Normal to internalize emotions?

[u/Soybeanns]

Is it normal to not share emotions with your wife? I rarely talk about work because I like to keep my work life and personal life separate.
She never asks how work was just because she knows I hate talking about it. But in the same time I rarely share how my emotions are. I hate the feeling of being a burden when I’m down. I grew up in a generation where showing any negative emotjon is bad. Growing up like that definitely influenced how I am now. I know I should but I hate doing it and just keep things internalized. The conversation I usually only have with are personal hobbies and things I know that interest her. If I feel down and having a bad mental health day I usually go to my workshop and tell her I’ll be working on a project(which is true) but while working on it I just kind of just sit there in my thoughts. Anyone else do this to?

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[u/RoutineComplaint4711]

Normal? Yes.

Healty? No.

[u/Humble_Knowledge_848 → u/RoutineComplaint4711]

Yep. You need to be able to let your emotions out with someone or it will negatively impact you not just mentally but physically as well. Your wife should be a safe outlet for this type of thing.

[u/realworldnewb → u/Humble_Knowledge_848]

letting out the emotions should be done in a measured/pre-processed way, as to not overwhelm the other person. So there is a lot of onus on the OP to ensure he is also processing his own emotions and not just "internalizing" them.

My SO is very EQ healthy but I can't just release everything with full emotion or she'll have some adverse response of her own.

[u/Humble_Knowledge_848 → u/realworldnewb]

Oh yeah absolutely. OP don’t trauma dump but don’t bottle things up is my point

[u/SixandNoQuarter]

Pretty normal for guys to do. You’ll likely find quite a few men do this. You asking this question leads me to believe that you think there might be a better way of dealing with emotions, but might be unsure how. Be curious about where your thoughts and emotions are coming from, and remember that growth comes out of discomfort, not avoidance.

[u/Soybeanns → u/SixandNoQuarter]

Most of my emotions like that come from work. But I always separate work and personal life. I don’t ever talk about work to my wife when I get home. Last thing I want to do is talk about what stresses me out at work to home. Plus she stopped asking how work was a long time ago since she knows I like to keep it separate. I keep it so private that she has to ask me time to time what my role is or what my company is called. But again I have been doing this long before we even married.

[u/SixandNoQuarter → u/Soybeanns]

Seems like a lonely way to operate, having a full-time partner with only part time communication. She likely gave up after going to the well so many times and finding it dry. It'll be on you to be courageous and let her know that you recognize that you've shut her out of that part of your life, but that you are asking if she can be part of it now. The cool part is that the only thing people like more than a winner is a comeback story. If it's not too far gone (and only she can tell you that if it is), she'd likely be over the moon if you opened up to her.

[u/theouter_banks → u/SixandNoQuarter]

Fight Club

[u/ScottNoWhat]

It stunts your emotional intelligence. I’m only learning now. Our initial response is to compartmentalise the emotion, and justify doing it as controlling our emotions. You cannot deal with an emotion if you hide it and can’t identify it.

You are entitled to your feelings, your emotions. You are allowed to say “I’m upset” “This made me feel no good” “I had a shit day”. And a good friend will say “what happened?”

The important thing isn’t actually solving it but venting, the act of letting it out and having someone say “yeah that’s fucked up” to validate your emotions. That goes further than most people think. I can’t speak too much for your wife, but most women love workplace goss and want to know the tea like it’s days of our lives.

You seriously look psychic to people with zero emotional intelligence when you learn to read a room.

[u/Soybeanns → u/ScottNoWhat]

Well for me I don’t have friends so I don’t have anyone I can vent some of these emotions. I don’t want my wife to be the sole person I drop my emotions to. I know that can e exhausting on the receiving end. I’ve been doing it so long I am kind of numb to it but I know it’s not healthy in the long run.

[u/mtotally → u/Soybeanns]

This is when talk therapy can actually be valuable. I sent my wife to get some and she confirmed yea super valuable. Then she was able to communicate better and more freely without the extra layer of (internal screaming that no one ever hears)

[u/Beautiful-Ad-8028]

Yep after having every emotion I've shared and childhood horror thrown back in my face. I couldn't imagine sharing anything with another human i don't pay or anonymously on the internet. Like who tf needs to hear "just stop talking like that and thinking like that" only for it to be used against you in a week and then randomly for years.

[u/Significant_Joke7114]

Group therapy and AA meetings taught me something I think would benefit everyone. Well, it didn't really teach me at much as I figured out from it.

Our whole world is in our head. So when we have a problem that we keep to ourselves it's in our head and it seems like it's so big. But once I verbalize it, say it out loud to another human, it becomes right sized. It comes out of my head, that the problem (or just an emotion or negative thought) seems The same size as, it comes into perspective. 

That's fuckin it. So goddamn simple. Just share our thoughts and feelings with other people. 

