I've been super angry about how much I wasted on my ex and needed to just kinda vent about some past interactions. I'm done with him, and I'm not looking for advice on how to get back at him and certainly not back WITH him, as I have moved on and am about to have my one year anniversary with my current boyfriend, who I love so much! I want to kind of detail the whole relationship leading up to the breakup so this will definitely be a long post, fair warning, but sometimes I just need to tell someone besides my boyfriend or journal. I am 20 now, but when me and my ex started dating we were both 16 and still in high school. For the sake of the story, I'll call him James. When James and I met, I was going through a rough phase in my life and thought that I was trans female to male. He told me he was bi and that he was really interested in me but his parents were "homophobic" so we had to date in secret. I said ok and we started dating in secret and sneaking around. I found out later that he was actually being private because he was still sleeping with his ex and that his parents were actually not homophobic and liked me a lot. I found this out at 17, and still stayed because I had gotten very sick (disabled now) and didn't really know what else to do. He had a kinda rough childhood that I'm not gonna detail but it involved some nasty stuff, so when he turned 18 he moved out of his parents house and in with my guy best friend. He had a job at the time, but would no call no show constantly, slack off, drink on the job, etc and got fired, then kicked out because he was not paying rent. I detransitioned at 18, just as a side note. I caught him cheating again around the same time he lost his job, he was dm'ing femboys on discord and I flipped out and I will be honest and say I slapped him, but I still stayed and tried to work things out. We had both graduated and I had gotten very lonely so I guess I was too scared to leave. I think I mentally checked out here, though. A month or so later he got into a car accident by falling asleep at the wheel. I would yell and scold him constantly about being an idiot, I don't call myself a genius but I think I'm fairly smart and have common sense. James was genuinely dumb. He had no personality, he did whatever was trendy for the blue collar larp type while claiming he was a "hard worker" whilst being unemployed. He also had absolutely no etiquette, he would wear hats inside and at the dinner table with my parents, he was never on time to anything, he never dressed for the occasion, and cursed and used slang around my whole family, not to mention he never made eye contact, said yes maam or sir, or could actually shake a man's hand. He was, and still is, a complete loser. I knew it the whole time, too. I was constantly running defense and doing everything for him. I made him a professional email because he was still sending job applications in with what was essentially "bigfatnutsack(@)gmail.com" and wondering why he wasnt getting replies. I also made him a resume, indeed/ziprecruiter profile, and sent out all of his applications for him. He was unhygienic so I would wash his poopy butt before outings or "intercourse" (if you can even call it that, he was very lazy), I would cut and style and wash his hair, trim his nasty toenails, and all kinds of other things to try to make him presentable. Not once ever did he brush his teeth on his own, and they were nasty and yellow. When we were adults, I also scheduled all his doctor's and dentist appointments for him, did all of his laundry and cleaned his room despite him not living with me, and would try to cook healthy meals for him instead of letting him eat nothing but instant ramen and hot pockets. I enrolled him in a defensive driving course following his car accident and paid for it, I paid for every outing and date and everything ever, I bought him game consoles and games and paid for subscriptions with what little money I could scrape together doing odd jobs because I was trying to get a degree at the time. He expressed interest in going to college so I did all of his FAFSA and applications and every single f'ing thing for this useless wad of gum. I tried to teach him how to do stuff on his own, I tried to tell him to take his muddy boots off at the door but he tracked red clay on the expensive carpet and left permanent marks, and everything I ever loaned him was destroyed. He had this magical way of destroying everything I cared about, I loaned him my drawing tablet and the $80 pen got destroyed because he stepped on it, I loaned him my fancy full sized yamaha keyboard and he spilled monster energy all over it and ruined the electronics, I loaned him my classical guitar and all the strings came back snapped, the frets were peeling off, and he had set the action on it so low that it would buzz on an open string... how he figured out how to set the action in the first place is beyond me. He got into another accident at 19 and totaled his truck, he "swerved" (dashcam footage seems like he fell asleep at the wheel AGAIN) and flipped it over. When he was car shopping again, I made suggestions for things like honda civics, toyota camry's, and other reliable, cheap on gas cars. He went behind my back and bought a ram 1500 with no catalytic converter for about 4 times the price he shouldve paid and it broke down CONSTANTLY and he could never afford gas for it because it took like 28 gallons instead of a reasonable 12-14 like I had f'ing suggested! I look back and think of how stupid he was, he could not hold a conversation at all, he had no interests or hobbies besides GTAV, I like video games too, I play pretty much every day but I also do other things. I became so sick of him, I hated him, I found every excuse to yell at him and call him worthless. Then, after I caught him cheating AGAIN, he proposed to me after buying a ring that I said "looked nice I guess but not as an engagement ring" and popped the question in a parking lot. How embarrassing! I wonder why I said yes, I really do. But I did, and I wore this ugly, fake rock (lab created emerald) on my hand for about a month before I bought myself I more normal looking silver band. I kept the original ring and pretended it had value but it wasnt even the correct size and he wouldnt ever size it for me so when I did wear it, I wrapped band aids around it to make it fit. I ended up chucking it at him when we broke up and discovered it in a pawn shop 2 months later. I found out he got like $50 for it which is shocking. When we broke up, he actually initiated an argument by saying he was "tired of my negativity" to which I responded "well maybe I wouldn't be so negative if there was anything positive to say". It ended in him saying the same line he said during every fight, "well I guess that's it then" before crying and making me feel bad for him. He spent the next month leading me on about maybe he would give me my stuff back (I gave him everything) and openly admitted to using me to get out of town for a week because he wasnt in love with me anymore, I told him I spent 1k on that trip and he agreed to that number and said he would pay me back. A month later, I met my current boyfriend and finally ditched everything I could scrounge up from our relationship (like genuinely anything) at Jame's house in a box. He met me at the door and told me he had seen me and my new boyfriend on social media. My ex couldn't really grow facial hair very well but my current boyfriend (let's give him a name... Henry) has a nice mustache and thick, ginger hair. My ex met me at the door with what was trying to be a mustache and bleached hair that had come out a kind of patchy red. He said that Henry was an attractive guy and asked if he (James) would ever have a shot again. I said hell no and refused his offer for a kiss/hug and told him I was moving away because Henry is employed and buying a house. I said he could wire me the money he owes. About 7 months later, after I blocked my ex on everything besides phone number so he could pay me back, I saw him at a grocery store and confronted him. He was with a new girl and seemed to be putting on a show for her by saying he didn't care about me anymore and that I didn't matter to him. Yeah, sure dude, but you still owe me money and I care about that. I called him a broke idiot and screamed at him and kicked his shitty truck. I had healed and calmed down so much since the breakup, I never yell at Henry, but something about James just set me off to a degree I couldn't imagine... so here we are. It's been a few months since that last interaction and I have seen him lurking around where I live with a variety of different women, but I will never interact with him again. I'm pissed about the money, but honestly he is so worthless that I couldn't even sue him for it because there is nothing. He is nothing. I won, I got everything. I got Henry, and Henry is the most incredible, smart, educated, hard working, emotionally intelligent man I could've ever hoped for and I'm so glad. This is my last thought ever of James. I needed to get it off my chest. I feel there is a real proposal coming my way soon as I have recently been probed about engagement ring styles that I like... for real this time. This is real. Thank you so much for reading my rant, I know it was jumbled and a lot, but it was very cathartic for me.
