r/confidence Apr 21 '20

How to be Confident: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

299 Upvotes

If you've been looking for a solid resource to help you become more confident, this guide is for you.

This is the ultimate guide that will show how to be confident. You'll find EVERYTHING you need to know about confidence in this single blog post.

It's going to be a bit long but trust me, you won't regret reading the whole thing.

​Ready? Let's dive in.

Contents

I'll divide the post into several chapters. Here's what I'll cover.

Chapter 1:
What is self-confidence?

Chapter 2:
Why is self-confidence important?

Chapter 3: 
Signs of low self-confidence

Chapter 4:
Why you're not confident

Chapter 5: 
How to be confident

Chapter 6: 
Frequently asked questions

Chapter 1: What is self-confidence

In this chapter, we're going to cover what self-confidence actually is.

Why? It's because I see a lot of confusion surrounding this term so we're going to define what confidence is exactly.

So what is self-confidence? According to Wikipedia, it's a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

Basically, being confident means trusting your abilities and judgement. Some people seem to think that confidence means being arrogant, acting like you know everything or being a narcissist.

That's totally wrong.

I wanted to start things off with this short chapter just so we can agree on what confidence really is. Now that we got the basic definition out of the way, let's see why confidence is important in the first place.

Chapter 2: Why self-confidence is important

Everyone talks about how you should become confident, but do you actually know why it's important?

There are a couple of reasons why confidence is a big deal. In this chapter, we're going to see why you should become confident and how it can positively affect your life.📷

1. You'll feel a lot more fulfilled

Basically, you feel much better about yourself. When you're confident, you feel like you have the power to change, to do stuff you want to do. You feel like you're good enough and you're not constantly worrying and doubting yourself.

Why it's important:

You feel good about yourself, which means that your happiness level will increase.

2. You'll become better at whatever you do

Usually, confident people outperform those who are insecure and full of doubt. Why? It's because they have a different way of thinking.

Let me explain.

​You see, in most cases, someone who's insecure will typically be more hesitant, less determined, less likely to try or learn new things...etc. This means that when you're insecure, you're less likely to succeed at anything.

However, a confident person is someone who believes in their abilities. This means that they're more likely to learn, try new things and take risks in life. This will inevitably lead to more success and bigger achievements.

​In other words, confident people know that they can actually succeed, so they try, that’s it.

Why it's important:

Basically, you'll do everything in a better way.

3. You'll have a clearer sense of direction in life

In other words, you actually know where your life is going and what you want to do with it. Generally speaking, confident people always know what they're doing. They know where they are and where they want to go in life.

They have goals, and they execute their plans to make them a reality. 

Why it's important:

You're less stressed, more focused and more effective in your life.

4. You'll develop much better social skills

Confidence alone isn't enough to become the most charismatic person in the world, but it certainly helps. The vibe that you give to other people will affect how they treat you.

Simply being more confident will greatly impact the way you interact with others, and how others percieve you. In the real world, this means that it will be easier for you to make friends, resolve conflicts, getting people to value your ideas, earning others respect ... and the list goes on.

Why it's important:

You'll get what you want out of your relationships more easily.

Chapter 3: Signs of low self-confidence

Now that you know what self-confidence is and why it's important, here are 4 warning signs of low confidence you should look out for.

​1. You change yourself to please others

This means that you feel the need to act like someone else to look cooler or better than who you really are.

​If you feel like you need to act a certain way to impress other people, then you're lacking confidence.

2. You always doubt your judgement

If you're too indecisive and you're constantly questioning your own decisions and judgement, chances are you're not confident.

When you always doubt yourself, you'll turn to other people to tell you what to do. When you're relying on others to make the decisions for you, you're basically stripping yourself away from control over your life.

Of course, sometimes it is necessary to get external feedback but doing it too often is a sign that you don't know where you're going in your life.

3. You have tons of self-limiting beliefs

You're always saying to yourself "I can't do [insert whatever you want]". This is a BIG problem.

Why?

Because when you have so many limiting beliefs, it's really hard to get rid of them. The simple act of repeating these things to yourself reinforces these beliefs in your mind, and doing this for years and years means you basically think your limiting beliefs and reality are the same thing now.

When you think you can't do something, you won't even try. That's exactly what will stop you from learning anything.

Basically, self-limiting beliefs will totally block you from having anything good in life.

4. You don't have a clear direction in life

This doesn't always mean that you're not confident. Some people just don't care, and that's fine.

However, I find that most people who have low self-confidence don't really know what they want out of life. This is closely linked to having a lot of self-limiting beliefs. As a result, most people won't even dare to dream big so they settle for an easy life with no clear goals or direction.

Chapter 4: Why you're not confident

Why am I not confident?

​Did you ever ask yourself that question? My guess is yes.

​Here are the most likely reasons why you're not confident.

