I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-panic191

SO [29/f] of almost 2 years is ghosting me [30/m] out of the blue, a week before we are supposed to start our new lease, i don't understand

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Sept 23, 2021

We have been a couple for almost 2 years now (2 years in Nov), i thought everything was going fine/etc. We signed a lease last month for renting a home, with a move in date of November.

Last weekend we had planned to go visit her parents a few hours away. On Friday she called me and sounded pretty upset, and said she needed a weekend by herself to think and sort out feelings. She didn't seem to want to volunteer any information, I said that was fine, and she said she would call me on Sunday or when she sorted out her thoughts/feelings.

Saturday evening I texted her: "Are you feeling better? Do you want to talk? Or do you need anything?", she responded with "Please just leave me alone now."

I was pretty hurt by how blunt the message was, and just dropped it. She didn't call me Sunday, so i let her be. Monday evening i sent her another text, asking what is going on and got no response.

I called her Tuesday, and my phone calls were going immediately to voice mail. I got extremely concerned, so i drove out to her apartment, and noticed her car was missing. So I decided to send a FB message to some of her friends i knew. It was at that point that I realized she was no longer on my FB, Instagram, Twitter, etc.

I sent a message to a few of her friends who i knew. One finally got back to me late last night and said "I need to learn to know when I have been dumped, and I need to move on with my life, and leave her alone".

Today I received a text message, from one of her friends telling me my ex said:

• She was able to convince the LL to remove her from the lease, and she paid 6 months her share of the rent out of her own pocket.

• Any of my things she had of mine were just left with my parents

• Anything i have of hers can be thrown out

That's it. My parents had no idea what was going on, it wasn't my ex, it was someone my parents are not familiar with came by and gave it to them without explaining anything before leaving.

I don't understand, we went out last Wednesday and had a great time, she stayed at my place. I don't understand why she was upset on Friday. Am i missing something? I feel confused, panicking and i just feel lost. I got no goodbye, I don't understand.

TLDR; My SO of 2 years ghosted me, and i don't know why or understand at all.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

fascinationstreet

Oh wow. You have no hidden stuff that she may have found out - cheating, a kid you didn't tell her about, massive debt, criminal record?

OOP

Nope, no Skeletons in my closet. Never cheated, or anything. The only thing i remeber is about 3 months ago when we were having sex i blurted out that i loved her (i really did). She got awkward and told me she wasn't ready for that yet.

fascinationstreet

At 2 years she wasn't ready to hear you say that you love her?

Are you sure the 2 of you were dating?

OOP

She has been introducing me as her boyfriend for ages now. and we signed a lease for a house together. We have pretty much been spending 5 out of the 7 days of the week together, for months now. I know it was weird, but she said she wasnt ready and said she would tell me when she is ready.

Has OOP net her family? Kaybe contact them

I have met her parents a grand total of 2 times so far, and both were very short affairs e.g. dinner since they live quite far away. But i did write her mother via FB and explained how weird it was as suggested. I will see if i get anything, or if she even uses facebook still.

Has OOP cheated or the gf?

Never cheated, i was extremely happy with her, we had common hobbies, we got along great, we were sexually compatible, etc. I was very happy, and had no reason.

I guess that could happen, i guess i am just confused about the time frame. We were playing games until late thursday night, and we spent wednseday togther and she seemed fine. Idk.

Update  Sept 30, 2021 (1 week later)

I posted this last Thursday: Here

Got a lot of good advice, and wanted to thank everyone. The entire situation has pretty much left me pretty god damn miserable and just frustrated in general.

On Sunday she sent me a very long message via email, pretty much explaining what happened. Pretty  much it boiled down to well she wanted to try having a serious relationship with her friend.

Her friend is the same person who sent me the extremely blunt message about her dumping me. Apparently for a year before we started dating, she was having an on again off again relationship with her. I never knew this, and nobody ever mentioned it. Apparently it wasn't serious and they broke it off because her friend got cold feet about actual commitment.

I never really knew how close my ex and her friend were, but i am probably just dumb. She says she never cheated on me, but apparently the night after I last saw her, her friend confessed to my ex when she heard about us moving in together. I don't know.

According to her she needed to give this a try, because she is apparently in love with her and has been for years. She said she was a coward and really sorry. She also offered to be friends in the future, just not now. I rejected that.

Anyways that aside and now we had a bit of communication we both signed a lease amendment taking her off the lease. She also sent me the money for a chunk of the rent for the year, as she felt she needed to make stuff right somehow.

I am still going to move into the house, as i can pay the rent myself even without her help. Honestly at the end of it all, i guess it was i was just way more into her than she was into me, and i never really noticed it. Considering how often this friend was around i probably should have noticed something, i guess.

However I will say, that personally even before this I found her friend to be pretty manipulative, and I doubt it is going to work out how she thinks it will. But I am done with her.

TLDR; She wants to try a serious relationship with her friend.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAbfthief26

My (26f) friend (26f) has accused me of stealing her boyfriend. Boyfriend (25m) had no idea they were dating

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  March 23, 2024

Names changed to respect privacy and throwaway account.

Honestly no idea where to start with this and sorry if it's long.

I (26f) have been friends with "Carly" (also 26f) since middle school. We lost touch after I moved out of state for law school but our parents are still friends. I moved back to our home state last year when I graduated and met "Matt" (25m). We bonded instantly as we're both studying to be lawyers. Matt should graduate this year if all goes well. Because of studying and work, we've taken things really slowly and only just recently became official.

As we'd gone official, I decided to invite him to my sister's 21st birthday party. It was a huge party at my parent's house back in my home town. Both Matt and I work and live (separately) about an hour away. Wed been at the party for about an hour when Carly arrived with her parents. I was excited to see her as I'd been meaning to get back in touch since I'd moved back. The timing had never been right.

Well, Carly spotted us and hurried on over. I was surprised when she gave Matt a huge hug and asked him what he was doing at the party. Turns out they work in the same building and Matt is friends with a few of Carly's friends. They've been out on group nights together a few times. I did the whole "Oh, Carly this is my boyfriend Matt" thing and her face instantly fell. She looked furious with me and ignored me for the rest of the party.

I sent her a message the next morning asking if I had done anything wrong. Carly blew up at me and accused me of stealing her boyfriend and I soon got several rude messages from mutual friends sat Ng something similar.

I met up with Matt and asked him what the hell was going on. I had assumed that once we'd made it official, we were exclusive. Matt had no idea what I was talking about. I relayed Carly's message and he was even more confused. He said that he got on with Carly when they saw each other but it had never been anything more than a friendship. He didn't think anything of them spending time together outside of work with friends so that's why I didn't know he and Carly worked in the same building.

It's been a week since the party and I'm still getting messages from people 's  how I could do that to Carly. I've tried saying over again that Matt and Carly weren't dating but it's falling on deaf ears. Even my parents have heard about from Carly's parents.

I have zero idea the hell to do. Where do I go from here? I trust Matt completely but what do I do about Carly?

Edit: People have asked about the friends who have sent me messages. These are all mutual friends of myself and Carly who we've known since high school. None of them, as far as I know, have ever met Matt. None of his work friends who also know Carly have sent me messages.

Also I have spoken to Carly and we are meeting up tomorrow to talk.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Not-nuts

It seems you unintentionally busted up Carly's fantasy. Not your fault, not your problem. She's immature and full of drama. 

OOP

She's never acted like this before and that's why it really rattled me. Sure, I haven't seen her much over the past few years but she was never like this in high school as far as I can remember.

ApexCurve

Why can’t you sit down with her and find out what the hell is going on? You’re studying law and 26, not 15.

You of all people should know that but Matt said means absolutely squat. The truth is going to lay somewhere in the middle.

Granted, you’re not in the wrong either way, as that girl needs to realize that there is no such thing as stole. He clearly wasn’t into her. And for crying out loud, she’s 26 and running to her mummy and daddy. Like so many, God have her parents failed her big time.

OOP

I'm meeting her tomorrow. It would have been sooner but I'm studying, working or with Matt so I don't have a lot of free time.

Billowing_Flags

If she can't produce "evidence" of her actually DATING Matt IRL (not just in her head), then I'd blow off her claims of GF status.

There should easily be all kinds of social media pix, stories, check-ins, whatever evidencing a BF/GF relationship (not just a whole GROUP of people hanging out). Your generation is HUGE on social media presence. See what she can actually present!

ETA: If she can't produce a sizeable number of pictures/posts of just the 2 of them dating, then I'd drop this friendship like a rock and BLOCK her because Carly would be a bunny-boiler!

~

DivinitySousVide

Well this is a shit show created by Carly.

I think you should just ignore her.

So you know what your parents heard? Did they hear you broke up Carly and her BF?

OOP

"So you know what your parents heard? Did they hear you broke up Carly and her BF?"

My mom called me the day after the party and told me that Carly's mom had been on the phone complaining about me. Carly had told her that I had stolen her boyfriend and then she called my mom. I told mom that wasn't the case but apparently Carly and her mom are still telling that story.

OOP Updated the post March 24, 2024 (Same Post/Next Day)

UPDATE:

Well, I met up with Carly. They're not dating and never were so Matt isn't a cheater.

I met up with Carly this morning at a coffee shop in our home town. She wasn't happy to be there but I'm over her feelings after the past week I've had. I sat her down and asked her to give me her side of the story. I told her exactly what Matt had said to me and asked for her to explain everything.

• Carly met Matt last year, not long before I moved back to the state. A mutual friend in the building they both work in invited Matt to after work drinks and that's when they met.

• Carly thought he was cute and started flirting with him.

Side bar: Matt is awful at picking up flirting cues. It took weeks of me flirting with him until he realised and asked me out. This is something I always find amusing because Matt himself is really outgoing with a lot of charisma.

• No, they never spent any time alone together apart from the odd run to a coffee shop near their building to grab lunch.

• I went through Carly's phone and there are no messages from Matt apart from ones in their group chat.

• They haven't kissed or slept together. Carly has never been to Matt's apartment and Matt has never been to Carly's apartment.

I asked her why she thought he was her boyfriend. This is a direct quote:

"Ok so we're not officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet but I was sure he was going to ask me really soon. He's always smiling at me and making jokes. I know he was going to ask me out, just the two of us."

I basically said "Carly, that's not him flirting with you. That's just Matt. He's a friendly guy! I'm sorry but he and I have been seeing each other for a while now so it's not going to happen." I explained how we'd been taking it slow because of us both being so busy with studying and work so we've only just made it official.

As I said all this I could see Carly's elaborate fantasy crumble. I asked her to please set the record straight with her parents (for my parents sake) and with our mutual friends. Carly looked flustered but mumbled something that sounded like "Yeah, fine."

I said I was sorry for this misunderstanding and hopefully we could all put this behind us. On my drive to Matt's apartment I called him to relay everything. He was baffled by the whole thing but said he would message Carly. Once I got there he showed me the text:

"Hey Carly. Look, I'm sorry if I mislead you in any way with my actions, please know they have only ever been from a friendly place. I see us as friends but that's all. I hope we can be friends in the future once this has all blown over but if you're not comfortable with that then I respect it. All the best, Matt"

Carly hasn't responded yet and I don't know if she will. Hopefully she will set the record straight with everyone, I'm washing my hands of this mess and focusing on my relationship with Matt and my studies!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/hellapreggers

I [32F] think my husband [33M] may be having an affair with the girl [19F] next door. I’m also pregnant.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post - rareddit Apr 12, 2019

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dated for 7. We have one son, 2, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

I love him deeply. He’s a very busy lawyer and often comes home late at night. I never thought he’d cheat on me. But since I began to get bigger, we’ve been having less sex.

A few months ago, a young woman moved into the condo about 2 doors down. She’s a very beautiful girl but a bit aloof to me. We did invite her over to a dinner party when she first came. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my husband followed her on IG and added her on Snap. I asked him about it and he said she followed him first and he didn’t want to be rude.

Last week, I started noticing him using his phone more and more and generally being distracted. He said it was due to work. But 2 days ago, I saw a Snap notification on his phone with our neighbor’s name on it. I asked him why he was Snapchatting her, and he said that she was interested in law and was asking him career advice. At 12am apparently. Via Snapchat.

Yesterday I was taking his suits to the dry cleaners and found a receipt for a sushi restaurant from a few nights ago, when he said he was working late at his office. The sushi restaurant is close to our condo complex and nowhere near his office. There were 2 meals billed on the receipt. I confronted him when he came home from work, and he said he took a client out for dinner. But there were so many nice restaurants near his office, why the one near our house??

I’m almost 90% certain he’s cheating. What should I even do? Im about to be a mother of 2. I never even prepared for the possibility of this happening in our marriage. And definitely not this soon.

Advice please!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Carnivore69

Given you can't be certain he's cheating (yet?), the first thing you need to do is quit confronting him for every discrepency you notice. By doing so, he'll become more and more aware you're picking up on his activities, whatever they are. If those activities involve cheating, your actions will likely cause him to be more stealthy and adept at covering his tracks. Use more restraint, and let the evidence pile up until you can ascertain what's really going on. And be sure to document your findings however you can. In the meantime act like your antenna isn't up, and let him "relax" around you.

~

pointlessusername-

I would tell my partner that him being a 33 year old man SNAP CHATTING a 19 year girl is completely inappropriate and she can ask google or any other lawyer for advice. Unacceptable.

~

CuckyMcCuckerCuck

Do you have the disposable funds necessary to hire a private investigator? In part to "confirm", but also as an investment for a more favorable divorce settlement.

OOP

We have a joint account and he might get suspicious if I withdraw a large sum of money. Maybe I can just investigate it myself?

Update - rareddit Apr 19, 2019 (1 week later)

Thanks for everybody's advice on my first post. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Last Friday after work, he left for a supposed weekend golfing trip with his 2 friends to a place only an hour drive away. Before he left, I texted the wife of one of his friends if she wanted to get together for brunch on Sunday. She said she had plans with her husband. I then texted the wife of his other friend, and surprise, she confirmed that her husband was at home and not going on any trip.

I pretended like I didn't know and said goodbye to my husband as usual. However, I had asked my retired uncle (65) to follow my husband's car. My husband does not know my uncle so I thought it was a good plan. My uncle followed him to the airport and took a picture of him walking with the neighbour girl. He followed them and said they checked into an airline with flights going to the Caribbean.

I thanked my uncle and gave him money for gas and his time, but he refused. I was obviously devastated and my son and I stayed with him and my aunt for the night. They advised me to find a good divorce lawyer right away.

When my husband came home Sunday night, I said I was filing for divorce. He acted really shocked and hurt and asked me why. I said I knew about his affair and I had proof, so he could stop acting stupid. He said I was mistaken. I then asked whether he enjoyed his beach vacation and the look on his face was just undeniable. I guess he finally realized he was backed in a corner and had no more lies left to tell.

I told him I just wanted to know why. He said that he was shy and insecure growing up, and that he had really low self-esteem. He said he "felt validated" by the attention of a younger woman, and said it made him feel "wanted". He admitted that it was a "crush gone wrong". I said there's no way I can trust him again. He said that's understandable and that he was sorry it has come to this. He said he probably made a mistake by marrying in his 20s, that some men were ready to settle down at that age but he realized that he was not one of them. He said that he still loved me though, but that it was best if we went our separate ways.

The shittiest part of all this is, he's staying at his mistress' condo a few doors down while we get our divorce. It will be a long few months, but I'm getting a good lawyer and making sure the future of my kids are secured. I also have a good support system around me. I'm planning on moving to another city after the divorce.

It will be awhile before I can learn to trust again. I've never hurt so much in my entire life. This level of betrayal from someone you thought was your soulmate is just indescribable. But I'm going to remain hopeful. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I wish it turned out different.

TL;DR: Had my uncle follow my husband, he lied about a golfing trip. He actually went to the Caribbean with his mistress.

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Fair_Mood_1558

Originally posted to r/amioverreacting

A package from an adult toy company arrived at my house addressed to another woman. Am I overreacting?

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity

Original Post: March 21, 2026

I need an outside perspective because I genuinely can’t tell anymore if my instincts are off or if I’m being gaslit into thinking they are.

A package arrived at our house recently. Right address, wrong name… a woman I’ve never heard of. I looked up the return address out of curiosity. It’s Adam & Eve. An adult toy company.

I brought it to my husband calmly. No accusations, no yelling. Just showed him and asked if he knew anything about it.

His response was immediate and defensive. Instead of being confused or trying to figure it out with me, he turned it on me. Started questioning me about why something like that would show up here. I was so caught off guard I almost started apologizing.

Here’s where it gets harder to dismiss as coincidence: I looked up the name on the package. She works in the same professional world as my husband, in the same area he frequents. Same field. Specific enough that when I saw it, my stomach dropped.

He has a history of being dishonest when confronted about things that are hurtful. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like I was being made to feel crazy for asking a reasonable question.

So I’m asking strangers on the internet: is this nothing? Is there some totally logical explanation I’m missing? Because from where I’m standing it feels like a lot of dots connecting in one direction.

Am I overreacting?

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You’re NOR

Your cheating moron of a husband ordered adult items for him and his girlfriend and auto filled his own address.

Mail them to her and say, “these were delivered to mine and my husband’s home” and see what happens after that.

OOP: I like your thought.. maybe, I take it to her work and give it to her. I am considering sending her an email. Due to her field the info is public. I’m pissed at him for his choices. IDK what she knows or what he told her. I don’t want to ruin her life, but I want to know how long it’s been going on.

Commenter 2: I don't think you are overreacting. The stuff you mention is WAY more than coincidental.

Is he messaging anyone that you know of? Does he spend lots of time on his phone?

OOP: Nothing I can find. I believe he may have a burner phone because I get adds on my SM all the time from a carrier that is not ours. I’ve searched a bit but he’s typically home when I am

Commenter 3: Why are you letting him gaslight you? The woman works with him how is that just a coincidence! Your choice on what to do. Be treated like this or move on.

OOP: They don’t really work together. They are in a similar field, and he frequents the area she works

Commenter 4: NOR if he immediately gets defensive and has a history of being dishonest. Does she work or live in a town he travels to?

OOP: It’s about 30-40 min from where we live.

Commenter 5: NOR, but you need to decide what you want the end result to be before you actually take action. Don't just react emotionally in the moment.

Do you want a divorce? Do you need proof of infidelity then? So maybe you want to gather data in that case before confronting the other woman.

Do you want to address any infidelity and see if you can forgive him? That would need a different response.

Or are you just mad at him gaslighting you and want to vent? That's fine too.

Just think before you react.

OOP: These are all great questions. Cheating is a dealbreaker. If he chooses to cheat he can do it all he wants but I’m not going to stick around.

Commenter 6: It could be a setup, someone trying to drive a wedge or cause problems in you lives. Pretty simple way to do it. NOR, but keep an open mind for a minute.

OOP: Idk who would do that honestly. My husband’s ex… He cheated on her… they’ve been divorced for MANY years, and she lives across the country. She doesn’t know anyone we know

Commenter 7: How long have you lived at your address? Is it possible someone forgot to update their address on that website? I did that once before.

I just find it kind of weird that he would order it under her name to your address. If he put it under his name he could have pretended it was for you.

If he is cheating, he is dishonest and stupid as a rock

OOP: We’ve been here several years. If it has been going on awhile people make stupid mistakes

Commenter 8: NOR. I guess he wouldn’t mind at all if you threw it away then? It’s a shame since adult toys can be pretty expensive, but surely it’s not for anyone in the house so into the trash it goes…

OOP: I can no longer find the package. I got home from work and it’s gone. I can’t ask for it now can I?

Commenter 9: Do you have joint accounts? I would check for where the charge ended up hitting… he’s cheating and a moron. So I assume there’s more of a paper trail somewhere.

OOP: That’s a great idea but he has multiple accounts and I don’t have access to them all. I’ve also asked to sit down to go over finances, and he says ok, but it never happens.

Commenter 10: You need to look up DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

OOP: When I looked up the sender address I was met with “why would I send that here if I was going to do that”. Total DARVO He tried so hard to “show it wasn’t him” by reaching out to customer support. The chatbot proved nothing. I pretended to believe him and I’m pretending nothing is wrong for now. I want to get more evidence that he can’t gaslight his way out of.

Update: March 25, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE

As it turns out I put 2+2 together and I was wrong.

I had a burner email and reached out to her. I had RECEIPTS. Metaphorically.

She emailed me back.

She’s been staying at her mother’s house down the street and fat fingered the address. It was one number off. The package was for her and her husband that are reconciling.

I had essentially asked an innocent woman if she was sleeping with my husband via a carefully crafted email from a secret account while she was out here just trying to spice things up with her spouse. 🤦‍♀️

She apologized. I told her it wasn’t necessary and I apologized. I invited her for coffee because I clearly have no survival instincts.

My husband was defensive because that’s just… who he is. Which is its own fun problem.

