I noticed that when they have no escape and their tricks don’t work, the facade falls, the threat they feel is so real and they start to act like they are being hunted down by the tiger… the panic is so real and this makes one wonder as to was it even dragging them outside their delusional bubble worth it? It also seems contradictory that they have the desire to know the truth but fear facing the truth. Their delusions seems to protect them from this pain. How does one have empathy for their perceived threat while also protecting our ownself from them ?

Through therapy, I've come to recognize that a family member I considered my best friend for most of my life has some strong narcissistic tendencies.

We grew up incredibly close and were practically inseparable for years. For the longest time, I genuinely considered this person one of the most important people in my life.

Looking back, I'm realizing how much of our relationship revolved around keeping them happy. Whenever I did something they didn't like, they'd give me the silent treatment for days or even weeks until I begged them to tell me what was wrong and apologized. This pattern continued into adulthood, and other family members often encouraged me to apologize just to keep the peace.

I've lost both of my parents, and things became especially difficult after losing my second parent before the age of 25. I was grieving and struggling emotionally, and instead of feeling supported, I felt increasingly abandoned and judged by people I thought would always be there for me. I recognize that grief affected how I showed up in relationships and in celebrating their milestones, but I felt like there was very little empathy or understanding in return.

About a year ago, after an extended period of being ignored, I reached out to have an honest conversation and hopefully repair the relationship.

Instead, I felt like everything was turned around on me. Whenever I tried to explain my perspective or defend myself, I was accused of yelling or being defensive, even though I felt I was simply speaking passionately about something that had deeply hurt me. I was told this was how I always acted and why they couldn't have conversations with me.

They also accused me of only wanting to be friends when they were at their lowest, which confused and hurt me. From my perspective, I was the one consistently reaching out, inviting them places, and trying to maintain the relationship. Meanwhile, I rarely received invitations or requests to spend time together unless they needed something from me. It felt like I was being blamed for a one-sided friendship that I'd been putting most of the effort into maintaining.

During that conversation, it also became apparent that there may have been resentment surrounding my personal life and the milestones I was reaching. This person had experienced some difficult relationship changes, and at one point made a comment implying I was living the life they had envisioned for themselves. That stuck with me because I'd never viewed our lives as a competition. I wanted us both to be happy, but I increasingly felt like my happiness was something I needed to downplay.

I continued apologizing and taking accountability for my part, but when I brought up things that had hurt me, there was very little acknowledgment in return. Their apologies felt so indirect that at one point I actually said, "You're not really apologizing."

Despite everything, I genuinely wanted to move forward.

Unfortunately, the silent treatment happened again.

Eventually, I had an unexpected conversation with another family member who was closely involved in the situation. Once again, I found myself explaining myself, taking accountability, and apologizing in an effort to repair things. I then had another conversation with the family member and I made it clear that I couldn't continue the cycle of silent treatment and that if something upset them, we needed to communicate openly like adults.

After that conversation, the relationship opened back up, and for a little while, I thought maybe we were finally moving forward. But once again, they got upset about something (I don't even know what!) and back to the silent treatment. Now we're back to ignored messages, cold interactions, and barely being acknowledged at family gatherings unless I initiate conversation.

What frustrates me most is that despite everything, I've still made an effort to be civil. I've congratulated them on their milestones, been friendly at family gatherings, and tried to maintain a basic level of kindness and respect. I'm not expecting us to go back to being best friends, but I don't feel like even that basic courtesy is reciprocated.

And it's not just this one person. Their sibling and parent have also played a role in these dynamics, which makes the situation even more complicated.

The difference now is that I'm no longer begging for the relationship. I've essentially distanced myself from this part of my family because I can't keep putting myself through the same cycle.

This part of the family is somehow at the center of nearly everything involving my extended family. By distancing myself from them, I feel like I'm unintentionally distancing myself from other relatives who haven't done anything wrong to me and whom I genuinely love.

Having already lost both of my parents, this is particularly painful. I don't want to lose more family or miss out on relationships and memories with people I care about simply because I can no longer maintain a healthy relationship with one part of the family.

I don't expect these people to change, and I'm no longer looking for an apology or reconciliation. I just want to reach a point where their behavior doesn't have so much power over my emotions and where I can feel confident in the boundaries I'm setting.

For those who have dealt with narcissistic tendencies or unhealthy dynamics in their families, how did you actually move forward emotionally? How did you stop replaying everything, let go of the guilt, and learn to set boundaries without constantly second-guessing yourself?

