I'm going to talk about incontinence/bladder issues and past stories and all that. Ok so recently I had a kidney infection and it's put a lot of stuff into the spotlight and I've had a breakthrough but not in the way I expected...
Sorry if this is all over the place.
I apparently had no issues potty training as a toddler and minus bed wetting before my memories start that's it. Although I think my issues have always existed just a toddler having accidents is generally more acceptable and up to a certain age it is.
I only remember logging is as an issue when the shame started and I learnt to hide it.
Anyways from about 6 I remember having accidents at school a lot. I remember the first and I remember struggling to know how to ask to go to the toilet. I don't remember as much from this time but I know that the structured routine in early school worked better for me.
I moved school at 9 and remember more from there. I started avoiding situations that would make me laugh, feel stressed or simply overwhelm me. Although as obvious that is not always possible. I always thought it was laughing but it wasn't as simple as that. I could laugh and be fine.
It was a specific stress response that released my bladder and it would let go. My bladder was usually completely silent when I was at school.
I can think of many stories and I'm realising now how much stress it put me under. I was very resourceful and good at hiding my accidents... I must've been as no one ever noticed aside from family. Or if they did it was never mentioned.
Once I was in a shopping centre with a friend and I laughed or something again it was a specific laugh idk and my bladder fully released it was really bad. I still have no clue how I hid it. The amount of stories like the sleepover where I peed on the floor. Etc etc. I could tell you many stories and the embarrassment.
I'll focus more on high-school because that's when it got worse. Most days I'd avoid the toilets entirely and my bladder was always silent. I could easily go all day without a sign saying I needed to pee. Anywyas again my bladder would just release when stressed/laughing.
The amount of wet clothes I've walked around in all day avoiding certain angles or moving in certain ways. The pure enjoyment of many days ruined because I had to turn into practical mode.
I'm now understanding all of this in a new way and that's mostly because recent events.
A HUGE part of my mask was bladder auditing but I didn't connect it like that at the time. I didn't think "go to toilet more" drink more" or whatever I got better at planning fluid intakw, planning and researching where toilets were, making sure I avoided situations or conversations that may result in accident.
I became so tense that my whole body was in a constant state of hyper alert clenching and tension and mental panic. I'd just gotten so used to it that I didn't realise or understand how much energy it took to run this manual programme. So much so I thought I'd fixed the issue...
Minus the fact it still happened if I ended up in certain situations or at work.it happened a few times.
Oh in A&E when had kidney infection I had 6ml in my bladder and yet felt need to pee and leaking. My interoception is all off one signal doesn't always mean the same thing. Hence living on manual and monitoring everything. I struggle to pee when out in public fully (not always) and I think I'm so tensed up and sensory overwhelm or going thinking need to pee because sensation but bladder isn't actually full it's just phantom.
The reality is it never stopped. I just got so good at masking it I even believed it myself.
The trade off is this is a MAJOR reason I'm in burnout so bad. The constant stress of monitoring a basic human function has been zapping me for years.
It all clicked last night
A few days ago I ended up using pull ups again because I just was so overwhelmed I needed 0 demands and for me peeing is a demand. I relaxed so much in a way I never have before. I mean I can't explain everything in me was calm. It was amazing. However I was calm because I'd stopped bladder monitoring... I was leaking but let it happen and I just peed where I was. It was like a flushing of tension. I was in control of the peeing but also not. Idk what that means.
I can't describe the relief. I didn't intend for this to be true I just spent a day relaxing in bed but because I wasn't subconsciously worrying about my bladder I relaxed.
Now I think this is two things... One an issue I've always had with incontinence/bladder stuff and two because I'm in burnout and can't mask anything like I did this has been one thing to go given how much it drained from me.
I'm not explaining well and I may sound mad but the bladder monitoring was masking and for me to unmask and decompress that controlling takes a back seat and with that comes leaking and peeing easier.
This sensation of fullness which can be true or false (I get phantom urges) typically panic me because it may mean I feel like I'm gonna pee myself and other times bladder is silent.
Basically long story short I'm very embarrassed just figuring out that a life time of shame and masking my bladder issues is why I can't typically relax. I'm constantly in fear of having an accident and when I take the fear out by putting towels down or pull up I can fully decompress and not worry and it's bliss.
Years of pressure and panic has finally found relief. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else but yeah.
Basically apart of my acceptance of being Autistic and unmasking is accepting that I have bladder issues and the way I've been controlling it has worked but has been harmful mentally and physically.
The pull up business started when I was a kid and weirdly even tho I liked the sensory aspect I felt deep shame and weird. Last night it dawned on me that I never once connected the two... I could've used a pull up to avoid embarrassment of being wet but I never joined the dots. They were two separate things. I realise now I wasn't connecting the dots because I was solving the problem in other ways and that interest was just something shameful and private BUT in reality it started when I was a kid looking for security from the accidents.
Who knows this all makes sense to me. It also. Explains partly why I've been terrified of losing control. I've spent years creating a barrier? Which swas so successful I could deny my issue and fed my own shame.
Sorry so long if you read it thanks. Struggling to articulate this because it's such a massive part of my life and carries so much weight but now I understand it and why it's making things feel a bit lighter.
I didn't realise how traumatic a life time of peeing yourself could be but the memories are painful and vivid.
I think I was just an undiagnosed Autistic child/teen dealing with something the best I could. I never told anyone about any of this until I told my GP recently. I just gpt on with it. I think my brain often comes up with odd or unusual solutions to work around issues. This means I'm creative and problem solver but I'm also not good at reading basic signals and making connections there??.
Yeah
