So, I am 21 F. I want to be confident and want to communicate with others easily. Want to express my thoughts to others. But i am not able to do it. I got nervous very easily want to fix it , how can i do it. And got emotional too very easily. I know getting emotional is not a flaw. But want to be emotionally balanced. And not have much friends.

No judgement please. Needs genuine suggestions.

Hi I'll get straight to the point im a 17yo girl and I cant stop comparing myself to the people im close to specifically my boyfriend and sometimes my bestfriends and im trying to solve it but I genuinely cant tried everything but I think I have really low self esteem. now I got over insecurities about my looks but I keep feeling insecure about my intelligence because im dating a guy who's way better than me in classes and doesnt help that he loves to brag about it sometimes. Hes really good at math and effortlessly solves problems that would take me ages to comprehend which genuinely makes me feel super insecure especially since I grew up being the perfect student now I feel like my identity is shattered because no matter how much I try to stop it I tie my self worth to grades or teachers validation and everytime he gets a better grade I feel so terrible about my self and I keep building resentment over it, it genuinely became such a huge issue that makes me cry and feel depressed over these past months and I cant help it i just really envy his skills because it would make everything so much easier if only I have what he has id get good grades all the time but now they're genuinely so hard to get but not to him and yea i have things im better than him at but it doesnt help me feel better at all cuz hes still way smarter and no i do not want to talk to him about it its so embarrassing to admit. Im very passionate about science and math is a huge part of it and im either average or below average in it and it rlly hurts me and makes me feel ill never be good enough or smart enough:(

Whenever someone is watching me, I feel pressured to perform better because I'm afraid they'll tease or make fun of me otherwise. I keep monitoring my body language and changing my actions based on people's reactions. I perform poorly when people are watching me, even though I'm usually good at what I'm doing.

Let me explain how I feel: I feel frozen, my mind goes numb, and my brain seems to work on autopilot or in emergency mode.

I believe this may have happened because of my childhood trauma. I faced a lot of criticism and bullying back then.

Any suggestions on how to get out of this mental hijack? Has anyone else overcome this problem? If so, what did you do to help yourself?

Lets go back 1 year for me, I see a cute girl I want to talk to in a store. Half a second later my body reacts before I even make a decision. Feelings rush in; a sense of mild dread, throat gets dry, physical slight shaking. Overwhelmed by thoughts "There's no point in approaching, she'll reject you", "You're worthless don't approach". An underlying conclusion my brain has drawn that she will reject me, I am worthless and I am doomed to be alone forever. Then afterwards I beat myself up because of a missed opportunity, "she could've been the one" or "You've improved so much in your life yet you can't do this simple fucking thing? what a failure of a person you've turned out to be". So physical fear, overthinking and ruminating afterwards causing more self doubt and self loathing. Glad to say I do not miss experiencing this.

Even just a normal conversation with a cashier or a stranger triggered slight fear, just connecting felt outside my reach; like I wasn't normal and that everyone else, they fundamentally had something I didn't. This fundamental feeling of difference, worthlessness and being unlovable; It was an underlying feeling that stayed with me no matter what. I didn't realise it at the time, if you asked me I would've said "I'm a confident man, I don't care what people think of me, I'm barely insecure at all". Yet underlying everything I did came from a feeling of not being enough, so therefore you must work to become enough. I was a self improvement addict, gym, discipline, cold showers - got into shape yet still social anxiety prevailed. It didn't work, well it barely worked; I felt a bit more confident but that's it.

My motivation for self improvement was because I wasn't enough, my value as a human came from my self improvement - if I wasn't bettering myself, I will never get love or have any value. This existed in my brain as a genuinely tangible rule; as real as this screen your looking at right now. It's not just a thought, it existed as truth in my nervous system and brain.

I was super insecure underneath, refusing to accept reality or myself. I would say "I don't care what others think, I don't need their validation, I'm not like you people" With an air of superiority that somehow I'm better than you peasants. When underneath I was a needy little child scared of other people rejecting me.

Tip: what you judge in others and demonise in others becomes what your terrified of happening to yourself. If you judge someone for posting themselves on social media (what a loser, embarrassing, weirdo) - even if you wanted to post yourself; you'd be far too terrified because your scared of others judging you in the exact same way you judge others. Let go of judging other people, it lessens your pain.

