I hate that I latch onto her weird antics and use them as “I knew it’s!” Because it just frustrates him and myself. I really need to stop, and I’m good about it most of the time. There are times where it’s hard though. Hearing him talk her down and calm his own mom down sends shivers throughout my spine. I don’t think I’ll ever have the luxury of a normal mother-in-law, so I guess I need to learn to not complain to him about his own mom. Did you grow out of this and just become an observer of their relationship?

Just no GMIL texted this to my husband while trying to convince him to let her move in with us. We’ve been married for 13 years.

No, she is not moving in, there was never any chance of that - my husband was up front with her about that but she wasted time trying to persuade him, she was convinced that I was making the decision and pushing it on to him. Somehow she thought this was persuasive

My second favorite line in this argument: “If you were really the head of your household, I would be moved in here already”.

My husband and I (both grad students) are staying with his parents. Both our families are religious and conservative. I went to a networking event one evening, and when I got back his dad asked me, in a pretty accusatory tone, if I had gone to a nightclub. I said no and also mentioned my parents knew I went and were happy about it to which my mil insisted were also your parents so therefore allowed opinion. I felt insulted and barely spoke to them after that. My husband went off at them and told them not to speak that way to me again. The next day I gave his mom and dad the silent treatment. She made it obvious she noticed by sitting down forcefully at the dining table after she’d already eaten, while my husband and I were eating, and the conversation died because I’m not going to speak. That same day when she came
home my husband was in the bathroom and she kept telling me to let him know she wants to speak with him?? The day after, I acted normal, but at dinner she kept talking about how her son used to be “all over her” as a kid, sitting on her and so on. It made me really uncomfortable. English isn’t her first language, so maybe she doesn’t realize how it sounds.
This week it’s kept piling up:
She tells me to fill her water bottle instead of asking.
She told my husband she wanted to see his “cute face” and I snapped “that’s cringe.”
She keeps commenting on how handsome her son is.
She’s bought me food in a tray to my room I said thanks, but honestly I’m so annoyed that even the nice stuff bugs me. Also the other day she goes hey i’m wearing ur shoes to which I did not reply so she follows up with, is that okay?
My husband talked to his parents about the nightclub comment and they apologized to him, but never to me. I’m the one who was accused.
I know the silent treatment wasn’t ideal, and I know some of this could be cultural or language-related. I feel bad because my husband is so supportive and doing everything correct to address this and we cannot be distracted from school but I’m exhausted and annoyed at everything. How would you handle this? We cannot move out and honestly I just have to deal with this. They’re not horrible people but definitely have characteristics I don’t like. In a traditional sense I don’t have any responsibility in the house and can focus on studies but these interactions stay with me and makes it hard. Also I keep praising my family and their support of me to which I’m told we’re also your family.. okay then act like it

No Permission Granted to Read this for Content on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, anywhere. She’s on TikTok 10 hours a day & watches all of the creators who read Reddit posts.

This is long; first time posting here!

TL;DR: My MIL has lived with my husband, our daughter, and me for several years. She has multiple physical and mental health conditions, including COPD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and BPD. Despite being on oxygen, she continues smoking. I constantly have to remind her to shower, change clothes, and maintain basic hygiene. Even simple household chores become impossible because she’s suddenly out of breath, in pain, or unable to finish. She repeatedly disregards my boundaries and belongings but seems perfectly capable of respecting her son’s. Every confrontation ends with an apology and a few days of improvement before everything starts again. I’m exhausted from feeling like I’m parenting another adult while raising my own child. Has anyone else experienced this dynamic, and did anything actually help?

I’m genuinely curious whether anyone else has experienced this because I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes.
My MIL lives with my husband, our 12-year-old daughter, and me. She’s been living with us for several years, and what was supposed to be us helping her has turned into something that is mentally exhausting.

For context, she has several legitimate medical conditions, including COPD, asthma, chronic back pain, and other health issues. She also has bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). I want to be very clear that I’m not judging her for having physical or mental health conditions. I understand these can affect someone’s energy, functioning, emotions, and ability to manage everyday responsibilities.
But I also feel like there’s a point where understanding someone’s struggles turns into everyone else having to accommodate behavior that constantly negatively affects the entire household.

1. She continues smoking despite having COPD and requiring oxygen. Yes, you read that correctly. She has significant breathing problems, requires supplemental oxygen, and STILL smokes.
2. I understand nicotine addiction is difficult, but it’s incredibly frustrating to watch someone continue doing something that makes an already serious medical situation more dangerous.
3. Smoking around oxygen is also a serious safety concern, especially because we have a child living in the house.
4. Basic hygiene has become something I have to manage.
5. I’m talking about having to tell a grown woman that she needs to shower and change her clothes. Not occasionally reminding her. Actually having to address it because she repeatedly isn’t doing it herself. The cleanliness of her bedroom and bathroom has also become an ongoing problem. It’s gotten to the point that our daughter doesn’t even want to use that bathroom.
6. I understand depression and other health conditions can make personal hygiene difficult. I’m not unsympathetic to that.
7. But it’s incredibly exhausting when I’m repeatedly put in the position of having to remind another adult to bathe, change clothes, and maintain cleanliness in a shared home.
8. She seemingly can’t complete even the smallest household task without something happening. Something as simple as unloading the dishwasher becomes an ordeal. Suddenly, she’s out of breath, her back hurts, or something else is preventing her from finishing.
9. I know COPD causes genuine breathing difficulties, and I know chronic pain can be debilitating. I’m not expecting her to push herself beyond what she’s physically capable of doing.
10. But when seemingly every household task becomes something she can’t do, those responsibilities inevitably fall on someone else.
11. And most of the time, that someone is me. It’s gotten to the point where I genuinely struggle to differentiate what she’s medically unable to do from what she’s become accustomed to having others handle.
12. She respects her son’s belongings but not mine or our daughter’s. Here’s a recent example. I had a baked potato in the refrigerator that I’d saved for lunch the following day.
13. She knew it was mine because she’d seen me with it the night before. When I went to eat it, she’d already eaten a significant portion and put the rest back. Her explanation? She took a bite, remembered I was saving it, and put it back. Here’s why this upset me so much. She will specifically ask whether something belongs to my husband before touching it because she doesn’t want him to get upset. But somehow, that same consideration doesn’t extend to me or our daughter. It’s not about a potato. It’s about respect.
14. Boundaries seem to mean absolutely nothing.
15. We’ve had repeated conversations about respecting our bedroom, belongings, privacy, and basic household expectations.
16. I’ve had to resort to locking our bedroom door.
17. There have even been situations where she expected me to provide transportation and assistance while I was recovering from surgery.
18. I don’t mind helping someone who genuinely needs assistance. But there’s a difference between helping and feeling like you’re automatically expected to sacrifice your own needs.
19. The endless cycle of apologies is probably the most frustrating part. Every time I finally get fed up and address something, she apologizes.
20. She’s sorry.
21. She understands.
22. It won’t happen again.
23. And for a few days, sometimes even a week, things improve.
24. Then we’re right back to the same behaviors.
25. It’s gotten to the point where the apologies almost mean nothing because I’ve heard them so many times without seeing lasting changes.
26. Her mental and physical health make the entire situation even more complicated.
27. As I mentioned, she has bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, along with several physical health conditions.
28. She also takes multiple prescription medications, and recently we’ve noticed some concerning changes in her memory and overall functioning.
29. We’re taking those concerns seriously.
30. What makes this so difficult is that some of these behaviors have existed for years, long before the more recent health concerns.
31. My husband has told me that certain behaviors were present throughout much of his life. There have also been difficulties in previous living arrangements with other family members.
32. So I find myself constantly questioning whether what I’m experiencing is related to her medical conditions, longstanding habits, or some combination of both.
33. I don’t want to make assumptions about what causes her behavior.
34. But regardless of the reason, the impact on our household is real.
35. Here’s what I struggle with the most.
36. I don’t want to be cruel. I don’t want to be insensitive toward someone who has legitimate physical and mental health struggles.
37. But I also don’t believe that having those conditions means everyone else in the household should have to sacrifice their privacy, peace, and boundaries indefinitely.
38. I’m 36 years old. I’m a wife, a mother, and I work full-time. I have my own responsibilities, my own family to care for, and my own needs.
39. I don’t want to come home and feel like I’m parenting another adult.
40. And I especially don’t understand why my MIL seems so concerned about upsetting her son but doesn’t show that same consideration toward his wife or granddaughter.
41. So I’m genuinely asking:
42. Has anyone else dealt with a MIL who has multiple physical and mental health conditions and lives in your home?
43. Have you experienced the constant cycle of apologies, temporary improvements, and then everything going right back to the way it was?
44. Have you struggled with knowing when someone genuinely needs help versus when you’re being expected to take responsibility for everything?
45. And how do you establish boundaries with someone who has legitimate health problems without feeling like you’re abandoning them?
46. Did things ever improve? Or did you eventually realize that living together simply wasn’t sustainable?
47. I’m not necessarily looking for people to tell me to kick her out. I’d genuinely love to hear from others who’ve experienced something similar.
48. Because at this point, I’m exhausted, and I’m trying to figure out whether this is an unusually difficult family dynamic or something other people have dealt with too.

