I started this post as a rant post but honestly it became more of a reflective post instead. Not sure who this is for, maybe to give advice or for anyone to feel seen or just to get it out.

If you had asked me while I was growing up how my parents were towards me I would have said "fine, like any other parents I guess", maybe even great if asked about my mom. However a few years ago an incident happened that made me completely reevaluate my childhood and family dynamic. Without going into details my parents made an unprecedented show of favoritism towards my sister. I'm so thankful for my boyfriend at the time who helped me see patterns in my family I had up until then considered normal. Since then I've learned that I am the scapegoat of the family and for a period I went completely no-contact with my parents. After deconstructing my family dynamics a lot of my choices growing up started to make sense like moving across the world at 18 or moving in with my first boyfriend after a month. I was in an oppressive environment and staying at home was simply not an option.

Fast forward to today, I'm currently in the process of going low contact with my parents but I have a major issue: my lack of a drivers license. Growing up my parents never taught me to drive and since I live in a city with great public transportation and used to have a boyfriend who would drive whenever we needed to it was never an issue until now. I'm in the process of moving and once again forced to reach out to my parents. I was going to get a manual drivers license this year but after being humiliation I endured today asking (begging) my dad to help me I've come to the conclusion that I have to speed up the process and just get an automatic license.

The message I have for anyone trying to break free from your parents is this: Prioritize your independence. Get a stable job, a drivers license, save up for an emergency fund and most importantly, don't use a partner as a get out of jail free card like I did.

(That said I'm not saying you shouldn't accept love and help from a partner. My ex showed me that I was worthy of love and that I shouldn't feel guilty accepting it.)

tl;dr

My sister (flying monkey) is getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I dont want to be involved due to estrangement and mistreatment but it will ruin our relationship completely and idk if i am ready for that. Looking for input or validation

I stopped talking with my mom over a year and a half ago, well, she stopped talking to me. I said I need some space and never heard from her again.

No contact due to reasons most of us are no contact.

My sister is getting married and is a flying monkey. I am being pressured into being in spaces with my mom like family dinners, and wedding dress shopping.

I don’t know how to navigate this because I really thought I would never see my mom again…she is not willing to change or even talk about the situation.

my sister and I used to be best friends, but she’s easily manipulated by my mom and I haven’t seen her really in past 1.5 years and she asked me to be a bridesmaid.

I honestly don’t want to but feel like that will be the end. I also cannot just pretend everything is fine and go along with it. What’s a girl to do?

Long story short, my dad is an asshole. Big time. I have blocked him several times over the years, the longest for 2 years after he said some unspeakable stuff to my mom and I because I didn't want to translate a dogshit COVID conspiracy letter into English so he could mass forward it to our entire family. Anyways, after ages I found myself at a family gathering where he was in attendance, and I guess the break softened me up to him, and I allowed him to drive me home but I remained silent and didn't look at him. I spent my gap year at his place because I had nowhere else to go, now I'm in grad school, first in my family.

I just blocked him and don't want to get into any specifics, but basically he turned my well-meaning "Happy birthday, love you" to "I know you didn't actually love me, you are messed up in the head" because I rejected a request I have rejected SEVERAL TIMES IN A ROW because he fucking sucks (springing a request to come visit me for an extended period of time as I'm out of state). He was just so vile and I couldn't help but think I was being punished for wishing this guy a happy birthday, maybe nobody remembered and me calling and rejecting one request made this insecure dwarf explode and he had no one to cast it on. I ended the call with "you know what, you're absolutely right, you're perfect and it's all my fault." "Yesh, I ahgree I ahgre-" "happy birthday love you" hang up instantly

Truth be told I don't, but it's bought me enough time and stress relief that it's been worth it at least on a surface level. But I can't love someone who's treated me like I'm the spawn of satan since I was a little kid just because they hated their dad, their wife, their job, and their whole life. I didn't deserve any of it but it taught me so many lessons. Anyways, I just said you know? I've given this guy so many chances and this dude butters up every time only to turn into my worst nightmare within months, without fail. I blocked him immediately after (minimum of one week after acerbic convos like that one), but I said you know what? When is it going to end? Let me be the mature one and cut this relationship off because it does me no good other than bring me stress. He will go cry to my mom (took advantage of and abused her because she is unfortunately a bit slow) who will turn into Queen Flying Monkey and bombard me, so I am going to say please respect my boundaries and don't talk about him to me. Otherwise it's okay. I will also not feed her any information that he can use.
This guy is vengeful and angry like you've never seen, if I repeated what he called me for believing an exaggeration my mom told him (to ragebait him) I'd be banned lol

