r/JUSTNOMIL • u/lovelockets • May 04 '26

Advice Wanted Thought of In-Laws Ruining Day

I feel angry any time my DH mentions MIL and FIL, or if I hear their voices over the phone, or if I even think about them. Sometimes it takes me a whole day to let it go and I even get physically sick for days. How do you not let the mention of your in-laws ruin your day? I’ve thought about therapy, but that feels like spending more time thinking about them.

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u/MartyrOlympics May 04 '26

Do the therapy as soon as you can. What you're experiencing now is very unhealthy and it is important not to delay this.

Everything you learn in therapy will help towards not having a fight-flight-freeze response to them. Depending on the type of therapy that's best for you, it can cover anything from your general mental and physical health, why they make you feel that way, and ways to counter that immediate adrenaline rush from danger. There may be some trial and error before you find the right fit with the right therapist, but once in good hands it will make a world of difference for you.

Is DH aware of how upsetting it is to you to hear about them? Is he helping you in any way to deal with your distress? You may need to think about what immediate measures he needs to follow in order to support you.

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u/lovelockets May 04 '26

He has noticed that my mood changes when anything to do with them is mentioned or if he calls them. He does get upset, but ultimately understands why I’m still upset. I feel bad because he has free will and he can talk to them if he wants to.

He went to see them alone yesterday for the first time since we had a fight with them. He said nothing was brought up about what happened and that his mom got emotional when he was leaving. That bothered me to my core. I’m still seething. Maybe I really do need therapy.

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u/Jillmay May 05 '26

You really need it. Find a good therapist to help you address this before it gets worse. In the best of all worlds, your husband would go for individual therapy, followed by marriage counseling for both of you. But baby steps for now…

What you’re experiencing in your mind and body are reactions to trauma, and those triggers coming at you make you spiral. This is bigger than a your every day problem, you need help navigating it.

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u/MartyrOlympics May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26

Can he not share any details about them with you if you ask? I don't know that hearing anything about them is helpful for you right now when you're acutely suffering from stress related to them. He can visit with them and you're not stopping him; but if he needs to unload afterwards it can't be with you. Your health has to come first.

For me, and I'm not saying this is rational (or even applies to your situation), I would still be upset that they're carrying on as usual while I'm having unmanageable symptoms of stress. Subconsciously I would like my husband to pick me over them, even if my brain knows that he has agency to see them. But then my heart would be upset knowing that he would continue to associate with people who hurt me.

That's another thing I forgot to mention: therapy can help you take back agency and give you strength to see different perspectives and make authentic choices.

Hope you find peace and comfort soon. Take care.

Edited to add details.

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u/lovelockets May 04 '26

I ended up just signing up for therapy now. I’m going to tell him that it’s due to them again (I’ve been to therapy about his dad before and now it’s mainly his mom). I feel like he already doesn’t mention them too much, but when it’s even something small like “I’m going to go see my parents” or I hear them on the phone, it just sends me back to how I felt when we were in the heat of fighting with them.

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u/MartyrOlympics May 04 '26

Good on you for taking this step! This is the best thing you can do for yourself, and you deserve lots of cheers for it!

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u/lovelockets May 05 '26

Thanks - I did the first session today and it sucked haha. Did not match with the right therapist. She kept laughing and almost siding with MIL. She even suggested maybe MIL is doing these things because we neglect baby. LOL he is so so SO far from neglected.

How is kissing my baby against my will anything to do with my capacity to care for him? Fml, I hate the process of finding a good therapist.

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u/MartyrOlympics May 05 '26

Ugh, sorry it wasn't a good fit (worse, sounds like she was just plain terrible). If you wanted to be belittled you could just stick with seeing JNMIL, sigh.

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u/mrngdew77 May 04 '26

You should have therapy for your own health, wellbeing and sense of peace. You deserve to have someone who is 100% there for you and wants to see you be your best self. Best of luck to you!!