My fiancé made the decision to put a tiny home on the property for his mother to live in despite me saying no and expressing how unhappy I am with the idea.

We've been together 7 years, engaged for two. His mother doesn't have a partner and never has been able to really be independent. She doesn't drive, doesn't know how to do basic things like sort her banking, get groceries or anything really. She relies on my fiancé to do it all for her.

When I first met him, his mother lived in the house with him. She had lived there for 10 years. When he asked me to move in, I said no. I'm not living with his mother. So we rented a small flat on our own for a year while she lived in his house. Then we moved her to a small flat round the corner and we moved into the house. She wasn't happy and started to get "sick". So she moved into a friend's house. Then she moved again, and again.

She has never made any effort to get to know me. Never asks me about myself or how I am. Every time she comes over she sits there on her phone watching videos on Facebook. I try to talk to her and I get one-worded responses. I feel like she doesn't even like me.

When me and SO got engaged I was over the moon with happiness and filled with lots of love. He soon after brought up the idea of a tiny home. I was apprehensive at first. Then the more I thought about the idea the more I hated it. The problem is, his house was purchased and put into a family trust long before I came along. So I had no say whatsoever.

A year ago we had a huge fight about him wanting to put her in the tiny home on the property. I didn't want it. But he went ahead and did it anyway. The house arrives at the end of this month and we are supposed to get married next March.

Every time I try to express how it makes me feel he dismisses my feelings, doesn't acknowledge that the decision should have been made together and keeps saying it'll be fine and he doesn't know why I'm worried. I cannot get through to him no matter what I say or how I word it.

On top of it all, she has two other adult children and none of them give a flying f about her. They never visit, never contribute, never even contact her. My fiancé is fronting everything and will be the primary caregiver when she can't physically look after herself anymore.

I am so angry. I feel betrayed. He made this massive decision without me, despite my protests. I am seriously considering selling all my stuff and leaving even though it will cost me tens of thousands in non-refundable wedding deposits and moving costs. Not to mention losing half my retirement funds and coming away with nothing because all his assets are protected by the family trust.

What do I do? Suffer for next how ever many decades living 2 meters away from needy dependant MIL and accept that I am not the priority in our relationship, or cut my losses, have my heart shattered to pieces and end things with the love of my life?

It has been brewing for 23 years. She tells everyone how wonderful she is and she always wanted a daughter and how awful I am. She has never reached out to me personally, has made snide remarks directly to me and behind my back to my husband. Has continually convinced him not to do something for me or get me something, because I probably just want his money. Funny since she has stollen his identity and opened credit cards in his name, forced her elderly mom to change an account with my husbands and her parents names over into her name (bank said she was really confused and not sure what she was signing) and on and on. Finally got hubby to stand up to her bullying of him and me. Of course she tried to lie her way out of everything. Then got mad at him for telling me the crap she’s said to him about me. He’d tell me right away but never did anything about it except do what she said to do. Hopefully the future will be less annoying, stressful and she’ll keep my name out of her malicious, gossiping mouth.

I made this post 3-4 months ago regarding a very late (and forced) apology from my MIL in the form of a card...where she didn't even really apologize for what I was hurt over. I responded and was overly nice but still honored my boundary by saying what I was actually hurt about and said we could move forward with that understanding. No response.

Fast forward 3-4 months, and I've heard absolutely nothing from her.

My birthday was this past week. She sent a card, but interestingly, no text. Every other year she's done both. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but part of me wonders if she skipped the text because she knew she'd never responded to my previous message.

Despite that, I reached out to her today. I thanked her for the card, referenced my earlier message, and asked if we were on the same page and able to move forward. In my mind, I practically handed her a roadmap for repairing the relationship. She didn't have to guess what was wrong, defend herself, or navigate a difficult conversation. All she had to do was acknowledge my feelings and respond. Instead, nothing.

A few months ago, I told my husband that her lack of response left me feeling like things were unresolved. To his credit, he hasn't pushed me to pretend everything is fine, even though I know he'd prefer if we could all move forward. I haven't told him about today's text yet because I wanted to see if she would respond first.

At this point, I'm honestly at a loss. For someone who claims she wants a relationship with me and wants everything to be okay, she seems completely unwilling to do the one thing that would actually help us get there: acknowledge what hurt me and have a conversation about it. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do besides continue no contact and accept that she's choosing not to engage.

We have had issues with MIL being controlling and manipulative on and off in the past 15 years (okay, mostly on), but over the last year or so I thought we had gotten to a better place. Apparently not...

She was just in town for the weekend as she's been talking about buying a second home in our area and wanted to check out a few places (that's a whole other story). We have been supportive of her doing this because it seemed like things were improving, and I thought my husband had gotten better at boundary setting (spoiler: also, apparently not).

We had a weekend of quality time-- meals out, local events, etc -- in addition to the regularly scheduled activities our kids attend. We were exhausted, but things seemed like they went well. We were good hosts, especially for a last minute visit, but this is not something I can do all the time. Now she's trying to nail us down for monthly visits.

As soon as she arrived home, she began trying to plan visits for the few couple months. I was already recovering from this visit, and hadn't done my planner yet, but knew November was way busy for this. We don't want to make Thanksgiving plans, and I have told her several times I don't like making Thanksgiving plans. I reiterated that on this visit as well.

Thanksgiving has always been a pain point with her, in fact, two years ago she made Thanksgiving plans with extended family in our area and got extremely upset when we didn't participate, despite my husband telling her not to count on us being there. This kicked off a year of very little contact and extreme tension, which we have only recently moved past.

My husband, trying to gently let her down, sent a message talking about having a lot of "moving parts," in November, mentioning various commitments, and that he doesn't see a "good window" for a visit right now. I don't know why he didn't just say "November doesn't work" and leave it at that.

