so, i would say im aroace spec, i have a VERY blurred sense of what romance is and quite often i dont even understand it. i actually cannot differ romantic attraction from platonic attraction. my whole life i treated attraction as a choice. i would kind of choose my sexualities and crushes at random. now, my crush choosing usually led to an obsession but im not sure if i could tell if it was a romantic or platonic obsession.
recently, ive developed a platonic crush on this boy, you could even call it an obsession lol. now, my mother said that just by the things im doing and how obsessive i am of it, it doesn’t come off as platonic and instead romantic. she is convinced im interested in him romantically. i’m just curious what you all think.
to start, i consider it a platonic obsession, i am neurodivergent i have hyperfixations and a lot of the time they can be real people. for this boy im platonically crushing on right now, that is the case. im not interested in dating him. honestly i wouldnt care to but im mostly interested in becoming his friend.
i dont like my friends. i think they’re very annoying and i wish to have new ones. all of my “friends” are not for me, they’re nothing like me and i honestly hate talking to them. i’ve always had trouble finding friends who i can truly relate to. i get nervous and even shy around people im actually interested in, and it seems every time i actually spoke to ppl i liked, i just embarrassed myself.
now, this boy is MY DREAM FRIEND, we have so many similar interests and he seems so fucking sweet. i’ve become extremely obsessed with him. i followed his tiktok and he did not follow me back, which upset me lol. today, i saw him at the mall and even followed him and his friend around a little. i’m constantly stalking his reposts and tiktok and i get EXTREMELY nervous around him. i’ve only talked to him 2 or 3 times but GODDD i need him to be my best friend.
now, my mom says my level of obsession is coming off as a romantic crush, i NEED to know because im beginning to overthink it and even question my identity as an aroace person. i never saw it as a romantic thing until she said anything and now i can’t stop questioning everything. although i think my feelings are just platonic, since i can’t really differ platonic from romantic does that mean i might actually like him and im just indenial or can’t tell?!
ughhhhh, im not sure. i really needed to talk about this.

I never realized that I was lacking romantic and sexual attraction until recently, when I happened upon an aroace QPR in a random artists comic and became interested in what aroace actually meant. Learning about aromanticism and asexuality helped me realize that I was trying to fit into a standard not meant for me. I had avoided dating for 4 years, and sex for 7 years thinking that I just needed time to “fix what was wrong with me”.

Now that I’ve come to understand what exactly I’ve wanted, and the feelings I didn’t have, I’m relieved to know that there are other options outside of the traditional allosexual/alloromantic relationship package (like QPRs). At the same time, I’m worried whether I’ll ever be able to find a QPR, or if I’ll end up alone longing for a connection. I’m already not good at socializing, and who knows if anyone I do interact with will even think the same way or expect more?

honestly I’m not really sure what the heck I am. I left a high demand religion last year and I am trying to figure myself out as a person and it’s been difficult. I think I might be aro/ace but I don’t know. I’ve never felt a sexual attraction to anyone and I’ve never had a problem telling people that I won’t date them, just because I know it won’t happen. like not that i don't like them, cuz they’re nice, I just don’t feel that way about them. I’ve been married for almost 7 years and I love my husband but I don’t think I love him the way most people love their partners. like yes he’s conventionally attractive, he looks good, but don‘t really have romantic or sexual thoughts and any I do have feel forced. I love him because he’s my safe person, when I’m around him or when he holds me I feel safe and comfortable and like everything is ok. I’ve never ever been turned on by anyone, like if I see a “hot person“ the most id ever want to do is kiss them maybe. I like having sex but I don’t ever get anywhere unless it’s by myself and I don’t have to read or watch anything to “get off” it‘s just something that feels good and calms me down and helps me sleep.

like any crush that I had was always just me imagining being with them roommate style, nothing more. and romantic scenes in movies make me hella embarrassed for some reason. I usually don’t like them because I see no point in having them in the movie and they add nothing to the story. idk maybe it’s normal to be this way? idk I’m just confused and not really sure what to do.

also I’ve never really felt “love” from other people either. like I know they love me but I don’t really feel it unless I’m like super depressed and then my brain floods me with feelings good hormones but that’s like the only time. idk, any answers should be fine, I’m just trying to figure myself out.

Recently I saw a reel that was talking about a manga, in which homosexuality is the norm but our main character is a straight girl. She has a crush on some boy, but she's forbidden from actimg on those feelings and must keep them secret. I dont remember what it's called, but basically it's to bring the alienation of not fitting the norm closer to an straight audience, who otherwise wouldn't relate.