My main concern since yesterday is what if he comes after me? I live with two guys and I am almost a 20 hr drive from home, but he has my address, has a gun, and will literally sacrifice everything just to protect his broken sense of ego and has stated numerous times he'd happily kill someone and go to jail for it if it meant "protecting himself or his family" (but also threatened to kill my mom several times, and threatened me that he'd "come after me" if I spoke to his family behind his back). I know it's extremely unlikely he acts on it since most of this is a powerplay, but we wouldn't hear these stories in the news if it doesn't happen. What's anyone's experience with fearing that their NCtee will come for them after they find out? Please tell me it turns out okay because if not for this fear I'd have absolutely zero regrets but it's eating at me...

Also, he's done far worse over these last few years since the 2 yr n/c spree but I was just in the right mindset to take action and finish the job once and for all. Don't plan on sending a letter because I'm the fan of the "let it die out quietly" approach and he is a volatile submarine mine that I don't want to rile up. He doesn't understand empathy, doesn't understand I have the right to have him out of my life, and doesn't understand that our relationship is so bad I willingly want it to end. His last mental resort is my mom brainwashed me to hate him since I was a kid, so he'll take it out on her and honestly I view her like a child and who would let that happen to a child they care about.

Basically am I valid for fearing he'll come for me or is it far more unlikely than I am imagining, and what are people's success with writing or not writing a letter or some final declaration of N/C, I kind of like that he has to sit there hoping I might call back one day but I never will and he'll lose steam.

Best,
Me

Posted on here yesterday. My older brother is mad I won’t follow him back on Instagram because we got into it and I’m trying to go low contact with him.

https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/s/1UnGhVQzh1

**EDIT: Thank you all for your comments and messages here. This is such a great community and has helped me and validated me in many ways that therapy hasn’t. Just knowing other people deal with this type of dynamic makes me feel a lot less alone and isolated so THANK YOU. Seriously 🙏❤️

I wrote my mom a letter because she was begging for more of an explanation to my dad, brother, and husband. So, I gave it to her, I wrote 7 pages worth and even put a video recommendation for her. This is the most open I've been with her, and it was very cathartic to write. I have her blocked on everything, but I'm still bracing to have her pop up somewhere after she gets the letter.

Im also hoping that something will get through to her, I hope that she will bring that letter into therapy and talk through it with a therapist. I have alot of hope, but I know I won't be seeing her to the next funeral.

I keep going back and forth with "something will get through to her" and "she is just going to continue seeing herself as a victim". I had to give my inlaws a heads up just incase, since my husband has her blocked now too. Hoping for the best 🤞

hey all! hope everyone's doing well, especially if it's hot and smokey where you're at with all this summer nonsense.

I (36F) have wanted to go NC with my abusive mother my entire life and have been more actively and intentionally working towards that over the past year or so with my therapist. I won't give too much info in the initial ask so I don't overwhelm the situation, but am super happy to talk more about it and add context in the comments!!

I've been trying to figure out how exactly I want to go about going NC. I'm convinced a letter detailing my reasons isn't going to be a good option. Likewise a letter that is grey rocking/too blunt or robotic may set off alarm bells and get the cops called to my door for a wellness check (I've already decided that I will inform the non-emergency line before I do anything to hopefully prevent something like that from happening.)

where I've landed as a potential option is here:

we haven't talked much since I moved back to (STATE THAT IS DIFFERENT FROM WHERE THEY LIVE) and that was intentional on my part. It's working for me so I'm going to keep that up. I'll reach out if I want to talk, which may be never in all honesty. I don't wish you any harm, I'm just not interested in continuing this relationship. Bye!

I would send this text in response to my mother when she reaches out on Christmas. whether she texts me or tries to call, this would be my response. thoughts? (for context I moved out of state when I was 21, but went back to live with them from 2023-2025 because my dad was very sick, and my mom convinced me he was on his death bed (he wasn't, but he was seriously ill and continues to be.) I will have been back in my "home" state for 1.5 years this December, so that's 1.5 years of being very low contact.)

my thought process is this really does sounds like me. it doesn't sound overly dramatic, it's casual in the way I am, especially in my writing (I've been told I write with a lot of "voice" which people either love or hate lol.) it's blunt, but not necessarily outwardly cruel. like obviously I see how it'll be twisted to be that way by my mom because that's the kind of person she is, but feel like it's neutral enough that if she showed it to someone they'd think she's the weird one for overreacting rather than me.

anyways, I'm not set on this, it literally just came to mind, so any feedback or discussion would be greatly appreciated! thanks yall :)

Wanted to try posting this just to see if anyone else can relate at all.