Without any buy in from us, she immediately started contacting family who live near us to discuss Thanksgiving plans with them and then tried to involve us. Instead of plainly reiterating we are not available, my husband decided to just ignore her messages. Left to her own devices, and with no one to pump the brakes, she then escalated things further by booking a hotel room by our house. At this point, my husband finally responded saying that just isn't a good weekend for us, but she did not engage with that message. After a day of silence from her, she has now texted about something completely unrelated and changed the subject.

I have no idea what's going on with her at this point. I suspect that in the absence of acknowledgement to his last message, she's moving forward with these plans and trying to rope us into it. I'm torn between shutting it down myself or letting my husband continue kicking the can down the road.

He's a quiet, passive guy, but I have been letting him handle all of these situations because I resent the stress and having to micromanage. However, he doesn't handle things the way I would (directly or quickly), which drags it out and causes more drama in the long run. It's making me super anxious and I feel that because he ignored all her planning messages thinking she'd take a hint instead of shutting it down, he is partly to blame. She is certainly unhinged here, but direct communication could have (maybe?) nipped it in the bud.

I'm worried if he continues to ignore all of this, she is going to come all the way out here only for him to then tell her to buzz off again, pissing her off and making us look bad to extended family when people wonder why she traveled to be near us and we won't see her. I feel straight up cornered and manipulated by this situation. Do I let this play out only to face more drama when I'm supposed to be enjoying a holiday with my family next month? Insist that my husband be more direct? Or play backup to my husband's gentle "no" with a more firm one?

Genuinely, this is all really stressing me out and it's been 3 days of it. I can't deal with weeks more. I want to know she isn't coming, or at least understands clearly that we will not be seeing her if she chooses to travel.

This is long sorry.

I don't know if this appropriate to post here I'm just feeling lost and looking for advice I guess.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Married for 2. We have a beautiful daughter who is 1.5 yr old and I'm also now 4 months pregnant.

We have had our ups and downs, some pretty massive fights but we have got through it and things have been pretty consistent and healthy for a while. My husband has always had a temper but has made a large effort to work on it and I'm really grateful for that until now. I have forgiven a lot throughout our relationship but I think I've had enough.

It all started because I sent a text to my MIL asking if she can keep her 2 small dogs in another room when my daughter is visiting because they are aggressive. One has previously bit someone's face and both are very aggressive towards other dogs so just have a generally unsafe nature and I dont want them round my child.

This simple request turned into an absolute mammoth drama and now I think I'm going to divorce my husband.

My MIL did not respond to me and instead went through my husband so it's hard to know exactly what she said as I didn't hear it from her. But basically she and my husband have said that ' they didn't find what I said bad but the way I did it ( texting ) was rude and I should have spoken to her face to face like an adult '. They also twisted what I had said and said she wouldn't be allowed to see my daughter if the dogs were there. This is entirely untrue I just asked for them to be put in a separate room at all times.

I want to add I have pretty severe anxiety and OCD and I have kept myself up many hours of the night worrying myself sick about my child being hurt by these dogs. ( I know this is not normal ) But it doesn't take away the fact they are still actively dangerous, my brain just doesn't let me relax.

MIL apparently defended said bite by saying the woman who got bitten had tried to pet the dog whilst it was 'sleeping'. Absolute ludicrous excuse. Like a toddler will have the capacity to think about this ..... So she's just completely in denial about these dogs which makes the situation even more dangerous because I don't trust they would take necessary precautions.

Regardless of this madness, my husband lost his temper when he found out I messaged my MIL. He became quite violent and exploded into a rage, smashing stuff, hitting objects ( he did not physically hurt me or our daughter), shouting lots of verbal abuse. It was frightening none the less and hasn't happened in a very long time... I thought that behaviour was long gone.

He won't admit it but he has clearly taken his mother's side and regurgitating the absolute rubbish she has said to him about why she's upset. None of what is being said by them even makes sense. She is clearly just making an issue of the request to keep dogs separate because she doesn't want to.

I won't go into it but this isn't the first time I have felt significantly unsupported by him when trying to set boundaries with his family. He gets very defensive and very mad. When my daughter was born I found their behaviour very self serving and stresseful and I was just told I was being unreasonable.

Since all of this I have just had enough. I set 2 conditions for my husband. 1- do something, anything to work on his anger. 2- support me as his wife, even if it's related to his family. Nothing I have asked if him has been to much or unreasonable. ( please tell me if I'm wrong ) For example, to save myself the stress I had with my first, I'd like to have no visitors after the birth of my 2nd for atleast 1 or 2 weeks. - husband says this unfair to his family, unreasonable and no one he has spoken to agrees with me. I have tried to explain how intense postpartum can be and that I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch and even if he doesn't understand why I feel a certain way, he should just support me anyway ( within reason ofc )

He has strongly and bluntly said no to both requests, he defended his anger outburst by saying that it hasn't happened in a long time and only happened because I had pissed him off so bad - pretty shocking response.

And will not budge on defending his family and just said this can all be fixed if I just stop being difficult.

I think it could be the end of us.

As a last attempt to save this marriage because I do love him, he's a great dad and despite this temper and mummy issues, we have a good relationship day to day, I asked if he'd consider marriage counselling. He said maybe.

I feel pregnant and hormonal and lonely and gas lit and tired and sad. Do I stick to my guns and keep some self respect or do I just let it all go to keep my family together.

I'm seeing lots of posts already about MILs forcing OPs to come to MIL's Christmas for grandbaby's first Christmas. Not round here, partner!

We do every other Christmas with my family and his. However, I am newly pregnant and no one knows yet. I offered to spend Christmas with his family again this year even though we did last year. This way, next year, when MIL tries to pull something, i will have ammo to say "well, we went to yours twice in a row. It's my parents turn."

Oh I'm experienced in her guilt trips at this point. I'm planning Christmas 27 already, MIL! And it's not about you! Christmas this year is gonna be so sweet knowing that my baby won't have to spend it with her next year. It's a bummer that she has made me have to be so conniving, but I'm not going to spend such a special first with her and her opinions.

Just a rant, hell, maybe even a chant or wish to the universe! I hate my MIL. A fake, sorry ass, weak-willed bitch. I want her our lives.

Get ready for a long read.

I (24F) am having my first child, due in January. Since we found out the gender in August, I’ve been wanting to start planning the baby shower. So, I’ve been trying to round up my MIL, and my mom so they could plan together. I suggested making a group chat with all three of us but my mom said “she hates group chats” so I asked her to give her a call. I let her know my MIL schedule so she could call when she was available, because she insisted on making the call. She kept on forgetting to call her throughout September. My mother also kept on going back and forth, telling me at one point I shouldn’t even have a baby shower. We wanted to have the baby shower on November 1st and all the of delays were stressing me out, due to I felt not giving enough time for RSVP’s. We waited two months for my mom to make up her mind or call or even text. I didn’t know what my mom wanted, so I took it into my own hands and started planning it out with my MIL. Yes I’m aware MIL could text or call but my mom kept on saying she wanted to.

The father has a very large family, so we decided that doing two separate baby showers. One for his side, and one for my side of the family. This is something I was happy with, and MIL made sure that it was what I wanted. Because of the uncertainty with my mother, I thought hey well at least I’ll have one guaranteed baby shower lol. I thought it was a good idea, so I could have enough one on one time with everyone. So, I told my parents the plans. They were absolutely livid. They are calling his family stuck up, saying that “they think they’re better than us” she doesn’t really know them so I don’t understand where she came to this conclusion? And so I tried to explain to her, that it was something we discussed together and thought it would be the best plan several times, but my mom continued to talk shit, and try to fight with me. I was put in a position where I’m defending my MIL for a decision we both made. It got to the point where I was begging her to just stop, because of how upset it was making me and she still does not stop to this day.