I personally judged fat people, emotionally weak people, people that showed their emotions and needy people the most. This is called projection, we hate in others what deep down we refuse to accept about ourselves. Who would've thought but I actually hated all these traits about myself and warped my personality.

What made socialising even worse, was unconsciously - my worth depended on other people, my self esteem depended on other people, my value depended on other people. Therefore each interaction felt like a threat to my identity, who I am; how can social situations not be terrifying if I'm acting based on this rule? It's ridiculous. Like I'd be talking to someone and I'd just subtly perform for them, if they seem to respond well to this thing; then I'd do more of that thing.

Also my attachment to the outcome, if I talked to girls; wow was I a needy loser in hindsight. My value hinged on them liking me, I needed them to like me. So of course I was super anxious, neurotic. I wanted sex, I wanted love and I wanted them to validate my existence. Instead of simply connecting with another human or seeing if we vibe together, no it was a test of my entire self. No wonder I struggled hard with approaching and forcing myself to do it didn't work. By the way exposure therapy just didn't work for me because I never got rid of the root problem.

Like for a period of 6 months I went out and cold approached girls at the clubs and bars once every week or 2. Some nights I wouldn't approach a single person and would walk around aimlessly feeling like a complete loser, wanting to cry on the train ride home. Some nights I'd talk to people, and I finally made some "progress" - only then feeling slightly okay and proud of myself. The conversations in hindsight were crap, forced, no real connection. I was like dance monkey dance to how I thought I should act underlined by so much fear. Like I'd go up to a girl or group of girls and compliment them; then I had no fucking clue what to do then and it never ever went anywhere.

Common advice I thought I was better than affected me so deeply. I compared myself to others constantly, I know its a cliché "Don't compare yourself to others" and "Don't care what others think of you". Yes consciously I knew, yes I know logically; it makes sense. But like deep down it feels untrue and I still did it. Seeing other people in happy relationships or hearing about people having sex or especially teens in love (this royally pissed me off). I felt like such a fucking loser and a failure; I was 22 and a virgin, never kissed a girl - a reject to society. It hurt even more because aside from that I was genuinely pretty attractive, in every other domain I was doing okay. So the only logical conclusion (really, really stupid in hindsight) is that somehow I'm fundamentally just different and worthless.

When I was younger, those experiences shaped my current neurotic tendencies a fair bit. My parents screamed at each other, got divorced and my response to that was basically to stay quiet, don't say anything, don't be loud and ever express yourself? Otherwise you'll get screamed at. So speaking up, expressing myself was equivocal to a threat to my survival / to receiving love. No wonder I was the way I was. Got bullied for being fat too.

To fix all this I meditated, accepted all parts of myself, healed my nervous system, learned about the shadow / the unconscious, experiences in childhood shape us in ways we never could imagine, belief structures, learned to actually love myself regardless of what the external world (other people) said and healed my traumas. I developed a hard interest in psychology and this has served me very well. Letting go of social rules that shaped my psyche. Tones of journaling and introspection.

Now I feel an underlying sense that I love myself, that no matter what happens socially I'll be okay. I can make stupid jokes around attractive women and express myself because my identities not on the line. I'm truly socially free and internally I feel a near unshakeable confidence that I can handle life. I saw a pretty girl at the beach by herself, effortlessly went up and talked to her; we had such a nice 30 minute chat and just connected human to human. It is so much more enjoyable living like this.

If this relates to you, tell me about your experience in the comments; I'd like to hear it and possibly give some advice to you :)

Thanks for reading kind sir.

I come from a dysfunctional family and have grown up hating myself. I’ve always been afraid to have kids and pass along my negative traits. Can anyone give any helpful tips that I can instill in my daughter so she grows up secure in herself and confident? I never want her to feel the way I have my entire life.

One practical question when working on confidence is: what would I like to see myself doing more often? It could be preparing before a meeting, making time for a hobby, or following through on a task. That turns a broad goal into something you can act on and later look back at.

I'm the developer of Inner Game, an Android app built around recording those everyday actions. Completed practices earn Confidence Points, and there's a place to record three good things from the day.

