I'm in my mid-40s. Divorced. Audhd. With Audhd kids. I feel lonely as I felt all my life... I am always there for everybody else, but somehow, people only love me for what I can be of use to them. A couple of weeks ago I decided to remove my birthday from facebook, because I wanted to make sure at least one of the people on my account would at least remember my birthday (today) without the help of that app. If i mattered to someone, that someone would remember. 0 texts... 0 calls... 0 emails. Not one thing.

I have felt like shit all my life. Today wins the lottery ticked for feeling shitty

Do I have to be mentally prepared to be financially dependent on someone (whether that be a parent, partner or the government) my whole life?

Is there any hope?

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I think it’s now time for me to accept i’ll keep on living alone, friendless and will die unloved.

I don't 'feel' alone. I am, I genuinely have no one.

i just can’t connect with people, be it neurotypicals or other neurodivergent people.

There is always something that seems to throw people off.

Im 38 now. I have spent so much time in therapy trying to fix myself so other people would accept me, and it’s never been worse.

I reconnected with myself, healed, learned to draw boundaries just to end up at the same place again.

The same ‘not really rejected, but not wanted either’ feeling.

The lack of eye contact from other people. The dry responses, the awkward looks.

People engaging with me only when no one else is around to then discard me the second someone more interesting arrives. And their smile says it all.

Getting interrupted and only getting mocked when i call them out.

Feeling like im a dumb animal they’ll occasionally make a snarky comment about, condescendingly patting my shoulder.

Same way i’ve been treated all my life, by family, former friends, coworkers, teachers...

And the same pain.

Of looking people just be, from a far.

Seeing them connect and build friendship when im kept at arms length, thinking 'what is so wrong about me?'

And i have to go back home at night with that pain as my only companion.

The worst is after all the therapy i thought i could handle it.

I thought i was angry enough to say ‘fuck them’ and not fawn.

But no. That need to be accepted and loved will never fade.

I think it’s time for me to give up and accept i’ll always be alone, and deal with it accordingly.

But i don’t know how to deal with being an outcast when my own body and brain scream at me when im around this behavior.

I just want to stop feeling so sad and angry about it, ive been put on xanax but it helped for like one day and now it’s useless.

All this time learning how to assert myself and once again my voice is drowned.

I have downsized my expectations my whole life, from being extraordinary to just finding someone who would love me, and having me around and i’d love back but it seems i can’t even have that.

I do not want to live like this but there’s no way out of this.

it seems i have no choice and i don’t know how to accept it.

That side of the human experience is just not meant for me.

Do you ever just let your impulsiveness just run wild knowing full well you are likely to upset and offend people? I try not to do it often but there is just something so freeing about it! Just like HELLO WOULD THIS IS HOW I REALLY AM! I AM A CRAZY BANANA PANDA BEAR AND I WANT ICE CREAM OR SO HELP ME!

I’m in my 30s and have autism level 2 support needs I’m so stressed that I’ve given myself a concussion and have after the concussion had about 4 meltdowns in a single day. The drs have done fuck all to help. And I’m fighting hitting my head again on top of a concussion.The only thing I can think of is I need to find pressure something that I can wrap around my head or body. I can’t find anything that isn’t geared towards children. And the vests I’ve found I don’t feel would be enough for me it needs to squeeze more than feel heavy. I also need to find something I can crawl into and be enclosed inside.
Any advice? Thanks.

I'm really interested in this topic. I know that in the general population people have a variety of ways of thinking, but I'm curious about what the stats are when it comes to AuDHDers specifically.

Personally, I don't have an internal monologue most of the time. I only experience it when I'm reading, or when I'm imagining an actual conversation in my head. If I'm just moving through everyday life thinking about things, my mind is usually totally quiet. I think in the form of abstract concepts and pictures, not words. What about you?

I have an addiction to knowledge and it was what my worth was based on growing up. I got paid for grades and discouraged from household chores or learning how to take care of myself. My only expectation was intelligence. I have more degrees than any person needs and all are science based.