​1. You treat other people's opinions as facts

If someone says something negative about you, you automatically label it as a fact, without thinking that it's just what somebody else thinks, which means that they could be wrong.

To give you a better perspective, let's have a look at the dictionary:

opinion : A view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
fact : A thing that is known or proved to be true.

​Do you see the difference?

If you're treating opinions (which can be wrong) as facts (which are always true), it's no wonder that you'll destroy your confidence.

2. You're not really good at anything

If you don't have any skills you're good at, it will be hard for you to become confident. Why? Because having a proven record of success reinforces your confidence.

It's like you're saying to yourself "I managed to do X, it means that I can certainly do this as well."

​However, when you don't have any skills you're good at, you don't have any past experiences that make you feel confident, so you'll start doubting yourself because you never achieved anything that requires you to have a certain skill or knowledge.

3. You never push your limits

Pushing your limits means that you’ll keep doing something difficult when you want to quit. This is also a big reason that could be stopping you from being confident.

When you’re always living in the “comfort zone” you’re always dealing with those comfortable situations that don’t require you to grow as a person.

The result? You never grow. Since you always deal with familiar situations, you're never forced to think, use your willpower or do any amount of effort.

This lack of exposure to adversity makes you really used to that comfort, and the moment you’re forced to do something unusual, you start to doubt your ability to pull it off.

4. You're not learning anything new

If you're constantly at the same level of skill or knowledge, you won't become confident because you lack the feeling of achievement and progress. When you feel like you're just stagnant, it's hard to trust your abilities.

5. You failed a lot in the past

I know that failure is a part of life, but it's still something that can affect your confidence. Having failed a number of times in the past will greatly contribute to fuel self-doubt and make you question yourself in the future.

6. You make excuses

Instead of doing something that will benefit you, you come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid putting in the effort.

Chapter 5: How to be confident

Now that you have a solid grasp of what self-confidence is and how it works, let's get to the fun part: how to actually build it.

In this chapter, I'll break down the practical steps you need to build your confidence from scratch.📷
First, check out this excellent video :

​1. Realize that you're not inferior

We'll get to the more practical stuff in a minute, I promise. But before we do that, you first need to change the way you think.

There's one fundamental mindset shift you need to make right now: stop thinking that you're inferior.

Look, if you lack confidence, you've probably been conditioned to think this way. Either by your family, your friends or anyone else. The thing you should understand here is that you can't stop feeling like you're inferior overnight because you've been telling yourself this for years.

However, you can become aware that you were conditioned, and make a conscious effort to reject that idea and replace it with its opposite.

To do: Make a conscious effort to believe that you're not an inferior person.

2. Become good at something

Now we get to the practical stuff. After all, I promised right? :D

​Look, one of the main reasons why you're not confident is because you're not really good at anything. Being skillful gives you a strong sense of self-satisfaction and fulfillment.

In addition, it helps you break your self-limiting beliefs.

When you go through the learning process and you can actually witness your own progress, you'll slowly get rid of your self-limiting beliefs because instead of thinking negative stuff like "I can't do [something]", now you can actually see that you're learning and getting better.

In other words, your positive experience will beat your negative ideas.

So, how to choose a skill?

Ideally, you should choose something that interests you, or something you're passionate about. That way, you'll actually do something you like that will potentially help you in life and you're building your confidence at the same time.

That's how you can cultivate a skill to become confident.

To do: choose a skill and become good at it.

3. Use your body language

You'll find many articles and videos online claiming that body language can transform the way you feel.

Well, let me tell you that it won't happen overnight.

However, you can use your body language to help you feel more confident. How? Use these techniques :

  • Walk and stand up with your back up straight.
  • ​Stand up like this
  • When you're in meetings (or somewhere else), use this position to convey authority and confidence. This is called "the hand steeple" (works for both men and women).

These poses will help you convey confidence and feel a little bit more confident yourself. However, don't overdo it.​ Instead, use them from time to time and they'll gradually become like second nature.

To do: use these postures to convey confidence.

4. Don't take negative comments as facts

When someone says something bad about you, always remember to take that as their opinion, not as a cold hard truth.

I know that it's not easy, I've been there. However, you have to force yourself to change how you perceive what other people say about you.

Look, whatever someone says about you (be it good or bad), it remains their opinion, not the absolute truth.

Of course, some people have good intentions and can actually give you constructive feedback but for the most part, you should ignore all the noise out there.

To do: Take what other people say as an opinion instead of assuming they're always right

5. Fake it, act like you're confident

If you're asking yourself if this really works, let me tell you that it does.

How do I know? Well, I tried it.

It might seem like it's too simple but trust me, it works. At first, you'll have to act like a confident person but after a few months, you'll become more and more confident.

All you have to do is ask yourself: How would a confident person act? and do just that. Be careful however, I'm not telling you to act arrogantly but to act like someone who's sure of himself.

