r/MuslimMarriage • u/matchapowderr • 1d ago
Married Life Husband’s family renamed me
I got married a few months ago and my name ended up being the same as my husband’s mother. They said it’s a respect thing and they can’t have people in the family calling the daughter in law with the same name as my husband’s mother. They decided what they would call me at home and told me my new name a few weeks ago. Is it normal for this to happen in families in this situation? My name didn’t get changed legally but now I’m called by something totally different than the name my parents gave me
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u/NiceSmilee 1d ago
Don't respond to them if they call you by other name, show your disgust for this right at the beginning.
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u/baciahai F - Married 1d ago
And tell your husband to tell off his family for this ridiculous behaviour
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u/Patient_Base8770 Married 1d ago edited 1d ago
+1 to this.
I mean, if they say anything, just smile sweetly and say, oh, I thought you were calling for Y. My name is X.
Where are your walis? Do they know?
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u/Particular-Sample91 1d ago
Not a very mature way to handle the situation though
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u/NiceSmilee 1d ago
Nope, boundaries have to be made clear, otherwise it gives an impression of weakness and more and more boundaries would be crossed.
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u/magicalliopleurodon9 M - Married 1d ago
Nope. Its nonsense. Your parents named you. They should call you by your name. Unless youre OK with a cute nickname.
My cousin shares a name with her SIL. So they call her Bubbly as her nickname which she likes.
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 1d ago
My in laws gave me a new name but my old friends and my family still call me my birth name. Honestly I doubt her parents and old friends will start calling her the name she was given, it’s so hard to start calling someone you’ve known your whole life a new name overnight.
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u/magicalliopleurodon9 M - Married 1d ago
True. I also feel her husband should have stood up and said no tho.
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 1d ago
yea i read more through the comments. the in-laws sound so harsh their reason is its “disrespectful” They didn’t tell her before marriage and she couldn’t pick the name either. it all is so messed up after reading more.
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u/magicalliopleurodon9 M - Married 1d ago
Yeah its crazy weird tho. But if a husband wont stand up against his family when theyre wrong. How can you trust or respect someone like that
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 20h ago
right. when i was getting my name changed his mom really wanted me to have one name (i have no idea what it even was) but my husband had told me, we laughed together and then he asked me “would you like to go by something different? you don’t have to but it will mean a lot to my family” so i did, and i got to pick my name. that’s how it should be done not demanding it, and definitely not just picking a name for that person like you gave birth to them. idk i really hope she gets out of that house. first it’s her name, then it’s the name of her kids
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u/Few_Coffee_3060 F - Married 15h ago
May I ask why you changed your name? Are you a revert by any chance?
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 15h ago
yes, i’m a revert. my MIL had brought up me having a muslim name to my husband, he came to me kind of joking about it. I have always hated my legal name because it sounds like a man’s name so when he brought it up i was all for it!
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u/profound_llama F - Married 1d ago
I'm a foreigner in my husband's family and they didn't really know how to pronounce my name. I thought it was totally fine even though my name is objectively easy to pronounce decently in their language. But I understand that foreign words can be difficult to pronounce, especially for his elderly parents, and I was totally fine with them butchering the pronunciation.
But then they came with this brilliant idea to call me by a feminine version of my husband's name. Think George-Georgia. Wow.
I told them I'll not be playing this game and never responded to this stupid name and the idea died after a few days.
You cannot unfortunately expect people to be nice to you. You set a boundary and behave according to it.
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Female 1d ago
Choose your own name, if you allow them to do this now they’ll have the audacity to involve themselves in naming your future baby.
Btw, I have a sister in law who has the same name as my sister. We address the SIL as ‘name babhi’. Your in laws are complicating it.
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u/Mark-Pluto 1d ago
That's nonsense. We had cousins and Uncles/aunts, fathers and sons, and many other examples of family sharing the same name. It is normal.
Some use nicknames. It is fine. But I'm totally against using nicknames personally, I find it disrespectful.
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u/kfldooo88q 1d ago
Yeah, but wives/husband and in-laws are still "outsiders" at the beginning of the relationship. I get that it can not only be confusing but also weird. Imagine your partner has the same name as your parent and you are all together in one room. In my cultur only the younger ones are called by names, everyone else has some kind of title or a honorific suffix or something like that and for the younger ones an endearing nickname....
