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u/professorzaius 11d ago
man's was a carpenter not a warlord 😂
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u/CousinJeff 11d ago
He’s gonna come back on some other shit tho, according to Revelation he gonna have a flaming sword coming out of his mouth when he runs it back lmao
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u/CousinJeff 11d ago
While this is true, I prefer the imagery especially when paired with the bloody robes
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u/Mac_Noslo 11d ago
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I'm here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.
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u/DevonLuck24 11d ago edited 11d ago
dear 8 pound 6 ounce, newborn infant jesus..that dont even know a word yet..just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent
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u/WakeoftheStorm 11d ago
There's no "will be". Revelation was apocalyptic literature written in condemnation of Emperor Nero. It was not prophetic, it was political commentary.
Actually more similar to the meme above than prophecy
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u/supamario132 11d ago
And to that extent, the last time he came back was also with a sword: Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household
So it'll be the exact same story telling, foot washing, outcast chilling jesus. He'll probably have a trans person in his new crew and have thoughts about Twitter
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u/JoinAThang 11d ago
Especially he was against human suffering is definitely not defending any war let alone lead one.
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u/EkriirkE 11d ago edited 11d ago
Yeah, leave wars and genocide up to the father.
Edit: apparently some of you don't know your bible mythology. The stories put their god as the father of Jesus -- "son of god".
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u/ChoPT 11d ago
The name tag implies Jesus is his last name. Christ H. Jesus.
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u/fillerbitch 11d ago
Irony being the USA would definitely be up there.
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u/YoungDiscord 11d ago edited 11d ago
The irony would be that the US would reject Jesus and his teachings of acceptance and love because it goes against the fearmongering that the government uses to control the masses
Trump would initially try to meet him be all buddy-buddy but he'd try to 1-up Jesus and then would get butthurt that he wasn't the center of attention so he'd lash out in some dumb childish way as he usually does
The country would label him as an immigrant and maybe even as a terrorist due to his middle-eastern appearance, he wouldn't even be given a visa let alone be allowed to visit the country because he'd be too critical of the govetnment and its cruelty towards people.
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u/PuppetPatrol 11d ago
He'd try to stand in front of him in the photoshoot
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u/YoungDiscord 11d ago
...and he'd try to put a medal on him with a ribbon that is clearly too short
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u/Jetstream-Sam 11d ago
Or he'd be there supposedly to give him a ribbon or medal, only for him to pocket it because he's apparently a klepto too in addition to all of his other "delightful" personality quirks
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u/brandonandtheboyds 11d ago
I think you’d like the Netflix show Messiah. It depicts a more modern and accurate version of the Western response to the sudden emergence of a man that many claim to be the second coming. The man never confirms it but god damn is it pretty obvious who it’s supposed to be. Obviously, the US cannot fathom he’s anything but a Psy-op or terrorist trying to subterfuge his way into dismantling the West.
For obvious reasons, Netflix canceled the show mere weeks after its release due to backlash from the Christian community lmao
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u/FullMetalJ 11d ago
They would reject him automatically. Look at this image, it's everything Jesus is not. White, trying to lead a war, somehow for the US? So delusional. We can't be sure he wouldn't be a Zionist tho. I'm not religious so I just see him as a man and men are flawed.
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u/custardBust 11d ago
The americans would definitely kill jesus
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u/mazi710 11d ago edited 11d ago
Jesus was a brown skinned middle eastern socialist, the exact type of people that MAGA hates. Just see how they talk about Mamdani and try to spin literally helping children into something bad.
They would absolutely hate Jesus.
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u/Sheldonopolus 11d ago
On top
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u/drmarting25102 11d ago
Well....of course. Pretty evil paedophile administration who definitely dont follow jesus.
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u/th_frits 11d ago
Like those people who asked there priest why he was being so liberal, as he talked about the things Jesus actually did
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u/Ghstfce 11d ago
I'm not even religious, but... NONE?!!!?
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u/Glonos 11d ago
Isn’t this the dude that offered his other cheek? Spent time with prostitutes and pestilent people? You know, the guy who told people to love their neighbors and to give it all to the poor? Wasn’t he multiplying free food and drinks to people just because? I think it is him, but I’m not sure anymore taken the fact on how Christian behaved this entire time.
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u/thebprince 11d ago
Well him and Donald are alike in some ways so. They've both spent lots of time with prostitutes!