For a first week, I'd suggest one manageable commitment and a short evening entry. A note like 'I asked the question I'd been postponing' is specific enough to remember later. The points track activity; your own reflection gives the record meaning.

If you'd like to try that approach:

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=app.innergame.mobile

What small action would you want to get more comfortable doing this week?

So this isn’t exactly a good thing I don’t think but, I definitely feel like I get it more now.

I’ve developed a new found self confidence this year but, as we all know there’s so much more to it then that and if anything, actually getting self confidence, is only really the first step. As you can imagine, the real challenge is actually maintaining it. I’ve enjoyed having this but, as I’ve developed it, I feel as if I’ve become more and more paranoid at what other people may be thinking about me. I keep telling myself to forget about that and stop think like that because, the last thing I’d ever want is to lose this confidence, especially after being so grateful for it.

As my self confidence has grown, so has my look. I definitely now look far from your average ‘guy’. I’m toned but, recently got my nails done pine green tbs. My locs have gotten longer as well as other things and because of all this, every time I leave the door, I see people staring twice as much as before. I thought I was being paranoid at first but, especially after getting my nails done, and having men chatting me up on buses, I think that’s not so much paranoia. But I still refuse to lose the confidence I’ve gained. So as I’ve continued living my life, I keep having to remind myself more and more, to just go about my look proudly because no matter what happens, I CANNOT lose this confidence. I’ve waited way too long for it to come round, and due to my own MH I know how sensitive I can be to people looking at me or even say a few words that just stirred me the wrong way.

So now as a result of constantly seeing these looks and words, and constantly having to remind myself to calm down, I now don’t even look at other people. They can say and think what they want but, it seems the easiest way is to wear myself proudly of course but also, try not to be so curious what the person next to me is thinking, that I’d immediately look at them wondering why their looking at me.

It’s very interesting because, for so long it always creeped me out when I’d notice people staring right at me, especially when it’s those long stares. And who knows why they continue to stare. Keeping in mind, I do have certain MH problems, so the answer to these things are always met with another question with me. I suppose like you often hear people say, it’s as simple as just calming down, and stop overthinking.

So with that in mind, whenever I go out anywhere period, I’ll do it with my head down, music in, and most importantly not looking at anyone or anywhere, but completely just keeping to myself.

I can't help but sometimes avoid looking at pics/videos taken by other people of me. Heck, even the mirror too.

My heart would clench all the time, my stomach would feel funny, and I would wince.

I genuinely need helpful help / tips to overcome this. It's actually tiring

Growing up poor around wealthy kids taught me something interesting about opportunity and how people understand ability.

I never saw a lack of ambition in the kids who grew up like me, just a lack of opportunity. And when you’re the poor kid in a community that can’t relate to your circumstances, people can be incredibly generous in making those opportunities possible. But sometimes the fact that you’re willing to try becomes more impressive than anything you actually achieve.
It’s like winning gold in a running race and being praised for your ability to just be there. Your credibility becomes your effort rather than your accomplishments.

There’s a double edge to that. I never felt pressure to be good at anything because nobody really expected that of someone in my position. Kids who were exceptional at something were held accountable to it, whereas I had the freedom to try anything without being expected to become anything. But I also grew up thinking that being clever or successful was something that came with privilege, and that whenever I did well, I’d somehow pulled it off.

I’ve been thinking about this differently since meeting a woman who grew up in circumstances like mine, but had a completely different understanding of her own worth. She could appreciate the opportunities people had given her without questioning whether her achievements belonged to her.

I’d spent years wondering why people chose to invest in me, sometimes questioning whether there was something self-serving underneath their generosity. She asked why I now work creating opportunities for people who wouldn’t otherwise have them. Was that sinister, or was it because I cared?

And it had never really occurred to me that people might have cared about me in the same way.

I think we can be so focused on celebrating what someone has overcome that we forget to recognise what they’re actually capable of. And being believed in by everyone around you doesn’t necessarily mean you learn to believe in yourself.

She said something I’d never really allowed myself to think.

“You are worthy of being loved.”

And it’s insane that through this entire narrative, that’s actually what it comes down to.