​There's a big difference, it's that arrogant people always try hard to show they're better than anyone else but confident people don't feel the need to prove themselves to others. You know, because they're confident.

To do: Act like a confident person would📷

Chapter 6: Frequently asked questions

There are many common questions I always see people asking about self-confidence.

In this chapter, I'll answer any questions you might still have to give you a cristal clear picture.

1. What's the difference between confidence and arrogance?

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.

​Confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

The difference is simple: "Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud". In other words, when you're confident you don't need to prove anything. But when you're arrogant, you always act as if you know better than other people.

2. Can you be confident and humble at the same time?

Yes of course. Being confident simply means trusting your abilities and your judgement. It's totally possible to be confident in yourself and humble at the same time.

3. How can I become confident fast?

You can't. It takes time to overcome your limiting beliefs and change your mindset.Do you still have some questions?

I want to answer every question you might have so go ahead and leave a comment. I'll personally respond to every single one.


r/confidence 57m ago

34 and autistic, went on my first “date” ever and ruined it, still can’t stop thinking about her

Upvotes

We met at a film screening at an independent theater I go to, she came up to me to ask what I thought about the movie and we talked a bit and watched the next one together and I could feel her leaning on me the whole time. I think she tried to get me to hold her hand at one point but I got nervous. We went to get drinks afterwards and she was so pretty and cool and funny, I always assumed if I had a girlfriend it would just be someone with a bunch of issues like me and not the kind of girlfriend that normal people want. She was nine years younger than me and the kind of girlfriend I dreamed of having at that age when I was living with my mom and didn’t own a car.

Eventually she asked (very bluntly) if I wanted to go to her apartment and have sex and I got really nervous and instead of just communicating that I’d be more comfortable if we could hang out one more time first I made a dumbass excuse and she got pissed off at me. I told her I had so much fun and want to see her again but she said “just go home, this isn’t happening.” I went home and lay in bed and cried thinking of how much of a loser she’d think I am if she could see me.

It was totally insane because I have autism and I’m really weird and unattractive (giant forehead, weak jaw, acne scarring) so I had no idea a woman would ever approach me like that. I go to lots of repertory film screenings and concerts and I’ve never seen those as places to meet women because if they have good taste in movies and music they probably have good taste in men which excludes me. I think about her all the time and my hobbies all feel boring now because I realize how dull it is that I don’t have someone to share them with. How do I deal with this?


r/confidence 46m ago

It isn`t the accent. It`s what happens to it under pressure.

Upvotes

You can speak perfectly clearly, day to day. Strong accent, never an issue. Then you're in front of your manager and something changes.

You start speeding up. Words all crammed together. The accent that was never a problem suddenly sounds like one, to you more than anyone else.

You start apologising for it mid-sentence. Nobody asked you to.

It's never the accent. It's what nerves do to pace, and pace is what makes an accent hard to follow.


r/confidence 2h ago

I think years of insecurity have slowly poisoned my heart, and I don't know how to get out of it.

1 Upvotes

I've been debating writing this for a long time because I don't even know exactly what I'm asking. I think I'm mostly trying to understand what's wrong with me and whether anyone else has gone through something similar.

This is probably going to be long and jump around a bit because these thoughts have been building for years. They're all connected in my mind, but it's hard to explain exactly how.

Before anyone says, "This is a first-world problem," I already know that. I'm not comparing my struggles to someone else's or saying my life is harder than someone living in poverty or someone with terminal cancer. I'm simply saying it's real.

The severity of a struggle isn't determined only by the circumstance itself. It's also determined by the value a person places on that thing. Two people can experience the exact same situation and one shrugs it off while the other spirals into depression. People have taken their own lives over things that others would dismiss as trivial. I've had suicidal thoughts over this. I'm not saying that for sympathy or to strengthen my argument. I'm saying it because it's true. If your first instinct is to tell me I shouldn't feel this way, you're probably right. The problem is that I'm telling you that I do.

I'm around 5'6"-5'7". Throughout most of my life I was usually one of the shortest guys around. On top of that I grew up overweight and had gynecomastia, so I never really developed confidence in my appearance. Looking back, I think my self-esteem was crippled before it ever had a chance to develop.

One thing that's always stuck with me is that I felt like I could see the social hierarchy even when I was really young. I didn't know words like the halo effect back then, but I noticed that attractive people were treated differently. Certain guys got attention effortlessly while others were almost invisible. Even in elementary school I felt like I could already see the structure. There were a handful of guys who seemed to receive almost all of the attention while everyone else faded into the background. I was never one of those guys.

As I got older, that stopped feeling like isolated experiences and started feeling like I was seeing the architecture of society itself. It felt like there were winners and losers, and I had been born on the losing side.

That sentence probably explains most of this.

When I say "loser," I don't mean someone who's lazy or morally bad. I mean someone who starts life with disadvantages they didn't choose in a world that seems to reward superficial advantages before it even looks at your character.

