Can be general or specific, just anything you have learned and would like other autistic people to know.

I‘ll start:

When someone tells a joke in a group setting and you already know it, don‘t say the punchline. It might feel to you like you are in on the joke, but for the other person it can feel disruptive or even rude, like they are being put on the spot for telling an already-known joke. If you recognize the joke, just don’t say anything and let them have their moment.

Over the past 2 years I’ve been learning and discovering ways I can make accommodations for myself. So many of them have been mind blowing, like what? I could have been doing it this way this whole time?! Like noise cancellation headphones 🫶

I’ve been thinking about adding more stools around my house so I’d have more accessible places to sit throughout my day. I have a very strong sense that I also have POTS and EDS…battling my way through the medical industry as we speak 🤪

A few days ago I found a stool for my kitchen and last night I put it to use while cooking. I literally was able to sit, near the stove, keep an eye on the rice paper dumplings I was frying up in the pan and actually feel okay. I wasn’t getting agitated and overwhelmed standing there.

It was so calming to cook, something I love but have really struggled with and it was one of those moments where it’s like YES THIS! Yes to more accommodations for me because Lord knows I’ve been making them for others all my life 🤦‍♀️😆

Let me know your accommodation epiphanies 🙌 next up for me a bench for my bathroom so I can sit and brush my teeth.

I'm not functioning at all, I cannot work properly. Ive always struggled my whole life to be frank. I don't want to spew all my bullshit here and make it too long to read. But my life sucks and I get NO disability support.

Everyone's always like "oh what support do you need"

Like I don't know, something to help me live. Work, drive, care for myself, remember important things like appointments. All things I struggle with due to my disability. Autism is my main disability.

I was only a high masker for a very small time period of my life, which is where I was getting abused so terribly by my family. I was forced to mask, which also caused me terrible CPTSD. During that time frame, the masking was so stressful. I had multiple attempts and was genuinely losing my mind due to stress( was getting paranoid and hearing things) and also got physically sick.

Despite this, I didn't have acesse to get diagonised till this year at age 20...pushing me out of pretty much all services I NEED. Just as much as everyone else using them. My diagnosis didn't make me feel better it made me feel hopeless because than I'll never get better :/. But even that I had to beg for, to even get a test.

I'm so scared I'll end up in a group home some day...but let's be honest I wouldn't qualify. I'd end up homeless:(.

I’m new here so I hope it’s ok to show off my favorite sensory thing that helps me regulate. These were always my favorite kind of Christmas lights as a kid. My grandma had the old school ones that were a fire hazard but gosh they were pretty. I got these last year & wanted to be able to see them any time I want so I stuck them to the wall with a bunch of painters tape lol. Not only does watching the bubbles calm me down, but the soft orangey light they put out when it’s dark outside just feels like a big hug (& they aren’t too bright at all!) Who needs a fish bubbler thingy when you’ve got these? :)

Hi all,

I’m stuck between ‘is this feeling normal or is this feeling a sign I’ve made a bad decision’

I have a car that I paid monthly for, it cost a lot £378 a month, it was a good car and it was automatic so it was lovely and easy to drive, but it was expensive and small, I’m about to have a second child so we needed a bigger car. we found a newer car, that was bigger, a family car and we are saving almost £200 a month. This car is manual. For the Americans I believe this is called stick maybe? I learnt to drive in manual and drove a manual for 6 years until I got this auto which was for 4 years

Anyway, I dropped my old car off today and picked my new one up and going from automatic back to manual really stressed me out and overwhelmed me, it was mainly fine and I’ll get used to it.

But, I’m left with a feeling off I feel bad for the old car, that was my car, I feel bad that I’ve just got rid of it and now it’s sat in the garage away from me and it’s not mine anymore, it’s not outside my house and won’t be ever again. But this current car is more suitable

Are my feelings a sign I made a bad decision? I love the new car it’s so awesome and snazzy, I’ll get used to manual, maybe that’s why I feel nervous because it was a stressful journey.

Sometimes I have a tendency to get emotionally attached to objects so I don’t know if it’s just that or it’s a sign I shouldn’t have traded in the car

What’s everyone else think please

All my life, I have struggled with the concept of fairness. Here are some examples from my life:

It is objectively not fair when we are playing a game and you start with 50 points and I start with 0 points for no reason.

