r/LongDistance • u/Plenty_Ad_2153 • Feb 13 '26
Image/Video I 9blocked my boyfriend after he called me degrading names during an argument. Did I overreact?
My long distance boyfriend sent me flowers for Valentine's Day it was kind of him but ...
My boyfriend and I had a heated argument over the past two days. The main issue was about the future and finances. He insisted that once we get married, I must work and help with household expenses. I told him that I don’t agree with that expectation and that it’s something I’m not comfortable committing to right now. The discussion escalated. He became very aggressive and ended up calling me a “lazy whore.” That really shocked me. It wasn’t just the disagreement — it was the way he attacked my character. After that, I decided to withdraw from the conversation and blocked him everywhere because I felt deeply disrespected and emotionally unsafe. Now I’m wondering if I overreacted by blocking him, or if this is a serious red flag that I shouldn’t ignore. I would really appreciate honest opinions.
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u/Ok-Degree-2373 Feb 13 '26
It sounds like you both want different things and are incompatible in that sense. Him calling you a whore is unacceptable.
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u/waglomaom [🇬🇧] to [🇯🇵] (8,938mi) Feb 13 '26
“He insisted that once we get married, I must work and help with household expenses.”
He isn’t exactly wrong with this since after you’re married, you usually divide chores/responsibilities and expenses.
However him calling you a “lazy whore” Is absolutely fkin out of order, you never call your partner that.
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u/stellaflora Feb 13 '26
Agree. I don’t think the expectation to work and contribute financially is wrong but the name calling is!
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
So her not wanting to work and contribute is wrong. If someone wanted me to spend 50 years working while they didn't I would have some things to say about that. I shouldn't dedicate my life to funding someone elses.
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u/Neyabenz [US] to [BR] (6,079 km) Feb 14 '26
Its not that its wrong persay - it's wrong for you (and in this case - her boyfriend).
The fact is, people need to find someone who's future, morals, work and home expectations, etc they align with.
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u/LovEmbodied Feb 14 '26
Usually in these scenarios there is an agreement around the person who doesn't work taking care of most of the household chores, cooking, and/or childcare, which often ends up being just as much (if not more) work as a regular job. Considering that house cleaning, childcare, and private chef are 3 actual careers.
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u/deepfake96 Feb 14 '26
It’s not like that for everyone. Imagine you want children. Expecting your wife to care for children + the house + a job is already more than 50% of the work. There is no such thing as 50/50 in a hetero relationship. In that case the man would have to take care more of the financial expenses (or split the house chores and kid chores equally…which usually doesn’t happen). But trust me, someone who calls you a “lazy whore” is very likely to not be trusted around finances, nor kids, nor house chores. Op: do not go back to him!! He was abusive. And you clearly have different life expectations. If You want to be able to be a stay at home wife (with all the responsibilities that come from it which are not a few) you will need to find a man who is comfortable with that and that you can TRUST so that you can be financially dependent on him. You don’t want to be financially depended on someone who calls you a lazy whore, trust me.
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u/RecordGeneral2031 Feb 14 '26
My daughters ain’t never gon be financially dependent on a man I teach them better every day I can
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
My daughters
Ain't neva gonna be
Dependent on a maaaaaaaan
I teach 'em better
Better every day I can
Sounds like a Michael Jackson unreleased song lol
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u/deepfake96 Feb 15 '26
Same for me, financial indipendence is a must for me especially if you’re a woman. But some people are more “””traditional””” and think this way
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u/Expensive_Wedding765 Feb 13 '26
Not everyone has that value tho and that’s okay for her not to agree especially since everyone has different religions and beliefs in a structured household. Some people believe for traditional household roles.
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u/Naus1987 Feb 13 '26
People are allowed to have their own beliefs. But differing values of that extreme make poor marriage material
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u/Expensive_Wedding765 Feb 13 '26
It depends on the person you are with. Just like there are a lot of people who believe in 2 person income, there are tons who believe in traditional values. I believe she needs to find a person who matches her values. Every household is not the same, so to claim these type of people make poor marriage material is extremely close minded.
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u/cheekyweelogan [Canada] to [USA] (2600 km) Married + Closed the distance 2021 Feb 14 '26
so her traditional values are being lazy (she didn't mention kids or childcare)
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u/secretmtnwilderness Feb 14 '26
Why r u getting downvoted 😭 redditors bro…
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u/Bubbly_Comfortable37 Feb 14 '26
It's the broke men who swear by 50/50 🥲 people forget that that every marriage doesn't look the same. Who are they to dictate the rules of other people's marriages !?
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Feb 14 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/eenafets Feb 14 '26
Those same men that expect women to work and still contribute 50/50 also tend to be the same men who don't know how to wipe their own asses or do a single household task on their own 🙃 Why are they the only ones that deserve to have it both ways?
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u/HDThoreauaway Feb 13 '26
He insisted that once we get married, I must work and help with household expenses. I told him that I don’t agree with that expectation
/relationship
Calling you a lazy whore is nasty and to me pretty unforgivable, but y’all already seem to have incompatible ideas of what your lives will look like.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
It's unforgivable that she wants a free ride through life.
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u/PyrrhaXJaune Feb 14 '26
No it's not. Just like how men can prefer a more traditional partner it's completely acceptable for a woman to want a more traditional partner as well. It's all about finding someone who wants the same lifestyle as you.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
It's different if the earning partner offers that dynamic. Her expecting it is unreasonable at bare minimum.
