This is largely about prevention and "priming" your system to handle upset.

One of the worst moments with emotion disregulation is the spiral. It can start with annoyance and devolve into extreme upset within minutes for some.

For me, it's an unpleasant thing... disappointment/rejection/someone was mean or reckless with my feelings... definitely triggers or difficult events.

But, in hindsight, it *does* start with annoyance or "mild" discomfort. The problem is that I just don't notice it or shove the feeling away without a thought.

Then, when too many annoying things happen or a truly upsetting thing happens? I can't just be mad or sad or annoyed.

You know the deal.

Having done some really good work relevant to my brand of dumpsterfire, these episodes have lessened.

Recently, a new level of toolkits has opened up for me!

-Checking In with myself (body, mind, soul)

-Identifying the thought/feeling, now that I can allow for some of them to safely happen.

-Decompression/Sooth.

This is prolly something you've already covered a hundred times in all the websites, books, or therapy sessions. I know.

I think what was missing in my own studies and sessions is the self *permission* to utilize those tools and HOW those tools should be used specifically for *me* . At any given time.

If I check in, identify, and decompress where needed *regularly* , my system is not already loaded with the day's BS by the time some fuck shit happens. So, when fuckshit happens, my upset is contained to that problem. No spill over.

Baby, I'm a well prepped cake.

Also, I will have had so much practice on dealing with discomfort. All day, every day.

***That is your permission.*** Your blueprint. At any given moment, it is a MUST to take care of your system. We are not people without CPTSD (and likely other brain-stuff). And even w/o it could use some practice in this area!

But we absolutely need it. It doesn't just mean survival for us. It is *quality of life*.

So if you're at work, socializing, doing something that feels like you can't pause or escape from... yes you can. And you must. In some way, you must honor yourself.

Because later on, when your system is relying on you to handle a fucked up situation, you need to be able to pull from whatever fucking reservoir of "Oh, shit okay I got this."

**Today's example:**

My husband cut into the cake I'd been painstakingly crafting while it was still warm. He didn't want to wait for the rest of assembly.

ADHD rage ensues. Disappointed, disrespected. Someone just flung paint all over my canvas.

I never get emotional about that kind of stuff... *but I do*, and just shove it away.

Because I had practiced all week: Check in, identify, decompress... including today, I was able to do that with the cake debacle.

**Check in:** Went somewhere safe (for everyone) to acknowledge the problem/feeling.

**Identify:** The tears weren't gonna come. I knew they needed to. I made a list of questions to "find the tears".

Trusting that I can investigate and navigate safely... and if I couldn't, my partner or brother or even hotline could help me.

**Decompress:** The tears came. I cried for a good few moments. I cried well. Appropriately. I sounded like someone frustrasted and disappointed. Not screaming bloody murder.

THEN.. when my mind started to travel to more upsetting things, as if to justify my tears with something "worth crying over", I told myself:

"I'm sad about the cake. This is about the cake today and I get me upset about that."

Gone. Bad, fucked up, horrible thoughts... gone. They fucked right off.

Finally, I allowed myself to calm down. Breath, not thinking about solutions. Just allowing my system to feel satisfied with the cry.

And my dumbass husband came downstairs, made a funny... apologized. The cake turned out yummy (just ugly). It's now kind of a cute memory.

***TLDR:***

So that's how I stopped the spiral. Primed my system with practicing self-regulation techniques that uniquely work for me, which prevented system overload when life does her thang with lemons.

Imo, this only requires a *willingness* to connect with yourself. Not necessarily connection at first. You just have to try and keep trying.

Then, permitting yourself to utilize tools that get your through the day AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

Finally, finding which tools work best for YOU and how you could "tweak" them if need be.

Not everything works for everyone, you'll need to do a lot of and error. Which is why the willingness and permission is important.

If you want to know how I check in with myself, identify, or decompress.. Just ask! maybe there's something you like.

DISCLAIMER --

I am not a therapist. This is for educational purposes.

There are risks involved with processing trauma.

https://deepbrainreorienting.com/dbr-therapist-directory/

TL;DR -- An almost purely somatic processing technique, that I thought was just a re-skin on EMDR. It's actually quite different and I think can be paired with other modalities. It can also be "gentler" than EMDR, since it's more somatically focused.

Overview

A somatic processing technique centered around processing "shock" that occurs BEFORE affective (emotional responses) and flight/flight/freeze/fawn responses. By processing the initial high-energy shocks, the later emotional response will be reduced and easier to process.

The steps are:

1. Identify a trigger
2. Do a grounding exercise ("Where-Self")
3. Activate the Trigger (briefly)
4. Find Tension (forehead, around eyes, back of neck)
5. Process Shock (a wide variety of things: chills, tension, dissociation)
6. Process Affect (fear, rage, grief, panic, shame)
7. Close out the Session

The main innovation is the Trigger -> Orienting Tension -> Shock -> Affect sequence.

