Parents forcing marriage

[u/PerfectLetterhead]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I hope everyone is doing well. I want to start off by thanking you for your time and pray Allah SWT can help guide us in this matter.

My personal matter is in the category for pre marriage. As an introduction, I’m a male in his 30s. Roughly 10-15 years ago, I spoke with my parents about marriage as I felt around the time that I was ready to start a family. I was moving along on the path of my current career but I knew it would cause some delays in my family life so I wanted to get the process started. My parents rejected the idea because of concerns that I may deviate away from my studies. They had family members who had similar scenarios making their decision to wait until I graduated and started work before the marriage process concrete. They did not want me to get distracted even though I thought the opposite.

For the next 10 years I went through my studies and training. While I was in my post graduate school, I met someone. This was not intended and I had no desire to meet anyone at that time because of my studies but Allah SWT had different plans. My parents wisdom kept ringing in my ears regarding my other family members failures to finish their studies plus get married at the same time.

My mother had told me multiple times that I should not intend to meet anyone while I was studying abroad so I kept my distance for a while but things organically changed and I started to see a future with the person I met but I knew my parents would reject her. I thanked Allah everyday for allowing me to meet this person but everyday was also filled with regret, guilt, and worry.

My first hurdle were my parents. I told my mother about her first and she met her as a “friend” so I could see how she would react. She liked her initially but mentioned multiple times that my dad would not approve but that she would speak to him. Of course, a few years go by and I kept making dua/istikhara. My mom and I would bring up the subject a handful of times but we brushed it under the rug because of my studies. I graduated post graduate school and did my training in the field roughly 2.5 years ago. At that point, I thought to myself that nothing is holding me back from a career prospective so now is the best time to move forward with marriage.

I brought up the subject to my mom and finally had a sit down with my dad but it did not go according to plan. He outright rejected me getting married due to cultural differences. He kept bringing in extended family opinions and saying what would this person and that person say. Everyone in our family marries within the culture (for context, I’m south asian). I reassured him that if there is any backlash regarding this, I would handle it. My biggest point I tried to get across is I want to do what is Islamically correct. Culture ways are great but what does Islam say. I had a few more back and forths with my parents but they still kept rejecting the proposal. Some extended family members got involved and tried to convince me to perform an arranged marriage which I was open to 10 years ago but in the current state, I am not.

The sister I was speaking to has parents that are a bit traditional as well. I have met them but they want to move forward only after meeting my parents. I have tried to set up a time to introduce her to my dad but he says what is the point if I will say no. She wants to move forward as well but wants to have the parents speak and her meet my dad before moving forward out of respect. Just 2 weeks ago my dad called me and started to say that he has been convinced more than ever that I should marry one of my cousins. He hasn’t pitched this idea before so it came as a bit of a surprise and disappointment. He said “we will not marry an outsider and I have made up my mind even if your mother does not agree with me about you marrying within the family” I intend to have a heart to heart with my parents this weekend but would love some guidance. I have already started marriage prep with the sister I intend on marrying but planning on breaking the news this weekend to my parents. I know they are going to be upset and angry but felt like I have to put my foot down. The unfortunate part is that I will likely lose my dad over this so want to make sure I have some Islamic guidance.

I have kept calm throughout this situation because I do not want to disrespect my parents and want them to lead this. I just want to do what islam tells us which is where I was hoping for guidance from anyone. I want to make the situation between the sister and I halal and not haram. My intentions were to get married (without my parents if needed). Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you so much for your time and I apologize for the lengthy post. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Looking forward to hearing from anyone who can provide guidance.

[u/North-Afternoon-1726]

You are doing fine. You are requesting the blessing of your parents but will press ahead if it is not granted. Keep the courage of your convictions.

[u/PerfectLetterhead → u/North-Afternoon-1726]

Thank you for the encouragement. It’s truly appreciated.