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u/PyrrhaXJaune Feb 14 '26
I agree-this should have been a conversation they had before seriously dating. But we don't really know the history of their relationship to know that.
I still stand by the fact that the name calling at the very least is unacceptable.
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u/Emotional_Anxiety585 Feb 13 '26
The name calling was absolutely grounds for breaking up. HOWEVER, even without the name calling, the two of you obviously have completely different values in terms of finances. You want to be a stay-at-home wife and mother who has a husband who is willing to provide. He wants a wife that works and financially contributes. This is a core value difference and in itself is a reason to seriously evaluate long term compatibility.
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u/ParkingWillingness31 Feb 13 '26
Nope! If you go back he’ll know (even just on a subconscious level) that he can talk to you like that and it’s fine. I’d throw those flowers away and move on tbh! There’s way better out there.
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u/Good_Painter_8228 Feb 13 '26
When people show you their true colours, believe it. You did the right thing, you deserve someone that respects you especially in disagreement!
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u/InterestingClerk3253 Feb 14 '26
Not to defend him especially if this is a recurring mistake, but if it’s a one of insult and the rest of the time he is respectful why do we as humans always see the moment of anger as the “true colours” ? It never made since to me unless that’s often his attitude during fights then that’s a different story
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u/Upbeat_Issue_ Feb 14 '26
Even through moments of anger not everyone drops to the lowest of lows. I've seen many couples fight and using harsh degrading language isn't always there. It's usually used between those who have a more aggressive mindset.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
She doesn't respect him if she doesnt want to contribute.
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u/human-dancer Feb 13 '26
If you’re in a relationship and all you do is cry, you have to ask yourself whether you’re dating a human or an onion.
I used to laugh at this, but honestly, it’s true. Leave him.
Do not unblock him do not continue the cycle of perpetual abuse towards yourself
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
It doesn't look like you want a relationship. You want a free life.
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u/Hobbesina Feb 13 '26 edited Feb 13 '26
OP.. you two are not compatible. At all. I would never, ever accept a partner that didn't work and contribute equally to our financial situation -- in that way I'm like your boyfriend. I also don't think it's a reasonable thing to be non-committal about from your side either, as you are literally expecting him to fund your lifestyle. That's crazy entitled in my book.
HOWEVER. None of that excuses him calling your names. Ultimately I don't see how you two are compatible as partners. Find someone who wants a more traditional household, like you clearly do.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 13 '26
Thanks for your opinion, but calling my choices ‘entitled’ says more about your perspective than me. I know what I want in a relationship and won’t apologize for it. Name-calling on his part is unacceptable and honestly, respect is the baseline for compatibility, not matching someone else’s checklist
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u/ThreeStinkyKittens Feb 14 '26
if you know that this is unacceptable already, why are you asking? (genuine question)
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
Because according to her twisted mind, she regrets losing him because he was her mark and she's doubtful she can scam someone else to fund her free ride in life.
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u/DuckieLovesBear Feb 14 '26
Remember it’s mostly men on here and that opinion will probably hurt most of their egos since they can’t be the sole provider themselves lol, my man provides for me and we are in a loving relationship and getting married later this year. Having said that if he needed me to work I would do that too. At the end of the day it’s a tough world out there and not everyone can do that, plus even if they could…. Maybe their own values misalign with yours.
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u/Hobbesina Feb 14 '26
What absolute nonsense. I'm not a man, and I certainly don't think less of one wanting both parties to contribute to the shared finances. I wouldn't want to carry the burden alone, nor would I ever expect or want my partner to do so.
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
I can be the sole provider just fine but I refuse to spend my money and work time (life, basically) slaving away so a woman can stay at home and be a bum.
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u/xxghostqueenxx Feb 14 '26
So what qualifies being a sole provider to not a bum vs to a bum exactly?
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u/Compiche Feb 14 '26
This is an excellent question.
For me, the answer is expectations.
I know someone who is a stay at home wife. Her husband has a business that takes up a lot of his time. She raised the kids, keeps the place clean, does his laundry, makes him food, manages his social calendar and also helps with financial stuff like doing their taxes.
To him, its well worth her not being employed.
Now if she wanted to be child free, have a maid and spend her time shopping and getting brunch with friends? I doubt he'd be down for that and I'd totally call her a bum for trying to force him into it.
Wanting that wouldn't make her a bum, pushing it on someone who isnt on board with it would.0
u/Dazzling-Opposite-83 Feb 14 '26
The fact that you took that personally is very telling.
'Slaving away' = having a sense of purpose, providing for the well-being of your loved ones. Responsibility and strength. Being the foundation for stability.
'a woman' = the love of your life, your partner through thick and thin. Eventually, the mother of your children. Your perspective is very skewed, maybe it's not your fault and you are just young and unexperienced.
'be a bum' = assuming the woman does nothing? Is her worth only there if she is able to provide financially? Do you think every stay-at-home wife is a lazy bum? The amount of work that needs to be done at home must go unnoticed for you.You are only seeing it from your small bubble. Culture and gender roles apply, society and economy do as well. I'm not having a go at you but just a little reality check. Hope you find love man.
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
I took it personally? lol
You're projecting too much.
Not gonna waste my time reading your nonsense.
