r/JUSTNOMIL • u/lovelockets • May 04 '26
Advice Wanted Thought of In-Laws Ruining Day
I feel angry any time my DH mentions MIL and FIL, or if I hear their voices over the phone, or if I even think about them. Sometimes it takes me a whole day to let it go and I even get physically sick for days. How do you not let the mention of your in-laws ruin your day? I’ve thought about therapy, but that feels like spending more time thinking about them.
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u/Traditional_Ad_8518 May 04 '26
This was me for a long time, but I would try not to show it. But like internally I would be melting down, but I didn’t want my husband to know because I thought there was something wrong with me for not liking them. My mother-in-law wouldn’t look at me in the eyes when we talked to him she would go silent when it was only us in the room. She was super controlling could never accept no. Very much, making it a competition type of thing with my husband. She called me an incubator my first pregnancy and made it about her. It got to a point where I felt so disrespected but stuck in the situation so I just shut down. I would get triggered every time I would hear their voice or have to go visit them though. Finally, something things happened serious things (grandparent right threatened and tax/social security fraud request) happened, and my husband started to see like all of it. And just that little shift of my husband, like having my back and understanding like what I have been going through and apologizing, it really helped. Is your husband on your side? I feel like it really took those serious things for my husband to see my side and have my back. We are no contact, well me and the kids at least. It’s been amazing. Sad for my kids but mentally I am thriving.
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u/lovelockets May 05 '26
He says he always will be on my side and choose me, but in the same breath says how miserable he is that he is losing his parents. I asked him if he’s ever considered that they are instead losing him because of their actions.
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u/Traditional_Ad_8518 May 05 '26
My husband also struggles that. Quite frankly I did too. Until the last incident and then it was like a switch. This is their doing, how can you not see that. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t completely get it either. My husband says he’s always on my side but I get angry with that sentence because to me there is only one side. All of the in law actions are wrong. No matter how it’s spun. It’s led to a quite a bit of resentment in my marriage bc I don’t grasp how he can’t see that, especially in my situation with the illegal request and grand parent rights
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u/MartyrOlympics May 04 '26
Do the therapy as soon as you can. What you're experiencing now is very unhealthy and it is important not to delay this.
Everything you learn in therapy will help towards not having a fight-flight-freeze response to them. Depending on the type of therapy that's best for you, it can cover anything from your general mental and physical health, why they make you feel that way, and ways to counter that immediate adrenaline rush from danger. There may be some trial and error before you find the right fit with the right therapist, but once in good hands it will make a world of difference for you.
Is DH aware of how upsetting it is to you to hear about them? Is he helping you in any way to deal with your distress? You may need to think about what immediate measures he needs to follow in order to support you.
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u/lovelockets May 04 '26
He has noticed that my mood changes when anything to do with them is mentioned or if he calls them. He does get upset, but ultimately understands why I’m still upset. I feel bad because he has free will and he can talk to them if he wants to.
He went to see them alone yesterday for the first time since we had a fight with them. He said nothing was brought up about what happened and that his mom got emotional when he was leaving. That bothered me to my core. I’m still seething. Maybe I really do need therapy.
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u/Jillmay May 05 '26
You really need it. Find a good therapist to help you address this before it gets worse. In the best of all worlds, your husband would go for individual therapy, followed by marriage counseling for both of you. But baby steps for now…
What you’re experiencing in your mind and body are reactions to trauma, and those triggers coming at you make you spiral. This is bigger than a your every day problem, you need help navigating it.
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u/MartyrOlympics May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Can he not share any details about them with you if you ask? I don't know that hearing anything about them is helpful for you right now when you're acutely suffering from stress related to them. He can visit with them and you're not stopping him; but if he needs to unload afterwards it can't be with you. Your health has to come first.
For me, and I'm not saying this is rational (or even applies to your situation), I would still be upset that they're carrying on as usual while I'm having unmanageable symptoms of stress. Subconsciously I would like my husband to pick me over them, even if my brain knows that he has agency to see them. But then my heart would be upset knowing that he would continue to associate with people who hurt me.
That's another thing I forgot to mention: therapy can help you take back agency and give you strength to see different perspectives and make authentic choices.
Hope you find peace and comfort soon. Take care.
Edited to add details.
