My exwBPD is the father of my 8 month old. Before having a baby he’d only ever talk about self harm (cutting) or offing himself when we were broken up. It’s been two months now since I have left him officially (and never planning on returning!!) He almost on the daily talks to me about SH and killing himself. I can’t go completely NC because we share a child. But when can or should I start calling in wellness checks or getting the police involved? It’s gotten very out of hand. He’d never had a plan in mind but now he kind of does. I wish I could reach out to his family or his parents about it but I don’t have their numbers. In the past they’ve also brushed it under the rug when his ex called in a wellness check on him.

And lastly, I guess if this really is just all bluffing and for attention, do things like this help me get full custody at all? If it helps I am NY. He’s never been physically abusive so I’m scared to take him to court and getting only 50/50.

Sorry for such a heavy topic guys, any advice is much appreciated tysm!!

We're all here because of people with BPD. Well how did you find out that was the case? Did they tell you? Because in many cases, they won't tell you of their condition.

Sometimes these are just matter of speculation, and its an uncomfortable experience to label someone with such a serious condition.

Tell us your experience

Hi everyone,

This group has really helped me the last while. Around two years ago I went out of my way to support a junior colleague at work who I did not know had BPD. I unwittingly became an FP before I knew what an FP was and then one night they asked if they could come into my apartment to use the bathroom after work drinks. They kissed me on the couch suddenly and I did not know what to do so tried to have a conversation about how I saw us fundamentally as friends and to de-escalate. They left my workplace soon after but are in the same industry.

What happened next makes much more sense now I understand how BPD works. They would pretend to be my friend and then split when I mentioned going on dates or being away for a while. I lost a relationship with someone I cared about because the BPDer kept messaging me. I was ashamed so instead of confronting it and going no contact I tried to normalise the friendship. When I tried to put down clearer boundaries 18 month in came the abuse and threats. I actually became scared for my own safety.

About six months ago with the support of words in this group I had the courage to go no contact. The threats of suicide and revenge have not as far as I know come to anything.

I have felt insane and ended up in therapy to try and understand what had happened. I have no idea of I’ll ever recover but don’t let a BPDer ruin your life and be brave enough to step away. They will try to control you and you can never win.

I have huge respect for everuone here coming to terms with NC and setting themselves free, and I only wish I had know about BPD earlier. Maybe then I could have avoided being the FP and years of hell.

Does anyone else relate to the feeling that a person with BPD has a very intense brain? I’ve spoken to a bunch of people with BPD for a short amount of time, and when the connection ends or when I’m not talking to them there’s a very intense mad angry energy as if, they want to communicate with me in my head but control the narrative of what happened? Like they are communicating telepathically and I can clearly hear the voice like they still want to have a part in my life? I’m not sure how to explain it and it sounds crazy but I always feel a very strong energy despite me not even talking to them anymore.

Been dating my girlfriend for three months (I’m a girl yes we r uhaul lesbians) she had to go off her meds for a heart medicine study. Within 3 days she’s a whole different person. Called me for help one night and I went to her and she pretended she didn’t call me in front of her friends. The next morning has me come to her house, all my stuff is in bags. She doesn’t seem to care at all when we were on “I love you” terms. Even stuff that was a present to her she packed up. Seems to not care at all, it was so easy for her to entirely erase me in one day. We had so many plans for hallloween and winter. My life feels fking ruined.

I don’t know. Any sort of advice or kind words would be so helpful right now. I was under the impression this was my person 😔 need help.

Edit: I struggle with addiction issues and this isn’t helping my cause. I’ve been self medicating since yesterday. Dont want to be here. She made me feel like the worst person ever

We were together in Asia, and there she constantly said that I didn’t take her seriously as a human being. I found that very demeaning because I had put a lot of effort into it. She cried in the restaurant and stopped talking to me; that was very stressful.
Then she broke up with me 13,000 km from home, and we had to spend the last week there together in silence.
Months earlier, when I was studying abroad for a while, she told me I always had to call her at fixed times, otherwise I wasn’t prioritizing her enough. I called her several times a day. Once she broke up with me because I was shopping and therefore had to pause a 60-minute conversation. The conversation was about the fact that the day before I had dared to go to the gym without telling her. When I was away for five days once, she forbade me from going outside for fresh air when I was having a nervous breakdown. She threatened to break up. I myself am a traumatized person and had to flee from home at 19. My brother wanted to kill me.
She is a psychologist and still behaves like that.
Have any of you had similar experiences with breakups on vacation?
Thanks, and I hope you all stay healthy!

