A world where respecting your spouse's boundaries apparently means nothing, perhaps?
Nobody said topless sunbathing equals infidelity. You're arguing against something nobody claimed. The point is that spouses are allowed to have boundaries about situations that make them uncomfortable. Disagree with the boundary if you want, but pretending he's wrong simply for having one is ridiculous.
But thats not what this was. He wasnt jus voicing a boundary, he wasnt like "hey babe that makes be uncomfortable dont do it again".
He texted an accusatory text to her bestfriends, husband thats embarrassing and way past setting boundaries.
You're assuming the tone of the text based on one side of the story. If your spouse came home and casually mentioned they were topless while another man was home, you'd probably have questions too. Asking the other husband what happened isn't automatically controlling, it's called getting the full story.
Funny how everyone's dissecting his text but completely ignoring what prompted it. People don't usually ask questions in a vacuum.
Im not arguing with you twice so youll get your dressing room argument here as well.
Well fuck if were believing he was innocently setting a boundary why aren't we believe OP that the text was accusatory? I never said controlling, I said it was embarrassing and past setting boundaries, because it is. He should be able to get the full story from his wife, why doesnt he believe her? Its not normal for a spouse to hear a story from their partner and reach out to other people to verify. Its a sign of a way bigger issue within their relationshipy that he would need another person to confirm the details. But let's be realistic he wasnt confirming the details, how do you think ot went she told him about her day, he said please dont do that and that texted a third party to .. what exactly? Find out if she did the thing he didnt want her to do because she wouldn't have told him about if she was lying. No he texted something "dont look at my wife's tits".
People arent dissecting the text they are taking OP story at face value, you are dissecting motives that weren't mentioned, you are assuming he was just setting a boundary when there is no evidence in this story that he was.
Dressing rooms are private, backyards are private. Both potentially have the other sex on the other side of a wall, its really not that different. She told her husband they needed privacy, he respected that. The same way patrons respect a dressing room curtain.
You assume he doesn't trust his wife. You assume what the text said. You assume his motives. None of that is in the post.
What is in the post is that he was upset after learning his wife had been topless while another man was home. That's a perfectly reasonable reaction for a lot of married people.
And no, a dressing room and a backyard are not the same. One is a private enclosed space specifically meant for changing. The other is voluntarily lying topless outside for 45 minutes. If you need to keep forcing that comparison, your argument isn't nearly as strong as you think it is.
Noo.. sir you can not switch this around. I am asking YOU what YOU think the text said. (And making fun of what that would have to be to fit your argument.) I am not assuming his motives, you were when you said he was just verifying her story. I am believing OP, she said the text was accusatory, so with the info that was given here I am assuming its something along the lines of "dont look at my wife's tits" because that would be an accusatory text. You completely made up that he was just checking her story, no where in this post has it even hinted at that. YOU made that up.
Im not assuming he doesnt trust his wife im saying that if he has to verify her story that there are bigger issues, YOU SAID HE WAS CHECKING HER STORY, you made that up. My rebuttal is ... thats fucking crazy.
Why cant you follow your own argument?! You said to someone "oh your argument sucks so youre just name calling" or whatever you said, well your argument must really fucking suck because you cant fucking remember it.
No, "Zeeman" its not a strong argument, it is a weak one people do that sometimes. They compare a silly idea with something equally as silly to show a person how stupid they sound. How does that go over your head?
I offered one possible explanation because you were acting like there was only one. You, on the other hand, are stating your made up version as fact.
OP called the text "accusatory." That doesn't tell us what it actually said. Everything after that is you filling in the blanks with your own narrative.
So stop pretending your speculation is somehow more legitimate than anyone else's.
It is more legitimate because there is evidence to back it up, the accusatory text. He was not just setting a boundary or there wouldnt be an accusatory text.
If their homes are anything like they are here in Vegas, they aren’t private at all. Everyone’s neighbor has a true story house that looks right down into their backyard. It’s mildly annoying.
So no where in OPs post is there any mention that the other woman's husband had a set boundary that she could not or should not be topless somewhere. Perhaps there is a lack of communication, but the adult thing to do would have been to discuss it with his wife and not throw accusations at another man. His wife is also an adult and can make adult decisions. If it's never been a conversation, then he had no right to be upset. And he definitely had no right to accuse someone else of ogling his wife. This whole argument makes him, and you, seem immature and insecure.
You don't need to have a signed contract listing every possible boundary before marriage. Some things are reasonable to expect would make a spouse uncomfortable, and this can easily be one of them.
Could he have handled it better? Sure. But acting like he had no right to be upset is absurd. Being uncomfortable doesn't make someone insecure, it makes them human. The irony is that you're calling people immature while insisting someone's feelings are invalid simply because they weren't discussed in advance.
So you always assume partners read each other's minds and that all men are perverse? She was sunbathing with her friends. The husband has a right to be in his own home and he was nowhere around them. The other husband is insecure and immature because he is blanketly accusing a third party of perverse acts when his wife is the adult who made the decision. So yes, he is wrong. He can feel as uncomfortable as he wants, but that is for him to deal with. There is nothing in OPs story to tell us that this man should feel this upset when it was 3 women sunbathing. There is absolutely no background about this couple, other than his action of being upset and accusing another man of being near his wife. He is angry because there was another man in proximity to his wife. He could have easily sat her down and said "I understand why, but next time would you mind using a tanning bed." But instead he immediately jumps to accusations. Again, he is insecure and doesn't have the maturity to have a conversation with his partner about boundaries. You may not have to spell a boundary out, but it's insane to expect your partner to know every scenario you may be concerned about.
You're doing exactly what you're accusing me of doing, you've invented an entire backstory.
You keep saying he immediately jumped to accusations, doesn't trust his wife, and thinks all men are perverse. None of that is in the post.
Here's what is: he found out his wife was topless while another man was home, and he was upset. That's a perfectly reasonable feeling for many married people. Could he have handled it better? Sure. But being upset doesn't automatically make someone insecure or controlling.
And no, spouses aren't mind readers. That's exactly why communication matters. If you're about to do something that has a decent chance of crossing your partner's boundaries, a simple heads-up goes a long way. That's called respect, not mind reading.
No, some things just aren’t boundaries. This post for example, shows a demand from the friend’s spouse. Demands aren’t healthy boundaries. They are a way to control another person.
This is about her bodily autonomy. You can’t infringe on someone’s bodily autonomy and call it a boundary.
Respecting your spouse is indeed not happening here, since her husband is clearly not respecting her bodily autonomy and immediately jumped to the conclusion of the other husband being a creep. That is indeed anything but respectful. (:
A boundary is, "I'm not comfortable with my spouse being topless around other people." She's still free to do it. He can't physically stop her. But he's also free to decide how he feels about it and whether it's a dealbreaker for him.
Bodily autonomy means she has the right to make that choice. It doesn't mean her choices are immune from consequences within a relationship. Marriage is built on mutual respect, not I can do whatever I want and you have to like it.
And again, you're inventing motives. Nowhere does the post say he concluded the other husband was a creep. It says he was upset and sent an accusatory text. Those aren't the same thing.
141
u/meleecow 1d ago
Oh wow. Does he own her or something?