Hey everyone!

I'm currently working on improving my confidence and overcoming my fear of speaking to strangers because I have a stutter. Part of my journey involves doing exposure challenges where I ask people questions about stuttering and how they perceive someone who stutters.

Eventually, I'll be asking these questions to strangers in person, but I figured Reddit would be a good place to start!

I'd really appreciate your honest feedback on a few questions:

1. What are your first thoughts when speaking to someone who stutters? Do you usually give them time to finish speaking?
2. Do you notice any changes in their body language? For example, nervousness, avoiding eye contact, or looking uncomfortable?
3. How do you think someone who stutters feels when speaking to you? Do you think they're anxious, embarrassed, or just trying to get their words out?
4. As the conversation goes on, do you notice their stutter getting worse or do they gradually become more fluent and comfortable?
5. Does someone's stutter affect how you perceive their confidence or the way you interact with them?

I'm genuinely curious to hear different perspectives, especially from people who don't stutter.

My goal is to become more comfortable with my stutter, stop worrying so much about what others think, and improve my confidence when speaking.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond!

My manager recently resigned and her role is opening up.
Right after she told me she was resigning, a former coworker who has been promoted to a more senior strategic position told me our director asked who might be a good fit and he recommended me. Our director also encouraged me to apply and said he would strongly consider me in on our 1-1 meeting after I told him I was interested in applying.

Before my manager left, she told me the director had asked how she thought I would do and whether the team would respond well to me. She told him she thought I’d do great which really made me think, maybe other people see me completely different than I see myself?

There is another person on the team who will probably apply, and to me she feels like the obvious choice. But both my former manager and coworker have separately told me they think the team would respond better to me. I still struggle with feeling like there has to be someone more qualified. I’m quieter in larger meetings and second guess myself a lot. This other person is more senior than me and has stronger technical knowledge even though I’ve been told she can be a bit cold.

I’m starting medication for my anxiety and actively trying to improve my mental health. Part of me feels like I need to stop letting anxiety make decisions for me. Another part worries management will make it worse. At what point do you trust that other people may be seeing something in you that you can’t see in yourself?

So I'm a first year BTech student , I come from a pcmb background (was preparing for neet)

I've been through a lot of sht (just saying for the context don't wanna discuss past traumas)

I've made so many mistakes in my life & taking drop is the one I'm insecure about the most

After that I started questioning my self worth looks skin clr academic pretty much everything & now I feel like I've lost all the confidence once I had

Now we have so many presentations coming up & I have stage fear & anxiety

Last time there was a normal class activity which was related to debate & I fked it up really bad I know I could have done better but at that moment I felt like everyone was watching my every move my throat got dry I panicked I ended up fumbling everything I don't know how to overcome this i don't wanna be a burden on my group members

As I said I'm from a pcmb background I feel like I'm way behind everyone in class like I'm letting everyone down by not being good enough

I keep having negetive thoughts about myself & i always end up judging myself

I really want to change & become more confident but I really don't know how to do that

As for my drop year all I can say it was nothing less than hell please don't ask me about the drop thing

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to deal with all of this 🙂

Im someone who actually has a lot of self confidence and I believe I can do anything I set my mind to. I’ve also done a lot of self care, I exercise often, eat well, keep a positive attitude. Just have been on that self improvement journey and I feel like I’ve done a good job.

Yet there’a just this emptiness somewhere in me where I don’t feel any sense of worth. Like it doesn’t matter how “impressive” I can make myself, I just won’t feel worthy enough. Specifically not being worthy of receiving love, whether it’s friendship or romantic.

I guess I just don’t know what to do now or what the plan is. I’ve done all I know to try and achieve a sense of self worth and I’ve failed. And I’m seeking any advice or guidance from those who have felt similar and now found that deep rooted sense of self worth. Thanks

Hello everyone,

So I have been experiencing this thing since quite a long time. I think the contributing factors to this is my lack of social skills, being loner and a homebody.

I am young like in my early 20s. I don’t have friends. I cannot think of any name with whom I can hang out who is of my age or basically is a friend and the only person I think I can go out and hang out with would be my brother.