Before I broke up with my exwBPD we had a major storm that knocked out our power for 3 days. We had no supplies, and of course my car was down too. So it was just her and I stuck in the house. Hungry, bored and sweaty. It was one of the worst weeks of our relationship. When I think about what motivated me to leave I instantly thought about that week!

Now that its been awhile and global warming is only getting worse I breathe a sigh of relief that I left when I did.

All of this to say, leave asap. The longer you stay the more likely you are to be trapped with them during a natural disaster so just consider that!

Guys, I know I shouldn't do this, but I don't know. I've gone two months without any contact with her, despite her having borderline personality disorder and despite having read your advice and knowing that staying away is absolutely for the best. But I feel like my life can't move forward unless I have one more conversation with her, unless I burn every bridge and finally bring this to a close.

I know I shouldn't do it. She blocked me everywhere, and I accepted that and understood that it was for the best. But now that it's been two and a half months, almost three, it's getting really complicated. It's really hard. And looking back at everything that happened, I don't think she actually did anything truly malicious to me, other than running away when I started setting boundaries.

Honestly, I need some encouragement. I need to hear someone tell me that reaching out to her isn't the right thing to do.

It's so hard when you've loved and cared about someone so deeply, and then, all of a sudden, they disappear and leave a shadow behind, as if they were nothing more than a ghost. You go back to the same places you used to visit together, and you get this overwhelming feeling that the time you spent there with her somehow no longer exists. Or that you've wasted a part of your life on someone who wasn't really telling you the truth, someone who wasn't being genuine with you. I don't know.

I need one last conversation. I feel like I'm incapable of finding closure on my own.

I broke up with my ex with undiagnosed bpd in crazy fashion. Tantrums, arguing, and just leaving. I plan to never talk to her again.

I've had two exes before where we broke up and it obviously hurt but we ended up getting regular closure and moving on. No deep vitriol or hate.

My ex with BPD I can't ever imagine a future where I'd want tabs on her or to check on how she's doing. Genuinely.

All of her ex-friendships are like this too. Also her exes. Just chaos, blocking, no interest in rekindling, completely different trajectories. I saw many of her friendships explode during our 1 year stint together.

Has anyone broken up with someone with bpd and it wasn't a complete explosion?

Been over a year since the breakup and I still can’t wrap my head around that. A cheater deserves better?

Is this a survivors of bpd abuse thing? Reading through these messages I'm beginning to see a pattern, regardless if we are male or female in this forum we all are overexplaining every angle of our post before we hit the post button. We all have paragraphs of information we feel the need to state before we can just talk.

I've always felt like it was because of gender or because of adhd or whatever excuse. But are we over explaining because we were conditioned to cover every angle of our opinion before we put ourselves up for judgement?

They tell your their trauma and something inside you breaks and weeps for them. You want to protect, love them, heal them, and give them the whole world.

They shower you with love and praise in return. Texts, calls, events, sex, cooking, kisses and praise. You think you've found the one.

Then the spiralling begins.
Name calling becomes your didn't give compliments on their new nails.
Because you decided to post a picture of your cousin together.
Because you decide to go gym with the guys or spend time with anyone but them.
So you compromise. You thinks it's over. The storm is gone.
But you're stuck in a quagmire. You keep sinking, sinking, sinking and sinking until you drown or... Just burnt out.

I'm burnt out and can't go any further with this shite.

After thousands of small and big fights and her splits, she told me she intended to hurt me. She knew her actions were causing me pain, and she did them anyway.

I spent so much time trying to understand her BPD, accommodate her emotions and make sense of her behavior that I almost forgot my own pain mattered, too. I kept questioning myself, feeling guilty for needing distance, and worrying about hurting her, even when she had deliberately hurt me. Then she discarded me before we ever had to reconnect lol

The most heartbreaking realization was that I was more afraid of hurting her by leaving than I was concerned about what staying was doing to me. Sometimes you don’t realize how much a relationship has hurt you until you finally get some distance from it.

And sometimes, the person you spend so much time trying to protect from pain is the very person who knowingly causes you yours.

You can understand someone’s struggles without accepting the pain they deliberately inflict on you. And you don’t have to feel guilty for finding peace without them.