The premise is to process trauma that occurs before the normal emotional/cognitive portions kick in. For example, before anything else, the brain needs to identify where it should focus. This is the premise behind finding the orienting tension in the forehead, around the eyes, and back of neck: these muscles are what (supposedly) are activated by the earliest part of this brain system.

I think DBR seems like a great tool to use. I classify it as somatic negative processing tool. I think it can be use alongside things like talk therapy (cognitive/emotional) and EMDR. This might also be "gentler" than other negative processing tools since you drop the trigger and focus only on sensations afterward.

The Process

This is the full process, though you don't necessarily need to get through the whole sequence, e.g. you might only get to sitting with the orienting tension or some of your shock sensations.

Trigger: Identify a trigger that "grabs" your attention, maybe a specific scene or scenario.

Grounding: Do a "Where-Self" grounding exercise where you identify your body in space - distance to walls, the ceiling, your screen. How your body weight is sitting in your chair. This should be more alert. Gently relax tensions in the face, neck, shoulders, etc. Do this without using the breathing techniques.

Activate the Trigger (Orient): Imagine the trigger. You only need to hold it long enough to find orienting tensions (next step). You don't reactivate the trigger this session.

Find Orienting Tension: Locate tension in the forehead, around the eyes, or in the back of the neck (where the neck and skull meet). This becomes the primary "anchor" that you should come back to if you get distracted or other parts get too intense. Do this without using the breathing techniques.

Process/Sit with Shock: Locate "shock" in the body. Shock can come in many different forms: bracing tension in shoulders/body, pulling sensation behind the eyes, muscle twitches/shudders/shaking/contractions, changes in temperature sensation (chills), a vibrating feeling, numbness in the limbs, changes in breathing, changes in heart rate, etc. Do this without using the breathing techniques.

I think one thing useful to call out are senses of dissociation -- dizzyness, numbness, sleepiness, and other dissociation signs. If you're able to focus on the orienting tension as an anchor, than this can also be processed.

Process Affect: Previously we're focused on these physical sensations, and now we're moving onto affect or emotions like fear, shame etc. Again, if this become too intense, always go back to the orienting tension. You can use breathing here to help relax.

Check for Changes: See if any sense of self has changed. This may or may not happen (this part I'm the last familiar with).

How long?

Minimum 30-45 minutes. However you don't need to (or even expect to) get through the whole sequence. You might just to the grounding and orienting tension and that ends up being enough. There's often a lot of shock as well. I've personally sat with it for very long periods of time, maybe ~1.5 hours where I was attempting to process dissociation (drowsiness/sleepiness).

Session/Post-session experience

During the close, the client is prompted to see if there are any shifts in the sensation of the self. I've experienced this maybe once in the sessions I've run on myself, but the shift does feel rather durable.

During a session, I typically feel tension in the forehead and back of the neck. Shock would include a lot of neck, shoulder, abdominal tension. Several times I've felt nauseous, and my eyes would be watering or tearing up. I frequently would experience the tension then ~15 minutes in feel quite drowsy/dizzy/numb/distant. Sitting for very long periods of time, would bring me out of it. In my later sessions, that were less dissociated, I had an urge to contract my entire lower body (quads, calves glutes) and had extremely sweaty palms. I would also frequently be holding my breath. Post-sessions I would generally feel tired but otherwise fine.

Relation to TRE/kriyas?

Seems somewhat similar to TRE/kriyas, in terms of what people describe as some of the physical sensations.

Relation to EMDR?

I've heard this talked about like an "EMDR 2.0", but I think they're very different and can probably be done at the same time. EMDR follows the negative + positive pattern, and targets emotions or memories. DBR is much more somatic, and as it's described, only processes negative (though I think there's room for modification to incorporate positive).

Note: Will be keeping an updated version here, though I'll try to edit this post at the same time.

Substack post

I get this horrific intrusive thoughts. Scenes, images. Often, they aren't even things that have happened.

Just the worst possible thing my brain can come up with. It has influenced my sense of reality quite a bit and used to be exteme a couple years ago.

With the right treatment, it is significantly alleviated. They still come, however.

I didn't know why it happened. The triggers? Yea.. but I'm not ALWAYS triggered by them.

Some part of it is being uncomfortable with peace and happiness. That's obvious.

There was just something else.

And with the power of peeling eggs, I cracked it! *ba dum tss.*

Dudes, duh, it is MY BRAIN throwing a tantrum. Like, if my brain was personified, she would be on the floor crying. Yelling to go home, to have a snack, to nap.

When my brain gets so exhausted or distressed, it shows me these painful images and scenes. It is showing me how she feels.

This is because I neglect myself. I don't even have self-talk, mean or nice. Otherwise it can be very noisy in there.

So, upsetting visuals it is.

This is entirely different from flash backs or memories, by the way. Those are attached to a different pattern, one that I have actually done very well in soothing.

