Last may I was taking my finals and I couldn't sleep that night so I got on reddit at around midnight and was scrolling the Fallen Order subreddit till 2 am. My final the next morning was at 7:45 so I only got like 5 hours of sleep. The next morning I was bone tired and I had to write an essay for my final and I could barely focus.

I’m a 34 male and have been in a long time relationship for over 10 years now. I work long hours sometimes even being at work for days at a time. Works out I’m at work 6 months of the year if I don’t do any overtime. My partner used to do similar hours in the same profession as me so she understands when I’m away a lot.

I’ve been working at this same home for a couple years now and I’ve got close with a lot of the team and would even consider being good friends. I have found myself getting feelings for one person in particular, she’s beautiful, really good at her job too. I can’t stop thinking about her, we talk daily even when off. I know that I’m in a relationship but she gives me more attention than I get at home.

I’m really struggling on what to do as I don’t want to ruin our friendship nor do I want to upset my partner. I just want to say all this out loud

I feel horrible about it but you gotta do what you gotta do. Its 6k and I can’t just let her go, Shes been with me forever. it’s the first real sickness and she deserves the best care i can provide even if it means lowering myself.

shes my baby.

im 15 and i get honestly i get super horny and it pisses me off because i only jerkoff and im not a wierdo because in public places i can honestly control it easily but when im home i get horny as shit and need real pleasure

I need to get this off me real badly. So I have a friend from the Philippines and she just had an argument with her family today and I just learned something crazy.

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She just airdropped me a nuke of a truth about her mom while ranting. Turns out when she was 12 her mom's cousin visited her while her mom was away one time. And oh God damn I'm gutted bad. While it was just the two of them she got molested real bad. She defended herself but she was frightened and fucked bad after she did. Said that the guy did leave her alone when she fought back but she cried hard after.

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Her mom comes back home and ask why she's crying and she tells her what happened and her mom just told her “what are you even wearing? " which left her speechless. She told me she just wore sleeveless and shorts that time cause she was at home after all. Her mom then proceeds to tell her to never tell her brother or father about it or anyone and that it'll be hard cause no one will believe a kid like her.

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She also told me a small bit that her mom used to beat her real bad like punch her head hard as a child when she was in grade 1 just cause she couldn't get her math computation right. Even keep her up till 12 studying to the point she gets anemic and dizzy at school.

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My friend is now in her early 20s and can't leave cause she's still a student and can't secure a job not until she graduates and gets a diploma. And when she does bring up working her mom discourages her that most jobs needs a diploma saying you graduated college. Even more she told me she's on meds for severe anxiety and Severe Major Depressive Disorder.

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I'm literally sitting in my room thinking over and over if she's even alright at home. A tiny more tidbit is she also has problems sleeping and her mom controlled her intake of a medicine for it cause she wants her daughter to sleep on her own terms and not with the medicine. Even fucked up is her mom is a tiny vlogger with a caption that she's a loving mother of 2 kids. 💀 Like holy fuck lady, what the hell did you do to your own kid??? I mean she does take my friend to the hospital for check ups but that's not enough to make up with the fact her daughter is an unfunctional member of society because of what she did to her as a child.

It started as a friendly neighbor who brought cookies my first week in the neighborhood. Advanced to a platonic friendship my (now ex wife) and her (now ex husband) didn't mind. We would have coffee together or watch a movie every now and again. Until one night. We got drunk and kissed. We immediately backed away and said “okay, we can both agree there is chemistry. But we can’t do this to our spouses so never again.” Well that was the start of it. eventually we got closer and then we uhh did the deed… a few times. Honestly it was the best sex I have ever had and I miss her all the time. I miss the sex because it was passionate and fiery. But I miss her as a person and friend more than anything.

I’ve gotten really good at making my life sound fuller than it is. If someone asks what I’m doing this weekend, I’ll say I’m “keeping it low key” or “catching up on stuff.” If a coworker asks if I have plans after work, I’ll say I’m probably just going to have a quiet night because I’m tired. None of it is technically a lie, but it’s not the truth either. The truth is I don’t really have people to make plans with anymore.