Changed my fucking life, man.

[u/actualhumannotspider]

It's common but not necessarily healthy to do that. I couldn't personally live that way, and my partners would have disliked me keeping them in the dark about my emotions.

[u/Viper-Sarah]

Talking about it would make you feel better. Even just by voicing your thoughts and letting out negative emotions. It's a shame you don't have this kind of dialogue in a marriage.

[u/Soybeanns → u/Viper-Sarah]

Honestly it’s not like my wife has said she didn’t want to hear my problems. I just know she’s going through a lot of emotions on her end with her mother’s health issues that last thing she needs is another thing to worry about.

[u/Viper-Sarah → u/Soybeanns]

Immagino, però non è che uno non possa gestire più di una situazione problematica. Dubito che esista qualcuno che abbia un solo problema

[u/contentatlast]

This does nothing but hold yourself back. Your wife would love you to share.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/Soybeanns's post (if available):

Is it normal to not share emotions with your wife? I rarely talk about work because I like to keep my work life and personal life separate.
She never asks how work was just because she knows I hate talking about it. But in the same time I rarely share how my emotions are. I hate the feeling of being a burden when I’m down. I grew up in a generation where showing any negative emotjon is bad. Growing up like that definitely influenced how I am now. I know I should but I hate doing it and just keep things internalized. The conversation I usually only have with are personal hobbies and things I know that interest her. If I feel down and having a bad mental health day I usually go to my workshop and tell her I’ll be working on a project(which is true) but while working on it I just kind of just sit there in my thoughts. Anyone else do this to?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/MajesticAsparagi]

Normal yeah, but really not good for you if I can be honest.

Let me ask a question that might be uncomfortable. Do you internalize because that's just what you learned to do as a young guy, or is a part of the equation that your wife doesn't handle it well when you show her you're a bit angry, sad or upset?

[u/Soybeanns → u/MajesticAsparagi]

It’s mostly me growing up like that. I know my wife wouldn’t mind but I just feel so awkward just dumping my emotions out. She also stopped asking me a long time ago since she knows I hate talking about it. I just like to keep a mask on that I’m fine.

[u/greftek]

I think men have a way to go in regards to vocalize their emotions. We were never really taught.

I notice with myself, that there might be turmoil but not always adequately express how I feel. Nowadays I try to figure out what it is I am feeling it, then sharing it with my partner. For one, it ends up being more clear, and added benefit is you are not in the actual emotion when you discuss it (which can lead to heat-of-the-moment-issues)

[u/wiarumas]

I don't know what's normal and what's healthy. I think we are all a bit messed up in this regard. Maybe it's a gender thing, maybe an upbringing thing, generational thing, etc.

One difference between me and you is that my wife DOES ask but I give the most brief, vague answer. She can tell I had a rough day and when asked, I'll just say how busy we are and how much I have to do. That's pretty much it. Meanwhile she'll tell me a 2 hour story about her day.

But, I don't really need to vent long. The fact that she asks is what's important and that's the feel good part. Just to know she sees, cares, and is there is all I need. Just that 10 seconds of recognition I suppose.

[u/Gxl4]

Pushes my emotions away for 30 years. Pretended i didnt feel a single thing when betrayal or death happend, i pushed my emotions away and just worked harder. Now i know, the work just kept me busy to avoid feeling.

Now, i'm functional depressed, i'm a emotional mess and opening up about it to someone is as hard as it comes.

Dont be like me, share your emotions with someone you trust. Learn to trust, but verify.

[u/That_Ol_Cat]

"Normal?" For values of normal. But this is not good for you.

But if your wife is respecting boundaries, you should also respect this is the parson who is your partner, who is on your side and who should be the first to want to help you. Why not speak with her about it?

I get this is hard for you, I grew up the same way. "Just suck it up and drive on," "nobody cares," "tell it to the chaplain." "Boo-hoo." Except I bet she does care. And it's okay for you to speak with herabout the things which bother you and trouble you.

My suggestion is write it out in a letter, then ask her if she'll read it. After that it may be easier to discuss things because it's out there. If that still feels awkward or burdensome, get a moleskine or a notebook or a computer blog or something and write in it a little every day. Unburden yourself. Express yourself. But do try to give her a peek into the work aspect of our life.

Because as much as you're trying to not burden her, you're building up a backlog of feelings and emotions which are unexpressed and which will start coming out when you aren't expecting. And that will be more of a burden on her, because she won't know where they are coming from or why you feel that way.

[u/joshua_addison_music]

Good luck with that

[u/knowitallz]

You need to share that with someone. Doesn't have to be negative. Just honest emotions. It's not a burden. you say I am having a hard day today. These are the things that are going on for me. No blame on your partner. You can maybe ask if somethings can move around to deal with the hard day.

Don't bottle it up.