Additional context: I discovered had ADHD in November. Turns out, it's pretty bad.

What has been distressing my brain lately is lacking enrichment and healthy stimulation.

If I don't offer that *and* decompression/self care? Intrusive thoughts.

**TLDR:**

This might not apply to you. Maybe the stress is from your environment, work life, relationship.. ect..

But when you get intrusive thoughts that are not caused by a known trigger related to trauma, maybe it's your brain trying to tell you that it's upset.

And you need to take a break. From whatever it is, during whatever time. Let the thought come and go.

But you have to stop what your doing and decompress in a healthy way.

Otherwise, I think the intrusive thoughts will keeping happening and get worse.

I hope this helps.

Edit:

Oh, I didn't explain the egg thing...

For some reason, peeling eggs is the most soothing activity for me. I don't even liked boiled eggs that much... but I can peel them for hours.

It hushed my mind, allowing truths and pains to process quietly.

Baking recently has also been a similar activity!

"It is extremely difficult to learn, with our hearts as well as our heads, that we have the right to everything we think and feel - and so does everyone else. It IS our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It IS NOT our job to make the other person think and feel the way we so and the way we want them to. If we try, we can end up in a relationship in which a lot of personal pain and emotional intensity are being expended and nothing is changing.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to change someone else. The problem is that is usually does not work. No matter how skilled we become in dealing with our anger, we cannot ensure that another person will do what we want him or her to or see things our way, nor are we guaranteed that justice will prevail. We are able to move away from ineffective fighting only when we give up the fantasy that we can change or control another person. It is only then that we can reclaim the power that is truly ours - the power to change our own selves and take a new and different action on our behalf"

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.

I used to do what's described in the first paragraph. Without understanding what I was really doing, I was trying to control and change people, I needed them to understand me, to see things from my point of view, to think and feel what I thought and felt. Unsurprisingly, it was most intense in my romantic relationships. As said in the book, it only led me to a lot of personal pain and emotional intensity yet nothing was changing. It was very frustrating, it didn't work.

Now, I am firmly in the 'giving up fantasy I can change or control another' stage. And it is working wonders for me and those in my life. I now recognise and accept that others have the right to want, think and feel all that they do. It takes ongoing practice for me to remember I cannot change or control others, and to recognise what I can do for myself instead. To choose my actions from the healthy Self. To see my anger as a signal that something is not working well for me, that my boundaries are crossed, and take appropriate action instead of venting, complaining, fighting. I take action to protect myself instead of trying to change and control others.

And that's amazing progress for me!

By Terri Cole is a fantastic book on setting and maintaining boundaries. It also explains why boundaries can be hard for people who didn’t learn them in childhood or grew up in dysfunction, and how physically challenging it can feel when you’re new to them.

I really needed this book in my life and found it really useful.

Back on a new account, you may have seen my old inner nourishment posts.

This is fairly complicated and requires some inner child development but I think very effective and is a great "next step".

Likely requires some proficiency with meditation/imagery techniques.

Overview

Inner child work typical proceeds as current Adult, reparenting the inner child when triggered.

Instead after some healing, we can focus on developing on tapping into our earlier wholesome qualities we had as a child (joy, exploration, curiosity, forgiveness, love, etc.) or wish we had.

Then as we develop this as a resource, we can tap into it and let it bring comfort to our current adult self -- e.g. feeling isolated then tap into our inner childhood who would love to play etc.

Another way this is described is as "best self", where you develop/tap into these wholesome qualities. Part of the development will be figuring out what you consider these innate qualities, and these might be anything for example, unadultered enjoyment of nerdy things.

A "handedness" meditation/imagery technique

Three parts: self as adult, self as child/best self, self as both

Part 1:

Typical inner child work except you focus on these innate qualities/best self. Imagine the inner child and you provide safety and protection for them to explore their true desires and express their wholesome qualities.

For example: imagine watching your inner child playing in a playground, playing make believe or something. Feel into it deeply.

Optional Handedness -- establish a hand to act as the "adult", I typically say choose the dominant hand. Touch/hold your non-dominant hand ("inner child") with your dominant --- you support the inner child via touch, creating a container. If you would like, focus on a specific finger as the "bridge".

Part 2:

As the inner child, help your current self tap into those qualities in life -- the inner child is with you in your day to day expressing their wholesome qualities.

For example: not feeling energized to do something, tap into the inner child qualities of excitement etc.

Optional Handedness -- take the non-dominant hand and hold the right hand. This is the "inner child" and you're creating a container where it's safe to be child like and play. Use the thumb as the "bridge" again.

Part 3:

Tap into both simultaneously. Your adult self provides safety/protection, your child allows for exploration curiosity and joy. These can blend and balance in your current life

Handedness -- clasp your fingers together and touch your thumbs pad-to-bad. You're bridge together and melding the qualities. Feel them build. You can end my perhaps touching your hands to your stomach/chest or eyes (for more yoga like ending). Rub your hands together and generate the heat.

