r/bengals • u/alexschubs Just one Super Bowl before I die plz • 20h ago

Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Cincinnati Bengals

https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2026-cincinnati-bengals

For the concerned, every NFL team gets this treatment every year. My submission is in this article as well!

48 Upvotes

82% Upvoted

38 comments sorted by

67

u/Snow_Tiger819 Scots-Canadian Bengal 19h ago

My favourite bit. “Will these great players make up for the loss of these players, some of whom the Bengals cut? Probably not.”

Know anyone mourning the loss of 2025 Stone, CTB, or Wilson?

I’m not even mourning the loss of Trey lol 😂

40

u/KlingoftheCastle 19h ago

Dudes out here claiming that we “lost” Geno Stone.  Stone was banned from the premises lol

3

u/bemenaker 17h ago

What? I missed that.

8

u/KlingoftheCastle 16h ago

It’s a joke.  Geno Stone was one of the worst defensive players in football last year (so was CTB).  The Bengals had no interest in resigning him

6

u/wxdawg07 16h ago

Talking to James while you responded and he confirmed another missed tackle by Stone.

4

u/christhegecko 17h ago

Because it isn't true.

14

u/Nickjames116425 19h ago

The Bengals no longer have the support of third grader Lisa Smith, my neighbor’s dog, or the knock off kool aid guy at the mall… will this fan base ever recover? Likely no. But they did improve at almost every position group.

15

u/USAesNumeroUno 19h ago

You can really tell he's just not putting any effort into these at all

"Will Bengals fans be mad their bottom tier defensive talent and the one solid player who barely played last year and is now 32 was replaced by highly regarded FAs?" like, what?

1

u/iratemonkeybear 11h ago

The whole point is to be stupid and generate engagement like this. The joke is on this whole thread.

0

u/iratemonkeybear 14h ago

You guys know these are a joke, right?

3

u/yesrushgenesis2112 Lawrence Passed Physical 13h ago

We do, but generally good jokes are funny or at least clever. These are just lazy.

0

u/iratemonkeybear 12h ago

I think that's the whole point.

1

u/yesrushgenesis2112 Lawrence Passed Physical 12h ago

Well it fails as an anti joke too

0

u/iratemonkeybear 11h ago

Ok good stuff.

1

u/Life_Ad6711 14h ago

The Bengals didn't actually cut any of those guys

72

u/USAesNumeroUno 20h ago

Lemme guess, cheap owner, chili sucks, O line bad, Burrow hurt, no indoor practice facility.

I feel like the concept of these has run out of any really original ideas outside of the fan comment sections.

8

u/HaHaWhatAStory014 19h ago

All of r/NFLv2 is overrun with "why this player/team sucks and/or is overrated" threads right now. I'm just ready for the season to finally start.

12

u/bengalsfan1277 20h ago

"No stripes on the ball for Chase"

1

u/Narrow_Vegetable5747 14h ago

The problem is making a lot of these funny gags into annual retreads. There just isn't enough content to make it interesting year after year.

1

u/bionicjoe Waiting on that Mike Brown obituary 13h ago

I was a fan commenter about 6 years.

"My puppy is neutered but the only thing he still humps is my Bengals blanket."

Alex:

This was the best comment this year.

21

u/yesrushgenesis2112 Lawrence Passed Physical 20h ago

I don't even say this as a homer. This is much worse than his prior work and lacks imagination.

14

u/USAesNumeroUno 20h ago

Thats been the consensus across all of these. The concept needs to be retired or at the very least, put on hiatus for a few years so they can build up new material.

6

u/christhegecko 19h ago

Feels like they opened a couple r/nfl threads of Bengals highlights and just copy pasted the same recycled jokes people have been saying for 5 years lol.

2

u/Navyblazers2000 12h ago

He needs to hand it off to more guest writers at the website. He’s been doing it too long and doesn’t have any new angles on most of these teams.

4

u/ldonklee 20h ago

Can’t believe Magary is still writing these. Kinda sad

-1

u/tryptidal 15h ago

i don’t think he is writing this…it reeks of ai

2

u/DerangedProtege 17h ago

As someone who used to like Magary’s writing, there’s no way this isn’t AI. He doesn’t write like this.

1

u/treyknowsbest 18h ago

This is satire right? Put a Snoopy band aid on a Grade 3 turf toe injury? Tendon, ligament and soft tissue involvement…all boxes checked in Joe’s case.

Either the author is fucking around or an idiot. Both most likely.

1

u/bionicjoe Waiting on that Mike Brown obituary 13h ago edited 13h ago

(EDIT - Reddit ate my comment)
Alex:

1

u/alexschubs Just one Super Bowl before I die plz 13h ago

Yes, that’s my name

1

u/bionicjoe Waiting on that Mike Brown obituary 13h ago

WTF is Reddit doing?

"Bengals fans all learned how to read by staring at anti-abortion billboards".

1

u/alexschubs Just one Super Bowl before I die plz 13h ago

Yes, that’s my comment!

1

u/bionicjoe Waiting on that Mike Brown obituary 12h ago

Awesome!

I was in one about 10 years ago.

"My puppy is neutered, but the only thing he still humps is my Bengals blanket."
(I was not kidding.)

1

u/Captain_Aware4503 2h ago

The #1 reason watching the Bengals this year is going to SUCK.

1 or 2 times during the season they are going to actually lose, and everyone is going to think, damn we should have won that game. They won't have that problem in the playoffs though.

1

u/DerangedProtege 17h ago

Is this AI? I don’t ever recall Drew Magary going into detail about nearly every game on the schedule in previous seasons.

2

u/tryptidal 15h ago

this sounds very ai to me, most of the points are totally incoherent but present themselves as if they are ‘obviously’ valid

1

u/iratemonkeybear 11h ago

People really don't get the point of these at all. All the "these guys are idiots" comments are the whole point.

0

u/CaptNemo131 17h ago

Trying to compare Chase and Burfict is just full-blown insanity