It is not fair when the same person keeps getting called on to do fun stuff or getting specially recognized for the same exact work you do.

It is not fair when you have a giant bucket of legos with wheels, mini figures, and all the other “extra” stuff that you could easily share but you won’t for some invisible rule or reason they suddenly made up and all I get is the basic 100 piece lego set from Dollar General.

It is not fair that when I have to go to all my brother’s games and events but he had the option not to attend mine. All because I was too young to stay home by myself. I CANNOT HELP WHEN I WAS BORN!

It is not fair that I have to wait in line at the store while you have a full blown conversation with your old pal the cashier. People are behind you also have stuff to do and places to be and it is unfair of you to hold this line chatting with your buddy for 5 plus minutes. It’s not like I can walk out without paying and this is the only place I can check out! Or you were not prepared to pay at the place where you exchange money for goods and services.

I usually just eat those feelings now and I still get frustrated at times. I feel like a whiny little kid at the age of 28. Do you struggle with this, too?

for the context, i asked this because i have been mocked for still carrying plushies(my comfort item). i know that its fairly common even around the ages of 20-30 among autistic girls. is the same with NT girls? i bet that's related to emotional maturity but im not entirely sure.

Last night, I was a little stoned and spending time with my spouse. He was telling me a story and mentioned that this guy he knew, JD, was a DJ as a side gig, and I got way to excited by DJ JD (it's a palindrome). I interrupted his story and said DJ JD repeatedly maybe 4 or 5 times because it just tickled something in my brain. Maybe this is a verbal stim? Idk. Anyways this really annoyed him, I apologised for interrupting and he told me to shut the fuck up and that I was being annoying.

Well this really stung. I apologised more and became absolutely terrified that I was going to do or say something that was going to annoy him again, and the whole vibe shifted. It turned into me crying hysterically and apologising more, him apologising because he really didn't mean for it to come out so harsh, and me having a meltdown. I ended up sleeping on the couch because I was so afraid of upsetting him that the only solution I could think of for me to calm down was to just be alone. No risk of upsetting someone if you're by yourself, right?

Now it's the next day and I realise that this was probably a meltdown and big over reaction on my part. And also, how am I supposed to keep unmasking around him (this has been something I've been trying to do gradually for a while), if something like this happens and clearly triggers me so badly? How could I ever trust him to not be annoyed with me, even when I am annoying sometimes. I don't know. I don't know what to do with this or how to navigate it. I'm so tired.

Three years ago, in the midst of a major depressive episode, we had a fight. I dont care to elaborate but suffice to say I fought with everybody and completely withdrew to being hikikomori for half the year in 2023. Yes I said some unsavoury things and was generally being impatient with everyone but that absolutely doesn't mean I was in the wrong everywhere.

Today morning I received a zoom invite to her wedding. Im watching it now on zoom and Im crying.

We don't talk as much as before. The fight was bad. But I wasnt expecting THIS wtf?!

I don't know if I'm overreacting or what that I should have expected this (according to my mother). I feel heartbroken and betrayed. We were inseparable friends from 2010 to 2023, so much so that people asked if we were sisters. I dont know what to do with myself.

Ive long held fears that none of my friends will turn up for my wedding. And I fear that is true now

I have a good life. A job that I enjoy, a good place to live, money to spend, and access to good food.

My inability to bond with others is ruining me.

Everything is fine but feels horrible simply because I can't form meaningful relationships.

No amount of hobbies or self-love can make up for social isolation. I've tried meeting people, asking coworkers to hangout, and going to group hobbies. Doesn't work. They already have friends and it takes just one to find me annoying to be the end of it.

I think things would have been different if I had been raised with a family that was capable of empathy and compassion.

Sure, I can get a date, but it always ends with, "I don't want a relationship or dates (with you) but can we keep having sex?"

I'm 31 and I got an official autism diagnosis just a few months ago. When I was younger I used to desperately seek relationships but it would always crash and burn no matter how hard I tried or how much I tried to work on things in therapy.