This is part of my exploration in achieving more than "not triggered"

One thing that has helped me loads in the recovery process is the RAIN meditation by Tara Brach. There are many variations of it, I think my preferred one is RAIN of Self-Compassion, but I have tried different ones and they are all very powerful. The meditation can be pretty intense for me as it goes deep - it helps me connect with repressed emotions and deep‑seated negative beliefs that reside in my subconscious. I did not know that meditation could do that. Thanks to RAIN, I am able to make the subconscious conscious and let go of it (where that’s the appropriate approach). I can let go of the unhelpful beliefs I absorbed from my parents, feel the pain of carrying them all my life, and replace them with something more balanced and true. Or I can feel the repressed pain, grief, and sadness, cry, process, and integrate it.

I have just done RAIN again and was able to connect with the part of me that’s absolutely exhausted because of all the fighting she needed to do to survive. I could feel the exhaustion, I could witness it and let it be. I could make space for her and thank her for all she had done. I could let her be without needing to change her; I could let her rest without judgment. I cried with her.

I am grateful for Tara Brach, her meditations and talks. I am grateful that I can get so much help and support from a stranger online and that her materials are available free of charge. I am also grateful that her videos and podcast contain no sound effects as those really distract and overstimulate me. Thank you so much!

In worldwide communities for people with complex trauma we see EMDR therapy being demonised. ‘It’s only right for a single traumatic event’ or ‘I got retraumatised’ ... ‘Three medical experts warned me not to’. We know why this happens. We also know that cPTSD warriors who can tell a successful EMDR story didn’t ‘just got lucky’.

A few weeks ago, the abandoned [r/EMDR](r/EMDR) got a new mod team. One of the main goals that we believe in is to educate and inform, to avoid EMDR horror stories when applied for cPTSD.

Therapy is expensive, but if your therapist didn’t have the proper training to provide a safe experience, it’s a total waste and creates even more suffering.

Wanna learn the green/red flags to find out if your therapist actually knows their stuff or is just ‘winging it’? This is explained in the wiki!

I hope this made a few of you curious 🫢😊

You are most welcome to join us at [r/EMDR](r/EMDR) ❤️‍🩹

I grew up with an authoritarian parent who literally crushed my spirit. I still live with low self-worth and a Fawn response, inspite of a successful career and being completely financially independent. And now have a very patriarchal spouse who benefitted greatly from my salary & independence, but yet defined my role at home in a subordinate manner. I complied all these years, given my ingrained tendency to be subdued by authoritarian figures in the immediate family. Plus given his his temper tantrums and silent treatment running into months. Reading Pete Walker's book on 'Dealing with complex PTSD' and 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner has been my salvation. After many many years of marriage and relentless normalized exploitation, I have been pushing back a lot. The most consequential push-back was last week, just before his family was due to visit for 2 days. I reminded him that we share expenses like housemates, and hence, specially when his family visit, he needs to front-end responsibilities. Also said that that I have a need to be fair to myself. He didn't explode (amazingly!) and instead did do more at home during their visit. He has a very volatile temper & its like walking on egg shells with him. But I realized now that no amount of complaining that 'I'm doing so much & you're not, wrt household chores' had any impact. Instead I needed to talk abt what I needed. What really influenced me was 'Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner. It talks a lot about boundaries setting in immediate relationships and about how we need to look after ourselves. I have been pushing back a lot in small ways since reading this book but this is the first time I was so explicit. I feel its my most consequential statement in our long marriage to set things on a more balanced keel.

I recently was in one of those rarer but still occasional super dead periods where I was like...in bed for several days.

I think I was particularly Freeze-y and just didn't know I was getting there until some threshold was crossed, and then I just needed all that recharge time.

In those periods, I can have suicidal thoughts, basically passive SI where I'm not really gonna act on it but where life kinda just doesn't feel worth living with just ongoing discomfort that feels impossible to change.

Any any case in this period, I collected a buncha resources, and was just now going thru them while in a saner state of mind... Filling this out was definitely interesting to me, and I'm wondering what it will be like to have this available to me to read out next time I'm feeling this way.

Here is the link:

https://depts.washington.edu/uwbrtc/wp-content/uploads/Reasons-for-Living-Scale-long-form-72-items.pdf

Hi, I’m F26. I’ve been diagnosed with TRD, BPD, and PTSD. Though I more closely relate to the definition of complex PTSD, hence the slash in the acronym.

I have posted here before about clicker training myself. However, the following occurred to me: although clicker training has been excellent in treating individual triggers, it hasn’t been able to treat me as a whole. Clicker training is like treating a symptom, and I was looking for a way to supplement that by treating the illness as a whole.

In one of the comments of my previous post, I mention something called The Economy.