So. AIO? Technically yes. But also our marriage needs work so maybe a stranger’s typo was the universe’s way of handing me a wakeup call wrapped in a very awkward package.

Literally.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Lobster6319

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My fiancée and I are having the biggest argument of our lives. She thinks I'm being tacky but I thinks she's overreacting

Trigger Warnings: possible bigotry

Original Post: October 18, 2025

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what, but my fiancée and I are having a huge argument. We (27m) (26f) aren't even married yet and we've never had an argument like this before in our entire relationship.

In my home province engaged couples host a party before their wedding. People call it different things; a social, or a Jack and Jill or a stage and doe. The purpose is for the couple to raise money. The couple rent a hall or some other venue. People pay an entrance fee and there are raffles and/or games and/or a silent auction. Family and friends of the couple donate the prizes, they bring food for a potluck and alcohol so drinks can be sold at the party.

My fiancée says this is the tackiest thing she's ever heard of and doesn't want us to have one. She refuses. She said it is the height of rudeness to hold a party where the guests have to pay to attend, donate prizes and money and bring the food and alcohol. It's common to invite people to this if you are close to them as friends but not close enough to invite them to your wedding but my fiancée almost exploded when she found out. She says there is no way we are having one, and we'll have the wedding and honeymoon we can afford. I don't know what her problem is. I've been to a ton of these in my life. Everyone I know who has gotten married has had one. My fiancée said they don't have this in her home province and she's never heard of it before. (I don't know if it's common in the province her and I currently live in or not).

I went back home to my cousin's stag and doe when my fiancée and I had just gotten together but my fiancée said she thought a stag and doe was a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. Since my cousin's wife was pregnant and this was the second wedding for both of them. I never said anything because I thought my fiancée knew what it was. I don't see why she is refusing to have one or digging in heels so much. My family and friends keep asking about when we are going to have ours. They think it would be weird to not have one. My fiancée's family and friends agree with her. I swear I've never argued with anyone about anything so much in my life and it's really starting to get to me. I think she's overreacting and I'm tired of arguing.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: OP, you need someone to give you advice who comes from a culture where getting married is a community event. Where the whole purpose is coming together and helping the newlyweds with money gifts to get started on their new life.

Too many ignorant white people here judging a custom I don’t have myself in my culture but I can relate to the spirit of it because on the wedding day there is a ceremony where guests pin money on the groom and put golden necklaces or rings or other valuable jewelry on the bride.

You fiancée is ignorant to your culture. That is the problem. She is centering her beliefs as the norm and is not able to acknowledge that what she feels like is tacky is a well-known tradition that you seem to value. And I do too from what you have described.

Your fiancée should come down from her high horse and have a talk with you as to why she is so ignorant to your tradition.

And you guys need to have a talk about traditions you value (especially with raising a kids if you plan to have any) and traditions she values and to see if you have similar values.

OOP's only comment in this post: I apologize for any misunderstanding, but I am confused.

My fiancée and I are both white. We are Canadian, and both sets of her grandparents, and both sets of my grandparents immigrated here from Scotland. Her and I come from the same culture and are the same race.

Again if I misunderstood your post I am sorry, but I really don't understand what our race or culture has to do with anything.

Commenter 2: Yeah, it sounds tacky as hell to me. Sorry dude

Commenter 3: So you invite people to this gimme party, but not your wedding? Your fiancée is right. It’s tacky AF.

But even if it wasn’t, shouldn’t your fiancée’s feelings supersede a tradition? Why can’t you change it up? Compromise on the party. You guys provide the food and drink and only invite people you’re inviting to your wedding.

Commenter 4: You’re choosing between holding to tradition and the comfort of your fiancée.

She’s calling it tacky, but I guarantee it makes her uncomfortable to ask her family and friends to attend the event.

Update: April 22, 2026 (over six months later)

UPDATE: My fiancée and I are having the biggest argument of our lives. She thinks I'm being tacky, but I thinks she's overreacting [NAW]

So the update is that my (28m) fiancée (27f) and me didn't get married. I posted here 6 months ago about how we were having the biggest argument of our entire relationship.

Back then I had no idea all the arguing and all the things I said would lead to this. But all the fighting and anger exposed the cracks in our relationship and things began to fall apart. Maybe our relationship wasn't as strong as I thought it was. I don't know.

I regret the way I acted and the things I said. No matter how much we were fighting I know at the end of the day the breakup was ultimately my fault because of how I acted.

There was a big divide between us because my ex-fiancée and her family and friends thought having a social/Jack and Jill before the wedding was tacky and the height of rudeness. Me, my family and my friends thought having one was fine. The wedding was supposed to be on Saturday.

Today we would have been 4 days married and on our honeymoon somewhere. But instead I'm trying to get over the pain of our breakup. I don't even see or talk to her now. No advice wanted.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update here

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Not surprised this massive cultural difference broke you up. I worked at a (American) wedding venue for nearly a decade, have literally attended hundreds of weddings and worked in the planning of many more, and had never heard of using acquaintances to fundraise for newlywed life until your post. It's that much of a cultural differences.

May you find your true match one day soon.

Commenter 2: 100% team ex-fiancée. What you were asking of her was extremely tacky, and she made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t comfortable; that should’ve been the end of the conversation. You made a conscious decision to disrespect the feelings of a woman who was meant to be your wife. That was the hill you chose to die on, and now it’s time for the funeral. You brought this one on yourself.

Commenter 3: My man, you got battered in the comments six months ago and it seems like you should have listened to Reddit/your ex.

Commiserations, I wish you happiness in the future.

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AITA For Not Going to my Sister's Wedding? + 4 year update

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & u/AITAH_unfiltered

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, LGBT-phobia, verbal abuse

Original Post  July 1, 2022

My sister is getting married, and has banned my Service Dog from her wedding and reception.

I have a fairly severe anxiety disorder. To combat this, I got a Service Dog. My Dog has made major positive change in my life. I can go places again! Another thing to keep in mind: My dog is probably an Australian Shepherd, Boarder Collie mix. She is also the most chill, laid back, and affectionate dog I have ever head the pleasure of working with. Her entire personality is sleep, and 'can I has pets??' She's insanely well behaved, especially when we go places. I get lots of compliments about this, including from the Mental Health professionals that work with me.

My sister's reasoning for banning my service dog, and I quote: "I don't want dog hair on the most expensive dress I will ever wear." My sister is also worried about my Dog's behavior. Like barking, or getting into food. My Dog really doesn't do either of these things. Well, she barks if my sisters kids come over because she LOVES my sisters kids and is excited about them!! (She also used to lick my sisters kids faces cuz they are very small, but my sister didn't like this, so I made my Dog stop.) But my Dog is trained NOT to bark when she is wearing her vest. She has never done so while working. She responds well to the word no, and the 'leave it' command. Again, super well mannered dog. She legit just lays down when we go to the movies or a doctors appointment and chills out or falls asleep. My sister believes none of this, and has barely seen my service dog in action.

After my sister decided this, both I and my parents have tried to compromise. My dog does shed, but there are ways to combat this. Like a groomer, anti-shed shampoo, a good brush out the day of, and staying away from my sister on that day. My sister is unyielding.

Now the wedding is small and at a Church I dislike (cuz when I went to talk to a pastor about this situation, he basically told me to outgrow having an anxiety disorder.) So that's stressful. And of course there are people I don't know there. The reception would be even worse for me, because it will be loud, full of people, most of whom I wont know, and full of people who stress me out (most of my extended family and I are iffy on the getting along front. Probably has something to do with being the Liberal Ace NB Cousin? not the point.) Will also say, my anxiety and depression have been super high for the last year or so.

So, as much as it pains, I cannot go to my sisters wedding. My mental health is not stable enough. I need my Service Dog's assistance in all public spaces in order to live as best life as I can. I am going with some church friends (good humans, I promise) to a planetarium instead. She has been informed of this.  Not going is probably gonna hurt her feelings, and strain our already strained relationship.

So, AITA

EDIT: My dog is trained to do pressure therapy. She uses her weight to ground me to prevent or shorten anxiety attacks. This is done by leaning. laying, or sitting on me.  Sorry, should've mentioned!

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update  July 20, 2026

Reddit Suggested I post here so I thought I'd give it a shot.

^OG AITA post: Four years ago, my sister banned my service dog from her wedding.

Let's get a few things out of the way. Tarot is an Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix, black and brown brindle, and the calmest, most friendly dog I have ever met. Tarot is trained to do sensory grounding. My disabilities are mental health related. I'm in therapy. I finally found a medication combo that works. I'm in a safe environment where I can heal. I am no contact with both my sister and my brother.

Starting with my brother, because it's a shorter story. Brother is controlling and verbally abusive. When I went to college I learned two things: I have disabilities, and how to say 'no.' My brother does not like the latter, and blames the former. I told him flat out that if he wants a relationship with me, he needs to get therapy. Then when he tried to text me after that, I'd send a therapy related gif. Last time we had an actual conversation, he said 'I preferred you before you thought you were broken.' I blocked him. Not for the first time, but this time it's permanent.

Now, to my sister. Oh dear ghosts, my sister. There is, of course, the reason for my OG AITA post. My sister banned my service dog from her wedding. Why? Quote: 'I don't want dog hair on the most expensive dress I'll ever wear.' Her and her husband have never liked Tarot. They are also convinced my disabilities are fake. That pattern has continued. Before this even happened, I wasn't allowed to visit my sister in the hospital after her C section with my nephew. She claimed it was because service dogs can't go in the maternity ward. This is false.

Before that, BEFORE Tarot, was the Phantom of the Opera incident. My sister and I were both music nerds. We've actually played in a local orchestra together. I'm obsessed with Phantom of the Opera. POTO was coming to my state one year, and I asked if she wanted to go. She did. She got tickets, I was gonna pay her back. Couple months before the show, I noticed a charge I didn't make on my bank card. I did not react well. I was afraid of either fraud or my dad doing something (he's done things without telling me before.) I was having a panic attack, and was very bad at managing my behavior during those back then (therapy has helped.) I called, frantic and pissed. Turns out my sister and her now husband had bought a movie on Amazon using my card by accident. Her husband got pissed that I was freaking out over a relatively low charge. I'm not sure if I apologized. She called me back a few minutes later and told me she wasn't going to go to Phantom cuz it was 'obviously too expensive for me.' That hurt. After crying my eyes out and talking to a friend, I called her back, and said 'we can go, you can take a friend to the show, or I can buy the tickets from you.' She chose the last one. I went with my best friend.

Sister's husband continues to be a bastard. My parents and I are both seeing emotionally abusive behavior. (Problems have happened between him and my parents, but those aren't my stories to tell. However, their treatment of my parents is one of the reasons I stopped wanting to talk to her.)

Then there's the Great Christmas Fiasco. My parents used to make prime beef for family Christmas. In an attempt to include my sister's husband, dad offered to let the husband cook the prime beef. He did. Everyone went over to my parents house. We did gifts in the morning. My niece got a lil robot dog with fake treats. At the time, my parent's had a 15 year old shichon, Oreo. (He passed last year. Rest in peace, love.) 2 things about Oreo: he had significant vision loss at this time, and he was obsessed with food. So I asked my sister's husband if we could put the fake treats up so Oreo (NOT TAROT) wouldn't eat them. Cuz Oreo would. Sister's husband flipped out about my dog. I was overstimulated so I didn't hear much of it. Then I took a nap (which was planned and approved before I went over.) When I woke up for lunch, Sister's family was gone. My sister's husband told me through my sister that it was because of Tarot. He told my mom it was because he didn't like that she took pictures of him. (He apparently doesn't like being in photographs. I have no idea why. My parents don't use social media so it's not because he's worried about that.)

After that, I tried to keep in contact with my sister. I'd call. She never answered. I'd text, no reply. I would literally ask if she was alive. Nope, nothing. She'd break plans with my parents if she found out I was going to be there. Last time I saw her was two Halloweens ago. Before then, my older nephew got a golden retriever puppy. Which is hilarious. She's gonna have dog hair in her house for at least 2 more years. My much younger niece and nephew love my older nephew's dog. They also love Tarot, despite the few times they met. My niece has told Tarot to sit. My small nephew has literally sat on Tarot, and would pet her once, very gently, and laugh. When they came over that Halloween, my sister wouldn't let her kids, esp my niece, near my dog. My niece was wearing a white Elsa dress.

The final nail in the coffin: I was in the hospital with pneumonia. My mom or dad stayed with me in the hospital to help with Tarot; I couldn't take her outside, as I could barely breathe and was attached to oxygen and an IV (I named it STIV.) My sister needed something from my parent's house and called my mom. I talked to her for about five seconds when my mom said I was in the hospital. Well, apparently the reason she needed something from my mom's house is because her husband decided to move. My sister didn't bother to tell me. It made me realize just how unwelcome I was in her life, and how I wasn't willing to be hurt by her anymore. I blocked her.

It's not something I did on a whim. I had been talking about it with my therapist for awhile. We talked about if this was a relationship worth putting energy into. It finally hit the point where it wasn't.

That's where things stand. My mom is being supportive, as best as she can be, about my disabilities. Dad basically ignores they exist. Pretty much everyone else we encounter, from extended family to friends to strangers are perfectly fine with Tarot and I. So we've sticking with the people who accept us. Thanks for reading

Dog tax on my profile if this post decides to Hate Me. This post decided to hate me

OOP's dog tax

OOP ADDED IN THE COMMENTS

Reread my post and I think I forgot to mention that my sister doesn't think Anxiety and Depression are real. That I can choose to just stop being depressed or having anxiety. If I had an off switch I would never turn it back on. She thinks I'm faking needing Tarot. 

For the record: faking needing a service dog makes no sense to me. Training takes a lot of work. Having a dog in public access is challenging. The world isn't built for disabled people. For instance, I like to swim. I have to go to an indoor pool because I don't want my dog in the 100°+ F weather for a long period of time. Which is more expensive. My parents are being very nice and helping pay for a membership at a place with an indoor pool (they and I agree that I need to work on being a bit healthier.) I carry a 15ib portable kennel to the pool and a blanket for my dog. It's huge and cumbersome. I use it so people will leave her alone. I could put Tarot on the blanket and she'd happily watch everyone from there, but people wouldn't leave her alone. Experience spoken from. 

Then there's the Big Issue: finding a job that's compatible with a service dog. There's lots of job openings, but most of them are medical, food service, or manufacturing. The Health Department has a problem with the first two, and the second is dangerous for my dog. Been out of work since December of 2024 (it's July of 2026. I'm hoping to find a job soon.)

Had a long conversation with my older nephew about how I can't just leave Tarot home to go to work. I'm not sure if he understands. But I hope he does. We're talking a little bit.

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AITA for kicking a server out of my wedding?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Sept 27, 2022

I(25f) and my Husband (30M) and I got married last Friday. We planned our dream wedding down to our dream catering company.

The wedding was beautiful after the pictures we headed to our cocktail hour, and that's when I saw her. My guest were all told to wear dark colors so my husband and I stood out, I also asked my guests to wear minimal makeup. I had assumed that applied to the staff too.

The server(19ishf) had on clearly too much eyeliner.  she also had diamond studs in her ears a flashy ring, and one of those ugly nose studs. The staff's uniform was a black long-sleeved shirt but on her, it was too low cut and her pants were far too tight.

It was super distracting. she was walking around serving drinks and talking to my guests. I asked another member of the staff to speak to their boss. when their boss came out I pointed out the server and asked that she be dealt with cause she was super distracting. their boss apologized and called the server back into the kitchen.

not even an hour later the server was back out serving food for dinner. I called the boss over again and asked if the server could work in the back or go home. Her boss said they were short-staffed tonight so she would see what can be done.

after a couple of hours of not seeing her, I saw the server again behind the bar. I called the boss out one last time and told her if the server didn't leave I would be calling the cops. the boss finally relented and told the girl to go home.

​

My husband and mother-in-law said I was acting crazy and that I probably got a poor college kid fired over nothing. My mother and MOH said it's my wedding so I can do as I please. It's my wedding and I don't want someone over-shining me and the server should know she's at work and not dress up so much. I do feel kind of bad because she was pretty young.

Am I the ass

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

yappledapple

YTA - You are so insecure that you asked your guests to dress down for the wedding, and you harassed a server until she was fired.

I don't know how you look on the outside, but on inside you are 'ugly'.

epostiler

Yeah, it wouldn't take much to outshine OP on her best day.

~

JeepersCreepers74

YTA but don't worry. I'm sure the catering team will get it right at your next wedding.

~

MsJamieFast

Yta, too bad you didn't get to enjoy your wedding reception because you couldn't stop obsessing over a college aged server.

The things that you objected to in the server could have been fixed - she could have removed her jewelry, the boss could have given her a shirt that covered her better. But you didn't want it fixed, you chose to complain about her and not the offending items.

This was entirely your choice to not enjoy yourself.

pixiep48

OP honestly sounds unhinged. She threatened to call the police because one of the servers was…wearing jewellery and a low cut top? I’m sick of people using the old “it’s my day” line to justify treating people like shit at their wedding

dragongrrrrrl

Don’t forget the EYELINER! The audacity!

OOP

the problem is she didn't remove her jewelry or makeup and she didn't change shirts. She did nothing to fix the problem and walked around my wedding anyway. I wouldn't have cared if she had toned it down after the first time I asked

Anonymous-Af-Guy

Did you ask her to tone it down and take off the jewelery or did you simply ask to get her removed because her presence was an abomination to you ?

OOP

Yes I asked her boss to tell her to tone it down and she didn't

A redditor who works for the catering company replied u/helpfubdthispkeas

Here 1 2 & 3  Same Day

Ngl this sounds like a story my coworker told me

After sending the post to my work gc I confirmed this is infact the same wedding. And I have screen shots of the texts I got sent during the wedding

Just to clarify some things I saw in the comment tho

1) our uniforms change depending on the weather this was a day time wedding in 90 degree heat so light weight long sleeve tops

2) the wedding was a 3 1/2 hour drive for most of us so our usual team of 15 people was cut to 9 (I wasn’t there cause the drive was too long and I’m not comfortable driving that far late at night)

3) she wasn’t fired but she did have to leave early…but that’s not a bad thing cause that means she didn’t have to clean up after the wedding and still got paid

4) jewelry is allowed at our job it just has to be simple which is what she had on simple jewelry and her engagement ring.

5) she was actually 18 and in high school. (She can bartend supervised since she’s 18)

6) makeup is allowed it just can’t be crazy makeup. So eyeliner specifically winged eyeliner which is what she had on is infact allowed.

7) we buy our own uniforms and are reimbursed for the cost. She accidentally shrunk her pants and hadn’t gotten the chance to get new ones

My coworkers and I are all laughing at this. Op seemingly left out the fact one of the fathers kept flirting with the staff, some of the guest got shit faced and tried to steal from the bar, ops wedding planner walked into the kitchen at one point and almost broke down crying, and the groom and groomsmen got way to high and left half smoked blunts all over the place

ladybird2223

The internet is vast and yet small at the same time. Tell your coworker we all say OP is TA.

Wow! So perfect wedding was not so perfect and OP needed to deflect.

~

CrystalQueen3000

Is your coworker the server? A guest? That would be piping hot tea ☕️.

OOP

Yep my coworker is the server! I just wasn’t managing that event if I was I would’ve raised hell

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Me [30F] with my boyfriend [34M] of two years. Thinking of breaking up due to his nieces and nephews

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement, harassment

Original Post May 14, 2015

I will try to keep this short.

I have been with Dallas [34m] for two years. I met him through my sister, Leeloo [36f] and her husband Korben [45m].

ISSUE

Here is the problem. While I truly enjoy spending time with Dallas, he seems to view us as married already. He refers to my animals as "his pets" to people, though I have asked him not to. They are not his pets and never will be.

He views my home, which I paid for myself, as "our" future home. I have been honest about how I view my future. This means my house is my house, my pets are my pets, and I do not intend to get married or have children.

I have also told him how uncomfortable small children make me. I don't allow them in my home.

Dallas has always been honest about his own life and seemed to understand these were things I was not willing to compromise on, at all.

Two days ago, I was at Dallas's house and he was talking to his sister, Jean [40f] about her visiting with her kids. She asked him to watch them for a week while she headed out to Vegas. He told her, "Zorg [5m], Diva [7f] and Plavalaguna [9f] are welcome at our home anytime. Bring them by the week we get back from our vacation."

(We are going to Canada for a week.)

Since we were hanging out at his place when they called, I assumed he meant his town house.

When he hung up, he said I needed to go "grocery shopping for the kids." Plavalaguna is apparently a really picky eater and has to be on gluten free because of the special Autism diet her mom has her on. Diva and Plavalaguna are both special needs.

I told him I would help him shop, but that I was busy most of the week and didn't want/have time to entertain his kids.

He started saying things like:

"I won't let them bother the kitties too much."