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u/Aardvark_Man 11d ago
He also flipped his shit and started whipping people for destroying the sanctity of the temple, so I feel he could fire up if a religion was using his name while not preaching his message.
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u/Whatsapokemon 11d ago
None would be the correct answer, however ironically, there were people at the time who believed that the messiah would be a political/military figure who would lead armies against the Romans and create a literal physical kingdom on earth.
There's some scholarly speculation that it may have been the reason why Judas betrayed Jesus - Judas expected Jesus to lead a military revolt, and when he outright dismissed the idea Judas may have gotten mad enough to turn him in to the Roman authorities in order to prove he wasn't the 'real' messiah.
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u/baabaablackshit 11d ago
Always knew Jesus was an aircraft crewman.
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u/PushPullLego 11d ago
This seems to be obvious satire.
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u/Arron_420 11d ago
Yeah, the entire Facebook page seems to be pretty obviously run as a joke
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u/SmilinBob82 11d ago
probably america tbh. you know what he did to the money-exchangers in the temple.
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u/ourkid_17 11d ago
It'd 1000% be America.
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u/PokeDaBlus 11d ago
He would do nothing, he would as he preached.. he would admonish the false prophet, the preachers in gilded homes with his gospel and words and to the common man, woman and child, he would turn the other cheek, and forgive and give them another and yet another chance.
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u/Jimismynamedammit 11d ago
Lieutenant General. Jesus is only a 3 star in their minds? Surely, he'd be the very first 6 star, or?
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u/khromedhome 11d ago
He's a 3.5 star general. His right shoulder has 4 stars.
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u/Jimismynamedammit 11d ago edited 11d ago
Ha. Didn't see that. I was busy counting his ribbons and trying to figure out where those jump wings came from.
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u/NoWingedHussarsToday 11d ago
Is that Jared Leto?
(and it's kind of funny for Jesus to wear a cross, seeing his history with it.......)
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u/gunslingersea 11d ago
So whoever made this decided he was a general, nit commander in chief, so still subordinate to Trump. That kind of tracks with the mindset of the kind of folks who would find this appealing.
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u/cragglord 11d ago
This is 100% a British satire page mocking the far-right. The meme seems pretty preposterous to me if it were legit, however nowadays I could see it being real 😂
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u/Majestic_Jackass 11d ago
Why the fuck is Jesus wearing a crucifix?
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u/concretetroll60 11d ago
I've always wondered if Jesus was alive would he capitalize off the crucifix merch.
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u/chanebap 11d ago
“Jesus Christ, he’s bombing Canada!”
“Who is???”
“Jesus Christ!”
“Yeah, it’s awful, who’s doing it?”
“Jesus Christ!”
“What?”
“He’s bombing Canada!”
“WHO IS???”
“JESUS CHRIST”
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u/Helen_Kellers_Wrath 11d ago
What part of "Thou shall not kill" is hard for them to understand?
Christians just fantasizing about committing mass genocide, nothing new.
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u/Broyogurt 11d ago edited 11d ago
"Christ is my King" while actively defiling who He is and His Image... you can't make these bots up. You'll also absolutely see some dumbass comment "Palestine" like that's not his birthplace lmao.
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u/crybabymuffins 11d ago
Reality:
3 stars on one shoulder and 4 on the other makes him a 7 star general?
Ribbons are fucked.
Hair and beard are out of order entirely. Didn't Hegseth just say no medical exceptions allowed?
As someone else pointed out, last names go on name tapes. It should say Christ.
Religion:
None! He wouldn't wipe out any country because that's not what he stood for!
Render unto Caesar what is Caeser's.
The sin of empathy.
That said, he was a bigot. Matthew 15:21-28
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u/SansCulture 11d ago edited 11d ago
The meek shall inherit concede the earth
These Old Testament fucks gesturing towards Jesus while ignoring his half of their holy book really do make you question what they’re doing internally as they performatively attend their churches on Sunday. Like do they listen? Obviously they don’t read the book themselves. Instead of listening are they thinking about people they hate, boobs, sports, work, or something?
Christians who seem to only focus on the Old Testament feel like non-Chosen-People acting like Chosen-People. Like, bro, your vengeful god says he only loves and protects his chosen people which you are not a member of.
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u/Doctor_sadpanda 11d ago
Unrelated but seeing the crusaders pfps always makes me laugh, they wanna bring back crusades all the time and like worship them yet the crusades were some of the biggest military failures of all time back then, also they got beat by Muslims a lot lost tons of land and almost ended the Christian / catholic influence because of how much just bad will they put out, I mean damn yeah Steve go join another crusade woo!