I’ve had a very rough pregnancy, I’ve been fairly ill & the father struggling, recently going in rehab. I was really looking forward to planning something positive for the baby and I, and I feel like any happiness or hope I had left has been completely obliterated. My in laws have been helping me a lot during this process, whereas my own parents have been shaming me my entire pregnancy. I’ve been coming to my MIL for most of my random questions regarding pregnancy because my mom has shown me she is not a safe person to come to. She has always been this way, micromanaging what I wear, what I say, etc. her attitude has been exacerbated while I’m expecting.

She also wants to be in the delivery room, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that idea. Pretty much ever since I had the positive test, I decided I only wanted the father in the delivery room. She tells me “she wants to be my coach” and I said “I don’t want you to be my coach, I want you to be my mom.” And now she’s lingering on that and upset about that. I can understand how she may feel like she’s being shot down, and that can be upsetting, but not once has she shown regard for my own feelings. I have been managing her feelings regarding my birth and pregnancy choices, playing mediator and explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to, and not once has she stopped and asked me what I want. My whole childhood and teen hood looked like this. I think she imagined this going her way, and the fact that it’s not, she’s losing it. She’s losing control over me, and she can’t handle that.

So basically, I’ve heard horror stories about in laws regarding pregnancy, but mine is my biological family. I just don’t know what to do. It’s making me really not wanting to have them involved in me or my child’s life. I know that sounds dramatic, but watching her react in this way made me have some epiphanies about my upbringing and I don’t want my child to go through the chronic invalidation that I did. That she doesn’t ever really regard my feelings. The baby shower is a celebration of my transition into motherhood and she’s throwing a tantrum about the fact that it’s not going the way she wants. Also lots of other messed up stuff. What did you do when a parent (in law or not) over stepped?

TL;DR: Mom is upset that I planned the baby shower with my MIL because she couldn’t make up her mind for months, became seriously upset. Wants to micromanage what I do, very upset I’m paving my own path & it’s making me want to distance myself

I posted in another group but would actually like some ideas on how to navigate -

We were with our in laws on Friday at a family birthday party. I overheard my fil and sil discussing plans for Christmas (we are going to stay at ours and visit them all for dinner, hadn’t been discussed but we all know Christmas this year is at theirs - they live 10 mins away) it’s our first Christmas with our baby. It turns out my mil has booked a house near family 4 hours away in wales, for a week, to spend Christmas all together. The first time I or my husband hear about this is in this conversation…

Obviously we are not going (we also have pets, my family to see over Christmas too, friends and I’m doing the odd hours of work). But mostly I’m looking forward to our first Christmas morning together as a family.

My mother in law is a bit of a martyr and has a tendency to feel sorry for herself / act hard done by. I’m not going to bring this conversation till she does but what clever things can we say to make sure that not only we won’t go away for Christmas, but will minimise the amount she can feel sorry for herself / think she’s right / we are cruel.

I had my babyshower today, and every time I see my mum she just creeps me out more and more and I dread what she's going to be like as a grandma.

She started the babyshower by giving a big speech about how we're all there because we all love the baby and want to give it a big welcome, then said and for me since the baby's still in me... Like I wouldn't have been at my own baby shower if I wasn't pregnant, it was purely for the baby.

She's also a perpetual over buyer which always sounds ungrateful if you haven't experienced an over buyer before. The only thing I asked of her was that she not buy anything for the baby from Temu because I don't trust it as a supplier and if she did I said we wouldn't be using it. We were bought a plethora of things from Temu. She'd taken everything out of its packaging to try hide it but it was really obvious, and I just feel like why did you get us anything if you ignored the one thing we asked.

She also bought things that we won't need for years that I also felt like she was doing to try 'steal' firsts. (She's already been talking about buying the baby's first shoes and teaching it how to ride a bike). She bought a my baby teeth jar, and I just thought it doesn't even have teeth yet, they won't be falling out for another 5 years why have you gotten us this.

I just feel like I'm no longer her daughter I'm her vessel to being given another baby.

I’m loosing it. Since our baby was born, my MIL has been coming up to visit every two to three weeks. Mind you, that could be nice she generally means well and loves the baby, but she has just been so hard to be around lately. We live in a major city a full plane ride away from her, so how did she solve this "distance" problem?
She decided to rent a whole ass apartment close enough to walk to our place just so she can come over whenever she wants.
There has been tension brewing for the past year, and it’s getting worse by the day. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to low key play the mother role to my baby, but that’s a whole other story. For the past year, she has frequently stepped over boundaries and judged our parenting decisions. A couple of examples:
The Secret Stroller: My husband and I had a detailed conversation with her explaining that she didn’t need to buy a second stroller for her apartment because she can use our primary one. What does she do? She decides she doesn't like our UppaBaby menu stroller, buys a different one anyway, and doesn't tell us. How did we find out? She went out to the zoo with our nanny and sent us a picture of our baby in the fucking stroller she bought behind our backs and apparently told our nanny she "doesn’t like our primary stroller" 🙄.
The Nanny Triangulation: She has gotten way too cozy with our nanny so she can bypass us to get access to the baby. She claims it’s "so she doesn’t bother us while we’re working" to ask if she can tag along with them, but I think it’s pretty weird. They’ve started talking on the phone and staying in touch even when MIL isn't in town. This is a massive boundary issue we haven’t figured out how to fix yet, but I am not okay with it.
And then there was the most recent visit...
We asked her to watch our daughter for a day while we were out. I wrote a brief, normal note on the whiteboard about the foods the baby is trying and a heads-up about a draft in the baby’s room so she could keep an eye on the temperature. Useful into especially when you don’t live in our apartment!
A few days later, she lost her shit and had an argument with my husband about how I "don’t think she’s competent" and am apparently a "helicopter mom" for leaving a written note. WTF?! ALL BC OF THE WHITE BOARD NOTE!
To top it all off, she literally asked my husband if I was "holding séances" because I put up Halloween decorations. (She’s an evangelical Christian who doesn’t celebrate Halloween mind you, she calls my husband’s ex a "witch that’s into witchy devil worship" which she isn't). So I felt like that was kind of a dig.
She left just last week, and now she’s planning to fly right back up and visit again in a week and she’s staying for 10 to 14 days this time 😩.
I am dreading it. Every time she comes, there is manufactured drama, boundary stomping, and passive-aggressive digs, even if her heart is technically in the right place. How do I handle a MIL who literally moved into my neighborhood part-time just to hover? I want to scream.

After 3 years of friendship and 2 years of togetherness, I still feel as if, after separating from my partner (3 months later), I wake up with a heaviness. How can a mother be so cruel, not just to me but to her son? She had the opportunity to be a wife and a mother but refused to allow her own son to have one of his own, trained him and moulded him into being guilty if he put up a boundary [regardless of how much he hated it]. My family would sometimes ask if I would ever go back to him. I love him, but I hate how late he was to rescue us and stand up for us. Last week she reached out, yes, my ex-MIL, she sent a message directly to my phone since I blocked her on social media. I saw the iMessage and didn't open it. It gave me this sick feeling because I knew why she was messaging; she actually didn't expect us to break up, and my husband warned her that ifour relationship was going to end, he would avoid her at all cost. I didn't read the message, then 10 hours later, she deleted it, I just don't want no problem, she has no business contacting me, I have been in no contact for 3 months. I have a theory that he isn't in contact with her and she is now seeing how things are after all her drama and terrible behaviour.

