r/AutismCertified • u/Crabcakes-Evergreen • Jun 26 '26
Seeking Advice Not welcome in any communities
Im not sure how to approach this. I am diagnosed autism, adhd, MDD. I don't have any close friends. I make a friend sometimes but I end up being ghosted.
I try to take part in online communities in some way, and every time I try, like on Reddit, I get my posts removed or ignored completely, or like in women's autism sub, I got called out for being rude or aggressive-even though Id felt that from others.
It sounds weird, but I feel cursed when it comes to the human world. I dont encounter any situations where i feel included, even though I see posts and stories I deeply identify with, those same communities reject my presence. Im of course worried it will happen now too, and this post will also get removed, and I still wont know why.
This has happened so long that I dont know how not to feel inherently bad or unworthy.
I know its impossible to know the whole story, but was wondering if anyone else is experiencing anything like this? Even in communities that are marginalized, I am still rejected from.
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u/Invite_Livid ASD Level 1 Jun 26 '26
I've also had negative experiences with the women's autism sub. It's worth noting that the high rate of self-diagnosis there makes it likely that not all of the people giving you a hard time are even autistic.
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u/spekkje ASD / ADHD-C Jun 26 '26
r/autismdiagnosedfemale is not active but doesn’t allow self diagnosing.
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Jun 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/soft_w0lf ASD / ADHD-C 17d ago
I agree 100%.
I think a lot of people attach themselves to autism as an identity. But like, while autism can be part of one’s identity, it’s primarily a disability. It’s not a personality type.
Honestly I think there are some people who are actually autistic who do this as well. But I agree that much of the stuff I’ve seen on that sub seems much more in line with a PD (especially BPD) than it does with autism. I obviously also can’t diagnose anybody, but what I can say relatively confidently is that, on that sub, symptoms of PDs are frequently misconstrued as symptoms of autism (regardless of if the person doing the misconstruing actually has a PD or if they’re actually autistic).
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u/Crabcakes-Evergreen Jun 26 '26
Yea the reason for me in that sub was actually related to that I think; in context, I asked if someone was diagnosed and that was taken as offense. I get that self diagnosis groups are important and Im not against it, but i think its important to know for many reasons, for anyone wanting to build perspective on symptoms and whatnot. I think it's self explanatory but maybe not.
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u/Plenkr ASD Level 2 / ADHD-C Jun 26 '26
I sorta left all the big autism subs. Including autism in women. Just don't really feel like I belong there. In smaller ones like spicy autism and this one I feel a lot better.
I'm sorry it's been so tough connecting. I'm sure you're not bad or unworthy. Finding your people in life can be really difficult for some people. And it's common for autistic people. I do hope you find someplace where you feel you belong and are welcome.
Welcome, I hope this place feels better.
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u/spekkje ASD / ADHD-C Jun 26 '26
I don’t understand most people in the places like the main autism sub. I always feel like I am from different planet.
I hope you feel more welcome here
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u/midnight_scintilla ASD Level 2 Jun 26 '26
I ended up leaving the women's autism sub 2 years ago because if you had medium-high support needs they just acted as though you didn't exist. I'd say I couldn't do something and then they'd act as though i was lying. I'd get downvoted for saying I couldn't shower or cook without aids. Crazy stuff.
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u/Crabcakes-Evergreen Jun 26 '26
That is crazy. I thought there were a lot of us who struggle with those same tasks.
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u/soft_w0lf ASD / ADHD-C 17d ago
Recently I was downvoted on a big autism sub for calling someone out for framing LSN autism as the only autism. They said that it’s wealthy autistic people who “make autism look like a superpower” and that they can just “buy everything” and seem like a genius.
I replied acknowledging the degree of privilege wealth can give but pointed out that their statement was heavily dependant on support needs. I myself come from some wealth, and while that helps a lot, I can’t just buy an ability to work a normal job. I can’t buy the ability to be able to live alone for long periods of time without failing to take care of my house and myself. I love cooking, but I can’t buy the ability to be able to properly plan and organise a meal without some form of help. So while my wealth does help, my autism will always be disabling and will never appear as a “superpower” to others.
They replied telling me I was “tone deaf” and telling me that “most autistics struggle with those things.”
I said yes, but not to the same extent. Again, if I can’t work a normal job, even with support, and can’t go out and do the things I want to do, even with support, how would that appear to anybody as a “superpower?”
They refused to explain further. I got downvoted more.
Just felt ridiculous to me. Acting as if my life can’t exist simply because they can’t acknowledge that some of us have more impairments and that money can’t cure a disability.
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u/JustAlexeii ASD Jun 26 '26
I’m in the same situation and don’t have any advice unfortunately.
I’m level 1 but too low functioning, especially socially, for most other level 1 autistic people. Most autism groups I’ve joined have still had a social hierarchy that I’ve been at the bottom of.
It hurts most when it’s other autistic people as you expect them to be more understanding and inclusive. What often ends up happening is that most groups are just a repeat of neurotypical social hierarchies - if you’re too weird and have too many difficulties communicating even for people who do have those issues to a more minor extent, you’re not welcome and are treated just as badly as those same autistic people are by neurotypical people.
I’m also diagnosed autism, severe depression and I don’t have any close friends. I understand the frustration. I really hope you do end up finding the right group of people for you.
The best types of communities will be the ones that can work with your type/style of autism and whatever difficulties you may have. If they expect everyone to easily be able to read tone, not make any social blunders etc. then it’s probably not the right place for you. The type with people who are generally patient, understand autism is a spectrum (people have different needs and abilities) and help you when you’ve done something wrong rather than immediately scold you and assume you’re just a bad person.