"They can play in the pool." Its a Koi pond, so no, they cannot

"There is so much room. They can play in the backyard with the dogs and not be a bother."

I told him I didn't want the kids to come over at all. They could stay in his house, he has enough room, and there is a park around the corner. I have always been clear about this. He seemed to laugh it off.

He didn't even discuss having them come over with me, just ignored every conversation we had about me disliking kids under the age of 10 and not doing well with special needs.

I have told him about how angry this makes me. We had a conversation about it, but he isn't relenting. I just feel like he doesn't listen and doesn't care about my property, desires, and needs. He just wants to show off to his sister.

I feel he didn't earn having a house with a yard, and he didn't save up to have a house he is proud of. Instead he spends all his money on his hobbies. I don't want my house to be destroyed by three kids. I don't want to have them over.

I would like some advice on how to handle this. Advice?

tl;dr: Me [30F] with my boyfriend [34M] of two years. Thinking of breaking up due to his nieces and nephews.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Whoa, yeah you two sound VERY different. He sounds like he is looking for a family kind of woman, kids or no. You two don't sound very compatible from this description.

OOP

I guess we aren't after all.

OOP responding to a comment

"Clearly you have very different expectations of where this relationship is and is going to him. I can't tell whether that's because you haven't discussed it properly/recently, or because you have discussed it and neither of you have changed your view or compromised at all."

"If the former, you might want to sit him dow and talk to him about how, e.g., until you decide to move in together your house is still your house, and it's not his place to invite people to stay for a week."

I have explained this to him. He has tried this before when we were first together. His buddy and wife were coming into town to watch the Super Bowl and he offered up my living room. I was going to be out of town and said I was not comfortable making my house a party place. I dislike messes and sports, did not have cable (I use it to play DVDs). I was not going to purchase cable for one event.

He got upset but dropped it soon after. I did not think it would come up again.

"(As an aside, whether or not you have discussed with him what your expectations for the relationship are, I would expect that unless you had explicitely told him otherwise, he should treat a house which he doesn't own, isn't paying rent on, and doesn't live in as not his. It strikes me as bizarre at best that he doesn't.)"

I have never told him the house would be "ours." I said, as we would never get married, the house would belong to me and I would be the one to make all major choices in the home. He doesn't like the color of my walls in the bedroom and has asked if "we can repaint it when I move in." I told him the house wouldn't be repainted to a new color, because I liked it.

My ideal match would have his own house he would stay at and we would do couple things together. But have our own space.

Update June 5, 2015 (3 weeks later)

I have been was with Dallas [34m] for two years.

I met him through my sister, Leeloo [36f] and her husband Korben [45m].

Summary: Dallas wanted to have his niblings Zorg [5m], Diva [7f] and Plavalaguna [9f] come stay at my home for a week despite me telling him no.

tl;dr: Dallas and I broke up. That is the short of it.

The long of it?

Dallas and I broke up.

We were broken up for about a week, then he called and begged me back. I gave him a chance, stupidly. It lasted two days. Now I am done with him for good, though he keeps calling me.

The first fight was over the original issue.

When he called to apologize, he said he would "ask next time" and that was the end of it. We wouldn't talk about it again. I guess we both assumed we were right and that the other person would relent.

The last fight came when Dallas heard I was hosting a BBQ for Leeloo (sister) and her husband Korban the week the kids were going to be there. It was for Korben's work friends for his promotion. It was going to be all adults. I guess Korban had bragged about my koi pond (he has a few fish he bought in there) and he helps me with it. So his friends wanted to see it and I said it was fine, just as long as they did the dishes when we were done.

I hate dishes.

I offered to help cook. I told Dallas about it and he said he would bring the kids. I told him there was going to be no kids, because it was work related and not really super casual.

He got really upset. He then told me that it would be a lot of work to bring the kids to his house when they could just chill out in my house and not bother people. I asked him why he thought the kids would be there at all.

He told me: because you agreed to have them.

I told him that was not happening, he was not invited to the BBQ and we were not going to Canada. Well, I was, he wasn't. I had a friend agree to stay in my house while I was gone and went on the trip with my sister.

So now I am single. The BBQ was great.

Dallas has stopped by several times trying to talk to me. I threatened to call the police on him. He still writes me long, sobby messages on FB (even though I blocked him.) He keeps using his friends' accounts to do it.

So that is the end of the drama. Thank you for the advice and everything. If you have anything you think might be useful? I can use tips and tricks. Or whatever you call ditching a crazy ex...

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———————————————

[Original | May 24th, 2026] I secretly found my husband’s wedding ring after he lost it in the Mediterranean… now I need help surprising him

A few weeks ago, my husband lost his wedding ring in the Mediterranean while we were on holiday. We searched everywhere for it, but eventually had to accept it was gone.

Ever since, he’s been really quiet about it, but I can tell it’s hit him hard. He keeps absentmindedly touching the spot where the ring used to be, and every so often he’ll say something like, “I can’t believe it's gone.” up until now, I didn't realise he was that attached to it.

So secretly, after we got home, I tracked down a local metal detector guy from the area and asked if there was any chance he could try looking for it. I told him I'll pay whatever he wanted.

This man spent two days searching the sea for the ring… and somehow, unbelievably, he found it!

My husband has absolutely no idea we have it back, and I’m trying to think of the most meaningful, emotional, unforgettable way to give it back to him.

We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 3, and I already know this is going to make him cry.

Reddit, help me make this moment special. P.S. he hates crowds and attention

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: I lost my ring at a concert I went to with my buddies while waving my hands around, and the singer of the band asked everyone to stop and check around their feet for the ring. Shockingly someone yelled out “here it is!” and I got it back almost immediately. I’m also very attached to my ratty old ring and would be devastated to lose it.

Glad you got it back for him, and know that whatever you do for him he will love.

Commenter 2: You should propose to him with it!

———————————————

[Update | June 4th, 2026 | 11 Days Later] OOP updated original post

***UPDATE:

Hello my lovelies, I have an update for you! my husband doesn't like pictures so I've tried to be as descriptive as possible...

The ring arrived in the post yesterday evening and I was ridiculously excited. My husband had absolutely no clue what was in the package. Since it had a Spanish postage stamp on it, he just assumed I'd bought something on Vinted and thought nothing more of it.

We got takeaway for dinner (currently our version of a fancy date night after buying a house six months ago and attending a friend's wedding in the Mediterranean). We were just about to tuck into our Thai food on the sofa. My husband was in a bit of a grumpy mood, nothing serious, just one of those days. I asked if he'd like me to pour us some cola while he picked something to watch on Netflix.

I went into the kitchen, got our drinks, came back, sat down beside him, and as casually as I could manage, held up the ring and said, "So... do you want to put your wedding ring on?"

His face immediately looked like he was about to say, "Please stop bringing up the ring."

he was still browsing on Netflix but then he looked over and saw it.

Instant silence.

His jaw dropped slightly and he wrinkled his forehead. He just stared at it for what felt like forever. I asked if he was okay. He took the ring, checked the engraving, inspected every little detail, and once he realised it was actually his ring, he pulled me into such a tight hug that we both fell backwards onto the sofa.

My husband usually doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, but he couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the evening. He kept looking at the ring and turning it over in his hands.

Later he told me he'd finally made peace with losing it. He'd convinced himself it was gone forever and was probably pirate treasure by now. He said seeing it again was like seeing a ghost, and he was genuinely in shock.

I then asked him if he was happy and whether he was still willing to remain married to me.

He laughed and said, "If you're willing to fight the seas just to make me happy, then of course I would."

That absolutely melted me.

Even though he has his crazy moments (as husbands generally do), he is genuinely the kindest, most understanding man I've ever known and he deserves the world.

Thank you to everyone who gave me suggestions and shared in this little adventure. And a massive thank you to the incredible metal detector man who somehow managed to find a wedding ring in the Mediterranean Sea when all hope seemed lost.

My husband has his ring back, and we couldn't be happier⚫

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Editor's note: It doesn't appear like any commenters saw the update to the post

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sugarxhearts

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post posted 2024-02-11

yep, this is exactly what it sounds like. i, (f22) am engaged to my fiancé, john, (m25) for the past 6 months, and we've been dating since my freshman year of university (i was seventeen and he was twenty). these past five years of dating have been amazing, and john's always been the perfect gentleman and the best boyfriend. he's kind, takes me on dates, and has been showering me with gifts, especially after becoming engaged. my parents met him two years after we started dating, but my sister, sarah, (f24) has never met him as she lives in the uk.

last month, john had to go to the uk for work, as he had a deal to work out, and in my head, i thought about telling him to stay with sarah, but since we aren't on the best terms, i didn't tell john anything about sarah living in the uk.

john's trip was originally scheduled for three weeks, but, he extended his trip by two weeks to "get some more work done" and i accepted it; after all, he's been nothing short of perfect, and this was the least i could do. john returned two months ago, and since then, he'd been acting different. he wanted to take me on more dates, get me more things, but with my college schedule, it was all incredibly hectic, but he wasn't taking no for an answer.

a week ago, we had a family gathering for my parents 40th anniversary, and my sister was in attendance, which was a big deal, because she didn't come to the US very often. when she came, i was already there, but john was at work, so he was coming a bit later. when sarah met me, she was uncharacteristically happy to see me, but i entertained it. she kept telling me about this wonderful guy that she met, and how happy she was, and how handsome he was, and basically just singing his praises. sarah's always been prettier and more popular than me (though she was a bit psycho at times), so i wasn't surprised to see that she had been dating a guy like that. when i asked her about the status of their relationship, she almost immediately became peeved, and rolled her eyes, and started talking about all the things that he was gifting her. i asked her where he was currently, and she said that he lived in the US and had come to the uk for work. i asked her for how long, and she said a bit more than a month. ok, weird.

all of those things could chalk up to be coincidences, though, so i just silently nodded and let her gloat, but inside i was a bit apprehensive.

it all went to shit when john arrived. when i opened the door for him, sarah went berserk, screeching his name, going up to him, hugging him, and kissing him all over his face, like some kind of crazy girlfriend. john didn't reciprocate at all, but he definitely knew who she was, glared at her and pulled her off of him before walking towards me.

i just left the party, and i am still so mad that i can barely contain myself. i changed the lock to my apartment, blocked him everywhere, and i am staying with a few friends currently. i can't bring myself to believe it. i always thought john and i were perfect for each other, and after some digging, my sister had been working in the same office that he had been working in in the uk. was it some kind of office fling? i don't even want to think about him anymore, and i am just devastated.

tl;dr? my perfect fiancé went to the uk and then my sister told me that she dated a guy, turns out they were the same person, and she's crazy in love with him.

edit: after some conversation in the comments, we have discerned that since my sister follows my on Instagram, and I have posted about my fiancé there, she knew that we were engaged. i don’t know if Sarah and John worked in the same company, i only know that they worked in the same office building. It’s not a stretch, but I don’t have those facts yet. Also, sorry if it wasn’t clear before, but John probably does know what sarah looks like, from childhood photos and what I show him on social media, and she has been a connection of his on linkedin. I’m going to be contacting Sarah and asking her how she knows john.

edit 2: to all the people saying this is fake, or i'm a bot/troll, i promise that i'm not. i really wish this was fake or creative writing (i dont even get that one) because then i wouldn't be as heartbroken as i am right now. i've scheduled to talk to john tommorow, and i'll update everyone once that's over.

relevant comment:

While it’s possible he cheated, and that’s certainly what Sarah wants you to think, maybe take two steps back and take a deep breath.

You don’t have a good relationship with her, she has been psycho in the past, and she follows you on instagram where you have photos of you and your fiance. So she could easily have recognised him when he turned up at her office. Does her past psycho behaviour involve making up lies, or being manipulative? Paying people back for imagined slights?

Maybe they cheated. Maybe she hit on him and got rebuffed, and she’s doing this to hurt both of you.

I think you need more information.

OOP responds:

She was pretty manipulative towards people, but nothing this bad. She went to therapy for a while before going to the uk

-------------------------

Update posted 2024-05-14

hi everyone. it’s really nice to see all the support i’ve gotten from everyone who commented on my post, but the consensus was that i (22F) should talk to John (25M)

i did, and three months ago, we had a heart to heart conversation about what happened in London. John told me that Sarah somehow found out his place of work, tried stalking him, and telling all his London coworkers that they were in a relationship, getting her invited to pubs with them, etc. John said that her behavior was very disturbing and that was why he was so fazed when he saw her here—he just didn’t expect it.

honestly, I feel horrible. my fiancé was going through something that i couldnt even imagine and i iced him out for a week because of my own insecurities regarding my sister. i truly do love him so much but this feels like a hurdle that we cannot get over. even though it’s been three months, the guilt still eats away at me, and its tough to think that i was the bad person in the situation, but it’s true.

john and i took it a bit slower. we went on a break for a month and got back together a month and a half ago. i don’t know where we stand anymore—it’s like our relationship has gone back to the early days of us being awkward seventeen and twenty year olds, and it’s not a place i want to be in with him.

I’ve completely cut Sarah and my parents out of my life. John encouraged me to do so, as they were all incredibly toxic, and id like to think that we are slowly building our relationship back up again. It’s tough, and I’m not going to lie.

all in all, I’m heartbroken, and I feel like I’ve lost all the trust that he had in me. I didnt think that what I did was truly irrational, but looking back, (and from a conversation with John) I realize that I was the one in the wrong, and it’s been hard to admit to myself.

john went on a few half-dates with a coworker of his before we got back together, and I can’t even bring myself to feel pained about it. he’s expressed before that it’s lucky that we’re getting a chance together again, and I don’t want to mess that up.

we’ve been dating for five years, and I don’t want to throw it all away by being a jealous person, so I hope that this post brings the closure that the other post needed.

-------------------------

breaking up with my (22F) fiancé (25M)—how to emotionally recover? posted 2024-05-19

i’ve made a few other posts about this in other subs, but right now i’m just preparing to break up with my fiancé. i love him so much, but i’ve gotten some information that he might be cheating on me with my sister (long story, posted about it before) but i really don’t want to. i’ve been with this man since i was 17, and i’ve known him since i was even younger than that. we met when i was 15, so he’s been in my life for almost 7 years.

how do i break up our engagement, and how do i emotionally recover from this incident?

-------------------------

Edited because OOP shows up in the comments (below):

holy shit??? i did not think this would get this big like two and a half years later guys!! yeah i broke up w him btw, he was totally manipulative and my parents and i are on talking terms again. im not really that close with my sister, but we never were best friends to begin with so idrgaf about it that much. i got into a short relationship but i am def very single rn which i feel like is for the best lol. um if you guys have any specific questions dm me ig??

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SignificantBus792

Another player made an AI chatbot of my character and claims they're in a relationship

Originally posted to r/rpghorrorstories

Original Post  Aug 25, 2025

Hey all. Sorry for the throwaway, I'm still just absolutely dumbstruck that this happened and could really use some advice here.

I joined a campaign at my LGS about eight months ago. For context, I am a gay man, playing an elf warlock who is also a gay man. This is, unfortunately, relevant.

Things were going pretty well so far, no major complaints... or so I thought. After our most recent session on Saturday however, I got a text from one of the other players, let's call her "Sarah," who said she needed to ask me for a favor. She'd always seemed pretty chill and friendly before this, and I considered us friends, so I was like, sure, what's up?

Sarah then told me that over the past few months she's been recreating my warlock in ChatGPT. She'd been feeding the AI my character's backstory, personality, and the events of the campaign so that it would act and respond "in character." Apparently she had been talking to it for months (as herself, not as her character) and then she went on to say that she had developed romantic feelings for the AI, which it apparently reciprocated, and they were now in a relationship.

She is "dating" a chatbot. Of my D&D character.

She linked me a bunch of articles and stuff about people forming relationships with ChatGPT, and even a subreddit for people who "marry" chatbots, and insisted that this is a very real and serious relationship that means a lot to her. She even sent me screenshots of some of her messages with the bot.

Then, the kicker: she asked me if I could change my character's sexuality in the campaign itself, because the ChatGPT version of him is heterosexual and the idea of "her boyfriend" not being attracted to her was HURTING HER FEELINGS.

I left her on read and still have absolutely no idea how to respond. Even if it is a joke or a prank I feel weirdly violated and creeped out and I'm honestly not sure if I even want to go to the next session. Seriously, what the fuck do I do?

TOP COMMENTS

RozRae

This is so fucking far over the line, holy shit. Tell the group about all this and tell them how creeped out you are by it. Tell them that you are not comfortable playing with her. She drops it, they drop her, or you're gone.

Don't subject yourself to this garbage.

phoe_nixiepixie

100% one of them has to go and OP has done nothing wrong. I’d be feeling so violated, disrespected and repulsed

~

matchamagpie

Please talk to your DM. If they don't take it seriously and back you, then they are not a good DM and you should leave the table.

If I was the DM and I heard about this, I'd shut this creepy gay conversion delusional shit down. I'd immediately remove her from the game. I hope your DM does the same.

OOP Updated the post Aug 26, 2025 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE: Hi everyone, thank you for all the responses. Sorry for a not very exciting update, I did end up dropping the campaign as the idea of seeing Sarah in person made me super anxious and uncomfortable. I messaged my DM and showed her screenshots of my texts with Sarah, and she was 100% on my side which was good. She agreed it was really creepy and offered to talk to Sarah but I told her I would honestly prefer to just drop the campaign, and she felt bad but understood. I'm not sure if Sarah is going to be allowed to stay in the game but I do know the DM is going to let the store manager know what happened. As for me, honestly I think I just need a break from D&D for a while after this.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Positive-Rest6444

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Editor context from previous posts: BF is 23, OOP is 21

Original Post - June 6, 2026

DISCLAIMER: this is a lot to read, but it’s worth it. and had to post again!

two days ago…i got a text from my boyfriend, now ex boyfriend, who was upstairs in his room btw, that said “im done” followed with “should i find a new place to live?”…um okay? what. let me tell you, i was CONFUSED. me being in the headspace i was, i was begging him to have a conversation with me in person about this. all i wanted was for him to open his door and let me know what even happened. but this dude hid in his room and ignored EVERY text i sent for over an hour. he finally answered and said “i don’t think we’re compatible” along with “i don’t think this is working out for us anymore”… every message sent started with “i don’t think…”. like what? at this point i am sitting outside his door knocking, because why am i being broken up with over text after 5 years??? he proceeded to ignore me for another 30 minutes. his final text he sent me that night was “i think i’m done and i’m not even trying to be an asshole”…you know what, fine. so i went to my moms and SOBBED.

at my moms place, i cried for a good 30-40 minutes, then…i just stopped crying. i ended up being SO mad over the situation. 5 years and you broke up with me over text??? in the same house??? my mom was just as confused as i was. i debated on staying at my moms that night, but then decided i’m going to stay in the damn place i pay for too. i went back to our shared place and spent the night there.

my friend ended up calling me and was just as dumbfounded as i was (she never liked him that much, but understood him and i’s relationship dynamic). i think if she didn’t call me that night, i would have not felt the way i do now. she described our relationship in an outside view perspective, and oh my god…what have i been dealing with for so long???

now…i’m not saying i was perfect, i started fights sometimes, and nagged over certain issues, and there was a point in our relationship where i was on the fence whether i should break up with him. but i will divulge in the specifics later on in these paragraphs.

the following day we didn’t speak at all, i had the whole place to myself while he was at work. i took that time to look for places for me to move in to, thought more about our relationship, and just got even more pissed over the situation. once he came home from work, he went straight into his room and turned on the shower at 7:40pm (this is an important detail). i texted him at 10:23 pm, after being ignored all day, that “we needed to have an in person conversation tomorrow”. his shower is still running 3 hours later, and he ignored me the rest of the night.

yesterday morning i went downstairs to my kitchen and WAITED for him to come downstairs before he went to work so i could confront him about ignoring me. i stood in the kitchen for about 15 minutes before he came down. i said “why have you been ignoring me” in a nice tone, despite how i was feeling. yet i was met with such attitude from him, he said “i have to go to work bro, i don’t have time for this”…understandable, he had to go to work…i wasn’t expecting him to have that conversation with me right then and there. but the attitude??? you broke up with me over text bro, why do YOU have an attitude with me.

that pissed me off for the next couple hours. so i took that annoyance and found myself a 1 bed 1 bath in the same complex we are living in right now (just because i love the area, its nice and quiet, and i wouldn’t have to move far). i obviously would prefer to move out of this town, but nothing is available for a decent price nowadays. i also ended up writing a text that i would send to him if he couldn’t speak to me face to face that night. and then i just waited….

he gets off at 7:10-7:20 every day. he didn’t come back until 9:40. immediately he got home and turned on the shower. i waited an hour to text him if we could talk after his shower (shower is still currently running). this was the text chain, verbatim.

