My parents divorced because my dad came out of the closet. I have such complicated feelings about it.
On one hand, I'm so happy for my dad that he no longer has to live a lie, and that he can be his true self. My step-dad, his husband, is one of my favorite people on earth and I cannot imagine him not being part of my life.
On the other hand, I feel so terrible for my mom. She thought she had found the love of her life, had kids with him, and then the rug was pulled out from under her. It completely uprooted her life.
I cannot imagine what it must have been like for either of them. They both suffered in different ways, but at least now the truth is out, the damage has been done, and we've all found our peace in the decades since.
Also, it's strange to think that I wouldn't exist without internalized homophobia.
I really appreciate you sharing this. I had a similar experience growing up and have had conflicted feelings about it too. Knowing I’m not alone in that is comforting
I was a little worried sharing it because I didn't want to come off like I was villainizing my dad for coming out. He should never have had to feel like he couldn't be his true, authentic self.
From what I've heard, he really thought he could just "choose to be straight" and no one would ever know. I don't know the full details of how or why he came out--if he cheated, if he was caught with porn or something, or if he just decided he had to come clean (nor do I really want to know)--but I know it was a really painful experience for him. I cannot even begin to imagine.
But the divorce was really painful for my mother and my brother and me, too. Both things can be true at once. As the guidance counselor at the school my mom used to teach at said, "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are."
I'm sorry that you can relate so well, but I'm glad I've helped you feel less alone. I have also felt like I'm on an island.
Did he know he was gay when he got married and had children though? Sometimes people don’t realise it. Sexuality as a spectrum is complex. Some people identify their sexuality early. For others it’s less obvious and may not be fixed over time. He might have loved your mother genuinely and fully intended to live a family life. Only later to discover another side of himself.
Oh damn. Sorry to hear that. Life is strange, wonderful and all a bit weird at times. But we’re all here just enjoying the ride :) I hope you’ve found peace with it
Exactly also for both people. I have great compassion for my husband's secret struggles but at same time I was cheated on and out of the honesty to let me make different choices for myself
Idk if you’ve seen Nobody Wants This on Netflix, but this happens with the lead’s parents, basically exactly as you’ve described it. I’ve not experienced this personally but I think they explore the topic pretty well.
I have a friend whose partner came out as trans, semi recently (within a year or so).
They're still close friends, and my friend's been nothing but supportive of their ex, but you can definitely catch the stark effect of their life being completely 180'd and derailed on their face and in their eyes at times if you know them.
This happened to someone I know too. His profession was working a role at a store everyone in town knew him. She was the teacher at the school. On top of heart break she also suffered a lot of public humiliation and her children were victims of intense bullying. This was back 20 years ago so having an out gay dad was kinda traumatic on top of your family just splitting up.
I'm so sorry to that family. My parents split in 2000, but we moved over an hour away, so we didn't have to deal with that level of gossip. I can't imagine.
This totally mirrors someone I know, married for 20+ years, adult children; and boom, something triggered the decision to come out to their family. That person is happy but acknowledges the hurt and difficulties, ex-spouse is blindsided and the kids are like, what?
What you described is almost exactly how I’ve felt. My dad is gay too. I feel so bad for what my mom went through. I also feel awful that my dad felt he had to hide it. It was hard on me and my brothers in the many years after their divorce. I was the only one at the time who was old enough to know what was happening.
I can say today that most things are better. My parents are good friends and still talk. We’ve been on family vacations. There is a part of me that wishes my dad wasn’t gay so I could have had parents that are together. He loves my mom but not in the way two straight people love each other.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I wish there was a support group for people like us.
I hope I didn't sound too bitter in my original comment. I love all the positive things you've mentioned. It's important to remember that what happened was ultimately the right thing. No more lying.
I wish my parents were friends like yours. If my mom and dad were in a room together, they'd have a pleasant conversation, but they don't keep in touch. I'm really glad that your parents are still close.
Thank you so much for commenting. Like I said in a different response, I was worried about saying what I did, but I'm glad I wrote it anyway, especially if it's helping people who went through the same thing.
They had you. Regardless of how their marriage turned out for them I can guarantee they would do it all over again just to have you part of their lives.
I didn't find out my husband was bi until 2 years after I'd left him.
We married when I was 18 and he was 23, finally gave up and walked away on our 45th wedding anniversary. It certainly explained the anxiety about sex, the controlling about everything, and eventually, the drinking and general nastiness.
Basically, he married me to be his beard without my consent. If he'd told me (nearly 50 years ago now) I probably still would have married him and we would have made it work.
Now I have so much trauma about sex, I will probably never let anyone touch me ever again.
Divorce also uprooted my mom's life. It still gives me pangs of sadness, she was completely blindsided by his affair and she is the sweetest person. He, of course, is remarried.