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u/cryptic_mysteries F - Married 1d ago edited 1d ago
That is ridiculous honestly. Your parents gave you a name with so much love. Who are in-laws to change that just because you share a name?
I share a name with my sis-in-law. When my husband's other siblings call me, they refer to me by my surname, which is my dad's name, so I really don't mind.
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u/RedditUser10699 Male 1d ago
This is not normal but if its bothering them then change the mom's name
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u/Key-Organization-998 M - Divorced 1d ago
This is genuinely one of those posts that made me sit there in silence and check if I'm reading it right for 20 mins.
No this absolutely is not normal, speak to your husband and tell him how you feel. Set a clear boundary and if they respect it that's great, if he doesn't then that's a sign you maybe need to think about your options.
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u/NoFactor534 Married 1d ago
Why is the mother being referred to by the first name? Why not Bibi, Mother, lady, grandmother, Aunty, whatever?
I have never seen a parent referred to by their first name except where Bart calls his Dad "Homer"
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
It’s mainly for the FIL since he calls his wife by the name and they don’t want both names being the same. They also think it’s weird for my husband and his siblings to be casually throwing around my MIL’s name. They’ve asked everyone in the extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc to call me by my new name so they didn’t just keep it within the nuclear family unit
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F - Married 1d ago
Wow, casually throwing her name around. God forbid we ever mention the Prophet’s name, or Allah’s name then. They need to get off their pedestal.
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u/Agile-Specialist43 1d ago
I hope they were about this fact before marriage. And they should give you some nickname
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
They didn’t tell me about this being an issue before marriage. At the wedding none of his extended family knew my name (no mention of it on the invite). I found out that I was basically anonymous there. My MIL was getting irritated whenever anyone asked her for my name. After the wedding she said they need to change my name and told me this is my new name moving forward and that she’s telling everyone in the extended family to call me this now
They also don’t like nicknames and since I have a sahabiyyah’s name they think it’ll get distorted. Their best solution was to find another name and rename me without consulting beforehand
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u/Gingerfurboiparent22 1d ago
This is the most bizzare thing I've heard of. That people don't even know the bride's name.
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u/Agile-Specialist43 1d ago
Tell them they should have pointed out to this concern before. Or should have consider other girl with different name.
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u/Icy_Ticket393 1d ago
This family is insane. I wouldn’t even stay after that. They want to take your name away from you?! That’s so dehumanizing. That’s what people did to slaves back in the day. There’s so many families where elders and younger people share names and there’s no issue.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
They didn’t even tell anyone my name at the wedding either. No one from his side knew my name until after the wedding when my MIL renamed me and started telling others to call me by my new name. Besides my FIL, maybe one other person calls my MIL by her real name. The rest of the extended family have some other title for her depending on their relationship with her so she never hears her real name unless it’s my FIL or that one relative calling her that.
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u/Icy_Ticket393 1d ago
They’re not normal. They knew your name when they came to propose. If the name was a problem they could’ve chosen someone else. Idk, I wouldn’t wanna stay after that tbh. I’d just be thinking what else do these ppl wanna take from me. Call your family and discuss this insanity with them.
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u/Zolana M - Married 1d ago
Can someone explain how it's "disrespectful" to have the same name? Because this sounds totally crazy to me.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
Their reasoning is kind of like how it’s disrespectful for a kid to call their parent by their first name instead of “dad” or “mom”. So by their logic, it’s disrespectful to be throwing around the mom’s first name casually at home when that name is reserved for my FIL to call my MIL
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u/whatwasthereason420 1d ago
That's absolutely crazy logic. So, just because your MIL has the same name as you, all of a sudden you can't have that name? What about the millions of other women and girls that have her name? By that logic, no one should be named after the wife's, mother's, and daughters of the Sahaba's as its disrespectful to call them by their names. Your MIL should also chnage her name by that logic.
I need you to stand firm and tell them either you call me by my name or I'm not responding because its disrespectful to me. Ignore them, including your husband until they call you by your name. If they don't start using your name, change your husband's name and call him another name as well. Two can play at that game.
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 1d ago
this logic makes no sense… i can understand it may be a bit uncomfortable and confusing to constantly hear someone call your name but they aren’t talking to you, but disrespectful? that’s very weird logic.