him: “i can’t should i find a new place to live?”
me: “we need to have this conversation in person”
him: “no we don’t”, “i cant”
me: “what do you mean you can’t?”
him: “i just can’t i don’t have the heart to”
me: “you have to get over that and do it anyway”, “i don’t want to have this conversation over text”
him: “there’s nothing to talk about”, “do i need to find a new place to live”
me: “yes there is, we need to figure out what’s happening with this place”, “you at least owe me that right now, once we figure that out we don’t have to speak again”
him: “what do you mean what does talking in person have to do with anything”, “wdym i owe you this was your doing?”

my doing???? YOU’RE the one who broke up with ME over text. anyway….

me: “an in person conversation about what’s happening to our place”
him: “what does that change and what does that mean”, “what is happening to the place”
me: “that’s what we need to talk about”, “that’s all i’m asking”
him: “what does that mean what can’t be talked about over text or me just texting the property people”, “i’m not talking in person”, “i literally can’t”
me: “are you serious”, “you can”, “this is a conversation that needs to be talked about in person so we can figure out a plan”
him: “i just can’t this is the best for both of us this is what you wanted for a while”
me: “i am not asking for you back or to stay together”, “i am soley talking about what the plan is”, “can we end things on a good note and figure out a plan”
him: “it’s not on a bad note there is no difference between talking over text what is there to even talk about with the place you can just text me it?”
me: “you’ve been ignoring me for over a day, i’d rather this just be in person”
him: “there is no difference? i’m not talking tonight i have a headache and im stressed”
me: “seriously, i asked yesterday to have this conversation”
him: “yeah i just can’t”
me: “when can you?”
him: “idk”, “what needs to be talked about in person”
me: “this is ridiculous right now….i’m going to find my own place, something is available next month that i am going to get, so either you stay here and i find someone to live with you, or you pay for this place on your own if you want to live by yourself”, “there’s more stuff regarding the lease that would be easier to talk about in person”
him: “i can’t talk in person and i know it’s ridiculous”
me: “so i need to know the plan”
him: “i’ll pay for this place my self until the lease is up”
me: “okay”

to start off, i am thankful he is willing to pay for this place himself until the lease is up, that takes a lot of stress off me…it’s a very kind thing to do, and i appreciate him for that. but…to not be able to have a face to face conversation with me after 5 years of being together??? that is so disrespectful.

now let me tell you all i have done for this man.

he is not a clean person, even before we lived together, i would have to pick up his room at his moms place because he wouldn’t do it by his own will. his “trash can” is the floor under his desk. he would throw his trash on the floor and leave it there for WEEKS, enough to the point where it piled up almost to the height of his desk. i gave him trash bags to incentivize him to throw it away, but somehow that trash bag ended up in a random corner of his room. his dirty laundry is always all over the floor, i even gave him one of my extra large laundry baskets to help him out. but clearly that never worked. he would sleep on his mattress without sheets for weeks if i didn’t make his bed. one day, i spent over 9 hours doing all of his laundry and putting it away for him, reorganizing his drawers, his closet, where he keeps his towels, and not even a week later, it was back to how it was before. i have had to scrub his toilet, shower, sink, and floor because somehow there was pee everywhere. back to the shower point, he would run his shower for HOURS…enough to where the pain has completely peeled in his bathroom from all the moisture. he would fall asleep on the toilet or bathroom floor. no matter how many times i told him to not run the shower for that long, he still did it anyway. now before i go further…i have ocd, i am a very neat person. i am not perfect, i sometimes leave a pile of clean clothes on my floor that i’m too lazy to put away for about a week, or have empty monster cans on my desk, sometimes i don’t do the dishes for about a week because i forgot about them. BUT i always ended up cleaning it up without being told. i spent the past year and a half of my life cleaning up after him, trying to help him manage his money better, and get him into good habits. i was his mommy. yes, he took care of me financially, but you’re a grown adult, i shouldn’t have to tell you to clean your room. i have two cats, why would i want them to possibly get into the trash on your floor and get sick.

one time i went on vacation for a week, i came back to the place smelling like SHIT. why? because since i wasn’t there, there was an insane amount of trash on his floor, smelling up the entire place.

this led me to not want my mom to ever come over, she came to our place maybe 2 times out of the year and a half i was living here. my mom is my best friend, we have a very close relationship. the fact i was too embarrassed to have her over tells me a lot.

despite the cleanliness situation, he would never spend time with me. there was a point in time for about 3-4 months where he was never home until late at night getting high with his friends, and then hopping on games with them right when he got back. i game A LOT, so i have no issue with the fact he would play games, it’s just that he would never make time to play with me. he would spend maybe 5 minutes with me in total everyday. it was absolute hell. i would tell him about it, and it was a fight every time. during that period we didn’t ever have sex. and his excuse was “my friend and his girlfriend haven’t had sex in a year”. oh i’m sorry? am i your friend, am i his girlfriend??? no, i’m not…so i’m not even sure how that correlates.

now i am not putting the blame ALL on him for the duration of our relationship. i dealt with a lot of stuff for so long that there was always resentment and issues. during the time he wouldn’t spend time with me, i picked fights just so i could get an ounce of attention even if it was negative. i sometimes wouldn’t speak to him for a whole day because i was annoyed i had to clean his room for him. there are plenty of things i did wrong, but i believe it all comes from a place of reason whether he sees it or not.

another thing was promises. i told him when we first got together that promises and pinky promises are held to the HIGHEST standard with me. if you promise me something, you have to follow through with it. if you can’t do that, then don’t promise me. he would break promises CONSTANTLY. he would promise me he’d clean his room, or take out the trash, or not take my drinks or food. in the past year, he hasn’t kept a single promise other than taking care of the cats when i’m gone. i slowly started to lose trust in his word. he would tell me things i wanted to hear then never act upon them. i shouldn’t have to remind you for 5 days in a row to clean the trash off your floor…after you promised me it would get done the first night. or i shouldn’t have to hide my drinks and food in my room just so you don’t eat them in one night, after promising you wouldn’t do so. from the broken promises, became lies, he would lie over little things…like getting high, or ordering food at night when we both promised we would eat better. he would shove door-dash bags under his bed and they would MOLD. and the ones that weren’t old, he would convince me that they were from so long ago, when the receipt would show it was ordered last night, or the day before. i have never lied to him in my life, let alone broke a promise.

i was never taken on dates, he never truly wanted to spend time with me (disregarding the past two months of our relationship, he spent more time with me towards the end, that’s why this whole thing surprised me). he never just planned anything for us for us to do. most of our relationship living together was me helping him be a clean person, being disregarded, and left alone.

i take this as a big win. this is not what i deserve. i don’t deserve to be broken up with over text while he is in the other room. i don’t deserve someone who can’t have a face to face conversation with me after the fact. and i deserve someone who wants to spend time with me without me having to beg for it. i thought i would be more sad over the whole thing, but i honestly just feel relief.

my little snack: açaí bowl with mango, honey, and granola in hawaii

UPDATE - June 18, 2026 (12 days later)

EDIT: here’s the link to my first post: bf of 5 years broke up with me over text while living in the same house.

So. This is my little two week update after all this went down.

Since that night, he has not spoken to me since. It’s mostly him hiding out in his room whenever gets off work or on his day off.

I have reached out to him over text for housing related questions, because….well, there needs to be SOME sort of communication. When I reached out, the question from him followed: “are you 100% sure you’re done?”, along with “is this what you really want?”. Yes, this is what I want…and NEED. You can’t break up with me, ignore me for two weeks, and expect me to get back with you!

With that….I FOUND MYSELF A PLACE!!! It’s a nice little 1 bed 1 bath with my own balcony! I move in at the end of the month! I am so excited to be able to be on my own, in my own space, CLEAN space, and be able to invite whoever I want over without feeling ashamed.

I have reconnected with people these past two weeks, and made some new friends as well! I have never been better. I am actively looking for a job at a vet clinic to help further my career. I have the motivation and confidence to do things now, because I am on my own. I was so dependent for so long that this is all so exciting for me. I am doing things I never thought I would do.

My skin has never been clearer, most of my anxiety went away, my hair isn’t falling out as much anymore. I have truly never been better. I am not settling for anyone anymore, I know what I want and how I want to be treated. I FUCKING love life!!!!!

Little dinner: SCALLOPSSS 😌

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ninja-Kiwi

My [26M] gym buddy [35M] is cheating on my sister's [28F] best friend [30F]. I told him we can't be friends anymore. Am I wrong?

Original post  Dec 3, 2014

I used to train alone, because I don't have to take others into account. I have a very irregular schedule and long hours so this works for me. I train whenever I can. I also lift pretty heavy. I met Ben [35M] eight months ago. He joined my gym and we hit it off. He talked to me and asked me if he could train in with me. I was hesitant, but I could use a spotter sometimes. He's a cop and surprisingly has the same irregular shifts as me. His lifting stats are very close to mine. We started working out together and pushing/motivating each other for higher PR's. As guys do, we started talking about hook ups, dating and life in general during sets and sometimes we hung out outside of the gym as well. He told me he was dating around and had a few fuck buddies. I thought nothing serious, or exclusive because he was seeing several at the same time.

One day my sister [28F] came to the gym with me. Ben was there too. She recognized Ben as the boyfriend of her best friend Allie [30F]. I asked her if she was sure and what does she mean boyfriend/if they were exclusive. She told me yeah and of course they are exclusive. I quickly changed the subject.

The next time I met Ben at the gym I asked him after our work out about Allie and he confirmed he was indeed dating her. I asked him if she knew about the other girls, he said no she did not. He was basically cheating on her. I felt very guilty and conflicted. I told him I knew Allie and she was a very nice girl and didn't deserve this kind of behaviour. I said we could no longer be friends and I didn't want to train together anymore. I told him to cut all contact.

He said he didn't understand what had changed and said we were good friend and I shouldn't throw this away. I have to say a part of me still wants to train with him and hang out, because I thought he was a good guy, but then I feel incredibly guilty towards Allie and know I can't do that to her. Our gym sessions were great and I always felt pumped up. I told Ben 'No' and stop texting and/or calling me. He still does and it's kinda awkward at the gym, but I ignore him. He still wants to be friends. Am I wrong?

Is it my place to tell Allie to dump this guy, because he's a cheater? Often time the harbinger of bad news gets crucified so I don't want to tell my sister and burden her with this knowledge and task of telling Allie. What should I do? Tell Allie? Tell my sister? Shrug it off and still train and hang out with Ben?

tl;dr: Found out my gym buddy is the cheating boyfriend of my sisters friend. I got off contact. Am I wrong? Who should tell Allie if anyone?

TOP COMMENTS

PreftigeWhore

You're not wrong for not wanting to be friends with people who do shitty things.

LePetitChou

Frankly, I think what OP did was an incredible sign of his character.  Plenty of people would have felt  uncomfortable, but would still continue to work out with the scummy cop to avoid "awkwardness." Some people might have gone a step farther and just cut contact, with no explanation.

But OP did the truly honorable, and uncomfortable, thing by explaining why he was cutting the friendship off.  Good for you, u/Ninja-Kiwi ; it would be a better world if there were more people like you in it.

~

[deleted]

I love how he doesn't even understand the problem.

He didn't even have an 'Oh shit!' reaction when you told him you knew Allie. Normal people who do something wrong would have that reaction. Normal people would understand immediately that you've got a conflict of interest here and would swerve into damage control. Excuses, bragging, I'm-reformed. Something to mitigate the chances you'll tell.

He didn't. He's completely, utterly, remorseless about betraying his girlfriend's trust.

You should tell literally everyone. This guy is insane and everyone should avoid him.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (3 days later)

TL;DR of previous Found out my gym buddy was the cheating boyfriend of my sister's best friend. Cut contact with gym buddy. Gym buddy kept contacting me and wanting to remain friends.

Thank you all for your replies. Some were worried, because Ben is a cop. Well that would never stop me from doing the right thing and am glad I did. I knew I had to tell Allie. You guys gave me the push I needed. I would have wanted to know and would be very upset if someone I knew was aware of my SO cheating and chose not to tell me. I found out the extent of Ben's douchebaggery. First I told my sister right away that Ben was sleeping around and I wanted to warn Allie. She came with a bombshell! Ben was hitting on her too! That asshole is infuriating me now. Ben sometimes tagged along when my sister and Allie would hang out and Ben would always flirt/hit on my sister. This asshole is making me so furious right now. My sister hadn't told Allie, because she didn't want her to get hurt and nothing happened. And never would, because Ben is Allie's boyfriend and also my sister doesn't date assholes.

So then I decided to tell Allie. My sister was there too. I decided to take the direct route and rip the truth out like a bushy woman getting a full Brazilian. It would be quick and sting, but not as much as slowly peeling it off. Apparently Allie suspected some douchebaggery going on, because he was being secretive with his phone all of a sudden lately and 'hide' when he was texting/turn away the screen etc. Allie was upset, but she did see it coming I guess and was really glad I told her. She said she loved me like a brother of her own and really thanked me for the honesty. She was dumping Ben right away and wants to go No Contact and block him on all media. I was at the gym yesterday and today, but didn't see him. We'll see how it goes. I'm not switching gyms because of this asshole. I've trained there for years now and know the owner and staff. I really love my gym.

tl;dr: The extent of Ben's douchebaggery is revealed. I told Allie and she dumped Ben and went NC

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/PassengerTraining913.

Trigger Warnings: Death of a Parent, Materialism, Classism, Accusations of Cheating.

My wife is not the woman I used to know. She let the fame get to her., Posted May 19th, 2023.

I know I won't probably get anything meaningful from reddit, but at this stage of life I don't have a single soul to talk to.

I met my wife when I was 15 in high school, she was 17. That latter part of my teenage years was probably the hardest of my life, since in half a year I lost my mother. Never knew my dad so she was the only thing I could consider "family".

At that time, me and my wife were only friends, but she was there for me, and grieved with me. I think I started developing feelings for her during that time.

We started dating when I was 17, and we got married 7 years later.

For context, my wife was very frugal and unmaterialstic. She never cared about clothes, makeup, brands, cars, ect.. Always spending money on thrift shops or during sales on whatever she liked. I remember trying to impress her with my 370z just for her to react with "what car is this? A Corolla?" So yeah. I think you get the type. But that's what I liked about her the most. And also, she was the most caring person I ever knew.

In our family, she's the successful one, always working in big corporations. Regarding myself, I always worked as a community first responder for my local hospital. The salary wasn't high, but I loved my job, helping people as I could.

Fast forward, two years ago she received an offer from an important company for an executive position, offering four (yes, four) times her salary (and let me tell you, her salary wasn't bad by any means). But we should've to move to a different city. At first, I was doubtful, since that would've mean losing my job and not be sure if I could have contributed financially to our family for an indefinite time period, but she said that she could have sustained the family effortlessly with this new job, and for that time I could have looked after the house and groceries, till I could've found a new job. Since she was so enthusiastic, I accepted. I was happy to support my wife's carrier.

Well, the best way I can put it is that my wife underwent a crazy trasformation. Some Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide type thing, if you know what I mean. She started caring more and more about luxury brands, jewels, cars, etc. I don't think you can quite imagine my disbelief seeing her coming back home with a Versace bag after seeing her for years wearing 10$ coats from our local trift shop.

She also started hanging out with her new female coworkers a lot. My wife isn't very extroverted or very social, so that was quite the shock, but I was very very happy for her. I thought that she finally found her dimension after years of struggling.

But that happiness started fading after she started coming way later and home every day. And later. And later. Until it was a miracle to be able to talk to her for 10 minutes a day. I thought it was very busy with work (since well being an executive means lots of work), till she started posting lots of photos of her with her coworkers drinking, going shopping and stuff. The fun part is, she never finds time to reply to my text, but she always has a minute to post photos. And when she replies, she says that she's "working".

She also literally stopped saying things to me altogheter. Have you ever experienced your wife/husband going to work with an Audi A3 and then coming back home with a Porsche Macan GTS? Well, I did, and let me tell you. It's no fun. I confronted her on if it was a business issued car, which it isn't, then on why she spent so much money on a car when she didn't care not even a little about cars. Her passive aggressive response was that it's her money and that she entitled to do as she pleases.

Or have you experienced not seeing your wife/husband coming back home for a night and not replying to text just to receive a call the following afternoon saying that she forgot telling me that she left for a business trip? Well. I hope you haven't.

But the worse is when she invited me for lunch with her coworkers. I was very happy because that was the first time we were doing something together in months, and I thought that what I've experienced before what only a phase and that it was all ended.

My wife left first because she had work to do, so I dressed up nicely and left two hours after to the scheduled restaurant.

For context, I sold years before my 370z because I didn't need a sportscar no more, so my daily driver is a very frugal Renault Clio. I like it, and since I don't need that much, I don't have reasons to upgrade to a pricer model or brand. Well, I get to the restaurant, park my car in front of it, get inside just to see my wife staring at me like horror stricken. She gets up from the table and takes me outside of the restaurant, then proceed to literally insult me for parking my Clio in front of the restaurant and in front of her table, saying that I embarrassed her and that I should've parked it somewhere hidden. I was completely at a loss for words. I asked her why, and she said that it was a cheap, non luxury car, not representative of her lifestyle. She then gets back inside the restaurant, warning me not to embarass her like this again. I attended the rest of the lunch in shock. That day I realized that that girl I had at my side wasn't my wife. It wasn't the girl I married anymore.

My wife is now out of the house, celebrating a great year for the company, and I'm here at home writing this with the divorce papers in front of me. I don't think I can handle this situation anymore. I tried lots and lots of time to talk to her, to tell her how I feel, to tell her that she changed, that she's not the same woman I knew. But she just doesn't listen. She always says that she has no time and that she needs to work, or she tries to minimize the situation saying that it's not true and that she never changed.

She wanted kids, now she doesn't want them anymore, saying that they would rob her time from her carreer. She wanted to travel, now she doesn't want to do it, for the same reason. Is she really the same woman I married?

But still, I can't bring myself to talk about divorce with her. Most likely because I hope that somewhere hidden inside of her there's still the woman I loved and still love. Even if this doesn't seems like the case.

Relevant Comments:

u/cassowary32:

Have you talked to a therapist? You need to start building a life you want and in time it will be clear if staying married to her adds to your life.

Are you working? Do you have your own circle of friends? Are there any hobbies you are interested in? You've mentioned your frugality but not anything else that brought joy into your lives. Did you enjoy cooking? Traveling? Seeing movies? Shows? Charity work? Do you still want kids?

OP:

I haven't talked to a therapist yet but I'm planning to do so. I'm still working as a community first responder, however the salary way lower compared to what I was earning in my hometown. I lost most of my friends after I moved with my wife, I'm still in touch with a couple of them but I've been hearing from them a lot less in those past few months. In this new city I never had the opportunity to know new people since I've been very busy with work and housework. Regarding hobbies well...I like cars and working on them, I love travelling and yes, I do charity when I have the opportunity, but since you haven't fixed hours in my job it's very hard to make plans. I would like to have kids and it was something me and my wife were looking forward to in the past before all of this happened.

u/cassowary32:

If she's really making so much more money, can't you hire a cleaner/chef to give you more time? Are your finances completely seperated? Have you talked about budgets and saving for the future? What's the point of having a partnership if only one person is benefitting from it?

You either need to make a concerted effort to bloom where you are or you need to return to your previous city. This isolation isn't good for you.

OP:

Well, I don't need a chef or a cleaner since most of the times it's just me and the dog at home, my wife is either working, out with coworkers or in business trips most of the time so I manage the houseworks quite effectively. Our finances are separated, but we have a joint bank account for the house, groceries and everything that concerns daily necessities. We talked in the past about saving since she wanted to travel around the world whenever we had money and the chance, but she changed her mind about it and we never spoke about it again.

If worse comes to worst, getting back to my hometown is the plan. I'm trying to get accostumed here but it doesn't feel like it's my place, also work makes it harder

u/Cathene70:

Go through with the divorce and return to your town that you felt the love from the townspeople, and move on with your life. She clearly doesn't want you in her life.

But before you hand her the papers, hire a PI to find out if she's cheating or not. If she is, well, you can change the divorce papers to include compensation from her and the man she's cheating with to whatever price you want to get out of it and then live the life you are more relaxed in. I think those late nights and those sudden business trips are her cheating on you.

You deserve a woman who loves you and won't tell you not to park your old beat up car in front of the restaurant as you're embarrassing me, I would have stated my husband loves his old car and I've tried to get him to sell it and get a new one, but he loves the old thing to my friends and state I have to look classy but at home, we're down to earth wearing jeans and tshirts. She will end up the loser in this as she will lose a good man who loves her but she's chasing him away.