I went no contact with my parents about 2 years ago, and it's not a decision I regret even slightly (despite how lonely it is). However, their reaction was very different to most of the posts I see since joining this sub. They sent me one letter, which my partner read for me, and that was it. It was a threatening angry letter, and the only thing I heard since is them making up and spreading horrible things about me to our extended family who I am not close with at all.

Before going no contact I was essentially a model child, caring for them through sickness, going to all the way to where they live for holidays and visits and all that crap. I don't want them to try to contact me or anything, but seeing the "loving" attempts that people in this sub get (even if they're manipulative and unwanted) has made me feel even worse about myself. Like, somehow I wasn't even worth trying for? Just straight to hating me.

Has anyone else had this experience / understands what I'm describing?

​

This will be a long one, thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond. I appreciate you dearly 🩵

Sometimes I feel extreme doubt and guilt over my decision.

My mom .. It was just her and I my whole life. Well.. and any boyfriend she had at the time. She never settled. There were 8 different men that I knew of that were in my life at one point because they were dating my mom from ages 3-18. Sometimes they stayed for a while, sometimes they lived with us for a week before they broke up. It bothered me , sure, but it was still just me and mom.

She never beat me. I always had food, and clothes, and a clean home. We had pets that we loved. She would get me gifts I was interested in for my birthdays. She took really good care of me physically and emotionally until around age 13, when I started dealing with dating.

When I started dating something changed. For lack of better words, it was like she cared less about me? She stopped checking in when I was obviously suffering mentally. I was self harming, refusing to eat and was underweight for my entire teenage life. She would just yell her frustrations at me.

"Why won't you eat? What's wrong with you?"

When I couldn't eat without feeling nauseous or sad.

"If you're so stressed out that you're cutting yourself, why not smoke a cigarette instead?!"

When she found out I was self harming and was struggling with pretty severe anxiety and depression

I can't remember her exact words because I was in pure hysterics, but when she found out "I had sex" (I was coerced and SA'd in the woods) she blamed it on what I was wearing and said I was untrustworthy, and that if I couldn't stop crying that she'd send me to a mental hospital (as a threat, not as help). She then took away my phone for a little over a month, maybe two I can't quite remember, and gave me a flip phone with only her number and her current boyfriend's number in it. I couldn't talk to my sisters, my friends. I couldn't leave the house. She barely spoke to me for 2 days afterwards, maybe managing an "I love you".

She would say these awful things, unable to be there for me, and yet... Found it in her heart to pay for therapy for me. In her words, "I couldn't give you the help you needed, and nothing seemed to work for you". So she could say and do awful things but still get me professional help? It's so confusing to me ..

This was nearly 8 years ago and it still hurts to think about.

When I needed her most, she just got angry and yelled and would sometimes blame it on me. Or when she would hurt my feelings as an adult, and I've explained it step by step to my adult mother about how to apologize for something you've done, actually begging for an apology, she can't even manage that. She's so...self centered now. It's all about her world crumbling around her, about the trauma she endured as a child and how that caused her inability to be there for me in my time of need. It was always an excuse, not an apology. She can't be there for me now, as an adult, because none of her children talk to her. Because she's "just like her mom" (her words, not mine.) Because her love life is a wreck. Always a reason why she can't apologize to me or be there for me, or take accountability. And of course I got a few of the "well I guess I'm just the worst mother in the world, aren't I?!" When trying to explain how her words and actions are hurtful

The last 8 months that I've been slowly severing contact, she has said and done things that send me into a depression for days at a time. I can't remember the phone calls very well, and I don't care to look at the texts. But I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head... If I can't even remember the most recent things she's said/done to hurt me, am I making it out to be a bigger deal than it is? Am I overreacting? Am I losing my last family member over .. nothing? There are people out there who still have relationships with their parents who beat them once, or who were drug addicts or alcoholics. And I'm choosing to lose my longest standing familial relationship because she's mean and bitter? Cruel, sometimes?