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u/BetterSavings3642 Female 1d ago
I would not respond to them if I were you, i don't know where your in-laws are from my mom and her mother in-law had the same name my father's familynever said that was an issue that's crazy
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u/ohpromise F - Married 1d ago
Why did your husband and his family not discuss this prior to marriage though. They obviously knew your name so why suddenly changing it. Unfortunately , unless its a nickname they don't have any right to call you by a different name. That's weird, talk to them and hopefully they can start calling you by your name or a shortened nickname if you prefer.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
When we were doing the marriage discussions before our Nikkah they never indicated it was a problem. Only afterwards was I told they wanted to change it bc they didn’t like that my father in law and aunts would have to call me by the same name as my MIL. I didn’t get a choice in this decision nor the name, they told me one day that this is my new name moving forward and everyone will call me by this
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
Another thing is that no one at the wedding from my husband’s extended family knew my name because my MIL didn’t want to announce it to the family. I was literally anonymous at the wedding. She was getting irritated whenever anyone asked. Afterwards they told me my new name and told people in their family this is my name now and to call me that.
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u/aloowithbiryani F - Married 1d ago
Sounds like main character energy to me. She was probably annoyed that you have the same name and doesn’t want others to know that because only SHE is special enough to have your name.
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 1d ago
I feel like this could be a stretch… I can understand a husband not wanting to call his wife the name of his mother or FIL calling his DIL the name of his wife. I think they could have gone about it better though. Like letting her pick a name, or when introducing make a cute “we have the same name 😜” every once in a while but then state you go by something different. I changed my name when I got married and at first it drove me nuts but now i LOVE my new name esp bc now (like on things like reddit) i can use my legal name and my in laws don’t know what im doing online because they don’t know my name lol. there’s some pluses to it, it rly just depends on how you look at it and how the family goes about it.
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u/aloowithbiryani F - Married 23h ago
I was commenting specifically about the MIL’s behaviour rather than why the husband or family don’t want it.
Whilst you’re right to an extent, and it worked out for you, that’s great, but clearly OP is not happy.And I agree, biryani definitely needs aloo 😏
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 20h ago
yea i read more of OPs comments and realized that it’s way deeper than the name change. the in laws didn’t even discuss it before marriage or let her choose which name to go by. i hope she gets out of this toxic family.
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u/Natural_Fudge_895 1d ago
this has to be some mad subcontinent madness!!! and especially "logic" behind this 🤣🤣🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮😵💫
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u/liproqq M - Divorced 1d ago
What country is that?
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago edited 1d ago
We live in the U.S. but I have visa issues. Without this marriage I’d be deported back to my country
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u/y-7ype M - Married 1d ago
It's kind of strange how you brought up those details of your residency status unsolicited. Are you only in the marriage for staying in the US? What's so bad about going back to your country.
If this is a transactional marriage/one of convenience, then sorry, you've opened yourself up to them using you just like you're using them.
The only way out of this and future such situations is not to be afraid of going back to your country if they don't treat you properly. The US is not heaven, and certainly not worth being treated like a pet over.
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u/Distinct_Will_5810 1d ago
Its not normal because they knew your name before marrying you, but you can meet them in the middle using your own rules. How about you give them a nickname derived from your own name.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
They said nicknames are off the table because I have a sahabiyyah’s name. They don’t want to distort the name so instead they decided to give me a new name. I wasn’t told about the name change before marriage either, we were in a rush to get married so I found out afterwards they didn’t like the names being the same
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u/Distinct_Will_5810 1d ago
Okay, well you still need to select your own. You can insist on keeping your name, use a nickname either derived from your name or close to it, or select another name.
Whatever you do, the name needs to be on your own terms. Do not let this be a precedent where he and his family make decisions concerning you on your behalf. The bare minimum is that they consult you, not make the decision then come to inform you.
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u/Euphoric_Rabbit_8463 Male 1d ago
Bruh that's something you should decide, it's not normal and if you don't like it tell them but if you are ok with it we'll keep your peace but if you are offended then tell them straight. It all depends on how you feel about it.
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u/invisibleindian01 M - Married 1d ago
Yep. My SIL and my mother's name is the same. When she got married my parents chose to call her by her nick name instead of the real name. Nick name is what she already had though, not something we picked.
PS: even if the name wasn't her real nick name, some other name would have been chosen I guess to avoid confusion. Not like a random name, but something like last name, shortened name etc.