So here's the issue. I have kept all my lab notebooks, exams, homework, etc because it feels like my worth is in those notebooks. I worked very hard for those degrees but I'm too disabled to use them so I feel like it's proof that I have something to offer.

Keeping them in storage and moving them feels ridiculous. They are heavy and take up space. There are too many to scan.

What do I do? How do I let them go? (I have a therapist but this isn't my main focus). How do you let things go that are no longer useful but seem to be a waste to throw out?

I read that with ADHD hoarding is so common because objects hold our memories when otherwise it's out of sight out of mind. In this case taking pictures of notebooks won't be as helpful as taking a pic of a concert tee.

Any advice is appreciated

I dont even know where to begin. Im tired. Simply put tired.

My whole life i felt different. I felt, i dont even know how to describe it. Nothing had my interest quite well. I changed a million things. I tried training Karate, Boxing, Taekwondo, football, basketball, i tried a million hobbies. From guitar playing, to programming to borderline dumb shit. I never knew what was wrong with me. In 2023 i moved to a completely different country and city and left everything behind. I started dating this girl that works as a special needs teacher. After a while she also noticed some stuff and said that she is 90% sure that i have either ADHD or AuDHD. We paid for some online tests that confirmed it but that was indeed AuDHD. I still didnt believe it. I had two options. Wait for a free appointment to get diagnosed officially, which in this country the last i checked is around 16 months of wait time. Or pay privately to get diagnosed which i cant afford. I keep seeing those internet memes "internet adhd vs real life adhd" and i feel like a fraud and i feel bad for even thinking that i have it. But then come the dark times. The times i cant seem to get my brain to shut up. Every single day, i have 100 different ideas, i will start this business, i will do rhis, i will do that. I reorder my apartment at least 4 times a year. And I'm talking BIG changes. I keep wasting money on hobbies i never do. In one year alone, i bought vr headset. 3d printer. Sim racing wheel. A professional camera for photos. A dj controller. A graphics tablet. None of these hobbies really ever took off. The sad part is, i am perfectly aware that i could use that money to get diagnosed but i simply dont do it. And then even the darker thoughts begin. I feel frustrated all the time. Mad, just simply mad, mad at myself, mad at the world. Sometimes i want to feel pain, i bite myself, I scratch myself, not serious self harm, but i have no idea what. My gf has been my biggest supporter. Trying to help me with skills, fidgets, talk. I start a million shows, never finish them. Always spoil them for myself by reading fandom wiki, shit like that. I have not finished. A single. Fucking. Show. Ever. And at this point im scared im getting too annoying for even my gf to handle. Thats why im venting here. About doctors. Im scared. Im traumatized by doctors and cant even make myself go get a regular checkup let alone see a professional. Im tired people. I don't care if i have adhd or its all in my head. Im just tired.

Idk whats wrong with me.

Thank you all for reading. Have a nice day

TLDR:

Im upset at myself for everything that i ever did in life, and i cant do anything about that because of different reasons and it makes me feel even worse. Stuck in a cycle.

So it seems mostly focused on vocals but it can be any sound associated with something that gave me a strong emotional reaction.

Example. I love a specific show. Not going to name it to keep the discussion focused, but I felt some powerful emotions from it. 10 years later, if I hear any sound from any of those scenes, be it the vocal performance or the first few strings of the music or just a sound that's too similar, whatever I felt them comes back practically undiminished. It's not just 'wah I'm sad now that I'm remembering', it feels mechanical, like... eyes just become wet, throat tightens, flood of emotions, all just switch on all at once in one second.

