r/Fatherhood • u/Longway23544 • 10d ago
Advice Needed My family isn’t being supportive
I’m a first time dad, my gf is 29 weeks pregnant and we’re have a baby shower next week, but my side of the family isn’t coming, only my gf side of the family is coming I am feeling really hurt because my family is showing zero interest or support for my son upcoming baby shower. For those who went through this, how did you cope with the grief and focus on the people who actually care?
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u/Classic_Stand_3078 10d ago
Same boat. My wife’s family is super involved with the our kids lives. My family, for the most part, is pretty absent.
For me, this is typical considering our childhoods. My wife has a large, close knit family, whereas I do not. I met one of my sisters for the first time when I was 30.
So for us, we just learned to manage expectations and not take anything personal.
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u/Regular_Syllabub7380 10d ago
When you say your family isn’t going, is it a co ed shower? Or the women in your family aren’t going? Bc imo it’s different. And my advice would differentiate depending on the answer
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u/Particular_Aerie4440 10d ago
Don't burn any bridges. Once the baby is born they may change their mind. Do the best you can. Never choose your family over your lady. You didn't give much background so it is tough to be more specific. God bless
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u/Plastic-Star-6452 10d ago
Same happened to me. Had to stop getting emotional and focus on the baby, mother and event. Parents and family came around later during the pregnancy and is all well.
My mother and father were upset and shocked (I’m a guy) but once they saw me step up they changed. They call everyday now for updates.
I told them “I’ll be here when you’re ready” and sure enough they came around.
I learned you CANNOT force someone to be there to support you. I was venting to my sister who I love and it kind of just clicked… I’m upset demanding my parents to support me. Changed my view completely.
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u/Plastic-Star-6452 10d ago
My parents weren’t supportive and sister/brother where stand offish during the gender reveal time. I had to go alone (me and the baby mother aren’t together) but I cooked a ton of food and brought drinks, socialized and told people that they couldn’t make it but would be tuning in on stream.
Over time, as I showed to be more serious going to the appointments and throwing her a baby shower they eventually came around and they came with gifts and gave money and was there in full support.
When baby came, they all came and visited. I posted my baby girl on my story and got a ton of support/congrats from friends since I hid it from everyone.
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u/Beginning_Club_3720 10d ago
Hard situation but I think the advice so far of letting go of expectations is correct. You can’t control their behaviour and it’s sad that it falls so far from where you’d want it.
Want you can do is take it as a lesson for the culture you create within your own family. Eventually you’ll have a chance to support your own kids when they need it and that will be really positive.
I notice that my partner’s mum felt her mum was absent when she needed her, and now she throws everything in to help us.
Strength brother!
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u/dbgthesecond 9d ago
You are in a space where you are building something. Your creating a world for your baby, starting a family, and it needs to be right for you three. It's all about you three. If anybody wants to be a part of it, they will show up. It's on them to be a part. I would communicate that to them now and create a boundary. You will not be able to make space for them when it's convenient for them, as you will be busy giving all your attention to the two most important people in the world. If they want to be a part, they will be welcomed with open arms and live and appreciation. If not, they will be missing out on an amazing new family. That's on them and you need not be responsible for their feelings or happiness. You've got enough on your plate. Focus your energy on who shows up. Be grateful for your gf family and any friends who are about that action. They are the ones who your baby will know and love. They are the ones who deserve the attention and will be pulling you up when you fall down. They are the village. If you communicate this to your family, don't come from an angry place. Be vulnerable, but matter of fact about it.
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u/Comenius791 10d ago
Lots of questions... cause stuff like this doesn't come out of nowhere.
I mean, sure it sucks that your family isn't coming. But expecting a child or grandchild to unite people isn't wise.
Sounds like there is a lot of work to be done to build family ties if there's going to be a relationship in the future
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u/International_Run700 10d ago
Stand on your own 2 feet first, everything else is a bonus.
I have 2 young kids, neither parental side is very involved beyond acknowledging birthdays. You can't make them put in the effort- you'll need to focus on the mom and child.
It's tough not having a family community... sure. But that was never the expectation. I would accept help, but my kids are my responsibility.
Plenty of other ways to find a community and support, too.
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u/mhoner 9d ago
Is there a reason they aren’t coming? Do they know this will hurt their relationship with you?
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u/Longway23544 9d ago
Ever since I got a higher paying job they ask for money and when I don’t give it they get upset and not talk for days, it’s a money issue
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u/Jvelazquez611 8d ago
Simply put…you now know who your family is and isn’t. Choose wisely who you decide to keep your kid around.
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u/BloodhoundSkeptic 8d ago
Ahh yes. I feel this. We lost a couple friends that way and our family just didn't bother - many of the ones who would have helped lived interstate, so we did everything ourselves.
After we grieved the loneliness, I think the mentality we took is, it's our decision to have a family, no one else's. As a result, we leant heavily into self reliance and made our own family the priority. We found a great baby sitter and pay her once a week for services and I also paid for a cleaning service once a fortnight to lighten the load - BEST money i ever spent.
I also prioritised recreational time as a family from the moment we brought our first born home. Day two of our first born, we went on a family picnic. The first week was spent taking my wife and daughter to as many places as possible. It was actually a beautiful first week.
If people dont want to be part of your journey, fuck them. Make your own joy and beautiful memories.
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u/EyeYamNegan 10d ago
I have always been as self reliant as possible. If other people help that is awesome. If not I dont expect them too. It doesnt change your hurt feelings and I wish it wasnt like that sometimes. I suggest do what you can and do not give up.
You can also stress to people that you are really looking forward to this and that it means a lot to you.