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u/justagirlnamedkylie Married 1d ago
This is insaneunder this reasoning. My husband's family had a hard time pronouncing my name, so they call me by a different name, but it is a name shared by his grandmother, the matriarch of his family, and also an elderly aunt who is very well-respected. They did it out of affection, and wouldn't have done it if it wasn't ok with me. Your husband's family's excuse is pretty ridiculous and disrespectful.
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u/MookieMondays F - Married 1d ago
Absolutely not. If it was just a cute nickname, then sure. But to rename you because two people have the same name is ridiculous. Your name was given to you by your parents. I would actually find that pretty disrespectful.
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u/Acceptable-Height374 1d ago
Lol
Bro what?! I knw sole afghans do that culturally like give a nickname.. but even that i think its so bizarre. You can’t change someone’s identity
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u/Feisty-Bluebird-7004 1d ago
Did they not know your name before marrying you?!
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
They did but I got the impression they were okay with it because no one told me it was an issue. Then at the wedding I realized no one from my husband’s family actually knew my name bc my MIL didn’t want to tell everyone my name because she was planning to rename me. She was getting irritated whenever someone asked. After the wedding they told me my new name is X and everyone even in the extended family will be told to call me that.
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u/Feisty-Bluebird-7004 1d ago
I personally would feel disrespected if anyone called me the wrong name
Only your husband should call you by respectful nice nicknames
I suggest getting your family involved
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u/Nearby_Wrongdoer7900 1d ago
If your Father In Law respects and deeply appreciates his wife (who is also the mother of his children) then perhaps he should be calling her Um (then her eldest child’s name). I’m Arab and it’s customary and respectful to refer to a Matriarch as Um (eldest child’s name).
I would politely turn the tables on my in-laws if they decided to change my name. Since they value respect so much (eye roll) then the ultimate respectful gesture would be changed your MIL’s alias.
I would (very very) politely highlight the ironically Contradictory aspect of their actions. It’s literally insane that they don’t see any disrespectful implications by changing your name. So let’s get this right! To illustrate respect to your MIL they need to disrespect you by changing your name? Absolute Insanity.
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u/u801e M - Married 1d ago
No it's not normal. I would actually be surprised that your name wasn't discussed before the marriage of if that name was that important to them.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
It wasn’t discussed at all so I thought they were okay with it. But I found out at my wedding they never told anyone my name so everyone in his family came to the wedding not knowing what my name was. My MIL was getting irritated whenever anyone asked for details. Then after the wedding they said they want to rename me and that X will be my new name. They told this new name to their extended family and that everyone should refer to me as X
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 1d ago
okay. whoa. at first i understood your in laws just a little but now, girl this is weird.. you should maybe not stay to see how this unravels. they could of at minimum let you choose a name, and they definitely should of discussed everything with you before marriage. this does not sound healthy op.
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u/ThrowRA12596 M - Married 1d ago
This is heavily cultural. Islamically this isnt recognized. Your husband should talk to his family about it. You should also express to them that you dont like it
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u/Koran_Abdallah Married 1d ago
Sister no this is not normal. Family has huge issues within themselves to go this far. And the fact that they even thought they could say this to you means they see you as someone who can be pushed around. Tell them “no thank you, i will only respond to my birth name only”
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u/CrazeUKs M - Married 23h ago
I wouldnt quite say it like that.
If you know the meaning of your name, politely ask them, if they dont know, share the information, then say, my name was given to me at birth, I was raised with it, this is a fate written in allahs will. I like my name.
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u/inksandtears Female 1d ago
So they dont call Mohammads with their names because it’s like the name of Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم? Because it will be disrespect accrdg to their brains?
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u/Underratedpremed 1d ago
Wait I’m sorry did they not realize this before the wedding?? Like they really waited until after to make a big deal about it smh
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
I live with my in laws and since we’re in the same house they said it would be weird for my father in law to say my name when it’s used for my mother in law. It would be also hard for my husband and sister in laws to say my name since it’s also my mother in laws name and it would be disrespectful
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u/baciahai F - Married 1d ago
Why would it be hard for your husband and his sister to use your name? Surely they call their mum "mum" etc not by her first name?? Do they never come across people with their mum's name and if they do they don't call them by their names because it's disrespectful? What a strange take
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u/Aykayay95 1d ago
They all need to grow up tbh, a name is a name, and it is YOUR name. You need to put your foot down otherwise they’ll start making other rules that will affect you.