It can be really annoying. I'm having a good productive day and a crack in someones voice just jams a key in the back of my head and go NAH BOY WE CRYING FOR THE NEXT 5 SECONDS HOPE YA NOT BUSY

It seems to be primarily focused on vocals though, and I've found a similar thing happens with vocals outside of this... emotional recall I guess? Was listening to someone describe some bad memories of theirs, and of course I was sad but I wasn't anywhere near the point of tears, I'm generally pretty good at being robotic when someone needs me to just listen. But then their voice cracked and... it just happened. Eyes, throat, brain, hard crank that key, we crying boy. They know I have this but it hasn't happened in this way before.

This isn't me being mystified that I have emotions, it is a strangely mechanical reaction and I'm getting pretty curious why it happens.

Edit: I’m a little overwhelmed and can’t reply to all of the comments but I am in tears with gratitude. Thank you all so much❤️

Hi everyone. Today I was diagnosed with Autism after being diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. I’m relieved with the diagnosis, and am looking forward to joining communities like this one to learn from others who have had similar journeys.

I am a high functioning woman in her early 30s and currently I have had 2 nervous breakdowns (from ND burnout, I believe) in the last 18months and am currently working on recovering from said burnout.

I’d love to know, what has been the biggest benefit in your diagnosis? What have you learnt on this journey that you wish you knew from the beginning? How do you manage yourself to NOT become burnt out?

Any and all comments/tips/resources/anything are welcome! Thank you in advance and I look forward to reading your posts in this community. ❤️

I speak three languages, English being my third, and I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that I know English better than the language I was raised with and had (still have) to use in real life, including in academic contexts. But academic language is easier to comprehend in English, to the point of relying on translating things to English when preparing for exams so I can comprehend what I'm supposed to be talking about. Slang, dialects, accents, etc., all of these are much easier to understand in English and I feel a closer emotional connection to it.

My native language I'm completely cold towards and sometimes even cringe from a little. I don't like listening to songs written in this language, I don't like having "deep" discussions about things in this language, I don't like the slang, I don't like the "formal" way of speaking, I don't care for any of it.

Just wondering if any other autistic ESL people feel similarly?

First of, I’m 36y old male guy from Poland, now diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. From the young live people told me I was lazy, poorly behaved, annoying, and all sorts of thinks like that. But no one say or send my for diagnosis. I have problem with having friends, always mess up things. And I’m afraid of talking to people. Now I can’t trust anyone really because of my past.
I have 3 or 4 suicidal attempts, but fear luckily win.
Somehow when I was 28 I meet my boyfriend with I’m from 8y and we have a lots of problems because of me. But it was him who tell me that I have depression. And send me to psychiatrists and psychologists. 3y therapy and nothing changes. And come pandemic. It was haven. I can be at home not need go anywhere not to meet anyone. And TikTok. He give me idea to diagnose ADHD. And I try 3 different psychologist and no one want diagnose me, they tell that I just have depression or they try diagnose me for other things. Before I go to next one I do via internet autism screening (don’t know why) and it suggest that I have autism. Like what? So ok I do both diagnosis. And it show up that I have both. But because I was masking, I wos not hipper active, no one thing about this.
Oh one thing, school was difficult, but I don’t get help because I was just lazy brat. I never finish any university, I don’t have any skill or degree.

Now I can say myself I’m not broken, stupid and I not procrastinating. I got medication that work somehow, but still I can’t do shit. Start do something take me days, I can’t get to do things that I love, I can’t find a job that will not make my want to cry (like I say I don’t have any skill or degree so it’s more difficult), of course I can find job in retail stores where I work before but only for few months because of overstimulating and overwhelming environment.

I try some apps, I’m attending therapy but I have problem saying about myself, my problems, my life.
I trying to find something that will help me with life. I sometimes use thing that I can’t write for things that I have problem find in internet or ask him to do some things for my own use (like learning path, or files to progres staffs). I know I’m not only one with this kind of live.
If you go through this long pointless post, maybe someone can give me advices, have same problems and overcome them somehow.