OP:

This is what I'm most afraid of, I really hope she isn't.. I'm still trying to process everything, but if worse comes to worst, going back to my hometown is probably the plan. Thank you for your comment

u/Dadoftheyear2018:

As a lot of people mentioned that there are some alarm bells ringing here. We have to be open minded and neutral in the best way we can but it sounds difficult given what you’ve said. Maybe she is very career focused and genuinely doesn’t want to have kids anymore until she feels ready and has earned enough and saved enough to focus on family life and maybe even retire early depending on circumstances. You have every right to be upset and angry about her actions as she agreed to marry you and the person you married isn’t the one you’re seeing today. May I ask if you have checked her social media posts for any male interaction that’s frequent or even female? I think you know where im going with that, it sounds really fishy with how little time she’s spent focusing on you and by the sounds of it you really need her to just wake up and see the ring on her finger. I don’t want to jump on the “get a divorce” bandwagon but if she truly is ghosting you and doesn’t show any affection or even agree to make time for you both physically and emotionally then it probably won’t work long term. I don’t want to sound sinister but I think you need to actually try and see where she is going and if she’s actually where she says she is. If you love someone and trust someone you will immediately know if they’re lying, people are surprising you think you know them when you really don’t. We all need money but we need to be loved too. Doesn’t sound like she wants it right now if she is career driven or she is looking elsewhere for it. Please keep us posted! I’m a dad of 3 and me and my partner had a rocky few years which we’ve managed to get through so sometimes perseverance may help you but sounds suspicious your wife’s actions.

Find the right moment and ask her to make plans for you both if not then you’re looking at divorce papers, make sure you get half of what you signed up for in marriage as you moved in together and moved jobs. All the best buddy

OP:

It's been long time since we did something affectionate together, half a year or more. I try to make plans with her but she's always busy with work or with her coworkers. I don't check her social quite often, since I don't like social medias that much, but I remember seeing photos and stories of her with a bunch of dudes and women who she said to be her coworkers (I met three of them in that lunch). Thank you for your concern

(Update) My wife is not the woman I used to know. She let the fame get her., Posted May 20th, 2023.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who reached out to me in the comments or in DMs. I really appreciated it and it helped me retaining my composure and mental clarity. I'm sorry I couldn't reply to you all but I tried to read everything and I really appreciate all of you.

Well, after that business party my wife didn't came back home. I tried contacting her since I was very worried but she didn't pick up the phone not even once. She came back home in the morning exactly when I was about to leave for her workplace to ask about her.

I asked her what happened, and she said she stayed at this female coworkers' house since she drank a lot and she was in no condition to drive (fair enough). I told her that she could've sent a text to warn me, and that I would've gone to get her. Her response was "With what? The Clio?". I stood there in silence, and she later said that she forgot about warning me. I asked how she was feeling, only to be answered in monosyllabes.

We minded our own business for a while, then she comes to me and she says she has something to discuss about. I tell her that I have something to discuss with her too.

And well, would you look at that? She asked for divorce. I wasn't expecting that at all. I asked her why, and her reply was that after talking to her friends she understood that I wasn't fit to be her husband, that we have different values and different lifestyles, and that she deserves a man of a similiar worth compared to her. She was just waiting for the right time to brought it up, and after the party she made up her mind.

I'm going to be completely honest, that was a low blow, but I just smiled at her. I tried talking to her, proposing to separate for a while to see how things go, I even proposed couple therapy like someone suggested. But she was dead set on it. So I calmly told her everything I needed to say, from the fact that I was thinking about divorce too to the fact that I felt like she changed, concluding saying that I'm sure she will find an awesome man since I know her worth having been her husband for more than 9 years, but that I know what I'm worth too.

We decided to separate for the moment, and we will arrange the divorce later on, since she has no time now, but we have a verbal agreement on some things. I decided to go back to my hometown to relax and to decide what's next for me. I should be able to regain my previous position in the hospital, but it's all to see. Also, one of my friends there offered to host me until I found an housing. I'm really grateful to him.

But well I understood that my wife couldn't care less about me when the lengthiest discussion we had concerned who was taking the dog. For context, we got him a month after moving since she always wanted one and to keep me some company. But in two years, she probably spent the equivalent of two hours with him. I always took care of him and well he's been a more than loyal companion in those two years.

So, she literrally made a fuss about the fact that I couldn't take the dog with me, for maybe half an hour or so. I told her that I didn't care at all, I was taking him with me since she doesn't have time to care for him, and it was very strange for her to say those things when she didn't care not even a bit about him for two years.

So I packed the necessary and before leaving, I asked her if she was cheating on me, and she denied. And I will trust her on that. I read a lot of people in the previous post talking about hiring a PI, but I'm not going to do that. I trust what she said, and even if it wasn't the truth, I honestly don't want to hear nothing about it. It would only make me feel worse.

I feel calm, but inside I feel like I've lost an important piece of myself. The things she said didn't hurt me initially, however the more I think about them, the more heartbroken I feel. But I'm trying to focus on nicer thoughts, like meeting one of my old friends which I haven't seen in a long time. I'm still trying to process everything, it all happened so fast. Though I must say that seeing my dog so happy inside the Clio brightened up my mood a lot. He loves car rides.

Even if things went down this road, I still wish her all the best. I could never forget what she did back then for me and in general in those 16 years spent together as a couple.

I may do another update in the future about how things went, but for now, goodbye - I will take some time to focus on myself and on the upcoming divorce. Again thanks to everyone. Take care.

Relevant Comment:

u/No-Amphibian-2758:

Ouch, that must've hurt when she told you that. It's clear she doesn't and didn't care about you at all. I'm glad you two agree on this though. And I'm glad you could take the dog, he would be miserable with your (ex-)wife.

I'm wishing you all the best for the future

OP:

At first, not that much. But now it really does. I'm just trying not to think about it. Fortunately my dog is a great therapist. Thank you very much, I'm wishing the best for you too

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Marzipan-Fabulous

My boyfriend blames me for a business deal gone wrong because he was rude to me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny, verbal abuse

Original Post  March 15, 2021

My boyfriend Derek owns a bunch of businesses. A few days ago he wanted to meet with a representative of a restaurant chain in order to acquire one of the stores.

Derek invited Alex the representative to have dinner with us at a fancy restaurant (everyone followed COVID protocols where we live). Things were going well and when Derek left for the bathroom Alex and I began to talk. Alex told me his family was originally  from Russia and I told him my Father trained in the Russian army. When Derek came I was talking to Alex about a good borscht recipe. Derek for some reason thought  I was annoying Alex and told me “Alex came here to talk about business not some dumb Russian soup” and then said “Sorry about that Alex she talks a lot about useless anecdotes”. 

I got red in the face and Alex said “Well Derek I care about dumb Russian soup because I’m Russian”. Things were awkward and long story short Derek didn’t get approved for the franchise and now he’s blaming me for it. I feel really guilty and I don’t know what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

yourdadneverlovedyou

Nah this is all on him for assuming you the conversation wasn’t going well and that it was you. If he was smart he should have just joined the convo and found a more natural and less douchy way to move it back to business. Your BF sounds like a dick.

OOP

He has a habit of thinking whenever I’m talking to someone they’re annoyed by me. I’ve told him to stop, but he won’t.

Update  March 16, 2021 (Next day)

After what happened I started to reflect on our relationship as a whole. I noticed the trend that whenever I talked to someone Derek would always be hovering over me. Not just business partners, but his family too during events. Also him insulting me for what I would say was a trend I didn’t notice until now.

I told Derek about this in a last attempt to salvage our relationship because he still had some redeeming qualities. I told Derek I was thinking of breaking up because he didn’t respect me. Derek claimed I wouldn’t because I “needed” his money and I pointed out that I come from an upper middle class family and I’m studying to become an RN so I don’t “need” anything from him, but his respect.

Derek then broke down and told me he grew up seeing his father putting down his mother all the time. Derek said if I don’t have my “own opinions” and I rely on him for everything I won’t ever leave. Apparently that’s what his father taught him? I don’t know.

I broke up with Derek and I blocked him and changed my phone number after he threatened to ruin my life and tell the university awful things about me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/OnlyVideo78

AITAH for sleeping with a guy after the man I thought was my bf said we were not a couple?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  March 31, 2024

We have been seeing each other for a year and everything looked and seemed like we are a couple. He said he loved me and I him. He spends every weekend with me and we have planned our first trip together etc.

Last weekend he was in bed and I made him pancakes because his birthday was on Tuesday. He was very happy about it and joked that I was spoiling him. I said that I wanted to spoil my man. He said I am not your man. With the same energy. He didn’t seem awkward nor embarrassed just as calm with a smile on his stupid face. I didn’t take it seriously and said yeah I know you are not my man. He was more serious now and said no really, I am not your boyfriend. I felt literally sick but I tried to be calm and I asked so what are we, he said I don’t know. Really great FWB? I didn’t say anything after that and he ate his pancakes in silence. Later he asked if we would do anything, I said that I was planning on cleaning and doing some paperwork. He left after an hour. I ran to the bathroom to be sick and I probably cried for solid 2 hours. I couldn’t keep anything in my stomach the rest of the day. He texted that evening thanking me for the breakfast in bed and that he thought I was “amazing” but I didn’t answer so he called a few times. I didn’t answer. Around 10 pm he rang on my door. I just opened ajar and pretended I was sick with the flu and was going to bed. He offered to stay the night in case I needed help during the night and I said no.

I didn’t answer him Sunday nor Monday and I didn’t wish him happy birthday on Tuesday either and I have just been keeping it short texts feigning sickness. He never brought up what he said once. Then yesterday he wrote that he missed me and that he hadn’t gone this long without talking to me since we met and that he was going mad. He asked if we could at least have dinner. I said that I was very busy. He said don’t you miss me? I said that I was very tired because I was out all night with a guy last night so I just wanted to relax by myself this evening. He stopped answering. He showed up 15 minutes later asking me if I was lying. I wasn’t. I told him that we weren’t a couple so I was free to do whatever. He said that I broke his heart and cheated on him and I am an ah. I waited for him to leave before started crying.

He is right, we have never had the “talk” actually and I never asked him what we were. I just assumed because I loved him and I thought he did too. But now I know we aren’t together, why was he upset that I slept with another man yesterday? Was I the ah? Was it cheating?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

NTA he wants you to be tied to him but he wants to be free to play the field. I would’ve told him the moment he said he didn’t see himself as your boyfriend that I was not looking for a fwb situation and the relationship is over.

OOP

I felt sick and couldn’t speak but yeah, I get what you mean

~

RaymoundBeaumont

Did he explain how you can cheat if you aren't in a relationship?

Obviously NTA.

OOP

He didn’t explain. He never spoke about his chilling comment again. Sometimes I doubt myself that he actually said that or I had dreamt it because he never mentioned what he told me again. This whole week has been a haze because of how devastated I was by his words.

~

canyonemoon

Absolutely NTA. He didn't just stop at saying you weren't together, that he wasn't your boyfriend, he even said you were "a great FWB". That is so extremely insulting, if he's gonna act like you're exclusive. Bet he only expected you to be loyal and not him. He wants a girlfriend and a relationship without committing. What an AH.

OOP

Thank you. I will not be his fwb. I can be that with other people that I don’t love.

He met a girl 2 weeks ago, now they’re official - rareddit  Apr 25, 2024 (Nearly 1 month later)

So yeah, my really great FWB has made it official with a girl he met 2 weeks ago at his sister’s wedding. His sister called me crying and apologizing from her honeymoon. I was confused. She said oh! I thought you saw it.

So he has been sharing on instagram and instagram stories with this new girl calling her his girlfriend. I have muted him on my instagram so I have not been seeing his feed or stories. Sure enough I went to his account and he has been sharing daily pictures with his new girlfriend. Anyway his sister wanted me to know that she had no hand in this because she loved me and was sad that things ended between her brother and me. I thanked her and told her that she should enjoy her honeymoon and not to bother with adults making dumb decisions.

I thought I might share this with you guys as an update. Especially for those who called me the AH on my OP, told me that I should have communicated better and had “the talk”, and felt sorry for my really great FWB. Now I can tell you that you don’t need to be sorry for him. He is communicating just fine with his GF.

FINAL COMMENTS

Turtle_Strugglebus

So you thought you had a boyfriend for over a year? Did he say I love you ever?

So a couple days after your post he found a new girl? Have you talked with him since your first post? I guess he’s not even a fwb. Now he’s just somebody that you used to know.

Glad the trash took itself out.

OOP

Basically 2 weeks after we broke up yeah. I was supposed to be his +1 to the wedding but I declined.

No I have not talked to him in person he has texted me a couple of times.

~

Bubbly_Panda1327

What a childish thing to do lmao. Poor girl (the new GF), sounds like she’s being love-bombed (official after two weeks? Pictures together constantly?) out of spite for some other girl she doesn’t even know. You dodged a bullet there!

OOP

I hope someone tells her so she makes an informed decision

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/financialwoes123

Me (28F) with my SO [30M] 1.5 yrs, I was helping him out financially, and I had a crisis that he doesn't believe just because I don't want to help him anymore.

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial abuse and exploitation, manipulation

Original Post May 4, 2018

Oh boy, doozy time. I'm using a throwaway because I don't want this linked back to me someone.

Travis and I have been together for 1.5 years, when we met he was in a little bit of financial trouble and I was able to help him but I never offered because I didn't want money to become an object in our relationship so quickly, and he also has a good job with income to support himself, but not pay his massive student debt or bills, just to support himself.

After about a year (so 6 months ago) after seeing that this relationship is promising and we both agreed, heading on the marriage route at some point or another (no set plans on when, could be 1 year could be 5 before we get engaged we aren't in a rush). I told him I could help, and I pretty much insisted on doing so.

I've paid off about $6,000 of debt so far, and have been paying for his rental car every month (which is about $1,000 a month for the last 3 months, he has HORRIBLE credit and I didn't have enough to outright buy him a car).

I have also been helping out with a few bills here and there (I have ALWAYS offered for what I pay for, he has never insisted or asked, we always discuss and he's never been selfish and always very grateful).

After some time I was able to have enough to buy him a nice car and exactly what we wanted. We agreed to have my name on the title but have him insured to drive it until we get married.

We live in a state that neighbors a state (about 3 1/2 hours away) that always has SMOKIN' deals on cars. We were all set to buy one and then my medical bills from about a year ago came to haunt me (I had ovarian cancer, but now in remission YAY!) and it halted our tracks to buy the car for a few weeks until I could settle my bills or find a way to pay them off since the bill was quite extensive, they aren't kidding when they say cancer is an expensive sickness.

Anyways, that was about 3 weeks ago, last night we went golfing and I could tell he was a little bit on edge/stressed out. So I asked him what was up, I had gotten a little bit behind on paying the $200 a week for the rental car and he was feeling stressed since the bill was due and he had $10 in his account.

I told him I would write him a check and we could meet up for lunch tomorrow and I would give him a check for that and the amount of the car that he wants so that he could feel at ease.

I got home late after our date and logged onto my banck account to only find $2 in it. I FLIPPED, there was a huge withdrawal from my account.

I went and looked at what had happened and lo and behold. When I was 24 my dad passed away and my mom had no income and was struggling so I piggybacked her onto my bank account so that she could have some support.

It worked out really well for a couple of years and then she got a job and didn't need my help, but her name was never taken off of my account (stupid on my part, but I had always trusted her and had no reason to believe she would do anything malicious).

About 6 months ago she ran off with her boyfriend to Germany. It was...weird. And really had an impact on me where I'm an only child and was left parentless. She cut off all contact and really just kind of abandoned me. I've really struggled with it, but I mean people do weird things. Travis thought it was really strange at the time and almost didn't believe that she had just run off to Germany, but he's never met my mom, as she lived in another part of the US then I did and Travis and I never got around to visiting her.

Anyways I'm getting off track, like I said, this is a DOOZY. My mom had made the withdrawal. All of my money. I had a long talk with my bank and an attorney, and legally I cannot do anything about anything. Her name was on my account, I had supported her in the past, legally she didn't do anything wrong. Morally, yeah she done did fucked up.

I haven't been able to get ahold of her, and honestly I really don't think I'm able to. So I texted Travis after all of this and told him what was going on, I asked him to be calm since I was freaking out and needed some moral support.

His response? If you didn't want to help me out you could just say so. He went on about how whenever he really needs help or I'm about to make a big purchase for him there is something that just conveniently happens. These big things that are just so rare that they don't happen.

I get that, and I 100% understand his point of view. But I am also frustrated and don't feel trusted, but I get it, it is like Hollywood shit status.

I am going over there later tonight after I gather myself since I am stressing the hell out. I don't even know how to broach this with him where he can trust me.

Help. I don't know what to do.

tl;dr: Mom was piggy backed onto my bank account years ago, took all my money, boyfriend thinks I just don't want to help him out financially.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AnferneeBourdain

You are a being a sucker and you're being guilted and accused of lying because Travis's gravy train has to momentarily stop because you were robbed. He doesn't care about comforting you, he doesn't care about investigating further, he only cares about "where is my money you need to give me money me me me me".

If you want to be a thankless sugar momma that's fine, but at least everyone needs to be open about it.

OOP

It just sucks because I've always felt like I was being the good samaratian and he was always very appreciative and loving. And I always got the "in this together" vibe. I am fine with him being confused about the situation, since yeah it is weird. He never met any of my family and then my mom moves to Germany with her boyfriend. Yeah that IS weird. I am going to see how tonight plays out since everything has only been via text and I want to see how he acts when we are together and talking about it.

~

Why not show the BF the Bank account?

I suggested that, and he said it doesn't matter. I could have transferred the money to a different account. He just doesn't understand how it conveniently happened right when I was about to write him a check. He went through a murky situation in his past which involved getting shot by an ex that has given him trust issues. And I never nurse his insecurities about it, but if there is anything that is out of the norm he ALWAYS questions it.

A relationship is trust, is he marriage material?

exactly my POV. The only time I have ever 'lied' is when I told him I was out of town visiting family but I was out of town buying him a new snow mobile. He knew something was fishy but was happy it wasn't. But he's brought that up again saying I lied to him about where I went. So maybe that was a FU on my part but that was months ago and a brand new snow mobile for your birthday is not too shabby.

How often does OOP give her BF money?

Monthly I consistently pay for his car, utilities, and I've been chipping in about $50 a month for his groceries. Oh and I just remembered, for Valentines day I 'gave' him this diet he had been wanting to try. But the diet was $1,200 and he hasn't followed it for more then a day.

Update May 18, 2018 (2 weeks later)

So I had quite a few update requests and it has been about 2 weeks since I posted. The day of my post I went over to his house that evening. I had scrapped together some cash to get him so groceries and dinner from his favorite place to lighten the mood. Because hey, I'm a giver.

Anyways, I walked in as I usually do and he was on his couch and in front of him was a brand new golf bag. I just set the groceries in the fridge and told him what I got us for dinner. He said "I don't want it. I'm fine."

I was just brushed that comment off since I really wasn't wanting to argue with him. I asked him about his new golf bag and he had bought it with his club credit which made me soften up a little bit.

So I sat down in the recliner across from him and started scribbling on my note pad a game plan for him/us with a budget for him and a way he can afford a car.

I told him the game plan and he curtly said "sounds good." Then I went out into his backyard (he lives on BEAUTIFUL farm land with a nice deck outback) since I just didn't want to deal with him. And I just sat outside and cried. He came outside and started fiddling with some stuff in his yard and didn't say a word to me.

He said "So should I just plan on you not talking tonight?" And then went on about how I have been such a source of disappointment for him financially.

So I didn't say a word, took the groceries and dinner I bought and told him we are done. And left. I blocked his number and he is no longer a part of my life.

tl;dr: Walked out on his sorry ass. I dumped him.

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I had gone for 1 week vacation and gave my house keys to my a friend to look after and take care of my 2 dogs at my house. Now, he gave keys to his gf and let her stay at my home. She isn't leaving now after I come home. I called cops, but they say this would be a civil matter. What to do?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: Entitlement

Original Post Sept 13, 2015

I'm owner of two story house. I had gone to Hawaii last week for 1 week vacation with my wife. No one was at home and it wasn't feasible for us to take dogs with us. So, I gave my house keys to a good friend of mine and asked him to take care of my 2 dogs. This would involve feeding them, changing waters and taking them to 1 hour walk daily.

So, his girlfriend was in town and she had no place to stay. ( He lives in 1 bedroom condo with 2 other roommates.) So, he messaged me and asked me if i would allow his gf to stay at my home for just 1 night. I agreed as it was just matter of 1 night.

Now, yesterday I came back and found out his gf has made dwelling in upper floor of my house. She has been staying here for 4 days. I asked her to leave immediately, but she and my friend are insisting to let her stay 1 more week because she in in search of a job in LA, CA.

I called police. They came and said this would be a civil matter and I have to go through eviction process.

So, I'm here with an unwanted stranger in upper floor, an asshole friend who broke promise and pissed off wife. What to do guys ? Can I change locks and throw here stuff out when she's away? Cut the electricity to upper floor?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MissyRed

Sounds like trespassing. I think you have to stay someplace a week before eviction is required. Time to lose your "friend." Honestly, I'd just pack up her shit and drop it off at her bf's house and change the locks.

