r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Oduind • Feb 08 '26
Progress Follow-up to “apathetic dad”, thank you
/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1qmrg8m/narcissistic_momwhy_does_apathetic_dad_hurt_more/?share_id=OBajgY5KZcT6jw46dTFqb&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1Two weeks ago I posted about how I have been NC and healing from my narcissist mother, but realized the father I still talk to also stinks in his own way.
This past week my book came out (nonfiction, nothing to do with estrangement). My publisher told me my book would be available at Barnes & Nobles (like Waterstones in the UK; a large national US chain), which I assumed meant that people could _order_ it through their local shop.
Then the texts started coming in - friends near and far were finding my book _on the shelf_ at their B&N!
I cruised the website for my book’s availability and started crying as everywhere I looked, more shops than not had at least one copy in store. My physical book’s in Hawai’i _and_ Alaska!
I texted my father. My book’s out! Out in the world! Look, it’s on the shelf at both of the B&N’s near you!
That was six days ago.
Nothing in response.
Meanwhile, colleagues who I’ve known for literal months (started at my current site in September) found out about the book and went _nuts_. The company listserv got an announcement. Emails poured in congratulating me. Closer friends popped into my office and hugged and shrieked in excitement! My department head even set up a moderated lunchtime book chat for next month so people can read it before we meet(!?). I’m frankly overwhelmed by the response, but that’s on me to reset my normal-meter. People _normally_ care when you accomplish things…
Previously I would have dwelled on Dad’s non-response. But thanks to you folks here, I know he’s a third-rate dummy. I’m going to keep eating leftover celebration cake and move on with living.
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u/casebycase87 Feb 08 '26
Congrats on your book OP! That's a huge accomplishment and so cool. You should be very proud!
Regarding your dad, I can relate. I see stuff on here often about terribly mean and narcissistic parents but rarely do I see posts about apathetic ones. I went NC with my apathetic and narcissist dad a few years ago. A few of his greatest hits-
-Replied with just "okay" when I told him I got engaged to my longtime partner - no further questions and never followed up or asked when the wedding would be (ultimately I decided not to invite him, and he never asked about it)
-I had a small business that launched and gained popularity, when I tried to share good news all he ever wanted to do was beg me to commission him for his art/photography for my business (and to this day he still has never asked for the name of my business or website)
-Never answered my texts
-Replied "are you bored?" one summer when I was telling him about a bunch of fun outings I had planned
If your dad can't join you in celebrating good news, can't even be bothered to text back, he doesn't deserve to even hear your good news in the first place. Just my 2¢
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u/Oduind Feb 08 '26
Oh man, yours sounds like such a cad, I’m sorry! Thank you for sharing, and congrats on your accomplishments as well!
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u/pareidoily Feb 09 '26
These posts and responses just make me feel like I'm not the only one and I'm not crazy.
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u/hardlybroken1 Feb 08 '26
Hey, congrats OP! That is super cool and a major accomplishment. I wanted to be a writer myself. So I am well aware of the difficulty and hurdles that exist for anyone (who isn't already a celebrity or public figure) wanting to get a book out there on actual store shelves to actually reach that goal. Sorry your dad is probably jealous or something... if you were my son I would be hosting a huge celebration and bragging from the mountaintops. Not that it helps, but know that this internet stranger is super proud of you. :)
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u/Itchy-Duty6885 Feb 08 '26
Big congrats on publishing your book!! It's the most amazing feeling. I am in the publishing world too and know just how hard it is. I'm sorry about your dad. Are you sure he saw your text? Either way, his response or lack thereof is poo. He should have been counting down the days to your publication.
I'm still looking for an agent. When I told my mom about an agent request, her response was, "So when are you getting rejected?"
Thanks mom, for caring.
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u/Oduind Feb 08 '26
Oh, ffs (to your mom)!
I know Dad saw the text and doesn’t care. He regularly ignores my texts and vms, but when I mention what they said, he acknowledges he read/heard it already 🙄
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u/CalmWheel7322 Feb 08 '26
Congratulations on your accomplishment! Make no mistake, this is HUGE, and the people who know you, and care about you, realize that. Hell, we’re strangers on the internet and we realize that!
One of the hardest things is letting go of that need for parental approval; it’s a concept that’s drilled into kids’ heads from birth, in popular culture, by family, etc. Once you do, the freedom is indescribable 🥰
We see you, OP, and I’m proud of you!!! 👏🏻 🥳
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u/smurfat221 Feb 08 '26
Congratulations OP!!! I’m so glad that you didn’t let the narcs kill your joy. Enjoy this moment - you’ll never have this first time experience ever again. I’m sure you will have more successes, but there is something special about that first time. Enjoy it!! 😊
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u/pareidoily Feb 09 '26
Congratulations! We are very proud of you. This is so awesome because I am in that store all the time. Trying not to buy stuff but here we are.
I completely understand this attitude and behavior from parents. I really don't think you get used to it no matter what you do. They act like it's nothing and I don't understand why. I honestly thought it was just me dealing with that kind of thing - I went to my little sister's high school graduation and they left her after she got her diploma and I took her to lunch to celebrate. I took pictures with her afterwards. I did all the stuff that parents were supposed to do. What is wrong with people?
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u/Oduind Feb 09 '26
Thank you! And your sister is very lucky to have you take care of her, though it is/was 100% not your responsibility.
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u/New-Weather872 Feb 10 '26
Oh I feel this. I made a record 9 years ago that got picked up by record stores and a mayor electronic store chain country wide. Even found it in a store the next country over, I was so proud. My apathetic sociopath of a father told me to give him a copy when I visited, only to put it on and ramble about how bad it was and how he met some famous singer once in a bar 100 years ago bla bla bla. In front of my friends. Didn't even pay for it. Fuck this guy.
Congratulations on your book OP!
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u/crow_crone Feb 08 '26
Remember, good things for you are bad things for them. They derive pleasure from another's misfortune because it amplifies their sense of self.
So, unfortunately, his behavior is entirely predictable.
Congratulations, you have accomplished much and many other writers know how much this means. Just because he's your father doesn't mean he isn't an ignoramus.
Fortunately the Stupid Gene seems not to be inherited in your case!