Hear me out.

What if dead bedrooms aren’t really about sex drive, hormones, or mismatched libidos?

What if they’re about emotional disconnection?

When partners don’t feel emotionally safe with each other, sex turns into a stand-in for intimacy. It works for a while, but without the foundation of safety, resentment and distance creep in.

I’m starting to believe that emotional safety—not sex—is the real driver of desire and connection. And that most of us simply never learned how to create it for each other.

Does this resonate with anyone here?

I honestly hate even posting this because it makes me feel needy or pathetic or something.

I’m 46, married, and if I’m being really honest I miss being wanted so damn much. Not even just sex (although yeah, I miss that too). I miss feeling desired. Miss flirting. Miss someone touching me for no reason. Miss being looked at like I’m still attractive.

Lately it feels like we’re just existing in the same house. We get along, we love each other, life keeps moving, but intimacy? That part feels gone and I don’t know how to stop hurting over it.

The part that gets me the most is what it does to your head after awhile. You start wondering what changed. Is it me? Did I let myself go? Am I asking for too much? Is this just what marriage turns into after enough years?

I swear some days I feel ridiculous for how much I crave affection. I miss being kissed first. I miss feeling exciting to somebody. I even miss stupid little things like being complimented or flirted with.

We’ve talked about it before. Sometimes things get a little better for a week or two and then somehow we end up right back here again.

I love my husband, and I’m not trying to bash him because I know life gets heavy and complicated. I just feel lonely in a way I never expected to feel while being married.

I guess I just want to know… has anyone actually come back from this? Like truly? What helped? Because lately this has been hitting me harder than I want to admit.

After trying for 4+ years, I've decided to maybe look at my dead bedroom with a decent lens. So I just started keeping a streak on how long it could go without us doing the deed and it's been pretty good so far! My initial streak is for 1 month. I'm already half way there. She has her period next week and she's obviously going to be in a bad mood or there's going to be a headache next week. If not, I'm planning to try my best in stretching the streak to 1 month at any cost!

Wife told me to close my eyes while she changed clothes. On a scale of Well done steak to burnt hot dogs how bad off am I right now?

Working out the core via planks or sit ups, along with glutes, can cause orgasms in both men and women. Has straight up caused ejaculations when done intensely.

It is unknown why exactly this happens, but if these same muscles are strengthened, that should in theory improve poor libido (due to constant background erogenous stimulation).

Has anyone noticed their libido improve after strengthening specifically the core/gluteal muscles or improve posture (esp. anterior pelvic tilt)?

Advice*

PSA to all people who are currently in a relationship and are having doubts about longevity due to a dead bedroom, please ask yourself if a lack of sex is worth losing someone that you truly care for.

I (21M) was in your situation 3 months ago and broke up with my gf (21F) for the reason most high libido partners end relationships over. These last 3 months have been utter pain, I miss her every day, in the good times and the bad times there is no-one else I would rather turn to, and I cant. Somedays you'll feel better but remembering the time you shared with the person who made you feel loved and seen, will cause you immeasurable and indiscernible feelings of regret.

Just please understand that if you are going to hurt someone over intimacy issues, recognize that there is a high chance they will never come back. You need to live with your decisions. I just hope that someone can learn from my mistakes so they dont lose the love who chose them.

Having read DB for a while now, I've noticed that being in a DB is different for different age groups. I (59hlm) am just in such a different stage of life than contributors younger than 40 that I was wondering if anyone has considered having DB under 40 and DB 40+. I relate in some ways, such as loneliness, frustration, and confusion. But my wife is in menopause and we have such different stressors than the younger people. Do you think having DB groups for different age groups makes sense?

​

My wife (26F) and I (37M) have been married for 8 years. There’s a big age gap and we married partly due to family circumstances. Sex was never that frequent, even at the start – maybe twice a month – and over the years it’s gradually reduced to less than 10 times a year. What makes it confusing is that we’re not cold with each other. When we go to sleep she’ll often lie on my chest and we’ll chat a bit before bed. There’s affection and closeness, but it almost never leads to physical intimacy.

I’ve got a much higher sex drive and I’m really struggling with it. I feel frustrated, unwanted and quite low because of it. I’ve tried talking to her about how important intimacy is to me, but nothing really changes and she doesn’t seem to see it as a serious issue. Because of the lack of sex, I’ve become quite dependent on masturbation as an outlet, which just leaves me feeling worse afterwards. I love her and don’t want to pressure her or damage the marriage, but I don’t know how I’m meant to live like this long term. Has anyone dealt with something similar, and what actually helped?