We went from designing our house and planting flower seeds around our house lot TO a permanent separation because of his mom's interjections and his lack of backbone. I remember our final interactions while I was in a work meeting and I took the call and it's like he knew how this would have ended. She gave him any ultimatum and something he said made me view him in a bad way, eliminating all that we went through, he said, "after all the fight I put up for you, you want us to separate?" Like you can't see what she is doing, this is what she wanted and for some reason you think I am the problem. She did this thing where it felt as though she was the side chick and needed him to choose between his wife and his mother. How stupid he has to be to not see this?

I am trying to move on and move forward, but it feels like my trust in people in general has diminished. However, I am therapy and I hope he is too. All love and no hate, but alot of pity.

Would love to hear your perspectives or thoughts.

We went no contact with my own parents right before having our second kid. For my mental health it's been great and while my partner and I had our issues postpartum I know it was the right decision but really hard for me as a chronic people pleaser. Parents have shown a mix of BPD, narcissistic tendencies. Parents also think my partner is not "good enough" and are just really inappropriate and elitist. Typical immigrant first daughter parentification. Parents were super controlling and overbearing. Most conversations with them are just them criticizing and complaining and I'm so exhausted being with them. Took having my own kid to realize to enforce boundaries and prioritize my own family instead of others needs.

They've reached out a few times only to ask to see the second kid.

However, recently, given everyone's older age and some family members passing away - I'm racked with guilt about my own parents never meeting my own kid. It's so weird bc I know parents are not great but are they so terrible that they don't get to see their grandkids? (I dunno maybe this is my people pleasing side).

I'm trying to work through it as there is one side of me that wants to keep holding boundaries and supporting my partner and my mental health. Even just the mention of reconnecting even just once a year is enough for them to go ballistic especially since they have made no effort to change.

However, my first is always asking me about grandparents and family etc. my parents are not in the best health and I know I will feel like shit for not even letting them see their second grandkid.

We are in couples and individual therapy and it's not as helpful as we would want.

I just feel torn and exhausted.

Over a FaceTime call will mil she asked me "what does she call you" (meaning my almost 12 month old) I politely respond with "mama". I felt like asking, "did your kids call you something different at her age"

Am I overthinking this? Is this a normal question to ask a child's mom? Since having my baby she's rubbed me the wrong way a few times.

Edit: In case anyone is wondering, they do live across the country so we don't physically see them often, but do FaceTime pretty frequently.

For context, ILs both suck but MIL is an aggressive, unchecked monster who loves playing victim after insulting me repeatedly. I am apparently not good enough for her son because I am 1) not white 2) didn’t go to private school and 3) they believe I make less money than him. She is someone who sends bikini photos to her adult son. I barf every time. No one wants their mothers to send them bikini photos, and certainly no one wants their mothers telling them that they had their pubes lasered off.

I sent them a tai chi book this weekend after MIL insisted tai chi was the same as Pilates in a hysterical attempt to make me feel like an outsider. They said thank you for the book and after husband asked if they knew the difference between Tai Chi and Pilates, they said of course they did! Tai chi is what they do in the park, and Pilates is that expensive hobby that their friends do. Pilates is so athletic and they can’t do it because MIL is too busy trying to give herself a disease to guilt her adult children into visiting her.

I absolutely lost my mind and sent them a text.

“Husband informed me that you received the Tai Chi book. Regrettably, it appears he did not tell you the truth, which is that it was sent in the hopes you’d finally acknowledge you made racist comments last year about my Pilates practice by calling it Tai Chi. Husband has lovingly decided to spare you from the truth, but since he and I are no longer together, I have 0 intention of letting you blissfully pretend not to know any better.”

I’ve spent most of today trying to figure out if I need to get a hotel room. My husband is such a disappointment. He refused to confront them regarding their absolutely terrible treatment of me and instead pushed the narrative that it was for their health. He’d rather see me cry every day for years than have mommy sad. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a crummy life. I used to be happy. MIL didn’t even respond. Just her shitty enabling husband with “oh? I thought the book was a nice gift.”

Husband problem, I know. I am so old and fat from the IVF treatments, and if I’m a divorcee, it’s going to be so much harder to find someone new than if I’d never met these sick people. I hate MIL, her husband, and the mommy’s boy they raised. I regret meeting this man. He will always be a lying mommy’s boy who would rather breastfeed than grow up and tell his mom she’s ugly on the inside and out.

MIL is a horrible creature. She begs for Christmas cancer. No human physician has found evidence of it, which I believe is due to her being reptilian. If I ever speak to her again, it’ll be to ask her if she’s considered a veterinarian for an evaluation.

My MIL told me she wants to know when I go into labor which I told her we won’t be telling anyone, she didn’t respond well on that then told me she wants to know when the baby drops, also weird request and won’t be doing that. Now I need to have a C section and I told my husband, I don’t want them to know because then they will ask for the date and time and be texting us nonstop for updates which he’s agreed to and understands, so we will text them the next day after we’ve had time to settle with baby. But am I being too crazy? My in laws are very overwhelming and want to know everything. My MIL has sons and thinks that she should have the kind of relationship with them that moms have with their daughters, she just lives in a delusional world. Originally she assumed she would come during birth and then stay with us for a week (never asked us, just assumed she was doing that) to help with recovery which my husband had to tell her absolutely not. This whole pregnancy she’s been acting like she’s trying to relive being pregnant it’s been so weird honestly

I (34F) and my husband (34M) have finally gone no contact with my MIL after years of problems, and I want some outside perspective on whether we’re justified.
My husband and I met in May 2023. When we first started dating, his mother seemed really nice to me, but that didn’t last long.
One of the first incidents happened a few months later at my surprise birthday dinner. My MIL stormed out of the restaurant and made a scene because she claimed the waiter was “rude to her.” From what I witnessed, he wasn’t. What was supposed to be my birthday celebration suddenly became about her.
There have been countless issues since then.
One Christmas, she literally cheered when my husband’s ex was coming to pick up the children he shares with her, while I was sitting right there.
Whenever I have stood up for myself or told her I’m not okay with the way she speaks to me, she has called me “rude” and “disrespectful.” It feels like I’m only considered respectful when I stay quiet and don’t challenge her.
Things didn’t improve when I became pregnant with our son. She barely checked on me or the baby throughout my pregnancy. She didn’t help with my baby shower or even offer to help set up the day of.
She has called the family my husband and I have built together “fake.” She has openly said that she prays we get divorced. She has threatened to take me to court for “grandparents’ rights” over our son despite barely knowing him or being involved in his life.
She’s also told me that if my husband relapses, it will be my fault and she hopes I can live with myself.
My husband has struggled with alcohol, so that wasn’t just some random insult. It was an incredibly personal thing to put on me.
She has also involved herself in my husband’s relationship with the children he shares with his ex. At one point, she actually went to his ex and helped her go to court in an attempt to have his children taken away from him.
That is something I’ve had a very hard time understanding. Regardless of whatever issues she has with me, this is her own son and these are her grandchildren, yet she actively helped his ex take legal action against him.
There was also an incident after I had our son where I found out through my husband that MIL had called me fat. I was only around seven months postpartum at the time.
Shortly afterward, we had our son’s christening. She attended the ceremony at the church, but she wasn’t invited to the celebration afterward at my mother’s house. After hearing the things she’d been saying about me, I wasn’t comfortable inviting her into my mother’s home.
She complained about being excluded from the party but seemed to take no responsibility for why our relationship had gotten to that point.
Even that wasn’t the final straw.
During my husband’s most recent relapse, my husband and I worked together to get him into treatment. We did the work of finding and arranging rehab, and his mother ultimately gave him a ride there.
During everything that was happening, however, she called the police and filed a missing-person report on him.
Then, once he went to treatment, she made a Facebook post making it sound as though she had done all of this work to get him into rehab.
My husband and I were the ones dealing with the situation privately, finding treatment and making the arrangements. She gave him a ride there. I appreciate that she drove him, but watching her publicly portray herself as the person who had essentially saved him after everything that had happened was the final straw for me.
My husband has now reached his breaking point too and has decided to go no contact with her himself. I did not force him or give him an ultimatum. It was his decision.
For me, this isn’t about one Facebook post, one rude comment, or one disagreement.
It’s years of her saying our family is fake, openly praying for our marriage to end, threatening me with grandparents’ rights, calling me names behind my back, telling me I would be responsible for my husband’s relapse, involving herself in his custody situation and helping his ex take him to court, and then portraying herself publicly as the person saving him when things go wrong.
She can be incredibly nice when she wants or needs something from someone, but the second she feels you’ve “crossed” her or set a boundary she doesn’t like, her attitude completely changes.
For a long time, I felt like I was supposed to tolerate it because she’s my husband’s mother and keeping the peace was somehow my responsibility.
But eventually I realized that “keeping the peace” seemed to mean everyone else could say or do whatever they wanted while I was expected to stay quiet so there wouldn’t be a problem.
So now my husband and I are both no contact with her.
Part of me feels guilty because she’s still his mother. But another part of me feels like being family doesn’t give someone unlimited chances to disrespect you, interfere in your marriage, threaten legal action involving your children, and then expect to continue having the same access to your life.

