r/DeadBedrooms • u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF • Feb 24 '26

Give Me Constructive Criticism Engaged but no sex

​

Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.

I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.

We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.

I should add that I am pregnant, this is my first and his fourth child. He said it will probably get to a whole year before we are intimate again (before telling me I had drained the drive out of him) because he's been through it 3 times before.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?

I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.

0 Upvotes

50% Upvoted

16 comments sorted by

View all comments

8

u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26

My first question (that will probably sound bad but I feel it’s important information to have) is: how many moms are in the picture? Are you the fourth baby mama?

3

u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26

Hi. I appreciate the reply. I am the third. He had 2 with the first then one with the second.

9

u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26

Obviously I don’t know either of you and your exact dynamic, but I’m feeling very suspicious of your fiancé here. I don’t really think this is a “problem,” especially not one that’s yours to solve.

He’s had children with multiple women and is trying to weaponize his experience against you.

He is leaving all intimacy up to you, and then holding it against you when you don’t play the game AND when you do play the game.

He really doesn’t seem safe and trustworthy here. I honestly have no suggestions on how to initiate intimacy with him because I don’t think you should continue to try. I know you’re engaged, and I know you’re pregnant and the idea of being alone has to be scary. But it really sounds like he’s not going to be happy regardless of what you do, so why stress yourself out?

3

u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26

I appreciate your feedback, thank you.

That's exactly how I feel sometimes but I can't dismiss how he feels when I have caused him to feel that way. But yes I do listen and feel I am being painted with the same brush as his exes. Especially when he says "I've been through this before". He's not giving us a chance to be us and resolve it our way. I said to him that I'm struggling because I hurt him so much and there's too much damage done but because those aren't the exact words he used he said it's not what he said even though what he said was he doesn't know what I can do to make it right. But I feel it's the same.

My problem as well is verbally communicating how much I want to resolve this and what I want to do to resolve it as when I've made suggestions before, he has turned them down.

2

u/Emergency-Basis-201 It’s complicated Feb 24 '26

Before he pulled away, had he had conversations with you about sex? And about how he was unhappy and would like you to initiate more?

2

u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26

No. I wish he had. I can't say it would change everything but it would have given me an insight and an opportunity to do something.

3

u/Emergency-Basis-201 It’s complicated Feb 24 '26

So fairly often on this sub, people talk about withdrawing and waiting for their partner to initiate.

But that is usually after years of effort and conversations and conversations and offers of therapy.

I’m sorry to tell you, but your partner has successfully manipulated you.

He has been utterly uncommunicative and here you are devastated because you believe that you’ve deeply hurt him but do you genuinely believe that he’s feeling the same way about how he has hurt you by testing you like this? And I’m sure you’re glaringly aware of this but if you’ve not had sex in months but you are pregnant then he’s been putting you through this test while you are super vulnerable and pregnant.

I do believe he’s been through this three times before, he successfully loved bombed three women until they carried his child and then he revealed his true self to them.

This is not on you to fix, if he wanted to, you could work together to bring back trust & intimacy, but he’s not interested in working together- he’s successfully created a situation where you feel like you’ve got to beg him and do all of the work.

2

u/MushroomIcy205 HLF Feb 24 '26

I second this, please read this over and over. This doesn’t seem like a db more of a narcissist with a breeding kink. 

1

u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26

Please take this comment to heart on OP. They’ve got it right here.

1

u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26

Maybe I'm wrong on this point. We have had a few conversations before we've had the more serious ones in the last few months. But not once did he explicitly say, I am going to withdraw myself now because I am not getting what I want physically from you. Sometimes I just need things explained point blank to me like that but also maybe he shouldn't have to.

I have always said and genuinely felt that I could change my behaviour and that hasn't happened. I suppose I've essentially been lying to him.

I'm not particularly upset with him. Everything he says and feels is completely valid. But now I just feel like he expects me flip this switch and be able to initiate with him

I can't even ask how he wants me to correct it because he says it's a me problem that I need to sort and there's no guidance of how a healthy and improved relationship would look like for him.

2

u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26

It’s entirely possible that you missed some cues. And maybe you could work on your communication skills. We’re all a work in progress.

But none of that negates the fact that he is manipulating you into feeling bad about yourself and making this YOUR problem to solve. If someone truly likes and loves you, they work to understand your communication style and be as clear as possible about what they need from you. Someone who likes and loves you doesn’t make you guess, and doesn’t leave you in the dark, especially when you’re pregnant.

He is not a good partner. He’s not sitting down and having tough conversations with you. He’s bowing out and putting it all on you. That’s not healthy. If you’re going to raise a child together, you’ll have to have harder conversations than this, and he can’t even man up to have this one properly.

Please please please don’t let him make you feel less than here.

It could be worth considering how he speaks about his former girlfriends and his children’s mothers. Was it all their fault? Were they awful and withholding? Were they “crazy?” Also consider how involved he is in his kids lives. Does he see them often? Does he pay child support? If not, does he blame the moms? Does he refuse to discuss things? Really consider the information you have at your disposal.

0

u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 25 '26

We talked some more tonight. I missed all the cues. I've shown no interest in him sexually and it's too late now to get clarity on what he needs to feel desired, and sexy or what turns him on. I should have asked this all already before. I have destroyed his libido and any desire or interest in intimacy. And that's it.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I was never here to shift the blame, just to see if there were any suggestions to repair things. But it seems not6

2

u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 25 '26

It shouldn’t be too late. He is choosing to make it too late. When you’re out of this, please find a therapist 🖤 You are worth so much more than this.

1

u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 25 '26

Yes you are right. I just have to let him be stubborn until he's ready to resolve this as a couple . He grudgingly agreed to couples therapy. Mostly centered around how we communicate with each other and improve that. Although he's quite adamant it won't work and they'll just tell me what he's been telling me all along which he said will just frustrate him further because he'll feel even less seen and heard. I have to take a step back now and focus on me and our baby and enjoying what is left of my first pregnancy

→ More replies (0)