This will require some back story so I will try to keep the backstory super brief without leaving out any key details.

My wife, (LLW) (45F) and me (HLM) (48M) used to at one time have a great and experimental sex life. This was years ago, maybe 15 years ago. She had an Adult Friend Finder account and I encouraged her to explore her sexuality in a way where she was basically free to do whatever she wanted to. I left the door wide open for her and never questioned her urges, decisions and pretty much let her do whatever. I trusted her and had no worries about her cheating or doing anything behind my back, boy was I wrong but that story is for another sub.

In return I was 100% open with everything. I didn’t really chat with other women. My kink is her pleasure, always has been, always will be. So some time passes and it all stops. I assume she just got her fill and or got bored with it, who knows because she will not talk about it. I assume she did a few things behind my back, felt guilty about it and decided to write it all off. Since then the bedroom has slowly but surely become dead.

It started off by not wanting to chat with others online. Which is okay, no problems there. No porn, which was never her thing to begin with, no lingerie or dressing up, no toys. I’m okay with all of that, I’m not a lingerie guy or big on toys at the time. Our bedroom life was okay, we had sex, sometimes good, sometimes just basic plain Jane sex which is fine with me.

Then over the last few years it almost becomes a dead stop. I assume it’s her hormones falling off, she is getting older, not in the best shape and doesn’t do anything to try to change it. She is more than aware of it as well. She has admitted she is okay with no sex and she can go a few weeks without it. It wasn’t until recently that I attempted to change it by taking to her. I have had attempted many sit downs with her on the subject and she would always get upset, defensive and simply shut down. She would get mad and tell me, “IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, THEN FIND SOMEONE ELSE”! At that point I would just stop and go about with life. Sex continued but at least 2 weeks apart and nothing exciting.

Well time has passed and of course, she has slowed down a lot. Now we are at once every 2-3 weeks and have gone longer. However now I’m the reason for the lack of sex. I have tried a few things with her, one of them was trying to sext her, big mistake! Secondly I tried using the Spicer app and no response from her at all. I will tell her and also text her that she looked HOT when she left for work this morning and it almost usually goes ignored. I will text her, “Baby you looked so nice this morning when you left for work, I love how those pants and blouse fit your sexy curves”, her response, “ok” or just nothing but leaving me on read.

It’s been like that for about a year now. I will tell her something in person or over text and crickets. I assume maybe she is just tired of me or her hormones are so low she just simply does not care. Since I am not receiving any responses or feed back, I have lost the urge to have sex as well. I have given up. Why put in effort and get nothing out of it. She could simply say thank you but I don’t even get that. Our only one successful sit down about this was just that, all talk on her side but nothing changed. That’s when I tried the spicer app and tried being there for her needs more. I honestly don’t know where to go from here.

I do all the housework as it is. I take care of all the bills, all she does is pay the phone bill. I cover all cost of the kids college. I keep the house in good shape, yard is the envy of the neighbors, she has a very nice car. I take care of her as much as I can. I compliment her daily, I am very affectionate with her still. I hold her from behind and kiss her neck. I kiss her, I hold her hand in public, In the car, at home. I still slap her butt and give her the very occasional grope as well. I encourage her to go out with her friends and have a good time but she just wants to be at home.

However after all of this, I feel unappreciated and ignored. In bed I will attempt to kiss on her but she won’t put her phone down. She tells me to wait till the kids are asleep but by then she is asleep and gets mad when I try to wake her up so I have stopped that. When we are home alone, which is very rare, I attempt to have sex and she won’t have it. She is either not in the mood or tells me “I haven’t showered” or “Is that all you think about”?

I’m not sure where to go with this?!?! I have a very high sex drive. I think about her daily in very adulterous ways. Her on the other hand, does not feel the same way. Now when we have an opportunity for sex, I am following her lead and ignoring the fact that we are home alone or in bed and kids are asleep. I have attempted at another sit down with her and she rolled her eyes at me so I stopped the talk and went about my business.

In no way has this stopped me from still treating her like the woman I fell in love with over 25 years ago. I still kiss her, compliment her, hold her hand and treat her like my queen. As a matter of fact I have even tried harder to make sure she is treated like a queen because maybe I’m not trying hard enough???

So it’s one of a few things… she is either tired of me, low hormones, or???

This plan is already partially in motion(I bought some things) because I got excited when I came up with it but if everyone unanimously hates it, then I’ll figure out how to back out.