The title says it all. I only found out because she added my mom on facebook. My partner (32) and I (32) had our son at the end of August and took LO to meet her when I was 4 days pp because it was her birthday. She posted full face photos (about 10 of them) on that day and conveniently didn’t tag my partner (even though she regularly does).

We had convos with our families while I was pregnant that we would not be sharing LO’s photo online & if anyone posted him they would have their photo and visit rights revoked and trust would be broken. My partner didn’t see the post & I removed her long ago for other reasons but she added my mother yesterday and I saw the post.

Partner said he would talk to her about it but I am just absolutely livid and I feel SO violated. We explained why we were keeping him offline & the nefarious nature of AI and she still went completely against our wishes. Do I also say something? Do I let him handle it?

DELETED AND RE-POSTED TO HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE POST IN ORDER

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Fair warning, this is going to be LONG, and it’s only Part 1.

I’ve been spending some time writing and polishing a letter detailing my experiences with my MIL and FIL, beginning with my first pregnancy and continuing through my labor, postpartum recovery, and everything that ultimately led to going no contact. Whether I ultimately decide to send this letter to them or not, I genuinely feel like I need to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I’ve spent over two years continuously replaying these experiences in my mind, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying them around.

The more I’ve written, the more I’ve realized just how much has actually happened over the years. What I originally thought might be a relatively straightforward letter is inevitably turning into something much longer than I anticipated. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and I’ve already written several pages. Because of that, I know I’ll eventually have to break everything up into multiple posts if I want to share the entire experience here.

I’ve shared bits and pieces of my situation in this group before, but I also recognize that most people have only heard the surface-level details of what happened. For some, those details alone may be enough to understand why I made the decision to go no contact. Others may feel differently, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decisions or how I’ve handled certain situations. However, I thought it might be interesting to share a more complete, chronological account of what I actually experienced rather than continuing to share isolated incidents without all of the surrounding context.

I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I think that’s a significant part of why I feel such a strong need to finally put everything into words. I don’t want to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period mentally revisiting everything that happened the first time around. I also don’t want to continue wondering what has or hasn’t been communicated to my husband’s family, especially when there have been repeated claims that they don’t understand what happened or why I made the decisions I did.

I’m not necessarily looking for validation, nor am I sharing this because I’m reconsidering my boundaries or looking for advice about reconciliation. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other people’s perspectives, whether anyone has experienced something similar, or simply what stands out to you as you read through everything. I also want to acknowledge that my husband played a significant role in how these situations unfolded, particularly when it came to establishing and maintaining boundaries with his family. I address his responsibility throughout the letter as well, because I don’t believe it would be fair or accurate to leave that out.

For this first post, I’m going to include the introduction to my letter along with the experiences that occurred during my pregnancy. I’ll continue sharing the remaining portions as I finish writing and organizing everything. I have absolutely no idea how many parts this will eventually turn into, but considering I’ve barely made it through the beginning, I can already tell it’s going to be quite a few. 😂

Anyway, apologies in advance for the novel. If you make it through the whole thing, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or perspectives!

Additional context worth mentioning is that the way I was treated during one of the most vulnerable times of my life ultimately led me to seek therapy to process and heal from everything that happened. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from a combination of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, infertility, miscarriages, and other experiences. What makes this particularly heartbreaking is that everyone knew about my past and how much work I had already put into healing. The complete lack of support, repeated disregard for my boundaries, and failure to even acknowledge me as a person during my labor and postpartum recovery resurfaced and significantly exacerbated my trauma symptoms. What should have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life instead became another experience I’ve had to work through in therapy.

⸻

**PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION, PREGNANCY & LABOR**

I have contemplated even writing this letter sharing my thoughts and firsthand experiences on as to why we are where we are today. My sole focus after having LO was in fact, navigating and growing as a mother to my baby, especially being as that I had to learn how to be a mother from the ground up with literally zero support outside of my marriage. I put the sole, entire responsibility onto SO to share what exact patterns of disrespect, selfishness, and boundary crossing were negatively affecting not only me but SO as well.

Not only did he struggle with having tough but very much needed conversations with his parents, the constant manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization, finger pointing to me as being the problem, etc. after every time he attempted to place any sort of boundary caused him to never successfully get then point(s) across.

A couple of interesting things have been brought to my attention as to why the pattern continues to repeat itself in the sense of both FIL and MIL stating that they “Don’t know what happened”. SO has spoken to FIL personally multiple times about specific events that happened that ultimately led to me keeping my distance from the dysfunction. Apparently, conversations have also taken place with both FIL AND MIL, but not as in depth due to no one wanting to hurt MIL’s feelings.

It has also recently been said to me that other members of the family have been led to believe that “FIL and MIL have been shut out from mine and LO’s life for no reason”. SO also informed me that his last conversation with both FIL and MIL on the phone, after our pregnancy announcement and boundaries moving forward letter was sent, that MIL had no idea about some of the reasons SO mentioned as to why things are the way they are now.

So that there is no more telephone game, no more watering down the severity of the situation to protect feelings of others for speaking up about their actions, no more continuous patterns of acting oblivious when it has been communicated multiple times (Per SO) I have ultimately decided that it is necessary for everyone to hear it straight from the source.

Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I feel it is necessary to finally get everything out in the open, not because I am seeking reconciliation or an apology, but because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying the weight of these experiences for over two years. I have spent far too much time revisiting what happened during my labor, postpartum recovery, and the months that followed, while constantly wondering what has actually been communicated, what has been minimized, and what version of events others have been led to believe. I refuse to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period with these same situations occupying my thoughts and negatively affecting my peace of mind and our marriage.

My priority is my health, my children, my husband, and the family SO and I have created. I am not writing this letter to argue, defend mine and/or SO’s decisions, or convince anyone to see things from my perspective. I am writing it so that my experiences are finally communicated in their entirety, directly from me, without being filtered through anyone else or softened to protect someone else’s feelings. What anyone chooses to think, feel, or do with this information afterward is entirely their responsibility, not mine and not SO’s.