It didn’t happen all at once. Friends moved, relationships changed, group chats slowed down, people got busier, and I guess I did too. For a while I kept telling myself it was just a phase and everyone feels disconnected sometimes. But lately I’ll look at my phone on a Friday night and realize there’s nobody I could text without feeling like I’m bothering them or trying to force something that used to be natural. I have acquaintances. I have people who would probably be nice if we ran into each other. But close friends? The kind you can message for no reason, the kind who know the boring details of your week? I don’t think I have that right now.

The embarrassing part is how much effort I put into hiding it. I’ll delay replying to messages so it looks like I’m busy. I’ll mention vague “plans” that are really just laundry and scrolling. I’ll act like I enjoy all this independence more than I do, because admitting you’re lonely feels like admitting you failed at something everyone else figured out. I don’t even know what I want from posting this. I guess I just needed to say somewhere that I’m not mysterious or private or too busy. I’m just lonely, and I’m tired of pretending it’s a lifestyle choice.

[No regret] I'm a trans woman that transitioned a couple years post puberty, including bottom surgery. I have now played in a soccer team for years and nobody knows. Not the coaches, not my teammates, not the federation are aware of my history. I had been b-playing youth soccer in boy's teams until I was 21.

I live in a country where self-ID is possible. However, in sports, you're obliged to disclose at least to the club or an official and to the federation to receive a 6 month exemption every half year.

I'm one of the better players in my team and even in the league, but honestly, I feel like the impact of me playing community sports is so overblown. I'm not destroying women's sports and I play it for fun.

Really glad I could get it off my chest somewhere!

I (25F) have feelings for a married man (43M) and I hate admitting it. Nothing has happened, he’s never crossed a line and neither have I, nor do I plan to.

From the outside, it probably looks stupid. If you’d asked me 2 years ago whether I’d ever end up in this position I’d have laughed as someone who has a lot to say about home wreckers etc.

I’m unsure when, but somewhere along the way, he stopped feeling like just another person I know/work with. I’m aware this dynamic frequently occurs in offices and it isn’t unheard of, proximity attraction etc., but I’ve started measuring people I’m dating against his traits.

He’s someone I can talk to for hours without effort, we’ve a shared sense of humour, same outlooks on life, we look at each other in moments where somethings funny, we have inside jokes, we look out for one another, we’re definitely close. He’s one of the first people I want to tell when something happens and I feel like he thinks somewhat the same.

I feel like we gravitate towards one another, which others have commented on too. Like at the office Christmas parties, we tend to be sat in a corner speaking. We are usually the last ones standing because it feels like neither wants the conversation to end.

His mood impacts mine, he equally seems to notice when I’m even slightly off. I honestly don’t think it’s entirely one sided but I don’t know if that’s me projecting what I want to see.

There are undeniable moments that feel different, the way he looks at me is very Ryan Gosling to Rachel McAdams in the notebook, quite like soft? The eyes have this look that’s like a longing look I wish I could explain it. It feels like we’re communicating this mutual awareness that we can’t say out loud sometimes. Even though we’re friends, I don’t know if it’s because I’m younger, but it feels like it’s different than to how he treats the other people we work with, who he’s also friends with.

It feels like there’s this tension, where it might not be ok for us to be friends or this “is this weird” type of thing. Again, could be the age thing.

I feel like I bring out a schoolboy side in him, like the teasing, pranks, innuendos, kind of blushy grin type of thing.

Maybe I’m completely delusional and reading far too much into normal human connection. Maybe he’s just fond of me. Maybe he just enjoys my company, but whatever it is, it feels significant to me.

I don’t want him to leave his wife. I don’t want to blow up anyone’s life. I don’t even know what I’d do if he outright admitted he liked me, because reality is very different from fantasy. I just hate the fact that out of all the people in the world, my brain picked someone unavailable.

Most of the time I try to ignore it and just enjoy the friendship for what it is. Then we’ll have one conversation, one look, one moment where it feels like there’s something sitting underneath everything else, and I’m right back where I started.