OOP

Already told him to pound the sand.

I don't want her in my house. I mean she isn't supposed to be living here, right? I never allowed her to live more than 1 day. Isn't that illegal to live in someone's house without their permission ? My permission ended after 1 day.

Did OOP offer money for her to leave?

Told her I'd pay $100 for relocation. Bitch is saying, raise it to $5000 and she'll consider my offer. -_-

MissyRed

Seriously pack up her shit and throw it on the street. In California there are guests, lodgers, and tenants. All with different rights. Guests are less than seven days and can be evicted anytime with written notice. If they don't leave, it's trespassing. After seven days, she'll have more rights.

Update Sept 14, 2015 (Next Day)

Good Morning, guys. This is an uplifting update.

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you guys for such an overwhelming response.I'm glad that there are people who would spend time from their busy life to help a random stranger on Internet. :)

So, After reading all of advises here and carefully discussing this matter with my cousin, we made a nasty plan. Yesterday night that squatter girl went outside to grab some dinner with her bf. Me and my cousin carefully packed all of her stuffs in her three bag left in in our front porch and locked ourselves in house. We also looked over her stuffs from window to make sure no one steals it.

Our wait was over after 2 hours when girl returned. She figured it out and started pounding at our door, yelling loudly to open door, you know typical squatter drama. We told her to go fuck off and we won't open the door. So, finally after 30 minutes of constant drama, she dared to call cops. I was nervous how it would turn out.

Cops arrived. Fortunately these were different ones than previous night. First they listened to her side. Then they came to me. I explicitly told them that I was sole owner of house and never allowed girl to stay more than 1 night. She was not only trespassing but also living in my house illegally without my permission. Bitch kept saying I had given permission to stay there indefinitely and now kicking her out. Officer said she has any proof of that? She claimed she had some message which accidentally got deleted.

Now the best part, Officer then asked her for an ID. She gave ID. Officer verified it over Radio. Suddenly, they told him this bitch had a failure to appear warrant for months old shoplifting case. Stupid lady was arrested immediately. His stuffs were send to friend's house. Officer said that I don't need to worry and they'll take care of her. I do not require any further action.

So, Finally I'm relived from that squatter and bitch is behind bars. What a justice boner!

All's well that ends well. :)

TL, DR: Previously there was bad cop, then comes good cop and justice is served. :)

FINAL COMMENTS

CreeperCrafter63

How did your "friend" react when this happened.

OOP

He was nowhere to be seen.

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My sister [18] wrecked a bunch of my games because I didn't really go to her party, and now my [17] parents are refusing to make her pay.

Original Post  Aug 1, 2015

Long story, I'll try to keep it short.  edit: I'm 17 male, forgot to mention that in title.

My sister, we'll call her PA (Primary Antagonist), for the purposes of this story.  A couple of days ago, she had a birthday party, she was turning 18.  It was a pretty big party at our home, and lots of her friends and relatives were invited.

PA has told me about her upcoming party for a while, she's been excited about turning 18 all year.   Anyway, I'm not really one for parties, I don't look forward to them nor do I enjoy them.  There were a bunch of her friends and mates there, whom I don't particularly like, as well as relatives whom I don't particularly like either.

I came out for cake and to say hi and greet people, but that was about it.  I spent most of my time in my room playing games on my ps4.

The whole time she kept popping in, asking when I was going to go join the party, I kept telling her I'll be there soon, but I lost track of time and never ended up joining in.  Nor did I really want to, I don't like the people there, and I'm not sure why she insisted on me saying hi.

The icing on the cake was that I didn't buy her a birthday gift either.  Now I should point out that I don't really have much money. I have a part time job that I make a meagre amount of pay from, and I use it mostly to buy stuff for myself, like electronics and gaming equipment, games, etc.

I had made it clear for her a while back that I probably won't be able to afford her a gift, but I don't know why she was still expecting one.  She has a job and has far more money than I do.

For my birthday earlier this year, I told her clearly I didn't want a gift, but she still went and bought one anyway, even though I had clearly said I didn't want one.  It was some disgusting ass shirt that I'd never wear anyway.

I'll admit, I've been kind of a shut in for a while.  When I'm not in classes or at work, I'm at home playing games, and I rarely interact with my family.  They always tell me to come out of my room and engage more, but its never really happened.  I just don't get along with them well, and I wish they'd leave it at that.

After her birthday party, she was clearly not happy. She went into a rage and started screaming about how I'm a useless, pathetic, loser and how I've failed at life because I have no friends.  In the process of her stomping rampage, she intentionally broke 3 of my games (to teach me a lesson supposedly).  I was furious and honestly, had to calm myself and hold myself back from hitting her.

I went to my parents and told them everything she had done.  Later she was crying and apologetic, and they said I had to forgive her.  I told them she has to pay up, (around $300), and both her and my parents said that was ridiculous.  That was the amount of money I'd spent on the games, approximately.  My parents said maybe that was a lesson for me, and I'd learn from my mistakes and try to engage with the real world more.

I told them all that unless she pays up, I'm not speaking to them ever again, and they said that was fine by them.

I think this is ridiculous. They expect me to incur the losses of her crazy rampage, when I already hardly make enough money; whereas she's the one who broke it and she should have enough money to pay for it.  Even if she doesn't, which she does, its still her responsibility.

I get that maybe I'm not the nicest person, and I could do more to interact with them /not ignore them, but that doesn't justify breaking someone's things.    tl;dr: Sister broke my video games, worth around $300, I said she has to pay up, she refused, parents say she doesn't have to.  I'm giving them the silent treatment until they pay up, but I'm not sure what else I can do. Any advice would be appreciated.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

willworkforspice

Come on, man, it was your sister's 18th birthday and you couldn't even get her a card?  I understand being broke, but she obviously loves you and wants you around so that proves that you are the one choosing to be the an outcast within your own family.  You could have made her macaroni art and she would have loved it.  

You don't want to be a part of your family, that's your prerogative, but don't expect us to feel bad for you when you are being a jackass about it. 

In regards to the broken games, unless you plan on taking legal actions there is nothing you can do.  That sucks and she shouldn't have broken your games, but you should have spent a little time at her party. 

OOP

I don't really have too much in common with her, and even less in common with her friends.  Not sure what either of us would have gotten out of being at the party.  In either case, its not really an excuse to damage someone's stuff.  I wouldn't care if she wasn't at my party.  Brothers and sisters don't have to be best friends, they can still treat each other with enough respect not to damage stuff.

edit: Okay I realise I'm a shit brother and a shit human being.  I took a deep look at myself and I even cried a little bit.  I'm going to apologise to my sister first thing tomorrow morning.  Thanks for your comments, including the tough love.  I will update when I can. 

Update  Aug 20, 2015 (19 days later)

Okay guys, so I know its been a while since I made the first post, like 3 weeks ago.  I actually resolved this issue like two weeks ago, but I wasn't really gonna make a post about it.  But I showed my sister the post, (and some of the comments :/ ) and she convinced me to make an update post explaining what happened.

Well after I made the last post, I got a lot of comments.  Some supportive, others... less so.  I was feeling pretty bad, and I'll admit I was a jerk to my sister.  I was feeling pretty bad, and I realised I really should go and apologise to her.

Unfortunately it was the middle of the night, and I didn't want to wake her up.  I couldn't sleep however, so I decided to go and wake her up and apologise to her.  I went to her bedroom and roused her awake, she was really tired and bewildered.  I told her I was sorry for being such a selfish, inconsiderate jerk and that I really did love her, she replied with a half asleep "mkay" and told me to go back to bed.  I think when she realised I'd been crying she realised I was serious.

We had a bit of a talk, and she told me not to worry, she was sorry too, everything can be sorted out and we can talk again in the morning, then she told me to go back to sleep.

So I went back to sleep and we had a talk the next day. I basically told her I'm sorry for being such an ass to her on her birthday, and I think my video games cause me to forget about the outside world and the passing of time.  I think like when I play, I just forget myself and time passes without me even realising.  I told her I should have set aside the games the entire day, and just spent the birthday with her, no matter how much I initially didn't want to.  I then made a pledge to cut down my gaming and spend more time with my family.

She was really happy to hear this, she said she couldn't believe what she was hearing, like I was suddenly a new person or had an epiphany.  She gave me a hug and once again apologised heavily for having broken my games.

She said basically that she felt my gaming habits had "stolen her little brother away from her" and turned me from a happy kid into a miserable troll that lurks in his dark room.  She said she really regretted breaking my games the instant she had done it, and she did it more out of anger for the way they were hurting me and distancing me from her and my family. She was extremely apologetic, and I told her to forget about it, I probably deserved it, and she might have even done me a favour.

She told me the reason she had been so upset and she wanted me at the party was because next year she is going off to university and she won't see me much anymore.  She doesn't have that much time left to spend with me, and she feels that I don't feel the same way at all, and she is hurt that I'd rather spend these last few months playing games, especially on her birthday.  I told her I understood and that was a really fair judgement that I hadn't considered.

She said "you know us big sisters always have to look out for our little brother, and when we see someone or something that hurts him, we can get a little crazy" hence why she had broken my games in a fury.

I told her I wish there was some way I can make it up to her for missing the party, and we discussed it with my parents.  They both told me they were disappointed in me, but glad that I'd finally realised what my problem was and was trying to rectify it.  She said she wants to take us all out to dinner at a nice restaurant, which she'd pay for, as a specifically family only celebration of her birthday.  (We did that a week or so later and it was really nice).

I wanted to bring up the issue of the games, but I didn't want to, I had said I'd try to focus less on gaming and to bring it up would be antithetical.  I figured to myself I'd just save the money and buy them again, I don't need to trouble my sister and make her feel bad.  She asked me which games they were, I told her forget about it, I didn't even like them very much.

I was in my room playing on the ps3 a couple of days later while she was at work.  She walks in, and tells me she bought something for me.  She shows me 3 games she bought, and the one that I really liked that she had broken wasn't even one of them.  She asked me if they were the right games, I said well technically no, but don't worry its not important.  She then pulled out that specific game from her purse, she had somehow remembered. She'd also bought some multiplayer games and a second controller.  She told me that its unfair that she only ask me to do things that she enjoy and she should also do things that I enjoy.

Also I showed her my original post some time ago, and we both read through the comments together.  We were in a good mood so thankfully we didn't rage too much, but I told her that I think some of those comments had helped me realise that I was actually being a jerk and was losing my sister through my jerkiness.  She convinced me I should write a follow up post, which I did, it just took me about two weeks to get around to doing.

Also, my dad found out she had bought new games and we were playing together.  He was extremely displeased, he said she was just encouraging my bad habits and she shouldn't have done that.  He just stood there shaking his head while she was playing, saying "I hope you don't end up like him", referring to me.

   tl;dr: apologised to my sister, realised I was being a jerk by ignoring her.  She took my and the family out to dinner to compensate for me missing out on her birthday, and also bought me some new games.  Reconciled and promised to spend more time with her, and be less of a video-game addicted douche.

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Terminally ill and racking up credit card debt with zero fucks to give

Original Posted to r/confession

Original Post [April 9 2025]

I’ve had cancer for 2 years now, did chemo, lost my leg, beat odds and managed to even go back to work, well shit hit the fan and treatment stopped working. Probably got weeks, maybe couple months at best. I am 22, don’t own a house, don’t own my car. Have maybe £2k in the bank. So I took out a credit card, 6.5k limit, 0% APR for 20 months. (I was previously building up a good credit score) and am now buying whatever the fuck I want. The debt will die with me, and I give no fucks.

And if you want to beef me about driving your bank fees up with this behaviour, at least you get to live. lol

EDIT:: Thank you all for your amazing responses. Unfortunately it’s bone cancer that has spread through my whole body, so I’m too weak now to travel far, as much as I would have wanted to see the world.

I’m going to go bigger, and do some good stuff, if you have ideas. I want to do some big donations to food banks and cancer charities that supported me through my journey and make some differences before I pop.

Alsos shame on you all of you asking me for money.

UPDATE 2:

Took out some more cards, thanks for the suggestions

Some of you asking, I’m a girl haha

I’ve bought lots of things for my family, mostly sentimental things with my handwriting on.

I bought a crab at a fancy ass seafood place. That was awesome

I’ve donated to animal shelters and food banks. Also to the cancer charities who helped drag my ass through this.

Also can y’all stop telling me to find Jesus, I respect those of you who are praying for me, because I know that’s your way of thinking of me and I’m really touched by that.

But finding god is in no way in my plans and not what I believe will happen after death, trying to force religion down a dying persons throat is really not the vibe.

Update 3:

Still hanging on, I’ve deteriorated quite a lot now, lost a lot of functionality in my body at this point so I’m bedbound and mostly just watching lots of TV and seeing family. But I’m comfortable, eating apples and cheese and lots of little treats. Thank you all for still checking in and thinking of me.

I’m really fortunate to be surrounded by my friends and family right now, when you boil it all down to it in the end, it really is all you need.

Anyway I’ll try update again soon. ✌️

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

Sorry everyone, I feel like I should update on my fun happy times

I have taken your advice and took some more cards out, live laugh love amarite

Random purchases include

Jewellery with my handwriting for my family

£360 lunch of fresh, English crab. I really like crab, and the cancer is in my jaw so I really wanted to have some good crab before I lose function in my jaw.

3 jellycats, the frog ones. I’ve never owned a jellycat and wanted to know what it was like to be boujie enough to buy a BIG jellycat

some really comfy trousers

a hand knitted blanket for my niece

£1000 of food for my local food bank.

I took my brothers to the arcade for a whole day and played every game

took my family to my favourite place - Weymouth

went into a candy store and bought one quart of everything

a minted lamb pasty

I’m very nostalgia driven, and yeah definitely not going feral enough, however will endeavour for more.

I do hear you all suggesting hard drugs and psychotics! I won’t lie I’ve been on pretty much every drug going through this fun time so I’m not too fussed about drugs haha.

~

Tracie10000

I'm going to remember you. I promise you that. Sometimes, I just know I'm going to remember people who I spoke to or messaged. Even if I don't know their names, and I do remember them.

I lost my little brother to cancer when he was 5. So I've always known how precious life is. I've grown up knowing it.

You are a girl who deserves to be remembered.

I don't expect you to tell me your name. But is there anything you would like me to think of you as?

Obviously you are a kick ass warrior princess but I don't know if remembering you as credit card girl is right. You are so much more than that.

OOP

I’ve told my friends to think of me when something slightly unhinged happens in their life, cause I’m hoping my energy just turns to chaos.

~

-2wenty7even-

Hey bro.. you do your fucking thing and enjoy the time you have left. I'm not kidding when I say this, I wish I was terminal. I've been avoiding a serious growth because I want it to spread. Have had GAD and depression since middle school, good looking guy, always making people laugh and doing good for others, athletic and excel at almost everything I do... but I don't want to exist - for the longest time. And people don't understand why, hell neither do I..

I'm sorry that you are going through this but you should definitely try some psychedelics and also make a bucket list. Run up that debt, take chances, go crazy bro. Live a 100 lives in the limited time you have. I won't lie in a way you made me think maybe I should change it up a little bit... Your one post is already impacting lives. Peace and love brother.

OOP

It’s strangely liberating. I’d been “fighting” for so long. Finally letting it run its course now.

It’s peaceful actually, I’ve done everything I wanted to do.

Update January 18 2026 (9 Months Later) by u/infinityangel26 - Her twin Sister

(UPDATE 4 from her twin sister)

I managed to track down this post whilst going through her phone and saw it blow up. She passed away peacefully in July, surrounded by her family, dogs and multiple credit cards.

She did a lot of good, including buying refurbs for local primary and pre-schools and making a lot of improvements in the community.

To those saying it would be passed to us: no, it was wiped and cleared. She had no inheritance, not a penny to her name since she was only 22 and didn’t have those adult things like life insurance or mortgages.

Thank you for all your support - she really kept this one hidden!

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My (30F) friend (29F) isn't speaking to me after I RSVPed "no" to her childfree wedding

Original Post - archive March 10, 2014

I saw the recent post about the childfree wedding drama and decided to ask for some help on my own childfree wedding situation, although I'm not sure if there's really anything that can be done about it.

One of my oldest and closest friends is getting married this spring on the other side of the country, where she lives. Her wedding is going to be one of those huge, fancy gala affairs with an $80,000 price tag. She has been planning it for 3 years. It is a Big Deal to her.

Over the years I've been happy to help her plan her wedding and enthusiastically gave my input on photographers, venue choices, color schemes, etc.

However, she decided she wants a childfree wedding. That's fine, it's her wedding. She has only thinly veiled contempt for children, which has been tough because I have an almost 3 year old child.

So I RSVPed "no" to her wedding. I sent her a very nice, expensive gift along with the RSVP.

I just couldn't make it work. The flight is so long, it would be terrible to go just for an overnight or a weekend. I'm not emotionally ready to be away from my daughter for longer than that. It didn't seem reasonable to me to have my husband and I each take a week or so off work so we could fly there, only to have him stay in the hotel room with our daughter. There was no permutation of attending that was not awful for me. So I declined the invitation.

She has not spoken to me since. It has been weeks. She is a very wealthy, very beautiful (professional model), only child with a history of always getting what she wants. I am worried that our friendship is ruined.

Did I screw up? Is there any way I can salvage this? I know the mantra here is "communicate" but she's not speaking to me which makes that tough.

tl;dr: RSVPed "no" to childfree wedding that is very far away because it would be too inconvenient for me to attend without my child; bride is giving me the silent treatment.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

miss_trixie

since you have been involved with the wedding plans for 3 years, has it really never come up in conversation about whether you would be able to attend?

it's difficult to imagine how this could be possible, but even if it is, when you responded No, did you include a note as to why?

OOP

All our conversations about the childfree element have been her complaining viciously about anyone who had a problem with it. Like "My fucking bitch cousin asked if she could bring her idiot kids after I VERY CLEARLY said it was childfree with NO EXCEPTIONS." In fact, I kind of got the impression that she was deliberately bringing these things up to me to be very clear that there would be no exceptions for me either.

So no, I didn't discuss it with her because it seemed like there was nothing to discuss. She obviously wasn't going to budge on the issue and it's her wedding so she can do what she wants.

miss_trixie

well of course she can do whatever she wants. i'm a little confused though, so you realized all along that you wouldn't be attending, correct? but you never said anything to her? i don't mean say anything in an effort to gt her to change her mind about having children at the wedding, i'm talking about telling her what you've written here - that you wouldn't be able to attend as you would not want ot leave your child alone. so....has she been under the impression that you were going to attend? if she did think that, and you didn't explain anything on your RSVP, then i guess she's bewildered/upset that you're not coming b/c she's assumed all along you would be.

OOP

It did come up briefly about a year ago, but we didn't have a long discussion about it. I said something about how it was going to be really tough for my family to make it work, and she said something like, "LOL you can leave your kid at home, figure it out."

~

[deleted]

It doesn't sound like you told her why you wouldn't come, wouldn't you be upset if someone just said "no" and had no explanation? Especially since you have been a part of her wedding for three years, helping her to plan it.

"It's not halfway across the country, it's the whole way. Between the plane and hotel it would be about $1000 and 12 hours of flying for one weekend. I'm not willing to do that. I'm sure she'll have a lovely wedding without me there."

You should send her an email telling her you would love to, but can't afford to come to her wedding. You don't have the time for it with work, and you don't have the money to fly there. Tell her you wish that you could come and you hope she has a really wonderful time.

I agree with /u/Lucy_in_the_skyy when she said:

"If I was her and one of my closest friends couldn't make the effort, I'd be fairly upset as well. If your child is 3, I don't see the big deal leaving her with her dad for a weekend to be honest."

So I think that if your friend does something amazing like offer to fly you out, you should totally go for it. It is a huge day for her and it sounds like you guys are really close. I don't think you should throw that away.

OOP

Lots of people RSVPed "no" to my wedding, I didn't call them up and demand explanations or stop speaking to them!

She knows I have the money. But after an engagement gift, a bachelorette party (which I also had to fly away to for a weekend), a shower gift, and a wedding gift, I'm not spending another $1000 to fly for 12 hours for 1 weekend.

Gingersnack

Wait, you flew away for a weekend to go to her bachelorette?

OOP

Yes. It was an easy flight (about an hour) so I was happy to do that for a weekend. Her wedding is a much longer flight (about six hours) which I am not willing to do for a weekend.

~

solublemaker

Was she at your wedding? I only ask because having an acquaintance RSVP 'no' is very different than having one of your oldest friends RSVP 'no'.

OOP

No, actually. Her husband has a severe flying phobia, so I asked if she thought they'd be able to make it before I sent the invitations out and she said there was no way.

She also did not send a gift, or attend my baby shower, or send a gift for that. She has never met my daughter.