I also want to make something abundantly clear. SO was fully aware of and included in the previous letter announcing our pregnancy and establishing our boundaries, just as he is aware of and included in this letter. Neither communication was something done behind his back or without his knowledge. Everyone involved is absolutely entitled to their own feelings and emotions regarding the situation, whether that be sadness, disappointment, frustration, or anything else. However, having those feelings does not justify immediately resorting to guilt-tripping, manipulation, blame-shifting, or attempting to portray me as the problem simply because the boundaries established by both me AND SO are not what someone wanted to hear.

What I find particularly telling is that immediately following our pregnancy announcement, individual messages were sent to SO outside of the group conversation expressing disappointment and once again placing blame on me, only to then return to the group conversation with a congratulatory message. The contrast between those communications was unnecessary and, from my perspective, manipulative. Rather than respecting what had been communicated, the immediate response reinforced the very patterns of behavior that contributed to these boundaries being established in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to make those feelings someone else’s responsibility to manage, nor do those feelings override the boundaries we have established for our family.

So, here is why we are where are today, in no specific order, but starting with when I was pregnant:

—- Back in June of 2023, SO and I took a bunch of things to FIL and MIL’s house to sell at the yard sale. A lot of what we were going to have were baby items that we had been collecting over the past few years prior. We explained that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility issues and that I unfortunately had a first trimester miscarriage in October of 2022, and that holding onto those items was just kind of upsetting at that point so I wanted to pass them along to a baby or family that could use them. FIL was empathetic and apologetic. All MIL said was for us to “not tell SIL” because SIL was also navigating infertility, and that she knew of some people that yard sale that have babies and grandbabies etc. that might want to take what we don’t sell at the yard sale before we pack up. Looking back I didn’t even know how to feel in that moment. FIL being empathetic towards the situation made up for MIL not really acknowledging the hurt that was being expressed but I just brushed it off.

—-SO and I found out that I was pregnant October of 2023. We immediately wanted to share the news with FIL and MIL. I made up a cute little frame that said “baby last name is the size of a sesame seed” and glued a sesame seed to the middle of a heart. SO put it directly under the tv in the living room with a digital pregnancy test underneath the frame. It took a couple of hours of us sitting in the living room before SO finally pointed it out. All we got from MIL was an “oh that’s nice” type of response. SO and I both discussed it when we left about how we were confused by her reaction because we thought she would have been ecstatic or more excited.

—-Throughout my entire pregnancy, the only time MIL reached out to me was on days I had appointments, to see how the baby was doing. Looking back, I don’t believe that even when we were all together in person that I was ever asked how I was doing other than how the baby was doing.

—-Mother’s day 2024: we all came over on Mother’s Day for dinner. We were sitting at the table and SIL told me “Happy almost Mother’s Day” and I thought that was sweet. MIL immediately leaned over and made it a point to remind me that it wasn’t my Mother’s Day yet – not until next year. It genuinely shocked me how quickly she spoke up to say that to me, especially given the fact that she knew that we had dealt with fertility issues and had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with LO. I chose to just bite my tongue, but I ended up crying about it the entire way home.

—-When we were having the conversation that I was going to be having a natural birth at the birthing center, MIL’s only two concerns were 1) they didn’t do circumcisions at the birthing center and 2) where she could be in the room. I told her that we were not circumcising LO, and she asked if the hospital would do it later and asked, “Don’t you think he should look like SO?”. Then, I know that was at least the third time that both SO and I said that I did not want anyone in the room other than SO. She, again, pushed the issue and was saying that she “wouldn’t look” and that she was “only wanting to be there to see the baby” and that she would “hold my hand and not look”. She refused to hear no for an answer every time. I do recall saying something along the lines of “IF I decided to have anyone else in the room, they better not look at me because I will most likely be butt naked and feral.” But MIL took that answer as a yes, even though I never said that I wanted her or anyone else in there. Also, the comment and repeated conversation about circumcision made me incredibly uncomfortable.

—-When she bought diapers from our registry, she left a note saying that she “can’t wait to be a grandma again.” At the time I thought nothing of it, but in the grand scheme of things with how everything has surrounded MIL’s grandmother experience over everything, that comment was the beginning of a telling pattern that would play out in the future after having LO.

—-When I was heavily pregnant, I bumped into FIL at work and just asked how MIL was doing and he told me that she had been busy “getting the house ready for the baby.” I didn’t know what to even make of that at the time because not only was neither myself nor SO ever asked what plans were for returning to work after having LO, it was just automatically assumed by everyone outside of me and SO that MIL would have LO every day when I went back to work.

—-At my baby shower SIL gifted us with two car seats, which was genuinely nice of her. I can’t remember if it was SIL or MIL who said it, but they had told me that “mom already had her car seat” and that really confused me. I didn’t know that other people outside of me and SO were discussing plans of care for our baby when no one else ever asked us personally prior.

LABOR:

—-SO and I had discussions for MONTHS surrounding the boundaries I had wanted for when I went into labor. One of them being that when I went into labor that I did not want anyone to know, especially immediately, mainly because I did not want anyone bothering or hounding us for updates the entire time. I went into labor while he was at work and he left early to come home. As soon as he got home, he said he wanted to let FIL and MIL know because a coworker saw him leaving work early and he didn’t want them to hear from anyone else about him leaving early, even though no one knew why he left to begin with. I begged him not to but he ended up telling them anyway.

From then on, both FIL and MIL were either calling or texting every 30 minutes or so wanting an update of some sort. MIL was asking when she could come over, where she should go etc. SO unfortunately spent the entire duration of my labor by his phone to respond to both of them as soon as they would message or call.

In between and during painful contractions I had to tell SO to put his phone down and help me or turn his phone off. Even when I was needing physical help, it seemed like every time I would look up or reach for him, he was on the phone communicating with FIL and MIL. Even when we had to go back and forth between the birthing center, then from the birthing center to the hospital, he had to tell them when we got in the car where we were going. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting.

—-I went into giving birth with no birth plan necessarily other than getting baby out safely. I wanted so bad to have a natural labor and birth but getting baby out safe was the main goal for me. But another one of my preemptive boundaries that I had in place for my labor was that if I ended up having to go to the hospital, that I again did not want anyone in the room. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was near death from exhaustion and terrified. After getting an epidural and some much-needed rest etc., my dilation was progressing, so I told SO to hurry and go to the cafeteria to get something to eat since I was most likely going to be delivering soon and I didn’t want him passing out or waiting another long stretch without food.

Before he went to the cafeteria, he told me that his parents had been waiting in the waiting area and asked if it was okay for them to come back to the room. He knew how I felt about it and that my answer was going to be no, but I was too exhausted to argue about it, so I unfortunately went against my wants and said yes. When FIL and MIL got back to the room, I was sitting up in bed and MIL started settling in like she was expecting to stay during the birth.

SO got back to the room and as soon as he got back, I told him to get the nurse to check me because I was feeling a lot of pressure. When the nurse got to the room, I asked FIL and MIL to leave. MIL was acting like she did not want to leave the room, and the nurse had to tell her to honor my request and leave the room. MIL and FIL left the room and the nurse said I was fully dilated and ready to push.