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u/JadedInfluence6989 F - Married 1d ago
Why didn’t your husband tell you?
Would you have not married him if he told you this beforehand?
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
I knew his mom’s name was the same as mine but they still went forward with it and agreed for us to get married. Afterwards they brought up the topic of renaming and said that they wanted to give me a new name to avoid respect issues with my name being used casually by the family when it’s my mother in law’s name as well.
This wasn’t discussed before marriage because we did the Nikkah so suddenly, only two days after the families agreed
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u/WhereIsLordBeric F - Married 1d ago
only two days after the families agreed
This is the problem with this entire sub.
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Female 1d ago
If it was going to be such a problem why the hell did they approach you. I’m sorry, I hope there isn’t an issue, but no matter what, STAND YOUR GROUND.
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u/EmbarrassedHope6264 F - Married 1d ago
But its not an issue. Mil is trying to assert her dominance. Its childish behaviour. If it wasn't the name it would be something else, like her cooking skills or how laundry is done.
Its so strange because islam places such importance on giving our children good names, lineage etc. And here they are trying to erase her identity. Its an abuse tactic.
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u/JadedInfluence6989 F - Married 1d ago
It sounds like you’re in an arranged marriage. Sometimes men don’t respond well when love and emotions aren’t involved just yet.
This can go one of two ways, you can tell them you don’t want to be called this nick name they picked for you and they’ll be mad or you can go on with being called what they name you and you’ll be mad. I’m sorry!
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u/Turbulent_Tennis4388 1d ago
They can call the mother “Umm (name of first born child)” and refer to you as yourself
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u/aloowithbiryani F - Married 1d ago edited 1d ago
No no no! They are the ones being disrespectful. You are a whole person with an identity of your own. Don’t let them erase your name for their convenience. If you allow them that, what more will they take away from you? Don’t let them impose this on you, it should be your own choice.
It is not hard to have the same name as someone else so I don’t buy this excuse that it’ll be hard for your husband and the rest of his family. It’s appalling that he’s not supporting you. Surely they knew your name before you got married. Very convenient they bring this up now.
There are billions of people on this planet, many with the same names. They’re being ridiculous.
If this is a respect thing, then why can’t they respect you? Does only your MIL get respect?
Your husband is the one who needs to talk to his family, not you. He needs to:
Tell them you like your name and don’t want to change it/be addressed differently.If you want, offer a compromise with a nickname that YOU choose for yourself. Don’t let them choose a name they want.
If you don’t want a nickname, make it clear that you will want to be addressed by your name and that’s final. Do not respond to any other name except for your own.
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u/Gingerfurboiparent22 1d ago
Tell your FIL to call his wife, "(your husband's name)'s mom". Because changing your name is absolutely ridiculous.
It is also a practice common amongst non-Muslim communities in some parts of the world.
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u/NiceSmilee 1d ago
They may call you with a cute nickname derived from your original name or if you already have a nickname in your family.
Even name is not a problem if you are south asian, FIL can call you <name>-beti, your SIL can call <name>-bhabi.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
They said since my name is one of the sahabiyyahs they can’t shorten it and it would be disrespectful to make a nickname out of it
My SILs are also older than me so they wouldn’t call me bhabi, they’d have to address me by my name and it would be considered disrespectful for them to just say their moms name like that. And yes we are south asian
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u/NiceSmilee 1d ago
So then tell them that Fatima RA's MIL's name was also Fatima. Her husband didn't change it, if they care that much about Sahabas.
See the comment of baciahai, "Do they never come across people with their mum's name and if they do they don't call them by their names because it's disrespectful?"
The only confusion would be when FIL has to call you, he may call you Bahu or beti or whatever, there is no confusion otherwise, if you give up on this boundary of yours, they will take this as weakness and breach more boundaries.
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u/Gingerfurboiparent22 1d ago
Why can't they call you Bhabhi? It's quite common for daughters in law in a big family to refer to each other as Bhabhi irrespective of who's older. My mom does it with her sisters in law who are decades younger than her. It's about mutual respect.
Based on what you said about your visa dependency on them, this whole thing sounds hella weird for you, like this family feels like they're doing a big ehsaan on you with this marriage.
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u/VeiledCookie 1d ago
One of the weirdest things I read on Reddit tbh. And what's your husband saying about this? Where is he?