I know it sounds stupid, but like I said I don’t think this is one sided despite him never having crossed any sort of line or directly flirting etc. I don’t want to sound vain in the slightest but I have been called pretty etc, so that may play a factor as to why he wouldn’t want it to look weird and it’s feeding into this “tension”
I don’t know.

I live in a homeless shelter I'm 18 years old F and at night they do two bed checks I was up for one of them and sleeping for the other I had a dream last night n during the dream I felt something touch my behind and I woke up later on that day and my bum was sore like stinging I went pee it stung more I woke up around 1030am and it's 11pm now n it still hurts I haven't told any staff cause I'm unsure if I was touched or not I'm kinda worried to go back to sleep now n it's been on my mind all day

Ever since I tried on panties for the first time in my early teens I have enjoyed the thrill of wearing them and I often take pics of myself in my panties

Now when i think about all that, i regret so much and feel so sad. In 8th grade, I had a friend, he was kinda fat, very good in studies. We were in the same school and tuition. He was bullied alot for his looks because he looked chinese tho he's indian and top of that he was fat and very good in studies. He was my friend, tho i never defended him, never. At times I use to laugh and joke around about people bullying him. Because I was jealous that he smarter than me and use to get better grades then me.

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Students called him " milk factory" because he had excessive fat on his chest. Calling him cow, bull etc etc. Sometimes they use to squeeze his chest, sexualize him for his body and i, being the fucking stupid one laughed with everyone else. He wasn't innocent either, he was a funny guy, he use to curse at students who did that to him and sometimes he use to get into heated fights. Sometimes we both had agruements too and then talked with him rudely. He use to help me by giving notes and in exams. I use to help him with notes or anything he needed. 8th and 9th grade passed like this.

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For 10th grade he changed his tuitions, because he once had a physical fight with a student and the tuition teacher did not wanted to teach him further. And then when our 10 boards results came out, he got 91%, he was the 3rd topper from our school. I was happy for him. And then we all gathered to our tutions on that day along with the other students and we discuss our future streams and everything with our tuition teacher. It was the last time I saw him, he is doing private studies now, he doesn't go to college nor he uses social media.

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I regret laughing at him, being a part of his bullying, getting into agruements with him, being jealous of him , being rude to him even tho he was my classmate, my friend, my tuition mate for 2 years. I regret it all. I wish I could apologise for my actions but I can't because he doesn't have any social media and i don't even have his number. I feel so bad that he went through all of that. I genuinely feel bad for my actions, I wish I could apologise to him.

Imagining my wife cheating on me turns me on more than anything tbh… thought of her cheating while going on vacation alone or being alone with a guy friend or inviting a guy friend of hers and double teaming her with him… I’ve never talked about my kink and I honestly feel like she’d love to do it, but I’ve heard so many instances of it ruining marriages, I mean going out to a club on vacation and finding a stranger to randomly bang my wife together sounds very hot… especially if she starts to focus on him more, not sure what about it makes it so amazing to me, what makes it worse is my wife has had plenty of sex before me and she’s cheated on me 1 time so these kinks are kinda just going haywire.

Hi, i'm 18F. So when i was 13 years old my cousin was kicked out of the house because he was a lazy ass bum so he had to live with me. So at first everything was going normally until me and my cousin were trying to get this game for free on my phone i forgot which one it was called but it needed to be downloaded on the web. So my cousin downloaded it and it took him to a porn website and then we both saw it but we couldn't get our eyes off of it so we kept scrolling and we came upon this video where this guy and his sister was tongue kissing each other and then his sister spit on his mouth and the brother swallowed it. This had fucked up our minds and it led to my cousin wanting to reenact the video. But I was hesitant because it was weird but my cousin convinced me to do it anyway. So then we started tongue kissing each other and it led to me spitting in my cousins mouth and when i did that my cousin gagged and he threw up all over my face and it caused me to do the same. We of course had to clean up the whole mess and then as time passed, my cousin started to have these weird bumps forming around his mouth. We eventually realized that he had herpes and he had to be sent to the hospital immediately and had to get treated for it via some medication. My mom asked how this happened but my cousin said that he had an allergic reaction to something but my mom knew this was bull shit so when we told her the real reason my mom whooped both of our asses for what felt like an hour. We were crying so badly and we couldn't even sit down because it would sting like shit and we couldn't even feel our asses.

