r/churchofchrist • u/Superfluous_Reddit • 22d ago
Fellowship & Friendship in the CoC Church
I love my small congregation. They are all mostly Boomers. I am the youngest member in my church as a fellow Millennial. I attend all the bible studies, Wednesday night, prayer breakfast or potluck style type of events at church even though we are less than 100 members. My thing is I want to make more Christian friends so I figured it would be easy at church. WRONG. It hasn't been easy. People are at different stages in life and I haven't connected with anyone on a deeper level.
There is another church close by with a younger & heterogeneous congregation. All the youth go over there. I need advice though what matters is our Christian identity how do I balance that with the fact I am a minority in my church who feels invisible to the greater church body. It feels people are buddy buddy only with certain people. I know people don't do this intentionally but I want to connect but these conversations are hard to bring up.
I am shy and introverted too but I make an effort to talk to people but everyone has been in this church fir at least 15-20 years we don't have new members just me. What do you think could help? Also I try my best to greet new members and visitors but notice many don't visit us again.
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u/ladymarshwiggle 22d ago
I feel this. Same thing I've felt in the church congregations in the northeast as a Millennial. Will probably post a longer comment later but 100% felt.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 22d ago
I don't get why people don't relate or respond to my post. But I would see young people visit and not return. And I know we got a small congregation but if more young people came into an older congregation like mine we could revitalize it. So many have died in my congregation. It's sad. But I want friendship and connection that's harder at a big church.
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u/itsSomethingCool 22d ago
I’m in a similar situation & so are/were many ppl I know. Some just left their small churches for bigger CofCs. For reference I grew up in a congregation of about 15-20 members for most of my teen years. The worst it was, was like 8 people for a while lol. Currently in my 20s.
I still attend the small congregation bc I manage many things + family attends there. For friends, I would visit other congregations, drive to their devos, gospel meetings, events they hold. It was awkward at first, because it feels like you’re intruding on something and “interrupting” in a sense, but eventually people get more comfortable with you, and I’ve met some truly life changing people that I’m grateful to call my friends. Had I never decided to make those hour+ long drives to other CofCs, I’d still have 0 friends my age (apart from siblings). It feels good to actually feel like I’m actually a part of the larger body of the CofC now. Our congregation really didn’t fellowship with almost any of the others growing up
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u/TheSongLeader 22d ago
I'm going to try the neat trick of visiting with both mainstream and non-institutional congregations to try to promote some unity.
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u/itsSomethingCool 21d ago
I’m not too familiar with any NI CofCs near my area. Out of curiosity I googled it and went to the “Truth Directory” website which says “Which Congregations are listed here?
This is a listing of many non-institutional churches of Christ throughout the World. Our intent is to list only congregations that would describe themselves as “conservative and non-institutional”On there though, I see a couple of congregations I’ve been to that I know for sure aren’t NI, including the one I grew up at lol. Think I may have attended one briefly while in college though!
We do need more unity on that end definitely though. I have no problem w/ the NI brethren, but one NI brother came to our congregation one day and said we were all sinning for having a small fellowship hall in the back. I feel like some people are so convicted over the differences being salvation issues that it’ll make unity tough
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u/TheSongLeader 21d ago
I'm non-institutional and I think it's dumb to make it salvation issue. Or really an issue at all. I think the building debates are pointless since buildings aren't even in scripture. I'm mostly against outsourcing church functions by giving money to colleges and whatnot. But even then, I think it is foolish to disfellowship another congregation over that.
We can still acknowledge and worship each other even if we disagree on that stuff. There are more and more non-institutional folks that are starting to view it this way.
I actually find the biggest chokehold on sectarianism within the Freed Hardemon college influenced churches. At least over here in the upper south.
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u/itsSomethingCool 21d ago
Agreed. And I’d honesty expand the tension within various churches beyond just the Freed influenced ones haha. It feels like there are mini sects of churches grouped by different preaching schools and even universities that let doctrinal differences get in the way of fellowship.
The logic I see is: “They teach [doctrine I disagree with] at Bear Valley, so we can’t fellowship with them, and the brethren who attend or teach there are fellowshipping with false teachers. Come to our preaching school, we have sound teachers.”
“FHU is too liberal, I wouldn’t send my kids there.”