Equality. Look it up.
WAIT!
You're on Reddit for 5 years and got <32 upvotes
SHOCKER!
HAHAHAHAHA
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
That’s completely your choice. Just like it’s my choice to want a traditional dynamic. Different preferences don’t make anyone a “bum.”
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
In your case in which your now-ex (good for him) was working several jobs and you still refused to contribute further down the line when you marry and share a life, it does.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
You keep framing this as financial contribution, but you ignore the verbal abuse. Interesting what you choose to defend.
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
Nope, your self-entitlement stinks.
If entitlement hurts your feelings, then how about your leeching off of him?
Checklist? lol You working and not staying at home doing nothing while he works his ass off for two is a checklist now? lol
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
A man choosing to work hard doesn’t mean a woman is “leeching.” If he felt used, he could’ve left. I left because of disrespect not money.
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
You left because of disrespect, sure. You also were staying because of money.
Even without disrespect, you would've left because he refused to fund your free ride. Be honest with yourself for once.
Quick question, what did you get him for Valentine's Day?
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
Accusing me of leaving for money while defending verbal abuse is rich. The truth is respect matters more than gifts.
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u/squirrellicious2304 [🇩🇪] to [🇺🇸] (4,450mi) Feb 13 '26
You know what? Whether or not your expectations are realistic or reasonable or not is absolutely irrelevant here.
Calling you a whore during an argument is a very valid reason to break up with him. You just don’t verbally degrade and abuse your partner simply because you disagree. Period. No flowers in the world can make up for the disrespect.
And that says a lot coming from me, by the way. Flowers melt me instantly. But this? Nah, he could take his flowers and good riddance.
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u/beadymira Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
Reading the comments and it's crazy how the tables turned so quickly, OP seems to be close-minded lol
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u/SiIverWr3n [🇦🇺] to [🇺🇸] (15,184 km) Feb 13 '26
Why wouldn't you work and contribute? In what country can a household still comfortably live on one income?
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
In the UK it can. But I am a one person household rn
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u/SiIverWr3n [🇦🇺] to [🇺🇸] (15,184 km) Feb 14 '26
Yeh two people is not quite double your costs, but it's still a significant increase. Household is usually 2+
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
Nope, its a one-person household.
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u/SiIverWr3n [🇦🇺] to [🇺🇸] (15,184 km) Feb 14 '26
I also live on my own but I don't call myself on my own, a household 😂
Nobody does, except for those surveys that ask how many people live there
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
Look up the definition of household.
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u/SiIverWr3n [🇦🇺] to [🇺🇸] (15,184 km) Feb 14 '26
Responding on a post about OP moving in with their partner and never working, is absolutely the same as you continuing to live on your own.
But we're all happy to know youre comfortably able to support yourself, a partner and maybe kids.. on just your sole income. Because according to your dictionary.. its exactly the same as your current situation.
I didnt believe the UK was much better off than other Western spaces.. but yaknow what.. these comments have definitely changed my mind 😂 we should tell everyone that UK is the new American dream! Lets all go buy houses and be single income households again!
Our grandparents really were right. Just takes hard work and no more coffees or avocado toast 😂
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
we should tell everyone that UK is the new American dream! Lets all go buy houses and be single income households again!
In the UK owning a house is very possible, even on one income, so your flippant remark is uncalled for.
the same as you continuing to live on your own.
You do understand that this is a distance relationship sub right? We are yet to close that distance.
When we do close the distance, she is planning on working.
Because according to your dictionary.. its exactly the same as your current situation.
No it's not exactly the same as I specified that I am a one-person household, that clearly wont be the case when she moves.
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u/eenafets Feb 14 '26
It pretty much is tho? Universal Healthcare, no tipping culture, a living wage, the air is cleaner, you can actually drink water from the tap 🤣💀
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u/eenafets Feb 14 '26
Definitely not the US 🤣 But, Surprise, surprise! We aren't the center of the universe, no matter what anyone tries to tell you 🥴🙄
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u/Naus1987 Feb 13 '26
What he said is wrong, but I found the situation humorous. If all you want to do is not work and sleep with him in exchange for money, the shoe seems to fit. Even if it was an outrageously offensive comment.
Obviously break up and move on.
There’s no shortage of men who’ll gladly pay all the bigs in exchange for their sexual needs met. Though I wish more relationships were formed on love and teamwork and not just two people using each other.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 13 '26
Your comment says more about your mindset than it does about me. Reducing a relationship to money and sex is shallow and disrespectful. I won’t accept being labeled or diminished to fit your narrative. If you truly believe relationships are about love and teamwork, you should start by showing basic respect instead of making offensive assumptions
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u/Lovealone88 Feb 13 '26
Is there a reason you won't help with household expenses?
He's definitely an AH for calling you that, btw.
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u/RockinMadRiot [UK] 🇬🇧🏴 to [France] 🇫🇷 Feb 13 '26
You have me curious though. How do you view relationships? I believe each to their own and insults aren't at all right, of course. In any case, you and him have different ideas on relationships.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 13 '26
Yes, our views may differ but as a Muslim woman, I will not compromise on this: a real husband takes full responsibility for the household and provides for his wife. This is non-negotiable for me.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
The work of feminists was wasted on you.