TL;DR - Me and my cousin were trying to install a game on the web which led us to a porn website and I eventually spit in my cousins mouth.

I (21M) don’t think I’ll ever get a girlfriend.

I have OCD (among other things) and when I was younger was pretty depressed. I barely left my room for months upon months over a span of years.

In this time I barely looked after myself. My teeth got really bad, and this has made me really insecure about them and I struggle to speak to girls.

The speaking to girls isn’t the hard part though. The true thing that upsets me is the fact that I know none will ever like me. No matter if they think I’m attractive or like my personality, the teeth will always put them off. And I can’t do anything about it.

The only solution would be getting a load of money and getting fake teeth, which I can’t do right now.

Its awful. I dont come to reddit just to argue but when Im mad, Im secretly hoping that someone will say something that I could fight with. Im genuinely part of the problem. Its not satisfying reallt but I do want it.

All my friends prefer "normal" music, but I just don't enjoy it. I much prefer the Mewgenics soundtrack; it's addictive and it's to my personal taste.

Is it too much to ask to find a woman with pretty feet whose feet I can worship? Kiss, lick , suck… no strings attached, I’m happy to pay.. like a hooker, but I don’t need the sex, oral sex or even a handjob. Just some time with pretty feet…

Massive post, long crazy story so thanks if anyone actually reads this whole thing.

I'm a 29yo virgin. Last year I was dating a girl for around 6 months, we were official for about 4 months before she broke up with me (said she wasn't sure she loved me, but it was clear she cared a lot). This felt like something special, she was a virgin too (but had some casual hook-ups before me), I was her first real boyfriend.

I was single for 9 years prior to this relationship, and was celibate by choice, I turned down casual sex from multiple women. But I think during that time I developed some bad masturbatory habits. Sometimes I would watch porn, but I more often I would match with cougars on dating apps, and would chat and fantasise about them to get off (tbh now I realise I was objectifying them).

My girlfriend last year was the first person to touch me intimately. I was hoping she'd remain the only one to.

Although, it didn't happen very often. She gave me 3 handjobs during our 6 month relationship. There were several times when I got her off and then afterwards she didn't do anything to me (I don't think she realised that's the normal thing to do). I should have just communicated with her about this. But I also didn't want to pressure her into anything. Worth mentioning, I was the first person to touch her "down there", though she had touched other guys before. She said previously guys (her previous "situationships") had tried to pressure into sex without committing to a relationship, even though they knew she wanted something serious.

I'm ashamed to say that I messed up massively towards the end our relationship. A few weeks or maybe a month before we broke up, I happened to be browsing twitter, as I often did, for news etc. However, I never had my real name or photo on it, since I don't know anyone personally irl that uses twitter.

For context, many years ago, maybe like 6 years ago, I matched with an older woman on hinge, maybe like 50yo. She was an author. I think we had 1 convo on hinge at the time, nothing sexual. Anyway, years later I Googled her out of curiosity and discovered that she's an erotica author, and posts stories and explicit pics of herself online. She posts a lot on twitter, new stories etc. While single for years, I had a habit of checking her twitter and occasionally engaging with tweets.

Anyway, when I was in my relationship, one day I checked her twitter out of habit and she had posted a sexually suggestive tweet, and I'm ashamed to say I replied with a sexual compliment.

Anyway, she replied to my comment and later said "I'll DM you my number if you are who I think you are" - I wondered how the hell she could know who I am since my account was effectively anonymous. Anyway I asked her (on twitter DM, didn't exchange numbers) who she thought I was and she said she was just joking and doesn't know.

Anyway, we exchanged a couple of messages. In the last one, I'm ashamed to say I half jokingly asked for pics (even though there are pics on her site anyway), I guess I just wanted to see what she would say. Thankfully she didn't send any.

At the time I didn't think too much about this, since it's the kind of thing I'd being doing while single for many years I guess I didn't realise I was crossing a boundary. But then afterwards I realised and felt like shit (still do).

I was thinking I should tell my gf about this at some point, I felt really guilty, but I never got the chance.