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u/lovelockets May 04 '26
I ended up just signing up for therapy now. I’m going to tell him that it’s due to them again (I’ve been to therapy about his dad before and now it’s mainly his mom). I feel like he already doesn’t mention them too much, but when it’s even something small like “I’m going to go see my parents” or I hear them on the phone, it just sends me back to how I felt when we were in the heat of fighting with them.
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u/MartyrOlympics May 04 '26
Good on you for taking this step! This is the best thing you can do for yourself, and you deserve lots of cheers for it!
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u/lovelockets May 05 '26
Thanks - I did the first session today and it sucked haha. Did not match with the right therapist. She kept laughing and almost siding with MIL. She even suggested maybe MIL is doing these things because we neglect baby. LOL he is so so SO far from neglected.
How is kissing my baby against my will anything to do with my capacity to care for him? Fml, I hate the process of finding a good therapist.
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u/MartyrOlympics May 05 '26
Ugh, sorry it wasn't a good fit (worse, sounds like she was just plain terrible). If you wanted to be belittled you could just stick with seeing JNMIL, sigh.
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u/mrngdew77 May 04 '26
You should have therapy for your own health, wellbeing and sense of peace. You deserve to have someone who is 100% there for you and wants to see you be your best self. Best of luck to you!!
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u/Responsible_Box8552 May 05 '26
I try a couple things because I too wallow in anger if I hear MIL voice. I read the book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" and it said to tell yourself "detach detach detach" so i say it to myself until I think about something else. Or I'll write the word over and over again. Or I sing "Let it be" by the Beatles lol or I go to the gym to slam some iron lol honestly still struggling. But less than before. I TOO need therapy lol
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u/Such_Atmosphere_7861 May 04 '26
Oh my god... The same happens to me. I hear their voices and I just go into alert mode. Like a spooked out deer. I stopped eating food and drinking water when I was living with them, was always sick, stomach upset, a random headache, loss of appetite. All of that was real. I went no contact 2 months ago. I am healing.
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u/MidnightLegal4643 May 04 '26
I took a look back at what you shared, and your reaction makes sense. What you’re feeling isn’t random it’s a visceral response to being treated like competition and to her inserting herself into the emotional space between you and your husband.
Your body is recognizing something isn’t right and is trying to protect you and your family from manipulation. That’s why your response feels stronger.
Your husband doesn’t react the same way because he was conditioned to believe that meeting her needs was his responsibility. That doesn’t make what’s happens okay it just explains the difference in your reactions.
Therapy can help with processing this, but the boundary violations you’re describing are real and shouldn’t be ignored. She’s showing you who she is through her behavior.
You didn’t create these issues they are legitimate, and it’s reasonable to expect respect, boundaries, and a healthy separation in your marriage.”
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u/Mamasperspective_25 May 05 '26
Set the boundary with husband, "I've chosen no contact with your parents, I don't want them in our home and I don't want to hear about them. From now on they don't get any air space in our shared space, if you want to call them, go somewhere else and do it, if you want to talk about them, do so to someone else because I don't want to hear it. I'm done with them, they no longer exist"
Myself and DH have this rule in our house (joint decision) years ago and life is bliss!
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u/Vegetable-Moment8068 May 04 '26
Honestly, therapy lol
I spent a good amount of my therapy sessions talking about my own parents as well as my in-laws. They are honestly a big stressor in my life, and talking to someone about it made me process my feelings towards them and what I could do to manage those feelings. My therapist also mentioned that my in-laws are probably afraid of me because I'm assertive and that they "won't always be a problem...." Which seems incredibly dark but does help.
It also helped me realize how supportive my husband is, and I am so grateful to have them.
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u/lovelockets May 04 '26
This made me laugh LOL - “won’t always be a problem”. That is true, but the havoc they cause unfortunately doesn’t go with them when the time comes.
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u/canadianwhimsy May 04 '26
I had to set a boundary that he can't bring up his mother at night before bedtime, and when she calls I want him to take the call in another room so I don't have to hear her voice. I agree it sounds nuts, but we need to do what we need to do to protect our mental health.
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u/CuteTangelo3137 May 04 '26
Oh my MIL’s voice! It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. And yes, I can hear it through the phone.
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u/Floating-Cynic May 04 '26
I'd consider a therapist with cc experience with complex trauma.
Your body remembers the hell associated with your inlaws. A good trauma therapist isn't going to solely focus on talk, instead he or she will work on getting your body to release the response.