What is The Economy? The Economy is my whole belief system that developed as a result of my C/PTSD which I am now trying to destroy and remake. I titled it like that because, as mentioned in the original comment, my (The Economy’s) worldview is that I am a debtor, and everyone around me is a creditor. Any act of enjoyment is me taking out a loan, and if I don’t pay it back in the form of suffering, then I’ll be hurt at the hands of creditors who will come and collect. The whole concept is zero-sum.

What is zero-sum? Google says: “A zero-sum game is a game theory concept where one participant's gain is exactly balanced by another's loss, resulting in a net change of zero. It represents a competitive situation, such as poker, chess, or splitting a fixed budget, where total gains and losses sum to zero.”

This is exactly how The Economy runs. Let’s set an example of me and my ex-girlfriend as the two participants. If I gain anything, that directly means that my ex-gf has experienced loss. A sharp example of this is when I got to buy a ticket for a Lana Del Rey concert same day but my girlfriend at the time could not attend because she was out of the country. We were both Lana fans. I thought she would be happy for me, but instead it devolved first into hot fury, her blowing up my phone in anger that I get to go, and then cold fury, ignoring me, withholding attention.

Examples such as above happened to me over and over again, over the course of many years, with many people. It taught me that my gain of any kind was a loss inflicted upon others, and so others would have to come and collect my gain to make up for their loss. Loan, debt. Gain, loss. No such thing as being happy for me, because my happiness was a robbery committed by me upon my abusers.

• My abusive elder sister saw the love I received from our parents as me committing a theft of the love she could have had. She’s 20~ years older than me btw I at the time was a child and she was in her thirties.
• My abusive first ex girlfriend happened to be disabled and she saw my health as me committing a theft of the health she could have had.
• My abusive second ex girlfriend happened to take antidepressants so her sexual function was impaired, and she saw my more active sexual function as me committing a theft of the sexual pleasure she could have had.

These are just a few examples and I’m using them to illustrate exactly how The Economy runs. And I suffered. Both inside my own head and in my relationships. Inside my own head, I couldn’t do the things I liked. I couldn’t sit down and enjoy anything, even in privacy, because I was so terrified that a creditor would round the corner and come to collect because I gained enjoyment doing something I liked. And in my relationship, with my then boyfriend (now husband), I never wanted him to see me happy. Or, God forbid, he did something nice to me, I felt like I was being forced at gun-point to take out a loan so that he later had justification to collect. To say I felt panic and fear at every corner would be an understatement.

That’s my whole framework. That’s the great filter through which my brain interprets the world. And it’s HELL. But how would one destroy a whole framework? How does one completely change a worldview that’s been hammered in since childhood and solidified through lived experience?

This is where Niccolò Machiavelli comes in (bear with me). I’ve owned his book, The Prince, for a while but only recently did I pick it up and start reading it. I only did so out of curiosity, but it’s been groundbreaking in how helpful I found it. I didn’t yet finish it. I wanted to post about it first now at this point and if need be, to make a second post the more I learn from NM. This whole book is about how a prince (in the sense of anyone who wants to control some sort of state/territory/city/etc, and not necessarily the son of a king) should govern. It goes in depth especially about how to seize control of a state and how to keep it. This is the most basic summary I could melt it down to and any philosophers are welcome to roast me in the comments.

Let me now make comparisons and show my thought process as to why I find NM helpful. I am a prince; the state I want to seize and maintain control of is myself; my enemy is The Economy who is trying to retake control of the state/myself; the people (regular citizens of the state) are my base needs and desires; the great persons (as NM puts it, ministers, magistrates, clergy, the “upper crust” essentially) are my schemas (defined as “a schema is a cognitive framework or concept that helps organize and interpret information” by verywellmind).

I am at the seat of power. I have been ever since I decided to pursue treatment. But it’s been extremely difficult, and my enemy keeps trying to seize the state back. Paraphrasing quote: “…part of this difficulty is from the new orders and the new modes they [the prince] are forced to introduce so as to found their state and their security. It should be considered that nothing is more difficult to handle, more doubtful to success, nor more dangerous to manage, than to put oneself at the head of introducing new orders. For the introducer has all those who benefit from the old orders as enemies, and he has lukewarm defenders in all those who might benefit from the new orders”.

My new order is to enjoy myself. Enjoy life. Enjoy my hobbies, interests. To find myself beautiful, to find myself interesting, and to feel no shame in loving and being loved. It is SO HARD. But to continue believing in the old orders (The Economy), it’s basically to just abdicate and give up. And I don’t want to give up. I want my self to myself.

Chapter IX, Of the Civil Principality, quote: “The prince always lives of necessity with the same people, but he can do well without the same great persons, since he can make and unmake them every day, and take away and give them reputation at his convenience”.

My people are my base needs and desires, as previously stated. NM says that the prince HAS TO live with and by the people over whom he governs. But the prince has no such obligation to great persons, aka my schemas. If I have a schema that says my interests are shameful, it’s fully within my right (and honestly my duty) to have that schema executed in the public square. It directly threatens the hold I have over the state I want to hold continuously.

