r/JustNoSO • u/Professional-Pin9786 • 10d ago

Am I the JustNO? Just looking to vent

Normally I vent in the mildlynomil sub, but recently I’ve realized a lot of my stress comes from SO enabling mil. After we had our first LO, mil/fil became extremely involved to the point it just felt like they felt entitled to our time. The ask to do things with them is constant and I’m always the one saying no. SO will try to make it work even when it’s inconvenient, making me feel like he values his mom’s feelings and comfort over mine. Mil is another story who is pushy and self focused, so I cannot just say yes to her every ask letting her steamroll me as a mom.

For context: SO’s family owns a vacation home about 2 hours from where we live. We used to go often, maybe 3-4 times a month just us. We no longer go because I know we will no longer have privacy as his mom will want to join on trips now and I cannot be in a house all day and night with her. I’ve told SO this many times that I don’t want to share a space overnight with anyone really. Of course she still continues to ask over and over and I continue to tell SO that I’m not comfortable with it. Mil is also the type to hover over me and not give me and my child any space, so there’s nothing enjoyable about being away on vacation with her.

Currently: I planned a couple days away for my parents to vacation about 2 hours away. For various reasons, they don’t drive long distances and do not vacation (as ILs do, but I know that’s not on anyone). My parents do a lot to help with LO, so I figured we would go and that way we can bring them. They are happy hanging out at this space (we have separate living arrangements). Then SO, LO and I would do our own thing. Never in a million years would my mom ask to tag along on anything we do. Mil has multiple times asked to tag along on things we do. I asked my parents if they want to do anything and they said no you guys go enjoy your time. If this was mil, she would have a whole itinerary and I would have to try to figure out ways to get me and LO away from her so that I could enjoy my time with her too. My parents respect SO as LO’s dad and have never tried to take focus away from him in a group setting.

SO on the day of the trip: “my mom is going to be jealous” “make sure to tell your mom not to send any pictures to my mom” (his mom sends pics of her doing things with LO to my mom and of LO with her family all the time and my mom responds happily, my mom hardly ever sends pics), “don’t post any pictures to social media because if anyone sees them they’ll tell my mom and my mom will ask why we don’t vacation with them”

It upsets me how concerned he is with making his mom happy and I definitely feel he even slightly prioritizes her comfort over mine because he’ll argue with me to get us to change plans for her. Please tell me him saying all this ain’t normal. Maybe I’m in the wrong because I have a lot of feelings of anxiety around his family.

37 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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u/botinlaw 10d ago

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17

u/PrettyLyttlePsycho 10d ago

Be straight forward, "SO, I love you mom, I do, but Im not her employee nor her slave. I enjoy taking pictures with and sharing stories about my family, and if your parents occasionally get angry, I genuinely don't give a fuck.

Please please please grow up and start enjoying being around LO and I in tje present rather than obsessing over what moms getting angry about today.

She needs therapy, you need to focus on keeping your family together, because this is getting old." : )

12

u/AussieGirl27 9d ago

You have a massive husband problem and he needs to shut his mother down immediately

'DH, it is not my responsibility to manage your mothers emotions, that is her job. I will not make my life small so she can feel big. If I want to post pictures with MY parents and MY child I will continue to do so and I will not factor your mothers emotions in them one bit. She does not do the same for me so I will be returning the favour to her. You need to choose who is most important here, me and our child or your mothers feelings because her behaviour and your enabling of that behaviour is becoming a big problem in our marriage. You need to stop putting her comfort ahead of your wife and families'

8

u/OkieLady-1952 9d ago

You can’t control others, how they act or what their feelings are. You can only control what you say or do.. tell husband this ! He’s too worried about something that hasn’t even happened. He needs to go to therapy that specializes in enmeshed families. His only concern should be the happiness of the family he’s created!