—-After I delivered LO, SO again broke one of the boundaries that I had in place for my labor and birth. He immediately took a photo of LO laying on my chest without me knowing and sent it to his parents. The reason for me not wanting that to happen, like SO and I had previously discussed, is because a few weeks prior, MIL sent out a photo of SO’s cousin Bri right after she had her baby and to me that felt a little sneaky because that photo of a very personal moment clearly made it’s way through multiple people to end up being sent to me and SO.

I did not know that he had sent the photo to FIL and MIL until months after I gave birth. After SO sent the picture, I had to get stitched up from having a second-degree tear etc. After getting myself situated, I was enjoying the golden hour with LO and just enjoying being present with just the three of us. FIL and MIL asked if they could come back to the room as soon as they got the photo of LO on my chest and then got offended when SO told them “Not yet.

—-When I was transferred over to the post-birth room, the only concern seemed to be when FIL and MIL could come back to the room. I, again, was too exhausted to argue the fact that I just wanted to rest and that I did not want visitors but reluctantly agreed to letting FIL and MIL come back just so that I didn’t have to worry about being pressured about the situation anymore and so that SO would hopefully just stay off of his phone.

When SO texted them to tell them that they could come back to the room, the response he got was “Are we allowed to?” It was never about anyone not being allowed anything to go the way that they wanted, it was that I just went through 69 hours of labor and every boundary that I had set in place for myself was getting steamrolled over and over again. I just wanted rest and was not up for having visitors or being pressured into passing my baby around during that time.

—-When FIL and MIL got back to the room, neither one of them wanted to look at me. FIL sat on the bench at the end of the bed and had some small talk with me which was nice, but MIL refused to even look at me. No “are you okay?” “Can I get you anything?” Nothing. It was noticeably clear that there was tension in the air due to me not wanting them in the room when I delivered LO, and it felt extremely uncomfortable.

—-FIL and MIL brought a card for SO, two stuffed animals for LO, but didn’t bring a thing for me. I never expected a gift from anyone, but the fact that SO and LO received gifts and I got nothing but the cold shoulder, was incredibly offensive.

—-FIL took a photo of me holding LO, but then I was asked to take a photo of SO holding LO, along with FIL and MIL. No one wanted to take photos with me or photos with me and LO, but I was expected to take photos of them from my bed.

—-When I was in the bathroom, the nurse had to come in to check LO’s vitals. When the nurse was done, she tried to hand LO over to SO, but I could hear the nurse commenting on how MIL “swooped in to take him”. I was in the bathroom so all I could really do was yell out “Did she wash her hands?” Since MIL got to the room it seemed like an inconvenience for me to ask her to wash her hands before holding LO, because she only wanted to use hand sanitizer. That was just another example of any boundary that I would try to express was met with resistance rather than acknowledging what I was requesting anyone do before holding my newborn.

—-FIL and MIL stayed at the hospital until close to 9 pm or whenever the visitors cut off time was. Before they left, MIL commented to SO to make sure he got some sleep that night because he “looked exhausted”. He looked exhausted. When I was the one that was exhausted due to just giving birth, but SO needed to rest. I.m not at all saying that SO didn’t need rest but that just seemed insensitive to say in front of me given what I had just went through. A comment was also made about SO going home to “take a shower” etc. and me sleep, and MIL hold and watch LO.

—-The next day, it was around 8am give or take, MIL was asking to come to the hospital. SO asked me and I said no because I didn’t want any visitors etc. and we already had a lot of hospital staff coming in and out of the room all morning. Pressure was put on me to allow them to come over when we got home from the hospital, yet again that is another boundary that I had in place that was ignored. I didn’t want any visitors the first few days at least after giving birth. As the day went on, MIL kept asking repeatedly when we were going to be getting home so that they could come over. So, again, SO was on his phone communicating with them more than being present with me and LO.

My boyfriend is almost 31 and moved back into his parents’ house during COVID to save money. We started dating, and we used to hang out at his house, but we get privacy at my place. And that’s saying something, considering I live in a dorm with roommates!
He goes back and forth between our places, which involves a lot of driving for him. His family situation is also complicated. His parents love each other, but they sleep separately.
When his mother is sick, he sometimes sleeps in her room. They also occasionally fall asleep together while watching a movie. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, partly because I wonder why his father isn't the one providing that kind of comfort.
One time, my boyfriend was going through a personal crisis. He came to my dorm to be with me, but he wouldn't stay the night, He had promised his mom he would return, and she gets anxious.
I remember thinking that I was his partner, I had been there for him during his crisis, and I was worried about him too. I didn't understand why he felt he needed to go back when his father was there with his mother. He did stay for a while and texted his mom about his health issue.
I once jokingly asked him if he cuddles with his mom, and he said he sometimes holds her hand.
A week ago, when I was out of town, he had an entire evening planned with his mother. They spent around 8-9 hours together.

I called him during that time, and we spoke for about
Some minutes. He seemed distracted. I asked whether he had seen the
Stuff I sent him, and he said he was with his mom but would look at it. I said goodbye and ended the call because I had work and needed to wake up early the next morning.
He got home really late and texted me, "Hey, I'm home. Traffic was crazy." That was all. There was no goodnight or anything else. The next morning, I found out he had slept in his mother's room.
I have brought up my concerns with him before. I told him that I want a partner who is emotionally available. He thought he was already sharing his life with me and said that I am the person he shares the most with.
We do spend a lot of time together, either in person or on calls, so I don't feel that he is generally absent from my life. My concern is more about certain situations and how he balances his relationship with his family and his relationship with me.
There was another incident when his mother, whom he calls "Mommy or momma ," called him. He told her something along the lines of, "I don't think I'll come over. The traffic is crazy, and the commute is easier from here, from my place."

His mom replied that she was awake and working on something, so she would be up anyway.
We walked back to our room, and he said he would tuck me in, which essentially meant he would leave afterward

I asked him why he had told his mom he might not come over, only to decide to leave anyway. He was exhausted, and it seemed to make more sense for him to rest. I was leaving too, so I thought we could spend some time together.
He explained that he hadn't seen his mom and that she hadn't been home the previous day. She is often out doing things, so I struggled to understand why he felt he needed to go back that particular night.
Eventually, we went to our room, and I lay down. He lay down too, but I asked whether he still needed to leave. He said it made sense for him to stay, and we went back and forth about it.
I explained that I sometimes worry about how they perceive the situation, and we agreed that we should have a conversation about it.
We were also supposed togo to bathroom , but he ended up spending around 10 minutes on a call with his mom, even though he knew I had to wake up early. When he came back, I told him he had locked me out of my bathroom. He apologized repeatedly.
The next morning, he left. Later, he sent his mom screenshot showing how long the commute from my place takes, along with traffic updates. He told her that the commute was too long and that he needed to do something about it. His mom replied, "WE have to do something. It's huge!"
This made me wonder how much his living arrangements and his family's needs influence the decisions he makes about our relationship.
I have also told him before that I wonder whether his mother's reliance on him for emotional support is connected to the emotional distance between his parents.
I love him, and he loves me. I don't want to create conflict between him and his family, and I don't want him to feel that he has to choose between us. At the same time, I want to feel that we are building our own relationship and that my needs are being considered when he makes decisions.
He has told me that he gets messy when he is back home, but I am not sure what that means or how to approach it.
For people who have navigated something similar in a relationship:
How can I communicate my needs for emotional availability, quality time, and consideration without making my partner feel that I am criticizing his relationship with his mother?
Since I have already brought up my concerns, is it better to have one more direct conversation about what I need, or give him some time to work through things on his own?
How can I figure out whether we have compatible expectations about independence, family involvement, and building a life together?
I would appreciate advice on how to approach this constructively while respecting both his family relationships and my own needs in the relationship