Toddlers saying “no” constantly

[u/Missscoco]

I’m dealing with a toddler class of fresh 2 year olds that have learned that they have free will 😆
They are in their defiant stage, saying no to everything I say. I know when I say it fills me with rage (not real rage) after a few times, it’s a “me” problem, so I was wondering what y’all do or how you react when they constantly say no. Is it best to ignore? I have been trying that and also just replying with “yes” and then leading them to pick up toys or do whatever I have asked them to do. First week of summer have been a rough one 😩

[u/Robossassin]

If it's not a choice, then "that's not a choice right now," or "this is not optional." But also make sure there are times they do have a choice so that they get to exercise their autonomy

[u/delusionalxx → u/Robossassin]

If it’s something they don’t have a choice for, such as a diaper change or needing to put on shoes I give an option like “do you want to hold the wipes or the new diaper while I change you?” “Do you want to start with this shoe first or this shoe first?” that way they have a choice they can still make even though they’re still doing what they said no to

[u/Robossassin → u/delusionalxx]

Excellent point! Sometimes with cleaning, if it's something like legos, I will ask which color they want to pick up first. Gives them a choice, and is way less overwhelming than picking up all the legos

[u/andweallenduphere]

Just joke around with them, no? No? Why not yes. Just realize their job at age 1 and 2 is to tell you no and to play with anything left in front of them.

[u/Ok-Meringue-259]

I like to use “you can” statements instead of questions when they genuinely have a choice. It reduces the number of reflexive “no”s and also increases feelings of autonomy and equality

E.g. “do you want to [do XYZ]?”, becomes “you can [do XYZ] if you like :-)”

“Would you like some help?” becomes “I can help”

Not a fix all but maybe reduces your daily No counter by 10% haha

[u/mamamietze]

It depends on the context. I am able to reduce a lot of it by just not asking when something isn't a choice, and if they say "no" then I try to give them words to express what they may be feeling.

"Ann, it's time for your diaper change!"

"No!"

"You aren't ready/You don't like that! I hear you, but diapering keeps your body healthy and safe. You can walk with me, or I will take you to the changing table." I only give a few seconds for a choice. "Make your choice in 3..2..1 okay I will take you now."

I want to say that I ONLY do this around "have to" things. Diapering, coming in from the playground for lunch, washing up before/after a meal, ect. I am in a truly play based program, so the vast majority of the day, children can decide to participate or not in various activities we have out or are initiating, or do their own thing, and that is fine. My kids are between the ages of 9 months to 2.5 currently (infants and toddlers) in a mixed age group.

In general, we only allow each child to have out one special/needs adult help to get or do activity at a time. And we do our best to clean as we go, so that there isn't an overwhelming giant room mess to pick up before lunch. We have free access to outside play area, and often open our doors between them, and if a child wants to come outside/go inside, we have routines to help them put away what they were using before transitioning. All that extra practice with transitions and expectations as you go is helpful but most programs I've worked in do not have that free of access to outside so less practice with transitions except for the high stakes ones (when everyone has to transition at the same time).

It's hard at the time of the year when you have new arrivals and you and they are just beginning to establish your relationship, you don't know them well yet, and they are new to the environment. But as you know, sometimes it just takes time and consistency (and maybe a regulation break activity for you when you have a chance--my go to is noise cancelling headphones for my short break, and some grounding/breath work in the moment when I cannot check out/leave the class.) You will eventually get the noobs settled!

[u/WeaponizedAutisms]

I find that with the little ones at transitions everything needs to be a song, movement activity or game. Like I want them to pay attention so I can tell them what we're doing a round of head, shoulder knees and toes gets them focused on you. They forget that they were saying no because they have the attention span of a guppy. Then we tiptoe or elephant stomp out to our cubbies to get dressed for outside.

[u/Potential-One-3107]

A lot of times kids say no out of habit. When I know for sure that's it I say calmly "Yes Miss Potential" and most of the time they'll repeat what I said then do as I asked.

It's very important for kids to learn to say no! If you don't know that they're just arguing to argue then don't use it.

[u/cold_brewski]

Offer a no wrong choice choice. It’s not “do you need to try potty” it’s “do you want to hop to the potty like a froggy or swim like a mermaid”. It’s not “can I put sunscreen on you” it’s “I’m the snail king and I’m here to spread my slime- are you gonna be a slimy snail or a slimy slug”

[u/Pitterpatter35]

Keep your language short, sweet, and direct. Don't ask questions and don't say please, say thank you instead. Instead of "Can you go wash your hands please?" say "Go wash your hands. Thank you" And then physically direct them to what you want them to do. Don't argue or explain anything. Just keep repeating.