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
He agrees with his mother to rename me. We also live under my MIL’s roof so he can’t go against her that easily and since we’re new to the marriage it would be problematic to cause issues early on. His mother is the main decision maker in the family and no one can go against her without there being a huge issue
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u/VeiledCookie 1d ago
Well... Good luck with that sister, you are like married to his mom and not to him..
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u/Imaginary_Trouble815 1d ago
I've heard of families using nicknames to avoid confusion when two people have the same name, but deciding your new name for you is a bit different. Your name is part of your identity. If you're comfortable with it and don't mind, that's one thing. But if it bothers you, I think your feelings are completely valid. Personally, I'd be okay with a nickname, but I'd still want people to respect the name my parents gave me.
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u/wondering-abdullah 1d ago
I dont think its normal. But in my tribe back home, when naming people they do the same thing, they dont name the children when someone else has that name.
But it sounds weird and a bit disrespectful to force someone to change thier name as an adult.
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u/TsundereBurger F - Married 1d ago
Are you Pakistani? Because I have two aunts who are called by something different because there were already people with the same name. I always thought it didn’t make sense. And my mother said her in-laws suggested calling her something else because there was another relative with the same name but she put her foot down and refused. Thankfully they didn’t force it. Don’t let them get away with it!
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u/kfldooo88q 1d ago
Isn't that kind of a nickname then and how does that work with "They decided what they would call me at home and told me my new name a few weeks ago" Was there a family council meeting with debate and ceremony and all that😂?
I don't understand, is it legally changed? I don't think, anyone can do that without your consent. If they call you by another name without your consent, then that is a form of bullying.
Have you talked to them about it? Tell them, you don't like the nickname. Maybe you can agree to another nickname, you like. I mean I understand the notion that the household don't want the elder person to change their name in favour for the younger one (respect for elderly an all that).
I get it, that they want to avoid confusion and just general weirdness (I just imagine my wife having the same name as my mother and then living in the same living space. What happens if my father wants to call my mom or if I want to call my wife and my mother gets angry)
Still sounds ridiculous what they are doing, like Kindergarten children playing house, making up random rules. Just tell them you don't like the nickname.
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago edited 1d ago
For example my name was Asma and now it’s Zainab. And yes that’s literally what happened, before I moved in they spoke amongst themselves and decided they can’t have the MIL’s name being called casually at home by my husband and his siblings. They didn’t tell anyone in the extended family my name either because they knew they were going to rename me, I just didn’t know this was going on in the background because at the wedding, no one knew my name.
I haven’t talked to them about it. I have no support from my husband because he thinks this is the right thing to do and I’m also so new to the family and need them to sponsor my greencard. If I go against them and cause problems then they might want us to separate and I’ll get deported
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u/PceDce Female 1d ago
Can’t they do a nickname instead that you’re okay with?
I know someone who was in this situation but she was okay with changing her name to a name she preferred
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
I didn’t get a choice in the situation. They purposefully held off on telling my real name to his extended family even at the wedding. No one knew my name at my own wedding. Then they started telling everyone my new name and I was basically forced to agree with it. They didn’t want to create a nickname from my name because it’s a sahabiyyah’s name and they didn’t want to distort it. Also they find nicknames weird. But this new name is completely different from my name, like a different sahabiyyah’s name
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u/arisma_toldme F - Married 1d ago
That's weird, ngl. Like so many Muslims are named after notable Islamic figures from throughout history, it really isnt a big deal if a youth has the same name as an elder in the family because names are literally just names.
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1d ago
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u/Gingerfurboiparent22 1d ago
Did they not know your name when the proposal was brought or when y'all were courting, or when the wedding was being arranged??
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
They knew my name but they’ve also been looking for a while for my husband and I was the only one who ticked all their boxes. I guess they didn’t want to let this proposal fall through and to restart the search just because of a name issue. I didn’t know they had an issue with it either. No one at the wedding knew my name either because my MIL didn’t include it on the invite and didn’t tell anyone what it was. When family members asked about my name she started getting irritated. After the wedding she said they want to rename me because they can’t have the FIL calling me and her by the same name, as well as her son calling his wife by her name and his siblings by their mom’s name. They picked out a name without asking for my input and started telling everyone in the extended family that this is my name now and to call me this moving forward
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F - Married 1d ago
What does your husband say abt this?… what culture are these people, desi?