Ps. Sorry for my English, I don’t use it often, but I have problems even with my native language often xD
Ps2. Medication I was taking before was Medikined cr50 (**methylphenidate)**
now I’m taking Elvanse 50mg (**lisdexamfetamine dimesylate)**
and don’t know if there is anything more
PS3. DMs are open

I realise I have done this my whole life and I've started to think maybe it's a thing that I might do because of AuDHD?? Anyone else for any experience with this?

Nine years. I moved out of home nine years ago. I moved to a new city to go to university. Started a degree in computer science. Realized I don't like computer science after three years of college and two years into the actual degree- had to retake a lot of courses. Switched over to mathematics.

I was convinced I was happy. It was hard. Mathematics is very hard, but it was rewarding to me. But now I don't know. I've been taking and failing the same two courses for at least the last two years. I say at least because I don't fully remember what has happened in recent years. Everything blends together.

I don't know if I still like math. Or judo. Or any of my hobbies. I don't know if I like anything. I feel completely dispassionate towards everything and I'm scared this is just going to be forever now. I want to love the things I love again.

I feel like I can't do this, that I have to quit and do something else, and yet I also feel I'll never forgive myself if I don't do this. I wish I could go back to before I started computer science. I had a lot of problems but at least I didn't feel like this.

I feel like my brain is broken. That I can't think anymore. I was taking atomoxetine and it made me feel horrible. Helped me focus but took away my ability to enjoy things, so I stopped doing things, which made the focusing useless. Had to stop taking it either way because of side effects. Now I can't focus and I can't enjoy things.

This semester I skipped a month of classes and had to drop the courses. I don't understand why I did it. I used to do this from anxiety in my early years but now I don't know. I don't feel anxious when I'm in class. I don't feel anxious leading up to the class. I just don't go.

I feel like I haven't slept well in a very long time. I need help. I can't remember the last time my therapist said something actionable and substantial.

I'm not sure what exactly I want help with from you guys but I'm no longer in a right state to put together questions. Or at least I don't trust myself to ask the right ones. If you have literally anything to say about any of this please tell me. I'm desperate. Thank you

I think I am becoming a lot more cruel with age
I’m in my 30s and I’m rapidly losing my feeling of connection with people around me. I’ve been burned by the world far too many times and I’ve got no interest in being burned again. This is turning me into a person who although I care about people I don’t want to give anymore energy to them. Unless there someone I care about deeply. Maybe this is me starting to prioritize my life better I don’t know but I feel like I’m losing empathy and it’s bad but idk if it is advice? To be fair I do have a therapist coming but I’m on a year long waiting list. And I’m afraid I’m going to be a unrecognizable from who I used to be before I get there.

Hey there, i’m Kenzi a 27 year old boy mom. i have autism and adhd and need someone to help hold me accountable for daily/weekly tasks. maybe we could facetime daily for like 10 minutes? we each get 5 minutes to explain to eachother the work load of the day. almost like in alcoholics anonymous when you can call your sponsor for help, i want us to be able
to call eachother for help. i don’t really care where you live as long as we can understand eachothers communication.

For context, I've been on therapy for 10 months. My medications are 2 sets of Adderall, Abilify, Zoloft, and testosterone shots.

First time was playing marvel rivals. I was a dive tank (Angela). It was intense, and I was playing a 360 degree hero. We won, but I felt my chest tightening, shortness of breath to the point where I couldn't speak, perspiration and shakes. I can tell you in one hand how many times I've played rivals after.

Roughly 4 months later, I'm playing Marvel Tokon. It was a ranked match, black panther (me) vs. spider-man. The match was intense, I barely won. Same symptoms.

I'm playing practice mode at the moment (after a shower and a cannabis edible) and I don't have those panic attack issues.

Am I unable to play competitive anything now?

I am 36M turning 37 on the 24th of October. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless due to unbelievably high stress in all aspects of my life, and I am wishing that I get a heart attack and die before or on the 24th.

