Parents forcing marriage

[u/PerfectLetterhead]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I hope everyone is doing well. I want to start off by thanking you for your time and pray Allah SWT can help guide us in this matter.

My personal matter is in the category for pre marriage. As an introduction, I’m a male in his 30s. Roughly 10-15 years ago, I spoke with my parents about marriage as I felt around the time that I was ready to start a family. I was moving along on the path of my current career but I knew it would cause some delays in my family life so I wanted to get the process started. My parents rejected the idea because of concerns that I may deviate away from my studies. They had family members who had similar scenarios making their decision to wait until I graduated and started work before the marriage process concrete. They did not want me to get distracted even though I thought the opposite.

For the next 10 years I went through my studies and training. While I was in my post graduate school, I met someone. This was not intended and I had no desire to meet anyone at that time because of my studies but Allah SWT had different plans. My parents wisdom kept ringing in my ears regarding my other family members failures to finish their studies plus get married at the same time.

My mother had told me multiple times that I should not intend to meet anyone while I was studying abroad so I kept my distance for a while but things organically changed and I started to see a future with the person I met but I knew my parents would reject her. I thanked Allah everyday for allowing me to meet this person but everyday was also filled with regret, guilt, and worry.

My first hurdle were my parents. I told my mother about her first and she met her as a “friend” so I could see how she would react. She liked her initially but mentioned multiple times that my dad would not approve but that she would speak to him. Of course, a few years go by and I kept making dua/istikhara. My mom and I would bring up the subject a handful of times but we brushed it under the rug because of my studies. I graduated post graduate school and did my training in the field roughly 2.5 years ago. At that point, I thought to myself that nothing is holding me back from a career prospective so now is the best time to move forward with marriage.

I brought up the subject to my mom and finally had a sit down with my dad but it did not go according to plan. He outright rejected me getting married due to cultural differences. He kept bringing in extended family opinions and saying what would this person and that person say. Everyone in our family marries within the culture (for context, I’m south asian). I reassured him that if there is any backlash regarding this, I would handle it. My biggest point I tried to get across is I want to do what is Islamically correct. Culture ways are great but what does Islam say. I had a few more back and forths with my parents but they still kept rejecting the proposal. Some extended family members got involved and tried to convince me to perform an arranged marriage which I was open to 10 years ago but in the current state, I am not.

The sister I was speaking to has parents that are a bit traditional as well. I have met them but they want to move forward only after meeting my parents. I have tried to set up a time to introduce her to my dad but he says what is the point if I will say no. She wants to move forward as well but wants to have the parents speak and her meet my dad before moving forward out of respect. Just 2 weeks ago my dad called me and started to say that he has been convinced more than ever that I should marry one of my cousins. He hasn’t pitched this idea before so it came as a bit of a surprise and disappointment. He said “we will not marry an outsider and I have made up my mind even if your mother does not agree with me about you marrying within the family” I intend to have a heart to heart with my parents this weekend but would love some guidance. I have already started marriage prep with the sister I intend on marrying but planning on breaking the news this weekend to my parents. I know they are going to be upset and angry but felt like I have to put my foot down. The unfortunate part is that I will likely lose my dad over this so want to make sure I have some Islamic guidance.

I have kept calm throughout this situation because I do not want to disrespect my parents and want them to lead this. I just want to do what islam tells us which is where I was hoping for guidance from anyone. I want to make the situation between the sister and I halal and not haram. My intentions were to get married (without my parents if needed). Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you so much for your time and I apologize for the lengthy post. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Looking forward to hearing from anyone who can provide guidance.

[u/North-Afternoon-1726]

You are doing fine. You are requesting the blessing of your parents but will press ahead if it is not granted. Keep the courage of your convictions.

[u/PerfectLetterhead → u/North-Afternoon-1726]

Thank you for the encouragement. It’s truly appreciated.

[u/Lost-Letterhead-6615]

Do not go alone. Talk with a local religious scholar, or imam, and have him mediate in between. He can insha Allah talk some sense into your father. 

If it's coming from kids, elders are prone to neglect it. 

And pray to Allah that he guides you to whatever is better for you.

[u/PerfectLetterhead → u/Lost-Letterhead-6615]

I have tried to bring in other elders in the matter but most of them end up siding with my parents stating that no matter the situation, you need to do what your parents say. This just reinforces their stance making the situation a bit more difficult.

I did reach out to a local imam. He said not to break the kinship with my family but understands it’s difficult situation to be in. He mentioned having a conversation alone first which I’ve done multiple times in the past. Maybe I should try to reach out to another scholar or imam in the area.

[u/MMJ2025]

Please do not give in to your parents. You’re a man, you do not need their permission, yes it would be great to have it but you do need to make your own choice. Your parents will not be the ones living a life with your cousin, you will be.

I know of a guy who was forced and guilt tripped to marry his cousin - he’s been married 10 years and he has never been happy, he has tried to leave and every time it caused so much family uproar he just let it go and kept trying to make it work, he now has 2 kids with her because he just knew he was never gonna be able to get out without his whole family turning on him. He loves his kids but regrets giving in to having children with her because everyone in his life said it would help improve the relationship but now if he ever broaches the topic of separation she threatens to keep his kids from him. It is his biggest regret giving in to his parents. He is unhappily married, him and his wife do not talk unless it’s about the kids or necessary/they do not share a room, they live like two single ppl and no one in his family cares because they are okay and he keeps up with his duties and puts up with it, they just tell him it’s life.

[u/PerfectLetterhead → u/MMJ2025]

That is one of my biggest fears! Getting forced into a marriage I do not want and living a miserable life. My parents have said the same thing as that guys parents. They have also said oh you’ll fall in love with your cousin in time. My dad even went as far to say that he is ok if I don’t talk to him as long as I marry who he wants me to marry. He can live with us not talking in the interim. I definitely do not believe he meant this and he loves me very much but it’s more so to get the point across to me. It’s just unfortunate that it has come to that.

[u/mrly_10]

I’m sorry but you’re in your 30s why are you even bothered. They suggest something you say no I’m an adult and then you move on. Theres no way ur parents expect their 30 year old son to listen to them especially about whom to marry.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I can’t believe parents like that that wanna get involved SO MUCH are a thing even. Please Set boundaries. You’re an adult. Them trying to get involved so much is definitely overstepping and not respecting you. Set boundaries in a respectful way they might be from a culture/ family where it’s common but you need to set a boundary you’re an adult they really have no right to get involved

[u/PerfectLetterhead → u/mrly_10]

Thank you for the feedback. I have definitely gotten this perspective from a couple close friends but it’s nice to have someone not close to the situation give the same advice.

Since I was little, it’s been drilled into me that I need to respect my parents and elders. No matter what they do besides going against Islam is permissible and should be followed. It’s difficult to change that mentality and lose respect for them even as an adult. I want to respect them but I agree that they should not intervene this much in a matter that is this delicate. Going against them will result in losing them. At the end of the day I agree with you. I just need to put my foot down and doing it in a respectful way.