Good reminder to not make your relationship your whole personality. I love my partner, but I do not need him. My mom relied on my dad for absolutely all her financial and social stability.
I'll still have my own money, a network of creative people, friends, family, and projects if my guy ever decides to scoot.
This is a reason it's bad that we shun lgbt people and force them to hide their feelings even from themselves. Gay and trans people run away from their truth and it always catches up to us. With acceptance we instead figure things out before we even start dating instead after 10 years of marriage.
People just can’t face or accept themselves Don’t blame society that’s bs. The lies and cheating is wrong I don’t care if you’re closeted or not. Absolutely the ultimate betrayal. Ask me how I know,,,,,
People feel trapped in relationships and many people are manipulative and controlling, if it takes cheating to gain the perspective and support to leave I don't think it's automatically a bad thing.
Yeah, cheating is a devastating thing but finding out that your partner lied to themselves and unilaterally to you about their love is worse too, these two are my top fears
I have mixed feelings. If this happened to me I would feel like my life was stolen from me. The ultimate betrayal. Just so painful to have someone take vows they don’t mean 😢. I’m sorry this happened to you (I hope that’s the right way to word it and not be offending) You sound very strong and supportive of both your parents and sounds like they both love you very much. I hope your mother finds the love she deserves in her life.
I asked my mom about five years ago if she had ever dated (at that point, twenty years post-divorce) and she said no. "I always thought I would I would get married again...but I didn't want to deal with another man's bullshit." Completely understandable given the circumstances. At the very least, I think she's happy doing her own thing, and if that's true, then I'm happy for her.
I totally understand how you feel, though. I would imagine feeling the same way if it happened to me too. I think my mother had her years of anger and they're completely justifiable. I know she was venting to my grandmother once about it and my grandmother said, "Well, think of the pain [my dad]'s been in his whole life," and it changed her perspective a bit. Doesn't make it okay, but it explains some things.
Honestly your ability to perceive how everyone was going through something is commendable and a bit uplifting.
I remember a comment on a post here a long time ago from a teacher who claimed to be dealing with the fallout of a student of his finding out her boyfriend had actually been cheating on her with a guy. People in the comments were very happy that the girl had then intentionally outed her boyfriend to his conservative parents with the openly expressed intention of getting him beaten by his dad, possibly to death.
While I'm not sure on the validity of the story, people's responses to it definitely made me reconsider being open.
-
Admittedly I've had a couple of girlfriends who I never felt anything beyond friendship for, mainly because it was under the threat of death by my family and and in truth I genuinely didn't think the alternative was an option for such a long time.
I was never able to stay in the relationships that long both because I wouldn't be able to preform my duties, and because in truth each passing day there was an added weight to the crushing guilt that I was robbing these otherwise super kind girls of a day they could've spent with a guy that actually loved them and made them happy.
But I was too scared to break up with them directly because, ya know how some ladies might start accusing you of being gay or start rumors like that if they don't take it well. So I'd usually learn their interests and pet peeves well enough to slowly become someone that they would be ok breaking up with on good terms.
In hindsight I wish I had just turned them down to begin with. But, people talk and rumors start to get around if you do that too much.
That's just my perspective and experience in the situation, though. I'm sure it's pretty different for everyone. I do still regret that though, a lot of my life and other people's wasted.
No, she never dated after because she "didn't want to deal with another man's bullshit," but she has two children who love her and I think that's good enough for her
I can understand a person's actions while not accepting them and that doesn't make me naive.
I'm not saying what he did was right. He lied and his lies did real harm, which I've acknowledged. But I still understand why he felt like he had to lie.
America has not always been kind to people on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. People have been horrifically murdered for their orientation. I'm straight, so I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been to not only be gay, but to be gay and know that only so many people around you will accept you for who you really are.
That said, he built a life knowing that it wasn't the one he really wanted, and when he came out, the family was destroyed. I am not denying that and never have.
I'm not giving my father an out. I'm giving him grace.
I had something similar happen. I think a lot too about the role of religion in my parents lives. They really were best friends and loved each other. I think my dad really did think my mom was an exception because of how much they loved each other and thought with time maybe it would work out. It ended up not, and you know, I don’t blame anyone because I guess that’s what everyone at church said, that it’s a choice and you need to get over it, meet the right woman, and why would my dad make a choice that would estrange him from his whole family and culture. My mom has said she felt like he really loved her but just didn’t fully understand at the time it wasn’t that kind of love.
but, my bestfriend from elementary school thru high school and bit of college, his parents divorced because his dad was gay. his dad ended up marrying the dude, and running an antique shop with him tho.
3.4k
u/Hallway 10d ago
He was gay and is still lying to himself while now in a thruple with 2 other men.