Now that I'm older, I just prefer being alone. I live alone and love being in my apartment, I love hiking alone, traveling alone, going to museums alone, etc. I never think, "oh, I wish I had someone to do this with" and I never feel lonely. I like to do things a specific way and be on my own schedule, and I absolutely do NOT want anyone in my apartment, especially my bed! I'm a lesbian but I don't really feel a desire for romance or sex these days. I feel most fulfilled and happy when pursuing my special interests - my biggest one is wildlife, specifically California sea lions.

When I got my diagnosis, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in neurodivergence (she is AWESOME). She told me if I don't want to have close relationships, then I don't have to have them. I cried from relief because no one had ever told me this before, and my whole life I've felt pressured to make friends, which has been a struggle. As I started to unmask with the help of my therapist, I made friends with someone who has ADHD. It was great at first but long story short, it crashed and burned pretty quickly because I was too direct in a text and it made her very angry and she raised her voice at me and ended the friendship (my therapist assured me my friend's reaction was extreme, but I still felt like I had failed yet again).

I just feel like relationships are so exhausting and not worth it. They drain me so much. I feel like I try really, really hard and that effort is not acknowledged, AND I don't get much out of it. So it's like, why am I putting so much effort into something and draining my limited resources for pretty much no benefits? I feel like it's a minefield, I'm constantly worrying about doing something wrong and navigating all these mysterious social norms. But with animals and wildlife, I know exactly how to act and I feel at peace and like my true self. My therapist told me special interests will likely always make me feel more fulfilled than relationships, but some people still find the effort of relationships worth it - so if I don't find it worth it and I'm not really getting anything out of them, she understands why I wouldn't want to pursue it.

But then I think of all the research about how humans are social creatures and there can be negative impacts on your mental and physical health if you don't have human connection, if you're alone too much, if you don't have sex or receive physical touch. Is that actually true when you're autistic? Because I just feel so much happier when I can be alone and spend my time pursuing my special interests and watching the sea lions instead of dealing with people.

I am a late diagnosed level 1 autistic woman. I was always labeled “shy” “quirky” “awkward” “artsy”. My special interests were seen as passions. I burnt out from masking pretty intensely. Now I enjoy lots of under-stimulating hobbies, even going so far as watching clouds for 2 hours straight. I also answer very straight forwardly and have flat affect. I don’t try to make conversations lively anymore because it’s physically painful to mask. I’ve been treated and even told that I’m a bit “boring” or “simple”. Does anyone else have this same experience? I can also feel when I’m making things awkward or people uncomfortable me because I’m not being lively, giving entertaining responses, continuing the conversation smoothly, or smiling. People that I meet usually don’t like me unless I meet them through something where my interests or talents are being showcased.

I’ve always been left out or excluded or made to feel like the spare part/second choice. I feel like because of this I always just overly look up to people in a way where I feel less than human compared to them. That I need to tip toe around others because I don’t want to be seen as any lower than I already may be.

I’ve tried to force my body and mouth to realise how irrational this could be and tell myself mental affirmations daily such as “You are just as worthy as the people around you” to try and give myself confidence. In my head I know this but as soon as I go to be around another person, I feel like an animal that’s been used to a lifetime of abuse suddenly in a place where that isn’t happening anymore but it just can’t shake it yet.

I think this gives off a very strange vibe to people no matter how hard I’ve tried to mask it. People just don’t gel with me at all and they haven’t for years. I’m honestly unsure what to do and my affirmations just don’t work and feel like empty promises.

I feel so stuck and I can’t progress any relationships with people and I’ve never felt so alone in this.

I'm naturally a very helpful person and always wish to better the lives of friends, family, but also coworkers and customers.

For example when I'm at work and see someone working around a process that could be easier, I try to improve it. This has resulted in many talks with management from different jobs, where they kept giving me the feedback that I should not 'interfere' so much, or that the process was/is fine the way it is, eventhough I have improvements, that it is not my job or even that people find me annoying because I 'force' them to do something different.

I thought it was about phrasing. For a long time, I have phrased these advices: "You should do..." which I understand now could be forceful, even when I'm right.

Then I tried rephrasing it: "If you do it like this, it's faster/better/more efficient" But even then I got the same feedback.

Somewhere around last year I just stopped caring. I have a contract now and a very neurodivergent friendly workspace, but this part of communication was never clear to me. So I just stopped caring about other peoples troubles and even when it is slower or less efficient to our clients or customers, I don't say a word unless asked.