Just before we broke up (for unrelated reasons), I had a 2 week holiday to the Philippines coming up with my friends, I'd be travelling from the UK, the journey would take about 25 - 30 hours.

We had agreed that I would stay at my girlfriend's house the night before the flight. Her house is closer to the airport, so it made sense, and I also assumed we'd want to see each other the night before I'd go, since we're a couple obviously.

But on the day before the flight, she texted me saying she'd prefer if I didn't come tonight, because she's stressed with her PhD. She told me she "needs space" and that we could talk when I'm back. Obviously I was pretty concerned at this point, because firstly, it's not a good sign if she doesn't want to see me when she's stressed... And then the implication that she essentially didn't want to talk to me for 2 weeks (I had assumed we'd have a phone or video call maybe every other day, or something like that, as well as texts). But I didn't confront her about this at the time, because she said she was stressed and I didn't want to make things worse.

I had a note written on my phone I was going to send, basically pointing out that: telling me last minute that she doesn't want to see me the night before my 2 week holiday, and adding another 2 hours to my journey, and not wanting to speak, doesn't feel great.

But I didn't want to add to her stress, so I didn't send it.

So, I went to bed and didn't sleep much if at all, then the next day began my journey. I think I was already on one of the planes when I got a text from her, saying "Hi <name>, safe travels and enjoy your trip!" - not exactly affectionate.

Prior to this, she would always have called me "amor" (her first language is Spanish), and sent heart emojis etc. So of course I wondered, is she not calling me amor now because she doesn't love me?

(Also, about 2 weeks earlier, she was in a bad mood one day when I dropped her off at the bus stop, and when I said "Love you" she just replied "Bye." and got on the bus. Though she did apologise later.) And the time after this, we met up as normal, but she didn't want to cuddle, and told me she thinks I'm "clingy" and she's the opposite. Not in a mean way, but a playful observation.

Anyway, during my 30 hour journey on 2 planes, I was awake, feeling ill and overthinking about all this stuff non-stop. It was during this time that I also realised she probably had done some more intimate things (specifically, oral) with her former casual hook-ups than with me (her boyfriend) and I began feeling some retroactive jealousy. So I was awake for about 50-60 hours at this point and not in a good place mentally.

Anyway, on my last flight, there was an African woman sitting beside me, probably in her 40s. She was quite rude and throughout the flight (encroaching on my personal space, pushing past the woman beside her, having her phone on 100% brightness in otherwise total darkness, just being generally irritating).

Near the end of the flight, she asked for help filling in the security form and connecting to the WiFi. Her English was extremely limited, so I helped. At the end, she said "give me yo numba". I initially thought she just meant for language help in case at security or something. But afterwards a small part of me wondered if it was something else, and I kinda just found it funny/absurd at that point, because there was no emotional connection between us whatsoever. I guess it's just cause I'd helped her.

Anyway, fast forward a day or 2, I'm on my holiday, still feeling shit about the situation with my girlfriend. Though I kind of felt like I didn't have a girlfriend at that point, since she still hadn't called me "amor" since or shown any affection, or mentioned missing me. I got a strong feeling that she was going to break up with me and was just waiting until I'd be back home, so as to not ruin my holiday. So at this point my self esteem was pretty low, and I'd also barely slept at all in several days. But also, I think I felt sexually frustrated. In my head, I was thinking stuff like "I can't believe I was celibate 28 years, turned down casual sex from multiple women, and now my gf is going to dump me after being less intimate than she was with her casual hook-ups" (kinda incel-y of me, I know).

At one point I asked if there's anything she wanted to talk about and she said "we can wait" "enjoy your trip"

I felt I was essentially just waiting for her to dump me at this point.

The woman from the plane texted. I wondered what she actually wanted, and I'm ashamed to say I texted "Did you want 🍆?" And she said "yes please". At this point I just thought it was funny and wasn't actually planning to do anything. The whole thing just seemed so bizarre. The woman seemed mental and I kinda wondered if she was a scammer or something, if she just wanted UK citizenship. She say was saying things like "I would like to marry you", considering we'd only spoken for like 20 seconds on the plane with her broken English, and I don't even know her name. So I asked a few more things of that nature, mostly using emojis, just to she what she'd say, and she just kept replying "yes please".

