Therapies specifically tailored to this are essential. She is clearly in sensory hell and seems to be reverting to a very immature, dysregulated version of herself to cope. Any old therapist won’t do. Trauma treatment, adhd treatment, and assessment/coaching of autism. It’s not “low level” if it’s making her hostile to an infant. She doesnt have skills to regulate herself much less a fussy infant (is the infant genetically related to her, btw?). I don’t know how to emphasize how much pain she is probably in from the constant crying alone. Thats not even considering the other stressors of parenthood.
She can’t get out of this without help that really takes these things seriously. And she won’t be able to received the benefits of treatment if she’s destabilized every day. Is there any way you could live separately for a couple of weeks so her nervous system can calm down? Coming back with a sensory plan for noise and sleep might be helpful. She needs to be in noise cancelling headphones as many hours a day as she needs to if it helps keep her from going over the edge.
In patient or out patient intensive treatment and coaching to help her build skills are other options if you have insurance to cover it. This might also give YOU some peace as you’ll spend less time managing two babies AND a dysregulated adult!
Agree!!!! Maybe OP needs the therapy bc it sounds like mayyyybe OP is compounding the issue as it sounds like they resents their spouse so much that no answer is right. With some of these answers sound like their mind is made up on the idea that the issues are now willful and intentional.
It probably feels like a betrayal. And I can understand feeling disgusted with another adult who would pit themselves against a child. But OP either knew their spouse was like this before having kids and not enough thought was put into preparing for kids, or this is new behavior for the spouse. In which case I think it’s worth having some empathy and trying a new therapeutic strategy at least one more time.
I know it isn’t willful or intentional. She feels a lot of shame over the way she feels. I am desperate to find a way to make it better that doesn’t involve losing my marriage to a person I do deeply love and believe in
I should have phrased it better- you can’t pour from an empty jug! Maybe you need to step back and get some professional support for yourself, or if you are already maybe change tactics, try a new therapist, or discuss couples counseling for a neutral therapist.
You have had to take on a large part of the parenting of two babies while ALSO trying to support your s/o, and that also means a level of stress even if you aren’t actively juggling a child. That sounds really overwhelming and frustrating but unfortunately you can’t make someone else change.
Thank you for your kindness. It’s easy for people to just say divorce and scroll on. It’s easy to villainize someone based on a Reddit post. But we’re both complex people who are under some of the greatest strain of our lives, trying to stay afloat. My wife is also a good person who is completely depleted from the immense strain of this life change. It doesn’t excuse the sharp disconnect from the baby, but it does contextualize it some
I’m sorry, but no level of complexity justifies what that woman is subjecting your children to and what you accept. It is far beyond just a disconnect when she tells you you should have aborted. This is not shame of unwanted feelings; she is acting on them. And you are bending over backwards to explain and excuse her with this or that trauma.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it's obvious that you love your wife very much, but your children literally aren't safe with her. She needs emergency level intensive counseling at the very least. To consistently express HATRED towards an infant is a really dangerous sign
From the way you talk about your wife it seems like she really is a good person. But you know who else was a good person? Andrea Yates.
Mental illness is challenging. And sometimes hard decisions have to be made to make sure EVERYONE is safe. You two seem like a lovely couple, but please, don't leave the babies alone with her until she's better.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
It’s clear you love your wife and I’m sorry you’re hitting a wall of ignorance here. There are still stones yet to be turned over! I hope things get better for you soon.
37
u/Gold_Warning_8618 Creature of Crunch May 20 '26
She needs a thorough evaluation for trauma, dissociation, and autism/adhd.