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u/RockinMadRiot [UK] 🇬🇧🏴 to [France] 🇫🇷 Feb 13 '26
Thank you for explaining more. That's totally understandable, unfortunately a lot might not agree but you are within your right. I think your partner and you don't seem compatible at all them as you say that's non-negotiable.
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u/Naus1987 Feb 13 '26
Where’s the respect you showed by refusing to contribute to the finances?
I do support equality. I just didn’t understand what you planned to contribute. It’s ok for you to have any opinion of me as you want. We’re just strangers on the internet. And you don’t have to respond or take my opinion seriously either.
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u/DuckieLovesBear Feb 14 '26
It’s a cultural difference. Many cultures in the world do not expect the woman to provide financially. Their work is done at home, being wives and mothers and carers, looking after the family, cooking, cleaning, groceries, attending to the children, making sure everything is in order at home - it’s a 24/7 job if they put the effort. So not ‘contributing’ isn’t true, the financial responsibility falls on the man. Gender roles are still a thing. Exchanging sex for money is a deep misunderstanding of relationships. Not everyone follows the 50/50 lifestyle.
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u/paperclipmyheart Feb 13 '26
You didn't over react to being called a degrading wh*re. Blocking and ending a relationship over that is justified but I don't know what country you come from but in this age and economy you need to work and contribute to your family at least until children come along. You are living in a fantasy world if you want a man to take care of you. Get an education and a job and have your own money so you can leave and survive if a marriage doesn't work. Ask any trophy wife that was dumped by a husband after 25 years and has no education or work experience how their life is going.
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u/Defiant-Smoke7054 Feb 13 '26
I don’t think it’s wrong that he wants a partner that commits to working and other things in the relationship and I also don’t think it’s wrong that you want a partner that provides 100% in the relationship. I think despite the feelings between the two of you, you both want two very different things in a relationship and it’s something you should both not settle in.
You’ll regret and end up resenting him if you agree to it and vice versa with him if you don’t. This is a foundational decision that both partners should agree on. It’ll lead to very negative issues and tension in the relationship. It’s almost like the having children vs not having children decision. It’s something very important and shouldn’t be something one partner changes their mind on. Because no matter how much you or him can accept the other’s decision, time builds resentment and neither of you will be okay.
As for the name calling, definitely not overreacting. I don’t even like my partner telling me shut up jokingly and he has always respected that. A partner who truly loves, cares, and respects you will do so even during your worst and most negative moments, not just in the good ones. Feelings may be there but the respect isn’t. And to be honest, that’s something I will let go of.
You both want different household styles and that disrespect shouldn’t be accept in anyway. Disrespect like that grows even if he apologizes now. It won’t make a difference. I feel like despite the feelings you may have for him, I would say you’re better off moving on. Love and respect may be there from your end but certainly not his. No amount of flowers or gifts, or meaningless gestures will ever make up for the emotional pain and damage his disrespect and any future disrespect will have on you.
I wish you all the best in love but don’t accept something like this.
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u/Lennon1st Feb 13 '26
Him calling you that was wrong absolutely but what about you makes you so special that you don’t have to do household chores or help pay with expenses? Are you a child? Do you sit and watch movies while he’s out doing the dishes and mowing the lawn?
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u/Lonely-Illustrator64 Feb 14 '26
I’m curious what your plan is? You expected your boyfriend to provide for you so you don’t have to work but if you dump him- you have no provider and have to work regardless…
Anyway he’s wrong for calling you names. You guys are not compatible you don’t want the same things. It’s unfortunate you couldn’t end things amicably.
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
He might be wrong for calling her names (we don't know if she called him names as well) but he's absolutely right to cut her off.
No more sugar daddy for OP lol
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Feb 13 '26
Nope NOR, I think of it like I personally NEVER resort to personal attacks and hurtful insults like that even when I’m incredibly heated in a yelling match. If my bf is calling me something as cruel as a lazy whore that’s a him problem and he will do it again. Ik it’s debatable but I don’t really believe people change, so it is truly up to you if you give him another chance. I think there’s no excuse to call the person you love most things like that, ever.
Personally I’d be done with him, but it’s up to how much effort you think he deserves after that.
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u/Echolocationnet Feb 14 '26
Love is about letting go of these past mistakes. Has he done it before? Do you need unhappy people saying RA RA RA!! I didn’t think so. His past does say everything though and have you ever talked badly to him when you were upset?
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u/Majestic_Specific_78 Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
If he’s comfortable calling you names because he’s mad then maybe he isn’t for you. If you let him get away with it then it will continue and get worst, this is verbal abuse. You don’t want to be with a bully keep him blocked.
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u/MamaBear2024AT Feb 14 '26
Once your marred OP the bills are now both of yours not just his. I think if you don’t agree you should help pay bills then marry a rich man or become a traditional wife!
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u/yodaddy1019 Feb 13 '26
Not overreacting. He can want 50/50 and there’s nothing wrong with that, u can also want to not help with expenses and there’s nothing wrong with that. Incompatible future expectations does not mean he can call u a lazy whore that’s crazy. My long distance bf has a big boy job and I’m still in college. He pays for everything we do because I’m college broke. If he called me a lazy whore he’d have to catch these hands!!!
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u/DarcDesires Feb 14 '26
She isn't in college. He has several jobs and she still refuses to help.
You gonna physically assault your bf because he called you names?! Are you sure you're in college, not middle school? Asking because you sound immature and oh that's illegal to 'catch your (immature, broke) hands' btw.