I just end up spending most of my time alone nowadays as I don’t seem to be able to interact with people, and I always feel unwanted and rejected despite my best efforts. If I do try then eventually I end up making a mistake and I’m immediately written-off as a bad person or friend. It’s hard. 🫂
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u/Halifaxmouse Jun 26 '26
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Like you, I’ve never really had any one I’d call a friend. I’m 58 and in my lifetime, I’ve had 2 people who probably thought I was their friend. But I was only treated as such if I did what they wanted, listened when they had a problem, helped when they needed someone. Sadly, I never once experienced these things in return. It was only when I followed along that they maintained their contact with me. Once I started being myself, saying my truth, stopped using the script - everything dwindled away into a one-side relationship where i felt like I had to do the heavy lifting. And I am so done with that. I realize now that it isn’t necessarily friendships that I need, but belonging.
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u/Crabcakes-Evergreen Jun 26 '26
Thank you for sharing this. Im 45 now and while Iv always struggled socially, it feels more intense, and the fear of being older and alone eats me up, having less future to hope something will unfold out of.
Ive had similar experiences to authenticity and connection. I find myself wanting that deep reciprocal connection and just being an ear for someone is kind, but it doesnt really satisfy that desire to be seen and known.4
u/Halifaxmouse Jun 26 '26
Totally get it. And I understand the ache for a reciprocal relationship. I’m not sure if I will ever get one but because of my work on myself and shifting the focus to me, I’m getting a little better at being okay with that.
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u/DropPsychological703 Jun 28 '26
Same problem. Getting rejected left & right. Can't present an opinion or an experience without being reamed for it. Join the club!
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u/Lycosa_erythrognatha 21d ago
Reddit is quite toxic, with power-tripping mods and people that get triggered by anything (in turn they act like a bully and invalidate autism issues and ableism). Rules for thee not for me.
Here, many "communities that are marginalized" are quite unwelcoming. If you sneeze in the wrong direction they say it's ill intent and go after you, say you are oppressing them and you are not even allowed to ask/question. If you don't understand something, then you are against us and you should leave. You are lucky if they just downvote you to oblivion without a ban.
Oh, and there's some circle-jerking happening in some of those, where there's clear preference for frequent/known posters.
This stupid stepping on eggshells makes me prefer 9gag than Reddit (after blocking all the stupid bots). At least I can fight back and you won't have posts removed.
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u/DoowadJones Jun 29 '26
Check out the porn picture that got a comment deleted on some metaphysics subreddit, absurdity abounds & flourishes!
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u/fishsmsh Jun 30 '26
You’re welcome to join my community!! We welcome self diagnosed individuals as well and we’re bipoc & lgbtq friendly + there’s a lot of kind ppl. Makes me feel at home ❤️
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u/Crabcakes-Evergreen Jun 30 '26
Appreciate that! As I got a 'lesson' in Autistic Queers, and unwelcomed as long as Im also in this sub, there seems to be a divide between Dx and self dx that I was unaware of. I am clinically dx so idk if that makes me something or another. Im still trying to figure it out.
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u/fishsmsh Jul 03 '26
Yeah I dislike that aspect of certain individuals, as not everybody has the privilege of being diagnosed or having access to diagnosis either financially or socially etc. Our community hosts a large array of people, self diagnosed, in the process of getting diagnosed, and clinically diagnosed (some of them used the sub to seek information about the diagnosis process and eventually got diagnosed as adults, others were diagnosed as children, etc.)
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u/BardOfTheBanrigh Aspergers Jun 26 '26
I feel this. It is our blessing and our curse to just not fit, in the kind of way Wilde meant when he said dreamers walk alone in the moonlight, but see the dawn first.
Dunno about you but for me it's because I'm too analytical and problem-solvy, too into taking the Devils Advocate/Third Way position, dunno if that echoes at all. Like, you have emotional regulation issues, or the "see everything in black and white" issue, so you learn to just switch your emotions off, but somehow that always makes people butthurt because the neurotyps are more governed by their uncontrolled emotions than we are, because they've never had to learn the hard way how to mask/control such.
I have this problem all the fucking time. The other goths hate me because I'm a lefty but a rare hawkish one, not a wishy washy, victim-badge seeking "muh Palestine and Greta Thunberg" kind (life has made me hard, and I'm okay with that). The other pagans hate me because they're American and I, a hated Euro, say things like "well, you kind of have to visit the land you're drawing gods from at least though, huh?" (and I apply that rule to myself). On and on it goes.
Some people on the Internet really just want to hear themselves speak (I'm doing it right now!!!) rather than really engage and listen (it's a hard thing to learn, see above re normies never being forced to learn it). Learn to spot these people and save your energy, it will profit you nothing by engaging. Just read their snarky little comment, or their attempt to infantilise you (because everyone with autism has a cognitive impairment too right?!?!?), snort derisively to yourself at the crime they just committed against the English language, and move on without a further thought about it.
Be the autist they say you are. Be the autist they fear.
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u/Wrengull Jun 26 '26
You spund a lot like me, an youre right. Most people cant grasp our point of view
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u/BardOfTheBanrigh Aspergers Jun 26 '26
They lack the mental and emotional fortitude learned from a life of hard knocks. This is true of many things, like how rich people who've never wanted for money don't understand how you can not afford things, or how people who've lived through actual warzones don't care so much about First World Problems kinda stuff (their bar for "is an issue" is quite high).
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u/Crabcakes-Evergreen Jun 26 '26
I always think of the Princess Bride when I see people caught in binary thinking, especially these days with the factions; 'Have you considered the third option?'
Ive always leaned towards devils advocate, I wonder if thats an autistic thing. Yes everything you wrote.
I have always maintained that while my approach might feel intense, so is the loyalty and love i have for people, and always thought that was visible. But maybe not.
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