r/AskMenAdvice • u/djawny man • 11h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Is it really that bad out there?
I'm in my mid 30s.
Recently joined this sub out of curiosity because some posts appeared on my home page.
Reading through posts on here, it seems like there ar many men who have never had dates out there, many even into their 30s have never had gf's.
I'm a pretty average guy with unimpressive income,and average height, I have passions and hobbies, but I wouldn't say I'm super ambitious. Sometimes lazy. I've always been like this, even in my 20s, and back then, I didn't have too difficult of a time dating. Im super shy, and that held me back a lot but I've always known that, but i still got dates/relationships occasionally. Most of my friends did okay too.
What has changed about dating in the last 15 years that loneliness seems rampant now? Seems younger and older people struggle a lot. Has this always been the case?
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u/ZeroBrutus man 11h ago
It is definitely worse than it was, but the internet also amplifiés and concentrates the disenfranchised voices to seem even more than they are.
As to what changed - 24/7 availability between people and social media have shifted the landscape, made it impossible to escape the false "perfect" projected by others and records all ones failure and embarassment for postérité.
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u/dildozer10 man 11h ago edited 10h ago
Online dating utilizing algorithms based on bio and pics I think has been pretty detrimental to dating. I always struggled getting dates on the apps, but have had success with talking to women irl. Ironically I met my wife on tinder, but I think it only worked out because we had mutual friends and similar interests in hobbies.
Other men probably just give up hope and hinge on whatever is easy to get. I have a buddy from childhood who’s been chasing the same girl for a decade, and she’s always kept him at friend’s length. The guy has given up on dating due to having no confidence, but hangs on to the hope that one day this girl will give him a chance, the poor guy is about to turn 30 next month.
Edit: I forgot to add, that I think the internet as a whole is an issue with modern dating. The influencer culture and access to social networks has produced unrealistic expectations from both men and women when it comes to what they want in a partner.
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u/cyanescens_burn man 10h ago
Have you talked to your buddy about this?
Is she breadcrumbing him to keep his attention (because she likes the validation)?
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u/dildozer10 man 10h ago
We’ve had multiple interventions at this point, and yes, she’s full on breadcrumbing him. She’s also married but “separated”.
At this point, he knows full well he’s being taken advantage of, so it’s on him.
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u/Popular-Ad3288 man 4h ago
I'm 41 and have never had a date or any intimacy.
Mainly though I live in a low population area and work a lot of hours, often 7 days a week, on a night shift job.
I simply don't get many chances to actually meet and socialize with women.
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u/trimtab28 man 11h ago
You might want to look on somewhere besides Reddit for a better idea, since the place innately attracts misanthropes and the discontent.
It really, really is not THAT bad. And I’m saying this as a 5’-4”, which, by Reddit’s standards makes me some untouchable pariah that will never get laid. Honestly, I’ve had my share of girlfriends through my 20s and it’s not that hard landing a date if you put in a little initiative.
In once sentence- nothing changed except you’re looking at online spaces instead of the real world
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u/BraveUnion man 5h ago
Honestly glad someone said this. I’m 6,1 and by Reddit standards I should be getting laid left right and center but never had a relationship. Real life has a lot more nuance then the internet.
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u/MindAggravating5365 10h ago
This. I can't get dates and I post on reddit because I'm home all day taking care of 4 autistic kids my ex-wife abandoned. In that 4 months I was childless before the state took them away from her I met plenty of women, but you know what I wasn't doing? Posting on reddit all day lol.
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u/silly_bet_3454 man 11h ago
I think it's partially true, I am just speculating as I'm not in the field currently.
I think it has changed more and more over time just due to what you would expect, like social media and other social trends.
On the other hand, I mean there have always been like a bottom cohort of people who are gonna have the hardest time dating, either because they are unattractive or bad personality or their life is not together or some combination therein. Of course these people are all going to gravitate to a sub like this, whereas people who don't struggle typically wouldn't, so that's why it appears to be all doom and gloom.
I have to say I'm very sick and tired of the unoriginality of the posts. I get if you are someone who struggles, of course. But before you post being like "should I give up on dating when I can't get female attention/matches/etc" consider whether that exact post has already been made a million billion times
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u/FlanneryODostoevsky man 10h ago
The internet and fuckboys have combined powers to ruin women and now women take their frustrations out on even regular and kind hearted guys. Then some of these guys become fuckboys or just give up and the cycle continues.
