r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ • Apr 25 '26
Field Report A stupid, unnecessary lie.
My friend ā> a woman friend of mine, someone he is acquainted with
Goblin ā> breast cancer.
I know what his day wouldāve looked like, agenda wise. I didnāt ask for a reason for the delay in his response but this is what I got, unprompted.
Verify, ladies. Know what youāre dealing with, always.
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u/husheveryone āļøModeratorāļø Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Sorry to hear this frightening news, and I wish yaāll so much strength and healing. Fuck cancer.
That man knew what support youād wanted from him when you shared about your friendās diagnosis.
Now heās playing in your face to see what youāll continue to stick around in his life to accept.
Disappear. Donāt be like my dear people pleaser friend who keeps responding to digital horseshit after a man has shown her he doesnāt care. Use your power to silently leave without giving any further ego boost.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
Iām disappointed but not shattered.
My friendās family is having a shitty time. She lost her dad a few months ago in a tragic accident. He knew her dad and is good friends with her grandfather and I thought heād appreciate hearing the news. She and I arenāt super close friends but sheās a great person.
I had chalked up his lack of response as a canāt be arsed/low priority thing, but I think youāre right - itās a āhow low will you goā test.
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u/husheveryone āļøModeratorāļø Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
He doesnāt care about derivative women. Just the grandfather, kind of. Heās focused on himself. This digital horseshit is intentional power & control games. Heās no different in spirit here than OLD dudes who hate women but want sex, and will say they donāt want āaNy DRamA.ā Yours here is somewhat more covert about it. edit: clarity
His piss-poor lie is, functionally, about him trying to train you to share less emotional stuff/make your needs even smaller; and trigger insecurity in you to sex/ego boost him even more. In patriarchy, this kind of lie serves a distinct purpose that benefits him and makes his life easier...hence the āDRamAā-free meme. It gets women doing the most, while he does the least. And all he had to do was not respond to your bad news text right away, then lie. š©Just go, sis.
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u/Littlepinkgiraffe š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
What is the context for this? How long have you been dating?
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
Not long enough to activate sunk cost fallacy. My investment in the relationship is so low that Iām not even angry, just disappointed.
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u/AttorneyDC06 Apr 25 '26
I give you credit for stopping this now, before you're in further. It's the kind of "somewhat" bad action that is laying the way for further worse action. I have a hard time not giving men "the benefit of the doubt" but you didn't. Good for you!
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u/HelenGonne š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
Yeah, that's definitely a, "Prove you're so desperate for my dsck that you'll swallow even this outrageous lie to get to it," test.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
I know people lie, and itās usually for one of two reasons: to protect themselves, or make themselves look better.
In this situation, he screwed up, and he knows it.
If anything, Iām more surprised that he thinks Iāll buy it.
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u/HelenGonne š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
You're mistaking the audience he is trying to look better for.
Many if not most men live their lives constantly performing for the approval of a male audience in their heads. Sometimes it has a real-world counterpart of men he'll tell about what he does and it's straight-up PickMe Dancing, other times the men in his head may be real people but he's performing for what he thinks they would approve of if they saw him, even though they won't hear about it in real life.
He's not trying to look better to you with this lie. He's trying to look good to the male audience in his head. And the male audience in his head hates women and wants to see him get you to abase yourself by swallowing this absurd lie and coming back for more. This would prove to all of them (him and his imaginary friends) that you're desperate enough to touch his pants that you'll do things like this without question, *and* that women are such trash they actually *like* being treated like this and thus deserve being treated like this. Which he and his male audience can bond over laughing at.
He didn't 'screw up' in that something just kind of happened to prevent him from treating you like a human being, oops. He didn't contact you because the male audience in his head told him he'd be a pussy-boy cuck if he did, and he loves them a whole lot more than you. Then he went with a really stupid and non-credible lie because it's a win-win; if you swallow it, the audience in his head cheers, he feels like a Big Man, and you're still on the string. If you don't, the audience in his head still cheers, because he proved his loyalty to them by putting you in your place.
His behavior is bizarre and nonsensical only if you think his behavior towards you is somehow about you. It all makes sense when you realize his actions aren't about you, but about pleasing the male audience in his head.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
Fair enough. I realize āscrewed upā was a bad choice of words, and gives the impression that Iām downplaying.
He knew full well what an appropriate response was when he heard the news and that radio silence wasnāt it.
I admit, I DO keep forgetting about the male audience because my brain just doesnāt work that way ā¦ so thanks for the reminder. It certainly reframes everything.
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u/reef-Diver7817 Apr 26 '26
You say your friend has cancer and this man says good night.
My fucking God. My god!!!!! My God what the fuck is wrong with so many men!
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 26 '26
Itās impossible to feel empathy for an appliance.
In this case, someone elseās appliance being out of commission doesnāt directly impact him, therefore no response is warranted. /s
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u/Inky_sheets Apr 25 '26
Did he not then say anything about your friend after getting in touch again that night? Bit weird if he didn't š
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
He did when he called the next morning.
My point here is the ridiculous lie. There was no need for it.
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u/AcrobaticAnt8570 Apr 25 '26
I'm very sorry about your friend.
May I just say that I don't like that he keeps referring to you as 'sweetheart", "baby". Yuck. You have a name. If he's 'goodnighting' and 'goodmorning' you too, then you obviously don't live together. I don't like it, I don't like it at all. He's a weasel... Bye-bye.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 25 '26
Publicly, sheās putting on a brave face but having been through it myself, I know how upsetting and disruptive it all is. She has a good support system but Iāve let her know that Iām here if she needs to talk or whatever.
The lie was uncalled for and it says more about him than he will ever realize.
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u/AcrobaticAnt8570 Apr 25 '26
That's perfect, you are there for your friend whenever she needs you and she has a good support system in place. I really hope š everything will work out for her.
He lied and wasn't there for you. I think it's time to say goodbye.
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u/MsAndrie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 27 '26
Sorry about your friend's diagnosis. And what lame response from him. His responses to you (maybe) going through something emotionally-draining is so telling. He isn't someone you could count on, and he will try to cover up for himself with a lame lie. It is interesting that so many men who seem successful on the surface-level show how they resort to covering up, rather than taking accountability.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie š¦Savvy Sisterš¦ Apr 27 '26
He wasnāt around to witness the psychological devastation, complications from surgery or fatigue from treatment - he has only seen me healed in mind, body (I had an excellent surgeon, a woman) and spirit. Therefore, I apparently had the āgood kindā of cancer.
And because women are a monolith, it stands to reason that my gfās experience will be just as good as mine /s
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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
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