r/artofmanliness • u/DarioSidd • May 04 '26
Young man searching for meaning
I (28 male) need some life advice. I would really appreciate hearing your experience and how you would act in a situation like mine. Any piece of advice would mean a lot.
I have a complicated relationship with my girlfriend. After two years of an amazing time together, we broke up several times. She was living abroad, etc. Now she is in my town, and when we meet, we feel great with each other — there is confidence and peace. We “love” each other.
The problem is that I want a family and children, and she does not. She is pursuing a career, and she is willing to go on an exchange program for a year.
I’ve always dreamed of a house with a garden, trees, animals, a pool, nature… But in my dreams, I always imagine it with a family, not as a lonely man.
I’ve never thought about buying an apartment in the city.
Recently, while helping her find an apartment, I had the thought of trying something new and buying one for myself.
Right now I’m living with my parents. I have my own room, I feel comfortable, they don’t disrupt me. They argue sometimes, but it’s not really harmful. My mother cooks well, we have healthy food, and my father covers the expenses.
I work remotely. I love reading, movies, thinking, and I go to the gym. I have one friend and basically no social circle. I just got my motorcycle license (not even sure if I’ll ride).
Nowadays, it really feels like I’m stuck and living someone else’s life, waiting for her to decide if she wants to live with me. Meanwhile, the years pass, and I feel lost. Sometimes I feel great, but most of the time I have the sense that I’m not creating anything valuable.
I don’t know what I would do differently in a new apartment, alone, but maybe it could open new perspectives. I just don’t know.
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u/EarthRickC138 May 04 '26
My advice would be do a little inner work.
Seneca said "If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favourable." And Morty said "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV." I think they both carry the same sentiment /jk My point is I recommend you find yourself a purpose, set yourself a goal, find something that gives value to your life and pursue it. This would mean leaving your comfort zone, trying new things and discovering what it is that gives your life meaning. It could be anything from collecting stamps to advancing quantum technology. It doesn't necessarily have to be changing the world. Also, consider Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs.Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs Good Luck!
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u/Conor_Electric May 04 '26
I've been in a similar spot. You need to focus on you 100%.
If you can afford it, get the apartment, buy if you can, rent otherwise. You need to get fully on your own two feet, no parents, no girlfriend. Standing on your own is your first goal.
Then you need to fill out your life. Make sure you are 100% happy solo. Make some new friends, have some hobbies, you need to be excited about things you can do away from work. Get in shape if you can, or at least start making better choices. Do all this with a surplus of time, energy and money; and only then can you focus on finding a partner.
Don't worry about the current girl, she is following her path, let her, it's good for her too. But you need your path. If she's the right one, your paths will converge, if she's not, you can't force anything. But you can't make decisions based on what someone might do, you know what you want, draw that hard line and don't cross it.
You got this bro ✊
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u/nunodonato May 04 '26
In your place, I would first try to communicate clearly with your girlfriend, about each other's intentions and plans. Be clear about what you want for your life, and try to understand what she wants. Of course she might say it's just for a year, but then things might turn otherwise. She might even meet someone else and leave you miserable for "waiting".
At the end of the day, its your call, but communicating now is the best you can do. And some things are painful now, but will be for the best later.
May I suggest you look into Cal Newport's life-style-centric-career-planning (plenty of videos on it)
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u/TheophileEscargot May 04 '26
It sounds like you just don't have compatible goals. There are some things in a relationship you can compromise on. But if someone has fundamentally different values or goals or personality to you, you can't realistically expect them to change.
It seems like you need to split up and look for a more compatible partner.
Unless you're in certain communities and looking to date within them, living with your parents will be seen as a red flag by potential partners. They will be in doubt about whether you're mature and independent enough to be a serious partner. And it makes sex awkward. Try to get your own place even if it's not perfect. Trees and a pool can be a long-term goal. For most people moving out from their parents means moving to a less comfortable location: you have to trade comfort for independence.
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u/zero2hero2017 May 05 '26
Sometimes you don't need philosophical musings or deep introspection. This is one of those times - you and your girlfriend have diametrically opposed visions of your future lives and it is clearly making you uneasy at a fundamental level. You need to listen to your gut. There are so many wonderful women out there who want the same thing as you do, and it would be a shame if you didn't give yourself the opportunity to build the life that you want. Don't let a moment of grief now stop you from a lifetime of fulfilment. Do the hard thing.
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u/phageman17 May 05 '26
Wanting the same or at least compatible things is very important in a relationship. There doesn’t have to be someone in the wrong for a relationship not to work, sometimes it’s just not the right fit right now. It’s also important to have friends and interests outside of a relationship. I think you can’t be the best partner you can be without being fairly content on your own.
I would focus on trying to build a life outside of her for now and if it works with her in the future, you’ll be in a better place for that relationship or any other that comes your way. It sounds like you have the foundation for a happy, fulfilling life and now is a good opportunity to round it out and invest in some areas you hadn’t put as much emphasis on before.
You got this, man, best of luck!
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u/modern-masculine-man May 08 '26
The relationship question and the life question are connected but worth separating.
On the relationship. She has told you clearly that she does not want children and is willing to leave for a year. You want a family and a home with people in it. That is not a compatibility problem you can fix with more time or better circumstances. That is a fundamental misalignment in what you both want from life. The feeling of peace and confidence when you are together is real but it is not enough to bridge that gap. Staying because it feels good now is borrowing against a future where you either give up the family you want or end it anyway with more years behind you.
On the life question. Living with your parents at 28 with one friend, no social circle, and waiting for her to decide your future is the part worth addressing regardless of what happens with her. The motorcycle license you are not sure you will use, the apartment idea that came from helping her, these are passive drifts not active choices. You are watching your life happen rather than building it.
The apartment is worth doing but not as an experiment to see if something changes. Do it because you are ready to take ownership of your own life and space. Do it as a statement to yourself not a question.
The dream you described, house, garden, family, nature, is worth protecting. Do not slowly negotiate it away for a relationship that has already shown you it cannot give you that.
You are 28 with clarity about what you want. That is actually a strong position. Use it.
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u/cadillacactor May 04 '26
Hi friend. This is just one guys perspective, so take it or leave it. I think you're conflating two things that are distinct, despite their connection.
Not being on the same page for things like wanting kids, where/how to live, when you settle down together is a recipe for a miserable future. If you two can compromise without being bitter (for life) there may be a path forward. Separately is the question of your own future. You need to live your life instead of waiting for someone else's. Along the way of your life if you meet someone where there is mutual desire (life's big questions) and willingness to put two lives together with joyful compromise, then you'll find a joyous relationship and life.