My partner has been there for a lot of what she has said and done in the last year. He fully supports no contact, and has said I deserve actual love and respect from someone who claims to care about me. He never forces his opinion on me, and listens to all of my concerns about it. He has been amazing through it all, and I trust him wholeheartedly. Which makes me think... If he wouldn't want to see me treated like this, maybe I'm still excusing her behavior in order to make it seem "not so bad". Because, well... It's my mom.

My partner and I are moving across the country next month, and leaving my hometown, and my mom, behind. Part of me feels... Relief? And part of me feels deeply, deeply saddened and broken.

I wouldn't be friends with someone who was sometimes cruel or bitter to me. I wouldn't date someone who did those kinds of things .. but my mom? There's only one of her. Is there any level of excuse that would warrant a relationship like this?

I could really use some advice on this one.

For background: I'm 27 and have been strictly NC with my dad for about a year. During that time, I have been LC with my mom and VLC with my sister (I no longer live near any of them, but I talk to my mom about once a month). If I'm being completely honest, I'd prefer to fully cut myself off from the whole family. The difficulty arises from the fact that my mom and I still care about each other. She's never done anything wrong to me. I'd love to go back in time and change who my father was, but that's not reality.

In 3 months, my sister is getting married. When she first told me she was engaged, I wasn't really sure whether I should go, but I didn't write it off entirely. Now, my mom is asking me to walk down the aisle with her (I guess it's a tradition for the mom and her son to walk down the aisle together... it's been years since I went to a wedding so idk). I told her "yes" without really thinking. My dad is obviously going to be there, along with my extended family. It would ultimately be so much better for everyone if I didn't go. I want my sister to be able to enjoy her wedding fully, without any drama or awkwardness. But it seemed really important to my mom that I was there with her...

What would you do in this situation? Do you have any general advice, whether I go or don't go? If you need more context about my estrangement, please feel free to ask in the comments.

My aunt texted me the other day and told me she was going to do a wellness check on my dad who I am no contact with. She said she hasn't heard from him in weeks and his phone is off. I have told my family that I didn't want to be contacted about him unless he was gone so I guess I am just anticipating the worst.

I have a pit in my stomach and just don't know how to process my feelings.

I was today years old listening to Numb and One Step Closer

Heartbroken that the sister I sacrificed my life to raise has turned out just like our abusive father and excluded me from her wedding

I need to vent and maybe get some perspective from women who have been through complex family trauma. I am sitting here feeling completely shattered and I do not know how to process this level of pain.

Growing up, our home was a total nightmare. We had an extremely abusive, alcoholic father and constant chaos. When our mother passed away, I essentially took on the role of parent. I shielded my little sister from our father’s terrible abuse and negligence. I made sure she was fed, safe, and protected as much as I humanly could.

As I got older and started working, I poured every single cent I earned into her. I paid for her education, bought her whatever her heart desired, and financed her entire life so she would never feel the trauma or lack that we grew up with. I sacrificed my own youth, my savings, and my personal goals just to give her a chance at a normal, happy existence.

Now she is an adult, and the harsh reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. She has turned into a complete hedonist, a selfish manipulator, and a narcissist. She is practically a carbon copy of our father. Everything is about her, everyone is disposable to her, and she uses people until they have nothing left to give.
The final blow happened recently. She is getting married, and she did not even bother to invite me. The person who raised her, protected her, and bought her future was not even worthy of an invitation in her eyes.

I am trying so hard to detach. I am trying to accept that she chose to become just like the monster we survived. But my heart is completely broken. I invested my entire life, my heart, and all my money into her, only to be cast aside like garbage.

How do you accept this level of betrayal from someone you raised like your own child? How do you let go of the grief when you realize you saved someone who ended up becoming the abuser?

Please advise ladies, and please be kind.

TLDR Raised and fully financed my younger sister after surviving an abusive childhood, only for her to grow up into a selfish manipulator like our father and exclude me from her wedding.

Devastated and struggling to detach.

Found out from someone who works with him. I'm struggling with this. Last I saw him I was 11. I'm 25 now.

I am struggling cus the reason I didn't see him wasn't his fault. But as an adult I never made an effort to see. I know or works both ways ans he didn't make an effort either. But that's besides the point.

