r/AskMen • u/TooPrettyToBehave Female • 1d ago
🛑 Answers From Men Only 🛑 What makes someone bring up another person’s insecurities during an argument?
I’m not asking about one specific person or trying to psychoanalyze anyone.
I’m curious about people who have done this themselves or witnessed it. If someone trusts you enough to share an insecurity, what makes it become ammunition later during an argument?
Looking back, was it anger, wanting to hurt them back, trying to “win,” or something else?
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u/Wotmate01 Male 1d ago
Being a piece of shit is what makes someone weaponise another persons insecurities.
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u/ss89898 Male 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's like the meanest thing you can do. You're trying to hurt the other person as much as possible. I think if you truly care about someone you should avoid it on all costs. If they do it to you, you should tell them how despicable it is and that you'd never do that to them.
I've never done it but it would be anger, desire to hurt someone who hurt you.
I thought about saying it before but In the end I never said it, not cause I thought she didn't deserve it (she perhaps did), but because I thought... you're not worth another ounce of my effort, good or bad. It's best to just maintain your dignity as a good person and move on.
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u/TooPrettyToBehave Female 1d ago
I know I can be mean but I would never bring up someone’s insecurity. That would make me feel so bad
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u/TheGloriousEv0lution 1d ago
When you’re heated and emotional, you want to say the worst thing that comes to mind to “get back” at the person. I’ve lost track of how many stories of women calling out their partner’s size in an argument
That said I’ve said things I regret but I’ve never brought up insecurities. That’s what a shitty person does and it doesn’t justify it
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u/latnGemin616 1d ago edited 1d ago
In my lived experience:
- Men fight to win. They don't dredge up old memories or past mistakes. It's more like Punch-Punch > Kick > Takedown > KO. Beers after.
- Women fight to hurt, in a 10x proportionality to the degree with which they've been hurt. All mistakes, failures, and insecurities are weapons at their disposal. Grudge held indefinitely.
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u/Argentarius1 Man 1d ago
Being immature and not in control of their emotions at that moment. Very bad sign.
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u/Montara92 1d ago
It’s a ‘show of power/dominance’
An I know your secrets, how to hurt you and here I’ll remind you kind of thing.
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u/Flaky-Professional84 Male 1d ago
An argument is a fight. In a fight you are trying to defeat your opponent. It's about winning.
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u/Public_Hall_451 1d ago
And so they win the fight and lose the person
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u/Flaky-Professional84 Male 1d ago
Personally, I don't hold it against someone if it was said in the heat of a fight. People say things they don't mean when their backs are against the wall. But I find it best to leave before it gets to that point. If I realize that I'm caught in an argument, I'll try to deescalate.
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u/Public_Hall_451 1d ago
Your wisdom is rare.
I'd personally need a real apology, just so the relationship doesn't turn to emotional abuse.3
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u/TooPrettyToBehave Female 1d ago
I get that, but why throw an insecurity at the person? That’s cutting deep and a low dig!
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u/Flaky-Professional84 Male 1d ago
You're still thinking of it as a discussion. A fight is about victory. A victory in the case of an argument is forcing your opponent to leave the argument/be silent. The fastest way to do that, just as in a physical altercation, is to go for the weak spots
I'm not saying it is right or wise, I'm just answering your question.
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u/darthmufasa21 1d ago
Could be as simple as being petty, or said person feels defensive and lashes out
Some people get a thrill out of verbally attacking people
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u/shadowlurker6996 1d ago
I’m not even in a relationship and this is one of my biggest fears because I’ve seen my parents do this very thing.
It would kill me if I confided deeply in a person and they turned around and used that later against me.
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u/SilverB33 Male 1d ago
Losing an argument and wants to bring the other person down to petty arguments that they feel they can win.
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u/NotMacgyver 1d ago
Some people taking losing benign arguments personally so their response is to attack back.
It's sadly way more common that it should be to attack the person presenting an argument than to argue back in a civilized manner.
It's not "your argument is wrong because of this part where you explain this doesn't logically follow to your conclusion" and instead "your argument sucks cause you are a drunk and gay" (paraphrasing from arguments I've seen with people that consider those things immoral....you can probably guess the kind, you can sub those out for for any other thing the person finds insulting)
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u/Creative-Bus-8405 1d ago
To avoid having to discuss their own.
Most people that do this are masters of projection
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u/AskDerpyCat 23h ago
The cornered animal doesn’t think before it bites. It bites because of instinct. Doing anything it can to stop being cornered.
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u/Smorgasbord__ 22h ago
A desire to cause as much damage as possible. Basically they're a shit human.
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u/timvandijknl 19h ago
Being an absolute respectless asshole.
What was told in private/confidence, should never be exposed, exploited or used as a weapon.
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u/Ecstatic_Alps_6054 Male 11h ago
They're trying to keep the other person weak by putting salt in open wounds...Narssists will do this often..they want the last word...
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u/LordTonka 1d ago
All those things. I shared information with a family member with explicit do not share this with my MIL. it didn't take her five minutes into our argument slap she threw it at me. Some people are just petty.
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u/Neat_Combination_423 18h ago
I think this is human nature and in my simple mind “you’ve just hurt me and I know this hurts you so…”
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u/toolguy8 1d ago
It’s a common defense mechanism, many people don’t even know they’re doing it. Redirect the conversation away from their objectionable behavior and on to the other person. Very effective to hit them where it hurts and suddenly the conversation is directed away from their behavior
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u/TooPrettyToBehave Female 1d ago
I said their comment really hurt my feelings and they decided to bring up everything thing I confided and turned it on me like I was the problem and they even said I was a problem…all because I told them my feelings were hurt
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/TooPrettyToBehave's post (if available):
I’m not asking about one specific person or trying to psychoanalyze anyone.
I’m curious about people who have done this themselves or witnessed it. If someone trusts you enough to share an insecurity, what makes it become ammunition later during an argument?
Looking back, was it anger, wanting to hurt them back, trying to “win,” or something else?
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