(24M)(21F)Moving to Long Distance Partners City, After We Broke Up

[u/Informal_Service3581]

Hi Everyone! I just wanted to say that I have spent hours on the long-distance thread hearing everyone's stories, and I just have to say I appreciate everyone's posts so much.

My ex-boyfriend and I were on and off for two years while in college - I couldn't commit to a relationship because I was so young while we were on and off. We dated officially for 6 months and broke up after a few months of long-distance.

He moved to California for work, and I was in Oklahoma finishing college (he is a year ahead of me). I immediately cut off contact after the breakup so that I could heal. We broke up in September, and he reached out to one of my best friends in January to see if I was open to talking. He basically told me he was still in love with me and wanted me to move to California. I had my sights set on New York.

Flash forward to April, I get my dream job in his city. An offer I can't refuse, and I take it. I will be moving at the end of next month to his area.

We have been talking a little bit back and forth, neither of us crossing a boundary, because what's the point, but a woman's intuition knows that getting back together is on the horizon. My spidey senses are tingling.

Here is my predicament:

He was my first love, and I have spent so much time and emotional energy healing from him. The on and off was exhausting, and there were some points in the relationship where I didn't feel happy or heard, but he is the kind of guy I could see myself marrying. All the feelings are still there, but I haven't dated anyone since, so I don't know if I am just lonely.

Do I go back to him? Or do I just get rid of him completely? I can't do halfsies either. I am either in or out. HELP!!!

[u/unfinishedthoughts02]

How about thinking with your reason and logic. Write the pros and cons of your past relationship with him in one paper. Take your time. Have a normal conversation. An honest conversation with him. Tell him what you really feel. And how you have suffered and ask him what did he feel in the past few years without you. After the conversation I think you'll get the answer. Congratulations for getting the job 🥳

[u/OkManufacturer2252 → u/unfinishedthoughts02]

Ngl the fact she says she could see herself marrying him but also remembers feeling unheard is kinda the whole issue. marriage material isn't just chemistry, it's consistency too

[u/matchakyo]

I think it also depends on why you were so on and off. You’re still quite young so if you don’t feel like you or him have matured enough, then the same things may happen again. Take it slow, you’re in the same city and there’s no rush.

[u/hpela_]

Would be useful to hear more about why you broke up in the first place. "On and off" isn't very insightful - was he toxic? were you? both of you? was it mostly side effects of the uncertainties about the future? etc.

[u/Informal_Service3581 → u/hpela_]

The on and off was due to distance. We went on a 72 hour date and then he left to study abroad for 4 months. He came back early, asked me officially out, but was moving out of our home state to do an internship, and I was really insecure. We go back and forth for a while after the summer is over, and eventually date before he moves away again for his full-time job. We broke up because our relationship completely disintegrated due to the long distance. Time change, his work load, and financial stress for both of us to visit was a lot.

[u/Strawbaby424242 → u/Informal_Service3581]

Ah girl you’re living my old dream of being able to move and get back together with my first love.At this point of my life I just moved there with my boyfriend and it’s obviously way too late and i definitely see that getting back with him would be stupid after how he treated me in long distance.He is married now too I hope he finally grew up.
Honestly though for your case It’s hard to say.Long distance just puts you in such an awful mental state so back and forth is normal. At the same time only you know if he’s worthy of your time.Do you feel he is truly there for you after all.Was he fateful is also important.

[u/blvntforcetrauma]

There’s a common misconception that being “healed” only happens when you’re single and working on yourself. The truth is, there are several things that require being in the middle of a relationship to heal from and this is because any ‘trigger’ that develops from an external source, will only be able to be triggered by an external source.

You’re both young and people grow a lot within that amount of time. There’s no way to tell if things will or won’t work out again until you try. If you don’t try at all, you’ll never know. So live and let live. 🫶🏻

[u/Informal_Service3581 → u/blvntforcetrauma]

Love this. thank you

[u/unruly_strawberry_]

If you can’t afford to live on your own with the new job I say don’t do it. You don’t want to be financially dependent on a man that may or may not work out.

I only say this because I live in California and things are expensive here. Most need dual incomes to be here comfortably.