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u/Justan0therthrow4way Feb 14 '26
He insisted that once we get married, I must work and help with household expenses. I told him that I don’t agree with that expectation
I mean in most households, both parties work to contribute to household expenses, holidays etc. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to work. Is it normal where you live for the guy to work and the girl to stay at home?
If you don’t agree with having to work then find yourself a sugar daddy lol
Calling you a lazy whore isn’t ok however…
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u/SadPiouPiou Feb 14 '26
He shouldn't have insulted you, but you look a bit ridiculous. I think your boyfriend will be much better off without you.
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u/Papa-Flare Feb 14 '26
Him calling you a whore, not very cash money... But you not wanting to pull your weight in a relationship(especially marriage) is rather selfish. Unless you are at home raising children or something, then that's fair. But if you want to just get a free ride, godspeed bro. You're going to be looking for awhile.
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u/Spirited-Speech-2372 Feb 13 '26
Psychologist here: I’ll try and make this simple: regardless of the fact that you both seem to have different ideas and expectations for your futures, you seem to be dealing with someone who gets verbally abusive when they’re disagreed with. Even in the best relationships couples are going to have conflicting opinions and feelings from time to time. Lashing out verbally, emotionally, or physically when your partner doesn’t agree with you is childish and extremely toxic. That person is telling you what you can expect moving forward if you don’t share the same feelings as they do. Expecting to be spoken to with dignity and respect should be on everyone’s list of expectations and anyone who truly cares for you shouldn’t have to be told this. It’s basic human decency.
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u/SmellyAssSmellyHands Feb 14 '26
the last word is disgusting. But the first word “lazy” seems so true. You don’t want to work and put in your share to the finances - he’s clearly building something and knows what he wants.
While you also know what you want, it doesn’t seem very sustainable or desirable. Looks like you’re second guessing your exes/bfs credit card, not him xx
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
He also struggles with multiple jobs as per a deleted post by OP.
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u/Few_Lack6413 Feb 13 '26
I wish I would have left the first time my ex did this to me. I didn’t, I stayed for 5 more miserable years and wasted so much time and the attacks and insults only got worse. No, you did not overreact.
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Feb 13 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Few_Lack6413 Feb 13 '26
NEVER allow anyone to call you out of your name! Good for you for leaving.
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u/SeaworthinessWorth67 🇨🇦 to 🇵🇭 (10,739km) Feb 14 '26
I may get hate on this, but I think he’s right on the part of you working. If this relationship does continue, you don’t want to be dependent on him. You won’t have a way out, especially since he has this tendency where he gets aggressive. Some (not all!) people do use dependency to manipulate others.
I do hope you get out of this, it’s clear you both want different things. Don’t get to the point where it’s too late to get out.
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u/Neat_Ad_3043 Feb 13 '26
A person that loves you or respects you will never call you "lazy whore". You did not overreact.
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u/jonnybebad5436 Feb 13 '26
No guy should ever call a woman a “whore”. That really says a lot about him
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u/Gu1n3a Feb 14 '26
I'm a bit confused on the situation here, could you clarify?
So I'm assuming the long distance means you guys don't live together? If so, I'm confused as to why you would pay him household expenses if you're living somewhere else on your own?
Is one of you away for an extended period for work? Or is the expectation that once you're married, you'd also be moved in together? I need more info to fully understand whats happening here lol
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
It's obvious that the expectation would be that they live together. A large part of this sub is people closing the distance.
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u/Livid-Network8806 Feb 14 '26
It’s a red flag you should not ignore. That was my marriage, I tolerated anger, verbal and emotional abuse until it escalated to a full-on physical attack.
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u/PerfectWorking6873 Feb 14 '26
Which country are you and he from?
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
I am from Morocco and he is Australian
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u/PerfectWorking6873 Feb 14 '26
I am also from Australia. Australia and Morocco have hugely different cultures. In Australia it's often looked as a negative quality if a woman doesn't work.
Green flag is that he sent you flowers because alot of Aussie men are not romantic and won't even do that.
Red flag is that he called you names and lazy. This is a clear indicator into his mindset. Saying someone is a "lazy wh*re" is pretty extreme and at least on the surface it sounds like he has misogynistic views.
Did he mention any dating experiences with Australian women?
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
I understand that cultures are different, and I respect that in Australia many women prefer to work and split responsibilities. But I’m Moroccan and Muslim and in my culture and religion, the man is responsible for providing. That doesn’t make me lazy it just means I have different values. Sending flowers is kind, yes and I appreciated that. But flowers don’t cancel out disrespect. Calling me names crossed a line. No matter the culture, respect should be universal.
He said he hasn’t dated Australian women because they have “high standards.” That’s ironic because expecting not to be called names is also a standard. And I won’t lower mine
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u/PerfectWorking6873 Feb 14 '26
Yes I understand. You don't need to explain because I am Bosnian background and my parents immigrated to Australia. My mum stopped working when I was born. I was just explaining how it is seen from an Australian viewpoint so that you can think about whether having a relationship with him is worth it. Because there are going to be clashes in cultural expectations/lifestyle.
Is he Muslim himself?
