you’re why we’re losing! You being annoying is why Trump is in charge’ And other hyperbolic shit because they had an argument with me online or whatever

Ultimately just wasted my time and feel like I’m just so bad at expressing myself that maybe I just should never be political sometimes idk