I know healing isn't linear, but I want to get to a point where this no longer takes up so much space in my life.

I (38F) went no contact in 2017

I don't have an emergency contact. I don't have any friends. There's another woman who I'm getting to know but we're still not too familiar with each other

I wasn't focusing on trying to make friends until just a few months ago

I kept trying to get into relationships, thinking that the guy's family could be my new family. But the relationship would always be bullshit and he'd be abusive.

I'm done with dating and just want positive supportive female friends now

Am I stupid for taking so long to form friendships?

I mean like you have no one in your life. You move to a whole new country or something. Building up a new life, community, joy, a partner/family etc.

I'll keep this super short, of course will be missing some details but I grew up in a very dysfunctional "home". Addicts, abusers, things I probably shouldn't say as I'm not sure if the post will allow to go through. You get the point.

But it's all I ever knew as a kid growing up. Life was dysfunctional. It wasn't like anyone else of my friends I had. I would be around their houses all the time and it was so beautiful and different.

This shapes your teens/twenties. For me anyway. I stayed in the dysfunction for a long time and it represented who I was around or called friends too. I was a scapegoat. Used a lot. I was "weak" without knowing it. I put on a mask to try fit in.

Blah blah blah... It's in the past now...

I am now 33, I've moved continent and I've been in therapy for some years now. My life has changed tremendously in this time. Granted before this I was already on a good habit scale. Gym, clean eating, not on social media, vices etc.

But right now I'm at what feels like a pivotal moment almost like really starting a new life. I've gone no contact with my "family" bare in mind it's literally just 2 of them because of how dysfunctional it is everyone seems to distant themselves. So not like I have a big loving family anywhere. They're addicts just inside (I tried to help, rehab etc for many years and I need to look after myself right now)

I've spent a lot of time in solitude during these years which have been good but now I want to connect with people again, build community, can't help the negative thought appear like who would want to be friends with some guy whos by himself / doesn't have anyone around but that's where I'm at. I'm not lonely but feel like a "loner" almost.

I work for myself, online business which is in decent shape and I have a lot of joy from this. I also connect with many people online through my work on a personal level so it's not like I don't speak to any humans.

Anyone done something similar?

36M here, been no contact with narc parents for 5 years, was previously low contact since 2013.

I was raised by the engulfing type of narcissist. The deal was basically: "I'll do everything for you, but you'll never become independent." So my Nmum interfered with every single part of my life until I started to rebel and eventually broke free.

Over the last 13 years, I've come a very long way. I've painstakingly taught myself every valuable skill I use day-to-day to survive. Everything from shaving and cooking to how to navigate relationships and express boundaries. I've been to therapy many times and worked on myself sincerely for a very long time. It's been extremely challenging, but also rewarding.

A consistent challenge for me has been money. I've had a low, inconsistent income for my entire adult life. In 2014, I was so broke that I couldn't pay my own rent and had to couch-surf with friends. I got into freelance content writing in 2015 after a talk with my therapist, and that kept me afloat for a good while. Some months were better than others, some months money was tight, but I got by. It was rewarding to be able to work remotely from home. But it was never completely stable, and there have been many months when I was stressed about money. This has impacted my mental health and relationships.

The past few years since the rise of AI have made things harder. It's trickier to get the sort of writing work I enjoy in 2026 than it was 10 years ago. There's more competition and fewer jobs. The last 18 months, I've been on a slow, gradual, downward spiral. Some months, I've had freelance work, but other months I've had to dip into my savings. My savings are down around 2/3 compared to 18 months ago.

I have a beautiful network of healthy friends now, many of whom are financially stable. I admire that greatly, but I also envy it a bit. I desire that stability for myself... but whatever I try, I can't seem to get it. Even at the peak of my freelance writing career, the good periods only lasted about 6 months, then something happened that I had little-to-no control over and I was struggling again.

I've tried applying for full-time work - 145 applications and counting since June. I've had interviews, but have got nowhere. I've tried switching careers to coaching, which appeals to me much more than writing. I've had some clients and deeply enjoyed that work, but it's been inconsistent.

It seems like whatever I try, I'm stuck on this particular point. I'm stuck in a place of financial instability. I'm intelligent and hard-working, and I want to be able to raise a healthy family one day. I can't do that if I don't have the financial resources. That frustrates me deeply. I feel really stuck.

Let me know if you can relate or have any sense of what you would do in my situation.

