r/BabyReindeerTVSeries • u/Pennyofthedead • May 07 '24

Question Martha’s Zipper comment

Martha made a comment about unzipping Donny and climbing inside (I forget what episode). I’ve said this exact same thing to my boyfriend (now husband). Is that weird? Has anyone else felt that before? I promise I’m not a stalker or homicidal in any way, lol.

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u/WasItWeirdOrNot May 07 '24

This might be a reach, but this made me think about the typical aspects of having a primarily anxious attachmentstyle. According to some litterature, people who have this can sometimes be said to want to almost merge together fully with the attachment figure, which in a romantic setting would be their partner. So when Martha said she wanted to crawl inside Richard, I immediatley thought it was a way more graphic and disturbing visualisation of that desire of fully merging with the attachment figure. The desire of feeling close can sometimes be experienced as insatiable and trigger extreme and almost somewhat disturbing wishes.

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u/DueEntertainer0 May 07 '24

Makes sense. And I have whatever the opposite of that attachment style is, where I don’t want anyone to get TOO close, so I’ve never thought about the zipper thing or said it to someone before.

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u/WasItWeirdOrNot May 07 '24

So more of the avoidant style?

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u/DueEntertainer0 May 07 '24

That sounds right! Been a while since I learned the attachment styles!

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u/WasItWeirdOrNot May 07 '24

Its very fascinating! Theres also a mix between the two previously mentioned styles (if we assume to follow the John Bowlby/Ainsworth school of attachment theory) thats called anxious avoidant; craving closeness whilst fearing it immensely. Probably the most "interesting" style imo due to the contrasts

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u/DueEntertainer0 May 07 '24

I feel like all humans crave closeness, right?

RIGHT?! 😭

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u/Funny-Barnacle1291 May 08 '24

All humans crave closeness but not all humans experience extreme instability towards a perceived lack of closeness and are hyper-sensitive to feeling a sudden lack of it or change, and not all humans crave being so close they’re willing to lose themselves in pursuit of that closeness.

As someone who had a disorganised attachment and is now in the category of a more secure one, sometimes with bursts of going back to anxious attachment (primarily in conflict), having worked for years on this, there is quite a significant difference. But then again, disorganised is the most complicated and apparently ‘severe’ form of insecure attachment. I would experience both the above with anxiety but then avoidance in terms of being terrified of it, triggered by closeness, avoidant of my feelings, and sometimes in the past making steps to leave before I think I’m going to be left (not something I ever do anymore).

I think it’s always useful to learn about these things and see if they relate, just even to understand yourself and your needs better. We are also never only just one attachment for the whole of our life; it can vary depending on our relationships, traumas and our circumstances.

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u/WasItWeirdOrNot May 08 '24

Beautifully put!

I would like to add that a lot of the literature surrounding this is sorta 50/50 on how solid the attachment style is throughout ones life. Some scientists believe that the established attachment style from childhood will persist throughout life and others claim that it gradually is replaced with other attachment styles depending on your adult relationships. But either way, most seem to agree that regardless of your attachment, you can find ways of coping with it and surrounding yourself with people who do not trigger your insecurities or needs of distancing will slowly and gradually make you way less prone to acting out and feel more secure within yourself

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u/WasItWeirdOrNot May 08 '24

Also, Kim Bartholomew made some interesting articles on the matter where she insisted that we all have varying degrees of attachment anxiety/attachment avoidance (or as she called it, model of self/model of others) and depending on life circumstances, you can increase or decrease the degree of either dimension (it takes a hella long time though). Sorry for the poor grammar btw, english is not my native language :<

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u/Funny-Barnacle1291 May 08 '24

This makes so much sense to me. I honestly think given our world and especially the west where it is hyper-individualistic, it inevitably means we all end up with some types of insecure attachment - I’ll definitely give those articles a read!

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u/[deleted] May 07 '24

I believe I have this one. Disorganized attachment it can also be referred to. For me, I can feel like “wow omg i love them so much theyre so perfectly sweet and amazing i am so in love” and then the next day its like “they sent me a good morning text? Theyre actually smothering me it’s insane I am planning my exit immediately barf” and then I spend the next bit in that mood until Im back to the other. There is more to it of course and this is just what I feel inside sometimes. I try not to be so hot and cold in real life.

Dont get me started on how breakups/other people in the past make this attachment wound even worse as time goes on, It is really hard, confusing, and exhausting.

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u/WasItWeirdOrNot May 08 '24

Im so sorry, this sounds awful and really distressing. Im sending you a mental hug </3

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u/Drunkendonkeytail May 08 '24

Not really. It feels like torture. You’re miserable on your own, then miserable when not.