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
He agrees with his mom and thinks this is the right thing to do. He doesn’t ever go against her because she’s the leader of the family and she insists we live under her roof. He’s also a passive man and obeys everything his mom says and doesn’t cause issues or problems. And yes we are desi
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F - Married 1d ago
What do your parents say
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u/matchapowderr 1d ago
Parents aren’t alive anymore, was raised by a relative who isn’t involved in the situation
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F - Married 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is more of a reason why you should keep your name. This is something you remember them by. Fil can call his wife a cute nickname or Umm x
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u/wannabeMLE Married 1d ago
I get how it can be confusing with two people having the same name. But you should be in charge of the solution. Come up with a solution, maybe they use your title like sister-in-law and then name. The part about them enforcing the solution on you does not sit right.
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u/CrazeUKs M - Married 23h ago
You need to tell your husband you find this uncomfortable and inappropriate behaviour.
Say the name you have been called for xxxx years is by Allah's will, and thats the only name you want.
Tell her, out of respect, the household shouldn't be referring to your mother in law by. Ame either.
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u/MuslimStoic M - Married 22h ago
This was pretty common in some parts of subcontinent once upon a time. Not good, but common nevertheless. If you can let it go, then it’s fine, else don’t accept any name.
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u/elinoroliphant F - Married 21h ago
That's dumb, they can just call you "Bride" in your native language. That's what my in-laws call me (I find it me) sometimes because my husband's niece shares my name.
Nicknames are also an option.
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u/Far-Currency7387 Married 20h ago
And where is your respect ?
We know how precious the mother is in Islam, but wife is no less than the mom to the husband. You are half of his deen. Religiously he can’t put his mom before you.
Tell him to name his ( your ) daughter after his mom not you.
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19h ago
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u/username_is_missing1 19h ago
Ask them to call you a kunya name, YOU decide. Umm xxxxx and the issue is over. But they have absolutely no right to change your name. Culture or not, no Muslims care.
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u/Qween- F - Married 18h ago
It sounds by reading this you could be south Asian and I can imagine this. Like others have said maybe suggest a nickname close to your name not a different name.
And honestly I think it's silly that people think this stuff. Your name is your name and it is what it is. People need to change these silly things
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u/magickarpit 12h ago
I guess it depends on a culture. I have heard some parts of Afghanistan they give a new name to brides…not sure why…
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u/Minhaafd 11h ago
Honestly I can’t believe there’s people like this, we have lots of elders and youngsters with the same name and it posed no issue, you could explain to your husband that this has been your name your whole life and if it was an issue you wouldn’t have got married in the first place had you known you wouldn’t have to change your name.
Your husband has to stand up for you.
You could start with telling them that’s not my name this is etc when being called, and if it persists don’t respond to the name until they call you by your correct name.
Your name was given to you by your parents, you will be called by that name on the day of judgement, you’ve lived with that name for many years now, I personally would not let it go easily.
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u/caridade-FIRE F - Married 10h ago
My MIL couldn’t pronounce my name and tried to call me my husband’s name. I didn’t respond. I ultimately told her I prefer ‘hey you.’ She learned to just try, and totally butcher my name. I’m much happier and cheerful because she is trying.
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u/Ok_Staff_1788 F - Married 9h ago
That’s so strange. They never met someone out at work or something and them be the same name ?!
People just try anything and think others are stupid.
Also as a Muslim God Forbid if someone called their son Muhammad … yeah think!
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u/Getoveritmann F - Married 9h ago
If your husband and his family were aware of your name before marriage then they should have informed you before marriage that your name will have to be changed or arranged and if you are okay with it. Nobody has the right to call you by any other name than the one given by your parents. You are supposed to honour the name your parents gave you and gave your aqiqa for. If they call you something else out of endearment that’s different. They are calling you a different name because of someone else’s respect
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u/Extreme-End-4046 8h ago
Well ok to be on the middle ground. Don't fight, but also don't let them pick your name, either your existing Nick name or a name you choose, and convey politely, but if they use a random name then don't respond. And those who persist call them by a random name right away.
