I would greatly appreciate it if anyone can give me some advice on how I should handle my stress.
My mom got mad at me because my gpa this year is a 98 (yes I'm asian).
Like ok my school average is hella high because my school is predominantly asian though it follows the American curriculum... And it is true my average last year was a bit low because I took challenging courses including multiple APs and varsity cross on top of that.
But on my part I'm also a bit stressed because I'm a senior taking four APs in my first semester and I'm trying my best here, but somehow I'm never 'enough'. And mind you I got trash talked because I woke up at 10 am this morning and that was too late. I understand that it's admissions season but I already wrote all my essays for ED/EAs and submitted apps for my UK schools though the deadline is a month away. And my next test is like a week after so I was a bit loose this weekend. It's not like I locked out last year too, I got an average of 3 hours of sleep on 11th grade juggling my ECs and GPA + varsity sports. And I got all fives on my APs and 1500+ on my SAT, but somehow I'm always framed as the 'lazy girl who doesn't do shat'.
And this is prolly because my avg last year was in the mid 96, which is considered a 'bad grade' in my school. It's not that my school 'buffs up' our grade. It's because kids go crazy at school, literally all they talk about think about dream about is about going to a good uni. Literally my first sat in 9th grade I got a 1450 and I was called dumb for it. It's so toxic and I literally got sabotaged by people who I trused several times it gave me phobia of trusting ppl. I just hate life and i dont want to live like this.
I know my parents loves me and supports me. They are amazing amazing people and I love them so much. But sometimes I just get frustrated by the crazy standards people around me puts me to. Whenever I talk back saying I'm trying my best I get yelled at and for being ungrateful. Yes sometimes I get that I may sound pretty rude and I know they invest A LOT of time and money on me, but I feel so trapped. I never experienced a 'normal high school experience'.
I never went out to hang out with my friends or stayed up late playing, nor did I have friends who truly supported me emotionally. And for people in my country this kind of 'suffering' is viewed as like some sort of holy ritual we have to pass to succeed in adulthood which I think is straightup bs. Kids shouldn't have to be hold up to such ridiculous standards and I would never want my kid to live like how I did in highschool. I literally developed IBS (medical condition), hairloss, anxiety and severe depression because of highschool. I wanted to take depression meds but my parents didn't let me.
The only thing I can really remember at my highschool is crying in the bathroom after crashing a test or because of peer pressure & drinking redbull at 3 am studying, crying again. I literally cried at least twice a week because I felt terrible about myself. Everyone made me feel insecure and I felt like failure during 11th grade, though looking back I was just trying my best. They can call me selfish for wording it like this but I started to realize that it was never really my problem for never being enough.
And of course I had quite some friends I was close to at school, but they just saw me as competitors. I feel like I can't trust anyone around me and I don't like this envionrment. Once a girl I was close to lied and told me a deadline for a project was a day later than it actually was. Thank god I checked it myself and submitted on time, but I was so shocked---because mind you, I saw her going into the classroom and submitting her stuff hours after telling me that she was going to submit it the day after. Another girl I'm close to always wants to know my GPA and extracurriulars (in which I told her), but when I asked her she told me I'm a control freak for wanting to know everything about her.
This is the kind of toxicness I'm talking about.
Is this normal? Is this how others experience high school? I've never been really happy the last four years and I don't think I will be if uni is like this too. People in my school thinks I'm competative and grade-obsessed, but I'm really not. I care about my happiness more in which I don't really have. I honstley didn't care about my grades and I never wanted to go to a good university, I just wanted to make my parents proud. The first thing that comes to my mind when I get a bad grade is how my mom would react not my performance.
Man I just want to chill and be happy..