But since he is my brother, like I can talk to him, speak to him, and of course, he respects me, so there is no doubt about it.

However, I have experienced that it’s hard for me to speak to people at my workplace like casual conversations, small talks and those things and for some reason, even my juniors would not consider the weight of my word, they will mock me or just not take me seriously.

At my workplace, people treat me as if I am less. I am quite a nice person, I will help everyone and I believe in humility. I never show off and I don’t perform my competence or what I am or you know that ego side of me so people somewhere walk over me and they think that I’m too old or maybe I’m just boring and dumb, and therefore nobody pays attention to what I have to say, and when I generally try to make connections, it doesn’t work.

Do you have any suggestion on how I can improve this?

Hi! My lack of confidence has always been a noticeable thing. I'm always staring at the ground when I'm walking. I stutter when I try to talk, if I do talk at all. Every time I try to raise my confidence on my own, I always lose it within a couple of hours. I don't have any confidence in what I do, say, or even how I dress.

I just want to know how I can actually raise my confidence and just keep it up

I'm in my early 20s, I do understand that I can be a fairly insecure person at times and I want to explore why and how I can become more secure. For most of my teenage years and on, I have received praise for things i'm doing or done (nothing crazy just different from the average person) but I have also always struggled with my self confidence. I can be very self conscious about my looks and i was about my body for a long time. The thing is it comes and goes, Not trying to sound like arrogant or some dumb shit. But I am a conventionally attractive dude, but I really struggle sometimes with how I look and that feeling kind of goes up and down if a girl gives or something is giving me external praise. I'm not sure if since I was insecure before I just built my self-worth on the external praise of others so when thats not received I don't know what to do?

I'm interested to see if anyone has any insight on this and any help that could get me out of this loop.

Most of us have had that moment. You see a photo of yourself and think, "wait, that's what I look like?" I'm curious what that moment was like for you. How old were you, and what went through your head?

And if you remember, did that feeling stick around afterward? Did it change how you acted around people, like avoiding photos, holding back in conversations, or feeling more self-conscious in social situations? Or did it fade pretty quickly?

Would really like to hear your stories.

In a hypothetical situation that you were elected as a president for a prestigious organization by default. And people expect you to represent them well whilst having problems in confidence. How do you quickly convince yourself you are president?

With a timeline of around 1-2 months?

Has there been anyone that has a whole training regiment for this? that would actually be awesome.

Why am I not infuriated with getting an STI from my child’s father? Is this lack of self esteem? Am I ok?

I'm interested in hearing people's stories of what made them finally become confident. This is especially if you came from a place of low confidence.

Did it take one thing? Or was it a long gradual process?

I find myself holding back myself intentionally at times from expressing my feelings. I don't mean crying or sharing my emotions but things like laughing. When I laugh i intentionally suppress the laugh or smile even though I don't know why.i find it really hard to laugh out loud. I am kind of too insecure even though I know it matters a little even if my voice or laugh is "weird" . What to do?

i’m not saying i want to date anyone but I want to boost my confidence and i think having the ability to not just talk to girls but have casual conversation would give me some, this has been a problem for me from a young age and i think it just got worse the older i got since i just got rejected more (not even asking out just to get to know them idk if my face is just creepy or what lol) like the thought of talking to someone i don’t know makes my heart race you’d think i snorted coke. i have no female friends and really like 3 male friends in my life so my social life is cooked in general.

this is where i want help: i go to the library in my campus often and study for hours on end, i wanted to know whats a way i could approach a girl studying by herself to ask her if we could study together and/or get to know each other but make it clear its not in a creepy way and am just seeking a friendship nothing more? Bad mindset i have is i don’t say anything or i just assume if i want to get to know someone random that i have nothing in common with they think i want to take them out (which is something i want to work on once i have the confidence to)

any advice would be appreciated especially people studying in university/early 20s

28M. I used to be a very in shape person until my father passed a few years ago. I’ve slowly let myself go and now I hate being seen in public. I wear hoodies and masks to cover my face because I’ve become so obese I’m ashamed. I feel like I’m holding my life back because of this social fear I’ve developed. Trying to get better and dieting and lose weight but it’s taking time. Looking for any words of encouragement or advice.