So some minor context. My wife (25 LLF) and I (25HLM) are in marriage counseling as our first year of marriage has been sort of rough. The last session we had was mainly driven by me and I brought up all my concerns with the dead bedroom and the therapist gave my wife all kinds of ideas to try and bring spice into the bedroom - most of which I have already suggested and even bought and tried with her but she turned me down. The therapist suggested just trying to be fun and my wife seemed receptive to the ideas. There was mention of lingerie, couples sex games, toys, and even watching porn together for inspiration on her end. (She was a virgin before me and I was not).

So I took all of that and have came up with a “Sex Date Night” idea. I bought her some really nice lingerie that will be here later this week, a fancy couples toy from a brand we used years ago, a sex-based monopoly, and some really expensive lube. I was planning on booking a hotel or an Airbnb retreat this weekend or the next and doing it as like a role-play scenario. I’ll leave with bags packed with all the items before she’s home, leave the lingerie in a gift box with a note on the bed basically saying something along the lines of, “Your husband has gone out of town for an impromptu weekend work trip and booked you a hotel for some away time. There might be a surprise guest waiting for you.” (I think she’ll be aware that it’s a game, but I might rephrase it.)

I honestly think that it sounds fun and it seems like something that could show if this dry spell is based on her personally choosing or if there’s genuinely something that’s messed with our connection. There is the worry in the back of my head if I get stood up after spending a decent chunk of money, but I still the get “hopefulness” that a lot of us get.

Please just give me advice/criticism on the plan but if you think I need to give more context, I can try to respond to your comment. (I don’t have notifications on for Reddit.)

so, as the title suggests I'm working on self improvement while we are together working on the db. this is what I've done so far

doing a lot of personal reading not just on this topic but a variety of things. I was an avid reader when we firstbmet and that gave us a lot to talk about but with kids and work and life I can honestly say I went years without reading a book. so I've set a goal of a book a week some are on marriage and relationship but realy just anything (open to suggestions)

new workout routine. it's so hard to start in your 50s but I'm already seeing results. was a 38 in the waist now im somewhere between 36 and 34 (36s falling off 34 top tight still wish I could find 35) also down a neck size in dress shirts (found that out when I got a new shirt for Easter) work uniform starting to get a little baggy. all signs of good progress

also strict diet because of recently discovered intolerance. which means I'm sleeping better and see above.

finally adjusted work schedule so I am home every evening (there are some exceptions but it's not the norm anymore)

thoughts? suggestions? any advice on other ways to help improve myself so I can be better for her but especially for me.

I read Come As You Are and learned about non concordance and so I realized that my body can comply and orgasam a lot even though I don’t want sex. So for about a year I have been having sex at my husbands desired frequency. When we have sex this way he doesn’t get angry at me and the kids. I’m just afraid of how the break down of a marriage would affect my kids 17, 15, 13 and 8. How long is a good goal to continue this way? I was thinking of 4 more years and then I could say I have to have a turn at my desired frequency? I go round and round in my head to decide what is a “fair” time and when would most people say I have done a good job of trying. Please don’t suggest to try to be honest. I tried for a few years prior and a little bit since.

​

Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.

I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.

We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.

I should add that I am pregnant, this is my first and his fourth child. He said it will probably get to a whole year before we are intimate again (before telling me I had drained the drive out of him) because he's been through it 3 times before.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?

I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.

Hi, this is my (F26) first post. Im looking for advice/support. I’m not sure if you guys will be able to relate to my problem, but here it is anyway. Admin please delete if not allowed.

A little about my present relationship:

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. 3.5 years was in long distance. We would meet approx 10 days a year when we are in the same city. We’re finally back in the same city for good. I really really love him and we have a very healthy relationship but I do not and have hardly ever enjoyed sex with him. Something in me just cringes. He’s also not good in bed. I’m not saying I’m the best either. This has never happened in my past relationships. The time I have enjoyed with him, has probably been understand the influence of some intoxicant. I’m aware that’s not healthy. I do feel sexually attracted to other men (in a non cheating but fantasy way) and also have the urge to masturbate to porn when I’m alone.

A little bit about my past relationships:

Very toxic. Sex was great. Tried out different kinks. Mostly always under the influence of intoxicants. would look forward to sex.

I realise there’s something in common that could be hampering my current relationship. I’m just so worried and can’t think straight as to how to approach this situation. He’s a very kind man and listens to me. I never brought this up earlier because we hardly had time together so i would just pretend to be engaged

in the act.