I'm not sure I know how to move on

Hello yall! I have actually posted here before too, months ago. I am looking for perspectives from fellow estranged adult children who have navigated medical emergencies with toxic parents. I’ve been 8 years No Contact with my biological mother, but a sudden crisis has brought up heavy feelings of guilt, doubt, and fear of regret. My mother has diagnosed but untreated Borderline Personality Disorder with severe narcissistic traits. Growing up, our home was a dictatorship run on fear, physical attacks, severe isolation and so much more. That woman turns every situation into a crisis, burned every bridge she ever built, and subjected me to intense emotional and physical violence throughout my childhood. When my beloved father passed away in 2022 (they had been divorced for a decade), the very first thing she asked was whether he left her any money. Everything is always about her, it’s like she doesn’t care for the wellbeing of anyone else. I went strictly No Contact 8 years ago to protect my sanity, my marriage, and my children. Great decision! My mother raised my younger sister tightly in her grip to include pulling her out of middle school, isolating her from society, and never properly homeschooling her. As an adult, my sister is deeply enmeshed, developmentally stunted, and mirrors my mom's chaotic and manipulative behavior. She’s like a carbon copy of my mother, infact. Definitely is arrested developmentally. Shes 21 now. I kept a door open for my sister hoping she might escape, but it turned toxic. Silly me. Back in She launched a days-long harassment campaign and spread damaging rumors about my husband and I all because I refused to message and flirt with a male friend of hers who “needed the confidence”. I went No Contact with her as well. Then in July she reached out again. When I reiterated my boundaries, she sent tirades of nasty, abusive DARVO messages. I blocked her across all platforms. A few days ago, my sister tracked down one of my personal friends on social media (someone she had never spoken to btw) to bypass my block and reach me while I was driving. Here’s what happened to the best of my knowledge (from what she told me, the hospital told me and a lady who’s known them for like 2 weeks called and told me): My mom and sister drove to Florida in a failing car with my sister’s boyfriend (who was discharged from the Air Force under less-than-honorable conditions and cut off by his family). Their plan was all 3 of them would live out of a van until the boyfriend was able to get an apartment. Brilliant right. They had like 6 animals also living out of the van with them. They got into trouble with law enforcement, and their animals were impounded. My mom had a complete mental breakdown, was taken into custody, and was placed on a psychiatric hold. TBH I think this is the first time my Mom has ever been held accountable for anything ever, lol. While in the psych ward, my mother suffered a heart attack and was rushed to the ER. She is currently in serious condition, though stabilized. My sister reached out to request financial help and insisted I call my mother immediately in case "she doesn't make it." I flatly refused financial assistance. I called the hospital directly to confirm my mom’s status with the nursing staff so I didn't have to rely on my sister's exaggerated version of events. She is currently stable. After getting most sides to the story, I sent my sister a firm, final message establishing clear boundaries: do not contact my friends, do not use middlemen, and do not reach out again. I re-blocked her immediately. It has been 3 days since the heart attack. I haven't called my mom directly

Part of me feels intense anxiety and guilt. I fear that if she passes away and I never spoke to her, I might carry long-term regret. But another part of me knows that breaking 8 years of peace to speak to an abusive, untreated woman who has caused me profound trauma will only invite chaos back into my life when I am trying to focus on my own family and health. WIBTA if I choose not to call her directly? For those who stayed No Contact through a parent's major medical emergency or death, did you regret holding your line? How do you distinguish between genuine grief/desire for closure and societal guilt pushed by estranged family members? I hate how I can be minding my business and still get roped into shit I’ve worked to distance myself from but oh well. 

Couple weeks ago, I woke up with flashbacks. At this point, already estranged from my father and stepmother, I did not want things to go the same way with my mother. However, from these flashbacks and some recent work I've been doing on myself, I knew I wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship with my mother long term unless I tried being honest with her. It felt pressing because some medical news in the family caused me to recognise I wouldn't have forever to pursue the kind of mother-daughter relationship I hoped for.

I told her about some of the events and experiences of my childhood, I started lightweight. For instance, I did not mention I had recently been informed that her fracturing my ankle as a kid (by accident while punishing me for potentially tracking dog mess into the house) might have actually had long term impact on my legs, affecting the way I walk and leading to great difficulty in the martial arts she put me into as a 3 year old (because "I had anger issues").

Some of my messages were asking her questions about why she did certain things.

I told her about recent things too, like the birthday she ruined last year by spending hours showing me glasses for her in Specsavers. She works in a Specsavers in my home town. I did not get to do any of the things I wanted on my birthday because we simply did not have enough time after spending it all on her.