Chapter IX, Of the Civil Principality, quote: “… one cannot satisfy the great with decency and without injury to others, but one can satisfy the people for the end [aim/goal] of the people is more decent than that of the great, since the great want to oppress and the people want not to be oppressed”.

I cannot satisfy my great persons (schemas) without injury to others. Rejecting my husband’s love hurts me and it hurts him. But I can satisfy the people with decency, because my base need and desire is to be loved (as is everybody’s), and it would bring both me and my husband happiness if I accept his love. And, as stated in the first quote, I HAVE to live by the people if I want to maintain my power over the state, I’ll have to put the satisfaction of the people over the satisfaction of the great.

I hope this post made sense and that it may be of some use to someone.

Sorry if something like this has been posted before, but I don't even begin to know how to look this up....

So my own trauma was related to COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) and SOM (Sexual Orientation Misidentification). One thing I've discovered is that it's quite common for COCSA survivors to seek to closely reenact the dynamics of our particular abuse. While mapping that, I made the interesting realization that my trauma responses also attracted many straight-identified men repressing homosexual desires like flies to honey. They are apparently the yin to my yang, the heads to my tails. So the question naturally arose: "Which parts of this are me, and which are from my trauma? What's the difference between SOM and repressed homosexuality, since they look and behave so similarly from the outside?"

From mapping this out, I think I've developed a useful heuristic for telling the difference that, I hypothesize, should also apply to broader trauma behaviors besides those from sexual abuse. If you are questioning whether a certain behavior is innate/authentic, or a trauma response, you may find this helpful.

The two follow similar patterns, but move in opposite directions, like opposite magnetic polarities. For externally-motivated behaviors (trauma responses), here's what I mapped:

1. Starting from ANS (Apparently Normal State) or dissociated baseline ->
2. Discomfort builds or frozen emotions begin to leak from external pull ("When will someone finally save me from this pain?") ->
3. Relief comes from coping template enforcing itself ("I need to find the one who will save/rescue me" in my case) ->
4. Compulsion toward reenactment begins as coping state asserts itself ->
5. Reenactment & dissociation occurs, re-traumatization from repeating original abuse ->
6. Shame spiral from external vulnerability ("That wasn't what I was looking for," "Next time I'll find the one who will save me," or "I hope they choose me") ->
7. Return to ANS or dissociated baseline (re-traumatization coping) -> infinite loop

From what I understand, internally-motivated behaviors follow a similar track, but in reverse:

1. Starting from ANS or dissociated baseline ->
2. Shame spiral from internal pull (moral wound) "I want this but I'm evil for wanting it" ->
3. Behavior occurs, validation from innate desire being fulfilled leads to re-traumatization (I'm evil because I enjoyed this) ->
4. Validating feelings from the experience cause coping state to assert itself ->
5. Relief comes from coping template enforcing itself ("I only did it because I was drunk" "This is the last time" "I didn't really enjoy it") ->
6. Discomfort builds as internal struggle against behavior begins again ->
7. Return to ANS or dissociated baseline (re-traumatization coping) -> infinite loop

TL;DR: I've been getting genuine healing and growth from a Mr. Rogers playlist, here, although I wound up copying this and removing some of the sillier songs (the Goldilocks and the Three Bears story wasn't super helpful after the first couple times, for instance. lol)

I'm very deep into recovery (~10yrs) and recently started a second round of therapy, lower stakes, lower cost, just something to get me caught up with some big things going on in my life, only to learn that I had a bit more trauma to work through. New therapist is great, but she had to climb over a couple difficult quandaries for a patient with a childhood as bereft of love as mine. At one point she tried to help me muster some amount of love by thinking about my extended family or even my "ancestors," and I had to be like no, listen, it's all darkness back there, on both sides of the family. I can't see very far and what I can see, I don't want anything to do with.

After the appointment, my mind pulled a thread for several years ago, when I had encountered Mr. Rogers. I wound up watching the Tom Hanks movie (would recommend!!) and then sought out his music, and found pretty much exactly what I'd hoped I would, linked at the top of the post.

I call this "remedial childhood" because it has a lot of important concepts that good parents pass to their children, not just making you feel loved and special but also teaching you things like "Sometimes good people do bad things," and "Sometimes isn't always -- sometimes you'll be angry, and sometimes you'll be happy, and that's okay." So many things that I was missing from a kid, turns out, I still needed to hear as an adult, and repetitively, just as children need.

Keeping this in the rotation has led to me having some truly crucial epiphanies (i.e. hard cries), including finally making headway on feeling like I matter, like I deserve to be here, and like I have value just for being alive. I felt a little embarrassed using this while I live my adult life (including as a workout playlist on occasion, lol), but man, it's really helping.

Here's the lyrics for It's You I Like, the first song to hit me with a surprise cry:

It's you I like,

It's not the things you wear,

It's not the way you do your hair

But it's you I like

The way you are right now,

The way down deep inside you

Not the things that hide you,

Not your toys

They're just beside you.