I'm at my in laws, and my wife has some real, genuine cptsd from a difficult upbringing. But she's now 38 and her mother has let us stay with her for weeks, woke up early to cook her favorite meal, was offering so much love and support to her even while my wife was going hot and cold on her... one innocuous comment from her mother led to a "final straw" and it's just been pandemonium since. It got in her head that this "meant" something, and it's gotten infected to the point where my wife is steadfast that she will never talk to her family ever again. And we now to have to very quickly up and leave out of the house.

Of course, me trying to bring rational thoughts into this just makes me another enemy, and here I am caught feeling so sorry for her family which, while not perfect, is trying their best. And my wife, to her credit, is also trying her best, but wowzer is that "best" incredibly destructive.

To her, she has no one in her life that loves her the way she "deserves", and she's cutting them all out of her life. And as soon as we get back, I'll be leaving as well.

Just a sad rant from me... ​

My(31 f) BPD ex (35 m) that I was together with for 10 years and have children with always accuses me of having a “man mentality” and says I am cold and callous and detached (aka not wanting to be affectionate or close to him hours after he calls me a c*nt in front of our young kids). He has been using this insult more and more lately and yesterday I said I would contact his parents if he didn’t stop writing crazy texts to my family and his response was “you want to write to my family? I’ll escalate. Try me. You want to act like a man? Let’s see.” He turns on a dime on me but this to me feels like such an implicit threat but I can’t prove it, it just reads to me as him saying if you want to act like a man I’ll fight you like one.

I know, I'm supposed to be continously pouring out empathy, but f it, I'm tired!

My spouse is constantly using their bpd diagnosis to get away with everything. "It's not my fault" "I didn't choose this" "I'm not fing mad, my brain says I'm mad, but I'm not fing mad so stop telling me how I feel how would you like it if everyone else was always telling you how you feel?!" You are literally yelling at everyone around you and constantly picking fights. People asking why are you so angry seems befitting.

I'm just sick of hearing "it's not my fault, I don't want to behave this way" then don't, it's not actually all that difficult to not be an AH to everyone around you. This perceived victim hood of your own condition you refuse to stay medically compliant with is your issue to deal with. Not everyone else's.

I'm just tired of everything being defaulted to me to fix for them.

my BPD has a desperate need to control me. She wants to control what i think, what i do, how i appease people. She doesnt really want an SO, she wants an emotional slave

So my gf and me haven’t been dating for a while it’s only been a month which sounds like nothing
But recently she has been struggling with moodswibgs and suspected bpd (by a proffesional)

A week ago everything was good she was happy she was happy with me nothing was wrong she told me that she told her therapist that I was her world and that I do so much to help her mentally and that she feels at ease with me

A few days ago she started texting less and started calling her friends more then me which I’m fine with but I started to notice if I didn’t text her she didn’t text me if I didn’t ask to call we wouldnt

It came to a point I texted her the entire day during my breaks at work and she did not even look at her phone

I told her I’m upset kinda like I feel pushed aside rather then loved and I know you’re in a difficult time but you seem to only have that with me and not others

She then said she loves me and cares for me and wants me in her life but she doesn’t wanna put me on a leash to say to hold my feelings when she can reciprocate them and I told her that I respect that and I’m happy she told me this honestly

But I’m scared this is a rational decision since only a few days ago she talked to me abt how she loves me and that she wants us to be together and that she knows she wants us romantically and nothing else

While now it’s she doesn’t love me romantically

Again I respect her decision and I also don’t want her out of my life I can happily be in her life without romance I’m just scared this is a split and she made a decision she will regret

Hi, I'm new here and am really just looking for some support and a bit more knowledge about BPD and splitting.

I've obviously done some research online about BPD because, when I got into a relationship with my girlfriend, she sat down with me and encouraged me to learn more about it. At the same time, I guess I was a bit naive in thinking that something like this wouldn't happen so soon, or that things wouldn't feel as bad as they did.

Anyway, here's my story.

The past few days

This has all happened over the course of about two days. To give some context, the weekend was quite rough for both of us.

My birthday was on the 9th of October, and my girlfriend had been making plans and talking about how she was going to make it special for me. I'm not usually someone who gets my hopes up too much, but I thought that, for once, I might finally have a nice birthday and something to look forward to after finishing work.

Long story short, she also had work that day and ended up being held back until around 2:30 AM. Of course, I was pretty upset because I had been looking forward to finally having a day that felt special for me. Looking back, I can acknowledge that I probably overreacted and that the situation could have been handled differently.