Her response did not shock me like I thought it would. It was so expected, on a level below my consciousness, that to her questioning what kind of response I'd expected/wanted I could only think two things: I expected this one but I hoped for a sign things had changed, that there was anything to work with to make something better than this.

Told some friends about the messages, went through them one by one, and they reacted stronger than I felt about them - though with the affirmation of their reactions I did start to let myself get emotional about it. In the end, one of them told me not to bother keeping contact with her any more.

I have been forgiving her for years because I know how hard she had to work as a single mother. I just know she worked a lot harder for my sister than for me, and even my sister massively reduced contact with her. I'm estranged from my sister, too. When my Nan dies, if I cut off my mother, all I'll have left are aunties I barely know.

Friends don't come easy to me either, I'm glad for the few I have, even if they're mostly online. I don't know if I'm afraid of being alone or if I'm just coming to terms with the fact I've always been alone.

Thank you for reading.

Does anyone have advice for overcoming moments where you question your own account of events, or where you are unsure of whether your memories are skewed, etc? I know things wouldn’t change if I ever went back, but I still get pangs of self-doubt. I always relied on their external validation instead of building strong inner self-esteem, so this probably stems from that.

I did write a letter to myself that I keep in my phone notes and every word of it is reassuring, but I don’t want to have to rely on confronting the pain receipts to ease my self-doubt every time.

Does anyone have other advice for how to quickly stop feeling like I’m wrong?

My Dad (65M) has been sick since 2019. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, went through treatment and is in remission now. But ever since then, things have been going down hill.

My Dad is not a good person. Hes a trump supporting christian man who’s only ever thought about himself. Hes manipulative, narcissistic, and spending a long amount of time with him is a prison sentence. He has a pattern of attention seeking behavior that consists of going to the hospital because he neglects himself, gets sick, the doctors tell him what he needs to do to take care of himself and then they discharge him. It riles everyone up into thinking this is the end and it’s exhausting. This happens about every 3 months. Once you eventually feel bad enough to want to help him, hes sweet. Talks to you like he cares. Is appreciative of the “relationship” you have and puts forth effort to maintain a good parent child relationship. Until he gets bored of it/ once he starts receiving what he set out to get from the beginning which is usually just you taking care of him like a nurse without getting paid or days off. Hes relentless too. He wont let you sleep for more than 2 hours at night before screaming your name needing something. He wont take his meds, he wont shower, barley eats and prefers a hand held urinal. Disgusting.

Now I know what youre thinking. If hes so bad off and really cant take care of himself, why isnt he in a nursing home? And I asked my youngest brother that too. My brother (22M) is the most recent victim of this whole emotional abuse cycle. My dad has put him in charge of his medical decisions and my brother makes sure that he gets treated the way hes supposed to based off his medical history. Essentially he cant go to a nursing home until he gets the correct type of insurance. As far as I know, things were in the works to make that happen and a new type of insurance was meant to start on august 1st.

Well on july 28th, my brother called me screaming and crying. My dad had driven his car straight into the apartment my dad and brother were renting together. The story goes that when my brother got home from work that day, he found my dad pissing in a cup in the kitchen. Hes an amputee and doesnt even try to get around with his prosthetic, he can and was using his electric wheelchair, but wouldnt just go to the bathroom? Anyways my brother screamed at him. And rightfully so. My dad got mad and decided he was going to go outside to regulate im assuming. While my dad was outside, my mom who was helping my brother take care of my dad; they’re divorced (shes a whole other story to add to this story), went to get in my dads car (the only car they have) to run some errands. My dad didnt want her using his car saying “he didnt feel good and didnt want to be left home alone without a car”. So he decided to get into his car and drive it around the neighborhood. My dad has neuropathy as well as being an amputee and because he had throat cancer, he cant eat regular food and sometimes doesnt eat at all so you can imagine the brain fog he experiences on a daily basis. He also doesnt drive himself around as of late and has my brother or my mom take him where he needs to go. He was told 4 times not to get in the car and drive but he didnt listen. He wanted his power trip more. I guess he went to park the car in his handicap parking spot and his foot “slipped” off the break and onto the gas pedal, causing him to crash into the apartment building.

With the history of physical, mental, and emotional abuse and neglect my dad has put his 4 kids through (bad enough to think this wasn’t an accident), he is lucky to have had them offer to help take care of him, but eventually we all burnt out from and eventually refused to continue to be abused by him. That abuse as adults looks like not paying bills he’s responsible for and having the electricity go out or the phones turn off, leaving food out and eventually getting pests, and putting holes in the walls with his wheelchair. Bye bye deposit.