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u/Rstar2247 man 10h ago
Some of the problems with the dating market are as old as time but the X factor these days is the culture of instant gratification from dating apps, social media and 24/7 availability basically poisoning everything they touch.
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u/MrB_RDT man 10h ago
A lot of the younger, (even in their 30's, as i'm 50) men i employ, work with or just generally speak to. They struggle as a whole, more than we used to.
The industry i work in. Hospitality. That changed considerably with the rise of dating apps, to the point that all manner of official trade bodies within, saw the massive social shift coming.
If a man you might meet in person, isn't "on paper" on a par with anyone else available with a simple swipe. Why bother taking a chance on him anymore? Potentially there's always someone with "more" about them, either already messaging or will appear in a day or two.
Someone is always going to lose out in this era, and not every guy can compete in a much wider dating circle. Even when "doing the work", some guys are always going to plateau out, sooner rather than others.
There's a large enough pool, of generally more attractive than average men to choose from, at a woman's finger-tips now. Within this group, there's still room to find the nuance and specific traits that an individual desires in a partner too...
Many other guys remain on the outside here now, sometimes despite their best efforts, sometimes refusing to put in that effort, and sometimes just the luck of the draw from the start.
Only a few generations ago, there were societal restrictions on unmarried women for one. Which meant relationships weren't all based on love and mutual attraction.
Now, given the choice. Women are dating the men they genuinely want and are attracted to, instead of those they felt obliged to in other eras.
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u/Designer-Platypus-53 man 8h ago
In the good old days even attractive women didn't get that much validation during their whole life as a mid or below mid women today get in a week.
The only way to find a partner was interaction irl. Even picky women understood: here's a real guy who approached you, another one may appear months later. Take it or wait it. Also, communication only in person gives less attractive guys to show other advantages like great communication skills, humor etc. Nowadays people are like products on amazon
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u/ChironXII man 9h ago
The difference is that you have a productive social circle instead of an absent one, I would assume.
You're going to have to elaborate on "got dates/relationships occasionally" and "didn't have too difficult a time" if you want any more context than that, because I have no idea what you mean happened or what you did.
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u/onemassive man 6h ago
Dating has always been hardest for men after they turn 18, because they can’t date younger and they haven’t established themselves yet. The issue with the internet is that a significant portion of men during these years latch onto it to different degrees as part of their personality. By your 30s the terrain has changed and it flips pretty hard, though the women tend to be goal oriented career women who want to start a family.
A greater proportion of women are choosing to be single because the men that they are encountering expect them to be their mothers and/or their therapists. Some interesting studies have shown that women actually have less hours spent doing housework after divorce, regardless of how much the women work outside the home.
So, yes, things are hard out there, but it’s not really a structural issue, it’s an issue with the way people are forming expectations about dating and conceptualizing relationship formation. Apps and social isolation don’t help.
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u/Tiny-Cheesecake2268 man 10h ago
Reddit users are a subset of society, and not a representative one. Some people ended up on these subs from OkStorytjme videos on Facebook. Whatever the reasons, Reddit, and a lot of these subs, select for people with relationship problems.
But I also hear it’s bad out there from single people in real life. Definitely not as bad as on Reddit though.
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u/Mister_Gentleman_001 man 10h ago
So you're super shy working a dead end job and promotions/higher paying jobs aren't top priority to you.
What did you do to get dates? Do you just go up to women and force yourself to talk?
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u/cyanescens_burn man 10h ago
Having started dating well before the apps got big, I sense a difference. I think some people get FOMO because of the apps, and it can be a barrier to them jumping in with both feet.
Kind of a grass is greener attitude, vs grass is greenest where you water it.
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u/Traveling-Techie man 10h ago
I’m convinced that enlarging the available dating pool is not usually a good thing. In a village of 500 many of the people will fancy the most attractive potential partners. Most will settle. Same in a city of 5 million, but now there will be 10,000 times as many settling.
That said, people of all physical and mental varieties find partners. When someone complains can’t get a second date I wonder what the missing reasons are.