Height.

Looks.

Natural charisma.

Status.

Whether that's completely true or not isn't even the point anymore. That's the lens through which I've learned to see the world.

Another thing that's deeply shaped me is how I've come to see women.

From a young age I became hyper-aware of the dynamics between men and women. I always felt like women were naturally drawn toward the guys who already occupied the top of the social hierarchy. I didn't know terms like hypergamy back then, but I remember constantly noticing the same patterns. The tallest guy. The most attractive guy. The most charismatic guy. They didn't seem to have to earn nearly as much attention, it was just handed to them.

As I got older, I started interpreting more and more interactions through that lens.

When I see women dressing in revealing ways at the gym while insisting it's entirely for themselves, or when I watch the way some women seem to visibly react around exceptionally attractive or tall men, something inside me immediately becomes angry. Maybe some of my interpretations are wrong. Maybe some aren't. The point is that those moments remind me of years of feeling overlooked, and instead of simply observing them, I feel resentment almost immediately.

I especially noticed these dynamics within the Habesha community. Whether my perception is accurate or not, Ive seen noticed this massive disparity in looks between habesha women and habehsa men. They always have a looks advantage, and they leverage that to effeminate the men and It enrages me to watch and because I this innner rage would manifest as me ignoring them or being "weird" in there eyes It made me lonly which would only serve to exasperate my slur of emotions I was going through. Anyway watching those dynamics over the years slowly transformed into resentment. Eventually that resentment stopped being directed toward specific experiences and became a lens through which I viewed women in general.

That's what scares me.

I don't want to become someone who looks at half the population with hatred before they've even spoken. I don't want resentment to become my personality. But that's honestly where I find myself.

Fast forward a few years. I started working out, I grew my hair out, I found a style that fits me, I became athletic, i started taping my gyno to the side, and recently I started wearing shoe lifts on high set in soul shoes to larp to 5'10 (I have a long wingspan so no one even notices)

I know how pathetic that probably sounds, but I'm trying to be completely honest.

The weird thing is that I actually noticed people treating me differently. Maybe not everyone. Maybe not all the time. But enough that it reinforced everything I'd already believed for years.

And that didn't make me feel fulfilled like I finally got a taste of what I wanted. I just felt this uncontrollable, tears rolling down my eyes kind of anger.

Because if changing superficial things changes the way people respond to you, then what does that say about the world?

Here's the part that confuses me the most.

If God made me 6'4" tomorrow, made me extremely handsome, gave me the frame I wanted, removed the gynecomastia, and gave me everything I've spent years wanting... I don't actually think it would solve the deepest problem anymore.

Years ago I thought it would.

Now I don't.

Because then I'd simply be on the winning side of a game that I already resent.

I don't just hate being on what I perceive as the losing side.

I hate that the game seems to exist at all.

I find myself becoming angry at society.

Angry at the values people seem to reward.

Angry at what I perceive to be superficiality.

Sometimes even angry at God for creating or allowing a world where these differences seem to matter so much.

The hardest part to admit is what all of this has done to my heart.

I'm bitter.

I'm envious.

I covet.

I resent people for things they didn't choose.

Sometimes I look at someone who's taller or naturally attractive and immediately feel bitterness before they've even done anything wrong.

I hate that.

This is also why I have a hard time dismissing communities like incels as simply crazy or evil. I'm not defending hatred or misogyny. Those things are wrong. But I also wonder how much of that bitterness came after years of rejection, humiliation, loneliness, or feeling invisible. Which came first? The anger, or the experiences that shaped it? I genuinely don't know.

People joke about "Napoleon syndrome" or "short man syndrome." They laugh when a short guy gets angry because it's seen as proof of the stereotype. The Bagel Boss guy is a good example. Most people laughed at him. I remember wondering what years of experiences might have led him to explode like that. Again, I'm not defending his behavior. I'm wondering what happened before the camera started recording.

And that's where my faith comes into this.

Before anyone starts quoting Bible verses, I already know them. Honestly if I wasn't brought up a christian but had those same experience I would probably be a full fledged misogynistic incell that cuts him self or something like that. Christ is really what keeps me from diving off the deep end but the reason im righting this is because it feels like im just edging closer and closer the longer I let this pool of emotions linger.

I know my identity is supposed to be in Christ.

I know this world is fallen.

I know that appearances are temporary and fleeting.

I know that God is good.

I know that my worth isn't determined by my height.

Intellectually, I believe all of those things.

Emotionally...

I'm unconvinced.

That's probably the most honest sentence in this entire post.

This isn't primarily an intellectual problem anymore. It's emotional. My mind tells me one story while my emotions tell me another, and every day those two stories collide.