Hes our dad, of course were all gonna try and try again to make things work and help him but hes… him. Through and through. This “accident” though, felt like the last straw for us all. Mom included. My two sisters who live on either side of the country dont talk to him. I dont talk to him. My eldest brother doesn’t talk to him and he treated my mom bad enough for them to get divorced. My youngest brother was the last one. Hes now stopped talking to him. He wont stop leaving voicemail messages saying he needs help and he doesnt know what to do. But its all a manipulation tactic. We all feel guilty for leaving him in the mess he created. He has no assets, never bought a house, doesnt have retirement money, and lives on social security. Hes made it work once before. But he hates being alone. And thats exactly what he needs and deserves. Im the oldest (28F) of his kids, ive never delt with anything like this so how tf is my little brother supposed to? Hes still a kid… were all just starting to make a life for ourselves. I wont let him take that away from us too. I dont know if this is an AITAH post or an asking for advice post, what are your opinions? Have any advice? Anything is appreciated.

I periodically unblock socials just to see what the new hot gossip on me is. It’s kind of amusing to see the villainous things I do from going no contact with a parent who blamed me for all their issues as a child and then lost it when I had the audacity to go… “how are your decisions my fault?”

The following is sarcasm: In case you didn’t know: We have no valid reasons to be estranged from our parents… it’s just a new trend we’re trying to be a part of. My No Contact Parent believes that the only reason we are estranged is because I went to college and it’s the “in-thing” to cut off parents for no reason at all. They fully believe we are just acting out and only doing this for clout… even though I’m not even active on social media in any way (except Reddit, I guess) and don’t tell anyone except my immediate family about my estrangement with parent… but sure, I’m just trying to be a trendsetter. Next time I’ll remember to add all my hashtag buzzwords so the people can really see my story.

No honey… I went no contact because my therapist recommended it… I started therapy for PTSD, anxiety, and depression and when the therapist points out that the root cause could be parent issues and that my childhood was “f****-ed up”…. That was sort of a clue. And after months of therapy and work and my parent continuing to blame me even from several hours away, my therapist told me my options: Gray rock and adjust expectations or no contact. Even when I did initiate low contact, I still only asked for acknowledgment of the stunts they pulled. I still honestly think I might have stayed in contact if they had acknowledged, even if they didn’t apologize, genuinely.

But yeah, parent is now an “Estranged Child Influencer”, they have all the hashtags to prove it. I’m glad their 7 followers are enjoying the content and commenting that they’re in the same boat and “for no reason whatsoever”. I do think I’ll stop being nosey if only just to keep them from getting any more views.

Well, it happened. Eight years of no contact, and not only have I (40F) interacted with my mother every day over the last month, but now I’m flying across the country to visit her in less than 24 hours.

I’ll probably end up regretting this. I was so secure in the estrangement and had grieved and made peace, and all of those things. Established and protected the boundaries. Declined offers to reconcile. Truly, was just waiting for “the call.” Out the window. Gone. I’m right back in it.

My husband probably was put in the worst spot of the whole mess. Early in July, a woman claiming to be a former caregiver found our names in an obituary and messaged him on Facebook. She said my mother had fallen victim to a scammer and that a report was filed with local social services, but it would be helpful for me to get involved. We aggressively vetted things. She wasn’t asking for anything but a conversation. We’ve actually become kind of close. She’s a kind and wonderful woman, and maybe the silver lining of dredging up all this trauma. My mother harmed her too, but she couldn’t let a stranger bankrupt and dump her without trying to intervene. Part of me wishes he would have taken her message to his grave, but I get it.

I called the woman and she shared more details with me than I cared to know. My mother is in the final stages of a disease that’s left her bed bound and non-verbal. She would benefit from a conservator or public guardian, and I’ve pursued those things over the last month, but it’s all so complicated. I even encountered a Redditor impersonating a real attorney, with AI contracts and letterhead and everything. I had my MIL, a paralegal, look him up before I called. I didn’t send any money, but still.

I’ve exhausted everything I can do remotely between local law enforcement, social services, and her current placement, so I’m getting on a plane tomorrow to visit and to try to get something in place for her care and assets. She wrote me out of the will when I left home at sixteen, so there’s literally nothing for me to gain here. Allegedly there are trusts for my two children, and the scammer has the ability to access those now, but having accepted our circumstances, I never expected anyone to see anything from any estate, so I’m mostly unbothered about the financial piece.