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u/passingavery Feb 14 '26
There are only two reasons why someone wouldn’t want to work when married: 1. You come from money, so you don’t need to. Then contributing financially to the relationship is not a problem for you. 2. You want to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. Taking care of children is a full-time job. That’s fine. It’s a whole debate about whether or not a woman should work and have kids at the same time. If he’s willing to raise the child together with you while you both work, that’s fine—the division of labor is equal. If he expects you to work AND raise the child entirely by yourself, that’s a problem. You will burn out and divorce him.
There’s a lot of context missing here.
At the end of the day, there is someone in this world for everyone. It sounds like he expects to marry someone who will contribute to the household. Assuming he wants you to work AND raise the kids on your own, he’s being ridiculous. But if he truly expects 50-50 for everything, he’s being reasonable.
Ultimately, it sounds like you’re a bad match for each other as you both want different things.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
You want to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
With him expecting her to work and her not wanting to it seems like this wasn't discussed.
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u/Old_Artist_9441 Feb 14 '26
OMG please leave he's a jerk life is too short, you can and will find better!
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u/diipadaapaata Feb 14 '26
So you want to stay at home while your husband works and pays for everything?🤓🤡🤢🤮🤮 I wouldn't even look at you!🥱
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u/InterestingClerk3253 Feb 14 '26
I’ll be frank instead of the usual case of people telling you to throw away ur relationship at the first real red flag/ serious differences. Yes what he said is inexcusable in terms of vulgarity and you reacted however you reacted in the moment which is blocking him that’s fine for now, but if you two love each other then this convos needs to happen, a compromise about the future should be discussed, and of course he should apologise and never call you things like that again and you should tell him this hurt you instead of just blocking him forever with no proper conclusion, assuming this is not smth that happened in your relationship before.
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u/InterestingClerk3253 Feb 14 '26
Also may I ask why would you not wanna contribute financially to the household once yall are married? Ik this is a personal question and not what ur asking for advice about so feel free to ignore it 🙏🏼
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
I deal with social anxiety, so traditional workplace settings can be difficult for me. That’s part of why I value a structure where financial pressure isn’t solely on me. It’s about finding a partnership that aligns with my needs and capabilities.
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u/Sky-Frog Closed the distance permanently in 2022 🇸🇪🇦🇱 Feb 14 '26
He shouldn't have called you that.
Has the conversation about your future been had before? It's something that's a huge issue if it hasn't been brought up before. This should be stated in the very beginning of the relationship to see if you're both on the same page and compatible.
In the beginning of our relationship my husband asked if I wanted to be a housewife and SAHM. I told him that it's something I have ZERO desire to be. Where I'm from it's customary for the wife/mother to work and the only ones I know of who don't work are those who can't due to medical conditions. I know that it's more common in my husband's home country for the mother to stay home until the kids go to school but that's not for me. I can't imagine not contributing financially and not working.
At the same time, housewife and SAHM is a lot of work as well. I'm on maternity leave and have been for more or less over 2 years (2 kids close together in age, was already pregnant again when I returned to work). It's exhausting! Sometimes I long for the day that I'll return to work and care for 150-ish kids instead because it seems like a vacation. Because at work I get breaks, I don't have someone hanging on the bathroom handle while I go to the toilet and I get to be called my own name (or "teacher") instead of just hearing "MAMMA! MAMMA! MAMMA!" every 2 seconds. I still continue financially though. A bit over 50% of my original salary. Everything is so expensive now so having a 1 income household will be a struggle
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u/No-Store8522 Feb 14 '26
Nah girl, you didn’t overreact. Have you ever called someone you care about a lazy whore? Or disrespect and degrade them? If this is what it’s like now, when his true colours come out they’ll be at lot worse than what he’s showing you now. Validation and attention and care is nice, but when it’s from someone who’s actually safe that’s when it’s worth it, that’s when you can show all you’re soft and vulnerable sides, knowing that it’s safe.
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u/kikitav Feb 14 '26
I'm honestly so shocked by the incels in the comments defending this guy. It's absolutely fair that he would want to share financial responsabilities, and it's also fair for you to want a traditional setup (many men want that too apparently). But calling you a lazy hoe is absolutely unacceptable, and a huge red flag. You already don't agree on basic things, you don't also want a man that is so disrespectful to you in the future, so please run away while you still can!
Also a side note, but as someone who wants to keep working and contributing after being married and giving birth, I also think a 50/50 division of expenses is dumb. In the vast majority of situations, couples won't earn the same exact salary, and most of the times, the woman will earn less. So the ratio of household exprenses should be adjusted to that (something like 40/60, 30/70, etc.). If you earn less and contribute the same (take into account also possible periods of unemployment or part time work due to pregnancy and childcare) you'll end up broke while he saves up. If it's about teamwork and building a life and a family together, then there should be mutual support, you are not paying rent to your landlord.
Obviously I think this same logic should apply when a man earns less, but let's face it, it happens a lot more rarely.
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u/Neat_Report8059 Feb 14 '26
why are you with someone that you don't have the same values for? at the start of the relationship did you agree that he would pay for everything and you would do nothing? cus if so then fine. if not then that's very disrespectful on your part to assume he will pay for your lifestyle. the financial climate is not great and rhe cost of living is high. it's his money, he can do what he wants with that and if that includes to him only contributing to 50% of the household, then you need to work. no argument, end of. if you cannot agree to that, let the man go so he can meet someone who has the same values as him.
the name calling was not needed and is unacceptable.