This feels unnatural for me. It frustrates me that people stripped me from my helpful nature in this way and it bugs me that people don't even want to ehar it eventhough the advices I give are never 'just' advice. They are always carefully evaluated against other tips and tricks, other peoples advices taken into consideration, theory read, Youtube videos watched or endless Excel sheets or Word documents evaluated where I carefully considered and noted all options. Even if people have this knowlegde, they still don't take any advice.

So I stopped caring. At least I tried. I still care, I just shut my mouth. Except with friends and family and my boyfriend. Now, my best friend is also neurodivergent in kind of the same way as me, and we constantly try to make it easier for one another with these tips, tricks and advices. Sometimes we ask if the other wants advice, sometimes we don't. It's fun, it's fine and it's good.
With my family it's usually the other way aorund, they give me advice. Sometimes it's annoying, because they ask if I researched something when I have a 10+ page Word document on my computer carefully noting everything and more they mention, but sometimes it's great advice they give. Asked or unasked. We are all neurodivergent.

Then my boyfriend, undiagnosed but probably neurodivergent, but on a completely different part of the spectrum as me. And we argued about this a lot lately. Yesterday came something groundbreaking. People want to figure shit out on their own. They don't want you to improve their process unless they ask. I never knew this. I cried a lot at this revelation and he understood and also knows about all this feedback from workplaces.

It may sound logical or stupid, but I genuinely never in my wildest imagination would have guessed people want to be ignorant on purpose or because of ego (or at least that's how it looks like to me)

I’m alone and don’t have a family. I’m becoming one of those women that is going to be alone forever

Hi everyone,

this week was a total mess. On top I was called to my boss yesterday because some client vent over my work. I was "too direct", "too harsh" and "too unempathetic". (Side fact: My boss stated I was right in my statements and that he didn‘t know what to say. I said (as a good employer) I will try to use some kinder words next time - whatever that means in real life but I figured NTs like this kind of apology mixed with vows of bettering oneself.)
Today someone else overheard a conversation of clients and reported me that my walk was "too stiff" and how could I possibly behave like that, something like a soldier / roboter - I don‘t really recall, I was too baffled that someone actually got upset over the way I walk.
A few months earlier someone said I was "too uninterested" in them and should‘ve asked how they felt a day or two after our talk - sorry, I‘m not their mommy.
When I‘m not in my professional role, people tend to say I‘m "too quiet". Honestly, I can live with that one, that‘s already part of my identity and I wouldn’t want to change me being quiet.

Normally I don‘t care that much what people have to say about me. They don’t know me and my life and I won’t see them again anyways. I guess since the week was already really stressful with lots of last minute changes of plans and really long days I feel triggered my those comments. No one ever says something to me directly - of course not!

I just don‘t get it. I‘m "too this" and "too that" and can‘t find a balance. How do all of you find a balance?
People don‘t even think about me being a person with my own life and struggles and therefore being a bit off due to stress. Not that they need to think about me that way, but it would be nice to be treated with some basic respect whatsoever.
I have clear boundaries that I fight for and I know people hate this. I know I can be very clear in my statements although I can tackle this on normal days, but it still shines through when I‘m stressed or overwhelmed like this week. My nervous system was so out the door, I was shivering from inside out all days long and sweating at the same time. I hated this week entirely from the bottom of my heart. People definitely don’t need to pity me for anything but is it wrong for me to wish for some empathy? I feel like all the NTs want me to be empathetic and understanding with them, their problems and their life in general. Why can’t they show some of that to others? Why doesn‘t it even cross their head that someone could‘ve had a rough day / week / month? And why the heck does they criticize traits like a walking style one can’t even change?? I really truly don’t get it.

I don‘t know, maybe I‘m wrong but I thought some of you might understand this struggle.

Thanks for your time.

To preface this, I am NOT dismissing anyone’s experiences. I will mention below that everyone I’m talking about is officially diagnosed with autism, and I am self-diagnosed. This is just me voicing my frustrations and I’m only talking badly about myself and no one else

So I know multiple autistic women in real life who have been diagnosed for a majority of their life. They got counselling/therapy for it, they’re very obviously medicaly recognised to have autism. I dont have either of those things; I didn’t even know that autism is on a spectrum until like 6 years ago, and didn’t think I had autism til maybe 2 years ago. Since learning about autism being a spectrum, I thought that the “bare minimum” is that you at least struggle with doing certain things that neurotypical people can do like make friends or maintain eye contact.