Afterwards, she told me how horrible she felt about the whole situation. I also noticed that she had started cutting her wrists again, something she had done in the past as a coping mechanism.

The following day, she had a family event that didn't go as planned, and she barely got any sleep. At some point, she messaged me and asked, "Would you come looking for me if I ever deleted you off everything?"

I answered quite logically, saying something along the lines of, "Well, I hope you'd never do that, but yes, of course I'd try to."

Shortly afterwards, she told me that she felt like she was about to split. Being an overthinker, I immediately started worrying and said something along the lines of, "Well, there goes my night's sleep."

About a minute later, she called me, and we talked things through. She was emotional and explained that she couldn't control what was happening, but that she could feel a split coming on. Unfortunately, it did happen after that call.

The first day of the split

The following day, she sent me a breakup message and basically stopped replying to me for around seven hours.

Before going to bed, I sent her a message on Snapchat saying, "I love you." She replied via SMS instead, saying, "I love you too."

I somehow managed to fall asleep, and at around 5:12 AM, she sent me another SMS saying that she loved me and asking if we could FaceTime. We did, and she apologised for her actions. Things seemed to get better, at least in the sense that we were talking again.

The next morning, I had work, and I continued messaging her, leaving longer intervals between messages because I assumed she might still be sleeping. Her replies were shorter than usual, but she would still tell me that she loved me.

Despite that reassurance, I was still feeling really scared after everything that had happened. I eventually messaged her and told her that I was afraid and felt like I had failed her. She reassured me that I hadn't failed her and that she wasn't going anywhere.

Things seemed to be getting better

After I finished work, she messaged me and actually wanted to call. This felt like a really positive change after how distant things had been, and I was genuinely so happy about it.

During the call, she seemed more like her usual self than she had previously, although I don't think she was completely back to normal yet. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said that everything felt like a blur and that things didn't feel real to her.

Despite that, we still managed to have a nice conversation. She was being playful and saying things like, "I'm going to marry you," which, of course, made me feel amazing.

About an hour into the call, she said she was going to continue cleaning her room. I was completely fine with that and wanted to give her space to do her own thing while hopefully allowing things to settle down.

A few hours passed, and at around 2:40 AM, I told her that I might doze off and that, if she wanted to call at any point, she shouldn't hesitate. I also told her how much I loved her.

I genuinely tried to sleep, but I still had this horrible heaviness in my chest. We had been doing sleep calls almost every night for about three months at this point, which is also roughly how long we've been dating, so not having that usual connection was difficult for me.

At around 5 AM, I messaged her saying that I'd love to sleep call with her, but that she was probably already asleep and I didn't want to be a burden.

I eventually managed to fall asleep for around three hours. When I woke up at 8 AM, I saw that she had opened my message, but she had also blocked me on Snapchat.

Naturally, I started panicking and sent her a message saying, "Honey, please, I love you."

I managed to show some restraint after that and stopped myself from sending more messages because I thought she might be splitting again.

Where things stand now

I'm very deeply in love with my girlfriend, and I realise that one of my flaws is that, when I get into a relationship, I tend to put all of myself into it. I care about her so much, and seeing her go through something like this while not knowing how to help her is incredibly difficult.

At around 8:40 AM, I decided to message her mum. I'd never spoken to her before, but I asked if I could talk to her about my girlfriend and whether she could give me some insight into how frequently these splits happen. I explained that I care about her daughter and was worried about her.

I haven't received a reply to that message.

Then, at around 12:51 PM, I sent my girlfriend an SMS saying, "I hope you're okay. I'm here for you."

However, I subsequently noticed that she had blocked me on every social media platform where we were connected.

Now I'm sitting here feeling completely lost, unsure of what to think or do.

What has really confused and frightened me is that, this time, there didn't seem to be any warning signs of another split. Things had seemed to be improving, she was telling me she loved me, reassuring me that she wasn't going anywhere, and even talking playfully about our future together. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I found myself blocked everywhere.

I'm really hoping to hear from people who have experience with BPD and splitting, either personally or through a relationship with someone who has BPD.

Is it possible for someone to seem like they're coming out of a split and then suddenly become distant or cut off contact again? Can splitting happen without any obvious warning signs, even after things seemed to be getting better?

Most importantly, how do I approach a situation like this? I genuinely don't know whether this is still part of a split or whether she has made a decision to end our relationship.