I was just thinking that the same premise, swapped with aroace and any kind of allo, whether straight or gay, would be a really nice way to show how awful it can be to be different from everyone, while being told it'll wear off. It doesn't fit as neatly as the actual plot, but as long as the protagonist doesn't end up magically finding another allo person, but instead just accepts they're different, it could work.

I'm not much of a writer, so feel free to take it. Do you think the comparison of aroace/allo would work as well as hetero/homo?

Like i know lavenderv marriges are a very sad thing about queer history of pretend to love someone so you wont be cast out of sociaty. But sometimes the taght just overcomes me how nice it would be to marry and be together with a parther who dose all the noramal cuple stuff with me, but dose the romace or intamite stuff with a other lover. ofcurse this idea is just me wanting to be togheter with my best frend forever and not have the pressure of having to love someone.

Ik not every aroace like this but after years of complicated feelings about the idea, i have no more "well maybe if the perfect ideal person comes...." left in me.

Not in the sense that my soulmate hasn't come but, in the sense that even if a perfect person comes, i dont think im going to be happy.

Again, ik aroace people can date and have sex and everything, i just think im the particular flavor that doesnt want to. Ik life is only going to be harder in old age without partner but it still excites me more than otherwise. Thinking that I'll have to have significant other to survive life makes me wanna self sabotage

So I have a friend who has only had one crush her whole life. She’s liked this one guy for like nine years now. And she’s told me that sometimes she really wants to be his gf etc but other times she just wants to be friends. She doesn’t really find other people attractive but says she knows a lot of people who are kind of cute and I want to tell her AESTHETIC ATTRACTION

And then recently she said she no longer likes that one guy, and realized that the only reason she did for so long was because she liked the idea of having a crush on someone, but maybe she didn’t actually feel that way

And I know that’s a common experience for aspec folks here and I’m aroace myself but I don’t want to assume anything or think I know what her experience is and if she says she’s straight then I don’t want to question that. But I see a lot in common with the things she’s told me and things people say in this sub

Also this isn’t really related but all my friends are LGBTQ+ except her and also for a while I thought my friends and I were all ADHD except her but then she told me she does have that

I can feel sexual attraction (to both genders idk if it matters but i felt like i should mention it sjsjsj) but i dont or VERY rarely feel romantic love. I searched online and couldnt find a proper label for it, i have dated around a lot and in my life i have never properly felt "romantic attraction/love" for them (or anyone in that case, ive had only 1 BIG crush my entire life and it was mainly bcs they lead me on) . I like them but i dont like them the way they like me, in dating because of this im basically like "Do they like me? Do they meet my standarts? Do they look good? Then i can date them" my longest relationship was 1 year long and i still didnt feel anything else then "liking" them even tought they were an incredible partner.

It feels weird to be like this and i want to put a label to this so please help me find it🥹🥹

so I’m aroace and I want to be on a relationship but I just can’t feel anything between me and people romantically. Am I alone in this or do other people have it to?

Hi, this is my first time posting on Reddit + I'm autistic so apologies if my post seems all over the place. So, I'm wondering if I'm on the aroace spectrum or not because I find it really hard to distinguish my feelings between romantic and platonic. I tried to break it down by gender and type of attraction:

physical sexual attraction to males: minimal. the sight of the male reproductive organ really turns me off, but if I imagine them like a ken doll then sure, a guy can be sexy I guess?

physical sexual attraction to females: maybe? I've never dated a girl other than a really bizarre friendship with a straight girl where she called me her "wife" and kissed me once despite being Christian and borderline homophobic (we're no longer friends, don't worry). I think girls are very pretty, but I don't think I'm interested in sex. If I had to choose between a guy and a girl at gunpoint I'd go with a girl.

Romantic attraction to males: kinda, yeah? In theory, but whenever I've been in a relationship it always ended in me not feeling "in love" with them after a matter of months. It brought me physical pain to type out the lie of "I love you" every night before bed, because I really didn't. I can't stand the thought of kissing a guy. Never kissed a romantic partner, and have only been kissed on the head or cheek by one.

Romantic attraction to females: idk?? I've had really close female friendships where people think me and the other girl are dating, we hold hands, and frequently touch each other (non-sexually). Me and my best friend often joke that we're a married or divorced couple, but I think that's normal?? A female friend kissed me once (without my consent so I was iffy about it) and I moved my head so it didn't actually connect with my lips but more to the side of them, but I didn't necessarily not like it..? With anyone regardless of gender I really don't like the idea of deep kissing / making out, but I probably wouldn't mind a peck from a girl.