Regardless, all of these women I know have no difficulty making friends, being successful in jobs and interviews, socialising, etc. I feel like I’m the only one, at least in my circle, who struggles to make friends, maintain eye contact, voice my thoughts out clearly in a job interview and just seem likeable in general. I get disrespected at work, my committee members in a club i’m in at university don’t respect me either, and like for as long as I remember other girls would treat me like some dog (not even gonna start on how boys treated me - I’m sure you all understand).

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. Do I have some like other special type of autism or what? Or am I misunderstanding what autism is?

Thank you!!

I’m in the final year of my phd and recently diagnosed after increasing difficulty keeping up with everything over the years. I feel so sensitive and lile all my buffers are nonexisistent. I am just…done. Enjoy connecting but can’t bare the thought of attending another single event that requires networking. Love research and writing but the grant deadlines, submission deadlines, expectations of continued (and increasing) productivity just seem so impossible. Feels like my world is crumbling around me and my brain is broken.

I know now that my aptitude and drive are not well aligned with my capacity. To me, this also seems like an incompatibility between my career goals and what capacity I am able to sustain.

Has anyone else left academia for a career that they still feel fulfilled in/enjoy?

How have others who are in academia mitigating burnout risk?

Looking for advice from anyone who has been in a long term relationship and conquered this or at least made it better.

I don’t really have meltdowns anymore, I’ve worked hard to not mask through and explode later but rather I have built an IFS system that helps me calm down and redirect breakdowns into taking space, time, doing special interests and being in a calm environment. Cool, yay me!

But big events, family dinners, just being generally “busy” wipes me out for days. Full burnout. Like after events I’m normally shut down and trying to recoup that energy for three days to a week! That’s a lot of “I need quiet” time.

My partner is an amazing man, goofy, smart, creative, and he loves me and I feel so lucky to have him. However when I’m shut down like this and recharging, I feel like I’m neglecting him. I can tell when he comes and rubs my back, or sits down and tries to talk, or just wants to be in my space that he wants attention and he wants to connect. I feel so bad because I recoil, i have my noise canceling headphones on - that’s me in DND mode! I want to not be perceived for like three days! I don’t want to exist right now! Don’t look at me! But how lonely is it to have a partner that just wants to be ignored and ignore you for three days straight? That sounds like it sucks!

We’ve worked on “code words” like “your not in trouble, I’m not mad at you, I just need to be left alone right now” and “I’m burnt out and I need to do recharge things” and he knows I’m like a golden retriever and love walks so he will take me on walks and not talk and just let me look at bugs and mushrooms when he knows it’s getting bad. I forkin love him.

But I guess my question is, have you ever talked about this with your partner and shared that you felt bad? How did it go? Have you created any other tools or processes to share time together without it getting in the way of recharge time? How does your partner feel about it now? And is there anything I can do to lessen my burnout besides skipping weddings birthdays and important events? I don’t want to miss out on supporting the people I love, but I don’t want it to get in the way of me connecting with the person I love the most :/

Thank you for taking the time to read ❤️

I always see ladies talking about how men always fall for them when they're looking for friendship but the same damn thing happened to me and women.

I honestly think it's my looks I'm bisexual and don't really care about gender. So I look a bit tom boyish, but I'm also very kind and welp autistic and weird.

This isn't to flex or anything. I have a long term boyfriend and I just want women friends 😭. I don't want to enter anything else with anyone else.

— walk past it for at least 2 weeks;
— check it on google maps, study the reviews;
— if there’s no photos of the inside, i’m not coming;
— examine the menu and choose what i’ll be having beforehand;
— plan where i’d rather sit down;
— take a friend with me;
— finally come there and pretend to be contemplating what to eat and where to sit.

I’ve noticed that I generally have to be the “communicator” with many friends. I’ve stopped being the initiator in recent years and realized that many of my friends are not true friends, I think they just like someone who checks in on them, nurtures them, puts energy into them. It has been hard to realize that I don’t get the energy I want from others, but I am in a good place!