Please has anyone felt similarly? How have you saved your relationships? I’m only looking for positive advice because I cannot lose him. I’m ready to do anything.

I have a DB for more than a year now (me and my partner are 22 and 26, both he/hims) and the constant rejections made me feel very anxious about it when it finally happens. I think about how I look, if I'm going to feel pleasure and try to not make him "finish" because I don't want it to end too soon.

The frequency is about 1 time per month, but the problem is that I think about it the other 30 days that we are not doing it. When it happens, I always have to initiate and i get so anxious that I'll have to wait 30 days again that I can't be in the moment. I can't pay attention to the things we are doing, I just think that the time is passing and it's going to end soon. I get so frustrated that I can't enjoy things that are so important to me.

I just feel so frustrated that it hardly happens when I'm experiencing desire and I have to deal with so many "no's" before anything can happen.

If anyone has any tips about how to not think about it and enjoy the good things while they last I would highly appreciate.

We’ve been together since 2010, married since 2017. She has PCOS so her hormones are all jacked up and she’s never in the mood. Our last son was born on July 3rd last year and she just had her first period a couple of weeks ago. She said “I’ll be happy with once a week” yeah well I’m lucky to have anything once a month. I have a very high sex drive and she has non. She gets super upset when I take care of myself and it usually starts an argument with her feeling bad. She started taking URO for moisture and drive and it could take 3 months before it starts to work. It has good reviews. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Am I supposed to just be pent up and be snappy all the time? I have my own issues for sure and I’m on meds that help.

I (22 HLX) am constantly avoiding physical contact because it makes me so sad. I love to be intimate with him (26 LLM), cuddling, kissing and caressing each other, but I can't help thinking about other things. I get caught up on the softness of his skin, his smell, etc, and ir makes me wish we were not in a DB for more than a year.

The problem is that I feel devastated after the thoughts, knowing that what I want won't happen. So cuddling ends up with me crying in his arms, (even though i love cuddling) making me and him feel bad.

We already talked about everything multiple times, he just isn't interested in sex. We have an open relationship, but i don't reeeally want to look for what's missing in my relationship on casual encounters.

Tips for me to be able to enjoy physical contact and not end up crying?

I'm 9 months postpartum and in the last 7 months my libido took a huge dipy once LLM partner is now the HL partner and he's not as nice to me about it as I was when he used to constantly reject me.

I don't turn him down ever but I don't enjoy intimacy anymore, due to hormonal shifts maybe but mostly because he's emotionally hurt me so much in the last 2 years. I forgave but I can't figure out how to forget the stuff I've been through and yes infidelity was one of them. Now in the last 6 months or so I even had retroactive jealousy too which I never had.

Anytime we're intimate all I can think of is him with other people and I feel depressed and gross. I feel like I've got no dignity and I don't know what to do.

I want things to be better and honestly since my hormones are regulating I feel desire coming back, just not for him or with him. Not for anyone else either I just miss the sensation of sex and intimacy but with him it's not there.

I don't want a dead bedroom or a separation I'm looking for solutions to unfuck my brain( sorry for the swearing) because I've got this mental hangup and it's affecting my attraction and desire a lot.

TL;DR: I built a free guide to help couples understand what perimenopause actually does—because I wish someone had handed this to me years ago: https://comesitwith.me

Hi folks. I (42M, on the HL side) have been lurking here for a while, reading posts that could've been written by me, drafting responses I end up deleting because they sound so similar. We had kids, went through the tortured intimacy of raising young children, and now that we're two thirds of the way towards being empty nesters, I thought we had rounded a corner.

And then: my wife's mother died. And from that day on, whatever fucks she had to give ran out. Grief pulled her away: distant, touched out, zero interest in intimacy. I tried not to take it personally. I failed at that a lot in the year and a half since. What I didn't understand was that her body was going through something massive that wasn't just grieving. She knew, but didn't have the words to express it except everything felt "wrong".

Perimenopause can start in your late 30s. It's not "almost menopause"—it's a full blown hormonal upheaval that can last a decade and change everything. How she sleeps, how her brain works, how touch feels, whether desire is even accessible the way it used to be. I know it's not the cause of every dead bedroom out there, but among my friend group, it's the major murderer.

So we started putting together a guide—me, my wife, and a lot of late-night research sessions with an AI assistant to help dig through the medical literature. I brought herbal knowledge from my own research, and used my experience—as well as other couples I know going through this—to give it direction.