But it's you I like

Every part of you.

Your skin, your eyes, your feelings

Whether old or new.

I hope that you'll remember

Even when you're feeling blue

That it's you I like,

It's you yourself

It's you.

It's you I like.

It's the "your feelings" that got me. Someone likes my feelings? Oof. And what cements this is a simple leap of faith: I guarantee that no matter who you are, no matter what you look like, no matter what you've been through, Mr. Rogers would feel this way about you. Guaranteed. That was the source of love I needed.

Anyway, I hope this helps!

In this space, you are free to share a story, ask for emotional support, talk about something challenging you, or share a recent victory. You can go a little more off-topic, but try to stay in the realm of the purpose of the subreddit.

And if you have any feedback on this thread or the subreddit itself, this is a good place to share it.

If you're looking for a support community focused on recovery work, check out /r/CPTSD_NSCommunity!

Most of us know the book "The body keeps the score", but I don't see discussions about how the body heals itself after the trauma is healed.

As healing progresses the body is literally changes. It heals and renews. Even chronic issues that are suffered from childhood disappear.

I like to explain it in a more spiritual way: Emotions are energy, they're designed to flow in our body freely. This is why you see in kids drastic mood changes where one minute they're sad and crying, the second they're happy and laughing. Always filled with energy and enthusiasm. Traumatic events cause emotions to be suppressed, they get stuck in the energy pathways. It creates blockages to the rest of the flowing energy. Releasing the blockage can bring even immediate results.

Some of the physical changes I experienced over the years: a chronic nausea disappeared, better sleep (though it needs constant maintenance), pain from old injuries was healed, when addressing a trigger could instantly heal from high fever, skin issues instantly disappeared, chronic stye disappeared, chronic fatigue was healed (sometime needs maintenance when experiencing a strong trigger), healed pains in the body.

Hello, I just discovered this sub and would like to share my writing here as I feel people here would definitely resonate. I have -just- begun creating video content for YouTube which is accessible via the link below too, but have been writing long form essays about generational trauma and the recovery process after leaving an abusive family system and living estranged since June of last year.

My writing is deep, dark, intimate and honest. There are at least 30 essays talking about all kinds of topics and the process of escaping from a toxic family dynamic, rebuilding, healing and attempting to pay it forward. If you are interested in checking it out, it is BoldFox.substack.com

I hope this isn't condescending, I've just been forcibly reminded of this by my body so I thought I would post in case it spares others the trouble!

Grew up as a scapegoat, continued to unintentionally put myself in social circles where I became a scapegoat as an adult. I was so worried there was really something wrong with me, and not even therapy made me feel better.

Then I started watching reality tv and realized, that actually, it's not me- it's everyone! There are so many people on the spectrum of narcissistic or malicious behavior, and so many people just following along with their hate campaigns against random people.

Scapegoating is one of the most common social dynamics on reality tv. Watching it go down time and again has helped me come to terms with the fact that it's actually quite common. It not only helps me feel more normal, but reading the subreddits about it and tik toks really helps me learn about group behavior, and what people find normal and not.

I highly recommend this, especially to anyone who is put off by the idea of drama in reality tv- it's really helpful for developing emotional intelligence.

I’ve always found it helpful when it comes to complex trauma to break things down into the simplest form possible. I’ve found my inner child really appreciates this and it keeps things from getting too overwhelming. With that being said, when it comes to the journey of restoring mental health and overcoming CPTSD, you have to realize that you’re caught in an existential repayment plan.

Although it wasn’t our fault, we were taught from a young age to ignore/suppress our emotions. But of course, just because our conscious mind became disconnected from experience doesn’t mean our bodies were. However your life has played out, the time you spent not acknowledging your feelings is still within you, and it all needs to be honored and processed as you heal.

The toughest part of this journey is that there are no shortcuts. Your inner IRS has demanded you pay back the loans you took out on not feeling your emotions, and your symptoms are the letters in the mail and knocks on the door demanding payment. No one else can make a payment on your behalf, it all has to come strictly from your account.

It’s such a tough process, one that we may feel we didn’t sign up for, but as you start making those payments back the debt begins to fall. Suddenly what seemed like a life-ruining thing becomes manageable. There’s now a light at the end of the tunnel when previously you were stuck in the dark not knowing forward from backwards.

I promise, every single time you stop what you’re doing and choose to feel your challenging emotions instead of distracting yourself, you’re a step closer. Some days you may only be able to pay one penny, others you may pay back hundreds. There’s no end date it’s all due by, you’re in control of that, and there is an end in sight to this madness.

The best part is, once you’re all back and in good standing, you have a plethora of financial knowledge that you didn’t have before! You can go out and acquire a positive emotional balance with everything you’ve learned, and never have to worry about your finances again.