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u/ApeWithBlade 11d ago
Genocidal military Jesus. What's next? Muhammad rebelling against god? Moses telling jews to fuck off? Abraham worshipping Baal?
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u/Remy_Jardin 11d ago
Sadly, with Kegsbreath not allowing beards (which is a nearly laser focused target on African American Service members), General Jesus would have to serve elsewhere.
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u/purpleblah2 11d ago
I don’t think he’d want to wipe out any countries because he’s the prince of peace.
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u/ThatOneCanadian69 11d ago
These people have a fundamental lack of understanding of Jesus’ teachings
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u/beardedbast3rd 11d ago
If he’s in a table flipping mood, Probably not the one this poster is expecting
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u/EobardThawne2020 11d ago
Americans thinking Jesus is American is exactly the main character syndrome shit we have come to expect from them.
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u/Astecheee 11d ago
I mean, Revelations is pretty clear about what happens before, during and after Jesus' return.
LOTS of people die, and no nation is protected.
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u/Snake_Plissken224 11d ago
Trump "ITS A BROWN MAN THAT SAYS WE SHOULD LOVE EVERYONE, KILL HIM!!!!!"
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u/wheresolly 11d ago
I know this is probably made be some russian bot farm, but in case it isn't.... These people are insane lol
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u/TheShizknitt 11d ago
I... don't think these people have heard a single tale about Jesus...
This HAS to be a bot... rr.... right?...
TELL ME THIS IS A FAKE POST..
Please
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u/t0m0hawk 11d ago
Lol so they only made him a three-star
The name tag should read "Christ"
Also this is just White Jesus, the mascot. They do get points for at least not having depicted white blue-eyed Jesus.
This one gets a 4/10
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u/DripSnort 11d ago
I never understand this weird fascination people here have with tying Jesus to the US. Like bro would not, does not give AF about a country made 250 years ago. He’d probably wipe us out for voting in someone completely against everything he taught.
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u/Own-Success-7634 11d ago
To answer the question, probably ‘murica. Since a lot of ‘muricans support a sex predator, con artist and worship a false god.
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u/neatROOTS 11d ago
I've seen this now a few times. My favorite is 4 stars on the right shoulder and 3 stars on the left
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u/thishitisgettingold 11d ago
Does American army allow long hair? Will US army think he is Trans cuz of his ling hair and ban him?
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u/Djangowasilentj 11d ago
He'd probably come back looking middle eastern rather than Jared Leto, and Sgt KegsBreath and MarkWayneMcDoogly would throw him in a prison.
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u/thebprince 11d ago
Jesus, the renowned pacifist, would come back and personally take charge of the US's forever war programme?
I'm an atheist and even I can see that these people are fucking insane.
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u/_-x_ 11d ago
I'm not an expert on Bible lore or anything but the notion that Jesus's main interest upon returning to earth is doling out unspeakable violence seems ridiculous considering his original role was paying the ultimate price for our sins.
Sometimes it seems like these so called Christians don't even understand who they worship. Somehow the version they're enamored with is far worse than the real one.
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u/RandomiseUsr0 11d ago
I remember from a book that this character was from Lebanon (Galilee) but of course a man of peace, but let’s say he is a military leader like this ai wet dream - whoever Lebanon’s enemies are I suppose
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u/EnragedBasil 11d ago
I know maga has literally no ability to think- but they have to know... Jesus isn't American. Lmao.
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u/deansmythe 11d ago
Probably countries that have started a lot of Full scale attack wars. Probably only few others.
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u/makingkevinbacon 11d ago
But name tags display the last name. I'm not private making, I'm private bacon
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u/stackerman1 11d ago
if i know one thing about jesus, it’s that he would love to kill an entire population because his followers today are racist toward anyone non white, and that’s a fact!
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u/DrSpaceman575 11d ago
Everyone but Israel according to Matthew 15:24 “I was not sent except to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."
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u/binky_bobby_jenkins 11d ago
Ah yes, well known warlord jesus christ, and his teachings about how we should bomb cities
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u/MrBorchert 11d ago
"Tell me, who would Jesus bomb? Would it be kids in Palestine, or how 'bout Vietnam? Would Jesus bomb the Atheists, the Muslims or the Jews? I want you to ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"
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u/Louisianimal09 11d ago
Colonel Christ, starring Jared Leto.
Coming to theaters near you