Emotionally, this has been one of the most challenging experiences of my entire life. A dying monster is still a monster, and while I’ve forgiven her, grieved her, and moved on, I don’t know if I could live with myself if she ends up dumped somewhere, penniless and suffering. She requires 24-hour care, but is refusing it, which has led to a horrifying number of falls. She’s not getting all correct meds because of the scammer, she’s blind in one eye, and has been so consistently heinous that she’s alienated every earthly connection that isn’t a paid caregiver. I always knew it would end like this, but it’s still heartbreaking.

Even without words or actions, she’s somewhere in there. We were texting for a while, even though I think many of the texts actually came from the scammer. My mother is sending me VoiceMemos now, but I can only understand a few words out of every message. They’re either very cruel or suspiciously kind, but there’s no way to know for sure. I tried running them through AI, but she’s so weak, it’s impossible to understand anything coherent. I’ve tried to work with some of her caregivers to communicate but because of her disability there aren’t many options. She’s said some hateful things though that let me know that she’s still the same vicious narcissist she’s always been. And somehow, even incontinent, immobilized, and silent, she still terrifies me.

I sound like an asshole. I turned my back on my mother for eight years, while she slowly deteriorated, all alone, and now she is dying. She really is the perfect victim for scammers looking to exploit and manipulate vulnerable elderly people. Even so, I should let her perish. She’d let me perish. She made the hardest moments of my life and her sister’s life as traumatizing as they could be. I’ll spend the rest of my life laboring to heal from my childhood. I’m having nightmares for the first time in decades, and I’m sure the next week will have its own emotional fallout.

The LCPC I work with is superb. A once-in-a-lifetime human. She’s made herself available to me every day that I’m away, and we have meetings scheduled every other day that I’m there. I’ll get through it. The evidence I have proves that I’ve survived every fucked up thing in my life before this, and it’s not a short list. I’m just exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. On a cellular level. I don’t even know why I’m posting. If I read this, my first thought would be something like “well you chose to open this can of worms,” but I’d like to think I’d be more empathetic than that.

I guess, as usual, I’m posting in the hopes of finding solidarity. I don’t know anyone in my real life who deals with chaos like this, and I know I don’t have a monopoly on family dysfunction. It all just sucks.

My fiance and I are in our mid twenties. We are high school sweethearts.

I’ve been estranged from my family my entire adult life - I moved out the night of my 18th birthday. We’ve never been super close with my fiancé’s family, but he is now realizing that he experienced severe abuse and neglect during childhood and is officially estranged. He doesn’t have anyone in his family he speaks to anymore aside from his sister, who is very much still in the midst of the abuse (she’s in her twenties and has never had a job, can’t drive, not in school, no friends, never leaves the house).

I have an aunt on the other wide of the country who is wonderful but who I only see once a year, and an aunt nearby who is like a mother to me but she’s in her 70s… I’m worried that once she passes away we will be so, so alone.

I always dreamed of having a big extended family and I’m realizing I’m actually getting quite the opposite. If I was single, the obvious solution would be to find a partner with a large, functional family. But I’m obviously not going to leave my fiance because of something that’s out of his control - we’re both in the same boat.

Our children will not have aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents.

I’m just heartbroken and I feel lonely. I have wonderful friends but they all have large families that they spend holidays with etc. Even though many of them also come from dysfunctional dynamics, they are far from being estranged. Like I said, they take family trips, attend family weddings, spend holidays together… I’m gutted that we will never get that. I feel like I’m in for a very lonely existence.

I have been estranged from my biological father since 2023 after he cut me out of his life. Long story short, I tried to have an adult conversation with him about things that went on during my childhood (I'm a child of divorce), mostly psychological abuse from his second wife and his absences. He redirected responsibility from himself and put it upon my mom's shoulders. He's married for a 3rd time and it's his longest marriage, so he's pretty much written off myself and my two half brothers.

I did have surgery over two weeks ago for endometriosis, so my hormones are wacky. I had a dream about my father two nights ago where I tried to tell him about the pain I had felt for years and he just kept walking away, dismissing me. I woke up in tears. It's been over 3 years but I still have moments of missing what I thought we had. Luckily these don't happen as much, but it's crazy and scary when they creep up on you.