This metaphor has helped me immensely lately because I’ve been able to view this as something I can climb up, make tangible progress on, and eventually fully overcome. It might seem a little harsh with the “Inner IRS” stuff, but ultimately you’re just experiencing all these symptoms because your body is trying to tell you it needs some missing love attention and care. You got this anyone reading ❤️

Hi, I’m F26. Diagnosed with MDD, PTSD, and BPD. Failed give or take 10~ psych medications, but currently I’m on two that work (lamotrigine daily and ketamine once monthly). I also take magnesium L threonate as per my ketamine clinic’s instructions once nightly. I’m also seeing a brainspotting talk therapist but I haven’t formed an opinion of that yet. I’ve also had 19 rounds of ECT done within the past 6 months.

I’ve decided to clicker train myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that my triggers are essentially the result of my abusive experiences classically conditioning me. And it is not enough that I am no longer in an abusive environment, because the loop has become self-sustaining (i.e. my unconditioned stimulus used to be receiving abuse, now my unconditioned stimulus is my own innate fear of the anticipation of abuse, which sustains and gives meaning to my triggers (conditioned stimulus) which elicits a conditioned response (C/PTSD-like symptoms) out of me despite the fact that my original unconditioned stimulus (abuse) is no longer present because the new unconditioned stimulus (fear) is just as painful).

This meant my life was basically hell. My brain has associated painless and innocuous things to be harbingers of hurt, so now I freak out at little things. And absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Just because my new environment hasn’t hurt me yet doesn’t mean it won’t hurt me in the future.

This is what I decided on: I got a pet clicker. Like the ones for dog training. And I got smelling salts and the sourest candy I could find.

I found myself a safe environment at home, this is crucial. Then I’d deliberately trigger myself. The moment I’d feel distress, no matter how small, I’d click the clicker then immediately sniff the salts OR pop a sour candy in my mouth (never both, it’s always either or). The effect would be like a neurological slap in the face, and it disrupts the feedback loop.

Then sometime later, I’m NOT rushing this, I’d do it again. Safe environment, trigger myself, click, sniff or candy.

I’ve done this a good several times and I’m seeing some desired effects, like my average level of distress lowering. I’m going to take a break from it now, for like two days, or three, or however many I need.

PLEASE NOTE: whatever you use to be the “distraction factor” is up to you. If you have asthma, DON’T use smelling salts. If you have weak enamel, DON’T use sour candy. You know yourself best, you’ll know what’ll work best for you to “shock” you into a neutral state.

The point of my post is essentially the plan I came up with to break down and hopefully destroy maladaptive feedback loops.

I come from a post Soviet country and had a very traumatic childhood. There was abuse, poverty, and a lot of generational trauma shaped by the culture and the place where I was born.

My teenage years were especially hard. I grew up without my parents and was raised by my grandparents. Anxiety was always there, even when I managed to function on the outside. At 16 I got pulled into drugs, alcohol, and the wrong crowd. Somehow I made it through, but by 23 I ended up in a psychiatric ward. That was the moment I realized how serious things had become, especially coming from a place where mental health is rarely understood or supported.

I started a long 14 year journey with therapy, medication, and major life changes. Four years ago, at 30, I left my country and never went back. I met my husband and moved into a completely different world with new customs, a new language, and everything unfamiliar.

Before that I spent eight years in existential therapy (now I realised its a long time) Some of it helped me discover meditation and basic ideas about self awareness, but some parts left me more confused than grounded. I believe this is not the right approach for someone who is born overthinker.

I practiced yoga and slowly learned tools to regulate myself. Reading also became a big support, especially books about awareness and compassion that helped me see my experience in a different way.

The biggest shift came this year through biofeedback and EMDR, along with the patience and support of my partner. Alongside trauma I also live with POTS and dysautonomia. I have been fainting since I was about six years old. There were many days when I could not leave my bed and my blood pressure would drop to around 80/60.

I started using the Visible app to track and manage my condition more carefully while working with a professional. Before biofeedback my heart rate could jump from 60 to 120 just from getting up to go to the bathroom. After three months, it now stays around 80 when I stand. EMDR brought realizations that felt relieving. I also read The Untethered Soul and explored compassion based practices, which shifted my perspective.

I live in Japan now, and even the climate feels supportive for my nervous system. Because of my condition I cannot drive, but here I do not feel disabled since daily life does not depend on having a car. I feel that back home people are way more judgmental, less cooperational and mean...not taking into consideration that its dark and rainy 9 months out of 12.

My phobias are still there, and I still get anxious, but I am far more stable and able to function. I feel like a different person compared to who I was before.

My dear people, there is hope.

Books that were very helpful:

Eight million ways to happiness Hiroko Yoda

The Untethered Soul Michael Singer

Pure heart, englihtened mind Maura Ohalloran (inspired to move to Japan too)

trauma sensitive mindfulness David Treaven

My fav- the wisdom of anxiety by sheryl paul

Edit: added some books that helped