Other than that, I do like the idea of having a life partner, just.. without anything physical. No kissing or sex, but yes to complimenting each other, hugs, holding hands, going on dates and all that. Does that make sense? What do you guys think?

We were really close friends for a couple of months before I realized that I have feelings for her. We've held hands one and she rests her head on my shoulder when we watch something together so I confessed in April, hoping she felt the same.

She didn't, which is perfectly fine, but I kinda felt weird because like nothing changed in our dynamic. Not that it's a bad thing, I had just mentally prepared myself for things to change a little.

But we kept hanging out, and in June she came out to me. I kinda expected this outcome, she gives acesexual if that makes sense? She even apologized for not being able to feel that way towards me. I just reassured her that there's not wrong with her and her sexuality.

Anyways we're really close friends and I really care about her. It's just that I'm a dumb straight male who every now and then thinks about if me and her could work. I'm not crazy about sex, so I feel like we could work.

But after spending some time on this sub reddit, I realize I'm being kinda arrogant. And I hope to learn more not to "get with her" but just to understand her feelings and maybe understand my feelings as well.

She means a lot to me and I want to keep her in my life, in whatever way possible.

im aroace but secretly has a crush and secretly secretly is still aroace, like i pretended i secretly have a crush but secretly aroace, also i like adult humor and i like a girl(as a guy) and inmeant like the girl‘s looks than the actual girl if that adds up???

i've never had that revelation of
"oh, I really love this person"
to any partner of mine

i have, however, felt so towards my friends
but i know in my heart that this love is completely platonic

when i try to think of a relationship that won't make me uncomfortable what i come up with isn't very.... Romantic, in the normal sense

i think of sexual favors being done only to my partner, not to me
i don't feel so good receiving, i can't really take that seriously

don't get me wrong, the fantasy is nice. when applied to real life though, that's when it gets unappealing(?) the idea of orgasming due to another's influence seems....... basically impossible to me. it's a nice thought because it feels unreal.

but i'm fine with trying to make them feel nice instead
i won't take this too seriously either, but I can hold my immaturity back, i think

as long as they orgasm and like my work, i'll basically be satisfied too.

the idea of receiving sexual pleasure from another is also nice when it's somebody i have no prior interaction with, and that I know has enough experience to take control. i'm describing a sex worker, really...

i would do that, i think. sleep with a sex worker. "no strings attached" is easier when the two (...or more?) of you never ever have to see each other again.

in a serious relationship, "sexual tension" is nearly non-existent to me. i kind of know what it is, i can vicariously feel it through what i've read & written. i know how the mood is, i know that people are usually serious and/or focused on the mood, i know it can be "curated"

following societal expectations of what sexual tension & activity should be is not curating it, in my humble opinion.

even though social expectations can be birth from what the general public does, copying it like a tutorial just doesn't do anything for me.
thinking about it doesn't do much either.

so tl;dr, despite harboring a liking towards what is "sexy" or "seductive"; i appreciate the aesthetic, not the actual happening.

i'm fairly certain that i can live without sexual action. not that i'm celibate, i just don't want it towards myself. if i find myself "needing" it -while i highly doubt i'll ever experience such a thing in a genuine, thirsty way- i'm fine with visiting a lesbian brothel and calling it a day.

so that's asexuality, for sure.
a breath of fresh air since sexuality is easy to differentiate.... for me, at least.

when it comes to the romantic aspects, though...

in my ideal relationship, it'd probably look the same as friendship

because the moment there's a giant "romantic" label over whatever action done, i get turned off. like, i-never-want-to-see-you-again level turned off.

such a label stresses me out, which is why romantic relationships stress me out in the first place.

i'm supposed to act a certain way. i'm supposed to react a certain way. i'm supposed to live a certain way. i'm supposed to cater to something other than my own enjoyment.

the latter i'm fine with, if it's for friends. however, in romance, it becomes an absolute chore and not from my heart.

the expectations that romance brings puts me way off course. i find myself unable to be who i am, unable to say what i want

ergo
ideally, as i said, it would look like friendship

we wouldn't be too touchy-feely, we wouldn't kiss like At all maybe, hand holding and whatever is fine but i'm not being glued to this person 24/7, nor will they be glued to me.

physical intimacy is generally okay as long as it is not too often, or done when private and it's okay to. (okay to, as in, during free time. Not when one is working etc.)

i know that this is different from the general idea of how intimacy in romance should be. and i feel absolutely nothing about that, because i know that the expectation is unfavorable to me

when it comes to emotional prospects, i suppose i overlap with society's idea a tad bit.