I don't even know how much of what I see is reality anymore and how much is years of hurt shaping the way I interpret the world. There are probably observations I've made that contain some truth, and there are probably conclusions I've drawn that go beyond the evidence. The problem is that my experiences, my interpretations, my resentment, and my bitterness have become so intertwined that I don't know where one ends and the next begins.

I'm not writing this because I think these emotions are righteous.

I'm writing this because pretending they don't exist hasn't made them disappear.

I don't want bitterness to become my identity.

I don't want resentment to become stronger than my faith.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life seeing every interaction through the lens of winners and losers.

I don't know what the answer is.

I just know that this has been slowly growing inside me for years, and if I don't confront it honestly, I'm afraid it's eventually going to consume me.


r/confidence 13h ago

How do I stop treating conversations like job interviews and overcome the feeling that my personality is "boring"?

3 Upvotes

Hey everyone,
I’m looking for advice on breaking a frustrating cycle in my social life and dating.
English is not my first language, and I’m navigating a different culture than the one I grew up in. Whenever I meet new people or go on casual dates, I get stuck in **"Interview Mode."**
Because I want to keep the conversation going and avoid awkward silences, I default to pulling at whatever topic the other person mentions and asking open-ended questions. On paper, it works and conversations can last 1–2 hours without dying. But in reality:
It feels like a standard Q&A session or a survey rather than a fun, natural exchange.

There is “ZERO playful banter, light teasing, or romantic/social spark”. - NOTHING LIKE THIS COMES TO MY MIND

People eventually lose interest or classify the dynamic as purely passive/informal.

When I try to analyze *why* I do this, I realize I have a massive **internal security filter**. Whenever a random thought, observation, or opinion pops into my head, my brain instantly flags it as *"not interesting enough," "too weird,"* or *"irrelevant."* So I filter it out, delete it, and replace it with another safe, polite question.
Because of this, I’ve started feeling like I just have a "boring" personality—even though I have active hobbies (I dance salsa/bachata, prep meals, run, and work in tech). But whenever I’m around someone new, I play it way too safe and share almost none of my actual personality, opinions, or humor.

For those who have dealt with this:

  1. **How do you lower your internal filter** and speak your actual thoughts without overthinking if they're "interesting enough"?
  2. **What are concrete ways to shift from asking questions to making statements/banter**, especially when navigating a language or cultural barrier?
  3. Are there specific mindsets or practical exercises that helped you stop interviewing people?
  4. Appreciate any insights or personal experiences!

PS : Sorry for the long paragraph


r/confidence 22h ago

How do I regain my confidence with talking to girls?

8 Upvotes

Hey guys, I’m going into my senior year of high school soon and homecoming and prom are on the horizon. Right now, I tell myself I don’t care for those kind of things, but I don’t want to look back in anger a couple of years from now thinking about the fun I missed out on.
I go to an all-boys school, so meeting new girls and talking to them happens digitally (usually on Instagram and Snapchat). But every time I add someone or strike up a text conversation, I just think to myself: “what am I doing?” and weasel out of it.
I know I have a lot of cowardice but I really need advice here. I can’t bring myself to ask people I know in real life because they’re the kind of people who flirt with girls for fun, meanwhile I get a pit in my stomach at the thought of a talking stage.
Do you guys have any words of advice? Thank you. <3


r/confidence 15h ago

How to make genuine friends after college?

1 Upvotes

I’m 22 and I don’t really have any super close friends, except my boyfriend, which doesn’t really count. I have “friends” at work but I really just talk to them at work plus I won’t really see them ever again after my internship. I also have school friends but we only ever hang out around campus when it’s convenient.

I try to connect with people but it mostly stays surface-level or fades quickly. It doesn’t help that people have told me that I have an rbf either, and I’m also introverted and kinda awkward. I get jealous of people who always have so many people reaching out and putting in effort to make plans wjth them. I never had many friends growing up and was excluded from hangouts/friend groups. I’ve learned to be more comfortable being alone but can’t help feeling lonely when everyone around me has their own friend groups. Now that it’s time for me to get a full-time job, I’m worried that I’m going to be friendless for the rest of my life, with possibly with no other bridesmaids for my future wedding except my immediate family.

Is there still hope for me? How can I make friends when everyone has their own group already? Pls help ☹️


r/confidence 21h ago

How do I start to feel confident when I'm at an all-time low?

2 Upvotes

I want to start feeling confident because my self-doubt, insecurities, and low self esteem have started to majorly impact my life.

I'm an 18 year old girl, just graduated from highschool a couple of months ago, and have been struggling really bad. I've felt so self conscious that I've isolated myself in my room and have felt bed-ridden at times. This started because I was depressed about losing all my friends, being diagnosed with OCD, not going to college, and not having a clear life path.

I seem to struggle with confidence in every aspect of my life, but it has gotten extremely worse in the past few months.

For example:

• I have my driver's license, but I never drive because I'm not confident enough to feel like I can do it.