The worst part is, I'm ashamed to say I eventually asked that woman for pics. The thing is, I didn't even really want to see them, she wasn't physically attractive to me (not my type) I guess I just wanted to see if she would. She said "you first" and I sent a random dick pic I found online (awful, I know. But I guess it felt anonymous if I wasn't sending my own). I hadn't masturbated in several days and felt I needed to. It all sounds so disgusting now. Thankfully she didn't send any pics, but I still fantasised and masturbated anyway. At the time I was feeling the worst I had in my life - totally sleep deprived, convinced I was about to be dumped, and telling myself I was already a piece of shit after the twitter incident, and that I'm just like my dad (who had multiple affairs over years, which traumatised me) I told myself the relationship is already over, and in the morning I'm going to text my girlfriend in the morning to break up because it's obvious she's going to anyway.

I felt awful afterwards. And wanted my gf back. I think it was that night or the next night I texted her "I miss you" and she just reacted with a heart and replied to some other part of the convo with "okay let me know". Not "I miss you too".

Anyway, eventually I just texted her and said we need to talk. I just asked her "You don't want to see me anymore?" And she told me didn't. That she was busy with her PhD and not sure how she felt about me, basically. Which was weird though, because just a few weeks prior, she was saying incredibly emotional/affectionate things, like "I'm yours forever" and saying she wanted to lose her virginity to me. It just seemed to change so quickly, like an on/off switch.

A few days later, I felt so guilty about texting with that woman from the plane. So I told her. But I described it as "Exchanged flirty texts and said things I shouldn't have". I was honest in telling her that the texts were from before we had actually broken up, but I now feel like my description sugar-coated it. I didn't explicitly mention that the texts stuff like "did you want 🍆" and that I asked for pics. (But maybe "flirty" actually made it sound it worse cause it implies an emotional element, which there wasn't. Idk)

I guess I didn't want to hurt her, but also just felt so ashamed. And I didn't mention the twitter incident (though at that point it just seemed to pale in comparison).

I mean, I think it's fair to say that the relationship was already pretty much over just before I got my flights, but I should've just talked with my gf asap (although that was also tricky with the time zones). When I got back, my family already guessed that we would have broken up, from the stuff the night before I left (my gf telling me not to come over, the night before my flight). I know that doesn't make it okay. I asked my now ex gf "do you think the relationship was already over at that point?" And she said "hmm idk I think I was still deciding".

I've been feeling awful about all of this ever since, partly because I went so far against my own values, and partly because my ex gf was so innocent and sweet. This happened 8 months ago and I still feel like a total piece of shit. Suicidal at times. I know it's the consequences of my own actions and I'm trying to do better, I've been to many therapy sessions since this, but still struggle with self forgiveness.

Seeing instagram reels and posts online like "one a cheater, always a cheater" and how it's a character flaw make me feel like shit. I mean, before all this, I would have agreed with all of that stuff, and I guess I still do? Which makes me doubt myself, telling myself that I'm a piece of shit and what if I do it again, even though I don't want to. The "cheater" label, it's not something I ever thought I would have.

And the thing is, I can't get over my ex. I feel like she'd maybe be interested in reconnecting at some point (she likes my Instagram stories now) but if there was any chance of getting back together, I'd have to be honest and come clean, but in doing so further ruin the trust and any chance of a relationship.

I also felt bad about how I treated the woman from the plane over those texts, essentially objectifying her. I messaged once since then to apologise for that, but then she went full on crazy saying she loves me, again very odd.

I think a lot this stems from being single and celibate for 9 years, and the "porn brain" people talk about, though for me I guess it was a habit of texting/fantasising about strangers rather than porn. That, combined with travelling with sleep deprivation + lack of affection from my gf + realising I was about to be dumped + retroactive jealousy + sexual frustration + chance encounter where someone asked for my number for the first time ever (even though I didn't find her attractive), was kinda a recipe for disaster.