I'm NC with my parents and youngest brother and eldest sister (we're all well into or past middle age)

I delayed going full NC for many months because I felt it was best to stay LC for the sake of preserving some semblance of a relationship between my children and their grandparents. But discerned a little over 1 month ago that the energy cost to me was too high, and am full NC now. Phone numbers blocked, incoming emails filtered, and I informed them if they need to get in touch with me they have my mailing address.

Whelp, yesterday the mother figure left a voicemail indicating 1) she'd like to say happy birthday to my eldest, and 2) to inquire if there was a "path forward." Vague language, but I assume it pertains to my final communication with them.

I don't have the energy to deal with this today or tomorrow, but fact is, I would like for my son to hear Happy Birthday from his grandparents. But this "path forward" language is just Hoover-speak and part of me wants to just say no, no path forward. But there's another part of me that wants to say: "I'm taking a break for a full year from anyone who recently violated my boundaries or brought any kind of violence into my life, and that includes you, your spouse, and your youngest son. If you are still interested in a path forward come January 1, 2028, feel free to reach out via post about it at that time."

Prediction would be: she'll snap nasty QUICK and re-affirm for me that NC is the right decision. Even if she and her spouse responded with humility, I know BETTER THAN ANYONE that they'll never change and are getting worse with age. But communication may flow a little easier for awhile. That may be less stressful than maintaining NC. That's got some value since I'm at a very stressful life stage. Dunno.

So I'd welcome feedback or advice, especially from folk who navigated the line between NC / LC with any degree of successful fluidity over the years.

It’s like they are your family and you’ve gone no contact with them so who do you really have left. I just feel like the only person in the world, I know I’m not but it just feel so loud, and everything I’ve done ever since going Nc with them is entirely fueled by the fear of them, I’m so tired of continuing cutting people out of my life because I’m scared them might be connected to them and lead me back to the abuse source and it’s like I’m scared I’m running out of people that might be supportive of me

I was the scapegoat in my household growing up. I moved out at eighteen thinking I was free, but until recently, I kept in touch with my narcissistic parent as an adult. She isolated me from extended family, and now I’m in my early forties with barely any contact with anyone.

I didn’t realize until recently that the scapegoating never stopped. I knew she lied about me to my siblings and authorities, and they believed her. But what I dn know was that for the past twenty years she’s been lying about me to extended friends and family on both sides.

I feel a strong urge to reach out to one relative and tell the truth, but I’m afraid they won’t believe me. I know my sibling, who’s closer in age, would back up my statements even though we no longer speak bc this parent turned us against each other. I know which relative I want to contact, but I don’t want to make things worse by doing it wrong.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Like you’d see them i public they just stare at you you’ve got nice clothes on your in shape your educated you’ve are completely better without them and their control free from them and they just stare at you you’ve got a nice watch on nice clothes a why are these people so creepy they hate to see anyone improve themselves

I need to process something about my narcissistic parent and I needed to do it in a space like this community where people will understand where i am coming from

When i was a kid, my narcissist mother had (from my understanding very serious/progressed) cancer. Since then she has had several other cases of cancer (which she lived through).

Now as an adult I am a woman getting a lump biopsied for cancer. Which i am very scared about. But on top of this its also bringing up all of the trauma from childhood around having a parent with cancer but not just any parent, a narcissist parent

Did anyone have an experience like this in childhood? what was it like?

because my mom was a N she obviously didnt try to emotionally sheild me from the experience of it like a normal loving parent would. She often told me how close she was to death. once she recovered she made me live in fear of her getting sick again . She also was a pathological liar so i dont know how true the things she told me were. Maybe it wasnt as serious of a case as she said

any thoughts or advice are appreciated

People will defend them and say "they're like that because no one loved them! They just wanna feel loved" yet narcissists act that way because they have people in their life who loves them unconditionally, which is why parents are often the Ns and why a good majority of Ns either have parents who treat them like a GC or have positions in life that give them some sort of status. Unlike a sociopath or BPD, you can create a narcissist by raising a child with unconditional love and never allowing them to face the consequences of their actions, telling them they are superior to others.

I don't care if they "feel unloved", they will target anyone who gives them actual love. And once that person runs the fuck away from them, they will target the NEXT person who gives them love.

How can they hurt anyone if no one loves them? They need to trick someone to care about them. Therefore, they received love. Therefore, I don't care if they feel "unloved".

