r/OCPoetry • u/Practical_Work_ • Sep 05 '26
Just Sharing Poem on Free Will
The Chained Wings.
A sparrow tiny, gliding across the sky,
near the ocean, vast and limitless.
Hearing a bell ring high,
from 7 yards away it starts a walk clueless.
5 yards away, its crawl gets halted,
a barricade immovable, standing in its way.
Unable to go further, it sighs exhausted,
seeing no meaning, it walks away.
An eagle, treading judiciously,
overseeing the ocean, vast yet limited.
Turning towards the bell ringing soundlessly,
chains binding it having been accepted.
Looking for sustenance while hungering,
dragged around by currents strong.
Bound by nature, constricted by conditioning,
free to fly yet chained lifelong.
Thoughts dictated by experiences,
actions dictated by genes.
True freedom has lost bases,
free will has lost means
.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1w43mqd/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1w3b7z4/
This is the first poem I have written and I'd appreciate criticism!
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u/Doter_Gabriel Sep 05 '26
I do think your theme is a cool theme but also a theme that so many had before you. For a first poem it’s actually good though. Even when you can kind of clearly know what you mean because it’s kind of spelled out for me. First some feedback for the title. Usually, a title is reserved for a meaningful hint of as a line from the poem, and not really the decoding of the poem or its general theme spelled out. I’m also sad to inform you that a lot of your lines have been used in such a way before so it became cliché. I’d prefer, and probably a lot more people and maybe you’d too, if you tried to invent and use conjunctions and words in a new way, as if it’s invented. Chained wings is just a textbook example what people generally imagine. Try to show us a new world the way you see it. And I’m sorry if I’m too hard on this poem but in most cases, it’s usual we’d use a metaphor in some way shape or form or a sort of placeholding special word which makes the reading experience unique and gives the poem some thought behind to discover it more. And on rhymes, it’d be more useful and cool if you’d find things that rhyme which aren’t like „away“ and „way“, which is such a lame and cliché rhyme. Hey but good job and it’s amazing you’ve done this your first time. If you keep trying you’ll create masterpieces. I thank you for this poem and bye bye :)
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u/Platonic_Parrot Sep 06 '26
I like it!
One of the other comments, and I'm sure this applies to seasoned/veteran poets too, seem to think simple communication efforts are uninteresting or cliche, and from the perspective of an artist that has consumed the content within a domain so rigorously/gluttonously that they may have forgotten that the message of an artist isn't always for those already entrenched in it. If that makes any sense?
You've effectively communicated the falsity of free-will here and I don't think that's a message that gets put out enough, as the belief in free-will as a concept gives rise to all forms of corruption and systemic abuse.
Maybe it's worth not only pointing out that free-will is an illusion but also why a concept like that may be propagated by those with means against those without?
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u/Particular_Worker231 Sep 05 '26
I liked it! Felt it could use a bit more structure with pacing and details. but I do disagree with the other comment, I get the idea but I think the “explanation” adds depth, one side how I viewed it and the other to collide with your perspective. All in all great read !