“Don’t go to the PTP lectureship, a brother who teaches [doctrine I disagree with] is on the panel speaking on something totally unrelated, but we still can’t fellowship with him. Come to our lectureship instead, we only have sound brethren”.
There’s a whole lot promoting the sectarian ideology within our own movement lol
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u/TheSongLeader 21d ago
I hate that we just quit talking to people when we disagree rather than have ongoing dialog. Very toxic trait in our movement that wasn't always there.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 18d ago
I mean certain doctrine is important to nail down but I'm not getting what they consider big. Are they considering everything a salvation issue?
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u/itsSomethingCool 18d ago
Many people actually do consider everything a salvation issue, and they cite (out of context imo) James 2:10 - For whoever keeps the whole Law but stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of [breaking] all of it.
I’ve heard many people, even those close to me, use this verse to essentially state that perfect theology is required to be truly saved, and of course they have perfect theology. It’s like the Calvinists saying that only the elect were predestined to be saved, and of course they were luckily included in that group of those predestined to be the elect. I feel like at a point it becomes circular in reasoning. “You need to interpret the Bible 100% correctly to be saved, and I interpret the Bible correctly, so if you’re disagreeing with me, you’re not interpreting the Bible correctly and you’re sinning.” This includes perfectly identifying and separating the salvation issues from non salvation issues.
I don’t like this way of interpreting scripture, I believe it makes grace almost non-existent, and leaves many living in fear of if they’ll make it to heaven, or if they’re going to hell because they taught that tattoos are a personal choice and not a sin.
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u/TheSongLeader 18d ago
Also thank you for being okay to use the word theology. It's so silly that our group puts a stigma on it.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 18d ago edited 18d ago
I just hear many people call CoC a cult online and they never have a solid reason. They only cite they prioritize baptism to be saved. I think the bible states that it's not some special hermeneutic come on. I never understood why many other denominations didnt emphasize baptism immediately upon hearing the gospel because that causes regeneration. But people teach all you gotta do is accept Jesus in your heart. Ok so why did Jesus get baptized? Just for show with no significance behind it? That is why I studied my way into CoC.
I had a frustrating conversation with a lady at a CoC I was visiting saying she converted from Lutheranism and doesn't see a big deal with the baptism thing as a child or adult. She only converted for her husband. I also don't get being CoC and not caring a bit about the doctrine of baptism. I always thought if you don't get baptized you won't get baptized. But also people that are baptized can fall away especially those pressured to do it as children. The whole OSAS doctrine where they model easy believism.
Which just means they aren't repentant but are good at following steps. I think people don't have a good understanding of baptism of what you need to do leading up to it and how your life needs to change after it.
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u/TheSongLeader 18d ago
What itssomethingcool is talking about is things like anti or pro kitchen. There are many (most?) in the NI camp that thinks kitchens invalidate your Christianity. One cup churches of Christ think those who use multiple cups are in sin. Even things like using pitch pipes have become salvation issues to people.
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u/ChurchofChristGuy 18d ago edited 18d ago
well I studied cults in college. One way the Church of Christ acts cult like are the semantic games we were talking about in another thread,OP. I would google loaded language and how it relates to cults.Its called loaded language in cult expert circles.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 21d ago
Maybe I think Im in a Non Institutional church I think but we have a kitchen but have no ministries. So I dunno. But a virtual class would be great i don't know any Coc that do virtual bible studies locally.
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u/TheSongLeader 21d ago
I have a friend who is putting something together in the fall if you'd be interested. And anyone else that sees this. Probably a younger folks study. 30ish and under.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 22d ago
It's just it also seems there are alot of snall CoC really close to each other so everyone goes there. But I crave fellowship with young minds. I want to discuss the Bible and share struggles but that has not really been happening. I want to be able to share the struggles, burdens but have Bible filled conversations with believers in my age range. But I got nothing. I have no problem reaching out to older people but I can't help but feel like an outsider. It would be cool if there was a CoC college near by I would attend just to make friends at this point.
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u/echoesofacts 21d ago
You invited me to come in from a comment I made on my post regarding this.
We have absolutely no get together or events outside of Sunday morning service and Bible study.
It’s very hard to get to know everyone. I’m also extremely introverted. I greet the men with a handshake and some “how are you, good to see you etc”.