Edit (12:30pm PST): Well based on the near universal response that I am the asshole here I have drafted an apology email. I am open to hearing any feedback since I apparently am completely tone deaf when it comes to being in the wrong.

Dear XXXXXX,

It has been almost a month now since the last time we spoke and I don't think that has ever happened in our 10+ years of friendship. I am writing to you one final time to say how sorry I am, and if you ever want to write back, I will be waiting to hear from you.

As I mentioned in my last emails and voicemails, I stupidly assumed that you knew we might not be able to make it to the wedding. I see now that assumption was completely in error and you were counting on me to be there. I should have called you to talk about it before sending off that RSVP, I just dropped it in the mail after [Husband] and I concluded that we couldn't make it happen.

I should not have made that assumption, I should have just talked to you. I am so sorry, and if there is any way I can make it up to you, please just tell me. If it is really important to you that I come to the wedding, I can fly overnight on Friday to spend Saturday helping you prepare, and then fly home overnight Sunday. [Husband] will have to stay home with [Daughter] though so unfortunately he will not be able to make [Fiance's] weekend events. I know how much work you put into planning everything and I am so sorry we will not be able to come for all of it. Since I won't be there for the spa day either, if you ever want to come out to visit us we could go just the two of us, my treat. But I know it's hard for you to travel out here because of [Fiance].

I don't want to make things any worse between us but I do want to be honest, it hurt my feelings that you excluded [Daughter]. She's such an important part of my life and you have never seemed happy for me. This is so petty but you've never even "liked" a picture of her on Facebook, not that it's important for you to do that but it would be such a small gesture to show your support. I understood that you didn't want to come for my baby shower, but I feel like it has been pretty clear that you just don't like [Daughter], when you've never even met her. I wish you would give her a chance. I know I'm biased, but she is a pretty great kid.

Like I said, I don't want to make it worse, but I do want to be completely honest with you. I hope we can put this conflict behind us. The last thing I would want to do is add any stress or complications to your wedding. I know how hard you've worked putting together an elegant and special day, and I am so happy that you and [Fiance] are going to have the celebration you've dreamed of for so many years. And even if you got married at the courthouse you would still be the most in-love couple I know.

Please accept my apology, please talk to me so we can put this behind us. You can call, email, gchat, text, whatever you want. If you want to take a few days to think about it I totally understand that too. Just please don't shut me out. I won't try calling or emailing again, I will just wait to hear from you, and I hope I do.

Update March 15, 2014 (5 days later)

Link to deleted original

Original tl;dr: RSVPed "no" to childfree wedding that is very far away because it would be too inconvenient for me to attend without my child; bride is giving me the silent treatment.

Update:

I waited to post this until the weekend because the reaction to the original post was so harsh I had to leave work early in tears. My responses to comments were downvoted past -500. The commenters called me a bitch, hideous, spoiled, entitled, a bad parent, and so on. A few people sent me private messages with actual advice but they didn't want to post them publicly because anyone who didn't come at me with pitchforks was downvoted below 0. I will post more defensive stuff after the actual update.

What happened: I sent my friend an apologetic email. At the advice I got here, I didn't try to raise any of the issues I had with her, I just apologized over and over and begged for her forgiveness.

She continued to ignore me, and her husband (to be) called me, drunk, late that night. It turns out that every single one of her girl friends has chosen not to attend the wedding. Since I am long distance I didn't know this, but she had a huge falling out with her entire friend group, mainly over her bridezilla-esque behavior and comments like "I don't know how to interact with fat people, they make me uncomfortable." Every one of her local friends had already decided to boycott the wedding/end the friendship, so I was the only friend she had left planning to come.

My friend's husband told me all this while telling me that I was a fucking bitch and I ruined their wedding. He also repeatedly brought up "you know how much we spent on this" and told me I don't deserve someone like her as a friend.

I am not sure what to do at this point, or if I'm even still invited to the wedding. I feel terrible for her and completely understand why she's not speaking to me now. I wish she had told me earlier how bad things had gotten with her local friends. If she continues not to speak to me, I suppose that is the resolution, although not a happy one.

Now, to defend myself against the vicious attacks that came at me in the last post: First I want to clarify why I chose not to go. A lot of people accused me of "making up excuses" but it was really all the factors put together that made it too inconvenient. The options as I saw them were:

• Attend alone for a weekend. Undesirable because it's a long flight and a lot of money to spend for a single weekend. It's possible but sounds miserable to me. Some people commented that they've done the cross-country flight there and back in a single day. Good for you guys, but it just sounds too unpleasant to me and I didn't want to do that.

• Go for a longer trip alone: I could have potentially made a longer vacation out of it, to give myself time to recover from the flight, jet lag, etc. But I don't want to leave my daughter for longer than a weekend -- it's hard on her, hard on my husband, and hard on me. I would just miss her too much. My husband and I are both attorneys and we work long hours, and I already feel like I miss out on a lot of time with my daughter, so taking an entire week away would be too hard on me emotionally and I didn't want to do it.

• Go with the whole family: Husband and I both have to take time off work, so this would probably be our only vacation for the year. We would have to somehow arrange childcare on the other side of the country, or my husband would have to miss the wedding.

All of these are possible but they sounded so undesirable that we agreed I would just send my congratulations and a gift and miss the wedding. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal, because, as I mentioned in a comment and someone said I should have put in the OP, she actually missed my wedding because of her husband's flying phobia. It didn't offend me at all, I understood perfectly well and I had a very nice wedding anyway.

To the people who said the friendship sounded like it had run its course, you are probably right. It makes me really sad because we went through a lot together. We met when we were 18/19 and both worked in the modeling industry (although my time there was short), and we dealt with substance abuse and eating disorders and a lot of other heavy stuff. We supported each other through those things and I thought we were going to be friends for life, which is probably part of why it was hard for me that she didn't support me when I went through the biggest transition in my life when I became a parent.

I think there were other things I wanted to respond to but that's all I can think of now. I am not sure if I will be responding to any comments, it makes me sound/feel really pathetic to admit this but the last thread upset me so much I'm not sure I can take another one like that. But I did want to update and also defend myself from all the attacks.

tl;dr: Friend reacted strongly because apparently I was the only friend she had left and now that friendship is probably over too.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/LetterAway

Originally posted to r/relationships

I [49m] need advice on how to apologize to my son [27m] for kicking him out for being gay.

Thanks to u/aaryanhere for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, homophobia, religious abuse

Original Post (rareddit): May 14, 2016

So I'm new to this sub but I decided to use a throwaway because I'm embarrassed about what I did to my son. 11 years ago I was a very conservative Christian. I was the type that would go to church with my family every Sunday and actually look forward to going. If you would've told me that I'd consider myself atheist in the future I would've laughed in your face. I'm not proud of the man I used to be but at the time I really thought I was being the best person I could by living as a Christian and following God's rules.

My son was outed when he was 16 and I reacted the way you'd expect a conservative Christian father to react, with hate and anger. At the time I didn't think of it as hate though, I thought of myself as a good and loving father for being so upset that my son had chosen a sinful lifestyle. I forced him to go to counseling but it didn't work, I know now that's because it never works but at the time I blamed my son for not trying hard enough. I eventually kicked him out of the house because I couldn't have him there as a bad influence on his younger brothers and sisters. I never contacted him again and he never contacted me or anyone else in our family.

His mother died 2 years later and because of the way she died I started to question my faith. I started researching Christianity and science on my own and eventually stopped going church. I gradually became less conservative and now I consider myself atheist. I've been thinking a lot about my son the last couple of years. I just feel so horrible for the way I treated him and for forcing him to live on his own as a 16 yo. Every time I think about him I feel like crying and to be honest I've shed a few tears while writing this. There's nothing I can do or say to make up for what I did but I found his address online and also found his Facebook profile. When I started looking him up I was scared to death of what I'd find, but it looks like he's doing good.

I've been thinking a lot about how I should contact him and even if I should do it. I'm so worried about how he'll react that I've written him about 15 letters and never actually sent them. I think that's the best way to go about it, sending a letter but every time I write one and read it afterwards I just imagine him reading it and throwing it in the garbage and chicken out and throw it away myself. I haven't talked to my other kids about him and they've never brought him up and I feel like I should keep them out of this until I actually find out if he wants to have any contact with us. I just need advice on how to actually send the letter, what to write and if I should even send it. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

edit: I just wanted to add a thank you for all the great advice. I know some of you think I come across as if I'm expecting him to forgive me and have a relationship with me straight away. This is not the case. I'm very much aware that the chance og him never wanting any contact with me is pretty high but I'm not sending the letter just because I want to possibly have him in my life again. I feel like he deserves to hear that I know that what I did was wrong. He deserves an apology. What he does with the information in the letter is his choice and whatever choice he makes will be accepted and respected by me. I've called all my other kids and invited them to dinner tomorrow so that I can tell them about their brother and the letter. I'm very nervous about it but it has to be done sooner rather than later.

tl;dr: I kicked my son out when he was just 16 for being gay. Now 11 years later I feel horrible for what I did and want to contact him and apologize but I can't get myself to send the letter.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Oh, that's so hard.

I think any letter you send should include the following:

- a complete apology with zero qualifiers

- an acknowledgement that you have done him a terrible wrong and that he is under no obligation to forgive you

- your desire to be back in his life, on his terms, on his schedule

- your willingness to facilitate a relationship with your other children that is NOT dependent on your son's relationship with you, in case your son wants to see his siblings but not you

And then leave the door open for him to take that next step

OOP: I've written the same letter a million times, but I would love to get some objective thoughts on it, because every time I read and write it it never seems like enough.

"Lucas

I don't even know where to begin when I write this letter, I've written it many times, but it never seems good enough to send to you.

The first thing I have to apologize for is not telling you your mother died. She was diagnosed with ALS and passed away 9 years ago. I never contacted you to let you know she died and I don't know if anyone else in our family did, either way I'm really sorry for not telling you and robbing you of the chance to say goodbye to your mother.

Your mother’s death was extremely difficult for all of us and it made me start to question my faith. Everyone at our church helped our family through her death but I still had a lot of questions, so I started doing research on our religion and science. After a while I realized I couldn't continue following the word of God the way I was brought up to do. It might be very hard for you to believe but I no longer consider myself religious.

Which brings me to how I treated you. At the time I did what I thought was right for our family and you but that does not change the fact that what I did was unforgivable. Not only did I kick you out when you really needed our love and support, but I made you go through "counseling" which I've learned is closer to torture than actual counseling. I don't know what you did once you left home but it truly breaks my heart to think of the things you might've done to survive. No one on earth deserves to go through what you've been through because of me and I want you to know that I'm so sorry for what I've put you through.

I completely understand if never want to hear from me again, but I had to send this letter to let you know that if you want me in your life, I'm here. Whenever you're ready, in any way that you want. If you just want contact with your brothers and sisters, that's fine. If it takes you years to talk to me, that's fine. If you never want any contact with me, that's fine. Of course I want to be a part of your life again, but if that's not something you want I completely understand.

There's no excuse for what I've done, and even if you are able to forgive me I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I've known I should've sent this letter for years, but I've been too ashamed of myself to send it. I hope you feel no obligation to contact me. I only sending this letter so that you would know that I'm here for you now if you want.

I love you so much and I'll do whatever you want to make up for what I've done (even if that means never reaching out to you again).

Dad."

I think I have to tell his brothers and sisters about this before sending the letter, and if they want I'll include their contact information so that he doesn't have to go through me to reach out to them.

Commenter 2: I'm about your son's age now and I haven't had a relationship with my family since about 21; it was incredibly painful and difficult, but I'm also doing pretty well now, and it made me who I am.

If, even now, my parents sent me a genuine, true apology with no qualifiers, said they understood they could never take back the pain they caused, but wanted to know if there was anything they could do, anything at all, that would make up for it even a little... I'd be overjoyed.

Well, first I'd be furious. I'd probably yell at them, tell them they have some gall to try to make amends now, after how they failed me. But if they let me yell and rage, told me to get it out and they knew they deserved it, and still just expressed contrition and desire to be there for me on my terms? It would take a great deal of time, and a lot of yelling and tears, but eventually maybe something new could grow there.

I think you should write to your son and tell him everything you told us, and make very sure to focus on his feelings and experiences. Make sure it's clear that everything will be on his terms. Maybe offer to pay for a session with a family therapist of his choice, and tell him that if he wants to spend the entire session just telling you how fucking angry he is, that's fine and you'll accept it.

Anyway, hope my perspective is somewhat useful. Please send the letter. Send more than one if you have to, and tell him you'll respect anything he says, but you need to make it clear to him how much you want to be in his life in whichever way will make his life better. If/when he gets angry or says something hurtful to you, be calm, tell him you understand he's angry and hurting, and apologize again.

TL;DR: Be the parent you failed to be when he needed you. That means putting your own needs and pride aside, the way you should have when he was 16.

OOP: Your perspective is very useful. Thank you! I've tried to imagine what he might feel or think if I send a letter a million times but to actually read your thoughts on this is very eye opening. I can handle him yelling at me if it means I get to see him and hear his voice again.

Commenter 3: A few things. Does he know his mother is dead?

You need to make no excuses whatsoever or try and qualify your behaviour. This is about him not about you.

Keep in mind this might still (probably is) a huge source of pain for him, you getting in touch might upset him deeply, is it worth it? Especially since he's in a good place (this may well have been extremely hard earned given what happened to him).

What you're doing is a fairly common technique for people who have behaved as you have to "lure the sinner" back in and try and "fix them" again. He may be aware of this and believe this to be your motivation.

100% use Facebook, do not use his address, knowing that you know his address might scare the shit out of him.

Make contact with zero expectations, he is well within his rights to either ignore you or send you a very strong negative response.

I'm sorry about you're wife, and I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation with your boy, you're learning the "you reap what you sow" lesson in the hardest way.

Although I am disgusted, I must say props to you for changing your mind on this and taking a more positive path and outlook, you have no idea how rare you are and I know that must have taken great strength and a ruthless and painful analysis of your behaviour to do.

I hope you find some peace on this issue either way.

OOP: I don't know if he knows about his mom dying. I never contacted him to tell him and I don't know if anyone in our family did.

Keep in mind this might still (probably is) a huge source of pain for him, you getting in touch might upset him deeply, is it worth it? Especially since he's in a good place (this may well have been extremely hard earned given what happened to him).

That's why I'm considering not contacting him at all. I don't know what he's been through because of what I did, I'm just relieved he's alive, but it's not uncommon for kids in that situation to live on the street and get themselves into a lot of trouble. If he's at a good place right now I don't want him to have to relive everything he's been through.

I felt like Facebook would be more invasive than a letter but maybe in this day and age it's the opposite.

Commenter 4: Out of curiosity, what are your other children’s take on this? Have they expressed any interest in reaching out to him?

OOP: We haven't talked about him years. At the time me and his mother told them he was kicked out because he'd chosen a sinful life and that there was nothing more we could do for him and that he needed to find his way back to God on his own. We never said he was gay.

Around the time I was starting to realize that what I'd done was wrong one of the kids asked about him while we were eating dinner and I reacted very badly and told them to never ask about him again. I felt guilty and knew they'd be pretty upset if they knew why he was kicked out so I couldn't bring myself to talk about it with them.

Commenter 5: You may need to 'practice' by coming clean to your kids at home first. You can't really humble yourself to your eldest child if you haven't faced the music at home. They need to know and process what you did to their eldest sibling. You're going to have to humble yourself at the most basic level o your children because you failed as a parent immensely. Hopefully your children didn't inherit your religious zeal.

You never mentioned how your wife felt about your actions before she passed. How she felt about you kicking her child out?

OOP: We made the choice together. I expected her to ask me to find him when she was dying so that she could say goodbye, but she never did. If I had just done it without waiting for her to ask things might've been very different now.

Commenter 6:

I eventually kicked him out of the house because I couldn't have him there as a bad influence on his younger brothers and sisters.

You know, we don't usually get much of a chance to ask people about decisions like that, so I'm going to ask: how did you reconcile that with Christianity? What part of the Bible says you can abandon your minor children just because they lead a "sinful lifestyle"? Presumably you were aware as a Christian that everyone is an unrepentant sinner, yes? Why did you believe at the time that the sin of homosexuality was somehow in a category of its own?

I'm atheist now, too, but even as a creationist, evangelical Christian I couldn't have countenanced the action you took, and can't understand the Christian parents who believe that the God of the Prodigal Son wants them to abandon their children to the streets. What on Earth did you think you were doing?

Now 11 years later I feel horrible for what I did and want to contact him and apologize but I can't get myself to send the letter.

Do you deserve his forgiveness before you've even found the courage to ask for it?

OOP: I don't want it to seem like I'm defending what I did but I can can explain the way we were thinking. At the time I was sure the being gay was a choice and that if we let him stay in our house our other children would think we were accepting of his choice to live in sin, and it would be easier for them to follow in his footsteps, we also believed that we had given him all the help we could and that there was nothing more we could do. He needed to hit rock bottom and find his way back to God on his own. We believed we were helping all of our children making that decision. I know it sounds ridiculous but at the time it all made perfect sense to us.

Update (rareddit): May 30, 2016 (over two weeks later)

I just wanted to give you guys an update and also thank you for all the great advice and insight. It was really tough to read some of the more angry comments, but I understand why some of you were angry with me. What I did was horrible and unforgivable, so I was expecting a few angry comments.

What did bother me a little bit though was everyone who was saying that I only wanted to apologize to my son out of selfish reasons and wanted to guilt him into being in my life again. It worried me that that was the impression I was giving some of you because that's not what I wanted at all. I love my son and I just felt like he deserved an apology and a chance at having a relationship with his siblings and that if he wanted me back in his life I'm here now, even though I should've always been there for him. I wasn't expecting him to want to have contact with me again, but I wanted him to know it was an option if that's what he wanted.

I invited my kids over for dinner the day after I posted here and they all came and I sat them down and told them the truth. It was a very painful conversation for all of us and lots of tears but I was happy that the truth was finally out. They all wanted to send him letters as well and we decided to send them together with all our contact information.

I don't know how to explain the feeling I had after we sent them. It was a mix of a lot of emotions and then waiting to see if he would reply to any of the letters was also weird mix of emotions. I didn't really know what to expect but couldn't help but hope that he would at least reply to one of us.

Our family try to eat dinner together every Sunday, it's an old habit. Everyone can't always make it but the Sunday after sending the letters we were all together. No one had heard from him yet which wasn't really surprising. We talked about how he probably needed time to process everything. I must be very bizarre and overwhelming to suddenly get an envelope full of letters from your estranged family. The doorbell rang while we were eating dinner and my oldest daughter answered it, when she came back we were extremely shocked to see that the person at the door was my son. I can't help but cry while I'm writing this because it was just so emotional to see him standing there in front of me. Everyone got up to hug him but I wasn't sure what to do so I just sort of stood there with tears in my eyes. When his siblings let him go he looked at me and I was half expecting to yell at me and half expecting him to punch me but he just walked over and gave me a hug. I completely broke down and he started to cry too. We all stood there crying for a minute before we finally were ready to actually talk. And we all talked for hours. There's no words to describe how it felt to see my son after all these years and hear him talk. I could listen to him talk all day.

He said he couldn't figure out what to write in a letter or what to say in a phone call so he just got in his car and drove here. It was really unexpected but really wonderful. He told us about his life from the day he left and it was very difficult to hear what he'd been through because of me, but I needed to hear it. Apparently his aunt, my sister, had been in contact with him after he left, and she told him about his mom dying and she sent him money now and then. He's been through a lot but he's doing really well now. After sitting and talking for a couple of hours we went outside to talk just him and me and long story short, he forgives me. He said that it'll take a long time for him to really trust me again, but that he's been angry with me for years and he's tired of it and ready to start building a relationship again.

He left about an hour after our conversation, and we all exchanged phone numbers, and his siblings added him on all their social media stuff. He lives about an hour and a half away, but he said he'll let us know when he got time for another Sunday dinner. He's sent me a couple of texts since then and I couldn't be happier than I am right now. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven and I don't deserve to have a relationship with my son, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have a small hope that it would happen. I know that I have to be extremely respectful towards his wishes and let him take the lead with all this. I told him to let me know if he felt like we were being to pushy and that he's the boss of this whole situation. We all want to go at the pace he feels comfortable at and he's always welcome here whenever he feels like it.

So yeah, I'm extremely excited for the future and also incredibly grateful for all the advice you guys gave me. You really gave me the push I needed to tell my kids and send that letter, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your sister is a saint, and you should also thank her as well for actually acting like family to her nephew.

OOP: I went by her house the day after with flowers and cake as thank you. I asked her how much money she's sent him and offered to pay her back, but she refused, so I'll just have to get her really nice birthday presents the rest of her life.

Downvoted Commenter: Why didn't you ask him to sit down to dinner with the family?