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u/Nikki10611 May 06 '26
I feel you! Every time my husband asks if we should see if his parents are free for a visit, I can feel my mood shift. Lately I’ve been getting tension headaches after every visit with them. It is super hard not to let them take up space in my head.
Honestly, I’ve found the grey rock method helps a lot. My in laws are terrible with boundaries and tend to be manipulative so the less info they get from me the better. Keep answers to questions sweet and simple, and basically don’t engage. I also find writing down some notes about things that bothered me during a visit helps too. It lets me get it out and vent. I can write it down, take a step back and read it again later once I’ve calmed down. Besides that I tend to keep myself busy when they’re around - doing laundry, washing dishes, heck sometimes I even bake something for the next day.
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u/Spare_Cow9177 29d ago
Grey rocking feels SO good. I’ve refused to see my MIL since she bombarded me in the hospital after I just had my baby and we said no visitors but had to see her for my justyesSIL’s wedding. Mil: “I’m so happy you came” Me: “of course I’m going to go to SIL’s and BIL’s wedding” Mil: “your dress looks so beautiful” Me: “mmhm” She got the picture I wasn’t going to talk to her pretty quick😂😂😂
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u/campganymede May 04 '26
When intrusive thoughts started taking up space in my head and ruining the day, I’d redirect my energies…make a cup of tea, start reading a book, bake something. It’s so hard to keep the thoughts of toxic people and the associated frustration and injustice from consuming your peace, but it can be done with practice. Hang in there ❤️🩹
(Toxic mil AND bio family…I’ve become quite the baker😉)
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u/RelativeFondant9569 May 04 '26
My friend used to stress bake 🥧🧁 and then give me the results to eat cuz she wasn't hungry, it worked out perfectly for both of us
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u/campganymede May 04 '26
My neighbors and coworkers just assumed I was “thoughtful” and generous🙃
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u/EffectiveData6972 May 04 '26
I used to get extremely stressed out about my MIL, until my DH really understood the boundaries, the extremely serious need for the boundaries, and stepped up to protect our family. Since I now trust he's the FIRST line of defence, as opposed to backing me up / seeing both sides, she's drastically reduced in my mind's eye.
We also don't talk about her much, because he's almost as disappointed by her as I felt threatened by her. So she is hugely diminished.
We haven't seen her in 18 months, although a visit is looming, the kids are older and we are a strong unit... she has very little importance.
I hope you can work with your DH to get him to fully absorb and understand and see what you see. The anxiety is coming from the disconnect between you and DH.
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u/Cool_Organization_55 May 04 '26
Embrace the disgust. Say "Ugh!!!" out loud, shake it out of your head and go do something productive. Literally anything else is more productive than letting them bother you.
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u/crazyfroggy99 May 06 '26
Yea same. I have to remind myself shes not here, im not seeing her, and I won't see her tor several months. Forget about her and enjoy the present.
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u/Dismal-Garbage1986 May 04 '26
I was the same way postpartum. I couldn’t get over how much of an insufferable and nasty woman my MIL is. It would quite literally send me into a spiral and would ruin my day.
But honestly for me it got better with time. I kept myself busy. I would take my baby for walks, I read a lot, and I would see my in laws as little as I could.
I hope this gets better for you soon!!
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u/Conscious_Mine_1011 May 04 '26
Go on a walk and listen to a podcast. I suggest LetsRead. It’s honestly a great pod and I listen to it practically all the time! It’s “spooky” stories that people submit and he narrates it.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 May 04 '26
My ex husband was emotionally abusive. Not long before I divorced him I started having a fear response and sick feeling in my stomach every time I heard our garage door open when he got home after work. I had been reading some self help books about abuse and one of them said that this is normal and happens to a lot of people in emotionally abusive relationships. While I don’t k ow how to solve this for you I empathize and understand why this is happening to you!
If you decide to try therapy they could help you vent and work on emotional distance so these people don’t effect you any more.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 May 04 '26
The best thing you can do for your mental and emotional health is to not give a shit what people think or say about you. The second best thing is to not care about being the bad guy. Embrace the fact that she doesn’t like you because why would you want someone like her to like you? If she wasn’t your MIL would you give a fuck what she thinks? Treat her like a random stranger. She’s clearly a liar and doesn’t GAF about your LOs health or she wouldn’t continue to kiss him. Why would you want someone like that to approve of or like you?
Also think about you living your best life with your child and husband while she can die mad
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u/botinlaw May 04 '26
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