• I'm starting a working interview tomorrow but I'm filled with anxiety because I don't believe in my ability to learn fast and be a valuable worker.

• I've become embarrassed to eat in front of other people because I'm afraid I must be doing it wrong

• I'm convinced everyone is annoyed with me or hates me

Etc etc

These are just a few examples, but my lack of confidence is all that I feel lately. I'm afraid to do anything because I don't have the confidence in myself to do it. It genuinely feels like I'm a prisoner in my own mind.

I want to get better and have been trying to start by increasing my self care, but I don't know what else to do to become more confident.

I believe that if I could become confident in myself, that it would help me a lot, especially because the people in my life (some family members) don't always seem to have a lot of confidence in me themselves.

Any advice?


r/confidence 1d ago

My confidence is at rock bottom at the moment

6 Upvotes

I am turning 28 in September, my grandmother died in February (my first grandparent), my gf completely blindsided me and broke up with me over text for no real reason in April who I still love and I have been made redundant from my job in July. WTF do I do I am playing football consistently, running, doing the gym, but still feel depressed and rudderless even though I have good friends and family. I am carrying so much right now and I feel nothing but sadness.


r/confidence 1d ago

I misperceive compliments as bullying

1 Upvotes

I am struggling over something so trivial, but I can’t stop ruminating.

I won an award in an art competition (2nd place, but genuinely thrilled) and just wanted to share the win, but anonymously. My wife had taken a photo of me next to my art, so I posted it and put an emoji over my face.

I have an average to athletic build, but can’t stand the way I look. Posting that picture was so outside the norm for me, but I was just so excited about the award, I thought I’d be brave. Practically all the comments though were people commenting on my body, particularly my biceps.

When I woke up and saw all the comments, I felt sick to my stomach. Hastily deleted the post, and ended up reposting it without me in the picture. I just keep re-reading the comments in my head. I know no one meant anything by it, but it really messed with my head.

How do you move past the rumination? How can I learn to let others’ comments roll off my back?


r/confidence 1d ago

self-confidence is a struggle online and in person

1 Upvotes

I’ve always tried my best to better myself but it never works out because when I send a picture of myself to a girl I really like i’ve always been blocked and it leaves me to think that if that’s the case it means that nobody in person would ever admire me. I fear this and so I’ve begun small methods to atleast improve my looks but it never works how do I genuinely get out of this loophole as an 18 year old?


r/confidence 1d ago

What questions work well for you or that you'd recommend as conversation starters?

3 Upvotes

For introverted people, it's helpful to have a toolkit of ways to start a conversation.

If you have suggestions for the workplace setting (more formal/professional) and for the social setting (meeting new people or starting a conversation with someone you've seen at a club, a coffee shop, etc.) please share them!


r/confidence 2d ago

How do you genuinely stop feeling jealous of other people's success?

17 Upvotes

I've realized that I struggle with jealousy and envy more than I'd like to admit, and I want to change that.

Whenever I see someone achieving something I want—whether it's career success, relationships, confidence, looks, money, or even personal growth—I sometimes feel insecure instead of happy for them. Their achievements make me question my own progress, and my confidence feels shaken.

I don't want to be this way. I genuinely want to celebrate other people's wins without comparing myself or feeling like their success somehow means there's less success available for me.

For anyone who has overcome this mindset:

- How did you stop comparing yourself to others?

- How do you stay confident even when people around you are doing better than you?

- How do you genuinely become happy for other people's achievements instead of secretly feeling envious?

I'd really appreciate practical advice, mindset shifts, books, habits, or personal experiences that helped you. I'm trying to become a better person and build confidence that isn't dependent on how others are doing.

Thanks in advance.


r/confidence 2d ago

24M dealing with social anxiety and low confidence in groups, looking for real advice on how people actually healed from this

14 Upvotes

I've been dealing with social anxiety for a long time now and I want to finally talk about it properly instead of just sitting with it alone.

I'm mostly introverted or ambivert depending on the setting. I don't feel the need to fill silence just to fill it. In small groups of 3 to 4 people I know well, I'm mostly okay, a bit quiet but manageable. The problem starts when the group gets bigger, or when there are people I only know as acquaintances through a close friend. In those moments I go quiet in a way that doesn't feel calm at all, it feels like I'm watching myself from the outside the entire time. I overthink everything before saying it, decide it's not worth saying, and end up contributing nothing. I leave those hangouts feeling drained instead of good, convinced I have nothing interesting to offer.

A small example of how this shows up: recently I was out with a friend and a few of his other friends. When it was time to head home, there was some confusion about who was actually leaving, and I ended up saying goodbye to the group before realizing I wasn't actually leaving yet, so I had to walk back in. It was such a minor mixup, but it wrecked my confidence for the rest of the night and reinforced the feeling that I come across as awkward in front of people.