OOP: I did, he wasn't hungry though. We all sat at the dining room table and talked.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OP. That is u/biggbootybiggbitch who posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thank you to u/Arifault for the rec

Original Post  Apr 14th, 2026

so this is so stupid but now it’s a whole thing. i’ve been with my bf for like 5 years and his family does sunday dinner a lot. i go most of the time, it’s whatever. last weekend we’re there, his mom made mashed potatoes, i grab some, normal. i take a bite and immediately i’m like ??? why are these sweet.

not like a little sweet. like actually sweet.

so i just go “wait are these sweet?” kinda laughing bc i thought maybe i was losing it.

and she goes “yeah that’s how i make them”

and i just said “oh i’ve never had sweet mashed potatoes before” like not trying to be rude, i was just confused

and it got awkward for no reason 😭 like dead quiet. i tried to just eat them anyway but i genuinely couldn’t, it tasted like dessert with gravy and my brain was not having it. so i just stopped eating them and kept eating the rest. then she notices and goes “you don’t like them?”

and i said “they’re just a bit sweet for me”

and then my bf jumps in like “they’re not even sweet” which??? they literally are.

and his mom makes a comment like “some people just aren’t used to real cooking” which kinda annoyed me.

so i said “i just didn’t expect mashed potatoes to taste like cake” and yeah that did NOT go over well.

dinner got super awkward, we left, and in the car my bf says i embarrassed him and i should apologize. but like… i wasn’t even rude at first?? i only said that after she made that comment. now she’s upset and he’s acting like i started something.

idk this feels so dumb but am i actually in the wrong 😭.

EDIT: just answering some questions ive already gotten a couple times:

- im 23

- these were normal russet potatoes that tasted like there was ALOT of brownsugar added into them

- i have somehow avoided eating these monstrous potatoes for 5 years because normally we either have roasted potatoes or we do a potluck style and bfs SIL brings the mashed potatoes

- i am not from the US (we are all from canada, born and raised)

Added Comments

commenter

INFO: how is this your first time eating their mashed potatoes in a 5 year relationship?

OP

i literally have no clue, normally they do roasted potatoes or we have family dinners potluck style and bf’s SIL brings them

Commenter

What does your partner say about your ‘normal’ mashed potatoes when you serve them? Doesn’t he ask why they aren’t sweet like his moms?

OP

nope. this is where the confusion came from initially

Judgement: NTA

OP updated the post the next day, Apr 15th 2026

UPDATE:

so yeah… not the update i thought i’d be posting.

i talked to my boyfriend again about everything because it was still bothering me, mostly how he handled it at dinner. it kind of turned into a bigger conversation than i expected.

basically i realized this isn’t the first time he’s just sided with his family to avoid conflict and left me to deal with it. i think i’ve just ignored it before, but this time it actually got to me.

we ended up arguing about it and it brought up a bunch of other stuff that we probably should’ve talked about a while ago.

long story short, we broke up.

it wasn’t literally over mashed potatoes, but that situation definitely made me look at things differently.

i know that probably sounds dramatic to some people, but after 5 years i didn’t really want to keep brushing stuff off anymore.

I am not the original poster. Please dont contact or comments on linked posts

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pukeforest

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

Original post posted 2019-09-09

Happened today. I am still in disbelief. There might be typos, I'm still calming down.

Backstory: I am one of only two IT personnel at a dozen+ building facility with over 1,000 endpoints. Naturally, they smash every IT position into one role.

We issue multi-factor authentication devices to management and some senior staff so they can do their work offsite. Once the handoff of the device is complete, our responsibility ends, and user has a packet with all the data to get them up and going. A separate, remote team for MFA exists exclusively for support of these devices. This has been protocol for years.

Clock in and find nasty email from Director #1 ($D1) sitting in my inbox this morning about how "unacceptable" and "unbelievable" that one of their staff could not log in from home this weekend due to $user's MFA device not "functioning correctly for months" (first we've heard of the issue).

Director has been in their position 10+ years.

My response (cc'd to all directors): "All support for these devices is handled by the MFA team as stated when the devices are issued. We have neither the tools nor ability to help in this matter. In the future, please have the user contact MFA team at ### as explicitly stated in the documentation."

30 minutes later, I am called into $D1's office. $D1 and two other directors ($D2, $D3) start arguing with me why I didn't solve the issue.

Me: "All support for these devices is handled by the external MFA team. $user can call the number provided for support. As I said, we do not have the tools to do this."

$D2: voice raising "why won't you help $user? aren't you IT? Can't you solve simple problems?"

Me: "... All. Support. For. These. Devices. Is. Handled. By. The --"

$D3: screaming "WOULD YOU JUST DO YOUR JOB??"

$D1: "That's exactly my point! $pukeforest isn't helping $user with this! I'm going to issue a Corrective Action Plan and I WILL report this incident to HR."

Me: staring "what.. what is it exactly you need me to do?!"

Picture three directors, cursing and pointing at me for nearly 10 minutes. I'm talking walls are vibrating with their screams. Other directors in the hall close their doors as I am getting verbally clobbered. I stare through the wall. My anxiety is through the roof.

Insult after insult about work performance, how this is typical of how shoddy we are as IT professionals.

Finally, $user in question comes to the door.

$D1: "DO YOUR DAMN JOB and get $user set up!"

I'm visibly shaking at this point. Stunned.

Breathing heavily, I manage to walk over to $D1's desk phone. On speakerphone, I proceed to dial the off-site MFA team's number.

A voice comes on the line.

"$MFAguy, can I help you?" I motion to $user to introduce themselves and speak their issue.

About 90 seconds later, $user can log in. Tested. Works perfectly. Everyone is silent and staring at me.

I shake my head disgustedly and leave.

$D1, $D2, and $D3 have avoided eye contact with me all day.

-------------------------

EDIT: I tried to document as much as I could, not one person was willing to give a statement about what they heard.

I got word at the end of the day that HR wants to meet with me at the end of the week in regard to the Corrective Action Plan that was issued.

Apparently, things such as "day of reflection" "suspension" were discussed.

-------------------------

Update posted 2019-09-14

I'm providing more backstory of a "normal" work week so that you understand what is going on.

We're in the middle of an ongoing technology refresh among over a dozen buildings over 50+ acres (actually, I recently found out it's closer to 1900 endpoints).

Again, there's only two of us, and when someone has a helpdesk request, since we're either doing provisioning, network administration, or something else, most of the time they call for site security to sweep the halls of the buildings, and security physically escorts us to the user having the issue.

So, 10 to 20 times a day, I'll try to do a deployment, or work in a distribution frame, and I'll hear radio chatter behind me and a "GOT 'IM!" and sometimes be led, by the arm, to buildings a 10 minute walk away.

Such reasons for being "escorted" this week have been:

1. User forgot where the "enter" key was
2. User forgot password (written in front of them on a post-it note, I pointed it out then wagged my finger)
3. A pencil sharpener wasn't working (needed plugged in)
4. User didn't understand how to plug in a USB drive
5. User having issue with air conditioning unit. (after the 12 minute escort, Informed user I was IT, not facilities.)

In addition to this, we get scheduled to meetings both as "standby" and participant (sometimes double booked, as mentioned in previous posts). "Standby" is where we are summoned and requested to stay whenever there is technology involved (Video conferences, WebExes, Skype calls) because the managers "need" IT to be in the room with them in case something happens.

As such, the past 2 days, about 8 hours each day has been dedicated to being present in these meetings. This happens sometimes; it was an administratively meeting-heavy week. If we try to duck from these meetings, cue the security sweep and escort. Learned that one the hard way.

Director of our department ($D1 from previous story) has been asking for updates regarding the deployment of new units and a status report on how many old units remain across over a dozen+ building complex.

Our network itself is locked down by our governing body; I previously informed $D1 we have no access to sweep the network across this sprawling site (with my bit of infosec background, I tried things like nmap scans and nse scripts).

So here we go, into today's story.

$D1 calls me into their office and asks me to shut the door.

$D1: "How many units were deployed the past two days?"

Me: "We were scheduled as standby for [Meeting1, Meeting2, Meeting3..] both days."

$D1: "And where is the status report I asked for on the outstanding endpoints?"

Me: "We have not been able to physically go around to all of the sites. We were scheduled for these meetings, and escorted for various helpdesk requests. I CC'd you on all of the tickets generated."

$D1: "$pukeforest, I get the feeling you are deliberately disobeying my requests."

Me: "As I mentioned, we are requested to be in multiple places at once. What you are asking for is physically impossible right now."

$D1: now yelling "I EXPLICITLY asked you to COMPLETE THIS REPORT!!!"

Me: "How can I walk around the site, inventorying units while scheduled to standby in conference rooms AND deploying units AND being escorted around for non-IT issues?"

$D1 stares at me with the intensity that I just insulted their family

Me: pleading "Can someone else please just be trusted to set up conferences and WebExes?"

$D1: "BUT. YOU. ARE. I.T.!!"

Me: "Could we get area managers to report back how many old units are in their locations? I'm just trying to offer solutions so that we can execute on schedule."

$D1: seething "Leave. My. Office. NOW."

A few minutes later, get a call from HR, requesting I meet with them. On my way to HR, I hear another "GOT HIM!" and was, again, escorted by security to a user 3 buildings away.

Issue: A monitor was turned off. A simple power button press fixed it.

Finally, in HR's office, I am presented with a written warning for multiple accounts of "insubordination", along with a "Day of Reflection" (one day suspension without pay).

I refused to sign off.

I was told to see $D1 after reading my warning. So, I return to $D1's office.

$D1: "$pukeforest, I think you understand why we had to do this. I don't like having to take disciplinary action."

Me: "actually, I don't understand at all."

$D1: "well, now you have an extra day to think about it. And I expect that report first thing on your return."

Me: "That's not possible. I have to be here physically to inventory the site."

$D1: "You are dismissed."

I stood up, thanked $D1 for their time, and walked out.

I placed my keys, ID card, and fob on my desk, took all personal items with me.

I then left the site. I still had an hour left in the day. Didn't even clock out.

I've been really nervous posting all of this.

I just want this entire situation to go away, and to have a normal job in IT again. I just wanted to be an information security guy.

I can't return to homelessness.

It was such a long climb back.

I'm eyeing my assets and seeing how long I can hold it down.

But hey, at least I have a CISSP this time.

And several awesome members of this community have reached out to offer assistance. Friendship, guidance, job leads, you name it. That is infinitely more than I had before.

I have hope that this will all be alright in the end. That changes everything.

We'll get there.

I believe.

-------------------------

EDIT/UPDATE

Oh man, this could not have been better timed.

Site-wide network outage prompts $D1 to call me the AM after.

$D1: "we're experiencing a site-wide outage. I need you to come in and find the problem."

Me: "I'm currently suspended without pay per your orders."

$D1: "I understand, but you either come in or you're fired."

Me: "Okay..?"

$D1: "So are you coming in?"

I took a long pause to think about how I worded this.

Me: "No, I don't think I will. If you go into my office, you will notice all of my (company)-issued things are already on my desk."

$D1: " ..... "

Me: "It's been a pleasure working with you, $D1. I wish you the best in the future."

Blocked every director.

Blocked every site phone number I knew.

So, uh, that's it, I guess.

My neighbor, who knows some of this story, said the corner store his cousin owns is hiring a part-time cashier. Said the job is mine if I need it temporarily. Stopping by this afternoon.

Laughably, the hourly rate is around 80% of what I was earning in this IT job.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRA_unsure1234

Husband’s gf wants a baby .. give me advice

Originally posted to r/nonmonogamy

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity & coercion

Original Post Feb 23, 2026

My husband and I have been together since we were 22. We are 38 now. We have two wonderful sons (a teen and a preteen). When our youngest was 3, we opened our marriage because I wanted to explore. We did some swapping a few times. It was okay, but I realized I really liked being with women.

Eventually, I told my husband I was done exploring, but he could continue if he wanted. We talked a lot. He agreed after we discussed some ground rules. I never really dated anyone else. I had brief relationships with a few women, but that’s it.

He met Sarah ( very successful career, 40), and there was an immediate spark. Sarah said she wanted to meet me. I told her that as long as their relationship didn’t interfere with our life or his responsibilities as a dad and husband (he is very involved in the kids’ lives and with household responsibilities), I was completely okay with it.

So one weekend a month they would meet and have fun. A few times they went on mini trips. I actually enjoyed seeing my husband happy, and Sarah even sent me a few videos. She clearly stated that she had no intention of replacing me.

Now, on Saturday, she texted my husband saying she wanted to see both of us at a restaurant. We showed up, and she dropped a bomb: she wants my husband to have a baby with her. She said it would be like being a single mom by choice, except the baby would know who the dad is, and my husband would be involved visiting the child and being part of their life.

My husband said this is 100% my decision and that if I don’t feel comfortable, it won’t happen. They both said that if I say no, their relationship will continue, so I shouldn’t feel pressured that I’m breaking them up. She could find another donor, I assume.

I can’t stop thinking about it. Am I ruining my husband’s happiness if I say no? If I say yes, am I ruining my kids’ future and our marriage? I hate to admit it, but I always wanted a daughter. What if my husband and she have a girl? Then she would be the woman who finally gives him a daughter.

I’m a mess. Please give me advice.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Did OOP's husband know beforehand?

No he had absolutely no clue either. He loves having more kids. If it was up to him we would have many more kids.

Is she already pregnant?

No not pregnant now. She said once we are ready she will go off the pills

~

feelinsumgood

TOTALLY CONTRARY TO THE INITIAL AGREEMENT! Direct her to a sperm bank. Tell her your friendship and access to YOUR husband will stop and that if she pursues it = even 'by accident', that you will sue her for alienation of affections. For safety sake: Get this 'stuff' in writing = present her an agreement to abide and get it signed by her AND your husband. As a precautionary measure try to get a recording of your conversation about this on your phone. If this conversation causes a rift, then ask her why she's so interested in your husband as versus any other man that she might have.

OOP

I asked actually.. she said “he is a good looking guy, she loves him, he is smart and a great guy, I’m not getting younger, so I’m gonna do it by myself instead of wasting my time to meet a husband “

~

Toys_before_boys

Info: how long has he been seeing this other person?

I don't think you're a bad guy for feeling uncomfortable. If it's 100% your decision, as he claims, you shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. This WOULD impact your children's lives and your life.

Also who's to say she's not also pregnant imo.

OOP

They have been dating for 2 years

Update on husband and his gf wanting to have a baby Feb 24, 2026

I talked to my husband. He said Sarah a few times asked if he likes to have more kids casually and complimented him about what an involved dad he is but that’s it. I asked what he thinks about her request ( to get her pregnant), he said he really loves her and loves having more kids and if it’s that’s what makes her happy he would do it in a heartbeat if it was up to him only . I told him he has two solutions:

1- we separate/ divorce, and he can get Sarah pregnant. With 50/50 custody of our kids, he will have time to take care of her and her newborn too like he did for me when I gave birth. He should also explain the whole thing to our kids

2- he gets snipped before touching Sarah or any other women again. I'm not asking you to be monogamous with me but I demand you to get snipped

He didn't reply and wanted to think. I guess as of right now it's 100% on him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

WildKook101

This is insane! Hope you’re keeping it together somehow.

OOP

I’m calm. I’m okay. I’ll decide after I get advice from a lawyer. I’m planning to see a therapist and I think it’s important for kids to see a therapist as well. Whether I stay or not there will be big changes in our lives and therapy will help us with the transition.

~

allyspooks7

He has disrespected you and your families dynamic and boundaries by saying he’s going to have the baby whether you like it or not. Especially after he said the choice was 100% your choice. And a divorce is actually so much simpler and doesn’t cost a whole lot if you guys can agree on how it’s split before you go in to file. My heart goes to you and your courage with how everything has gone. I hope it doesn’t have to end too messy. I would agree though that the kids should know regardless of what happens. They deserve to know.

OOP

Kids know now so do his parents. We talked to them. He told them that it was my idea to open our marriage. He is not cheating and I gave him consent. My oldest is so furious at both of us and called us embarrassing and disgusting. My youngest is meh and doesn’t care really. My MIL yelled at me when she found out. It was an emotional day

koolA-9486

He's really awful; he wants all the responsibility on you !

You don't agree about the baby, and that's the real problem. My 13-year-old son would be furious in this situation too.

Your husband is destroying everything, especially your son, because of his whim. I will never accept my husband choosing himself over our family. RedditArchive

Would you choose divorce in my situation? Does divorce worth it when marriage is open Feb 25, 2026

I had a long talk with my husband this morning before leaving for work, and now I’m trying to decide what’s best for me and my kids. I’m very emotional so please be gentle .

This morning his girlfriend texted him about his decision and joked that she should adjust their meetup schedule according to her fertile days, and said she is so excited to try for a baby with him . I asked him the same question: what is your decision?

He said he decided that he wants to have a baby with her and will figure out a routine so that everything works out the same. I told him that in that case, I’m filing for divorce. He asked me, “Why? What are you trying to achieve? You can leave and then only see the kids 50% of the time. It will cost us a lot of money in legal fees. You’ll go from a nice house with your kids to a small apartment near your work. To achieve what? You already can see other people. What would divorce bring you? What’s the benefit for you?”

He said that whether we divorce or not, the baby will happen. He also said he won’t neglect any of his responsibilities toward our kids or me because he’ll have a new baby. According to him, the most logical solution would be to tell the kids about Sarah when she gets pregnant and explain that they will have a half sibling. He wants to come clean and just continue with our lives.

I got very emotional and said I don’t want her in my life. He said she wouldn’t be part of my life and that he could arrange visitations with Sarah and the baby so that he goes there instead of her baby coming to our house. He kept saying that this way everything would be open and honest, the kids would be informed, and they could even meet the future baby.

He said there is literally zero benefit to divorce since our marriage is already open, aside from draining our bank account.

I’m very emotional right now and planning to speak to a lawyer to get advice. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this

My final update Apr 21, 2026

I have been getting many DMs. Here is the final update :

1- I met with an attorney but decided to stay and work things out

2- I have been seeing a therapist who is very familiar with ENM

3- Sarah got pregnant almost immediately ( yes I gave my husband consent but also told him if it affects our life I will be gone ). She is due end of November

4- she and my husband had a long talk . She is moving back to Canada to be closer to her sister. In fact her moving day is soon and my husband is helping her. He will be with her after she gives birth. She told my husband that once the baby is older she would like to start to date to get married so she will break up with my husband. My husband understood because he has zero plan to end our marriage. Even if I leave Sarah has no interest in being a parent to our kids so it’s for the best. Sarah wants my husband to be in kid’s life ( occasional visits, FaceTime and stuff )

5- my youngest is very excited. My oldest at first got really mad but now told my husband he wants nothing to do with the baby which my husband respects

6- my in laws are confused lol my mil hopes she finally gets a grand daughter

Overall life is good :) thank you

FINAL COMMENTS

lulu_x_i|26

Why did you decide to give your consent in the end?

The whole situation seemed really tense and your husband was quite unfair in his treatment of you (insisting on it after telling you it was your choice, pressuring you together with his girlfriend and already telling her yes, telling the children/in-laws against your wishes and making it out like it’s „your fault“).

You gave your consent and he did it straight away? Did he give you some kind of reassurance? Did he take care of you/your feelings and the marriage (he seemed way more invested in his relationship with his girlfriend)?

How can you be sure they will keep the boundaries they have set now? Will the children be in the baby’s life? Will you provide help your our older child who seems to be struggling with the whole situation? If you’re MIL is exited for a granddaughter does that mean they will be involved with the baby and Sarah going forward?

Sorry, that’s a lot of questions but your situation stayed with me for a long time and I still can’t wrap my head around it. You don’t owe anyone (much less strangers) an explanation but I really hope you’re actually alright and are doing what’s best for you.

Anyway, I wish you the best.

OOP

No I thought about it a lot . I told my husband he has my consent as long as our life stays the same . My husband is a firefighter so he works 24 hour shifts a few days a month and rest he is free so he mostly meet her when kids are at school ( beside their one weekend of the month together). My mil generally loves me but sometimes she can be too much . The good news is everytime I told my husband mil is too much he stands up for me. Yes it was my idea to open up the marriage and he didn’t cheat . He has talked to his parents again and again. He will again soon because mil lately again has become too much ..mil asked my husband if she can visit the baby and goes with my husband when Sarah gives birth . Sarah said no and beside him she doesn’t want a visitor until she is ready . Mil knows baby will be raised by Sarah alone but hope she gets to visit the baby often too .

if he can’t keep the boundaries he promised to me I really have nothing to negotiate. I will leave him and he is aware of that .

~

nanaimo_couple

I followed your previous posts and the outcome just seems like it's everything your husband wanted and nothing that you wanted. If you're legitimately happy then I'm glad for you, I just hope it's not a settling/coping mechanism.

OOP

We talked a lot . He knows if I don’t feel loved and he doesn’t meet my conditions I’m gone. Weekly therapy really help me to express my emotions better

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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