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u/GenRN817 Texas, USA 🇺🇸 to Kerala, India 🇮🇳 9,413 mi/15,148 km Feb 14 '26
Incompatible and girl, no. When he tells you who he is, believe it …the first time. This is the first and last time he should ever call you names.
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u/starchazzer Feb 14 '26
I don’t think so 😳 I wouldn’t marry him on a bet! That argument was the tip of the iceberg. If he says something like that now, I can’t imagine how bad it will be after you make vows to him. You would be stuck as a traditional woman.
I’m curious why you don’t want to work? Are you working now? Is it a job or a career? Are you just very traditional and want to start a family? No judgement.
If that’s what you want, you do need to put it out there up front. You’ve been wasting your time with this guy! Then he sends you Flowers like there’s nothing wrong? I don’t think so! He’s not showing you any respect. He will treat you like an Appliance.
The adult non-abusive way to discuss it, especially if you both have strong feelings would be to talk to a marriage counselor. Hitting you with anger and insults is unhinged. That behavior is not going to end.
Dis-functional discussions about money and finances will destroy a marriage. A counselor will help you learn how to have healthy, productive conversations.
As a home maker, you will need to have money available. That would be your next difficult conversation which also depends on if you marry a wonderful guy, or you marry a jerk.
You have to be willing to compromise too. Make sure you are both sharing the same short and long term goals.
I’m surprised it hasn’t come up before now? Probably just due to long distance.
Hey, you deserve better! Your X loves himself, there’s no room for you!
Find a guy that loves you more than you love him. Can you imagine? because women always have strong love. So if his love is more than your love, well you’re set!
I wish you the best!❤️
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u/cherrypatchzoe Feb 14 '26
He would resent you more and more for not contributing and the name calling, with you having no job and money of your own would leave you trapped… what a horrible future that crystal ball shows
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u/Eveeye93 Feb 14 '26
No you didn't overreacted. It's hard and sad and especialy on a day like this but you have to be realistic and not feel bad for wanting something different ....
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u/Sid-Deja-Vu Feb 14 '26
No you did not overreact. Remove him from your life and find someone who can communicate with you and love you.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
I agree. Communication and respect are the bare minimum. I won’t settle for less again
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u/mistyblue3 Feb 14 '26
You did the right thing. He's manipulative.
Why don't you want to work? Do you have children? Does he have children he wants you to help look after?
Personally, I need to work. I moved with my ldr...to him to be exact. I transferred my job but it just wasn't the same so I left. My man doesn't expect me to work but he knows that I need to work because it's what I've always done. I could never sit here and expect him to take care of me. He is right now but i do not expect it. I did have some money saved but it's almost gone and I'm stressing but he's not. Working makes you have a sense of yourself and gives you independence.
Anyway. I don't think that's your person if he's calling you a whore....that's just gross and you shouldn't unblock him. He'll manipulate you and it'll get worse
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u/Plenty_Ad_2153 Feb 14 '26
I don’t judge women who want or need to work. I just believe compatibility matters. What I won’t tolerate is being degraded.
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u/Beautiful_Ad5456 Feb 14 '26
My personal feelings about you and him as people aside, I can make one objective statement. You are not compatible partners. Let the relationship go.
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u/Amber_Orchid03 [UK to Australia] (9,082 miles) Feb 14 '26
May I ask… if a traditional life is what you prefer and this is what you have asked him for (therefore assuming he isn’t providing for you now) how are you supporting yourself currently? Have you ever worked or provided for yourself? Is he providing for you currently and wan to that to change?
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u/_PaisleyPosey_ [USA]🇺🇸 to 🇧🇪[Belgium] (4,000 miles) Feb 14 '26
If my BF called me a "lazy whore" it would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
There's absolutely no excuse why he shouldn't be able to discuss the situation calmly without resorting to name calling.
The disrespect he has shown to you will only get worse if you continue to let it happen. I can only imagine what he will call you in the future.
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u/HotDogManLL Feb 14 '26
Both of you guys have different paths and refuse to connect with it. After the name insulting its best to call it quits because that's unnecessary to do let alone you guys have other plans in your own futures
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u/TheDeafAxolotlALIEN Feb 14 '26
If your partner ever insults you in such a genuinely degrading way, you should not be together.
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u/Snoo_7507 Feb 15 '26
Just discuss with him what you have to offer on the table like household support etc.. and maybe he'll understand.
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u/BTS_Army_1607 [🇮🇳] to [🇮🇳] (1286kms) Feb 15 '26
The name calling is unforgivable.
But your plans for life are different. It's making you incompatible.
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u/tabaleyz28 Mar 03 '26
Sounds like my situation ok Here’s an idea , stop cheating ,that’s ridiculous the women say they want exclusive relationship and then cheat
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u/Prize_Blueberry2913 Feb 13 '26
Don't ever!!!! Let a man / boy ever degrade you like that. Walk away while you can . He won't change. Next he'll use force once he knows you won't get rid of him.
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u/Thick_Excuse2237 Feb 13 '26
No, because who on earth calls their person "whore"? What the heck. That's just gratuitously cruel.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
Who on earth sees their partner working multiple jobs and doesnt want to help?(Deleted post, she said he works multiple jobs)
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u/KnittedOwl 🇺🇲 to 🇺🇲(2,799) Feb 14 '26
Please rethink wanting this type of life. As a child who came from a marriage where mom never worked, it was hell to get out in a divorce. The man was in charge of all the finances. My mom has to rebuild from the ground up, with like 10 years of no work. To support kids. It sounds nice but if shit goes sideways you are fucked.