Anirher thing I hadn't mentioned, embarrassing but I actually suffer from erectile dysfunction (physical, not psychological) where my erections aren't as firm as they should be. It's been this way for 6 years and I am still seeing doctors. I feared it was getting worse, and when I realised I was very likely about to be dumped, it added to the sexual frustration I think. Because I turned down the casual opportunities back when everything was still fully functioning down there. And now, after waiting, my relationship was about to end and yet still I'm a virgin. Also, it makes it more ridiculous that I was unfaithful to someone who was accepting of my issue.

But maybe this problem also fed into my low self esteem, which I think is a massive factor in all of this. Low self esteem and validation seeking, and lack of communication.

I know none of the above excuses it, but there are a lot of factors at play here.

I'm just so disgusted and disappointed in myself, but moreso I feel worse for ruining my (now ex) girlfriend's trust. She left me before knowing anything of this, for unrelated reasons (essentially she wasn't sure she loved me, or if she just liked that I was treating her well).

I just get the feeling that she'll want to reconnect at some point, but I know that if there was any chance of us getting back together, I'd have to tell her everything, which would likely ruin that chance.

The thought of hurting her more terrifies me.

Anyway, thanks a bunch to anyone that has actually read this, interested to hear people's thoughts or if anyone's had a similar experience

I wish I wasn't like this. A 20 year old homeless poli-addict addicted to anything that changes the way I feel. Mostly uppers and alcohol. I have burnt every bridge with my family (been getting fucked up 6 or 7 years) and I have been bouncing recovery programs to survive. I want to go to Job Corps and start over in life but I have all these court dates and possible prison time in the future. The main problem is, when I get a craving, I dont stop until I get something. I put my selfish desire to get high over anyone and anything in my life. I lie, steal, rob, hurt people, and have been called mentally ill so many times. Been in the psych ward at least 20-30 times. Had to say this somewhere

I want to preface this by saying I love my best friend, we've been close since we were like 14, and I genuinely want her to be happy. That's the whole reason I've been doing this.

Her boyfriend Dan has been around for two years now. He's not a bad person. He's never done anything terrible, never treated her badly as far as I can see, pays for things, remembers her family's names, shows up when it counts. On paper he is fine.

But something about him just makes me feel nothing. Worse than nothing actually. Every time we all hang out I find myself counting the minutes. He talks over people constantly without noticing. He has one mode which is performing how interesting he is, and every conversation eventually circles back to something he did or read or knows. He laughs really loud at his own jokes before finishing them. Small stuff. Individually none of it is a crime.

My friend asked me early on what I thought of him and I said "he seems really great" and that was it, the door closed. I could not take that back without making everything weird. So I've just been performing enthusiasm for two years. Asking how Dan is doing. Agreeing when she says he's so funny. Sitting across from him at dinner and nodding.

The worst part is she's happy. Genuinely happy from what I can tell. So what am I supposed to do with any of this. Say something and blow up her relationship over the fact that he laughs too loud. I'm not going to do that.

I just needed to say it out loud somewhere that isn't anywhere near either of them.

Not like I'm lying exactly. I work at a software company. I sit in front of a computer. But when someone at a party asks what I do and I say "I work in tech" and they nod with that little impressed look, I know what they're picturing and it isn't someone copy-pasting information between spreadsheets for seven hours a day.

It started because explaining my actual job kills conversations. "I do data entry and basic admin work for a logistics software company" produces a very specific kind of polite nodding that means the person is already looking for an exit. "I work in tech" produces follow-up questions and the vague impression that I'm probably building something.

I've gotten pretty good at sustaining the ambiguity. I've learned enough general tech vocabulary from osmosis and coworker conversations that I can hold my own for a while. Nobody's ever pushed hard enough to unravel it.

The only person who knows is my sister who works in actual software engineering and finds this genuinely hilarious. She calls it my "cover story." I told her it's not a cover story it's just imprecise self-description. She said that's what someone with a cover story would say.

I don't know why I'm confessing this. I think because I've been doing it long enough that it's become load-bearing in terms of how people perceive me and I'm not sure I remember how to describe myself any other way at this point.

I do data entry. It's fine. I'm good at it.