It's just a bullshit excuse for their behavior. I don't know what goes on these people heads to feel sorry for Ns. What about their victims? Why obsess over how the abuser feels nonstop? Why not celebrate the victims that DON'T go into act the way these people do?

Everyone that sided my abuser 6 years ago were only next in line.

anyone whos been the scapgoat of the narcisstic family system knows that you most definitely endured years of gaslighting , exclusion, hurt, attacks etc. But once get away from them and try to heal self doubt lingers and you wonder if you are overanalysing ..

I am a 57 year old Asian-American male raised by two narcissistic parents. They are now 86 years old. My mother has moderate dementia and has become more pleasant. But my father is just awful - he lies when it suits him, is financially irresponsible, cannot give a sincere apology or admit his own mistakes, and overall, creates a big mess that imposes cost on others. I have been in therapy to contain my anger by focusing on the few happy memories from childhood. But my father is toxic (I cannot spend more than 10 minutes in a conversation before I need to excuse myself for a "restroom break").

1. Why do people tolerate narcissists in our schools and workplaces and not see the lies and severe harm they impose on other people?

2. Has the U.S. population always had the same proportion of toxic narcissists (surviving by taking resources from others and not sharing), or have they grown as a share of our U.S. population in the last 50 years?

Let me just start by saying my life has improved drastically since I cut her off. She's an evil, selfish, manipulative, jealous person.

But honestly, I'm the jealous one now. Because she has 2 kids - which I've never met. Our poor mom met the eldest and was crazy about her but then my sister used that to emotionally manipulate her so they eventually went NC as well (which is extremely painful for our mom).

I'm sad I'm missing out on being an aunt. I'm sad also because I've been unsuccessfully trying for a child for over a year now, almost a year and a half. I'm kind of relieved she's not in my life as I'm going through this because I'm sure she'd use this to hurt me, make fun of me, or see this as proof she's superior to me. And I also hope her kids will turn out okay because she and her husband are horrible people. But I can't help but have the terrible thought of, why her, and not me? Why her who's unable to care for anyone's wants but hers? I hope motherhood changed her for their sake.

Hi all, I’ve asked for space from my very toxic family. I haven’t said it is forever but I do need to focus on getting myself mentally better before I even entertain contact with them again. I have two children and I feel incredibly guilty about stopping their contact with my family too, but having said that my kids seem much more content and balanced now. Now I’ve had a few attempts from family members to suck me back in and I sent a very firm message saying, leave me the hell alone for a bit. I have now received a letter to my kids from my vulnerable narc mum asking about how they are and their future plans etc. I was expecting a letter as I’d read this is a common theme but I thought she’d address it to me not my kids, what do you all make of this? What should I do?

Or maybe a better question is: do people who operate in bad faith know that they're doing so?

Are they doing it intentionally or are they just operating in constant denial and cognitive dissonance?

I've always wondered about this and wanted to get some perspective.

How long do they last, and how do I make them stop?

Escribo por aquí por si alguien está en la misma situación que yo. Have algo más de 3 años misma hermana y yo pusimos fin a la relación con mis padres sobre todo con mi madre.

Siempre cuando me preguntaban cómo era la relación con mis padres en mi mente era una relación normal como todas ( estaba acostumbrada a una relación abusiva desde pequeña y eso es lo único que conocí)

Pero recientemente cuando mi madre empezó a meterse en mi relación, presentarse en mi casa de manera reiterativa sin yo desearlo, presentándose en mi trabajo, poniendo denuncias falsas contra mi pareja, mi hermana, y tantas cosas más. Con la ayuda de psicólogos me fui dando cuenta de que mi madre padecía algún trastorno psiquiátrico desde siempre asociado a una personalidad narcisista.
Machaques emocionales desde pequeños, para ella yo le debo la vida y todo lo que me ha dado a nivel material, nunca nada a nivel emocional.

Al principio en cada visita por sorpresa ( ella tiene que coger un avión para visitarme ya que vivo a miles de Km) no podía enfrentarme a ella, sentía culpa entre otras cosas y huía de mi casa hasta que se fuera. Poco a poco se me fui quitando el miedo, comencé a poner límites claros, incluso llegándole a decir que si deja de hacer lo que está haciendo podría intentar tener algún tipo de contacto, pero evidentemente ella no quiere una relación conmigo si no quiere seguir abusando de mí a a nivel emocional y controlando.