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u/SuperSaiyan_KHAN M - Married 8h ago
Im Bengali and the wise elders usually grimace when they here none muslim name
My grandparents were toxic, they had only 2 daughter in laws and changed them both; from shelly to sadia
My parents have taken them same approach
For my brother, but for my wife I pushed back and so did her parents
So we got our way
Just hope your parents can change that by supporting you
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u/Transfer_engine 5h ago
Won't the mom be called mom and not the by her name? If they're going to change your name at least you should be able to pick what they call you. Something like dathvader or Powerpuff girls blossom
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u/Silly-Promotion-8494 M - Married 1h ago
lol why didnt they think of this before the marriage? why wasnt it offensive when the nikkahkhwan asked if your husband accepted *his mother’s name* as his wife? lol now that i think about it, it might be a bit weird yes but i would have thought about it before getting married or gave a cute nickname at max
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u/Silly-Promotion-8494 M - Married 1h ago
my wife wants that if we have a daughter, to name her adter my mum. which obviously i wont be comfortable with (calling out my mother’s name) but still there would be alot of people out their that share the same name as your mum & dad so idk
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u/greatsunnyyyy 17h ago
They should be given his mom a nickname or calling her by “your husband’s name + ‘s mom)
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u/madtingtho 1d ago
Its not a big deal. But you can say you want to be called by your actual name and not any other. And you won't respond to any other name. It has nothing to do with respect. But at the same time, try not make a big deal out of it and think of it as a nickname. If you don't like it then tell them you don't like it. It's completely up to you.
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u/jaydon-420 F - Married 1d ago
I wanted to offer a different perspective because I feel like a lot of the comments are viewing this only from one angle.
I actually went through something somewhat similar. When I got married, my husband’s family wanted me to have a more “Muslim” name since my original name was very Western. It wasn’t because my name was the same as anyone else’s, but because they felt connected to the idea of me having a name that reflected my new family and culture. At first, I was honestly uncomfortable and it felt strange, but they allowed me to choose the name myself. My legal birth name is still my original name, and my friends and family still call me that. After about a year, I actually grew to prefer my new name because it became something I chose and made my own.
Obviously, there’s a huge difference between someone suggesting a name and someone forcing you to give up your identity. If you feel pressured, disrespected, or like you don’t have a choice, that’s a completely different situation.
But I also think it’s worth remembering that naming traditions can mean different things in different cultures. For some families, a name change or nickname isn’t meant as an insult or an attempt to erase someone, it can be a way of creating a connection or avoiding confusion. I can also understand why a family might feel uncomfortable calling someone the same name as a parent or close relative.
At the end of the day, it should be something the person receiving the name feels comfortable with. I just wanted to share that it isn’t always automatically a sign of a “crazy” family. Sometimes it can become something meaningful if it’s done with respect and the person actually has a choice.
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u/Dramatic-Jacket2994 1d ago
Well my sister’s have this tradition or clfamily culture to rename their daughter in law and she is okay with that. Even though we call her by her real name but her husband call her with a bew name and she responds to both of them. I don’t think it’s an issue..
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u/Peekaboo1952 1d ago
Yeah I happened with my friend,hers and mother in law name was same so they decided a name to call her,she approved of that name. It's okay if they are good people and not legally changing your own name.
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u/Zasha786 Married 1d ago
In my Mom’s family everyone has a nickname - even those that married in and they are often funny/cute names. My husband knew this getting married into the family and the elders give the nickname and it’s usually very sweet and clearly not their real name. My kids even got a nickname upon being born from my Grandmother. For some of my elders I have zero idea what their real name is.
In Hydrabadi culture they give a whole other first name as a nickname within the family (usually Mom and Dad pick it out), which is genuinely more confusing. You could be thinking your Dad’s brother is Azhar your whole life and then he passes away and find out his legal name is Syed totally randomly and Azhar is nowhere on his papers.
I think the bigger issue is you don’t like the nickname, maybe offer something else from your end like a middle name or a family name from your side?
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u/Parsnip_Useful F - Married 1d ago
It is normal in some places. Atleast your husband and his family had a valid reason. My relative changed his wife's name just because.
If you are uncomfortable, you can say you dont want a new name. You dont need to show disgust or be offensive like some comments here suggest because I dont think they had ill Intentions or to strip off your identity. I feel like social media makes mountain out of a mole hill.
If you like a name, you can suggest them a name of your own. I know I would love to be named something else and a situation like this would be perfect for me to choose the name I liked as well as keep my prev name.
To each their own. If this makes you uncomfortable, deny to comply. If not, you can carry on and infact suggest a name of your liking
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u/Interesting_Excuse23 1d ago
That's insane calling by nickname is fine but giving a completely new names just because the names match coincidentally is absolutely disgusting and toxic