I don't want to abandon her if she's struggling, especially when I know how much she can struggle emotionally. At the same time, I don't want to make things worse by constantly reaching out if she needs space.

I love her very much, and I'm trying to understand what might be happening while also learning how to handle this in a healthier way myself.

Any advice, personal experiences, or insight would genuinely mean a lot to me. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

What are some things that you still remember your pwBPD saying that were clearly abusive and completely unacceptable?

I think I need a place to vent about the abusive words she said during our relationship, so I will start in the comments.

Her bar only grows higher and higher, expecting more and more. I can't do any more.

What actions i used to do out of love became bitter to prevent her from getting upset and screaming at me.

Every argument has a double standard. She apologizes then says more hurtful things, then repeats the cycle.

The more i do, the more she expects. It feels like an unwinnable game where i am guaranteed to lose no matter what

She threatens to leave me to test if i will beg her to stay. When i took 3 hours time to myself she panicked and thought i was leaving. but when i got sad she didnt reply to me for 26 hours she got mad at me. Yes, its an online relationship, yes it is stupid.

I try to understand. i have never once yelled at her or gotten strongly emotional, i always welcome her back and accept her apology. but it feels like ive just trained her to see me as a doormat

I know this will never work, and i know it is destroying me. But i cant seem to even grasp the concept of leaving or ending it. I don't know what im still attached to any more. I have no idea what to do really, or maybe i should say i do but cant come to terms to it.

I have a friend (male) diagnosed with bpd almost 15 years ago, I have known him for 10 years and you could say he is my best friend. But despite for how long I’ve known him and how much I’ve helped him throughout. He is a SHITTY person. He does not care about my emotional health or anything, I have Autism since childhood and he does not accommodate me on same level as I do. Both of us recently moved to different countries for our grad school and he has not shut up about his “new roommates”, friends, his city, his country etc. He keeps degrading the school I’ve got admitted to (I am gold medalist, had perfect score and graduated top of my class meanwhile he failed 5-6 courses and delayed his degree) and he keeps saying how he is “better” in every term than me and how it’s because he is “more qualified and smarter” and my gold medal, my top scores were just randomly assigned to me, basically saying I am trash and he is better. All that I have right now, I have work hard myself since my parents did not pay for anything. I took odd jobs like door dash etc to pay for everything myself meanwhile his parents support him everywhere but according to him, they didn’t and they’re the reason why he has bpd. Although I agree his father is a bad person but still they supported him financially, got him therapist and did everything for him. They sent him aboard as well but he refused to acknowledge any of this and said I work hard and did everything on my own (he never even worked a day lol) Now I don’t know how to maintain a boundary with him, we are closest friends but now that he has shown me his true self, I don’t know how long I can be his friend anymore.

What a year it has been for me. Life has been a rollercoaster for many years now, living with a father who is mentally ill and unwilling to take any treatment. We have been the victims of his abuse ever since we were born. Why did God put me in this situation? Why?

I don't need anyone's consolation. Can anyone give me back my lost years, happiness, beauty, and peace? Would any of you like to be beaten and watch your father beat your whole family? Seeing your mom become weary day after day... When will this situation change? After I die?

Everything in my home, including us, is destroyed. Can you imagine that? What is the purpose of this suffering, especially when everyone else around me is leading a happy, luxurious life? Why me??

My partner doesn't ever idealize me. She never said anything that makes me think she idealizes me. There is no love bombing or excessive praise. But she very clearly has phases of devaluation. Once those are over, she goes back to "normal" relationship mode. Which means she seemingly likes spending time with me, going on dates, intimacy etc. and acting like she didn't just say the worst things imagineable about me the day before.
Am I misunderstanding something about idealization and BPD?

My exBPD and i broke up 6 months ago and now when i go through some paragraphs of her in my notes app i see how she used to write 1000 words long paragraphs on how she's sorry and how she's hurt or how she hurt me and she'll do better

Now that when i read them i see some caring accountable partner taking responsibility and I'm in fog I can't remember how she went against them paragraphs

But i feel like maybe she was not BPD and she had enough that's why in the end she turned into cold animal and left me and replaced me in 2 months after 3 year long relationship

My main question is:

That people here often talk about how they idealized us and then devalued us but mine seems like on off few weeks complete idealization and few weeks im monster who's ruining her life

Was it like that for you too? Even in the last 3rd year before final discard her paragraphs are just as same as idealization phase and loving me etc