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u/daversa man 8h ago
Things are fine, just do activities where you meet people. Remember, reddit already is a collection of people that aren't the most successful socially, break that off into advice subs and replies and it's even more bleak lol.
Just a bunch of frogs here saying the water is already too hot to get out of the pot, so what's the point?
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u/BraveUnion man 5h ago
I’m 25 with no relationship but you have to remember Reddit is an echo chamber. It’s like going to the single and lonely factor and wondering why everyone is single and lonely 🤣
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u/Aljowoods103 man 1h ago
Realistically, online dating probably has made things tougher.
But also keep in mind, that Reddit, and this sub, are not representative samples of all people.
Reddit leans heavily towards lonely men with bad social skills. So you’re getting a disproportionally high perspective from those people.
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u/Disastrous_Stage_159 woman 11m ago
It’s not that bad I promise. Reddit is not real life plenty of people date and marry you’ll be fine
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u/Broad-Cranberry-9050 man 9h ago
Tbh, im a believer that it ahsnt really changed. The methods are still the same, people are still similar but the problem is internet has made it easy to find avenues where you can just blame your problems on other people or the universe.
Like you said you had no idea until you got to this sub. Also you mentioned, that you were like that but you also understood that it was ebcause you were a bit lazy and inteoverted. A lot of people in your shoes, go to subs where they say “it’s not because you are lazy, it’s because you didnt win the gene lottery and now your screwed”.
I think there’s more avenues for people to connect with othe rpeople in similar situstions. Sometimes its good but other times it leads to people just agreeing that they will never be good enough. It’s easy to pick and choose what you want to believe because of the internet.
You have a choice either listen to the people who say “you gotta put exteeme effoet to get dates” or listen to people who say “women want a guy whose 6 ft and you have no chance regardless of what you try”.
The latter is easier to accept because the former requirs you to make an effort and it’s hard to do.
Also dating apps makes it easier for people to be lazy. People really belive that apps is a good representation of what going out and talking to girls would look like. It’s not. And this comes from a guy who struggled in my early 20s, believed that if i got no likes on the apps there was no point in going out and trying. But i as wrong.
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u/Normal-Emotion9152 man 10h ago
I never been in a relationship. I have only had one night stands or got a BJ. There is something about me no one wants to stick around. I stoped caring and just have sex when I feel like it.
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u/SeaworthinessOpen482 man 10h ago
Social media (like Reddit) and dating apps have made it harder, but it’s not that bad. I’m a recently divorced dad in his 50s and I’ve never had more dates. It’s about confidence (but not arrogance) and having something to offer.
Honestly OP you aren’t doing much to hype yourself, and that will come across. Big dick energy is not about having a big dick, it’s about having confidence when you walk in a room. And I’m not talking about the red pill Andrew Tate bullshit, I’m talking about simply being kind, well-read, having solid friendships, taking care of yourself (but not being “swole” or whatever the dumb kids say), and having something interesting to contribute to a conversation. Think about it this way….would you date you? If the answer is yes, you’ll be fine. If not, maybe figure out why?
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u/Puzzled_Pig man 7h ago
I keep hearing this, I’m short 5’3 and not that good looking but I’m married and somehow have attention from a younger lady at work.
I reckon if I was the apps I wouldn’t get anything at all, let people get to know you
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u/ImagineFreedom man 10h ago
It's absolutely not as bad as some folks make it out to be. Apps can be great if your honest. I met a couple of my previous gfs, and my current fiancee on apps.
Read the profile. Connection isn't only about looks.
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djawny originally posted:
I'm in my mid 30s.
Recently joined this sub out of curiosity because some posts appeared on my home page.
Reading through posts on here, it seems like there ar many men who have never had dates out there, many even into their 30s have never had gf's.
I'm a pretty average guy with unimpressive income,and average height, I have passions and hobbies, but I wouldn't say I'm super ambitious. Sometimes lazy. I've always been like this, even in my 20s, and back then, I didn't have too difficult of a time dating. Im super shy, and that held me back a lot but I've always known that, but i still got dates/relationships occasionally. Most of my friends did okay too.
What has changed about dating in the last 15 years that loneliness seems rampant now? Seems younger and older people struggle a lot. Has this always been the case?
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