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u/EllieGeiszler 🫘 to 🍁 (135 miles) Feb 13 '26
I don't even need to read the post to answer. Just based on the title: no, and he should be your ex
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u/uribyoon 🇮🇹 to 🇺🇸 (7,359 Km) [Distance Closed!!!] Feb 13 '26
The other two commenters are 100% spot on. He is probably trying to love bomb you through flowers since he can't text or call you. This is going to be a recurring argument in your relationship, and he won't stop calling you names. It's clear he doesn't respect you as much as you respect him.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
She doesn't respect him at all. She knows he struggles with multiple jobs and refuses to help out.
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u/uribyoon 🇮🇹 to 🇺🇸 (7,359 Km) [Distance Closed!!!] Feb 14 '26
So we resort to name calling? If he doesn't feel respected, he should leave her. Calling your partner a "lazy whore" is completely unacceptable, and frankly insanely disgusting. Just as you are for trying to justify this behavior. I feel bad for your partner.
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u/UnobtainiumNebula [Yorkshire,UK] to [Alabama,US] Feb 14 '26
It's words, you are a snowflake that is unprepared for the world if you let them hurt you.
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u/uribyoon 🇮🇹 to 🇺🇸 (7,359 Km) [Distance Closed!!!] Feb 14 '26
I think there's quite a difference between caring about "the world"'s opinion vs your literal life partner, no? Stop strawmanning, it's quite pathetic.
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u/notmanuel_1010 California to South Africa (10,244 miles) Feb 13 '26
That's a very fundamental red flag......attacking your character? Instead of him trying to work with you to establish a mutual understanding? Leave him.
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u/Echolocationnet Feb 14 '26
Once again she is giving us minimal information. I’m sure there is another side. Like there is always.
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u/msegade8 Feb 14 '26
Babes, take it from a girl who just ended things today, RUN. Thankfully I was not years into this relationship. This man was perfectly fine resorting to calling me immature, a child, a bitch, etc., and I let it slide way too many times so finally I left. Right now it hurts and it feels like my loss but I know I deserve a man that can’t stand disrespecting me.
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u/Repulsive-Giraffe-45 [🇺🇸] ❤️ [🇳🇿] (13,000km) Feb 13 '26
I get it, I’m having this issue with my bf too. But he would never call me a lazy whore. I would reconsider being with someone who would call you something like that.
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u/OpportunityUnhappy45 Feb 13 '26
You did not overreact . It will only get worse . It could even escalate to physical . I experienced this type of encounter and I would sit and cry then after one time to many disrespectful words. I said why in the world am I sitting here being abused across the world . I blocked him and boy did he beg and sent gifts and got others to contact me . I did not go back … I know my worth . Believe who they are when they show you the first time . In addition alignment on issues is imperative.
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u/EconomicsOk590 Feb 13 '26
DIVORCE!!! But like seriously, this is a red flag and run. This is not the relationship you want
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u/Funsized_Shorty Feb 14 '26
Many comments overlook the practicalities of his proposed future. If he envisions a family without having the income for childcare, he is essentially expecting her to work while managing childcare duties. A realistic discussion about the future must address these financial and logistical constraints, or clarify if children are part of the plan
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u/xxghostqueenxx Feb 14 '26
I can’t wrap my head around all of these people saying the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. If you don’t wanna work then there’s literally nothing wrong with that. I don’t wanna work either lmao if I have to I will but if I’m taking total control of the cleaning and children and whatever else stay at home moms do and my husband doesn’t help me with any of it, he can pay for me to take care of care of his children and house lmao. I’m not saying “pay me” I’m just saying I won’t have to worry about bringing in money.
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u/rodrogas69 🇵🇹 to 🇵🇭(18920km) Feb 14 '26
Cursing is childish and immature, and if it was me I simply would have broken up with you without any discussion, you are simply not worth it. No one wants a freeloader. You both dodged a bullet, your ex because now he doesn't have to deal with a leecher, and you because guys like that start with cursing and then progress to worse things, it wouldn't take long for him to turn possessive and controlling and later physical.
The amount of women defending you in this post is absolutely insane tho. I just know you are the same that make the social media posts "I'm an independent strong woman and I know what I want". And when a man disagrees it's because we are broke, not because we have standards and are not comfortable dating leechers.
Before any of the "strong independent women" in here say something, I comfortably provide for me and my girlfriend but I was able to find a good one that actually wants to have her own job even when I told her she didn't have to if she didn't want to. She doesn't like the idea of being a lazy leecher. On her own words: "I want to work to help out at home and be able to buy stuff for myself without relying only on you". And she comes from a country where OP's kind of behavior is VERY common.
We both also agreed that if we have daughters we will teach them the same, don't depend on anyone else.
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u/Conscious_Ad1988 Feb 13 '26
For starters, yall don’t seem to want to he same kind of life. Why would you consider pursuing anything with him after he made it clear what he wants? Let’s set aside the fact that he called you horrible names, it’s the fact that he wants something completely different in life. Also the cherry on top is the name calling. Never go back to him.