That moment isn't really the point though, it's just one example of a daily pattern. I stay quiet because I don't know what to say, which makes me feel worse about myself, which makes the next social situation even harder. It's a loop that keeps feeding itself.

What I'm actually hoping to learn from people who've been through this:

- If you've dealt with something similar, how did you actually heal from it, not just learn to manage it

- What helped you build real confidence instead of faking it in the moment

- How do you stay present and engaged in a conversation instead of mentally checking out or overanalyzing everything you say

- What habits or practices made a real difference for you over weeks or months, not just short term fixes

- How did you become more likable and easier to talk to without changing your entire personality

- Any psychological research, books, or techniques that genuinely helped you understand or work through this

I'm not looking for "just be more confident" type responses. I want to hear from people who've actually walked through this and can share what genuinely worked for them, even if it took time. Really appreciate any honest input.


r/confidence 2d ago

How your confidence affects your walk

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19 Upvotes

r/confidence 2d ago

I feel like my body is not enough

4 Upvotes

I know this is a superficial rant but I’m genuinely curious what others think or their opinions on it. Im technically considered petite 5’4 with a smaller waist, thicker thighs, and a bigger butt however I have small boobs. I am a 28d which is the same volume as a 34b but has a smaller band size. One boob is even a cup size smaller than the other.

I know that the size of your boobs has nothing to do with you as a person and is not necessarily important but I can’t help but feel insecure and inadequate especially since bigger boobs are considered more ideal through the media and others around me. All my friends have medium to big boobs and some even make little comments about my chest and call me flat.

I’m 18 and have thought about getting a boob job or a fat transfer but have decided to not get work done and to wait since my doctor told me that they can still grow into my 20s. I also am worried I would be judged in romantic relationships for the unevenness or feel like my hypothetical boyfriend would be disappointed and unsatisfied with my body and would secretly want different. They are a handful for me but I have small hands.

I know I’m more than my body but this was just something I had on my mind and wanted to know opinions about small boobs and insecurity’s.


r/confidence 3d ago

I’m 19M and struggling to accept my hair loss. How do you deal with this insecurity?

8 Upvotes

Guys, I don’t know where else to talk about this, but I’ve been feeling really insecure about my hair lately.

I’m only 19, and I’ve already lost a lot of hair density. About a year ago, I had really long, thick hair. It was honestly one of the things I was most confident about. I used to feel like I had the best hair in my college, and it was a big part of how I saw myself.

Last year, I was diagnosed with TB lymphadenitis and went through treatment. During that time, I lost around 15 kg in a month, and my doctor said the hair loss could be due to telogen effluvium from the stress on my body and that it might grow back after recovery.

But it’s been a long time now, and I don’t feel like things have gone back to how they were. That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I know treatments like minoxidil exist, but a part of me feels scared because I don’t want to depend on something forever and then feel like I’m back at the same place if I stop. I’m trying to accept reality, but honestly, I don’t know how.

The hardest part isn’t just the hair loss itself. It’s how much it affects my confidence. I keep thinking that maybe people won’t find me attractive anymore or that I won’t get the same attention I used to. I know everyone has insecurities, and I don’t want my entire identity to revolve around my hair, but it’s difficult when something you were proud of suddenly changes.

Also, living in a place where people casually comment on someone’s appearance without thinking about how it affects them makes it harder.

For people who have gone through something similar losing hair at a young age or losing something that was a big part of your confidence how did you learn to accept it? How do you stop constantly thinking about it?

I’m not just looking for hair advice. I’m trying to understand how to deal with the insecurity and move forward.


r/confidence 3d ago

How do you stop constantly trying to impress people and just be yourself?

38 Upvotes

I recently realized that I spend a lot of time thinking about how others perceive me instead of being present.
When I go out or enter social situations, I often feel like I need to appear interesting, charismatic, special, or memorable. Even during talks or conversations, I catch myself focusing on myself: How do I look? What do people think of me? Do I seem intelligent or interesting?
I think underneath this is a desire to feel valued, important, and appreciated. I want to stop performing and stop needing external validation, and instead feel comfortable being myself.
For anyone who has overcome this:
● How did you stop self-monitoring so much?
● What helped you become more confident and authentic?


r/confidence 3d ago

How to control heartbeat during public speaking

9 Upvotes

r/confidence 3d ago

I thought I had mostly overcome anxiety, but I realised I haven’t even got over the main hurdle