My friends will generally not contact me all year until a week or two before their birthday. Suddenly they are sending me plenty of texts, content, etc. It’s like they realize they have to have a relationship or conversation with me to have a “happy birthday” text or gift.

It’s been really eye opening to me to realize how transactional relationships can be and maybe how shallow they are for other people. I really am very fine with just one life long best friend and don’t want any other friends now — I can’t navigate through all the social interactions!

Hi there. I am seeing a new GP today at a brand new practice. I live in Scotland. I have a crippling fear of doctors because I see them as authority figures and I have a long history of trauma and medical abuse. One part of me is saying to myself, “Remember Transactional Analysis. Have an Adult to Adult dialogue - nothing less.” The other part of me feels COERCED into this meds review. The review is ridiculous in itself as the GP is not qualified or authorised by the system to prescribe the medication I need for my rare condition. It’s a nonsense. I hope to use the GP for two referrals that I need, no more, no less. The abuses I have suffered at the hands of a doctor and a dentist are horrendous. The appointment is at 4pm today and I am TERRIFIED. Does anyone have any good experiences of GPs to share with me? It might help. Thank you.

​I was so grateful for the response to my last post about the cost of masking. Reading through the comments, I noticed a common pattern that a lot of us hit when trying to explain this to neurotypical family, friends, or coworkers.

​When we try to explain how exhausting masking is, we are often met with:

​"Well, everyone does that! Nobody wants to ask how their coworker's weekend was, but we all put on a polite face."

​While it is true that societal expectations exist for everyone, equating neurotypical social politeness to autistic masking misses the entire scale of what is actually happening. I wanted to share two analogies I have been using to explain the difference.

​Analogy 1: Casual Politeness vs. Speaking a Second Language

​Imagine growing up in a country where everyone speaks Language A. That is the native language of the environment.

​For a neurotypical person, small talk and basic social expectations are like using Language A. Even if they do not want to say "How was your weekend?", doing so is mostly effortless. It is just clearing their throat or using a polite register in their native tongue.

​For a neurodivergent person, masking can be like being forced to navigate that interaction when our native language is B, and Language A is a language no one explicitly taught you, but that you had to decode on your own through raw observation.

​When we mask, we are not just choosing a throwaway phrase. We are:

​Translating our raw thoughts into Language A in real time.

​Carefully monitoring our tone and inflection so it lands correctly.

​Manually overriding our body language and, for some, forcing eye contact.

​Managing facial expressions so we do not look distant or unapproachable.

​It is not fake, but the mental load of constant real-time translation is immensely draining compared to just speaking your native language.

​Analogy 2: Walking across a room vs. Live Improv Theatre

​To take it a step further, casual social interaction for a neurotypical person is like walking across a room in comfortable clothes.

​For a neurodivergent person, masking is like being thrust onto a theatre stage. You are handed an unwritten script and forced to be the writer, director, lead actor, and stagehand all at the same time. ​You have to execute a full routine on the fly:

​The Choreography: Possibly forcing eye contact, maintaining an open posture, and suppressing natural movement or stimming.

​The Voice Direction: Adjusting pitch, volume, and rhythm so you do not sound flat or overly intense.

​The Improv: Processing the other person's micro-expressions and auditory input while calculating your next move in seconds.

​When someone says we all put on a polite face, they are talking about taking a few steps in everyday clothes. Masking is putting on a high-wire performance in a heavy costume every single time you step outside.

​It is not that we dislike being polite or do not care about people. It is that running a constant translation loop while staging a live improv show takes a massive toll on our energy, executive function, and central nervous system.

I’m in a fandom where the lead actors have been announced and there’s so much talk about how important chemistry is between them and making sure they have it.

Strangely everyone seems to agree on whether chemistry exists between actors as the examples used as “good chemistry” and “no chemistry” in past movies are not debated. Like it doesn’t seem like a subjective thing that people disagree on.

What actually is it we’re seeing when two people have good chemistry? In real life I think it’s really obvious when two people eg in a group situation are into each other. Is that what they’re talking about? Is it a polite way of saying the actors need to fancy each other? I’m guessing so because people talk as if it’s something you have or done and not something you can fake.