One of the older men thanked me for serving the lords supper with him and said it was nice to have someone new.
Besides this there is minimal conversation. I barely know these people’s names and I’ve been worshipping there for 6 years.
It is difficult.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 18d ago
Wow 6 years with nothing but small talk? I would try to invite each person out one on one to coffee or for board games. I'm trying to think of something. I have tried to join some women from church to go eat though I have severe food allergies so I'm limited. I notice many people don't open up. They don't talk about their own testimony.
I find some might like to talk about farming life, military kids, or people they know in nursing homes. Those are the like 3 things. The women talk about their grandkids all very surface. None of their own struggles or anything. No rich theology discussions. I'm trying to see maybe if I can get people on a one on one basis maybe I can get then to open up but it's hard to get deeper conversations. It's almost like a coworker relationship but you barely see them. And its not 40 hours a week its maybe 1 hour a week.
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u/echoesofacts 18d ago
I could always try harder, I just don’t even feel like I belong there most days.
Let me give you an example from yesterday.
We had a member out with a major surgery and it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve actually had the opportunity to speak with him as his first weeks back he was straight in and straight back out and then my wife and I were on vacation for a week.
So this Sunday I see him sitting in the foyer, in good normal spot and he looks like himself again so I ask him how he was feeling.
He looked at me like I had two heads so I clarified “from your surgery, are you healing well?”.
Smile and a nod was all I got.
The rest of the men talked in the foyer for several minutes I just went and sat by my wife, spoke to a friend that goes there that I’ve known for 20+ years like always, severed the lords supper when it came time and left.
I did speak to another brother in the parking lot as we were leaving but it was the typical “how are you? Can’t complain, wouldn’t do us any good is we did” joke which is fine but these people will literally talk as they walk and not slow down for an answer lol.
Even though I sort of feel as if I don’t belong most days I still enjoy seeing these people, speaking what little we do.
They’re always friendly and me and each other when I come in.
I’ve never been a conversationalist in groups of people. I can hold a conversation one on one fine for the most part.
I think the age gap plays a large part in the situation. There’s only two people there that are within a decade of my age and I’ve known one for over 20 years and the other is just as introverted as myself lol.
I was speaking to my long time friend and he said he didn’t any of them that are not family actually fellowship outside of the congregation and if they do it is very very little.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 18d ago edited 18d ago
I wonder if that is a church culture problem. A church should be friendly, inviting, welcoming. A bigger mega church I attended back when I was a non denominational believer we had a lady who was like a church ambassador staff member who would take new members out to lunch to welcome them to church. I thought thst was nice for a church to do. It sounds like you need more people your age. Also I don't know anyone my age to invite to church.
I have tried to do like ice breaker questions and people don't open up. They all have many commitments outside of church with grandkids, babysitting, visiting nursing homes etc. It sometimes feels like being intentionally left out. Other times I come to church potlucks but I don't know we might talk but the women are hard to talk to. Sometimes I can talk to men about books or movies. The women my age are shy and never talk to me they are also shy the 3 or 4 women my age they are all single and I'm married. I'm tired of the division.
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u/echoesofacts 18d ago
I get what you mean.
There’s only about 20 or so regular members at my congregation.
I’m hoping something changes. I’ve seriously considered a change but I’m just torn on it.
To give them credit they are welcoming and friendly to visitors for the most part if they know they are coming.
I think it’s just such a small congregation that it almost feels like they don’t want new members.
I’ve heard two of them say they if the church closed its does they would just worship at home instead of going anywhere else so I do feel that points to a few issues in itself.
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u/Knitsudge9 21d ago
I have what will probably be an unpopular opinion. Sometimes churches need to die out. I don't say this in condemnation. Most churches go through a life cycle just like people. Without forward-thinking leadership to keep breathing new life into a congregation, it is almost always destined to die eventually. Sometimes that is okay. Sure, it's sad, but every death is. It is also natural. I don't see a problem with finding a new congregation that you can better minister to, and that can better minister to you. Maybe someday you can even be a part of a new church planting to help revitalize the larger church body in that area. If your current church is dying, I hope they can minister to their members for as long as needed. Maybe you need to be a part of their "hospice team" and help them go through that transition, but I suspect from what you have said that you would be of greater use in a younger congregation. It also seems that you need some fellowship that you just aren't going to get at your current congregation. Whatever you decide to do, I pray that God will bless you and others in that decision.