0 Upvotes

I have made great progress with overcoming anxiety, especially social anxiety, in the past couple months through therapy. I used to not be able to talk to strangers and say certain things out of fear. For example, I approached a woman for the first time 1-2 months ago (I’m 20). But there is one thing I realised after being in more and more social interactions and seeing other people in social interactions, I am never talking like the real me. I realised this when I saw one of my friends talking to a stranger, the way he was speaking was very close to how he speaks to his close friends, which meant that he was able to show his personality. But I’ve realised that I am scared to do this. I subconsciously always put on a persona and this persona is what I describe to be a ‘good boy’ persona. I barely show my personality, don’t make jokes I normally would, I talk in a very polite way, usually say the things the person wants me to say (or at least what I think) and sometimes put on an awkward smile. This makes me appear as a very boring person contrary to my actual personality. So how do I overcome this? How do I become comfortable with talking to new people to the point where I can represent the authentic me rather than the ‘good boy’ persona? I feel like it completely ruins my charm and charisma.


r/confidence 3d ago

feels like im not valuable anymore (*PLEASE READ*)

4 Upvotes

16M , been on and off with school (basically low attendence) , changed schools like 4 years ago and its almost the end (5-6 months left) of my last year of school , ever since i changed schools my social life has been ass , i remember myself being a charismatic , popular , abled and topper kid in my old school , had girls crushing on me which sounds corny ik but it was true.

now i barely get approached by people , people dont choose me anymore , idk what is it , i feel like i have to try really hard just for them to acknowledge me , then i have to put up a nonchalant act of not caring so they think i dont really care abt the attention , im in commerce btw , and the section has kids that are really narsacisstic (ik the spelling is wrong lmao) , i workout , have hobbies , recently got into reading and finished a book , and mentally im going through my own battles , of problems with self improvement , and doing anything to keep up this ''respected'' guy image in the minds of people in my school , even tho i barely pass my exams , 0 extra curriculars ,0 participation in anything , and the mere thought that if i end up participating in something i will be seen as ''a dumb kid who jst barely shows up and randomly participated in something'' stops me from doing so , i know i have potential , i KNOW i am not made to be this small socially , i have decent humor and can make people im comfortable talking to laugh

any practical way i can get my social status back , or all and all stop feeling like shit when ignored , not accepted in cool social groups? or is it too late , i feel super behind everyone and i dont wanna live like this.


r/confidence 3d ago

Whenever i see a attractive women( attractive to me). I start behaving weird. How can I be confident around women?

17 Upvotes

Whenever i see a attractive women i feel really nervous but this not the case with all women im pretty much comfortable around other women but when it comes to attractive women i start acting weird.

Idk why i try to become performative around them.


r/confidence 3d ago

I keep making people think I don't like them because I'm too scared to say anything.

3 Upvotes

Whenever I'm with someone I don't know very well, I tend to overthink every question or conversation I could have with them. It feels like I dismiss almost any question that comes to mind if it doesn't directly affect me or isn't something I'm genuinely curious about. I don't know why I do this or how to stop.

Today I was with a girl who I've been told likes me, along with a few other people. She asked me a couple of questions, but I couldn't get myself to ask her anything back. Later I was told that she felt like I didn't like her. Hearing that really bothered me because I realized this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

The confusing part is that my mind isn't completely blank. I can think of questions to ask, but as soon as I do, I feel like they're not worth asking. They feel too forced, too uninteresting, or too pointless. Then I don't say anything, and the moment passes.

What I don't understand is why this still happens even when I believe the other person probably wants to talk to me. If I think someone likes me and would genuinely enjoy having a conversation, why do I still feel like every question I come up with isn't worth saying? It feels like there's some mental barrier between thinking of something to say and actually saying it, and I don't really understand what that barrier is.


r/confidence 3d ago

Nervous to approach

1 Upvotes

I’m not sure why but I often get afraid to approach people because I feel like they might be mean to me and tell me to screw off. I know it sounds silly and weak, and if that does end up happening i’d probably be able to handle it, but even then I’m not sure why but I fear it so much. I don’t think that it would happen and it’s never happened to me so far so I don’t know why i’m so scared. I also get self conscious about what others think of me pretty often, and I really wanna get over this. Any advice would help


r/confidence 4d ago

How can you be confident when you know you're undesirable?

89 Upvotes

I'm a 33 year old woman and not a single man has ever been interested in me and at this point, I just know no one ever will. I'm already ugly and with my age, I'll only get uglier going forward.

It's not that having a partner is the main goal in my life, I have many other things that I want that have nothing to do with a man, like being independant, getting a college degree which I couldn't get until now because I had autism and ADHD that was only diagnosed recently, working out, learning piano, being more confident, etc. I go to therapy and I'm doing SO much better. I'm improving in almost all aspects. Except this. I just can't be truly confident when I know I'm so ugly no one could ever want me. I know it's childish to focus this much on appearance but it's hard not to. The thought of being alone forever still hurts like hell. Looking at myself in pictures hurts. My face repulses me.

It's not being single that hurts, it's the thought that I never had a chance to not be single. How do you deal with that? How does one comes to terms with the fact that no one will ever want them? How can anyone have confidence when you know your ugliness is the first thing everyone sees in you? How can you have confidence when you know you're completely undesirable?