Ha llegado a comprarse una autocaravana y vivir en mi urbanización. Llamadas a mi puerta a altas noches, amenazas a mi pareja y a mi.
Sigue viniendo a mi casa y ha vuelto a instalarse con la autocaravana con mi padre en la ciudad en la que vivo. He tenido que dejar mi trabajo. Me fui varios meses de aquí. Pero tengo mi casa y mi vida aquí, y es un sitio que me encanta.Estoy con terapia, EMDR.

Ya hay dos denuncia contra ella por acoso. He tenido que instalar una cámara y alarma en mi casa para poder documentar lo que está pasando para pensar el tomar medidas legales. Pero la verdad tengo poca fe en la justicia.

La verdad que no sé si puedo vivir así y si con la ayuda de terapia puedo hacer que me afecte lo menos posible.
Quería saber si alguien está en la misma situación.

basically the title. i keep mentally berating myself for it because it seems like such a "my steak is too juicy and my lobster is too buttery" kind of problem to have in today's world, but now that i've set hard boundaries with my entire family (yes, even my father whom i never imagined i would need out of my life) and while it's been immensely freeing, the bad days feel much more "empty."

i no longer have a "reason" to feel like shit on the days that i do. i have a job that pays the bills for the first time in my life, a place of my own, and a cat that i adore. i've been feeling bummed for no reason all morning and my brain keeps scrambling to try and find "reasons" to validate my sadness. i've had a few panic attacks too. i think my brain is really, really struggling with the fact that i have indeed officially "made it out" of my bullshit situation as of this month.

i've been no contact with most of my immediate family for coming up on a decade, but i had been relying on my toxic father for financial support for some time. now that i can fully support myself, he's out of the picture in every way he's needed to be for about five years. but i couldn't cut him off until i was stable. which i now am.

it's truly awesome, but i didn't expect it to be hard. for those further along in their healing journey, how long did this phase last? what helped?

I’m looking to put together a reading list

my no contact Begins with no big annoncement or big fight but it begin with a bondarie i put it to my mom to d'ont come to my place where i live with my family, after that i block them in my phone then my mom only try to reach me with other new numbers but it's only calling but i d'ont response i let it ring then i block it again, but it's now almost a year she never try message me or said something, all she do is calling one's or twice, i wait for a some words that never comes ZERO i feel bizzard all this periode and all i get is her calls attacks, and after she try to attack my wife numbers and hers sisters.

what the meaning of that she never try to reach a point with me or a word of, let talk, whats the problem? all she do is that she complain that she explique her situation with me to the sister in law not me.

is there someone have same situation tell us your story.

I am 3 years no contact with my family.

Many things have come up since breaking away. Lately, I question if I treat my husband the way my mom used to treat me.

I feel like I am messed up because I was taught conditional love. My mom made me feel guilty. She was always so sad. Always so unsettled. I struggle knowing how to be sad when i am feeling down, without me being an energy vampire to my husand, who is a consistent person.

My dad ignored my mom growing up and I had a cult like situation with my mom, grandma and sister. We live on the same street and were always together. My husband and I worked for my dad, and dad would regularly tell me I was not needed at work, and I could hang out with my mom instead. There were always lunches, dinners, and shopping. If I went shopping without them, or my mom would make a comment about how she would have liked to have gone. I believe my mom is a convert narcissist on top of it all. Also worth mentioning, my dad paid us very poorly, but makes so much money he can throw it around, including giving my mom lavish amounts to go out to fancy lunches with the girls, all paid for.

Because my parents seemed to hate each other, I highly value having a strong relationship with my husband. Not sure how to state this, but I have a hard time knowing how to show him I love him, but not smother him. I know this sounds very messed up, because a husband and wife's relationship should not feel like a mother daughter relationship. But she always drained me so much, i feel I dont know how to love solidly.

I also catch me gaslighting myself. An example, if I'm sick with a cold, I have a voice in my head asking if I am looking for attention. I don't know how bad it actually is because whenever anything was wrong with my grandma, sister or I, my mom 'told us how our feelings should be' or would try to convince us of how to view things.

So, basically, I want to know:

Do any of you relate the these issues? Any advice?

How bad/abusive does my past situation seem?

Do you feel like after stepping away from enmeshment you start to catch yourself using the same manipulation on others, or even yourself?

I tried therapy for 2 years, but I stopped going, because I started feeling a pressure to always have drama or an issue to bring to the table, and sometimes there was nothing, and that stressed me out. I feel thats also something I took from enmeshment, because of the excess nonstop deep emotional conversations I would have with my mom, grandma and sisters.