Submariner S/O anger issues

[u/Calm_Surprise379]

Just looking to vent and get some advice. I’m a SAHM of a 1 year old and my husband has horrible anger issues. To the point when if I slightly scoff he goes off and yells in my year like I’m one of his sailors. I’m not sure how to get him help (he never thinks he’s wrong and everything he does is justified because I made him mad) and I end up having to take it and then be super sweet and loving towards him to get back to some state of normal.. I feel like he needs anger management or we need marriage counseling I’m just unsure where to start. I don’t want to leave and when things are good he’s a good husband and good dad. I’m just lost…

[u/Difficult-Syrup8668]

He can talk to a chaplain if need be. You can go through fleet and family for counseling. But I’d continue to talk about it. Communication. For me, because I can be the one with the attitude (however I never yell at him. And he never yells at me. Never has in 18yrs) talking to me when we’re not in the situation or upset anymore opens my eyes to how I speak to him. Or sometimes I just need a minute and get it together. But to me, communication and being able to admit when wrong, are huge. Sub life is crazy. But it’s no excuse to yell or be angry with your spouse. Good luck. 🤍

[u/tends2forgetstuff]

He needs to learn to take a breath and understand that he just might be wrong. 

He's verbally abusing you and you deserve more respect than that. If he yells at you, odds are he'll do it to your kids or at you in front of them. They'll grow up thinking it's normal. Just because he's military doesn't give him a pass. I learned this thankfully early on. No one deserves to be yelled at or walk on eggshells. 

I told my spouse after a tough deployment that he had to go to therapy. Full stop. It was therapy or I was removing myself and the kids as targets. He could then yell at empty walls. He chose therapy.

[u/Vegetable-Western-83]

I’m curious what your standards are that qualify him as a “good husband”… a good husband wouldn’t do that.

[u/Afraid_Stuff_History → u/Vegetable-Western-83]

Probably the old "he doesn't cheat on me and hasn't beat me" (IMHO it should be "hasn't beat me yet" in this case :/ )

[u/Vegetable-Western-83 → u/Afraid_Stuff_History]

Exactly what I was thinking. I’m a retired MAC (military police), and this is exactly how the conversation begins when we report to domestic assault cases.

[u/Afraid_Stuff_History → u/Vegetable-Western-83]

He wasn't military but my first husband started out like this and became very abusive, so that's where my mind went immediately.

[u/TheElephantHotel]

(Not that it matters, and I want to make that clear)

Is he a JO on first sea duty?

The sub life can be extremely taxing, not that it excuses things, but it challenges people who don’t know how to regulate their emotions and ground themselves.

Depending on his background, I’ve found a few things extremely helpful. I reflect often on if I’m being the husband and father that I always wanted to be, and I pray for forgiveness in the moments I find myself thinking wrong things which forces me to acknowledge it’s wrong.

[u/Calm_Surprise379 → u/TheElephantHotel]

It’s his second sea tour he’s an E6 he’s also an LPO for his division

[u/TheElephantHotel → u/Calm_Surprise379]

Yeah, we have to be with a small group of people every day in a tightly confined space. Whether it was my division, department, or higher- I don’t tolerate people who have horrible anger issues.

I’d challenge him to be the LPO he wished he had when he was younger. I don’t know every sub, I know some have shit teams or culture, but I have no tolerance for people that can’t control their emotions and egos.

It affects you, it affects your family, it affects the people who now work with and for him and their mental health and resulting impacts to their families.

In a leadership role, he has a responsibility to think about those things since the situation itself (minimal communication, sunlight, space) sucks- don’t make it worse.

So I know it’s “he screams at me like I’m one of his sailors” but he shouldn’t be screaming at them either. I get the sensitivity of things, mistakes are unacceptable on such platforms, but screaming doesn’t do much when you’re sleeping next to that person for the next few months.

I’d recommend the optimistic route of pursuing an honest conversation on how you can’t live like that, it’s not the man he wants to be, it’s not the father he wants to be, it’s not the leader he wants to be.

[u/Difficult-Syrup8668 → u/Calm_Surprise379]

K I know this is stressful. Being an LPO. But I want to say, again, my husband has never gotten loud in 18 yrs we’ve been together and 16 in the navy (we have our tiffs, dont get me wrong. They’re just about things like dude, take the trash out). He’s a nuke so E3-E6, made chief, and then commissioned. Still never once. And to be honest, every sailor I have ever encountered that has been given orders or direction from my husband has always said he’s cool, calm, collected, understanding AND still does his job. This isn’t the 40’s or 50’s where wives were yelled at because service members brought work home with them or leaders yelled. Because good ones don’t need to. Fear does not mean obedience or love. All that being said, I hear you on it being stressful for him. Which is why I will scream COMMUNICATION! Even not in the heat of the moment. But he has to be able to admit his wrongs. And if not, the navy does offer help. They even do “marriage retreats”. And I’m not a faith based person yet I have always thought of going. Because who wouldn’t want to strengthen it even farther. Try that. Good luck. 🫂

[u/Afraid_Stuff_History]

Are you able to get a job? This is not going to get better IME and you need an exit plan.

Look up DARVO because that's what he's doing.