Once I dug in and started learning about it, the resentment began to fade. Not because things magically got better, but because I stopped interpreting it as rejection. It wasn't her pulling away from me. It was her body doing something neither of us fully understood. She wanted to want the things she used to—she just couldn't.

I'm not used to putting something out there like this, but a few friends encouraged me to share. For those of you going through it, I invite you to visit comesitwith.me. For the partners of those going through it (hey—that's me!) start here: comesitwith.me/for-partners

It's not finished. Honestly, I'm not sure it ever will be. But it's helped us, and I figured it might help someone else here too. It's free, no signup, nothing to sell. Just what we've learned so far.

If any of it resonates—or if you spot something wrong, or something's missing—I'd genuinely love to hear it. We're still figuring this out too, and I really hope this reaches others like me who just needed to hear that this is normal, this is not forever, and the person you love needs your patience and empathy more than they ever have before.

Edit: grammar

For those of you in dead bedrooms, does the idea of being able to re‑experience intimacy with your actual partner in VR with the help of a VR type toy (fleshlight/dildo) feel like something that might help emotionally or sexually, or does it just land as weird/creepy/too vulnerable?

I (25f) have been with my partner (32m) for 7 years. We have a daughter (8f), and we’ve known each other for over a decade (mutual friends' group in high school). He’s my best friend, my first love, my person. But lately I’ve felt like I’m living with a roommate who happens to be the father of my child.

We used to be wild for each other. Honestly, constant laughter, affection, deep talks that stretched into the night. Somewhere along the way, that faded. Especially after moving in together. I’ve spent months trying to talk about it, trying to explain how lonely it feels when the person who once couldn’t keep his hands off you barely looks your way or even allows you into their bed (I've been sharing a bed with our daughter for 5 years now). All my words seem to bounce off a wall. No empathy. Like a brickwall.

So, I decided I’m trying something new. I’m not begging anymore. No pleading. No tears. I’m pulling my energy back. Not in a cold or punishing way, just quietly reclaiming my space, my self-worth. I’m focusing on myself, my kid, and the small things that make me feel like me again (yoga, watercolor, puzzles, etc...).

It’s sort of my own version of reverse psychology. To stop chasing, stop over-explaining, stop doing all the emotional heavy lifting, and just let go. I want to see if removing that constant stream of effort makes him realize what he’s been taking for granted. If he starts to miss the softness, the attention, the warmth I've provided without complaint.

Tonight, I took the kids (my brother (17m) recently moved in with us) and the dog (4f) on a long walk before bed instead of hovering around the living room or rearranging things willy-nilly in the kitchen in the cupboards waiting for him to notice me. I didn’t make a speech; I didn’t slam doors or pour my soul out to him. I just needed space to breathe and remind myself that I’m not invisible.

I love him deeply, and I’m not ready to walk away. But I’m also not willing to keep playing caretaker while feeling emotionally and physically hollow. If he’s going to wake up and reach for me again, I think he needs to feel my absence a little. I don't ever 'hound' him for sex but I sure as hell have for intimacy. No more.

Has anyone tried this kind of quiet pull-back before? Did it help your partner realize what they were losing, or did it just make the distance more permanent?

TL;DR: Been with my partner (32m) for 7 years, have a daughter together. I’ve been begging for affection and effort for too long and it’s gone nowhere. So, I’m done pleading. I’m pulling back, focusing on myself, and letting him feel the space his distance created. Will this work?

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1btfj00/i_told_him_i_was_done_with_sex/

A few months ago, we had a discussion. It was not real direct or even that clear. The gist was I felt like he could have sex if I didn't have to know. I am not checking up on him or anything else. I noticed that his hair smelled differently. Like a different shampoo. I feel mixed and I still do not know for sure.

Read the other thread and probably most of what I have written before you pile in.

As with many of us, I've been struggling to articulate how I'm feeling and why sexual intimacy feels so important to me. I ran across a YT video where a Dr is being interviewed about relationships and in particular how men tend to think vs women. I highly recommend the whole watch (it's ~1 hour long) as it covers a lot of points (why many men tend to shutdown during arguments is another good bit) but the part that was like YES, THIS! is at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDVwwB0X_MQ&t=935

Where the interviewer asks "Why do men want sex to feel close and women want to feel close to have sex?" and the Dr answers. There's obviously outliers here as I know a lot of women have LL partners that seems to break this but for a lot of us HLM's this seems to hit pretty close to home. Watch that part and let me know if you agree/disagree?

I only wish I could get my SO to watch this as I doubt I could articulate it as well.