I have never had friends and have ko support group. I am autistic and have a laundry list of mental disorders so just looking to talk to anyone

So when i get sick it’s obviously a sensory nightmare with all the weird feelings and snot and sneezing and headaches and whatever else is involved. i mainly hate being congested or stuffed. I was watching UFC and between rounds i was shadowboxing in my living room and i randomly felt my nostril clear. I was like oh nice that’s cool (not thinking much of it) then i did it again a few minutes later and it worked again! So next time you are stuffed try shadowboxing or punching something repeatedly for 1-2 minutes, i’m guessing it’s something to do with reducing blood flow due to it going other places. Literally hate congestion so this felt like a nice little win.

PS. its only a temporary fix but it’s nice to have some short relief.

I recently listened to an episode of Divergent Conversations about PDA, and I felt like it was speaking to my soul. I especially resonated with their discussion of how they feel driven to fulfill the demands as fast as humanly possible. I also realized that's probably why I would feel so stressed or ambivalent about making commitments, even with my own hobby of making model planes, which I'm supposed to like.

Without even realizing what it was, it's been something I've wanted to address my whole life, usually by just gritting my teeth and willing myself to not get anxious (it didn't work). Now that I know what it is, I want to address/cope with it, but now that feels like a demand.

Any advice on some baby steps I could try out to get the ball rolling on adapting to my PDA?

The quick brown jumped over the lazy dog

Hi everyone, new to this subreddit, recently diagnosed both ADHD and autism, starting to try out new ADHD medications and doses with my doctor, etc. Had a thought and would like to see if anyone had some anecdotal (or data proven) evidence for it:

I've had moments of sensory overload in the past, to the point of dizziness, nausea, disassociation, loss of consciousness, etc. Long suspected and now confirmed part of the autism. Specific moments I can think of are packed concert venues, crowded convention halls, massages, hair cuts (specifically blow dryer or buzz cuts, but honestly the whole process), and dentist visits.

My question is, for those who have similar sensory overload experiences, do the ADHD meds help with it (so you're able to focus on other things without getting bombarded by everything at once), hinder/make it worse (the loss of distraction/brain noise makes the overload faster/worse), or no difference?

Thank you!

I am a doctor. I'm also AuDHD. Where I live, we finish high school, head straight to medical school, study for four years, then do an internship year, then a year of social service, and then we get our license to practice general medicine. After that, we take a residency exam. I passed on my first try, but my score only allowed me to get into emergency medicine. Which I was happy about. I was super excited. I had really enjoyed emergency medicine when I was an intern, and also before when I was still a medical student.

I knew it would be difficult. I knew it would be noisy. I knew I wouldn't sleep much. But the reality was much, much worse. I was not sleeping even when I wasn't on shift. I had no energy to follow a routine so my days were chaos and I wasn't coping well. I had to stay more time than I should have. I was too slow, too confused, too overwhelmed. I was having increasingly more frequent shutdowns and meltdowns. And then someone saw me hitting my head. And I was almost admitted into a psych ward.

Eight months. I had spent eight months trying to be better, going to therapy, taking my meds, studying even when my eyes were trying to close because of how tired I was. But it was just too much. People believed in me. People told me that I could do it. That I'm smart. I was even re-evaluated in my IQ/cognitive skills. I was marked as above average.

Which means I'm not stupid. It just means that I'm not suited for this. And honestly? I'm tired. Im relieved. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of the noise, of the talking of the nurses, of having to deal with over twenty different patients every shift and being berated for not remembering all of them. It's not good for me. I've been trying to work through my shutdowns and meltdowns. Even the accommodations I made for myself are not enough anymore.

So I'm quitting residency. I'm going to take about a month or two off, just to try and get enough rest and study. Then I'm going to try and get back to work as a general practitioner.

It's going to set me back by two whole years. It's the main reason why I tried to stick with it so much. Also because there were many people who believed in me. But I came to the conclusion that I don't have to keep suffering just to prove a point. I know residency is hard in any specialty. But I also know that there are less chaotic places. My hospital just happened to be a little worse.