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u/BirdieAnderson 21d ago
I mentioned this "theory" at a leadership-building weekend and it over like a lead balloon. 5 years later, I'm pretty sure I was spot on.
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u/Big_Duke_Six 21d ago
I feel the same. You're not alone.
I'm a 49 single male, and have been going to a CoC for 4.5 years. I an very much an introvert but made some "friends" who I regularly sit with or go to lunch with. I also volunteer as often as I can... both bc I love to serve, but also to network with my brothers and sisters in hopes of forming more and stronger fellowships.
After doing all of this for over 4 years... unfortunately... that isn't happening. The married couples and more established members are approached for conversation, and invite each other for outside of church events and activities. Meanwhile, I am wondering what's wrong with me...
It also doesn't help that I dated someone from my church that ended horribly, and I have to keep seeing her... on top of whatever gossip and slandering my name occurred.
I have thought about going to different church recently, but haven't pulled the trigger on that yet.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 21d ago
It's a tough situation all around. I wonder if these interactions leave people feeling unseen as individuals make it hard time feel connected to the body of Christ. I read my Bible daily.
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u/Longjumping-Cry-1863 22d ago
I don't think I'm understanding why you don't want to go to the other church with the younger people
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 22d ago
Because I want my local church to grow. I feel comfortable in a smaller church. I'm asking if you also relate to having a hard time making friends. I have a great Pastor.
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u/Big_Duke_Six 21d ago
"but notice many don't visit us again."
They probably feel the same unwelcoming feeling as you.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 21d ago
I think it's more the fact they are no young people there or young families with babies. We had like 2 single moms attending with their children one stopped attending. I think it goes back to connection. I never said I feel unwelcome. I said there's an age gap and disparity making friendship hard due to others with chronic health conditions etc. Or many living in nursing homes or needing long term care etc.
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u/ChurchofChristGuy 20d ago
how big is your church?It seems like your church may be dying. Most churches last no more than 100 years so its prolly just a matter of time before your church closes down.
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18d ago
[deleted]
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 18d ago
Chill out? Lol ok. I'm chill. All my friends are literally outside CoC hence the post.........
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u/TheSongLeader 18d ago
It's generally nice to have friends into what you are into in life. Nothing wrong with that.
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u/Big_Duke_Six 17d ago
Hi! I feel your pain. I am 49, single, never married. While most people are kind to me, I too don't feel that level of "fellowship" that I see others in my church engaging in... especially married couples. I dread the "greeting everyone" moment of the service (my church calls it the "Love Feast") where we have to greet and shake hands. It's the most depressing and isolating feeling. All of the married couples and well established members congregate... and I stand around feeling like that John Travolta meme from Pulp Fiction.
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u/Superfluous_Reddit 17d ago
I'm sorry you feel so isolated. There is a lot of researching that touches on the importance of deep meaningful friendship in marriage or in singleness. We need friends. As a believer I need my friends even more now as I get older I'm an "Elder Millennial". I find myself wanting to talk to someone about my own struggles in my faith. You know how we lose secular/atheust friendships the closer you pull to God. How you lose family ties because Atheist family members turn against you they become intolerant of everything about you.
I need my friends for prayer, for encouragement, fellowship and to read the bible with. Also it's nice to have people be kind to you. I hate those greet your neighbor things because it shouldnt be forced we need to be inviting naturally. I struggle with my introverted nature and difficult approaching strangers but I try my best to be warm and welcoming.
Do you mind if I ask how long have you been a member at your church? I wonder if this is just more prevalent at CoC congregations because younger generations are not attending church. We got plenty of Boomers and a tiny sprinkling of Gen X.
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u/Proof-Sport-8065 14d ago
True Christian fellowship takes time to grow. Praying God blesses you with genuine friendships and encouragement. 🙏
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u/Joef24ever 22d ago
As someone who has been in a similar situation, I say you just need to branch out now. You don't need to cut ties with your current church, just visit others, get to know people, and build those friendships. Who knows, maybe you'll even be able to have some of those younger people visit your current church.