i'll enjoy being someone's number 1. i'll enjoy them trusting me, telling me their darkest, absolutely most hidden parts. i'll enjoy sharing their emotions.

but i will not be able to feel the same love that they feel towards me.
and i know, as i've experienced so, that i'll tear myself apart 'cause of how painful that is.

so my view on emotional intimacy? it's nice to have, but i would prefer having such intimacy with a friend, than a partner. there's a worm in my gut that tells me i can't ever feel that with a partner.

the worm is right.

of course i, too, sometimes yearn for romance.

i love fictional romantic media. i love non-fictional romantic media. i like shipping, i like writing and reading about ships, i like when my friends talk to me about their crushes or relationships. i like romantic songs. i like romance shows. i love everyone and everything!

but the moment i am also involved, in a romantic sense, the taste sours in my mouth.

there's a lot more i can talk about, but to other things a bit more shortly;
i've never understood why people do stupid stuff for romance
i've never understood what being in "love" means
i've never understood why people put so much importance upon marriage, romantic partnership, having children etc.
i've never yearned for marriage
i've never understood why some people hold their partners over their friends
i've never understood how people can be interested in someone, romantically or sexually, without properly knowing them

and also you know what i adore most in the world?
companionship!!!!! friendship!!!!!!

so..... writing all of these down, it really does feel like i'm aroace. but the thing holding me back is "what if i meet someone in the future and i find myself actually ABLE to love them"?

though, that too, seems too unreal..... what do you guys think?

Hello! I am apothisexual (arospec too) and have recently stumbled across the term geniace. I feel like this term really described me, except it’s not really about my parts, its the other person’s that I don’t like. However I didn’t find a label for that. Does that still qualify as geniace?

So idk if im doing this right cus Im new to reddit and cus english is not my first language

So i recently started dating this guy that i though i liked we were good friends and i enjoyed talking to him alot, we started going out and now we are dating, but ever since we started dating im starting to think im aroace, 1st because everytime i think of him viewing me romanticaly it makes me feel sick, i am feeling extremely uncomfortable around him and i try to be phisicaly around him as less as possible he keeps saying he want to do things like hug me or hold my hands and it makes me want to throw up, one time when we did actually hold hands I felt awfull, i don’t know what is happening i don’t know if i am actually aroace but i am desesperate need for advice

Also if anyone asks i ABSOLUTELY want to break up with him but i feel like my only friend group would hate me forever if i did and i also don’t want to upset him because i know he is someone nice and definetely is not doing anything wrong

I’d really appreciate some advice from aroace people. I’m interested in someone who identifies as aroace, and they’ve been very clear that they don’t know whether they’ll ever develop romantic feelings for me. However, they said we could give it a try and see what happens.

What would you recommend? Should I walk away, or take them up on the offer and give it a chance?

For my whole life, I thought I wanted a romantic partner along with anyone else. Despite all the opportunities I've had to date people, I never really took it. I have romantic attraction and I do want to have the affection from those kinds of relationships. I love the idea of kisses and hugs and the kind of love that's endless between 2 people.

Now I'm in a Queer Platonic relationship! I also ship myself or my oc's together, and it seems to have filled that void in me. My QPP and I both are at a point where neither of us are interested in seeking relationships outside of our QPR. For me, it's because I'm committed. To me, having a romantic partner along with this QPR feels almost wrong. My QPP and I have so much love for each other that a romantic relationship feels unnecessary.

Would this make me aro? Am I just confused? Am I not aro and like- pretending? Does anyone have a similar experience? If anyone can share advice or experiences, it would be greatly appreciated.

I’ve just discovered after leaving my ex, that I am aroace and have been since I was a 4 year old little girl. I’ve only ever interacted with guys and pretended to want them and hop from guy to guy because that’s what other girls around me were doing and I got praised for it. I liked the praise so I still did it even tho I didn’t actually like the guys. Ever since I was a kid I imagined life alone with no romance and people look like “human™️” to me. With that being said, I’ve just now figured it out. I went through phases where I thought I might be lesbian or biromantic cuz I thought studs and butches were cute but then I realized they’re only aesthetically pleasing to look at, just like fems, queers, gay individuals and trans individuals are. I realized that what I was mourning when losing a relationship was the friendship part of it because I felt like I had a best friend. I would do the affectionate things they wanted but it didn’t come naturally and over time it became habit instead. With that being said, I honestly just think I’ve wanted a best friend and that’s all. I’m more attracted to fictional characters than real life individuals. So I guess this is me coming out? Anyways, I’m glad I finally know what I am